Jump to content
Login Issues? Need General Assistance and can't access our onsite Help Desk? Shoot us an email at our email address: moderators@aftersilence.org ×
Are you a Survivor looking to join our community? Click here for important tips and information. ×

Blogs

Yarn Unwound

Break Throughs and a Break Down

It's been a few days since my Mom has moved in with us. She already has an apartment locked down, and will be able to move in next Thurs. She'll be a couple of blocks away from where we live, so we'll be able to walk our dogs together, but still have space and privacy.  I have had to get a bit insistent a few times when I really needed to have some time to recharge. My chosen space in our apartment is in the main room, at a built in desk where I do all my work, write, and game. My mom strug
InnerChild/ShadowWork

Flashbacks and Dreams

When things get quiet and I have a moment to myself, my mind always transports me back to my past. Even though Im not consciously trying to think about It, something pulls me back to those memories again and again, as If I was missing something from them… I’ve wanted to figure them out before but they seem too messy, too strange and all over the place… They feel like vague, far away, small snippets of memories that wander through my mind without sense. Sometimes I see people
sk8er

sk8er in Existing

0
Yarn Unwound

So Many Changes

For the first time sine 2019, I will be living in the same state as my Mom.  She has been planning a big move for about a year, and has been thinking about it for much, much longer. Originally, she was going to go overseas and live somewhat close to my older sister, who is in grad school over in Europe. My Mom is now retired, and officially an empty nester this year. She wanted to do something strictly for herself and go back to school, which we all encouraged her to do. Well, that plan fel
Yarn Unwound

What I Want to Say but Won't

I want to say things to people in my life, but I won't because I know none of it will do anything to improve my relationship with any of them. I want to scream and rage and tear certain people apart but I also know it won't make me feel even slightly better. I will explode and just feel like utter garbage after and will have to work 3 times as hard to fix what the anger targeted.  To my older sibling:  I DID NOT "KILL" THE FAMILY DOG. I made the choice to have him put to sleep because
InnerChild/ShadowWork

My stalker situation...

Hi guys, I hope everyone's doing well. I'm sad to say however that, this week was incredibly rough for me In so many ways... Unfortunetly, a lot of problems gathered In just one week, and made me go Into an anxiety crisis today, a really bad one at that too... But even with all of It, there's one specific problem that has really stressed and worried me for the past few weeks (i'll explain): - After my ex broke up with me, I started talking to a guy my age online (not to date
sk8er

sk8er in Upset

0
Yarn Unwound

Trigger Crash Out

I can sorta feel my hold on staying present slipping, so I am trying to keep myself here by writing. I really don't like disassociating and I can tell my brain wants to right now.  In therapy my T has got me trying to work on the "Trauma Egg" - it's pretty easy to find info on it if you look it up. They warned me that a side effect of working on it could be a return of hypervigilance and stronger reactions to triggers that haven't been bothering me as much lately. Boy howdy were they right
Yarn Unwound

Why Do I Miss Him Sometimes?

I went no contact with my abuser, my biological father, back in 2020. Lockdown was awful in many ways, but being forced to sit with myself and think back on my life and relationships with my family is pretty much what triggered the memories of csa from my bio father.  My relationship with him was already really rocky, and I hadn't actually seen him face-to-face since 2011, shortly before my mom divorced him for a myriad of reasons, the biggest one at the time being his alcoholism. His abuse
InnerChild/ShadowWork

When he dates before you do...

It's weird because, I recently found out In a really awkward way, and by accident, that my ex started seeing someone new after only (maybe a month?) of breaking up, and with gaining that information there came a few questions In my head I guess that I didn't undestand fully. First off, a month ago (or some time approximetly) he was promising me a commited relationship...that he wanted to try again and that he still really loved me....he would send tiktoks regarding children and a possible f
sk8er

sk8er in Upset

5
InnerChild/ShadowWork

A letter to a person from my past.

The thing Is that, I know you'll have days where you regret your decision to leave me, and hell, I'll even have days where I regret accepting that decision...but the fact Is, I had to...and I did. At the time, I hoped you'd known what that decision would really intake, and If I tried to guess, I don't think you've really felt the weight of It...and maybe you won't really feel It only after a few years In the future, but that would be another guess... I don't think you expected me to di
sk8er

sk8er in Heart thoughts

3
Yarn Unwound

Sisterhood Lost?

Around 2 months ago, my husband and I had to make the very hard decision to have our pug put to sleep. He was quite old, around 16 years, and had pretty advanced dementia. He would get lost going from one room to another, and then start screeching because he couldn't find me. He didn't really want to be held or cuddled, and he tried to bite me once after I stopped him from trying to eat trash in the parking lot of our apartment. He was constantly confused and the only time he really seemed happy
A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate

Bye, Mel.

