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Pouring my heart out to what I've kept buried inside.

Samanthaxo

Entry posted by Samanthaxo in Survival of the sex trade ·

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I was targeted as a minor, I guess I was just an easy target. Broken child, broken family, broken life. I was bullied almost my whole teenage years so of course the first older man that tells me I can make 200$ an hour modeling and I'd travel out of the country, I was ready to just pack and go. Little did I know, I just signed my fate and my life away to sex traffickers.  Imagine this, it took a whole decade for the FBI and homeland security to find and rescue me for my despair of a life I was living. But, ten years is way too long to just fly home to your family and snap back to the way you were when you were 16 years old. I'm forever branded as a hooker or whatever you want to call it.  I can't even go through a full 24 hours without hearing my abusers voice just piercing through my brain and I can never get him out. Now, I have a job but it seems like I am just pretending to be someone I'm not and just keeping up appearances but it's all written all over my face, almost like I'm the main character in the book the scarlet letter that we used to read in school, back then I related to that character as a 13 year old. Little did I know how much I was truly going to relate to the character in my 20's. It seems like no matter how hard I try to be normal or move on from my past, this man will always have a hold on me and I'll always just be the person he turned me into. All humanity and morality stripped away from my soul. I think of how many times I was raped over and over again in the past ten years and it truly just fucking disgusts me and makes me want to just end it all once and for all, but that would mean he would win, if I cant testify against him hell get out and be able to hurt more and more people,

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awi

So glad you are here friend and that you got out.  Please be kind and patient with you.  It is a process.  You will find a place in the world even though it is very different from the one you left ten years ago.  You are worth it and so very valuable.  You will feel safe again and find your special place in the world again.  Little by little.  Each step at a time.  Know that you are not alone. This is doable.  Not feeling or feeling detached is very normal. Your sense of trust and place in the world was shattered.  It can be built again to something new.  I realized I couldn't rescue the past and had to move forward right through it all building something new.  The shame and the blame are on the perpetrators.  Today I feel no shame nor blame and you will too. Nothing bad that happened was your fault.  Know that you are not alone.  

Keeping you company during this part of your journey

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Samanthaxo
10 hours ago, awi said:

So glad you are here friend and that you got out.  Please be kind and patient with you.  It is a process.  You will find a place in the world even though it is very different from the one you left ten years ago.  You are worth it and so very valuable.  You will feel safe again and find your special place in the world again.  Little by little.  Each step at a time.  Know that you are not alone. This is doable.  Not feeling or feeling detached is very normal. Your sense of trust and place in the world was shattered.  It can be built again to something new.  I realized I couldn't rescue the past and had to move forward right through it all building something new.  The shame and the blame are on the perpetrators.  Today I feel no shame nor blame and you will too. Nothing bad that happened was your fault.  Know that you are not alone.  

Keeping you company during this part of your journey

Wow thank you so much for this message and words to me :) I honestly only escaped in January, so I was confined to this horrible life since I was 16 and I'll be 28 next month. It's just crazy to think about, but yes I'm sure it will progressively get better, I start therapy again finally on Wednesday and hopefully that goes well.

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awi
12 hours ago, Samanthaxo said:

Wow thank you so much for this message and words to me :) I honestly only escaped in January, so I was confined to this horrible life since I was 16 and I'll be 28 next month. It's just crazy to think about, but yes I'm sure it will progressively get better, I start therapy again finally on Wednesday and hopefully that goes well.

So glad you are starting therapy.  It really does help.  I have found even the times it wasn't a perfect match.  It was time invested in me and it always did help to take time out to sort things out and have a person dedicated to help me achieve my goals towards healing. You got out very recently.  You are incredibly strong and amazing.  We can feel we will never laugh and have fun or even be silly again.  You will have all those things in an older you.  28 is young and a fantastic age.  It is when we start learning what you want and our place in the world. 

I am glad you are here dear Sam.  Sitting with you

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Samanthaxo
10 hours ago, awi said:

So glad you are starting therapy.  It really does help.  I have found even the times it wasn't a perfect match.  It was time invested in me and it always did help to take time out to sort things out and have a person dedicated to help me achieve my goals towards healing. You got out very recently.  You are incredibly strong and amazing.  We can feel we will never laugh and have fun or even be silly again.  You will have all those things in an older you.  28 is young and a fantastic age.  It is when we start learning what you want and our place in the world. 

I am glad you are here dear Sam.  Sitting with you

Thank you again <3

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