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my story

A blog by lanie in General

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About this blog

here is where i will post stuff regarding my assault as a way to express myself without having to talk to anyone i know

Entries in this blog

rant

im tired

im seeing a psychiatrist soon. i relapsed and my tics are getting worse. i feel like a burden to my roommate. im just tired of feeling this way. i have so many things i want to do i dont have time for this. 
lanie

lanie in rant

1
I am ruining myself

confession (tw)

i need to confess. i am planning on hurting myself tonight, just to see if it still helps me deal. ive been clean almost six years. but in a few days it will have been a year since ive been assaulted. i have all these feelings and i just need some type of release. i just want to see if it will work. im  not okay. i have therapy tomorrow so we will see how that goes. my new meds are having weird effects too. i need to call my doctor. i am hurting and i just wish i could breathe. i feel like the w
lanie

lanie in I am ruining myself

1
rant

my head is not a good place rn (TW-self harm)

46 days. 46 days and it will have been a year since my assault. i am back on campus and for the most part i dont get anxious leaving my room everyday, only sometimes. ive only had a few panic attacks in the past week. i feel like my roommate thinks im all better because i can talk about boys again with out being triggered. she talks about this guy she likes all the time and interrupts my studying bc she is always facetiming him or wants to tell me what he did or how she really wants to slee
lanie

lanie in rant

0
help pls

any advice i guess? im not sure what im looking for

over the weekend i was invited to spend the night with my friend and her 3 guy friends. one of them is gay, another ive known for years and the other is like a stranger. so is the one who is gay but i was nervous around him. i actually had a really good time the whole night and my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. i didnt even think about the fact i was hanging out with three other guys. i am glad i went. i like to think it is progress. but sometimes the most random things still trigger
lanie

lanie in help pls

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journaling

im feeling.....?

i dont know when my last post was. its been a while. lately im feeling angry with the whole world. i am at home now, not at school anymore. my anxiety is awful. its so bad. i don tthink its ever been this bad. but i have figured out more of my sexuality. theres actually a girl i like. i met her on a trip to ireland through my school and she lives a few hours away from me. i am going to stay with her for a weekend. im actually pretty certain she likes me too but i will face that when it comes to
lanie

lanie in journaling

0
rant

im mad at my roommate

last night i ate some edibles with my friends and my roommate has been talking to this guy john for three weeks now and he lives an hour away. hes has been cancelling all their plans tp get together. last night he was free so she asked me of he could come over and spend the night. i have a rough time still being in a room with guys let alone sleeping in the same room. its only happened once and its with my REALLY close guy friend and even then he was across the room. but since i would be high i
lanie

lanie in rant

0
rant

progress???? idk

I may be going out with a guy next weekend? im not sure if i am yet. i want to. he seems like a decent guy and we like the same stuff. it doesn't hurt he has two absolutely adorable dogs. my roommate thinks i should go because she says i need to get out more. I really really want to but i am so nervous. i told him id have to check my work schedule and get back to him but i would definitely like to.  i am doing decently  i guess? i have been eating more, although i try not to think about it.
lanie

lanie in rant

0
?

update on life i guess

let me first start off by saying I DONT WANT TO KILL MYSELF. but recently i have had a fascination with death? i dont know how to explain it. i have been looking up carbon monoxide suicides because i just keep thinking about the way you pretty much just fall asleep. i have thought about relapsing in self harm again but i havent. yeah i miss it but is it worth the hassle of hiding it from my roommate? is that a weird reason to not hurt myself? i also think about death by hanging or how it would f
lanie

lanie in ?

0
journaling

i messed up

i had a few drinks the other night and broke my two week streak. im disappointed in myself. and i can always feel the judgement of my roommate if i take cbd capsules or gummies to sleep. i have therapy for the first time in two years tomorrow and im nervous. lately i have been feeling sick and anxious. like i get so nauseous from being anxious i feel the bile at the back of my throat. i met a girl and she made me realize im into girls but then i found out she went to the frat and knew the guy  w
lanie

lanie in journaling

2
journaling

im dealing with it.

starting next week i am going to therapy every thursday. i havent had a drink and gotten high in two weeks. but its been hard. one of the reasons i stopped getting high is because of my roommate even though i only take edibles, she says it makes her uncomfortable. by i cant sleep and my anxiety tics are back. my body spasms uncontrollably and my face twitches, like im blinking really hard. from an outside point of view i look like im tweaking out. in pictures my eyes look so sad. i barely went t
lanie

lanie in journaling

1
I am ruining myself

im so tired of trying again

I am losing myself again. i thought i was getting better but i am not at all. i havent had any panic attacks lately but i am slipping back into bad habits. i barely eat 400 calories a day, i dont sleep much and when i do its only because i drink alcohol or get high, i am letting my dishes pile up and the same with my laundry, i am snapping at those around me for no reason, i am isolating myself so i dont hurt their feelings but do so in the process, i am getting behind in schoolwork, i want to s
lanie

lanie in I am ruining myself

2
?

