rabbitprotectsme

To recap, my exiles are Lucy, the bitter red fight-response one who holds violent penetration; Alice, the sad blue negative-fawn-response one who holds transportation and verbal abuse; and Daisy, the confused yellow positive-fawn-response one who holds grooming. Lucy and Alice are girls I'm pretty sure, but I've now learned Daisy is a boy. I also have a core self, the purple one, separate from my manager ("me," the gray one) but more associated with her than any of the others are. I've been gone for a bit because Daisy has taken over. I don't think he's fronting, but he's shoulder-riding

sweet fuzzie babie i'm glad you have this little angel now. a reminder that you are cared about, and that you are worth loving

i'm sorry for taking up this space. i was torn between posting a vent topic so i don't show up as the most recent blog entry, or posting a blog entry so i don't show up as the most recent vent topic. since the difference is basically meaningless, i almost just kept my mouth shut. but i couldn't. i think i'm in an efb. or just coming out of one. it was just a good cry first. well "good" isn't the right word. it was a bad cry. that's how it always starts. the kind where every tear is physically painful. well no, how it usually starts is the spasms. the involuntary ducking and cove

I'm really glad that you could say this to this part.

@masongator Your strength is absolutely real. And you deserve to be able to believe it.

i want you to know i heard this. Mason i'm so sorry. That is so much grief. I can hear it in every word. And all of that grief is well-justified. What you've been put through... i so wish you never had to know even a fraction of it. I'm blown away by the strength you show at the end. Being the bigger person is one thing, but no one should ever have to have a heart this big. But you do. You're staring straight into the core wound and choosing joy. I hope one day i can know courage like that.

@PlumSundae hey. i know i didn't say it at the time, but thank you for this. sometimes i don't say that because i don't know what else to say with it. but even if i can't articulate how right now, i want you to know this was helpful.

@bart27830 Sitting with you friend. That sounds like a deeply painful thing to have to remember but you're working through it and I'm very proud of you.

this dream was strange. i know i'm a verbal thinker, and all my parts are articulate to various extents, and them literally speaking to me is one of the most common ways i reexperience. but normally nightmares are different, normally nightmares are visual and tactile. but this... i dreamt of a part talking to me. it wasn't any of the ones i thought i knew. i see now. little jaime wasn't secretly three other parts. she was secretly protecting three other parts. when she leapt from the tower and broke open... they came out, yes, but she, too, survived. they hold specific things, but she is

Yes, you're right. Thank you both for reminding me. All I have to do is stay willing to listen, and the rest will come naturally. I keep forgetting that. I wasn't sure it would be enough with Alice, because of the sheer amount of despair she holds--and yet, at least so far, it's worked for her. I didn't think it would be enough with Lucy, because she hated me at first--and yet so far, all she needed was to see it working for Alice. And now I'm struggling to believe it will be enough with Daisy, because she seems to have no desire to be able to trust me or anyone else--because she's lost trust

Thank you @PlumSundae I don't think she grasps this concept. She tried to read your kind words but just checked back out again. I will try to teach their truth to her.

"If she even could hear me, what am I supposed to say? 'I see you, I love you, you're safe now?' What good would that do? She thinks she's happy to be in pain. Like if I said 'I see you...'" "Do you like what you see?" "I love you..." "Aww, I love you too! [lie]" "... You're safe now." "I know that, silly! There's no safer place to be than in his bed, where he's going to violate me again and remind me I'm wanted." Until I finished writing this example of why I can't communicate with her, I didn't even realize I just had. She could hear me. She's been try

This is heartbreaking. Sitting with you and Silas. Thank you for showing him so much compassion. Even though it's been so painful...

@selkiespot Thank you for this... You're right. Thoughts I'm not going to act on don't define me. That's the difference between me and him. Lucy doesn't need to torment the real person. I never want to see the real person again. She only needs to torment my internalization of him, and she can do that as much as she needs to. That is not real violence. That does not make me a violent person. Just because the thoughts are disturbing doesn't mean I have a responsibility to turn away from them. If anything, I have the opposite responsibility: to bear witness. I'm sorry you have parts lik

@PlumSundae I'm still sorry I said that. I still believe it was wrong of me. But it's such a relief to know you took it well. She is very dissociated. I could tell this much pretty clearly already in the fact that she was articulate, but this experience is giving me a whole new kind of insight into just how hard it is not to push her back down. I wrote that reply in your thread, and then edited it, and then edited it again to remove the edit reason, and then vented in a Discord server I go to about feeling like I'd done something wrong, and then deleted it, and then tried again, and then