Hi, friends!  So, it's been a while. My fault, as always.  I will not apologize for not writing, but rather, allow myself a little bit of grace. It's true that someone who spends a lot of time writing goes through patches where words elude them; where there's a lot to say but simply no motivation to sit down and to allow the thoughts to flow.  I can't tell you how many times I've considered sitting here and unloading a bit - it's happened several times because this year is kind of a bi
Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

2
Love and Other Lies

ONE STEP

Today I am trying to center myself on what it is I choose to do. I am taking my time to sit with it, to make plans at my own pace, and to enjoy to experience of going about my day with myself. My kids are with W this week. I'm being kind to myself. I wish I could get through everything that the past month has brought. Perhaps I will in my own time. Here are my anxieties. I am unemployed and without medical insurance. I know there are some remaining legal issues to get to, although the divor
januarycanary

januarycanary in now

0
InnerChild/ShadowWork

Struggling through depression with my new diagnosis of BPD

Hello everyone. I guess It's been a minute but I hope everyone's doing okay. I really want to say I'm doing well but, I've recently felt like I've fallen In a wave of sadness, and It hasn't been an easy one compared to some depression episodes I've had In the past. I recently got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as BPD), because of my prolonged depression over the years (that has been on and off) and a few other symptoms including my inability to remain In a s
sk8er

sk8er in Upset

9
Love and Other Lies

REST

I don't know what's holding me back exactly. It's been an odd time, I think. My instinct is to take things slowly, to concentrate on a few recurring tasks that I want to master, that I want to take pride in. Work towards a few broader goals. And then focus on the conversations and connections that I make in the moment with people that I love - taking the time to listen to them, appreciate, and trust ourselves to problem-solve later. We can keep talking through what causes us anxiety. Discomfort
januarycanary

januarycanary in now

0
Love and Other Lies

A THOUSAND DAYS

I don't know how to talk about everything that has happened this year, what is still happening, and then the continuing uncertainty. It's been three years since I left my abuser. That's a thousand days. It seems impossible to think about. But here I am. There are good things in my life that reorder the painful lies and false beliefs that have throttled and suffocated me. It hasn't just been my life, choked out by the fog of war - it has been the lives of my dad, my siblings, my children. 
Words

Anniversary

I've been staying away from AS for a few months now. Not because of the site itself. This community has probably saved my life in more than one occasion, especially in the early days when I was left to pick up the pieces by myself after the assault. But I've been trying to distance myself from what happened. And as helpful as AS has been to me, it kept bringing up feelings and "memories" that I didn't want to relive.    ...but I'm here again. Yesterday was the first anniversary of the
InnerChild/ShadowWork

Being forgotten

"Being forgotten when you die" Isn't very likely to happen to people...statistically....apparently...according to some youtube video I saw.... And, In the comment section of that same youtube video, people seemed to be relieved, glad that didn't happen. They we're glad somone would remember them after they passed, because even if they weren't conscious of It, their memory would live on... And when I think about that...when I think about all of this, I don't feel relieved....I don't fee
sk8er

sk8er in Existing

0
Poems & Writings of a Survivor

Forgiving My Rapist and My Pimp

You’ve genuinely stole everything from me and I dont know how I am ever going to be able to get it back.  Like, you literally brought me back to life only to tear me back down again.  You honestly really enjoyed that fact that I was scared of you, it like lit you up inside everytime I would flinch or have to hold back my tears while driving us somewhere.  I dont know how things got so tremendously bad with us in only four months time, it makes absolutely no sense at all.  The
Poems & Writings of a Survivor

Midnight Shadows

I can still hear you screaming in my ear over the smallest things.   You truly knew how to sell me a dream, but it soon became so clear to me that you   Were nothing but a bum looking for your golden ticket  The ticket unfortunately was me.  I dont know how I ever felt those feelings for you that I once did.  Now when I hear your voice or see your face, my heart drops and I just feel   DISGUSTING  All I ever strived to do was to make you proud of me and make su
Trauma from being Trafficked

Pouring my heart out to what I've kept buried inside.

I was targeted as a minor, I guess I was just an easy target. Broken child, broken family, broken life. I was bullied almost my whole teenage years so of course the first older man that tells me I can make 200$ an hour modeling and I'd travel out of the country, I was ready to just pack and go. Little did I know, I just signed my fate and my life away to sex traffickers.  Imagine this, it took a whole decade for the FBI and homeland security to find and rescue me for my despair of a life I was l
InnerChild/ShadowWork

Are we real friends?

The more I keep growing, the less I understand friendships. These days, I feel like I have to question everyone who's around me. What are their intentions? are they nice people? are they nice people sometimes, and other times not so much? can I trust them In difficult times? or will they abandon me like others have In the past?....are they trying to get something from me? Is It security? entretainment? Is it nostalgia or memories from the past? do I even mean anything to them right now?...
sk8er

sk8er in Upset

0
Words

What a shitty night

I'm sorry, I just need to talk to someone, and since I've got no one to talk to, writing on here is the second best option.  Now, I realise how dangerous it is to have one singular person as your whole support system. Even more so if you're not on equal footing. For over six months now since the incident happened, my mom has become my support system. Not that she's perfect by all means—but she's the best I've got. Yeah, I have a therapist. She's great. I've literally had a session yesterday
Words

I contacted my father for the first time after 2.5 years of silence

I cut him off completely the summer 2.5 years ago. My father is not the reason I’m on AS, but he was emotionally abusive, going as far as to lock me in his apartment for hours while he was at work, or raising his hand (though he never struck me, because 16 year old me had enough common sense to realise that I was in danger, and I managed to calm him down enough that he wouldn’t hit me). For a year when I was 16-17, I lived alone in Hungary, only daring to go to the capital with my hood pulled up
×
×
  • Create New...