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What do I do?

So I’ve spent the weekend going crazy with my thoughts and my fears and everything in between.   If you read my last blog it’s been a a rough week with many emotions but I know it’s far from over.  I still haven’t made a decision on whether I want to see the man who raped me for years.  Part of me wants to and part of me is terrified.  But having time to think about it has led to another question. Most of my childhood I can’t remember.  I know that when you go threw trauma a natural def

Mae72700

Mae72700

 

Talking to the devil

Im not a perfect person, in fact I am far from.  There are so many powerful stories here and its amazing to feel like I'm not alone.  Yet, the events of the past week make me feel more alone than ever.  I have slowly discovered that I am a horrible victim and does that make me not a victim? I wish I knew. I grew up with the man who would later molest me for years.  He was my brothers best friend.  He was family.  He spent every night at our house, he went on every family vacation, every fam

Mae72700

Mae72700

 

Aftermath

I managed to put it behind me, or so I thought, in time for my A-Level exams. After the two months of exams, it hit me like a truck about what happened. I hadn't forgotten, it kept me up at night. I would randomly wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I thought that, if I move to a new city for university, I wouldn't feel so scared, so afraid of people. So, I accepted my place at a university. I had to move into a house with two guys and three other girls.  I thought I could

New Uni Student

New Uni Student

 

September 2019

What a month! I've gotten swamped with work, community theater has my evenings kept busy, and I've been helping out at the local animal shelter. All of which has left me busy beyond belief, exhausted, and struggling to just function. Forget gettting further on my healing journey. I also won't be able to see my therapist for another 2 weeks. So that's not so fun. About a week and a half ago I relasped into my self injury momentarily. I had a terrrible nightmare and lizard brain kicked in to

rakit

rakit

 

It's Been a Year Since We Moved 2,975 Miles

One year ago I was driving across country alone with Miss Sasha. We had just left the East Coast on a Saturday with M driving and on Sunday I dropped him off in Kansas City to fly on so he could start work the next day. Sasha and I would continue onwards from Kansas City, Missouri into Hays, Kansas where we stopped for the night. So, that day I ended up driving 4.5 more hours after dropping off M at 2:00 p.m. This would be my first night of staying by myself and having to unload all of the stuff

AKB

AKB

 

Corndogs and Fried Pies

Hello, friends. Welcome to my Wednesday catch up session! I guess it’s been about a week since my last blog entry. I have been struggling the past couple of days, but I am feeling much better right now. Progress, right? This weekend was INSANE for me! I was crazy busy Thursday through Sunday and am just now finally starting to feel like I can relax. I suppose I did some relaxing on Saturday, but I made a dumb decision and decided to watch the new show Unbelievable on Netflix. In my def

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Am I Not Good Enough?

So I finally decided to stop pushing off making a counseling appointment yesterday.  I was going to get the free counseling for students they offer for everyone.  Well  I called yesterday and they said I would have to wait until the office manager called me today to sort things out, which I found annoying but I could live with.  Well this morning before my classes, I saw I had a missed call and voicemail from an unknown number.  The message was telling me that they didn't have room for them to t

elaina

elaina

 

The Beginning

April 2019; it was close to my A-Level exams so I was already stressed. I was already suffering from depression, for about 5 years at that point. I was walking home from work, it was a Saturday evening and I live near quite a few pubs so there were lots of people drinking and standing outside. I’m used to getting harassed by drunk guys who stand outside the pubs but they’ve never done anything. This time was different.  This was the last pub I had to go past before I would be on my street;

New Uni Student

New Uni Student

 

Better late than never!

Hi, everyone!! Hoping you're all doing well.  I know my updates are getting more rare, and for that, I do apologize.   I'm really trying to get back into my writing habits, but it seems I've been experiencing some cloudiness.  More on that as we continue. I'm hanging in there, though, as best as I can.   School is in full swing, now.  We're now in our third week.  I've just received this morning the date of my first midterm...yep, you read correctly - we're ALREADY getting ready f

Capulet

Capulet

 

The Closet

This post contains graphic details of sexual assault. Please take caution reading ahead.    Well, happy Tuesday, everyone! I’ve gotten over the idea of posting once a week and always posting on the same day. While in theory that was a good idea, my life demands my attention to other things and sometimes I need to write about the stuff that I just can’t get out of my head. Today is one of those days. My mind is swimming in thoughts and ideas and memories and until I get them out on

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Step I/Question X: Do you nurture yourself and reach out for support?

I do try to nurture myself.  I have my hobbies that I am starting to get back into.  I exercise and try to eat healthy.  I try to do things for myself.  Always looking for ways to better myself, which I feel is a form of nurture - to nurture those things that make me, me.   Reaching out for support would be a NO.  I attend SIA - 12 step meeting for Survivors of Incest.  I get to hear other survivors struggles and hope and I get to share...when I can bring myself to.  And I go to premarital

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Step I/Question IX: Are you in touch with your feelings now?

