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I think some people are meant to just come Into your life for a bit, and then leave.
In that time you may learn a few things…about them, about yourself, about the world.
You may have fun with them too and enjoy their company, their energy. As well as feeling safe enough to feel sad or cry about whatever Is heavy on your heart.
It may feel like there’s an Infinite number of things you could talk about with this person. It convinces you that it’ll never end, even if it’s for a smal
Well, I'm going back to school. This time at a university in Arizona. I'm working on getting my BA in Communications. It's an online program. The only things that are scheduled are due dates for assignments. In some ways this is great as it gives me a lot of flexibility, but is also challenging in making sure to manage my time to keep up with everything. Last week wasn't good as there were some times that I was shut down mentally and physically and emotionally. I was overwhelmed with everything
Hello.
I havent posted on here in 3 years. i have healed a lot from my assault 4 years ago. but ive come to the realization im a victim of cocsa. Memories are coming back to me of doing things with other kids. i dont know how they started but i know they happened. its hard to deal with because i feel so guilty for even doing that. what do i do now?
I know I need to find something today. I have been spread out, dispersed, and alone.
I don't like that my abuser, W., is continuing to get to me. I have gone to great lengths to keep him out, but he finds ways to filter in.
If a protection order's not going to do it, what will?
What am I feeling today? The kids are with W, CPS comes tomorrow, I work the weekend and I still have to get documents in order for court stuff. I need to calendar and plan my week but that's always been
To recap, my exiles are Lucy, the bitter red fight-response one who holds violent penetration; Alice, the sad blue negative-fawn-response one who holds transportation and verbal abuse; and Daisy, the confused yellow positive-fawn-response one who holds grooming. Lucy and Alice are girls I'm pretty sure, but I've now learned Daisy is a boy. I also have a core self, the purple one, separate from my manager ("me," the gray one) but more associated with her than any of the others are.
I've been
Somewhere in all this, I need a moment to write something. I've been to court too many times this month. I've remembered some things that I had kept... not so much hidden from myself, but I had worked actively to avoid encoding. I was raped by my abuser and this truth has only surfaced in the last two months, when another of his former partner's described incidents that very much resemble the night that I met him. The use of substances to cloud judgment, to dull the senses, to overwrite biologic
Posting this because my brain won't let go and I need a break. But I talked about it yesterday in therapy about the way I've suddenly begun grieving. One of the biggest questions for me that's still unanswered is "why now?" I started being SA'd approximately 17 years ago, starting with being groped and having my body talked about sexually by my neighbor and brother and describing ways they wanted to SA me. The first memory that came back to me was my neighbor's cousin sexually exposing himself t
Today was emotionally a hurricane for me. Everything seemed to remind me of my brother and everything about my brother reminded me of him touching me and every reminder of him touching me just brought the snickering sound of my mom laughing his abuse off and defending him. I struggled with the fact that she didn't get me a single present because she doesn't love me. It all set in how much of a lie my life had been. Staring at the forgotten remains of the childhood I thought I had all day broke m
I don't think you're something I'm ever going to see the end of. I sit in front of these tired memories and find you there, even still.
I can look at fact after fact in my mind:
No one is responsible for being victimized.
It isn't reasonable to expect that doing something differently would have changed the outcome. They would have done it either way.
Doing something "wrong" still doesn't justify someone else perpetuating assault.
It isn't reasonable to expect pe
This isn't really a recovered memory but just something that occurred to me. At one point I was trying to see how much I could remember of my early childhood. A lot of it seems murky. I just was curious... I had no intention to reopen old wounds. Then I realized that around the age of 3, maybe early into 4, I had exactly one memory that's still somewhat intact. It reaffirmed to me, crystal clear, that there just wasn't love where I thought there was.
