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Words

A blog by LenaCs in General

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About this blog

Poetry, unsent letters, and whatever my therapist says I should write.

Entries in this blog

Complicated feelings

What a shitty night

I'm sorry, I just need to talk to someone, and since I've got no one to talk to, writing on here is the second best option.  Now, I realise how dangerous it is to have one singular person as your whole support system. Even more so if you're not on equal footing. For over six months now since the incident happened, my mom has become my support system. Not that she's perfect by all means—but she's the best I've got. Yeah, I have a therapist. She's great. I've literally had a session yesterday
Complicated feelings

I contacted my father for the first time after 2.5 years of silence

I cut him off completely the summer 2.5 years ago. My father is not the reason I’m on AS, but he was emotionally abusive, going as far as to lock me in his apartment for hours while he was at work, or raising his hand (though he never struck me, because 16 year old me had enough common sense to realise that I was in danger, and I managed to calm him down enough that he wouldn’t hit me). For a year when I was 16-17, I lived alone in Hungary, only daring to go to the capital with my hood pulled up
Poems

Blue Unknown

I've always loved the colour blue. Forget-me-nots, though there might be few, Soap bubbles catching the light, Or when the clouds break at twilight.   They're all flares in those ocean eyes.  But from my thoughts the grey fog flies And all that's left is me feeling blue As the sky cries for you. It cries for me too, For I've never seen that infinite hue.    I've never met you with the true blue eyes. Even if I did, I wouldn't recog
LenaCs

LenaCs in Poems

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Poems

Still

I still hear your voice When I close my eyes When the light hits the blinds. I still feel your hands When you held me that night When I endured as you drained my light.   Sometimes the light slips back Others, I'm once again plunged into the dark. It's so easy to forget about you, Act as if your sins weren't true.   But then you show your face again, Slithering like the snake you've always been. You sink your teeth in, and onc
LenaCs

LenaCs in Poems

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Poems

The Monster Under My Bed

I was scared of the monsters under my bed. Invisible entities that wanted me dead. Blood drinking vampires , Brain eating zombies, Flesh eating ghouls, The devil who'll take our souls.   But the devil is real.    He's not a little red man with horns. He's made of flesh and bones. The monsters walk among us,  Masquerading as the rest of us.  Uncles, fathers, brothers, teachers, or the guy who fixes your sinks. They don't write
LenaCs

LenaCs in Poems

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Poems

The Second Waltz

Gray. Never-ending, impenetrable fog. I strain my eyes, Trying to see the light, Tring to spot the lies. But there's nothing to fight. Not when everything's blind.   A quiet, distant buzzing, A low-pitched humming. Like the electricity in the wall. Like a beehive, Or a distant waterfall.   It grows louder, Right up in my ears. Almost like a fuse meets gunpowder. Just when all is lost, the ground disappears.
LenaCs

LenaCs in Poems

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Poems

Letter To My Father

Weekend dates And movie nights. Infinite stars in the skies. Coke and french fries.   Once again, you're asleep, I'm awake and count the sheep. It's all you ever seemed to do, Even when I had the flu.   But there's a secret side to you,  One that's not at all new. Apparently everyone knew, For me it's an entirely new view.   One of violence, of control,  You wouldn't even let me take a stroll. You controlled wha
LenaCs

LenaCs in Poems

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Poems

Buzz

Noise. Never ending buzz in my ear. Humming. Purring. Whispering. A dull ache in my head. A relentless wave of dread.   Then they grow indignant. Flashes of black and yellow pigment. They grow deafening. Blaring. Ear-piercing.   They beg me to  function, To take action. I want to earn their satisfaction, To elicit a positive reaction. But I can't will myself to motion. Why should I tire when all that's
LenaCs

LenaCs in Poems

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Inherited

Another day, Another punishment. Another price to pay,  Another day I must live in banishment. I scream into the void for answers: "What have I done to deserve such treatment?" But all I see are shadowy dancers, Faceless figures from the past.   Dismissing me. Ignoring me. Overlooking me.   I reach out for one,  But my hand is stopped. The flow of time is chopped. they are not here anymore, Long since dead.
LenaCs

LenaCs in Poems

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Poems

The Wings You Clipped

Don't touch me.  For I am not yours to touch. Don't call my name.  For I never learned yours.  Don't hold me. For your hands don't fit me, Like my father's shirt on the little girl I used to be. Don't tell me I agreed. For my 'no' to you meant 'convince me'.   Choking. Hurting. Fearing. Enduring. Lying.   Lying. "I'm fine", "I liked it", "I'm not gonna regret it if you stop now."   Lying.
LenaCs

LenaCs in Poems

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