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Blogs

Love and Other Lies

ONE STEP

Today I am trying to center myself on what it is I choose to do. I am taking my time to sit with it, to make plans at my own pace, and to enjoy to experience of going about my day with myself. My kids are with W this week. I'm being kind to myself. I wish I could get through everything that the past month has brought. Perhaps I will in my own time. Here are my anxieties. I am unemployed and without medical insurance. I know there are some remaining legal issues to get to, although the divor
januarycanary

januarycanary in now

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InnerChild/ShadowWork

Struggling through depression with my new diagnosis of BPD

Hello everyone. I guess It's been a minute but I hope everyone's doing okay. I really want to say I'm doing well but, I've recently felt like I've fallen In a wave of sadness, and It hasn't been an easy one compared to some depression episodes I've had In the past. I recently got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as BPD), because of my prolonged depression over the years (that has been on and off) and a few other symptoms including my inability to remain In a s
sk8er

sk8er in Upset

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Love and Other Lies

REST

I don't know what's holding me back exactly. It's been an odd time, I think. My instinct is to take things slowly, to concentrate on a few recurring tasks that I want to master, that I want to take pride in. Work towards a few broader goals. And then focus on the conversations and connections that I make in the moment with people that I love - taking the time to listen to them, appreciate, and trust ourselves to problem-solve later. We can keep talking through what causes us anxiety. Discomfort
januarycanary

januarycanary in now

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Love and Other Lies

A THOUSAND DAYS

I don't know how to talk about everything that has happened this year, what is still happening, and then the continuing uncertainty. It's been three years since I left my abuser. That's a thousand days. It seems impossible to think about. But here I am. There are good things in my life that reorder the painful lies and false beliefs that have throttled and suffocated me. It hasn't just been my life, choked out by the fog of war - it has been the lives of my dad, my siblings, my children. 
Words

Anniversary

I've been staying away from AS for a few months now. Not because of the site itself. This community has probably saved my life in more than one occasion, especially in the early days when I was left to pick up the pieces by myself after the assault. But I've been trying to distance myself from what happened. And as helpful as AS has been to me, it kept bringing up feelings and "memories" that I didn't want to relive.    ...but I'm here again. Yesterday was the first anniversary of the
InnerChild/ShadowWork

Being forgotten

"Being forgotten when you die" Isn't very likely to happen to people...statistically....apparently...according to some youtube video I saw.... And, In the comment section of that same youtube video, people seemed to be relieved, glad that didn't happen. They we're glad somone would remember them after they passed, because even if they weren't conscious of It, their memory would live on... And when I think about that...when I think about all of this, I don't feel relieved....I don't fee
sk8er

sk8er in Existing

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Poems & Writings of a Survivor

Forgiving My Rapist and My Pimp

You’ve genuinely stole everything from me and I dont know how I am ever going to be able to get it back.  Like, you literally brought me back to life only to tear me back down again.  You honestly really enjoyed that fact that I was scared of you, it like lit you up inside everytime I would flinch or have to hold back my tears while driving us somewhere.  I dont know how things got so tremendously bad with us in only four months time, it makes absolutely no sense at all.  The
Poems & Writings of a Survivor

Midnight Shadows

I can still hear you screaming in my ear over the smallest things.   You truly knew how to sell me a dream, but it soon became so clear to me that you   Were nothing but a bum looking for your golden ticket  The ticket unfortunately was me.  I dont know how I ever felt those feelings for you that I once did.  Now when I hear your voice or see your face, my heart drops and I just feel   DISGUSTING  All I ever strived to do was to make you proud of me and make su
Trauma from being Trafficked

Pouring my heart out to what I've kept buried inside.

I was targeted as a minor, I guess I was just an easy target. Broken child, broken family, broken life. I was bullied almost my whole teenage years so of course the first older man that tells me I can make 200$ an hour modeling and I'd travel out of the country, I was ready to just pack and go. Little did I know, I just signed my fate and my life away to sex traffickers.  Imagine this, it took a whole decade for the FBI and homeland security to find and rescue me for my despair of a life I was l
InnerChild/ShadowWork

Are we real friends?

The more I keep growing, the less I understand friendships. These days, I feel like I have to question everyone who's around me. What are their intentions? are they nice people? are they nice people sometimes, and other times not so much? can I trust them In difficult times? or will they abandon me like others have In the past?....are they trying to get something from me? Is It security? entretainment? Is it nostalgia or memories from the past? do I even mean anything to them right now?...
sk8er

sk8er in Upset

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Words

What a shitty night

I'm sorry, I just need to talk to someone, and since I've got no one to talk to, writing on here is the second best option.  Now, I realise how dangerous it is to have one singular person as your whole support system. Even more so if you're not on equal footing. For over six months now since the incident happened, my mom has become my support system. Not that she's perfect by all means—but she's the best I've got. Yeah, I have a therapist. She's great. I've literally had a session yesterday
Words

I contacted my father for the first time after 2.5 years of silence

I cut him off completely the summer 2.5 years ago. My father is not the reason I’m on AS, but he was emotionally abusive, going as far as to lock me in his apartment for hours while he was at work, or raising his hand (though he never struck me, because 16 year old me had enough common sense to realise that I was in danger, and I managed to calm him down enough that he wouldn’t hit me). For a year when I was 16-17, I lived alone in Hungary, only daring to go to the capital with my hood pulled up
InnerChild/ShadowWork

