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  1. Past hour
  2. I didn't realize that I was having major flashbacks for days. I woke up to a bad dream yet again today. From cult leader SA down to earlier ones in college and in my late teens. That was the first shame. 

  3. Today
  4. Uh-oh.

    Screenshot_20210510-231909_Chrome.jpg

    1. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      🤣 Haha that is so great!!

    2. Tapestry

      Tapestry

      😂😂😂

  5. Welcome to AS, @Lillysurvivor! I'm glad you found your way here, though I am so terribly sorry for what you've been through. As Mary said, it must be so fresh. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve what happened to you. And it must have been so awful that you needed surgery. I hope that you're recovering from the surgery smoothly. Reaching out here is a great start to healing mentally...you'll find a lot of kind and supportive people. We're all here for you. Sending you strength and tons of support! ❤️ Take gentle care of yourself. -Finch
  6. Hi Lilyrose, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what happened to you recently. It must all seem so fresh to you. I hope you know that you did nothing wrong and that this was not deserved. It is one of the things must of us have a tough time dealing with, but what any survivor goes thru is not their fault. I hope you are healing physically and sorry it was severe enough to require surgery. The emotional and psychological healing will likely take a bit longer. Do know you are not alone, as you will find support and understanding from this community. Take your time tho on sh
  7. TW!! Hi everyone, I don’t want to give too many details, but I am a young woman in her mid twenties who is a recent victim of sexual assault. I spent days in the hospital after emergency surgery. I’m just looking for others to talk to and hopefully help each other begin to heal. All my best, Lillyrose
  8. Yesterday
  9. Hi @halflife I'm very sorry about the trauma you have experienced. I believe you. What happened was not your fault. It does not matter how many drinks you had. Rape is solely caused by rapist, nothing else. I'm sorry that your wife was unsupportive of you in the aftermath. But we are all here to support you through the healing process. Healing takes time and is a process, but you can and will heal from this. The shame is not yours to hold. I hope you are able to find the support you need on this site.
  10. Hi halflife. Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what happened to you last week. What happened was not your fault. Being hurt is never deserved and I am sad that your wife thinks so. Your drinking is not an excuse for anyone to do as they wish to you. I wish she understood this. I want you to understand this, too. What you feel is normal...for un-normal circumstances. We often feel responsible for what others did to us. You did not ask for this tho and this fake friend had no right to do this. I'm so sorry you were betrayed by someone you trusted. Feel free to look around t
  11. Dear half life The rape wasn't ur fault wether drink or not it no ok to .violate someone nad it not ok to do it either I would like to welcome you to After Silence's forums. We are all here for you and want to support you in any way we can. I know that posting for the first time can be scary. Please don't worry, though; you will always be given so much support from our lovely community and its members. You're not alone - we are with you. You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox. Please feel free to respond to that PM if you have an
  12. Hi there, I’m grateful to be here – grateful for the community that I am seeing is here, and sorrowful that there are so many of us. Thank you, everyone. I don’t know what to say. I was born in America but I live abroad now – I’m a writer and student of history. That’s how people see me – studious, sardonic, quirky. And I’m keeping that persona going right now, but I am draining away. Last week, I was raped. By a “friend.” I’m supposed to keep it secret – only three people know. I’m trying to be strong and hide it. But it happened and I can’t stop replaying the scene in
  13. Hello, I had signed up a few months ago thinking I was ready to handle everything, but it became too much. I’m back again now and wanted to reintroduce myself and say hello to all of the people here who have made me feel less alone already. Thank you for being here.
  14. Last week
  15. Happy Mother's Day to the moms of AS, whether that be to a human, pet, or some special other relationship. :throb:

    1. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      Thank you. *is a pet mom* Happy mother's day to you as well if you are in that category! :flowers:

    2. snmls

      snmls

      Thank you @mini.finch. I'm a "dog mom." 

  16. Having bad anxiety today. Could use some hugs and sitters.

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. sisyphus

      sisyphus

      I know it's late, but I'm here too. You have supported me so much in my own difficult moments,  it would be an honor to extend the same to you. 

    3. Field8

      Field8

      How did everything go?

    4. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      Thank you so much @Field8, @WendyAlone, and @sisyphus. You're all so sweet. ❤️ Truly it's MY honor to know you all.

      Thanks for asking, Fieldy. It went ok-ish...as I thought, my doctor put me down about my weight. Insisted I change my eating habits and exercise more. She also still refused to believe I have as many migraines as I do. I need to get a new doctor. 

  17. After sitting outside if the hospital for over an hour, I am now home. I couldn’t go in, could not go through with the examination. It is so hard, I thought that I was strong enough, turns out, not yet. 😔😔

    1. AKB

      AKB

      I'm so sorry @Rachal1. Sitting with you to support you if you'd like some company.

    2. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      Oh dear. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the fear and pain you've been going through. Sending you strength and comfort. ❤️ Maybe you will feel stronger for an examination later on. We're all here for you!

  18. Dear kylie I am sorry for all that you have been through. You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy! We are all here for you and we want to support you. You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support. You can post as much or as little as you like. We are here to support you in the way you need. I have found this community to be very helpful. Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.  All
  19. My new roommate attempted to steal a pair of my stockings today! Luckily I caught her in the act. She was so cute though, I couldn't get mad. Her owner was amused too. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. WannaMoveOn

      WannaMoveOn

      184191624_231028662123790_16939952168154

      @AKB @mini.finch Presentation of evidence 

    3. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      Aww!! What an evil, adorable, monster! I LOVE this thief. :lol: Guilty, guilty! Of being cute!

