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I wish...

I wish I could make the pain stop forever. Freeze it and leave it somewhere in space and time long forgotten. I wish I could look in the mirror and not think about how broken and wounded I am. I wish I didn’t have to have a phantom of my attacker in the backgrounds of my relationships and other life events.    But wishing never solved anything... time to start picking up the pieces  time to silence his voice And though the pain may linger for awhile  it will not last f

Selma

Selma

 

relapse

lovin what I’m tasting! The moment is medical... Can’t stop drinking and feeling depressed about the weakness I feel with it. I don’t want to drink. But I also don’t want to hear his voice anymore “I know” “I KNOW” fuck him 

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

I'm scared that this memory is real

I have a memory that I'm scared is real. I'm not sure. I have a snippet of me lying down, my head raised up to look, and I see my naked lower half with my legs spread and him pulling his penis out. It has some cum at the end of it and looks slightly wet. His gut fills the top half of the frame. I feel like my body is lying on top of something, because my vagina was at the perfect height for his hips and groin. Maybe a shelf? I'm not sure. I'm nervous that it's real

khake

khake

 

fragments of memory

It has been a long week of intrusive, random memories coming back to me that I for some reason never thought about or blocked from my mind for whatever reason. Plus the pieces of memories I have that don't have a beginning or an end to their story and it only makes it more confusing and uncomfortable. Just need to jot them down as I remember to make sense of my thoughts so it doesn't become too hectic in my head   I remember inappropriate things he did as a teacher in high school:

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

A very sarcastic poem

Thanks for taking advantage of me. All I ever wanted was a self deprecating identity. Thanks for using your authority against me. All I ever wanted was a distrust in community. Thanks for raping me. All I ever wanted was a distortion of my sexuality. "Baby, baby, baby," That's all I ever heard when you treated me like some novelty.

khake

khake

 

my kind will be on my side

my interior world needs to sanitize  Sometimes I feel cold, even paralyzed My interior world needs to sanitize I've got to step through or I'll dissipate I'll record my step through for my basement tapes Nice to know my kind will be on my side I don't believe the hype And you know you're a terrible sight But you'll be just fine Just don't believe the hype Yeah, they might be talking behind your head Your exterior world can step off instead It might take s

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

cancer

My grandma (maternal grandmother) was diagnosed with cancer when I was about 10 years old. She lived with it for years. She lived with my mom and I when I was a kid to teenager. Watching her die was extremely depressing. I loved her. She loved me and made me feel like I mattered. She knew how mean my mom could be, unprovoked and for absolutely no reasons. So she gave me positive attention whenever she had the energy. We normally just sat together and watched tv. We also had other similariti

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

Autopilot

It’s one of those times where I feel like I’m beyond help at this point. But I guess life in one form or another has to go on so here goes nothing. 

Selma

Selma

 

tainted sex

How could I have been so naive? How could I allow someone to manipulate me so much? I feel worthless. I'm so alone. I feel annoying everywhere. To everyone. I'll have this shame inside me forever. My chest actually hurts because I just feel the loneliness and shame breaking my heart. I find myself seeing others with family or people talking about family or friends and my heart hurts so badly because I just long for it so much. I long for someone to see me and tell me I ma

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

White Bird

To whom it may concern, I don't believe in signs or superstitions. I don't believe in fate. I believe that thins will happen whether you have your lucky horseshoe or not.  One day as I was walking to work I saw this white bird. It was sitting on the power lines with so many pigeons next to it and it was the only white one in the crowd. For a very small moment I thought, "haha who knows maybe this is a sign of good luck. Maybe I'll have a good day."  That day was terrible. I though

AllyHatter

AllyHatter

 

Today is not good

Despite a full nights sleep I woke up exhausted and in tears. I don’t want to go to work,I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to leave my room, I don’t want to do anything but sleep because at least with sleep I can’t feel the pain for a little while.  Been listening to some music and trying to keep things together. But I feel like I’m unraveling thread by thread. It feels like there is something inside me that just won’t rest despite my efforts to take care of myself.  is there some

Selma

Selma

 

Mel & Quill vs. Nerves - who shall prevail?

