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  1. It's just after 1am and I feel wide awake. Trying not to replay all the day, week year events. Looking for better ways to handle situations. Contemplating future situations and all the possible ways to handle them. That's my daily routine...working out all the should haves, would haves and could haves. Things that wont change what's happened. But it cant be stopped. I imagine what my brain would look like if all the thoughts took a physical form. I imagine that it is an organized, cluttered mess lol. Bookcases full of stories from my past. Books scattered and open on the floor and tables with notebooks, notepads and sticky notes with scribbles of thoughts about the stories. Me huddled under a light reading a book I have read millions of times. Notes made on every page. There's no door so there is no way out but I dont feel trapped. Some times I look at the mess and feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I am grateful that it is as neat as it is. 

    So as I think of the last couple of days, I cant help but think of the difference from last week. I feel less overwhelmed and stressed about work. My agents are coming around after what I call my 'come to Jesus' talks. For someone who enjoys written over verbal, these talks are draining for me. The emotional state is in flux. I am avoiding an issue that requires some immediate attention. I avoid it because the embarrassment and shame of addressing it is pretty me. So much so, I fear I will retreat fully in my thoughts and it will be a huge task to get back to the present. Maybe this weekend I can speak on it to resolve it.

    Speaking of the weekend, I am looking forward to it. I will have my youngest nephew and it is a holiday weekend in the US. I still havent determined what activity we will do. There is a fair near us that I think they would enjoy. The outdoor time would do the kids good. It's storm season so the should do it before the seasonnpasses and the 100+° weather makes going outside unbearable. 

    I do need to be careful. This US holiday is to honor our deceased soldiers. That has expanded to cover anyone who is deceased by placing flowers at their grave. 2 of the people who hurt me are deceased and both are military veterans. I have to be cautious of the time I spend at their sites. Yes I could not go to their graves and visit others but I have 7 family members who all have plots next to each other. It is difficult to see 5 and not the other 2. I have avoided going a few years but it has pained me to not give my respect. I dont know. Maybe if I can find someone to go with me it will be easier. 

  2. First I need to apologize for not replying to anyone on the show of support for my last blog entry.  My thoughts were jumbled together and I was unable to really say much. The visit with the surgeon was in short devastating.  His decision to call the transplant coordinator was equally painful.  My tears have now dried and I am no longer thinking of quitting so I can at least write a little now.  The thought of waiting two years is a bit much.  I don't have the energy to wait that long.  I sort of thought that might be the response of the transplant team.   Still I am in the process of processing everything.  I have gone silent IRL and with the exception of the occasional email, I don't really say much of anything.  I hurt a lot right now but it is lessening some.  I am fidgeting a lot more so I am employing my spinners more frequently.  I am debating speaking to my doctor about anxiety meds but I don't know about that just yet.  I have to do more research on it.  I will likely need to find something I am not allergic to as well.  I am finding this process a bit taxing.  I am not going to quit.  I am going to keep swinging for the fences.  

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    Recent Entries

    How can I enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) if I view the act as evil?

    This belief is what has damaged my relationships. 

    I never listen to my heart, only my mind. And my mind tells me it's okay to take the step, to open myself up and go the furthest point. 

    And so I do.

    But then afterwards I hate myself. And I hate my boyfriend. I call him names, I make him feel worthless, I make him feel like a pervert.

    It's just a projection of my feelings toward myself. 

    And then I feel myself recoiling. Hating myself more. Not knowing what to feel or listen to. So I just let my thoughts control me. And I sit there, filled with hate and disgust. 

    And the cycle has begun. My hateful thoughts create hateful actions which makes me hate myself. 



  3. Freshman year. Fall 2012, I was starting a new life and a better one because I was in control with no limits. It was the start of the college season and being a shy person, it was a slow start, never really fitting in was also a hinderance. Finally I had a date set up with a guy on my floor and boy was he adorable. But he never showed...I was humiliated, it didn't help that my last relationship ended with me being broken into pieces, but now this??


    I've always had an internal struggle of trying to tell myself, fool myself into thinking, that I am worth it. I am beautiful. I am smart. But depression started to take me under it's wing after I desperately fought the battle throughout high school, but now I had no one. No one was there.


    I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, drinking, smoking being numb.

    You're thinking I'm crazy to do this all because of a guy, but I wasn't making real friends, and all I wanted was to feel something, and men are what could help me feel something even if it's in short bursts. The touch still helps the ache inside dull for a short while.


    Well I went to a crazy party one night. In a car full of people I just met. I drank. And drank. And drank some more. I started kissing anyone who would kiss me back, I needed contact, and the drunk side of me tried to get any relief from the roaring in my head.


    I set my drink down at some point between smoking and kissing, and then everything goes hazy.


    I'd been talked to about never putting down my drink, but I guess I didn't listen well.


    I'm in the trees. Leaves crunching under foot. Murmurs in the distance. I'm lead like a child away from prying eyes hardly able to walk.


    Next thing I know I'm bent over and someone has pulled down my pants. I feel cool metal on my cheek, and hands roam my skin. I'm unable to do anything, I feel mute, and my body is made of sand. A tear is unleashed and rolls down my cheek. I don't know who he is or what he looks like but I will never forget the noise of those pants hitting leaves. I blackout.


    I wake up in my dorm the next day. I don't know how I got there. I don't even remember the night before. Those few memories have come to me over the course of 3 years. Trying to dig up answers because all I know at the time is that I was found disheveled in the parking lot of the frat lands. I was horribly sick, and I floormate took me back.


    Somehow the sick son of a bit*h found out where I lived and my roommate gave him my number since I wasn't there. For 3 months he continuously called and texted me. I tried blocking him, but he got around it. I felt so exposed and dirty, and I had no face to blame. Just every white male around me. And so I closed in on myself. One day it all just stopped, and I never heard from him again…



    Winter was around the bend and I had peace, I felt like I could move on finally. I couldn't remember enough anyway. So I pushed it in the back of my head. I tried to forget.




    I was sitting by myself eating my salad, if you could call it eating, more like knowing I should and not having the appetite.


    I was approached by a kind man. I was weary but he was new to the country, so I invited him to sit. He told me about italy, and how it was so different from here. I talked about how I had italian family members, though very distant that still lived over in italy. I was feeling myself. Learning about culture. I even agreed to give him my number so we could hang out sometime.


