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About this blog

I want to be free. My abuser moved out almost two years ago, I am in therapy. We share three children and I protect them as much as I can.

I am trying to read and write my way into a life of my choosing.

Entries in this blog

now

ONE STEP

Today I am trying to center myself on what it is I choose to do. I am taking my time to sit with it, to make plans at my own pace, and to enjoy to experience of going about my day with myself. My kids are with W this week. I'm being kind to myself. I wish I could get through everything that the past month has brought. Perhaps I will in my own time. Here are my anxieties. I am unemployed and without medical insurance. I know there are some remaining legal issues to get to, although the divor
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REST

I don't know what's holding me back exactly. It's been an odd time, I think. My instinct is to take things slowly, to concentrate on a few recurring tasks that I want to master, that I want to take pride in. Work towards a few broader goals. And then focus on the conversations and connections that I make in the moment with people that I love - taking the time to listen to them, appreciate, and trust ourselves to problem-solve later. We can keep talking through what causes us anxiety. Discomfort
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A curse and a prayer.

I wonder if we do it to ourselves. "To death do us part", we say, as if that's supposed to be comforting. Is it a curse or a prayer?  I think back to the years of Bible-Presbyterian instruction - maybe a decade of it. If I had gotten a head start on all those ancient philosophers maybe I could have filled the rustle of the sanctuary with something other than a longing to fit in, at desperate odds with the building hum of something that came from within that wasn't Christ Our Lord and S
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The mind does not have to be a prison.

The mind does not have to be a prison. Feelings, change, observations, ideas - they don't have to be dangerous to you. I have kept myself so barely held together over the past decade and change that I would reject it out of hand. It was frightening, and foreign, and threatened to expose the truth that I knew was there - I was depressed because I was under someone else's control. I think someone who hasn't been in that position can't understand it. I think that's why it takes so long to come arou
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THE ACT

I am struggling to come up with anything to express today. And then I remembered that part of all this is the act - of sitting with myself, thoughts and words blinking in and out of existence. Sometimes I hope they form a connection, meet in the night and build rich and full lives. Sometimes I am glad they disappear forever. I'm thinking of giving up on the idea of a life with someone entirely. I'm thinking of entirely giving up on the idea of a life with someone entirely. Wait, that's not
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