Am I in touch with my feelings now?  Definitely not.  This is one of the biggest issues with my abuse.  As I've mentioned, I don't struggle with flashbacks, etc.  My struggle is my disassociation with myself and those closest with me. Which is because I am not in touch with my feelings.  I feel like I go through life emotionally flatlining.  I'm not in touch with my anger, which I feel is a good thing, but I am also not in touch with my happiness.  I have so much in my life to be excited about,

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Puzzle Pieces

This post contains very graphic references to sexual abuse. I ask that you would not read ahead if you are not in the mind to do so. Please proceed with caution.    I know what you’re thinking. ‘Poppy, this isn’t a Friday! Speaking of Friday, where the heck were you this week?’ My apologies to everyone that keeps up with my blog entries weekly or those of you that were looking forward to a post from me. I was taking a small break from AS after some events that transpired an

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Back from my bl-iatus!

Wow. I know I haven't been here in a while.   I wish I could say that my OCD over posting my three installments in order, without a random blog in between that would 'interrupt the flow' was my sole reason for this blog-hiatus (or a 'bl-iatus') but I'd be lying through my fingers. I just haven't been feeling it.  This summer has been a rough one - and I've only shared with a select few, the details that have kept me somewhat absent from my blog.  While I've remained a constant presence here

Capulet

Capulet

 

My Tiny Bowl of Fruit

Ah, at last, another Friday is upon us. I have been anxiously waiting to write this blog, not because I have some grand plan, but just for the simple fact that I have missed writing and sharing with you all. These blog posts may become more frequent than just once per week! The second day will most likely be as much of a surprise to you as it will be to me. I know you’re wondering about today’s topic – I, too, am wondering. I am anticipating this to be more of a word vomit session than

Poppy_

Poppy_

 

Step I/Question VIII: How has the abuse affected how you function sexually? (TW)

Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!! There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation.  A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself.  Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do.  And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Step I/Question VIII: How has the abuse affected how you function sexually? (TW)

Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!! There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation.  A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself.  Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do.  And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Step I/Question VII: How has the abuse affected how you feel about your body?

Step I/Question VII:  How has the abuse affected how you feel about your body? For one, the abuse made me HATE MY BODY.  I will write on this after. For two, the abuse made me HATE ME.  I hated myself so much.  I hated everything about me.  On top of all the sexual abuse, my mom was an alcoholic/drug addict who would beat and abandon my brother and I, until my dad got custody of us when I was 6.  My dad was an alcoholic/drug addict who was physically, mentally and emotionally a

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Revisions Pt. 3

By the time I actively started looking for a counselor, I knew that in all likelihood what he gave me was ketamine. It was the only drug I found that explained the condition I’d been in, and once I figured that out I spoke with a pharmacist, an ER doctor (through the pharmacist), and an addiction treatment center to confirm that I was on the right track. I didn’t even mention ketamine to them when I contacted them. I only described the symptoms, made sure they knew it was in combination with a l

Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

 

Revisions Pt.2

Posted Thursday at 09:14 AM (edited) I had tried to stay awake, I didn’t want the vulnerability of sleep, but I couldn’t manage it. I woke up again after only a few hours, not long after dawn, when normally I sleep like a rock for as long as anyone will let me. Everything came rushing back and I stayed still, trying to make sense of it, trying to decide if any of it had actually happened or not. The whole thing just seemed so unreal, like it just wasn’t possible. That wasn’t like him at all, p

Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

 

Revisions Pt.1

It's important to me to state off the bat that I recently got back in contact with H., we had a very long talk about what happened, and she really didn't know what was going on. I believe her, and her not knowing his intentions explains a lot of her words and actions during all this. Pt. 1 covers what happened, Pt. 2 covers the aftermath and the effects of going into denial, and Pt. 3 covers how I managed to finally find a sense of peace with it all. The whole story covers almost 23 years, so I

Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

 

Step I/Question VI: Do you isolate/how?

Step I/Question VI:  Do you isolate yourself? If yes, how? I don't normally look at it as 'I isolate myself'.  I just happen to spend a lot of time alone/with very limited people.   The only people in my circle are my three children and my fiance.  I don't talk to my family and since ending unhealthy relationships with past friends and my children's family, I haven't made any new friendships.  Now that I am engaged, I do have new people in my life, his adult children, his friends and h

Freyja Lee

Freyja Lee

 

Misconceptions of a Wandering Mind

This post has some references to suicidal thoughts. Please don't read ahead if you're feeling sensitive.  Yikes! Is it already Friday?? This day really snuck up on me this week so this blog, while still being thoughtful and sincere, will be a bit of me just shooting from the hip. I guess it will just be about whatever it is on my mind today. I would like to be able to tell you a funny story seeing as my last two blogs have been SERIOUS downers, but I don’t have any funny stories r

Poppy_

Poppy_

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