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feeling alone yet self isolating

I've been thinking a lot lately. And I mean... a looot. I asked myself, why is everything so hard? Why do I feel so unmotivated ? why do I feel so bored of everything? I don't like just sitting there and do nothing, I need to be productive, else I feel like I'm wasting the little time I've granted in this life. So, why do I still waste it? It's not as simple as my brain try to make it out to be.   Feelings, emotions, it's complicated. If you don't feel good, even the smallest


Yeenodon in probably relatable

When the path isn't already traced

The words as they came to me You know, I'm not exactly a highly spiritual or religious person. I just do things my way, follow my guts and feelings. At least most of the time. What is really challenging to me with overcoming trauma and making my way to recovery, is, I don't know the way. I'm lost with only my moral compass to guide me, and a shattered mind to make decisions. There's noone to hand me a map that says "in 100 meters, turn left, recovery is at the end of this road". that's


Yeenodon in On my way

Yes… I am still here and beginning to blossom

I haven’t been on the site in a long time because I have been working very hard to repair a lot of things that I didn’t do. The good news is after all that hard work and great support, things are moving in the proper direction. The DOJ announced the FBI made serious errors handling the Nasser case from 2015.  No surprises there.  Maybe they will create a branch of female or non-binary LGTBQ+ investigators.  We’d be able to get shit done and put people behind bars, no matter how powerful the

Monster (TW!)

Between hushed pants and ‘I love you’s’ I laid silent. How could someone who claimed to love me so much do this to me? The ceiling is to keep one closed in and safe, So why when I looked at the ceiling was I in danger Through rhythms that repeated, I prayed for it to be over. “It only lasts A few minutes” I told myself I reassured myself I’d keep you forever this way No matter how many times I let you do it despite it ruining my sanity, You left.  

The Moon and The Sun - a slam poem

I’ve been writing a lot because the voices in my head are getting louder and the only way to shut them up is to let the words flow from my fingertips onto this paper that likely no one will read. The darkness is coming back. Damn... it’s heavy. I’ve been riding this high for a while and I think I’m coming down because I suddenly feel like the earth has given way beneath my feet and I’m slipping into something I don’t quite recognize. I’ve been down the dark, lonely dirt roads before. T

Who Am I?

How am I supposed to be myself? When everyday I'm told to be like someone else. Always criticized and daily insulted Just for being who I am inside, that's it.   I am my own enemy, Always listening to everyone and everything. Wanting to be perfect, Or at least accepted for myself. But I'm talked to like I should be someone else.   Although, all the inspiring speeches told, They say you're perfect inside and out. They say to be your


Celia in Accepting

Crawling out from under the debris....

Well, folks… It’s been a minute?  Or two?  Or…like…six months?   I have returned to this blog many times over the last six months with an itch to write.  To vent, to yell, scream and cry on paper/screen.  But, then, I’d close it out following an exasperated, ‘never mind.’  This is typical me, though.  I tend to let things build up and then to sit down and write about it all will feel like a more daunting task because by then, there’s a lot that’s piled up and I’m more likely to be sayi


Capulet in Blogs


They say God is real They say he is alive But really floating above Saying everything is alright   Saying that he has a plan  For each and one of us Saying he is the protector  And the father to all of us   But let me ask a question Like… where has he been Wasn't here during past years  Or even when I was a kid   Left me alone Even though he knew He knew the truth of everything Yet gave no one a single clue


Celia in Pain


So I'm involved in a relationship for like the first time in years - over a decade.  I've stayed well clear of men since my r*pe.  But Idk, he seems kinda nice.  But I'm freaking out about the sex side of things.  He's gonna want sex and I don't know that I can.  The only thing that comes to mind when I think of sex is how disgusting and painful and that no-one could possibly look past what happened to me and see me as clean.  I can't see me as clean.  So how do I cope with it?  How do I enjoy i


So my T who I've had for 3 years is leaving and it's really unsettled me.  He's been like a rock in my life even though I've not been able to talk to him about a lot of things like how I feel about things because I so often don't know.  And now that he's leaving I've started to feel - a lot.  I've gone from numb to a wreck.  And I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to process it.  I don't want to be numb again.  But I don't want to feel out of control with my feelings.  I'd like them to ju

The Letter I Never Wanted to Write

To my rapist, I feel like there are pieces of me scattered all over the city. Because of you. There’s a piece at the bar where you found me. The bar where you pushed drinks on me and got me so inebriated that I couldn’t walk. The bar where you told me not to sober up. The bar where I think you drugged me. The bar where you first started exercising your control over me. The bar I can’t go to anymore because the smell reminds me of what you did to me. There’s a piece of me in y


