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I'm back on this site,
But have no words to say.
I've been stuck in silence,
And wanna go away.
But I can't go away,
I must stay for the days.
The good and the bad,
The ugly, wait, I take it back.
Things were silent,
Yes, talking about the abuse case.
Things were put on hold,
And close for more than a "few days."
Here I stand.
With my memories triggering,
Oh, and my friend?
Trauma has created a bizarre relationship between reality and my internal world.
I'm familiar with reality. I know the facts— that I am not unusual, these things happen to a lot of people, it was not caused by anything I did,.etc.
But I don't truly feel any of that.
In my heart, what I feel is that I'm a stupid w**re. That I deserved everything that has happened to me. My bones feel full of dirt and coated in mud. I have done a lot of disgusting, dehumanizing things that I didn't
I lift for winter break early so its been about a month and a half since i have last visited this site. i was stayin gat home for the holidays, four hours away from campus. i am back on campus. i thought i was getting better. i was wrong. i have been fine until last night. my roommate was watching a video of some celebrity reading thirst tweets and it got pretty explicit. i started to have a panic attack. i didn tell my roommate, i just laid in my bed quietly like i was on my phone. when i got d
School is about to start soon. To be completely honest, I am not quite sure if I'm entirely ready for it to start again. I was enjoying the peace after last semester; it was probably the worst set of grades I've had, two B's and 3 C's. I usually am so on it, but with everything going on and finally the calm after the initial storm of everything at once. I am excited to get back on a schedule, but at the same time, I am a little scared of how well I'll focus and how much I can put into this semes
Daily Thoughts (1)
*I'm going to try and make this an everyday entry as sort of a diary.
Today is January 3rd of 2022. I am currently at work and trying to get through the day, 12 hour shift 7am-7pm, I am on hour 5 out of 12 (Almost halfway there!). Today is my last work day until Saturday. I am a home health aide to a lovely senior couple. However, my days pass slow as they tend to nap a lot and I am O.C.D. about cleaning as I go so I don't have a ton of work to do throughout the day.
How do I even begin??
I guess I can start off by saying that I was sexually abused/molested from the time I was four (earliest memories of it happening) and it lasted until I was fifteen. That's at the minimum eleven years of sexual trauma. This is so hard to admit out loud. For so many years I have kept this to myself, and I have actually told myself that I would take it to my grave. Why did I tell myself this? Because I was AFRAID. Afraid of: my abuser, telling anyon
bby me: okay, Is there something wrong?...are you mad at me?
Old me: Not at all, I'm never mad at you, I will always love you no matter what, I just wanna know how you're doing...I know sitting down can make you nervous because you relate It to being punished but I promise you that you're okay, you're safe.
bby me: Okay. Well, I've felt lonely lately, sort of like everthing's empty. I miss my old room, my toys, my friends, It feels like there's nothing. Do you know If...It gets better?
i told my om when i went home for thanksgiving break. it was the fourth night i think if me being there. I started crying as soon as i saw her, just absolute complete ugly crying. she didnt react the way i thought she would. she was very quiet and apologized that it had happened to me. she asked if i told my dad yet and i said no and she offered to tell him for me. so she did. he didnt talk to me the rest of the night. i know he doesnt think less of me or blame me but i dont understand why he wo
So, the clinic visit...
Here's how it went. I scheduled a visit with the OBGYN because when I called the urgent care clinic the triage nurse said that due to my situation it would be best if I just went directly to them, because urgent care doesn't do "procedures" and they'd most likely be referring me to the OBGYN department anyways.
So I'm there,filling out forms. I get called back and the nurse is just a flat out bit*h. She hones in on the "how many pregnancies" and "how many childr
This is going to be a painful post. Please skip it if you need to. Part of me working through this is writing it out. I know that for quite a few of you, part of working through your own stuff does not include reading a first person account of my physical and mental anguish. Please do what you need to do for you. Take care of yourself my friend.
This post has taken me about a month to write.
