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An old friend came and swooped me up for an impromptu vacation. As in, two weeks in Costa Rica. I had two days notice, and I was so depressed and so concerned about panic attacks & travel that I almost didn’t come.
I’m glad I did. This time has been deeply nourishing, and I’m only on my second day here. She, too, has experienced major trauma since we last saw each other 3 years ago. She, too, thought I no longer wanted her or loved her as we were both treated badly by the same group of friends.
The beach has been nourishing & wonderful. My new meds are helping a lot. We have cried a lot as we’ve shared stories, and last night she held me tight when the panic hit. I have been so cut off from human contact that it is work to believe I actually have support and love. We have both spent a lot of time building each other up where our beloveds have torn us down. We have laughed, too - and the frown on my face was becoming so constant that it actually hurts my muscles to smile.
Being with her and the ocean feels so easy & natural, and I feel like myself for hours on end.
then I remember.
I remember what happened and I swear it’s like my brain slides sideways. Nothing makes sense. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m afraid to be hopeful. I feel like I don’t deserve her generosity, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed that she has to pay for everything. She corrects me - she WANTS to provide for me and reminds me of all the ways I used to provide for her... before it all happened.
but those moments where I can forget are so precious.
I´ve cleaned out my part of the apartment, packed everything and got my furniture delivered to my dorm room today. The student's association were nice and let me move in early as I am having a guaranteed spot in the fall. I have plenty of more space and storage area now, and the rent is basically the same as this place. I have two new roommates. One is in vet school and the other one has four paws and a very moving tail. 🐾