masongator

Posting this because my brain won't let go and I need a break. But I talked about it yesterday in therapy about the way I've suddenly begun grieving. One of the biggest questions for me that's still unanswered is "why now?" I started being SA'd approximately 17 years ago, starting with being groped and having my body talked about sexually by my neighbor and brother and describing ways they wanted to SA me. The first memory that came back to me was my neighbor's cousin sexually exposing himself to me and, over time, coercing me to follow him to a place where he orally assaulted me while he made

Today was emotionally a hurricane for me. Everything seemed to remind me of my brother and everything about my brother reminded me of him touching me and every reminder of him touching me just brought the snickering sound of my mom laughing his abuse off and defending him. I struggled with the fact that she didn't get me a single present because she doesn't love me. It all set in how much of a lie my life had been. Staring at the forgotten remains of the childhood I thought I had all day broke me a little. I started crying at work. It really truly felt like I wasn't worth loving if even my mom

This isn't really a recovered memory but just something that occurred to me. At one point I was trying to see how much I could remember of my early childhood. A lot of it seems murky. I just was curious... I had no intention to reopen old wounds. Then I realized that around the age of 3, maybe early into 4, I had exactly one memory that's still somewhat intact. It reaffirmed to me, crystal clear, that there just wasn't love where I thought there was. I remembered being absolutely terrified, but I can't remember why. There was a baby gate. I was carrying a blanket around, an at the time a

@PlumSundae @ShyUnicorn Sorry for the delayed response as I've been giving myself a break mentally; it means a ton that my healing is visible. It's really an honor knowing that my thoughts have inspired such reverence in you both. I didn't think I could write something someone would consider to be one of the most powerful things they've ever read is an incredibly special and wonderful feeling. Thank you both for the kindness and investment in my healing.

@rabbitprotectsme I really don't think I can get you to understand how much I needed to read that right now. I JUST got out of a huge spiraling crying fit of "it isn't worth it, you're weak, you let this happen, and all this 'healing' is fucking cope, there's no reason for you to continue" and all the fun things that come with that. I really needed to be reminded that my strength is real. That it's not what my crumbling brain wants to believe. Thank you. I can't say it enough times.

I'm currently left with not much to do except stew in my thoughts and emotions. I think I've done enough rotting... for now at least. I have a lot to say. I sat for quite a bit with the realization that I'm not just grieving my dad. I'm simultaneously grieving the fact that I had the possibility of a safe and happy childhood forcibly taken from me by my abusers for reasons I don't even fully know. Grief, for me, has always been late to arrive. I understand in my dad's case, that I didn't attend the funeral and didn't really grieve him when he died because there was a lot of emotional toxi

Today, Silas has been a little more expressive and it's excruciating. He said today, "why did we let this happen?" over and over. Just to himself. He also lifted his shirt and made motions across his stomach and arms; he wanted to cut those spots. All he wants is to cuddle with me; he's still scared to directly speak to me. I'm sorry I let you down little one. I'll at least be here for you to rest against.

Spent time with Silas today. I think the biggest thing I need to focus on with his arrival is giving him the space and opportunities to show himself more. I visualized him while we were at the library. He looked at me curiously but still won't talk any more than he has. He seems uneasy around passersby. I guess I need to make sure I have safe places to relax alone with him more often, and make sure I feel safe more often too. He can't feel safe if I don't. There's got to be a easier way. While we had some privacy he showed me some concerning things. He hid his private area and refused to

Spent last night asleep with Silas curled up against my chest. He's shy to speak still. He's warming up to affection though. Imagined I kissed him goodbye before I went to work. If you need to retreat for now Silas, I understand. I hope you'll visit me again soon. Next time, you can pick one of my plushies if you need something to hold onto. I'm always here if you want to say something or if you don't. You deserve nurture, you deserve your wounds to be dressed and if I'm the only warm thing you have to rest against, come whenever you feel like you need it. You don't have to earn it. I'll never

I appreciate the warm welcome for Silas. I'm lying with him wrapped up in my arms, running my hands through his hair. I don't think I understood before he showed up how much I needed him.

I spoke with the little boy in my head tonight (if you're reading this, the context is in my post titled When I Speak). He showed up and I visualized him peeking over my shoulder. He's scared but inquisitive. He's been using my voice and it seems like he's scared to be punished for it. I'm grateful you're here and talking to me, little one. I'm not angry. This is one of the only ways you can get help. I know nobody else sees you. But I know you're here and when you're ready, you can say what you need to. We can get comfortable and cuddle if you need. I know you're a little piece of me. I know

You... you're just in my memory now. I'll never hear those loving words from your voice again, with a surprise waiting for me in the passenger seat of your truck just so you could see my smile. Sometimes I touch the bed and wish you were with me again, like when I was tiny. I remember your warm skin and your rough face and your bear hugs. I wish I could read The Hobbit to you again while we both forgot about our own pains for awhile, just one last time. I wish I could've let you know that you were my rock. You didn't know. I don't blame you for it. You couldn't have known. You weren't th

I've tried to find this journal you're talking about, but I can't. Maybe I'm misunderstanding and referring to something you wrote but didn't post, idk. It's weird, she talks about having always protecting me from people trying to hurt me, yet not noticing the assault that happened just outside her front door. I haven't been safe for a very long time. Sure, I wasn't physically getting beat up. But emotionally and mentally, I have never been allowed to be safe. I'm always hiding away because the only thing she's communicated to me is that if I say how I feel, she's just going to scream at me. I