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There are days when years happen. (I wonder if at some point in my life it will all be too much to explain, too many details. Potential problems and anxieties, and glimmers of fantasies of the future. Maybe that's why geriatrics have to be especially good story tellers - otherwise their listeners wait for them to end their sentences or pass on prior to completion with indifference as to how your story ends.)
I wanted to say that I learned something, from meeting up with my abuser's current
There isn't much space for grief. It's almost a month into grief group and I haven't quite gotten a handle on the impulse to feel ??? about mentioning non-death-related grief. Of all the things that are never talked about, maybe that one is the real kicker - we spend so much time trying to convince ourselves and the people around us that we are in fact OK. Maybe I should consider myself lucky. I am disabused of this obsession to present a face - when you've broken down in front of strangers and
A friend, B, that I hadn't talked to in a while called me today. I am lucky to have her in my life - she was one of two people who engaged with my abusive partner, W, and told me that how he treated me was wrong. She insisted I had to get out. It took several months for me to come around to it, which was helped along by the fact that W hated social situations and outings with the kids, so I had a lot of time without him to consider my experience of the kids, community, connections, without him.
I react so badly to being scolded. It is interesting how much white men in professional positions of power are accustomed to be curt and charmless. Tone is everything, I suppose, and I am growing increasingly impatient with impolite, largely impotent men.
What is it about that? That slinking, sinking feeling? It's a place that is all too familiar, it's where I have lived all my life. I do not want it. It makes me feel ill, and it sets me off. I wonder how far this is something I must self-r
It is important to me to write. There is such an urgency within, without the musculature to follow through.
(Question: Have you considered that your depression stems from insufficient reflection? Something shifts in the world when you read back paragraphs you have considered, and found yourself self-assured enough not to annihilate each word immediately, for fear of judgment --whose?-- When you make yourself do the thing you feel successful. It is very important to feel successful.)
Of
There is a place I used to go to, when I was fourteen. In the 2000s I would write journal entries, read about my friends' lives. In high school I found out that I had somewhat of a following. I guess that made me a writer at a time that I wanted so badly to call myself one, but never dared to because I always felt "less than".
Back then I was moderately depressed. I wonder if there has ever been a time in my life that I wasn't. I grew up in Singapore, where in some families, a child's worth
sometimes I get these overwhelming and intense feelings of anxiety and sadness at random times. I could be fine throughout the day, then suddenly something or nothing will trigger me to feel down in the dumps. It's been two years since I talked to him but it feels like its been only two weeks. my story is being groomed is one that I've felt so much shame about, mostly due to the feeling that I somehow brought it on myself. I was naive and vulnerable at the time, with little to no friends or a cl
I get it, It's hard being queer and on the spectrum, I am myself. But you're a 26 year old NEET who's constantly online. I think part of the reason she never opened up, aside from the abuse and manipulation aspects, is that there was nothing to report. She never seemed to be doing anything other than gooning to her little online harem. For reference she told me she was in an open relationship, which I didn't care about because it was a FWB thing. Honestly how fucking dare you presume to dominate
I had kind of a rough, but ultimately good, night. My partners confronted me about my biggest problem around sex. I hadn't really realized how much I had going on around it. I realized that I was so scared about so many things. If I'd remember more, if I'd end up in an episode, if they would judge me, if I would ruin the whole thing... And they took all of that and just... They pointed out to me that they would never judge me for it and that I wouldn't be ruining anything if I needed to stop in
Just so you know, If you left me, you have a letter. Or, multiple If I really liked you.
And silly me, I probably played a million different scenarios In my head where I got to tell you everything you didn't want to hear once you came back. Of course, you never came back, so my words got eaten up In my brain forever. I don't even remember half of the things I "complained" to you about In my head. However, I do remember the feeling once I knew you wouldn't come back, one so very familiar. A
For some reason lately I am getting triggered. Things I have pushed down and tried not to think of are coming back to me. Last night I had a panic attack, every time I closed my eyes I could see what I tried to forget. It’s been years, why now?
