I know I need to find something today. I have been spread out, dispersed, and alone. 

I don't like that my abuser, W., is continuing to get to me. I have gone to great lengths to keep him out, but he finds ways to filter in. 

If a protection order's not going to do it, what will?

What am I feeling today? The kids are with W, CPS comes tomorrow, I work the weekend and I still have to get documents in order for court stuff. I need to calendar and plan my week but that's always been something that I have trouble bringing myself to do. I don't know if anyone who hasn't grown up with an emotionally abusive, hypercritical, punishing and controlling parent would understand the all-pervading dread that's been written in my life, messages of incompetence, inferiority, worthlessness. What will filing my work do? Only show me all the ways I fail. And it's boring, what do you mean I should do it just because it's expected of me, I am a child! Schoolwork is something that I can only get in trouble for. There are so many things I can get in trouble for - defiance, expressing myself, talking about my feelings, asking for things.... I am my father's favorite, the narrative is, because when I ask for things he gives them to me. I am selfish and bad for communicating my needs. I am a girl so why should I have needs? Your father doesn't treat you like dirt even though that's what is demanded by my mom and Asian culture. My mother blames me for "playing" my dad. But I am a child, she forgets, or that never tracked in the first place. She is not responsible for my feelings, my well-being, my actions. As my mother I owe her respect, I owe her acts that would distinguish her in the eyes of her peers. I owe her reverence, I owe her loyalty.

I am angry and I feel alone. This is a familiar feeling. You will fail, you can't do all the things you need to do, you can't ask anyone for help, tomorrow will come and you will be anxious and afraid and unprepared and if you could will yourself to die on the spot you would. Things are shit and you are alone. You are told that you are not enough, you will never be enough, don't you understand?

You can lose yourself in books and your own goddamned words, which gives you the illusion that you matter to someone, that your life happened at all, and movies and dreams of later where you will forget this life you had before and everyone and everything encased in it - suspended in amber. I would like to forget my life entirely. 

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I wonder if I am just two ideas at once - the fantasy of un-living a life as a child unloved, and the unshakeable belief that I can change what happens to me.