Poppy_ in Life

Traumaversary Season

Traumaversaries suck. Also, I’m pissed because I was already a whole page into this blog when my computer crashed and now I have to start all over. I don’t even remember everything I had written in the last one. Something about feeling the urge to write today and taking advantage of that because I’ve been so unmotivated and uninspired. That’s the cliff notes version of what was previously written here. I do remember what I talked about and I also remember that there was a disclaimer th


Poppy_ in Life

Sacrifice for Family

All this pain, Inside my head. I'm nearing an end, I might end up dead.   I have an idea, That'll cost my life. But it's worth it for family, I must do the fight.   The fucking bastard, Yea, the sexual abuser. I'm done with everything, No one doing nothing.   I'm gonna fight, And by that, let's see. I know how to use a gun, I know where he sleeps.   I'm gonna show up, Make sure he's awake.


Celia in Family


Been hurt so much, Been lied to in the face. Bullied all around, Pushed all over the place    Met many people in person, Seems most of them are fake. How come I get the bad people? How come I get hurt by the stake?   Society is bad, So is the people. It's to the point, I've given up on visuals.   When my family says, "Make some friends!" I ask myself, "What will it take?"   I have some real friend


Celia in Pain

Anger and Pain

Where do I even start..... 😔😔   All these memories,  Inside my head. It makes me mad, Makes me wanna be dead.   I don't know what to say, So, I cry myself away. Hopefully it's enough, To drown my mind for the day.   All this anger, All this pain. I wanna make it stop, Everything is so gray.   No light, no sound, It's a dark place here. Where's myself? I can't see clear.   I'm slipping aw


Celia in Pain

Lost Another Friend

I lost another friend, Here I go again. Guess what, it isn't new, I blame myself again.   I'm at fault for the disaster, I'm at fault for losing my friend. He was like a brother to me, But admittedly, a jerk.. something.   He would be nice to me, Treat me like his sister. But sometimes then he jokes around, Acts inappropriate and acts sinister.   But everytime I'd confront, He'd laugh and tell me to chill. He'd


Celia in Friend

Not Understood

I'll be plain and honest, I'm not very strong. Everytime I stand up,  I always fall down.   I'll be plain and honest, Everytime I try, I fail. When they say, "get up," They also say, "it's not a big deal."   I'll be plain and honest, About every word I've heard. "Strong," "smart," "beautiful," It's just a lie in my mind.   I'll be plain and honest, With all the lies aside. Last few months,  I've been thinki


Celia in Pain

Well I’m back...

At a low point but first time at one of these points where I have a therapist I really like. I have “my body is a cage” stuck on repeat in my head atm. It’s sickeningly appropriate for how I feel.   ***Trigger Warning****   Wanting to crash diet, count cals, keep food journal, look at certain things online. (if you know what I mean, you know..) wanting to feel anything but my feelings...so visualizing self harm a lot. It’s how I cope with not self harming...hav

Advice Collection

Collection Of Advice My Therapist Is Giving Me On Trauma 1. You don't have to deal with it. You don't have to ever talk about it. 2. You don't have to decide anything related to your trauma. You are allowed to decide nothing.

22 - Thoughts on self hatred

I look a lot like my mother. I grew up in a really rural area, the kind of place where everyone knows everyone. So even if I didn't know them, most people knew that I was "biomom's kid." When I was a teenager I used to hate this. It still kind of irritates me, but with several decades of experience, and some blunt stone faced answers to total strangers (more on that some other day) I've learned to deal with it... sorta. It helps that I live hundreds of miles from the little blink-and-you'll-miss

#18 Fear Of How Others Perceive Me

One of the hardest parts of being abused was isolation. I felt cut off from the world. I felt like everyone else in the world is more valuable than me, I was ashamed for wasting their time on me. I was worthless, and they were so successful. They seemed so confident and in control and competent. I was jealous honestly. And I understand my jealousy. I would think, their problems are so small. Additionally, and perhaps much more powerful was my feeling of degradation because I knew I couldn't cont


elisand in My Blogs

#17 Grief When A Loved One Passes

I have experienced a lot of isolation and I know I would not feel sad if many people passed away. However some would matter. How do we handle grief, especially when we have PTSD so we experience things at much greater intensity. Particularly when there's a feeling of guilt. Just yesterday I came across a woman who gave permission to pull the plug on her dad.  The first thing is to try to take good memories of them and highlight them in your mind. Share it. Write it down. It can be a wa


elisand in My Blogs

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