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Well guys, I've been away for quite some time! During that time I've learned a few things about myself and life (to say the least!)
How do I feel coming back? I feel a lump in my heart. I remember the sadness and pain I was in when I wrote my blogs, and the help and camaraderie that you all offered.
It was very dark. I remember feeling nothing would or could get better. I remember the loneliness I always felt in the world. I remember not being able to even write the letter I in capital
Where do I even start? More of a... oh boy... can I do this, or even start talking about it? Uhm, okay, I'm doing this... I guess. Wish me luck!! 😬
When I was 7 years old, I lived in Texas (TX, USA) with my family (mother, her bf, sister, and soon-to-be born brother - son of her bf).
Referenced name for all of them:
Mother - mom
Sister - PJ
Mom's Ex-husband (bf at the time in TX) - G
Brother - I won't be talking about him at all, so I'll leave his
A little bit about myself & important dates:
~I am 18 years old (born March, 2003).
~My first time being sexually abused was when I was 7 and that abuse continued for 2 years till I was 9. (first abuse)
~I was sexually abused at 11 years old. (second abuse)
~I was very traumatized and forgot everything of my first abuse up till my memories were triggered at 12 years old.
~I was sexually abused at 12 years old. (third abuse)
~My family found out about the first a
People keep telling me that I was in the right to report something (they know what it is). Some of them say that I did what was best for my friend. While the others say that my choices were these: A) I report and she's angry and everything is ruined or B) I don't report it and she commits suicide.
Not long after I reported everything and she found out, she said that she never would have committed suicide. She said she was afraid of death.
Although, all those times she talked to me
Been a while... I've recently recalled something that I find nagging at me constantly.
How can something you love SO much, suddenly be something you hate and despise the most? It's very irritating.
*Possible Trigger*
Well, one day, I had to go to a hotel and while there, I made a phone call to the abuser. Such a wise choice, huh? The social worker and my therapist were SO hesitant about me doing it, but the detective said it might help. Maybe the abuser will confess, right?
"It gets better."
A phrase I'm sure we've all scoffed at at one time or another. Something none of us thought we could achieve; "better."
The thing that bothered me about it, though, wasn't that I never believed things could get better-- it's that I never believed "better" was going to be good enough. How much better could things possibly get? A few years ago, everything felt hopeless. I didn't see any point in living every day, I didn't know what I was living for. I didn't feel like
Friends, family,
Maybe a bf for me.
Anyone I like or am close to,
I'm naive and can't breathe.
When they ask me to do something,
I do it without thought.
Whatever makes them happy,
Is all that really counts.
Pic, or a selfie,
Maybe audio or a snap.
Everytime I try to say no,
To them, it's a bunch of crap.
They say they aren't unhappy,
When I say no to them.
Yet, the look on their face,
Shows their p
I keep trying to deal with her death and it is a struggle. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago to yry and prevent some severe depression. I have had 2 sessions and I cant say it is helping or not. The time until her services was horrible including the day she passed. The time sense is a fog.
I spend much of my day trying to ignore that she isnt here any more. The rest is spent thinking of her. My home phone we never use so I havent checked the voicemail in years. I was going through it
I find myself obsessed with a lot of things. With blood, with hurt, with the thin lines of pain streaming across my body. But with you? No. I am not obsessed.
Even though I can't breathe when you're not around and the sun doesn't shine as bright when you're gone. The birds don't sing and my heart feels heavy in your absence. Music doesn't make sense and words don't rhyme, the sky isn't blue and my heart isn't mine when you're not here. Obsessed? No. I am not obsessed.
My brain thinks
***The following post has a trigger warning for self harm. Though based on factual events, I am currently 75 days clean from self harm. Please take caution when reading this as it is very graphic and detailed.***
One cut.
It's not that deep. The sting is there, the blood trickles, the metal gleams in the light. I think to myself, 'what have I done?', but it's too late to go back now. I press on.
The second cut is a bit deeper.
There's more blood this time. It bubble
Fucking pissed,
Losing my mind.
I'm definitely gonna cut,
It's happening tonight.
Gonna cut and bleed,
Just as I cry.
Tearline, bloodline,
Watch it all drip away.
Feel the pain,
Feel the burn.
This is real,
And it hurts.
I don't care,
Cut away.
The pain is bad,
Drives me to cut deeper.
No regret,
I'm fucking done.
Cut so deep,
I can't remember.
Is there a vein?
Hey, how are you doing today?