    Innocent, I was so naive…


    He calls a few days later to hang out. He suggests his place since he lived off campus. I agreed. I should have never agreed.


    He picks me up in a black car, we drive down town. His roommates are nice, with the small wave that they offer. I turn for what I guessed was the living room. I'm fed some excuse that the TV was stolen...Oh little girl what were you thinking!!!! I follow into his room. The world twirls and becomes a haze around me, I start to panic but swollen it down. Because I don't want to be crazy...i should have followed my gut and insisted on being in the open space.



    He pulls out his laptop. Lights candles. He doesn't know that I'm not okay with this. It's all too fast I'm not ready. He pulls up a movie gets us drinks, and I'm numb and freezing in my grey zip up. He notices and tries to cuddle. I wiggle out and I'm given a look of disgust. Making me feel like I owe it to him to be held. He goes back to the movie, but still pulls me close to him. I still can't speak.


    The movie ends, why did it end. Why can't I speak. Why did I agree to this.


    He starts to kiss me and pull up my shirt I say no. He stops but continues to kiss me while I move away from him. He makes me feel like his personal w**re with the look in his eyes. What were you expecting he says. And goes back to kissing. He goes to my pants and unbutton them. I shoot up, and he follows, I say no and I'm on my back again. No control. I say no not tonight. He replies with why not. And lists so many reasons. He's my only ride back. I don't want this. I said no.


    I need to get back.


    I want my own bed.


    I wish it was fast.


    I wish I could get the touch of him off me.


    I wish a shower actually would clean me.


    I wish the first time had been enough.


    I wish I was strong enough in my reprieve that no would mean no


    I wish I wasn't weak


    I wish I wasn't broken


    I wish I was worth the effort if flowers and sweet kisses


    I wish gentleness wasn't just in the books I read


    I wish Christmas vacation hadn't started the next day


    I wish he would stop calling



    I was right back to where I had been, and I wish I could get my innocence  back.

    I wish I could eat. I get told by my mother at dinner that I eat less than a three year old. She doesn't see it. The weight I've lost, means I look healthy and great to people at church. My quiet persona is me growing up. No one sees me. No one reaches out. I'm drowning.



    I find a friend and new roommate for next school year, and she listens and helps in her own way. My best friend from high school helps me stop self harming. I'm growing in a way. But I become the w**re that I mind told me I was for the next two years. I messed up many relationships because of it.


    Senior year. I meet a romantic. And I thought I had finally found it, peace and love that I yearned for…


    I was wrong


    Two months in and I had a rough week in life the plan was to come out and visit me. It just happens I needed a friend more so than the romantic partner.


    That wasn't my role


    Sex was expected


    He only came for that reason


    Since I wouldn't do it for him...he took care of himself.


    Right next to me


    On my small bed


    I am nothing. I am not worth a breath. I am unloveable. I am only here for one reason. Romance is not in my future. Love is a fairytale that I'll continue to read, but I stopped putting faith in a long time ago.


    I ate, I stopped caring, I stopped getting looked at. I stopped looking at myself. I hate my body. But I'd rather hate what I look like rather than being looked at by strangers ever again.


    This is my story, only one that explains why I hate myself so thoroughly. I thought being an adult I would have more control, that I could be more than what I faced as a kid. But thinking back, I'd take being a kid without a meal or home over being broken into pieces.

  4. teleah
    Latest Entry

    At ten, my dad had an affair with a coworker and I was the one who told her, because a little witch in class asked what an affair is, so i stupidly asked my mom and all hell broke loose and that night my dad threw my mom into a coffee table and for two days she forgot who I was so a few days later my dad moved out and I foolishly believed the violence was over, maybe I could finally be safe but then the fighting really began, my dad would come over and steal her stuff or break it as I hid in my room and waited for mom to come home to blow up at me for letting him in and threatened she would put me away for good if I let him again, so when he came over and he went in the garage I stood in front of the door, which he got open and he was carrying a pipe wrench from mom's dad and he was swinging it back and forth as he went in the hallway, I met him there and asked him to please go, then he said, it was his house, he could do what he wanted and I asked him again and without a word he dragged me to the bedroom, he slammed down the pipe wrench and told me again he owned everything including me, then he pushed me on the bed and within minutes he was raping me, ripping me, stealing my innocence and my soul in one violent act then he got up to go, he told me to wash the sheets unless I wanted mom to think I was wiping wrong again just like the retard I was, then he went into the bathroom and broke mom's favorite vase then left, When he left I cleaned the sheet as best as I could and picked up the glass, took a bath and got in my pajamas, sat on the couch frozen in shock, until my mom came home and got mad at me for making a mess in the tub, had missed some blood and she was furious I had wiped wrong again so I was sent to my room without supper and so she could call the institution that she told me later would not take me in because I was too retarded, I was ten, ten years old.

  5. I often talk about the negative things that came from my relationship, which are plenty, but today I want to share some positive things I have learned from it. Not that it was a good thing to live through, but some positive stuff came from making this horrible experience. To provide a context I was in a long distance relationship with her for over 6 years, the first year was great while the rest became progressively worse. She never was physically abusive however she was pretty cruel when it comes to the emotional side. As always I welcome comments and love to hear from people who can relate to my experiences.


