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vents

not out of the woods yet

i'm sorry for taking up this space. i was torn between posting a vent topic so i don't show up as the most recent blog entry, or posting a blog entry so i don't show up as the most recent vent topic. since the difference is basically meaningless, i almost just kept my mouth shut. but i couldn't. i think i'm in an efb. or just coming out of one. it was just a good cry first. well "good" isn't the right word. it was a bad cry. that's how it always starts. the kind where every tear is phy
rabbitprotectsme

rabbitprotectsme in vents

2
vents

raging

I didn't think Lucy could speak through me. To me, sure, but not through me. Today I was proven wrong. On her behalf, I said something really inappropriate in someone else's thread. It was intended as sympathetic, but it was actually really not okay. I wasn't in control enough to catch it at first. Then I did, and I edited it out. If you are that person, I'm sorry if you saw that. I hope you didn't. I think accepting her enough to give her a name has emboldened her, but she's too angry
rabbitprotectsme

rabbitprotectsme in vents

4
vents

Realizing i can't control it.

One of several promises i made to my fight part to try to show her i really care about her was that i'd stop thinking about this stuff. Let it go. Let her and the other two show me whatever they need to at their own pace, and just stop worrying about it in the meantime. And i'm realizing it doesn't work like that. I can't stop thinking about it even if i try. That's how this whole sudden decline in my mental health started and it's not any different now. How it started was, i withdrew
rabbitprotectsme

rabbitprotectsme in vents

5
vents

How could I possibly ever tell him I love him?

Tonight I've been reflecting once again on the fact that I do not have two parts including myself, I have four. (At least. I don't think there are more, but I don't want to make any assumptions.) Only two of them are actually me: little Jaime, who holds the trauma; and big Jaime, the front, the "tower." The other two are people I've absorbed: my mother, who holds self-compassion; and my father, who holds denial, and is the trauma. And I don't know why I never really took the time to think t
rabbitprotectsme

rabbitprotectsme in vents

8
vents

my lies tonight

this is a little mean and pessimistic for the what are your lies topic and also i don't want to show up as the last person who posted in the wellness forum. but: because of my freakout that i deleted (i transferred abuse emotions onto an unrelated subject and prevented myself from safely asking about that subject as a result) this is what's on my mind tonight, and it hurts a lot. edit: woke up and thought i was better. i'm not better. the bad just took time to wake up too. and again with
rabbitprotectsme

rabbitprotectsme in vents

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