LenaCs

Thank you @demuso. I honestly feel so guilty for writing this and posting it here. But I just... I haven't been in such a bad place mentally for a some time—actually I've never been as close to actually stepping off as last night. I guess I just feel very alone rn... sorry, I'm rambling.

I'm sorry, I just need to talk to someone, and since I've got no one to talk to, writing on here is the second best option. Now, I realise how dangerous it is to have one singular person as your whole support system. Even more so if you're not on equal footing. For over six months now since the incident happened, my mom has become my support system. Not that she's perfect by all means—but she's the best I've got. Yeah, I have a therapist. She's great. I've literally had a session yesterday. But without any friends, I've come to heavily rely on my mom. But that also means, every time we h

Thank you @ActivistAlly! I hope so too. I'm sure I will some day. But honestly, I'm just so relieved rn. It feels so much lighter to be able to let go of all that resentment and anger that I had towards him. We haven't talked since then. I told him he could text me and I'd reply, but that's about as far as I'm willing to have him back in my life. Even so, it feels so much better to not talk to him because I know there's nothing valuable he can add to my life, than it was to not talk to him out of fear/anger. Even though technically nothing really changed... we still don't talk, and probab

I cut him off completely the summer 2.5 years ago. My father is not the reason I’m on AS, but he was emotionally abusive, going as far as to lock me in his apartment for hours while he was at work, or raising his hand (though he never struck me, because 16 year old me had enough common sense to realise that I was in danger, and I managed to calm him down enough that he wouldn’t hit me). For a year when I was 16-17, I lived alone in Hungary, only daring to go to the capital with my hood pulled up because I feared what he’d do to me if he found out I was still in the country. The summer I was 16

Welcome to AS, Lise ♡ I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm also glad you found it when you needed to... I'm also really into manga/anime/books. Mostly psychological thriller and horror in manga/anime, but I'll read just about anything if it's a book:) I'm glad you reached out. I hope you find a little bit of healing in knowing that we understand and you're not alone ♡ —Lena

I've always loved the colour blue. Forget-me-nots, though there might be few, Soap bubbles catching the light, Or when the clouds break at twilight. They're all flares in those ocean eyes. But from my thoughts the grey fog flies And all that's left is me feeling blue As the sky cries for you. It cries for me too, For I've never seen that infinite hue. I've never met you with the true blue eyes. Even if I did, I wouldn't recognise. For in this world of lies upon lies, Even your blue would be clouded by demise.

Thank you @rabbitprotectsme. Sitting with me is always welcome.

I still hear your voice When I close my eyes When the light hits the blinds. I still feel your hands When you held me that night When I endured as you drained my light. Sometimes the light slips back Others, I'm once again plunged into the dark. It's so easy to forget about you, Act as if your sins weren't true. But then you show your face again, Slithering like the snake you've always been. You sink your teeth in, and once anew, I start seeing the world in two. And as the light leaves my eyes I hear the e

I was scared of the monsters under my bed. Invisible entities that wanted me dead. Blood drinking vampires , Brain eating zombies, Flesh eating ghouls, The devil who'll take our souls. But the devil is real. He's not a little red man with horns. He's made of flesh and bones. The monsters walk among us, Masquerading as the rest of us. Uncles, fathers, brothers, teachers, or the guy who fixes your sinks. They don't write their sins on their skins. The monsters weren't under my bed, They aren't in my hea

❤️❤️❤️

Gray. Never-ending, impenetrable fog. I strain my eyes, Trying to see the light, Tring to spot the lies. But there's nothing to fight. Not when everything's blind. A quiet, distant buzzing, A low-pitched humming. Like the electricity in the wall. Like a beehive, Or a distant waterfall. It grows louder, Right up in my ears. Almost like a fuse meets gunpowder. Just when all is lost, the ground disappears. Splash. The murky water swallows me as I clash. Inhalation. Suffocation.

Weekend dates And movie nights. Infinite stars in the skies. Coke and french fries. Once again, you're asleep, I'm awake and count the sheep. It's all you ever seemed to do, Even when I had the flu. But there's a secret side to you, One that's not at all new. Apparently everyone knew, For me it's an entirely new view. One of violence, of control, You wouldn't even let me take a stroll. You controlled what I wore, Wouldn't let me leave the door. Said my dreams were ridiculous, Even

Noise. Never ending buzz in my ear. Humming. Purring. Whispering. A dull ache in my head. A relentless wave of dread. Then they grow indignant. Flashes of black and yellow pigment. They grow deafening. Blaring. Ear-piercing. They beg me to function, To take action. I want to earn their satisfaction, To elicit a positive reaction. But I can't will myself to motion. Why should I tire when all that's left is an imperfect fraction? Everything has become a casualty to destruction. Th

Another day, Another punishment. Another price to pay, Another day I must live in banishment. I scream into the void for answers: "What have I done to deserve such treatment?" But all I see are shadowy dancers, Faceless figures from the past. Dismissing me. Ignoring me. Overlooking me. I reach out for one, But my hand is stopped. The flow of time is chopped. they are not here anymore, Long since dead. But I see them. Even if they are faceless. Even if they are nameless. They are the

Don't touch me. For I am not yours to touch. Don't call my name. For I never learned yours. Don't hold me. For your hands don't fit me, Like my father's shirt on the little girl I used to be. Don't tell me I agreed. For my 'no' to you meant 'convince me'. Choking. Hurting. Fearing. Enduring. Lying. Lying. "I'm fine", "I liked it", "I'm not gonna regret it if you stop now." Lying. Back against the mattress. Skin against the cold tiles. Watching from a bird's eye view