    1. I learnt that I am a emotional person. Before I met her I was so closed off to everyone. I pushed all my emotions down and got my myself pretty convinced I am just not an emotional kind of person. I was actually quite proud of myself not having all these pesky feelings. I thought I really can't feel sincere love and emotionally connect to anyone. During our first year all of this changed and she really got me to open up. She showed me that I have strong emotions many of these I didn't even think I was capable of. The downside of this is I was so incredibly hurt by her but I still think this is something really amazing that came out of being in this relationship. It let me understand that pushing away feelings doesn't work and set me on a new path in my life.
    2. I realized I don't want to be alone. Before being with her I tried being comfortable with being alone. Not that I enjoyed not having someone to be connected with but I felt it's best this way. Not wanting anyone in my life gave me some form of control, I was invulnerable. If I am okay being alone I never have to be afraid someone I love will leave me which undoubtedly will happen or so I thought at the time. Being with her showed me I am not an island. I want to be with someone, someone who cheer me up when I am down, someone I can share my struggles with, someone who gives me a hug when I need it. The thing I thought was such a weakness in me I now see as something truly amazing.
    3. I learned to recognize abuse. I was sexually abused before which is quite easy to detect. Emotional/verbal abuse however is so hard to see when it happens. It took me years to even consider what she was doing was abusive. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I went day to day feeling miserable without knowing the reason. I tried to fix something I just didn't know what. It took me a while to accept she I am living in an abusive relationship and much more time leaving it. Since then I read quite some stuff about abusive relationships and how abusers think. It helped me seeing the patterns and warning signs of it. This gives me some control over my life back. It's not that I am just a victim anymore that can do nothing about getting abused. I became a survivor who can recognize emotional abuse when he sees it. I realize now that no amount of gentleness or understanding will ever prevent any abuse, it makes it just worse. The only way to stop is to shut up the abuser or leave him/her. Without having made this bad experience I would never thought of learning about this stuff and would have gone from one abusive relationship to another. Now I actually have some hope for living in a healthy relationship.
    4. I need someone who supports me. Before I got together with her I thought wanting others to support me is such a weakness. I was convinced I don't need anyone in my life and can do everything on my own. When I went through a really difficult time I never reached out to anyone but isolated myself until I got over it. I felt so invulnerable and independent. When I met her all of this changed. I actually wanted to share my struggles with her and wanted to have her support. It felt so good to just have someone listen to me. I learned reaching out for support is not a weakness but a strength. Of course it makes me vulnerable to getting hurt, which happened more times than I can count, but in the end it's definitely worth it. I am sure if I wasn't in that relationship I would have never known this.
    5. I realized my CSA had an effect on me. I know I been sexually abused as a child for a long time. However I got to a point where I went back into denial. I thought who knows maybe it didn't happen. Children imagine all kind of crazy stuff and even if it happened it wasn't such a big deal after all it's just sex, right? Wrong it's not just sex it's abuse! I was convinced my CSA had no effect on me at all and I can safely move on without ever thinking about it again. When I was with her it became so clear to me that my CSA didn't only had an effect on me it affected every part of my life. I couldn't get intimate with her let alone having sex. Just the thought of someone touching me made me freeze and left me in utter panic. I noticed that I get the intimacy I need in my life from porn and even got quite addicted to it not that she cared much about it. All those things were there before but they were hidden and my relationship put a spotlight on them. I know now I am far from healed and healing is not something you do once and then forget about it. Healing is a constant struggle with lot of ups and downs.
    6. My friends are not as great as I thought. Before this relationship I thought I have such amazing friends. They never ask personal question and are not interested in my personal life. They don't bother me with their pesky problems and I not them with mine. These surface level friendships just seemed perfect for me. Of course I overlooked I felt alone and miserable most of the time when being with them but that has clearly something to do with me. I mean how can it not be my fault with these amazing emotionally distant friends of mine!? This all changed once I started to move on from my abusive relationship. Once I dared asking my friends to listen to me and support me they didn't really feel that amazing anymore. When I started to learn the patterns of emotional abuse I recognized the same behavior in a much lesser extend in some of my friends. At first I thought that is really some strange coincidences that my friends behave in such similar ways as my ex. It's no wonder that they still are on her side and basically think she may have done some wrong things but in the end it's at least mostly my fault. I mean according to them by letting the abuse happen I was pretty much asking for it. Although it's so painful to see step by step how the people in my life are actually bad for me I see this as a positive thing. It enables me to see who is actually good for my healing and from whom I should better stay away. I am sure without having my ex push me over the edge I would never have noticed that.
    7. I met other survivors on this forum. Before I had this horrible experience I never had nor wanted any contact with survivors. The thought of joining a forum about SA/CSA didn't even cross my mind. Why would I need such a thing anyway since I am all healed now. In fact I avoided other people like me as much as I could because they reminded me of my past. I don't need anyone to remind me what happened I need just to forget about it and everything will be fine. I was so wrong about this. No matter how much tried to deny and forget the SA it was always there and came up in such strange ways. Ironically I joined this forum to become a better boyfriend for my ex so that she can stop treating me so badly. In the end opening up to people here caused me to leave her. Healing can really get you to strange places where you never expected to end up. Without this relationship I never would have thought there is anything wrong and had no motivation to join a site like this. Thanks to her I met so many supportive and amazing people here.
    8. I understand people who been in abusive relationships. Before I got into this relationship I couldn't at all understand why so many women keep going back to their abusive partners. It just didn't make sense to me. I could understand you going back if you don't realize he is abusive or if you are scared to leave but once you are out and know he abused you and will do it again why would someone ever go back into a relationship like this. I really tried to understand this point but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't so I did the next best thing and except it. After I went through something similar I understand it completely. I know for a fact my ex was abusive; I know for a fact she will abuse me again but still I feel drawn back to her. I am so glad she gave up and don't contact me anymore. I don't know where I would be if she were really persistent in getting me back. I cannot explain why I feel this way but I do. Now I can understand why it's so hard to stay away from an abusive partner. I guess you really have to life some things to understand them.

    There are probably more positive things I could come up with but this is enough for now. If I think of anything else I will add it to the list. I spoke quite freely and used some sarcasms in this blog post I hope it makes the reading more fun and nobody gets offended. 

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    So, I haven't been on here in almost 2 weeks, and at first I felt bad but then I realized that not only was I not super active here yet (as I am still a newbie to the site), but I was actually taking care of myself and haven't had time to do much online. I started a new job last week, which was very exciting, and so I've been extremely tired and going to bed a bit early. I also have been dealing with migraines off and on, so I've been extra medicated as I keep having to use my rescue med and rest when I get home from work. Migraines are likely unrelated to work, so no worries there. Sometimes I just get them for no real reason at all.

    Anyways...not much to say at the moment as I am fighting one of those migraines this evening. My plan is to hydrate, medicate, rest and sleep. Hope everyone is doing well, and I am sending as much positivity out to everyone that I can spare. 

    Much love. <3

  6. SociallyAwkward
    Latest Entry

    Almost got in a car accident..... Well even if we collided it wouldn't have been so bad. That would have been bad for the car though.

    Went to the game store to buy a new game then the police station to inquire about the family of weirdos DSS history. No luck. They have no access to those files, but while I was there I double checked to make sure my issue with them has been reported, and I thanked them for a job well done on the murder case of my sisters friend.

