I finally found stability, so now it's all falling apart. Yay!

[VagrantAmygdala]

The "yay" in the title is only half sarcastic. It's been a long time coming that I could finally take the time to sit with myself and figure out what I actually need beyond bare minimum survival. I've been running all my life and finally found a place where my nervous system could finally start unpacking all the things. I was thankfully warned by other survivors that the falling apart process is normal, that things have to get worse before they get better. So thankfully it's only taken me a year to get my butt here in community with others who are on the same journey.

I'm here because I don't know how to center myself or my pain, but it absolutely needs to be centered. I'm here because I can't stand to not be around people who get it, I'm tired of explaining myself six ways from sunday to people who don't have the capacity to understand. I'm here because this well of shame in my belly says I can't have friends, and I'm trying not to let it win. I'm here because the ideation is getting awful and I really, really don't want to let it win. I'm here because I'm ready to finally face this shit and give myself the care I've deserved for so so very long. 

Outside of being a sad lil sack of survival, I'm a pretty big gamer. I love crafting and art of all kinds. I love sitting on my porch and watching the critters and trees go about their business. I love thunderstorms and rain and big bodies of water. I love love love animals of all kinds and know way too much about the care and keeping of dozens of animals I will never actually meet, but gosh cats still hold a special place in my heart.

So Hi, hello, nice to meet you! I can't wait to get to know y'all. I already have such a deep appreciation for those that are here that this little community even exists

Edited June 10 by VagrantAmygdala

[MeBeMary]

Hi VagrantAmygdala,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am sorry for all you've been thru and that there are still struggles. Not uncommon, but still sorry that you have to deal with any of it. You've found a supportive community with many kind people who get it. And you are right. It's hard to explain or relay what we've gone thru to others who just don't understand. It's not just an unfortunate incident and it's over and done. We were victimized, yet we have to find that way to move forward and it does take hard work and time. Most non-survivors just don't get this.

I'm glad you've heard from others that what you've gone thru is normal for these un-normal circumstances. How you feel, how you think and even how you behave has a lot to do with how you are reacting from trauma. It is good to hear you are taking steps, as well. Being ready to face all that you've been thru is not an easy decision. I know this personally, as it took me decades to even admit what happened to me was trauma. Deciding to face it take strength, and no matter where anyone in this community is in that healing journey, each one of these individuals has it...including you.

I'm glad you have hobbies and creative outlets. I believe it's an important part of our journey. You will find many here have such outlets. I've used writing and diamond art as therapeutic measures. I hope we get to hear more about your creative side, as time goes by (we also have a Healing Thru Creativity forum, if you ever decide you want to share).

You would have loved it where I am tonight. Storms have been rolling thru for about six hours now. Nothing severe, but rumbles and distant lightening plus much needed rain. As for animals, I agree. By looking at my profile avatar, you may guess one of my favorites.

I wish you nothing but the best as you walk down this path of healing. 

Mary

[VagrantAmygdala]

10 minutes ago, MeBeMary said:

Hi VagrantAmygdala,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am sorry for all you've been thru and that there are still struggles. Not uncommon, but still sorry that you have to deal with any of it. You've found a supportive community with many kind people who get it. And you are right. It's hard to explain or relay what we've gone thru to others who just don't understand. It's not just an unfortunate incident and it's over and done. We were victimized, yet we have to find that way to move forward and it does take hard work and time. Most non-survivors just don't get this.

I'm glad you've heard from others that what you've gone thru is normal for these un-normal circumstances. How you feel, how you think and even how you behave has a lot to do with how you are reacting from trauma. It is good to hear you are taking steps, as well. Being ready to face all that you've been thru is not an easy decision. I know this personally, as it took me decades to even admit what happened to me was trauma. Deciding to face it take strength, and no matter where anyone in this community is in that healing journey, each one of these individuals has it...including you.

I'm glad you have hobbies and creative outlets. I believe it's an important part of our journey. You will find many here have such outlets. I've used writing and diamond art as therapeutic measures. I hope we get to hear more about your creative side, as time goes by (we also have a Healing Thru Creativity forum, if you ever decide you want to share).

You would have loved it where I am tonight. Storms have been rolling thru for about six hours now. Nothing severe, but rumbles and distant lightening plus much needed rain. As for animals, I agree. By looking at my profile avatar, you may guess one of my favorites.

I wish you nothing but the best as you walk down this path of healing. 

Mary

What a beautiful welcome, thanks so much! Gosh you were right, I would have loved that weather a lot. Six hours sounds fantastic for an area that needed rain, it's always so cool to go out the next day and see how much the plants woke up.

I haven't been on forums in a long time, I hope this is the right way to reply 

[MeBeMary]

You are very welcome! 

Your reply is just fine! Quoting is a good way to address what was said by someone. The original post and reply are also appropriate for this forum. It may have been awhile, but it seems you are getting the feel back for how it works. 

I look forward to seeing you around the forum!  

[awi]

Hi, welcome to AS. So glad you found us. The shame and blame are on the perpetrator.  I am CSA survivor and was able to shake off the blame and shame.  I feel no shame nor blame.  You will too. Keeping you company during this part of your journey

[WannaMoveOn]

17 hours ago, VagrantAmygdala said:

The "yay" in the title is only half sarcastic. It's been a long time coming that I could finally take the time to sit with myself and figure out what I actually need beyond bare minimum survival. I've been running all my life and finally found a place where my nervous system could finally start unpacking all the things.

Hello and welcome to After Silence! I am Wanna  That specific quote is something I have lived over and over, and many other survivors as well. When we have extended trauma, we might not even remember or know what normalcy is supposed to be like. I myself have CPTSD partially from my childhood, and my nervous system was shut down for my first 20 years of living. I did counselling for the first time at 19 and CBT at 20-21. I just finnished off another round of CBT at the age of 26, and once again, there was more to unpack than I've realized. My therapist talked specifically about the central nervous system, too. 

17 hours ago, VagrantAmygdala said:

m tired of explaining myself six ways from sunday to people who don't have the capacity to understand.

I feel you, some people might genuinly want to be helpful, but sometimes it takes a survivor to get a survivor. Somehow, certain experiences seem to be universial for us survivors. I guess it's because we are all human beings trying to cope under extremly unfortunate circumstances.

17 hours ago, VagrantAmygdala said:

I'm a pretty big gamer. I love crafting and art of all kinds. I love sitting on my porch and watching the critters and trees go about their business. I love thunderstorms and rain and big bodies of water. I love love love animals of all kinds and know way too much about the care and keeping of dozens of animals I will never actually meet, but gosh cats still hold a special place in my heart.

I enjoy playing the Sims 2, and I also enjoy the outdoors. I am a big animal fan, but sadly am in no place to have a pet yet. Luckily, my landlord has a cat that I "borrow" at times and I have done a lot of dog sitting. 

I hope this community will find you well, and offer that extra support you need and deserve. Please do send me a PM if I can be at any help, okay? 

All best 

W

[Finchy]

Welcome to AS! I'm glad you made your way here. I wish you all the best on your healing journey...you're not alone.  

I'm a big gamer as well! What are you playing right now?

Take care.

-Finchy