Every day, if traffic and other circumstances permit, I arrive to work a few minutes early. It’s not a lot of time; it’s maybe three or four minutes before I have to clock in. This is time I spend in the car, just kind of sitting - trying to mentally prepare for the day to start, even though I’d already been awake for over an hour. Let me be clear - I’m too fucking lazy to get a coffee on my commute, knowing that the coffee machine in the teacher’s lounge is there waiting for me is a comfort.
I'm currently in an eating disorder php. It's a trauma based recovery program. I'm struggling. I've been struggling for a while.
I've been in treatment since late July in two residential programs in different states and now in php in my home state. A little burned out on treatment. I went in strong. I had all the hope and did all of the work. I did my own research and work on myself in my free time. This treatment program is more intense than I experienced before. I have the added complica
This might be a little dark for a first blog post, but the one-year mark of my r* just passed. It's so weird to think it's been a year.. in some ways it feels more recent, but it also feels like it's been a very long time.
I saw a picture from last Christmas, when I had cut most of my hair off, which seems to be a pretty common coping mechanism. It didn't look good and just made me feel uglier. I didn't visit extended family that year, I stayed home. I don't remember much else.
This pa
The perpetrator who's masking as a good guy will tell a joke. A joke so unsettleing that makes us question If there was some truth to It.
And we'll all laugh an uncomfortable laugh. We'll even doubt If we're allowed to do so and look around for comfort, but we'll find that none of us have the answer, or, even worse, that none of us want to give It away.
We'll pretend It didn't happen and look the other way, since that's the thing we're best at, believing someone will take care of It an
I am not ok. I haven't been for awhile but every day I keep trying to be. SOme days, that is a lot of work. Other days it isn't. The important thing is that each day I keep trying, right? As long as I am trying then I can't sink into a hole, right? And while it seems it should be really simple to reach out and ask for help, that is difficult when you are not sure of the help you need. Oh and of course, asking for help is the worst thing you can do, at least in your mind it is. It feels like a
I’ll start by saying that what you are about to read took much less time to type out than it did to come up with a title for today’s blog entry. I just threw in what I did because at this point, the ability to come up with something clever has momentarily disappeared.
Hoping you’re all having a good day, week, month, etc, etc.
I am, without a doubt, buried underneath work, family and dog obligations, doctor appointments, a messy house, financial burden, league bowling, postseason ba
Hey, AS family and friends.
I know it's been a while. Over a year since my last entry. (I'm sorry.)
I guess I just haven't made myself open to talking. There's probably a lot that I could have filled everyone in on, but for some reason, I guess it was more appealing to stuff it in the 'maybe later' pile that resides in the back of my head. That pile has since begun to overflow, scattering messiness everywhere. I'm scattered lately. Forgetful. More irritable over the simplest t
I don't think I talk about my love life here much. I always wanted It to be separate from the rest of my healing journey but, the truth Is It's very much Intertwined and In fact, I have always known It was. I just haven't always been comfortable with my sexuality or my sex life/love life In general to share It. I mean I don't blame myself, I did have to hide most of It (having been groomed and all that, I also hid away from my own desires because my abuser made me believe It was a sin to pleasur
I just want to run away. Away from people. Away from the world. Away from hope. Away from sadness. I just want to be away. It amazes me how people just pack up and leave everything behind. Start over. I don't like saying I have regrets in life. I have poor decisions that came with bad consequences. Some major, some minor.
Strength. I lack it in many ways. Some say I am strong because of the way I can handle some situations. If they only knew. I live life like a deer in headlights. In shock
This part of Maya is 5. She holds a lot of confusion and feelings. I’m angry with 5 year old maya for not stopping him. Bad I know but I can’t help it. I’m so angry with her, which is awful. Perhaps 5 year old maya will feel better one day.
She’s on her therapists couch still eating sweets and in emergency foster care. She thinks daddy will come but he won’t because T has locked the door. She’s in pain, and not ready to talk yet. She feels a little mute.
what would she say? ‘I
Hey, it's Allen.
Today, we had therapy. I was super nervous about going, because we needed to tell her that what we were doing wasn't working. Turns out, we have a very good therapist! She completely rolled with it and with our ideas as if she'd made the plan herself. We even added something!
I might have tagged it wrong, because I can't remember if this is CBT or DBT, but I think it's gonna be useful! I'm gonna attach the chart, but basically, you look at a situation. It can be comfor
