AKB

I'm with you on being ready for 2019 to be over. I was so OVER it months ago and yet it just kept lingering on. So, I too am slamming the door on the sh!t year that was 2019 and heading into 2020 with hope.

One year ago I was driving across country alone with Miss Sasha. We had just left the East Coast on a Saturday with M driving and on Sunday I dropped him off in Kansas City to fly on so he could start work the next day. Sasha and I would continue onwards from Kansas City, Missouri into Hays, Kansas where we stopped for the night. So, that day I ended up driving 4.5 more hours after dropping off M at 2:00 p.m. This would be my first night of staying by myself and having to unload all of the stuff from the car and then reload it the next morning. All went fine and after a quick dinner Sasha and I settled in for the night. We both slept ok and this was her 2nd night of hotel staying on our way across country. We woke up pretty early as we were still on East Coast time and I had (conveniently) forgotten that we would gain another hour that next day as we drove across another time zone. That Monday's drive would actually be my longest day on my own as we drove 1/3 of the way across Kansas, up through Colorado, cut across the lower corner of Wyoming, and went all the way to Salt Lake City, Utah. It was 850 miles of the 2,975 total and after a stop for lunch in Fort Collins (north of Denver) it was a lot of mountain driving. At least though there wasn't a lot of traffic so I was able to use cruise control a lot which in the mountains actually means that you can let the car do the braking downhill for you and can concentrate on the steering part more. It was a challenging day as I got up early, was alone and Sasha decided that she needed to meyowl for 30 minutes of the drive. Turns out all she needed was petting reassurance that I wasn't going to leave her somewhere that I was still there even if I was now the one doing the driving. This was also the day when I stopped at a random gas station in Wyoming in the middle of nowhere and felt very uncomfortable. A bus had just left so when I walked into the gas station to use the restroom and get some sugary snacks I thought all would be ok. It was ok however the game warden with his gun and all the good ol' boys hanging around in their camo clothes were giving me the creeps. Luckily I was able to take care of business and be on my way pretty quickly. This was also the day I had to decide whether I would take a small detour to head northward in Wyoming to see the Grand Tetons (my favorite mountains). Given my concern about keeping Sasha on the road for longer than necessary and that the moving van would arrive on Thursday it turned out that I didn't have the time to see the Tetons this time. The final challenge of the day was as I was arriving into Salt Lake City where you essentially come down out of the mountains down into the city at rush hour and people do not slow down for twisty, mountainous roads! I did eventually make it to the hotel on the west side of SLC and all was fine. Sasha was able to settle down in her 3rd hotel that night. I was able to rest up for the next day's leg of the journey. On Tuesday I started out with plans to drive on to Reno, NV to leave the final leg for Wednesday. That morning though I reached out to my cousin to see if he was around that night as he lives about an hour south of Reno. He insisted that I shouldn't stay in Reno but rather should stay with him in his town however with the cat I didn't want her to meyowl and I knew that he had a dog. Instead I ended up at a local hotel in his town which worked out better for all concerned. I was then able to meet up with him, his wife, and one of their kids for dinner that night as it was only 8 hours of driving or 560 miles that day. I felt very accomplished and that I was almost at the end of my journey as by then Sasha and I had traveled 2,700 miles through 14 states since leaving early Saturday morning. Wednesday was the final day and I only had 216 miles to go to get to our new town in California. However those last 216 miles started from a valley on the western edge of Nevada going over the Sierra Nevada mountains to get to the San Francisco Bay. The Sierra Nevadas are 13-14,000 feet in height and the road was a 2 lane winding, twisting mountain road that then fed into valleys, multi-lane freeways, and finally one big last bridge over the Bay (not the Golden Gate or Bay Bridge). The last 216 miles took 4 hours so I arrived at lunch time, stopped at M's office to pick up the keys to our new place and by early afternoon I was officially here. It's now been a full year since we got here. And we've already moved once but that's a story for another blog (maybe). I am still finding my way here. It doesn't feel like home yet. M's job has been good for him so far. I've been trying to find my place here. I will keep trying to find my people here. I have found my hair people and my nail people. I've tried a couple gyms here but haven't found my people yet. The weather is almost always perfect here yet there's still complaining (go figure). The hiking is phenomenal and getting outside everyday is a must do. Maybe putting this out there to talk about will help me and others too. One of the people I know out here told me that it took her 3 years to get settled here so maybe I'm only 1/3 of the way there now. We shall see. I will keep trying.