I hope things are well, and things are okay.
I hope you see a future as bright as you,
Never look down, you must do what you do.
Be strong, be tough,
I know you have it in you.
Let's make them proud,
And show them what we can all do.
Give it our hardest,
To pass this test.
Though the most important thing is,
Try your best!
Do all you can,
Stand up real tall.
Show the world,
Because a really great friend sent me something to lift my spirits today and it helped, I think I should list the positives for the day (no matter how small)
I laughed today - I genuinely laughed and smiled. I dont even remember what for (probably a silly TikTok) but I did it and that is what matters.
No tears today - It hurts and I miss her still but I didnt cry and that is ok. It doesnt mean I dont miss her any more or less than the day before or that I have forgotten her.
I wa
Her husband seems to want to erase her from his life quickly. I just dont understand it. I know everyone grieves in their own way but he seems to want to erase every trace of her after her services. I am trying to hold on to every memory I can. Most of the time I am trying to keep her alive. Her things, I want them. Her pictures, I want them. Her things, I want them as she left them. At least let me accept that she is gone first.
So Sunday I am going to pack up her things. I am going to pa
I hate to admit it but i am struggling. The days between my mom's death and burial of her ashes were manageable. There was something to do each day. Now that is done, I find it harder to cope. I feel like I failed her on the last thing she asked of me. Daily I think of reasons to call her and each time is followed by she cant answer. I wanted to call her to share that her first great grandchild was born but I couldnt. He was born the night of her viewing. 12 hours before we were to put her ashe
It's official,
She's gone away.
Blocked my account,
Can't see my name.
She left the doc,
Both of them.
Can't see her pic,
Cause she's gone for good.
Lost all her friends,
She blocked them too.
Even my close friend,
Now she's fucking confused.
Texting me like crazy,
I'm going out of my mind.
Blaming me for what happened,
But said she's on my side?
Said it's alright,
She said it's all f
This one isn't a poem today, unfortunately. I think it'd make things easier for me if it was, heh. Although, today, I'm just going to talk about something. More of a "someone." This "someone" is my mother's bf. I'll say, "Mark." Now, technically, I wouldn't consider Mark much of my mom's bf. More of less, six years ago when I was 12 years old, my family needed to move out immediately and so she found Mark online who was looking for a roommate. Well, he came with a few cons. More like, a
My head,
The pain.
My chest,
The strain.
My eyes,
The game.
My thoughts,
The drain.
There,
What's that sound?
Here,
I wanna drown.
Thoughts,
Just wanna play.
Games,
Gonna stay.
Memories,
Through the day.
Punishment,
You must pay.
Words,
They're gonna say.
Things,
Once made.
Sounds,
Not
The picture above,
Is made from someone I know.
She was an artist and a singer,
She had a very special glow.
Me not cutting for a long time,
Was all thanks to her.
She helped me through so much,
And I promised to be with her forever.
I swore to be by her side,
I swore it'll all be alright.
Look at the disappointment that lies,
I'm the cause of all those ties.
Now she's gone,
My dearest friend.
Was a siste
I've done some things,
Hard to explain.
All the complications,
All the frustrations.
I was in the right,
I did the right thing.
But my head is stubborn,
Not very accepting.
Now all the confusion,
My head is hurting.
I want to cut and cry,
But I can't do any harming.
I'm stuck on these words,
Of all the people around me.
Different opinions,
I don't know what to think now.
Getting me
I have 4 days until my mother's services and every day is like a rollercoaster. It doesnt take but a small thing to send me ready to cry like a big baby. I know that grief is a process but I dont know that I fully expected this. The closer it gets the more irritated and annoyed I get by just about everyone and every thing. Sad part is i feel like I am in a battle between supporting her husband and her siblings on what they want/expect. They are not that fond of him because he doesnt really toler
TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEATH/GRIEF
My mother is gone and it is so hard to believe that right now. She went peacefully with her kids and husband by her side. We held on to the hope that additional treatment would give her time to heal her body but when we saw her in person, we realized that the only thing that was keeping her here were the machines that were breathing for her. I have so many conflicting emotions about that and a lot of guilt about how I handled the situation from
I know they always talk about how important it is to have a support system.
I don't have that.
I can't talk to my mom because she doesn't know, my husband doesn't want to talk about it, my best friend has her own stuff going on and I respect that, and my therapist--who is great, when we meet--cancels a lot and is always late.
All I have is me. And it is really really lonely.