And that’s love

I think some people are meant to just come Into your life for a bit, and then leave.  In that time you may learn a few things…about them, about yourself, about the world. You may have fun with them too and enjoy their company, their energy. As well as feeling safe enough to feel sad or cry about whatever Is heavy on your heart. It may feel like there’s an Infinite number of things you could talk about with this person. It convinces you that it’ll never end, even if it’s for a smal
sk8er

sk8er in Heart thoughts

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Dawn of a new day

Life Challenges

Well, I'm going back to school. This time at a university in Arizona. I'm working on getting my BA in Communications.  It's an online program. The only things that are scheduled are due dates for assignments. In some ways this is great as it gives me a lot of flexibility, but is also challenging in making sure to manage my time to keep up with everything. Last week wasn't good as there were some times that I was shut down mentally and physically and emotionally. I was overwhelmed with everything
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail in Life

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my story

Im back

Hello.  I havent posted on here in 3 years. i have healed a lot from my assault 4 years ago. but ive come to the realization im a victim of cocsa. Memories are coming back to me of doing things with other kids. i dont know how they started but i know they happened. its hard to deal with because i feel so guilty for even doing that. what do i do now?
lanie

lanie in life update ig

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Love and Other Lies

A Heinous Hag Haunting

I know I need to find something today. I have been spread out, dispersed, and alone.  I don't like that my abuser, W., is continuing to get to me. I have gone to great lengths to keep him out, but he finds ways to filter in.  If a protection order's not going to do it, what will? What am I feeling today? The kids are with W, CPS comes tomorrow, I work the weekend and I still have to get documents in order for court stuff. I need to calendar and plan my week but that's always been
januarycanary

januarycanary in childhood

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things i need to say but don't want to post on the forum i guess

Daisy has all but entirely taken over my mind

To recap, my exiles are Lucy, the bitter red fight-response one who holds violent penetration; Alice, the sad blue negative-fawn-response one who holds transportation and verbal abuse; and Daisy, the confused yellow positive-fawn-response one who holds grooming. Lucy and Alice are girls I'm pretty sure, but I've now learned Daisy is a boy. I also have a core self, the purple one, separate from my manager ("me," the gray one) but more associated with her than any of the others are. I've been
rabbitprotectsme

rabbitprotectsme in developments

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Love and Other Lies

One moment

Somewhere in all this, I need a moment to write something. I've been to court too many times this month. I've remembered some things that I had kept... not so much hidden from myself, but I had worked actively to avoid encoding. I was raped by my abuser and this truth has only surfaced in the last two months, when another of his former partner's described incidents that very much resemble the night that I met him. The use of substances to cloud judgment, to dull the senses, to overwrite biologic
januarycanary

januarycanary in rape

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Untangling It All

Grief Is Weird

Posting this because my brain won't let go and I need a break. But I talked about it yesterday in therapy about the way I've suddenly begun grieving. One of the biggest questions for me that's still unanswered is "why now?" I started being SA'd approximately 17 years ago, starting with being groped and having my body talked about sexually by my neighbor and brother and describing ways they wanted to SA me. The first memory that came back to me was my neighbor's cousin sexually exposing himself t
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Untangling It All

Angel In A Box

Today was emotionally a hurricane for me. Everything seemed to remind me of my brother and everything about my brother reminded me of him touching me and every reminder of him touching me just brought the snickering sound of my mom laughing his abuse off and defending him. I struggled with the fact that she didn't get me a single present because she doesn't love me. It all set in how much of a lie my life had been. Staring at the forgotten remains of the childhood I thought I had all day broke m
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Untitled PO Box

To the Blame Inside of Me

I don't think you're something I'm ever going to see the end of. I sit in front of these tired memories and find you there, even still. I can look at fact after fact in my mind: No one is responsible for being victimized. It isn't reasonable to expect that doing something differently would have changed the outcome. They would have done it either way. Doing something "wrong" still doesn't justify someone else perpetuating assault. It isn't reasonable to expect pe
selkiespot

selkiespot in reflecting

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Untangling It All

Never Stood A Chance

This isn't really a recovered memory but just something that occurred to me. At one point I was trying to see how much I could remember of my early childhood. A lot of it seems murky. I just was curious... I had no intention to reopen old wounds. Then I realized that around the age of 3, maybe early into 4, I had exactly one memory that's still somewhat intact. It reaffirmed to me, crystal clear, that there just wasn't love where I thought there was.  I remembered being absolutely terrified
masongator

masongator in Processing

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things i need to say but don't want to post on the forum i guess

not out of the woods yet

i'm sorry for taking up this space. i was torn between posting a vent topic so i don't show up as the most recent blog entry, or posting a blog entry so i don't show up as the most recent vent topic. since the difference is basically meaningless, i almost just kept my mouth shut. but i couldn't. i think i'm in an efb. or just coming out of one. it was just a good cry first. well "good" isn't the right word. it was a bad cry. that's how it always starts. the kind where every tear is phy
rabbitprotectsme

rabbitprotectsme in vents

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