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About this blog

I want to be free. My abuser moved out almost two years ago, I am in therapy. We share three children and I protect them as much as I can.

I am trying to read and write my way into a life of my choosing.

Entries in this blog

childhood

A Heinous Hag Haunting

I know I need to find something today. I have been spread out, dispersed, and alone.  I don't like that my abuser, W., is continuing to get to me. I have gone to great lengths to keep him out, but he finds ways to filter in.  If a protection order's not going to do it, what will? What am I feeling today? The kids are with W, CPS comes tomorrow, I work the weekend and I still have to get documents in order for court stuff. I need to calendar and plan my week but that's always been
januarycanary

januarycanary in childhood

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childhood

TEN

My therapist made an observation, when I complained of how I am unable to feel and express anger. Reading the emotion wheel, how many primary and secondary emotions that flowed from anger sound familiar, in the context of my mother? Let down, humiliated, bitter, mad, aggressive, frustrated, distant, critical. A different wheel adds irritated, insecure and hateful. Betrayed, resentful, disrespected, ridiculed, indignant, violated, furious, jealous, provoked, hostile, infuriated, annoyed, withdraw
januarycanary

januarycanary in childhood

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childhood

MESSAGES

A friend, B, that I hadn't talked to in a while called me today. I am lucky to have her in my life - she was one of two people who engaged with my abusive partner, W, and told me that how he treated me was wrong. She insisted I had to get out. It took several months for me to come around to it, which was helped along by the fact that W hated social situations and outings with the kids, so I had a lot of time without him to consider my experience of the kids, community, connections, without him.
januarycanary

januarycanary in childhood

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childhood

Love and Other Lies

There is a place I used to go to, when I was fourteen. In the 2000s I would write journal entries, read about my friends' lives. In high school I found out that I had somewhat of a following. I guess that made me a writer at a time that I wanted so badly to call myself one, but never dared to because I always felt "less than". Back then I was moderately depressed. I wonder if there has ever been a time in my life that I wasn't. I grew up in Singapore, where in some families, a child's worth
januarycanary

januarycanary in childhood

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