    Moms friend and her talked about the situation with Papas death so I got more info on that and that helps put my mind at ease.

    and now my body is acting up and that's the polite version of it. And bro came home pissed off that some hacker tried to steal money and he had to spend another hour at work.

    Mom was so pissed at her husband she wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him yesterday. Things are back to normal again tonight and they are both downstairs watching TV together. He's gonna piss her off again some day soon, if not tomorrow...... He's beyond help.

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    I never knew what I wanted to do for a living. Age 4 I was set up with 'N' and 'E' so that my sister could laugh and pick on me and to make sure I never had a girlfriend. It was done by my Policeman father. I was told that if I didn't do what my sister told me to do I would be made to go to war to be shot and killed. Age 13 I joined the Air Training Corps with a view to joining the Royal Air Force to be a Pilot. I always knew I wasn't bright enough to be a pilot, but I thought I would kid myself anyways. Apparently my CO said that I wasn't bright enough to get into the RAF, I would have to join the Army if I was lucky. I didn't really want to be shot and killed, but that didn't happen either. Aged 15 I was made to leave the ATC. The ATC was the best thing I ever did I really enjoyed it. I as made to leave the ATC to be turned into a 'drugs hole' someone with Bi-Polar Disorder. Aged 16 I was poisoned with LSD. Staying in the ATC would have saved me from drugs and alcohol. Think I will Law Sue the Social Services and Education Department. What is wrong with joining the Army anyway? Don't think I would have passed the medical though.

    To this day I have no idea what I would have done for a living. I haven't got the slightest clue.. My father says that I would have been an homeless alcoholic living under a bridge.

  7. howlieowl
    Latest Entry

    do you believe youre strong? do you believe youre beautiful? dont you believe your smart, intelligent? these are just some questions ive been asked many times. inside i answer with an obvious no. but i tell people, "i guess" or "i dont know". or ill cover it up by pretending to be cocky with "of course"! i dont believe any of it. somewhere along the line in my life my belief in self, people, or anything died. 

    rarely do i remember being told i was beautiful. when i got As, sure i was told i was smart. but getting a B or C, :nonono:. i believed in my birth mother, epic fail. i believed i could tell her anything like she said and/or she would listen, epic fail. i believed she would be there for me like she said, epic fail. i believed so many things she said and did, i became charlie brown trying to kick the football from lucy and every single time watching as the football is snatched away and i fall flat. the worst of it is the lost of belief in self. i cannot for the life of me believe i am beautiful. i can say the words, maybe even find something i like about myself. but, i dont look in the mirror, see myself and believe i am. im grateful when i am told by non-creepy people. it helps with self-confidence to some extent. but, i dont see what they see. 

    overall i get the feeling the abuse has totally ruined my belief in self. the lack of reassurance from one of the most influential figures in a young womans life, a mother, does not set oneself up for success in belief in self. the need for validation is sometimes sought externally instead of KNOWING internally. i wonder do i not believe because it would help me to be less attractive to others. kind of like hiding in plain site. and how does someone believe? ive heard "just say youre beautiful over and over and it will be true". im sorry but wtf. i get it but i dont get it. for example, i can say im smart, i know i am smart because ive seen outcomes not just from exams but finished projects etc. this helps me believe a little bit. but here is the limitation, if its not perfect, i dont believe no matter how many times i say it. so, how does it work? 

    whats even more weird is i believe in others i care about more than myself. i wish, hope, and believe they will have better. are my expectations for myself too low? is this what is preventing me from seeing the beauty that which is Sheena? hell if i know. i DO know currently i believe i will wake up and after little sleep as usual. i believe i will walk through my day with flashbacks on what happened to me all day as usual. do i want to change those, absolutely. every night before i lay my head down, i ask for a peaceful night. one where i dont wake up almost every hour. so far over 20 years and no luck. do i need to stop believing and become more realistic? i dont know. i want to get to that place where i can walk down the street knowing i am the shit because i am beautiful, smart, talented, and just down right awesome. is it attainable, i think so. belief is hard yet i still want to keep trying.

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    I was 13. A few weeks earlier I was casually sipping wine stolen from our parents from water bottles at the playground, pretending to be drunker than we were with my friends. It was the beginning of summer. I didn't even have my period on a steady cycle yet. I had my first "kiss" (if you could call it that) maybe a month or two earlier, still in disbelief that chapter of my life had happened. My dad had re-married, moved to a different town and bought a house. Split custody would start soon and I think subconsciously I felt a little abandoned by his new life. 

    an older boy moved to our town from Arizona. He was tall, tan, carefree. All the girls my age talked about him and how he worked at Wendy's. They wanted to go get food to see him. I went along. Fast forward a little bit...he took interest in me (These assholes really do know how to weed out the vulnerable ones, right?) I didn't have an interested initially, but was more than flattered this cool, new, older boy liked me. We began to hang out...he his friend and myself and my friend. The few weeks we spent that summer were a blur. Nights of getting way too drunk as he started to bring liquor my friends and I did not know how to handle around, giggling and kissing as my friend started to make out with his friend, having him lean me up against a parked car to kiss and acknowledge how 'sexy I was'. Everything seemed like the beginning of a teenage love story to me. How naive of me. 

    I had gotten into a fight with my mom. A big one. I was acting like a typical rebellious 13 year old girl. I had her drop me off with my friends at a pizza place. I was staying at my friends house that night, or so I told her. He showed up with a bottle of vodka. My friends and I gathered around the bottle and chugged, sitting around the outdoor table in his backyard. Then it's all black. Or it was until recently. 

    I woke up the next morning with a wicked hangover, not knowing what the hell happened. I was in his bed, in my underwear. Nothing hurt. "Hey" he said smiling. I smiled back and said good morning, confused to what had even happened. "You're a straight up boss now," he said smiling, almost going to high five me. I wasn't following. He then told me we had had sex. I think I might have had a WTF moment, but I quickly composed myself. We had sex again that day. And more during the next year we dated. He cheated on me. Got addicted to drugs, which I would not have known being a 14 year old girl. I thought I was in love. I thought that you were supposed to stay with the person you lost your virginity to. I didn't even realize he did something so wrong. He became abusive. He made statements like "I like dating a younger girl, you're like my little toy" while he squeezed me into him hard. He spit in my face, he choked me, he punched me in the rib cage once. He would cry- he would say he didn't mean it. He loved me, I was his "little girl." I wrote letters begging him to stop, telling him he was hurting me. It never got better. He ended up getting arrested for something, I don't even know what. By this point I had moved and was seeing him inconsistently. I wondered what had happened at first, and then moved on. It didn't hurt like how it hurts when you loose someone you really love- I know now. It was kind of a relief. It wasn't love. It was fear, infatuation, naivety, being taken advantage of, being vulnerable.

