The more I keep growing, the less I understand friendships.

These days, I feel like I have to question everyone who's around me. What are their intentions? are they nice people? are they nice people sometimes, and other times not so much? can I trust them In difficult times? or will they abandon me like others have In the past?....are they trying to get something from me? Is It security? entretainment? Is it nostalgia or memories from the past? do I even mean anything to them right now?...

I fail to understand how some people can have "half-friendships" and still find them "genuine", only because they're "useful" In certain situations...and If that's so, Is a friendship only meant to be useful? Is It meant to be both, useful and caring?, do we have to give back something? what If I can't give much?, am I going to be discarded then? If I don't fullfill my task? or whatever I'm supposed to do? what am I supposed to do? shouldn't my presence be enough? why Is the presence of my friends enough for me, but not to them. Is that unfair? or Is It unfair of me to think that way?

If I don't see you months at a time, do I stop meaning something to you? do I need to keep giving something back to have value In your life? or to be remembered In your memory? will I be forgotten for not being able to give enough when I had the chance? Is that all that I am?

But maybe It's okay to lose me so easily because, anyone can be replaced these days. Maybe someone else can be as funny as I was with you, or close enough to make you laugh like you used to. Maybe they're clumsy when they're walking like I am, or maybe they can stay as late as I could while chatting on the phone.

But If they truly are just like me, won't they have the same fate as I did?...to be discarded after they forgot to show up too many times?. So now they must not deserve your love, because it's transactional. And if that's so, then I must recommend you shall not loof for someone like me, because you'll be disappointed. Instead, you will probably be happier with someone who will fulfill your needs at any given time.