Daisy has all but entirely taken over my mind
Entry posted by rabbitprotectsme in developments ·
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To recap, my exiles are Lucy, the bitter red fight-response one who holds violent penetration; Alice, the sad blue negative-fawn-response one who holds transportation and verbal abuse; and Daisy, the confused yellow positive-fawn-response one who holds grooming. Lucy and Alice are girls I'm pretty sure, but I've now learned Daisy is a boy. I also have a core self, the purple one, separate from my manager ("me," the gray one) but more associated with her than any of the others are.
I've been gone for a bit because Daisy has taken over. I don't think he's fronting, but he's shoulder-riding so close to the front that he's in complete control of our behavior.
This might be TMI but
He expresses himself in an online kink space. I fear it may be a form of self-abuse. There is an element of actual libido to it, sure, but in addition to that, he also thinks it's all he's good for and he needs to do this because he doesn't belong anywhere else and no one would ever love or want him for anything else. Exploiting himself in this way feels to him like the only way he can be cared about.
Also (CW EDs)
I'm still off my meds, and have cycled out of restricting and back into binging, going on two weeks. I feel bad for saying that like it's a bad thing. But no, I have to remind myself, the right thing, the healthy thing, would be between the two, and I have a right to want that, I don't have an obligation to be happy about one just because I was unhappy about the other. I'm not "losing willpower," I'm not "indulging," I'm being blown helplessly back and forth between two equal but opposite forms of self-torment. I have every right to... want to go back to restricting?? No, that's not the way I should be looking at this at all... but it is my truth, unfortunately.
Anyway, because of both of those secondary effects of this mental context switch, I've been too overwhelmed with guilt to show my face around here.
Edit: Oh also I learned where Daisy's name comes from. Lucy is short for Lucifer because she wants to torment the sinners who hurt us, Alice is as in Alice in Wonderland because of her experience of being drugged out and put in a suitcase and taken somewhere unfamiliar, and Daisy is as in HAL 9000 singing "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do..." because Daisy feels as confused about his own feelings and daydreamy and delirious as HAL 9000 must have been when it was being shut down.
Edit 2: (CW EDs, SH mention)
I'm also noticing my eating behaviors seem to be inverted from expected between Lucy and Daisy. I think each of my exiles is also a firefighter, they're hybrid between the two types of parts, the hybridization is because the coping mechanisms directly correlate to the types of pain they partition off. Alice self-harms because she hates herself. Lucy binges out of a desire to devour our assailants. Daisy restricts because he wants to be perfect. So why is it that when Daisy shoulder-rides, I binge, and when Lucy or Alice shoulder-rides, I restrict? I think maybe what's going on is that whoever isn't shoulder-riding controls my eating behavior. That's why it feels so beyond "my" control, too, because whoever's controlling it at any given time is whoever isn't conscious.
Edit 3: wait, oh my god, is that also why no matter what I'm ever doing with my eating behavior I always want to be doing the opposite? Because whoever's shoulder-riding is the one who would do the opposite! That makes so much sense!
Edited by rabbitprotectsme
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