    I dated through high school, never really giving what happened any attention. It was just something that happened. I started to explore it more recently due to relationship patterns I started to notice in myself. Constantly dating down, picking fix-me-uppers, people who thought I was so amazing being a college student but weren't really on my level of success. The more I started to explore this area of my life, the more details started to come back from that night. I had a flashback of him taking out my tampon (that I didn't really need because I didn't truly have my period at that age yet). I remember saying "no" and him telling me it was okay. There were other people in the room...boys. One from my grade, I think two older. I don't know what they did. Up until writing this I kind of had the feeling they watched, maybe laughed. Now I don't even want to know. I only remember the one boy from my grade who was in the room. Part of me wants to message him, someone I haven't spoken to in years, and ask what happened that night. Part of me doesn't even want to open that door out of fear of what I'll find out, or of him telling others I'm exploring this aspect of myself I'm so ashamed of.

    I don't really know what my next steps are. I'm a grad student in a very professional field, soon to be applying to doctoral programs next year. I'm great at what I do, but I know that affects me in various ways. I know I need to see a professional. I think if I really want to let this go, I have to own it first. You can't really let go of something unless it's yours, I think.

    I like to think Karma will find its' way to him. Maybe it has. I feel bad for younger me. I wish I had someone say "This is wrong, what he did was wrong, this isn't a normal relationship." My mom knows what happened. I told her everything years later through tears. She cried for me. My dad doesn't know. I don't think I want to do that to him, I don't think theres any reason for him to know this. There's no legal action I can take having let so much time pass me by. I have to put my trust and faith in the universe that things will work themselves out.


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    I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about this who know's me because it makes me feel embarrassed, weak like I am being judged and nobody I know has gone through the same thing. So they really cannot understand anything, I just find it is pointless. Hopefully, I can talk and hear about other people's stories and finally find some peace. 

    I am 18, I am with the first boyfriend of 9 months. I had never gotten much positive attention from guys about my personality, they only wanted sex which I would never give for I have made the decision to wait until marriage. Around a year ago my sister had an older man over, she had called me up into her room. When I walked in he had his penis out. My sister not soon after me entering she left the room. I thought it was disgusting and told him to put it away. He then grabbed me and pushed my head towards his penis, he was hurting me. I tried to pull away when he then told me he would let go if I licked it. I refused and was so scared. He kept pushing my head towards it, pulling my hair. I finally agreed to lick it, when I did he got mad at me saying I didn't lick it. He then let me go then grabbed me and flipped me onto the bed where he then got on top of me. I tried to scream but he had his hand around my throat. I was so scared, I thought in that moment that he was going to kill me. He then proceeded to rape me. I can remember everything. I was screaming so loud but nobody heard me. He kept choking me until my lungs hurt so bad and I passed out. When I woke up my neck was bruised and he was gone. I can't remember his name, or what eh looked like. I moved 8 hours away that September and am terrified to go back to that city in case I might come face to face with him again. My boyfriend does not know the story as every time I tell him a little more I see how much it kills him. I decided after this happened to never tell another soul, but I have been having a really hard time lately, just feeling really depressed. I thought that finding somewhere that I can talk to people about this, and finally get it off my chest it would really help. I am kind of nervous. For I know I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I should have never been there and should have gone to the police after this happened. But I didn't even know the guy's name and who would believe me. It's embarrassing, to say the least. I just hope some people can help me and talk me through this. For I can say that I am a survivor and this will NEVER ruin my life and the way I view my beauty.

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    I feel like lately, I can't keep going with this. Remembering, reliving my nightmares.. I want to heal, but I also just want to forget. I want to pretend nothing ever happened. I feel like I dont belong here.. I dont want to belong here.. I dont want to accept that I belong here..

  8. My friend got a message on her phone from this guy she use to talk to saying that he was going to beat her up and rape her. Like WTF?!!??!?!? she did nothing to him but stop talking to him. She went to someone at the school and they told her to forget about it because it was basically an empty threat. but seriously?!?!?!?! that set me off I was so angry and triggered because I was in a similar siutation. UGH

    I have also been externly triggered by thirteen reasons why because of the rape scenes in it. Was anyone else triggered by it? I was it was so graphic and the way that they showed her flashbacks made me realize that is how I feel. Also I was doing so well and then I got stress and anxious and started to over think and bringing him into my head worried about if I was going to see him at a retreat I went to last weekend. I 6 panic attacks in a day because I was so nervous. It was crazy. I hated it. I hate being like that. I hate all of this. The reminders in my day to day activities. Now I want to make this very very clear I am not at all suicideal. I would never do that. But I honestly just want it all to end. I dont want to have nightmears. I dont want to wake up in the middle of the night. I dont want to fear of going places. I hate this,... why does stuff like this have to be so traumatic and why cant they just make a medicine to make everything go away. to forget it. to not have fears. So i could finally live my life normal again. If anyone out there has it or wants to do a clinical trial for it. Im down as long as you promise It will make all the memorys go away of that one night. The night that I will always remeber.

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    Hi. My name is Marta. A few weeks ago my life has changed. I hope that not forever. I was raped by my friend. After that incident, I wanted to end my life. I was ashamed and afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t sleep 3 consecutive nights. And only a psychologist - friend of my cousin have found a right decision. This man believes in me and the most importantly, thanks to him, I also started to believe in myself and in my future. He convinced me to talk about pain and fears. I am sure I’ll feel better when I can tell you about all that happened to me. Thanks to the support I get now, I’m ready to do this step. I’m not ready yet to name the rapist, so in my story I’ll call him Jack.