If you have gone through something like this, I hope you know that you are not alone. T
Well, yesterday was my first Thanksgiving without my brother. As ive written he took his life a couple of months ago. so thus leaving this my first holiday without him. we went through csa together so pretty much everything in my mind and logic should be a peace of cake after that. Boy was i way off track and wrong. i thought i would be able to handle it with style and grace. after all i had his ashes so in a way he was there in "presence". also along that line he was there in spirit that shoul
Well, I've been trying to think of how to write this entry and even more on what to title it, still not sure the title is correct, but I am trying. Since, my brother, who i when through child sexual abuse, physical mental and emotional abuse with took his life the nightmares have come back. they seem to be of the abuse that we went through together. they went away for so long. i dont understand why they have come back now. i have been dealing with the abuse in therapy, well until now because of
bby me: "Hi. Yes I think I did, but this time I wasn't holding It back like I always do. Tears are meant to be shown, I am supposed to cry when I'm supposed to cry. I think that's why It's been so long since you cried big sis...because when you had the opportunity you'd never let It happen. I know how you feel, I felt embarrassed too, to cry In front of everyone...believe It or not there's so much shame In crying for women as well...everyone really...
When people cry they say "I'm sorry", t
I am feeling the heaviness again. It comes to me in cycles and it grips me and it weighs me down and it feels inescapable.
I am trying to hold on to hope but life can be so difficult sometimes, it can feel so hopeless.
I'm not working currently but my bills keep piling up, I'm still waiting to hear back on a job that I thought I had gotten but they haven't said much else and I'm just waiting to start working again, desperate for it because I am so broke. I'm in school but I've sudden
Little me: "I don't like when people talk down to me, petty me, feel sorry for me. My dad always lets me win and then denies It...my brother has done that a few times too. It makes me feel like I'm not smart enough, like I can't do things by myself. Yes, losing can be upsetting, but I like losing better than people feeling like I need to be pushed.
Older me Is working a new job and It's really hard on her, sometimes It wears her out completely, I don't know how she got there, I would be so
Hey everyone, I thought I'd let you know what this blogging Is all about. I thought I'd start a little journey between me and my little self. I know she has a lot to give, a lot to offer and I wanna hear her out...
Some posts I might be stritcly talking personally with my Inner child, other times she might do the talking, who knows (like maybe my child-self had fun one day because she got to jump In a trampoline and wants to share that experience). I do wanna state however that, her and I a
I am not new to this community. I have tried to do a blog before but failed at it. Recent events have brought me back here and I feel that it is important for me to do this. My therapist said a blog is kind of like a journal entry and you can write whatever, so I think I will share the recent events that have brought me to do the blog and a bit about my background.
At the age of 4 I began to be sexually abused along with my brother by our babysitter, mother and her many boyfriends. Growing
this weekend i am visiting a friend at a college an hour a way from me and one of my guy friends will be there. we will have to sleep on the floor together. i guess it will be a test run and see how i do around guys. i am nervous and scared. the last time i slept next to him he kept rolling over on top of me in his sleep. god knows what ill do if i wake up to that now.
today i went to the counseling center and got waitlisted until the end of the year, possibly even next year. so that was pointless. I went to the dining hall for the first time since it happened. i was paranoid the whole time and i couldn't relax. i was on edge the whole time. i felt like i was on the look out the whole time. i had to leave because i felt sick. i ended up having an anxiety attack when i got back to my room. but i tried. i really did. im trying to make big steps in little time be
“I love you,” you said to me that night,
You love me, I told myself when I woke in the morning.
You seem certain about this.
It seems there isn’t much you know though.
You don’t know that I scrubbed my skin until it turned red and broke
I felt unpure.
Don’t know I couldn’t sleep, I still can’t.
One eye open because I am scared.
Things you do know terrify me.
You know where I stay, where I sleep.
You know I have a beauty mark under my left
Before everything happened with him, I never truly understood how victims minds worked. It’s a weird thing really. My friend told me about how she had been sexually assaulted at a young age. I always wondered why she didn’t just tell her dad. Or, when I watched tv why a victim would just let their abuser get away with what they did. Of course I sympathized with them, but I could never truly understand.
Sometimes I wish I couldn’t truly understand. A lot of times really. I wish I didn’t kno
I love you, and you are so loved.
Im sorry that the adults in your life didnt protect you and at worst, abused you and used you.
My heart breaks when I think of the innocent angels that bore witness to such horrible things.
WHY, WHY, WHY Higher Power did you let this happen!!!?
I hate You for allowing this to happen.
Make it make sense. Make it right. Cleanse me. Make me new again.
Avenge us and let us see why so many have had to endure such horror.
If You are
i had my first nightmare about him. its been about two weeks so i don't know why they are just starting now. my depression is getting bad again. i haven't showered in two days,i am isolating myself, i don't eat, i don't sleep, i dont care if i go to class or get a bad grade. i feel numb, like im going through the motions. i thought of hurting myself like i used to but im almost 5 years clean. its so tempting but i know im stronger than that. i feel sick a lot. all my friends keep saying "sorry