Today I am trying to center myself on what it is I choose to do. I am taking my time to sit with it, to make plans at my own pace, and to enjoy to experience of going about my day with myself. My kids are with W this week. I'm being kind to myself. I wish I could get through everything that the past month has brought. Perhaps I will in my own time.

Here are my anxieties. I am unemployed and without medical insurance. I know there are some remaining legal issues to get to, although the divorce has been finalized. I still struggle with household management. Soon money will be an issue, but then again, it always has even when I had enough, because I guess we never learned anything about money growing up. I have a curious habit about being bad asking for money that people have promised me, or losing checks before I can cash them. It is a strange Lost Boy attribute. I'm having issues with my fiancé Cole - he can be very empathetic, but he can also be distant. It is true that he was emotionally supportive when I needed him, when I was in the most fragile of states, and he held this position for a significant period of time. He can be very patient and kind, and maybe when the rain passes, he will treat me that way again. I am beginning to reach into my defenses, though, to wean myself off his affection and security his presence brings - I am trying to focus on what that feels like, instead of active preparations. 

But I am taking it slow. I am trying to do a handful of things, some that I want to do, some that I must do, and some, just in a direction that feels productive. 

"Only what is really oneself has the power to heal." Carl Jung said that. Today I am trying to find that which is in me, that which is mine.