So, let's assume that Ny-Quil and Melatonin have teamed up with one very important mission in mind - 'twas the night before Spring semester started, and someone (let's call her, 'Cap') needed to undo six weeks' worth of habitual going-to-bed-at-3am-every-night damage.  And let's also assume that EVEN this late at night, it takes Cap roughly an hour to FALL asleep and then STAY asleep for more than three or four hours at a time.  It has also been pre-determined that neither member of Team Sleep A

Capulet

Capulet

 

Back to the depression

To whom it may concern, I know I've been giving you guys happy entries these past few days and I am happy and yet my head won't let me be. My dad's still in the hospital. I haven't really spoken much about my dad. So here goes. My dad....hes my hero. He has always been the light in my life that can brighten any day. He reminds me how amazing and strong I am and he doesn't even know what I'm going through. Even though he has never really understood me as a person, I'm still his daughter

AllyHatter

AllyHatter

 

Music is the best therapy. TW

“is that why they call me a sullen girl? Sullen girl?  They don’t know I use to sail the deep and tranquil seas until he washed me ashore and he took my pearl. And left and empty shell of me.“ -Fiona Apple, Sullen girl. Fiona Apple was a victim of rape at the age of twelve and wrote sullen girl . The song not only touches on the rape itself but also talks about the judgement she faced due to her behavior after the incident.    unfortunately that is a harsh and truly unforgivable real

Selma

Selma

 

JR makes life brighter.

To whom it may concern, I woke up next to the most amazing woman. She makes me smile like I've never smiled and laugh like I've never heard a dad joke before! I told her I love her.... Or at least that I could love her. Now I've only known her a short time but have you ever felt like....the whole world just got brighter? Now I know I've said that before but I feel like I have been looking through tinted glasses my entire life and now I can see clearly. Like all the love and accept

AllyHatter

AllyHatter

 

baby, you're a haunted house

For eight months total, the guy who was deployed (D) still kept talking to me here and there, never giving up. Asking again if he could see me when he came home for military leave. This stressed me out so much because as much as I liked him, I was too ashamed to meet him in person. I didn't want him to see me. Or know me, for real. I didn't want to be taken advantage of again. Or him regret meeting me. Worse, I didn't want him to like me still for some reason and I end up ruining his life in one

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

like violence, you kill me. forever & after.

After I returned home from Vegas, I went straight to working and trying to stay as busy as I could so I didn't have time to think or be alone to be taken as his slave again. It was 2012 now and I was working on and off for a few different restaurants and sometimes I even worked two different restaurants a day; working double shifts just to try to stay as busy and surrounded by as many people as I could. I would even hang with friends from work as much as I could just so I didn't have to be alone

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

Months after (trigger warning)

It's been months since my daughter's case was thrown out because her attacker is not competent to stand trial or plea , I'm still mad and I'm still going crazy inside but I think about this was is competent? How can it be ruled hes not competent? He was competent enough to assault my child and enough to continue to look back at the door and make sure no one was coming , he was competent enough to hold his hand over her mouth! I just can't believe he got away with it no counseling nothing at all

daughtersmother

daughtersmother

 

i'm the kind of human wreckage that you love

This house I lived in with my grandma and her husband was spacious and my neighbors weren't very close. We also didn't really lock the doors back then. And I actually didn't even think about it either... I just never..imagined. I knew I wasn't safe at school. I never thought I wouldn't be safe from him in my own home. I thought he got what he wanted. All the paranoia of feeling watched felt real now. I instinctively screamed out of pure fucking horror. He was saying things but I couldn't really

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

haunted

After high school, I'd seen him several times in random places. I felt watched. I thought I was paranoid, so I started avoiding going out altogether. N got an apartment and I moved in. I never left the house. Took online college courses. I felt safe there because it was a basement apartment and I felt shut off and hidden from the world, which I liked (and still do sometimes!) I became very reclusive. I never left the house alone. Always looking behind me. So I couldn't bare leaving the house in

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

That pebble in your shoe...

Friends, The motivation for this entry has come from several different directions.  There is much I've seen, heard, and felt in the past week.  I debated whether this should be a motivational post or a blog entry, but it's possible it'll be both.  I'm undecided for the moment, so figured I'd at least write it out, first. Most of us envision healing as a non-linear path we take on foot; a muddied, beaten, track that is not without obstacles and hinderances along the way.  'One foot in f

Capulet

Capulet

 

I can’t....

I cannot deal with my neighbor anymore. He is incredibly unstable and in my opinion dangerous.  There was a recent period of time for about four months where we constant heard him in the apartment below us screaming, cussing and yelling very disturbing things. He also bangs around his apartment all the time like he’s constant hurlings his furniture around. During this time we heard him through the day and during the night and he’s had the cops called on him numerous times.  And yet... he’

Selma

Selma

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