    4. WannaMoveOn

      WannaMoveOn

      @mini.finchshe also went snacking at 2 am last night, her chewing was unavoidable. She's so sneaky and cuddly! 

  20. Have to visit the hospital today for a check up...not looking forward to it at all. So scared 😔

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Rachal1

      Rachal1

      Yes, that is why I am going. Injuries need checking. 😔

    3. WannaMoveOn

      WannaMoveOn

      I know, I just wanted to ask since I hope the staff understands your situation. 

    4. Rachal1

      Rachal1

      Thank you for your support. It is going to be awful, I know it. I am so nervous. 

  21. I'll be plain and honest, I'm not very strong. Everytime I stand up, I always fall down. I'll be plain and honest, Everytime I try, I fail. When they say, "get up," They also say, "it's not a big deal." I'll be plain and honest, About every word I've heard. "Strong," "smart," "beautiful," It's just a lie in my mind. I'll be plain and honest, With all the lies aside. Last few months, I've been thinking about suicide. I'll be plain and honest, 13 plans in mind. My friend freake
  22. In a bad place. -_-

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Celia

      Celia

      Thank you, I appreciate it ♥️😓

    3. Field8

      Field8

      I’m sorry. Sitting with you.

    4. Anonymous4

      Anonymous4

      Sitting with you too @Celia

  23. I believe all these hours of therapy sessions and investigation is finally kicking off. I am snacking more, fruits and a cookie or two, I am napping more and I am taking more breaks.

    Previously, I was in an evil circle of hyper activity until I broke down and was in low mode for months, then picked myself up and repeated the process. I am breaking tasks into bits more now, and I am questioning myself when I realize I am making too big plans again. 

     

  24. My fur child died 3 weeks ago during a grooming under anesthesia. I am shattered. I am angry. My heart is gone. That is how I'm doing lately.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      Oh dear, I'm so sorry. That is an awful tragedy. :( I'm sorry your furbaby crossed the Rainbow Bridge too soon. You have every right to be upset and angry...so sad. Sending you strength and love, comfort and healing. ❤️ 

    3. snmls

      snmls

      I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a pet. They really are family. Sending you support. 

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      I’m so sorry to hear that Tulip. That’s heartbreaking. I’m sending you much support and big safe hugs if wanted. ❤️

  25. Hi nice to meet you! Just saw your username and thought it is really cool...I love rain. Hope this finds you well :)

    B

  26. Kylie86

    Hello

    Thank you all for the kind welcome! Im amazed how nervous I am to be involved in an online support group so your words truly help. Though we are individuals we share an unfortunate common thread and It’s encouraging to hear other voices speaking words I have kept inside for far too long.
  27. At a low point but first time at one of these points where I have a therapist I really like. I have “my body is a cage” stuck on repeat in my head atm. It’s sickeningly appropriate for how I feel. ***Trigger Warning**** Wanting to crash diet, count cals, keep food journal, look at certain things online. (if you know what I mean, you know..) wanting to feel anything but my feelings...so visualizing self harm a lot. It’s how I cope with not self harming...haven’t in 10+ yrs. my depression is just bad and I want to focus on anything but feelings...while also
  28. Afraid to be happy? 
     

    An old friend came and swooped me up for an impromptu vacation. As in, two weeks in Costa Rica. I had two days notice, and  I was so depressed and so concerned about panic attacks & travel that I almost didn’t come. 

    I’m glad I did. This time has been deeply nourishing, and I’m only on my second day here. She, too, has experienced major trauma since we last saw each other 3 years ago. She, too, thought I no longer wanted her or loved her as we were both treated badly by the same group of friends. 
     

    The beach has been nourishing & wonderful. My new meds are helping a lot. We have cried a lot as we’ve shared stories, and last night she held me tight when the panic hit. I have been so cut off from human contact that it is work to believe I actually have support and love. We have both spent a lot of time building each other up where our beloveds have torn us down.  We have laughed, too - and the frown on my face was becoming so constant that it actually hurts my muscles to smile. 
     

    Being with her and the ocean feels so easy & natural, and I feel like myself for hours on end. 
     

    then I remember. 
     

    I remember what happened and I swear it’s like my brain slides sideways. Nothing makes sense. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m afraid to be hopeful.  I feel like I don’t deserve her generosity, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed that she has to pay for everything. She corrects me - she WANTS to provide for me and reminds me of all the ways I used to provide for her... before it all happened. 
     

    but those moments where I can forget are so precious. 

    1. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      First off, I'm so glad that you went for that surprise vacation! It sounded awesome. A true and well deserved reset from the tough times. Your friend sounds wonderful. :) 

      But I'm sorry that the memories decide to take over. You're not doing anything wrong...if anything, you're doing what's right. You're doing the most important thing for yourself by accepting support and love from your friend. You're healing, and that is ok. It's normal to feel unsure about accepting someone's kindness when you've struggled for such a long time. But it's totally ok. I'm proud of you. ❤️ 

    2. sisyphus

      sisyphus

      Thank you, @mini.finch

      I’ve been having some good spells of several hours at a time, then crashing pretty hard between.  It’s nice to reconnect with myself and my friend. The crashes are hard but the good spells tell me there’s hope I can stabilize.

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