Totally get it and you re: your mom. The past 1.5 years I haven't been "talking" to my parents have been a godsend for my healing. Not having to pretend that everything's A-Ok with my mom especially has been so freeing. She too wants it all to be about her & I played that game for 40 some years. No more. Yes there's guilt and yes many people don't understand. Just showing up and putting on a show for everyone else doesn't mean that there wasn't abuse happening, whether emotional or physical. I've always been called "too sensitive" also and it's a really heavy burden. Good on you for doing what works for you. Sending you safe hugs, if ok.

The way I like to think of it is as a transformation after a period of cocooning - like a butterfly. The caterpillar goes into their pupa and all of this miraculous stuff happens where they are no longer a caterpillar but they transform into a butterfly. And maybe some pieces of the caterpillar are still there they're just different now as the wings emerge and after time spent in the sun drying and curing their wings the butterfly is truly ready to fly. Sending you big hugs, friend! And a swift punch to the throat for Oompa that she won't see coming because no one thinks someone that looks kind like me can hit people.

Sitting with you as you wait to hear. I'm sorry that this is happening to you (again). The waiting for results is never an easy thing. Since there has been a holiday earlier this week perhaps that has delayed the results? Have you contacted the Dr's office to follow-up? It often amazes me how truly thoughtless the medical establishment can be here sometimes when there is a question of further ailments. Sending you healing and positive thoughts for a healthy outcome.

I heard James Hollis speak at the Conference I went to recently and this quote exemplifies what he was talking about to us. “How different the world would be if each parent could say to the child: “Who you are is terrific, all you are meant to be. And who you are, as you are, is loved by all of us. You have a source within, which is the soul, and it will express itself to you through what we call desire. Always respect the well-being of the other, but live your own journey, serve that desire, risk being that which wishes to enter the world through you, and you will always have our love, even if your path takes you away from us.” Such persons would then have a powerful tool to enable them to change their lives when it was not working out for them. Such persons would be able to make difficult decisions, mindful always of the impact on others, but also determined to live the life intended by the gods who brought us here.” ― James Hollis After hearing this I felt as though he had been somehow listening in on my recent sessions with my therapist. If only my all of our parents could be like this. I'm so pleased to know that you have made the conscious choice to NOT parent like your Mother. I knew that I didn't have it within me to break that sort of pattern nor did I have the energy to do so which was one of the reasons I chose and continue to choose not to have children. And I'm completely ok with that choice. I do sometimes pine for the loving, easy ways of relating with family that social media portrays that other people have with their family. It's so instinctual to want to belong like that and so incredibly painful when our own experiences aren't like that. I'm so glad though that we have our AS family as a loving surrogate family to somehow make up for what we may not have with our own family of origin.

Wow. Just wow. When I thought Oompa couldn't get anymore narcissistic she manages to top, even herself! I would've struggled mightily to not knock the shaking wooden spoon outta her claw-like grasp! That's truly unfortunate that your stepfather is a mumbler and that there wasn't another person around to hear what he was saying that cause so much agita in Oompa. Glad you could process this here and here's hoping all else is going well for you with school prep.

Hello and Welcome to AS @Serenity165! You are not alone and have found a supportive community. I wish you lots of courage as you walk your healing journey.

Hi and Welcome to AS @Zazka!

Hi and Welcome to AS @PhoenixRoxanne! I love the name and can relate to the phoenix legend.

Hi and Welcome to AS @KeLLe!

Hi and welcome to AS @sybilscrush! It is a great thing that you are here to support your survivor. Take good care of yourself too.

Hi and Welcome to AS @Rosebud93! I am sorry for the trauma that has brought you here to us. You have found a safe and supportive community here. Take your time to look around and find support. I will send you a private message (PM) about your question and thoughts on how to receive supportive replies in a different forum as this forum is public vs. private like some of the other forums. We are all here to help you find your way. I wish you lots of courage as you walk your healing journey! Kind regards, AKB