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About this blog

I'm just going to use this as a space to process things in a way I can write down and read again when I need to. Any input you have is welcome.

Entries in this blog

Processing

Grief Is Weird

Posting this because my brain won't let go and I need a break. But I talked about it yesterday in therapy about the way I've suddenly begun grieving. One of the biggest questions for me that's still unanswered is "why now?" I started being SA'd approximately 17 years ago, starting with being groped and having my body talked about sexually by my neighbor and brother and describing ways they wanted to SA me. The first memory that came back to me was my neighbor's cousin sexually exposing himself t
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Processing

Angel In A Box

Today was emotionally a hurricane for me. Everything seemed to remind me of my brother and everything about my brother reminded me of him touching me and every reminder of him touching me just brought the snickering sound of my mom laughing his abuse off and defending him. I struggled with the fact that she didn't get me a single present because she doesn't love me. It all set in how much of a lie my life had been. Staring at the forgotten remains of the childhood I thought I had all day broke m
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Processing

Never Stood A Chance

This isn't really a recovered memory but just something that occurred to me. At one point I was trying to see how much I could remember of my early childhood. A lot of it seems murky. I just was curious... I had no intention to reopen old wounds. Then I realized that around the age of 3, maybe early into 4, I had exactly one memory that's still somewhat intact. It reaffirmed to me, crystal clear, that there just wasn't love where I thought there was.  I remembered being absolutely terrified
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Processing

God, Please Just Let Me Cry.

That title is not an interjection or hyperbole. I found myself literally asking God to just please, please let me weep or cry or something from all of...this. I cannot do it, I have not allowed previous trauma to cause me to cry for a long time unless I am actively and severely triggered by something. But I feel so much like a fraud of a victim or survivor or whatever we're going to call it because I have not managed to shed a tear. I sat there welling up with tears multiple times the past few m
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Processing

Debugging My Own Brain

Sometimes I pour over my own thoughts realizing just how warped my brain is. To whatever extent my own self awareness allows me to see it anyway. I have reflected so much on those external affirmations that it really was not my fault. That I was just a child doing what I thought would get the harassment to stop. As much as I appreciate hearing that type of reassurance, it kind of only gets at half the problem, and that's not anyone's fault really. It's one thing to hear it and feel less guilty,
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Processing

Learning to Allow Myself Affection

I understand that to some this concept can come across as pretentious or like a non-issue...so I ask that if you read this, you're willing to hear me out on why I don't view it as such in my case. It has been a painful road to navigate trying to understand my assault and why my assaulter chose to do it to me. I'll likely never know his reasoning. Unfortunately, in this situation, your brain can take it upon itself to start filling in the gaps before you even realize it. At least for me anyway. N
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Processing

I'd Give Anything to Be Able to Trust Someone.

TW: Assault and coercion will be mentioned, but not detailed. More context can be found in my thread in Sharing Your Story if you'd like to read it. One of the biggest things I've struggled with is realizing how much I was betrayed after I started remembering my assault. Not only that, but how deeply it colored my willingness to trust others without me even realizing it. For the majority of my life that I can remember, I've worried about getting close to people for fear that they will immed
masongator

masongator in Processing

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Processing

Picking Up Some Pieces

See tags for TWs. More context can be found on my post in Share Your Story, but it's not required to understand this. Today, I went to church and prayed for myself privately. It's actually the start of my "weekend" because my days off are Sunday and Monday; figured I'd try to make this week one where I'd try to focus on healing, and this is where I started. Yet I sat in the church, alone in my pew, singing hymns, reading out of the Nicene Creed, and I felt shame underneath it all. Who was I
masongator

masongator in Processing

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