I remembered being absolutely terrified
i'm sorry for taking up this space. i was torn between posting a vent topic so i don't show up as the most recent blog entry, or posting a blog entry so i don't show up as the most recent vent topic. since the difference is basically meaningless, i almost just kept my mouth shut. but i couldn't.
i think i'm in an efb. or just coming out of one.
it was just a good cry first. well "good" isn't the right word. it was a bad cry. that's how it always starts. the kind where every tear is phy
I said something without thinking yesterday. I don't remember what it was. I was sober, and I was happy. I was laughing. That's all I really took from it. It didn't make much sense at the time to me, either. I usually fixate on what I say without thinking, scrutinizing it for any potential misgivings, any error to chastise myself over, and I'm coming up empty-handed. I just kept the feeling, mostly.
Is that good?
I don't say all of this to brag. I know what you do for a living. You're
I'm currently left with not much to do except stew in my thoughts and emotions. I think I've done enough rotting... for now at least. I have a lot to say. I sat for quite a bit with the realization that I'm not just grieving my dad. I'm simultaneously grieving the fact that I had the possibility of a safe and happy childhood forcibly taken from me by my abusers for reasons I don't even fully know.
Grief, for me, has always been late to arrive. I understand in my dad's case, that I didn't at
So the weekend is ending. I was supposed to rest and be gentle with myself. Turned out opposite.
On the bright'ish side, I slowly started to realize that I was raped. I knew that logically, and remember it. But strangely, after this long time, I had this small realization how badly I got hurt.
I also realized that I've been triggered today and on other occasions, and didn't know it's a trigger. I believed that I was freezing because I'm some kind of non grown up old wuss...
My mi
It's been difficult to find you again. After getting sick, and getting so caught up in my own head about getting better, I feel like I've lost a lot of myself. At least I'm still here to pick up the pieces. After all that's happened, I know that those pieces don't really go away.
There are a lot of lies that I think I internalized about you. About us. Every time that you gagged when just trying to eat dinner - something well outside of your own control - and were met with anger. Frustration
Today was intense therapy related. I got back to EMDR after months of pause. I felt squished, my chest and throat burned. This time I go without expectations or "I have to do this" attitude. I want to take preferably last look at the past and let it go, not just hide and bury it.
It's been a long time I haven't seen my abuser's face. This time I was able to pull this image very clearly. Looks like I'm still scared of him, based on my reaction.
The worst, I think, was when
My t
I’ve been afraid to write anything for a while because I now have a new fear where I’m scared of people thinking I’m always “bad”, or always going through something…which Is not true, at least I don’t think It’s that simple.
I think this place became so comfortable for me that at a certain point, I only came here to share all my Issues…and maybe I made It seem like that was all there was In my life…
My days are usually filled with “gray areas”. Good and bad things happen to me all the
this dream was strange. i know i'm a verbal thinker, and all my parts are articulate to various extents, and them literally speaking to me is one of the most common ways i reexperience. but normally nightmares are different, normally nightmares are visual and tactile. but this... i dreamt of a part talking to me.
it wasn't any of the ones i thought i knew. i see now. little jaime wasn't secretly three other parts. she was secretly protecting three other parts. when she leapt from the tower
"If she even could hear me, what am I supposed to say? 'I see you, I love you, you're safe now?' What good would that do? She thinks she's happy to be in pain.
Like if I said 'I see you...'"
"Do you like what you see?"
"I love you..."
"Aww, I love you too! [lie]"
"... You're safe now."
"I know that, silly! There's no safer place to be than in his bed, where he's going to violate me again and remind me I'm wanted."
Until I finished writing this example of why I
Today, Silas has been a little more expressive and it's excruciating. He said today, "why did we let this happen?" over and over. Just to himself. He also lifted his shirt and made motions across his stomach and arms; he wanted to cut those spots. All he wants is to cuddle with me; he's still scared to directly speak to me. I'm sorry I let you down little one. I'll at least be here for you to rest against.
I didn't think Lucy could speak through me. To me, sure, but not through me.
Today I was proven wrong. On her behalf, I said something really inappropriate in someone else's thread. It was intended as sympathetic, but it was actually really not okay. I wasn't in control enough to catch it at first. Then I did, and I edited it out. If you are that person, I'm sorry if you saw that. I hope you didn't.
I think accepting her enough to give her a name has emboldened her, but she's too angry
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