AKB

I am right there with you in fearing for her. I try my best to look for the other allies though stepping up to speak out on her behalf and rally around her courage. The other side of vitriol does seem a bit louder though. For me it brings up all of the feelings I had when I actually went to the police to report. I was not believed. I was blamed because I had been drinking. One of my "friends" told the police that "he" would never drug someone. It absolutely kills me that she is being inspected underneath a microscope. I can't imagine how she must feel and the fact that she is being threatened with death and worse. It absolutely makes me sick. However, she is truly courageous and I am so thankful to her for standing up to speak her truth. I believe her. I support her. I applaud her for walking through fire for all of us! The "regular" people that have not experienced this sort of trauma have no idea what it costs us. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. We stand together.

Love this, friend! I'm runner D: Wears a throw away long sleeve t-shirt, purple sports bra, and fluttery green patterned running shorts. Starts and finishes the marathon within 5 months of big trauma at 24. Then does everything possible to run away from the race and all that it represents for 20 years. Finally, realizes that she must start again but not necessarily at the beginning because I had already done the first 8 miles or so back 20 years ago. Now I've been working really hard at the middle point of the race from mile 9 to mile 20 where you usually hit the wall of exhaustion in a marathon. And then I recognize that I need to slow down or take an extended water break or stop in to visit the lovely port-a-potties. As you know, I did actually run a marathon as a part of my healing journey back 20 years ago thinking that would be it and I could tuck everything neatly away and move on as if I was still the same person - that running for 26.2 miles would be all the healing I really needed. I suppose it worked for a time but denying that it was no longer there didn't really serve me very well. I guess maybe I'm destined to be an ultramarathoner and 26.2 miles just wasn't quite enough. Maybe I just really wanted to be runner A but it wasn't who I really am. So, now I'm finding out my race is more like an ultramarathon of 50 miles. So perhaps I'm over halfway now?

Here's to #50 @Capulet! I was imagining my Grandma's house as you described hers. It's not just you about having everything be completely dark in order to sleep. We have 3 doors that must be shut in our bedroom - one to the closet, one to the bathroom, and the one to the rest of the house. They all must be shut to keep out any excess light and to keep the cat out of our bedroom. Luckily they are round doorknobs and she's 15 so no chance she'll figure out how to open them now. And the cable light must be covered. The only light I allow is the salt lamp on very, very, very low. Luckily the hubs knows and loves my kind of cray-cray so he humors me. And I have no earthly idea why this is how it must be to sleep. When we've lived in places with mini-blinds I must put up the black-out curtains to block all the light. Shrugs. And of course, big hugs.

When I had my kit done 20 years ago it was two days afterwards so I wasn't wearing the exact clothing however I did bring both my bra & panties with me. These were put into the kit. As others have said before having clean, comfortable, non-sexy underwear would be a great thing. After undergoing all that's involved with the exam a survivor doesn't have the capacity to think much beyond just trying to get through each moment. The hoodie idea is a great thing too which can give a sense of being less visible. AND sunglasses! If you're in a hot weather environment I would guess that it's likely to be sunny a lot of the time? What better way to be able to shield any residual fear than being behind sunglasses. Finally, drawstrings would be helpful too for the pants so they can be adjusted accordingly. And as others have said - neutral colors and not super high quality as these will never be worn again. Ever.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that you've been holding in this secret for so long. Sending healing thoughts and safe hugs if ok.

@cirrus welcome. I'm sure one of the mods will also reply to this post. As far as telling your story - there is a My Story section that opens after you've posted or responded at least 10 times. I'm fairly new here too so that section opened for me within the past month or so. I've spent some time here looking around and just getting myself acquainted with where things are for a while first before posting my story. There are lots of threads available for a lot of other things before the My Story opens up. Also, as you've already seen above if your story is triggering then be sure to tag it with tw or trigger warning so folks know to take care when clicking!