    March 25, about 7 p.m. I got a call from a friend who lives in Bedford and with whom I have not seen for a long time. We became acquainted with him about 2 years ago. He invited me for coffee, we were walking and talking about nothing. He was telling me different things, a lot of jokes. He told me about his romances at a veterinary clinic. At the same time he was trying to be a gentleman. From that moment we met no more than 5 times.

    Jack is much older than me. He seemed to me a strong and intelligent person. However, on March 25, 2017 something happened with him. That evening I was going  to Irving. Jack called me and when he found out that I was going to Irving, he offered to let me down by car. Of course I agreed. Why not?

    The first 15 minutes we were talking and joking. All was good. But then he suddenly decided to move out of the highway on the road where cars hardly drove. But even then I was suspected nothing. I was afraid when he stopped the car and locked the door. He took out a knife and told me to not twitch otherwise i’ll regret. He tried to stick his hand under my clothes. I didn’t let to do it and told him to stop. But he didn’t hear me. In front of me there was another person. At that moment I saw the real beast. Jack opened the door and pulled me out of the car. Pressed me to the hood and threatening with a knife, he raped me. This is an extremely difficult and painful to remember all details of that night. But I can’t keep silent. It’s even more painful to me. When he was over, he said that he will kill me if I’ll go to the police. It’s been over two weeks. Thanks to all the experts consultants. I became much more easier. Today, I realize that the silent is a wrong decision. I don’t want to live in fear.

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    This is my first blog posting this website, and i'll start by saying I've never really been able to come to terms with what has happened to me, no matter how long ago it was. It was almost two years ago in the summer of 2015. It's crazy that I don't even know where to begin because I was in such a tangled mess; lots of alcoholism at home and parents losing good jobs due to unlucky situations. I want to make it clear that I had a great childhood, great friends, and I've gone to a private school all my life. But that's the scary thing; these people who don't care whether you can defend yourself or not lurk behind upstanding morals and "hardworking ethics." One summer night after a long road of just being with the same horrible person, I had made the choice to drink until I couldn't be bothered with my emotions. The alcohol (vodka) made me happy, dance, wild, and less angry (or so I thought.) I can't even remember how much I drank. I can't even remember if I drank with a chaser or not. I arrived to the party in a hotel and at this point even thinking about anything further makes me anxious. Long story short, I was grabbed by the first love of my life after six months of just sex, losing my virginity, I was done. But that's besides the point, reader. I was soon taken into the master bedroom which was guarded by his instructed fellow football players and locked from the inside. There, they took turns with me...hurt me...bit me... just so horrible. Then I walked out of the room with my friends crying screaming because they just knew I was in trouble. Shortly after, another guy pulled me into the room, did the same thing, and had his friends come in and film it. I don't remember anything, all I know is that the moment that happened, this turned into a child pornography case. 

  9. We English don't talk about Sex.  We're known for it.  I've only ever talked about it at length with two people:
    • V - The girl I fell in love with at 17
    • C - The old man who subsequently abused both me and V
    So it's hard for me as an English man and a survivor to even type the word without getting nervous.  But it is a subject that is inevitably going to be difficult for many survivors.  There will be many different reasons for it to be difficult.
    In my last two therapy sessions I've tried to talk about it, about the fears I have being in a sexually active relationship again.  In the first session it didn't do so well.  Sitting on a sofa with someone telling me "it's normal to feel these things" just reminded me too much of being 17, sitting on a sofa, and an old man telling me "it's normal to feel these things".  Nothing my therapist could do to tell me "this is a safe environment" could stop the alarm bells ringing.  Anything she did to make me feel more calm just made my subconscious scream louder that I was being manipulated.
    But I do want to talk about it.  I want to express why it scares me so much and how I have begun to resolve that problem.  I had some more success in my last session. 
    In talking about it I found I want to be adventurous with my girlfriend (as she has asked to be).  But I want to be safe.  C twisted my boundaries.  He wanted me to do some pretty disgusting things with V in front of him.  Frankly, he erased my boundaries in order to manipulate me.  It left my fantasies truly messed up.  So when I got out, after C, the only boundaries I could find were "avoid sex".  After that boundary, after consent, I feel so scared of what to do next.  I feel scared I might hurt my partner in some way.  As much as I want to trust my girlfriend to tell me when some-thing's wrong I can't really go into sex saying "by the way, I think I'm dangerous".
    In all other areas of life I've been able to undo his brainwashing.  I've observed other people carefully and figured out a map of what is "normal" and "acceptable".  In the hardest cases I've simply asked people what was normal.  That is, I've re-learned to be me.
    But when it comes to sex, its much more difficult.  All I've got is a 17 year old's memoires of a destroyed relationship, C's abuse and some pretty messed up relationships since.  How do you begin to build a map of what's normal with that?  It's not like pornography is going to give any idea of "normal" or even "acceptable".
    Dating J for the past few months has helped.  It seems that finding the right person has been important.  We began very simply.  Very un-adventurous.  J didn't ask me what my fantasies are and when she's tried since I've gently but firmly avoided the question.  She's since told me she wants to try new things and doesn't really know what to try.  She wants me to come up with some ideas and that's where I'm being ultra careful.  Under no circumstance do I want what we do to be influenced by C and I know that my fantasies are still messed up.  So for the moment I'm able to come up with a few ideas and keep things a very long way from anything C ever talked about or tried to make me do.
    I know there will come a time when there is an overlap between what happened with C and what we do now.  But I'm working on building a map that starts with "vanilla" and works out from there.  Hopefully I can re-inforce that map enough so that when things become more "interesting" I don't find myself slipping into flashbacks during sex.
  10. This morning after my morning duty (which I was promptly late for...again....), I was stopped by my principal who asked to speak with me. She then proceeded to update me on how some of the 8th grade girls in our school were "letting the boys touch them between the legs, slap their butts, and things like that." I guess that Monday someone saw a boy with his hand between another student's legs and for some reason it just now prompted serious attention from administration...

    Except school has the laziest administrators ever so of course they didn't address this themselves. Instead, I was asked to address this with 8th grade girls. So our conversation continued and something similar to this was thrown out..."teachers are seeing the girls laughing when their butts are being slapped or they are being touched and we are afraid it will continue until one day, they decide they don't like it and then they whine about sexual assault."

    Now, keep in mind it's middle school. Of course, boys are pervs and will get by with whatever they can. If they know a girl laughs when her butt is smacked, of course they are going to keep doing it..and more.