its been a while

I lift for winter break early so its been about a month and a half since i have last visited this site. i was stayin gat home for the holidays, four hours away from campus. i am back on campus. i thought i was getting better. i was wrong. i have been fine until last night. my roommate was watching a video of some celebrity reading thirst tweets and it got pretty explicit. i started to have a panic attack. i didn tell my roommate, i just laid in my bed quietly like i was on my phone. when i got d
lanie

lanie in ?

0
progress

progress

i told my om when i went home for thanksgiving break. it was the fourth night i think if me being there. I started crying as soon as i saw her, just absolute complete ugly crying. she didnt react the way i thought she would. she was very quiet and apologized that it had happened to me. she asked if i told my dad yet and i said no and she offered to tell him for me. so she did. he didnt talk to me the rest of the night. i know he doesnt think less of me or blame me but i dont understand why he wo
lanie

lanie in progress

2
journaling

we'll see how this goes

this weekend i am visiting a friend at a college an hour a way from me and one of my guy friends will be there. we will have to sleep on the floor together. i guess it will be a test run and see how i do around guys. i am nervous and scared. the last time i slept next to him he kept rolling over on top of me in his sleep. god knows what ill do if i wake up to that now. 
lanie

lanie in journaling

0
?

i tried

today i went to the counseling center and got waitlisted until the end of the year, possibly even next year. so that was pointless. I went to the dining hall for the first time since it happened. i was paranoid the whole time and i couldn't relax. i was on edge the whole time. i felt like i was on the look out the whole time. i had to leave because i felt sick. i ended up having an anxiety attack when i got back to my room. but i tried. i really did. im trying to make big steps in little time be
lanie

lanie in ?

1
?i

.

i had my first nightmare about him. its been about two weeks so i don't know why they are just starting now. my depression is getting bad again. i haven't showered in two days,i am isolating myself,  i don't eat, i don't sleep, i dont care if i go to class or get a bad grade. i feel numb, like im going through the motions. i thought of hurting myself like i used to but im almost 5 years clean. its so tempting but i know im stronger than that. i feel sick a lot. all my friends keep saying "sorry
lanie

lanie in ?i

3
rant

a letter to him pt 2

fuck you. you ruined me. you broke me and i dont know how to fix it. i was a damn fool to have ever trusted you. you make me feel weak. i hate you. i hate everything about you. i hate myself. i hate that i have to live with a body you touched. how do you live with yourself? do you even know what you did was wrong? are you aware you ruined my entire life? Are you?  how am i supposed to live like this
lanie

lanie in rant

1
?

does the fear ever go away?

every time i leave my dorm building, i cant breathe. I cant really be around anyone. I have cancelled plans with three people this week because i don't have the energy and I dont want to see them. whenever i am walking to class I feel like he is about to pop up behind me or he is following me. when i hear foot steps behind me I will walk out of my way to make sure that whoever is behind me isnt following me. my heart drops when i hear people near me for the sheer fact it could be him.  i keep th
lanie

lanie in ?

2
rant

its so hard

it so hard to be around my friends because they love to talk about boys and it makes me really uncomfortable talking about men. I hate talking about men but at the same time I am still attractive to men and it feels like i am betraying myself, heart, mind, body, and my soul by feeling that. Its so hard to talk to my mom because she constantly tells me to work out but I cant because he  is always at the gym and I cant afford a membership. its so hard to eat because I cant go to the dining hall be
lanie

lanie in rant

0
rant

a letter to him

this is what you know I went to your room willingly I said yes at first I changed my mind I pushed you away you didnt stop i finally left here's what you dont know I cant sleep i cant wear my dads oversized tshirts to bed anymore i cant wear shorts around guys I cant go to the dining hall in fear of seeing you i cant go to the gym because you work out 24/7 i cant breathe when i think of being with someone else ever again i can
lanie

lanie in rant

0
rant

confusion and frustration

Today i was picking up trash with my roommate on our way back to our room from our walk to get me out of bed when this guy who was running stopped by the trash can we were at to put on his shirt while we were throwing away the trash. we kept making eye contact and he was really good looking. my body obviously felt attracted to him but my mind and heart  felt disgusting for being attracted to someone so soon after my assault. I feel like I am betraying myself which I feel is stupid. when i think
lanie

lanie in rant

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