    Also, keep in's middle school. Girls are wanting to fit in and be liked and be seen as cool. They don't want to be seen as prudes who can't take a joke. Also, they don't have the skills to say no and to refuse these smacks and touches.

    Anyway, I give my speech to some classes of girls after the boys leave and many of them said they don't like it when it happens, they just don't know how to make it stop because the boys don't listen when they say no.

    We have a group of boys who are athletes, popular, rich families. They never get in trouble for anything and they know  this. Administration is weak here so these boys get by with whatever they want. They harass kids, fight kids, take nude pix they get from other girls and send them around. 

    I am not good at confrontation and I hate standing up to people..especially bosses. However, today I did discuss with teachers that I feel this needs to be addressed with boys as well. Will it ever happen? I doubt it. They'll blow it off, like they do everything else.

    Our school is falling apart because our awesome 3rd VP was cut this year, leaving us down to two who just want to gossip and do nothing all day. Discipline is ignored, kids are realizing they can do whatever they want with little consequence. A lot of serious issues are thrown off on teachers and me, the counselor. 

    This is an issue that has bothered me all day. yes, some of these girls think its funny for real when they get slapped and they also slap boys on the butt and stuff too. But for a lot of these girls, they have no idea how to say no and make it stop.

    It saddens me that I work in a school that enables this behavior and throws blame on girls for this happening.

    It's also a school that has said that a gay child brings bullying upon himself for being so "loud and flamboyant and drawing attention to himself."

    Some days, I think I would like to be a principal just for the fact that I have a huge interest in helping to make our school a positive place and helping our school climate become welcoming. I'd have the power to make things right and to take care of these serious issues. However, I also know that I would be a weak leader, as I do not have the personality of a leader. No one would listen to me and I would be walked all over by employees.

    Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest.



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    Lil' Tribble 789
    Latest Entry

    Hi! I'm just going to cut to the chase here. I started this blog to see what constitutes child abuse. I remember some very bad things from my childhood and, as weird as this may sound, I know they were real but I still feel like I am lying. I would be happy to share if anyone asks although I figure this is a good place for people to sort out what's going on in their home situation. 

  11. That it is not (as I've tried to believe) "just something that happened a long time ago". It is something that still makes me feel sick inside every day. 
    That the effects run much deeper than they could imaging, deeper than I ever thought before I started really looking, and probably deeper still than I am currently aware. 
    That So very many things can be a trigger, and this can change depending on how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling low, Everything makes me think about it and feel even more sh!t. 
    Mostly I just wish people understood rape. I wish thay knew that it isn't 'normally' like what you see on the news. 75-90% of the time it is someone you know, a date/friend/boyfriend, not a stranger at the bus stop, it happens at their house or your own, somewhere you should have felt safe. That freezing is as 'normal' a response to this as 'fight or flight'. I wish people just knew this, I wish I'd known this.

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    I have really enjoyed some of the blogs out there! How long should a blog entry be anyway? How do you write an excellent one? What does everyone want to read? I guess I'll just write until I find a style I enjoy. I've never really been into blogs, but now it's like I can't get enough! It's like reading some one's journal entries! It's incredibly personal, but in many ways totally relate-able.

    Well, I got caught in the YouTube loop today - but first, BF and I are thinking about moving to Maine in the future, so I was doing research on that (Mostly on the winters there because he really is a summer boy), as well as which other states would be a good fit for us. Well, I was also curious about what state would be the best fit for me. This is important because if I don't know what I want I have the potential for being unhappy where we move. Maybe it's because I have a Malamute, but apparently I'm a good fit for Alaska! haha! I personally would love to live in Alaska, but I think my man would just die! He'd do it for me, but I'm not gonna make him do that!


    I watched a YouTube video by Linda Barsi on what it's like living there (Alaska), but I also watched another video about her journey to anti-depressants which I found very helpful....and emotional. In that same video she referenced Ana Akana (?) who also had lots to say on depression and I watched HOURS of her videos....literally hours. Usually I get stuck watching other things like the vlog brother's sci show or the slow-mo guys but I was practically glued to the screen because everything she was saying about HER depression resonated with ME. Well, it just so happens she's also in a TV show called single by 30, which I HAD to check out (thus is the YouTube loop). So, one thing led to another  and Om-goodness that show is adorable! It may be a chick show but it makes me think a lot of BF and I. It's two people in their 30's who had made a pact in high school that they would get married (as backup) if they were still single when 30 yrs old. We didn't make that promise, but he has always been my back up; meaning he's always been there for me and I him. We just know each other so well and I love it so much! If ever anything went terribly wrong or was worth celebrating he was - and is - the 1st one I run to.

    Speaking of which. There has been some tension in our relationship, but I blame my end of things.....

    1- I've let my emotions drive a lot of the time

    2- Most of my traumatic history happened while in a relationship setting, so I'm weird about a lot of things 

    3- I've been putting him more in the boyfriend box than the best friend box - which is bad because our foundation lies in us being friends very first, and my brain doesn't have nice things to say or ways to think about boyfriends.

     We have so much chemistry and personal investment in one another that I don't need to overthink it or get lost in my head about it. I just need to be how we always have been. I shot him a text today saying that I loved him and that I am so glad he's my best friend. I asked him if he'd wanna hang out tonight after he's off work, and to be honest that felt a lot better than saying we should have date night. I feel like that might be how I need to do that for a while. Dating seems fake and short lived. I wanna go back to what makes us so amazing. I'm not friend zoning him, I just feel more relaxed and connected when I tune in on that level instead. No pressure, just us, and I can express my love and be with him in a way that isn't connected to my exes. It's weird having him in this area of my life. In some ways it complicates things because I've kept the titles of best friend and boyfriend in different categories. In other ways it's refreshing, and a healthy challenge to look at things differently. Still,  boyfriend has a negative connotation to me, so having some one positive in that role is hard to process. Does that make sense? haha I treat him differently as boyfriend and that's not working well. SO we can go back to best friend, flirty, supportive, lovers and I'm gonna marry him some day. I can't wait!

    I love how we work together! AH!

    I just love connecting with him every day. I don't even care if it's him playing his games on his phone and I read a book while leaning on him with small talk, watching futurama and eating an oven pizza and laughing together, playing hearthstone and BS-ing all night, recalling memories or playing with the fur child in the living room. I want to give him everything - anything he wants. He has good desires and he deserves it as far as I'm concerned! I love it, I love it, I love HIM! Yes He is my lover, soul mate, companion, confidante, future husband, and many other things, but our foundation really comes from how awesome we are as friends BECAUSE we have always there for one another and we enjoy one another's company more than anyone else. I absolutely LOVE that security. I can count on him no matter what! I think my favorite though is how much he also depends on me for support. I love being there for him. I feel valuable, helpful, and important. He got really personal with me the other night - Big drama went on with some people from his past and after we worked things out and helping him process, he told me I was the only real friend he ever had. He may know other people and game hard online, but it's nothing in comparison to what we have. You have to understand, every single life crisis we've had as individuals, we involved the other one in because we're like magnets. It was easier to deal with problems having him there. It was so nice having a different perspective from some one I trusted who could tell it to me straight in a kind way that was in my interest. Over all these years there were other people that we dated, and we were flirty ourselves, haha but it's never felt so good as it has now: actually teaming up with him like this. It's like we finally reached our destination. I don't have to re learn another person to this extent, I just have to keep exploring him and continue strengthening us. I don't have to "put myself out there" with my set of fears, around people I don't even know, not knowing if they can even begin to understand where I'm coming from, or if they'll treat me better than my previous relations. (On top of that - build confidence in them.) His statement really touched me deeply. I am so silly for ever worrying if I was a priority, because his track record is proof. At the very LEAST he will be there when I need him - he always has been, so long as he knows something is going on. I'm so glad I haven't shut him out or let my fears overtake me. As always, only I am holding me back - so it's time to be my own hero and do the scary things like open up, fight my irrational thinking, do what's good for me and save myself so I can enjoy moments like these. :) No one can help me if I don't let them. It's all up to me. I am my own hero, and if I just step out of my own way nothing can stop me.

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    Came to this site because I guess I just need to find some safe place to outlet all of my feelings. Which I'm not even sure I know what all of these feelings are. I guess I mostly feel sad and alone. I met someone who seemed nice enough but turned out to be more aggressive than I was comfortable with. My friend warned me he wasn't a good person so I guess lately I've just been blaming myself for not hearing her out. For thinking he wasn't that bad. For not making an effort to stop him. I felt like dead weight. I felt like a prisoner for hours. I still feel like I'm trying to break out of this prison. What if no one understands? What if they blame me too? Its starting to weigh on me pretty heavily and I've begun to lash out at those who are only trying to help. But how can they help if they don't really understand the trauma? The pain? The disgust?

  12. a few years ago dillan, my alter thats kind of like my own personal therapist, asked what was stopping me from telling others about "it". so far these are the reasons that i can name off the top of my head (if theyre crossed out then theyve been taken care of):

    fear of being judged/made fun of/etc

    fear of losing close friends

    fear of making things awkward

    i was just trying to forget about it, so not talking about it would help me forget about it

    fear that i would dissociate in front of someone while talking about it

    feeling guilty when talking about it

    dillan has helped me kind of control when i dissociate and has also helped me learn that just keeping it to myself is not good and wont help me forget at all. we are still working on the other 4, so hopefully sometime soon i wont be afraid of those things anymore.

  13. FeelingsAreHard
    Latest Entry

    I had another anxiety attack yesterday and this time everything is different. I feel different. All I wanted was for everything to end. No one understands me. No one understands how I feel or why I do the things that I do. and Some of the stuff I do means nothing to me because it just became the normal for my life but others try to read into it. Some peoples words cut me even when they don't realize what they're saying. I feel like something actually broke inside me.... I did something I have never done before and no one knows about that either. I just keep thinking how differently my life would have turned out if I didn't ask my parents to adopt me.... I would be homeless right now.. I would have no one or no where to go to. Sometimes I guess part of me wishes that I had never asked them to adopt me. it doesn't fix anything.. as much as I try to pretend to be normal it doesn't make them my real parents my bio parents left me or abused me and finding new parents doesn't just make all of that go away...... I wish I had realized that sooner Because then I could be out in the world all on my own right now and I would have ended it by now... It is like my give a f**k switch is flipped to the off position and I can't turn it back on... I just don't care about so much right now. But I'm so good at playing the part of the girl who is doing fine... no one even takes the time to stop me and make sure it's not all a lie... 

  14. I thought once my mom went to therapy with me everything would get easier. She would be able to understand where I am coming from and how I feel. But honestly since she came in it has only gotten harder on me and not because of her. Now instead of constantly having anxiety and panic attacks due to my parents or drama going around in my family. Now I deal with having to face what happened to me and on top of that a whole other bunch of legal matters from a separate issue that made me worse. I feel like I went backwards, I feel hopeless, I feel alone. I just wish there was a way I could shut my feelings down completely. Not care what anyone says, thinks etc. I wish I didnt let situations in past, present and people affect my emotions so much. I wish I had more control over how I feel but instead I feel like I have no control over my own life yet alone my feelings. I pushed my friends away because I am too afraid to socialize and would much be more comfortable at home but yet I get depressed being home all the time. I get anxious over work and money etc. Yet I am too depressed to get anything ever done. I feel like I play a constant tug of war with myself on a daily basis. I recently started xanax and well its showed me that its not normal to feel the way I do and that I can feel normal. But my therapist says thats not an everyday medicine and if I need it everyday I need to go on something more permanent for the time being. But I have tried so many medicines that just make me feel like im essentially paralyzed. I just want to be myself, whoever I am and I just want to not feel the pain and sickness of anxiety and PTSD anymore. I hate that I cant relate to any of my friends or family. I hate that it kills me to talk to people because I feel at a loss for words. I hate that as much as I need you as a friend or family in my life I constantly push you away because your a trigger of my anxiety. It hurts me to even think that my family can be a trigger for me. That I cant sleep over their house because it makes me so anxious and I dont sleep at night and it kills me that even just going over there or seeing them makes me anxious of what are they going to say, what will they have planned to do. etc. Its like my mind cant ever shut off and it always brings me to the worst possible scenario. It sucks living like this and I just dont see a light at the end of the tunnel and it scares me to feel this way. I know I don't go on here as nearly as I should be and its nice to have you guys to talk to but its still lonely in my circle.