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Anniversary of her passing
Warning: This contains language designed to at least elicit a bit of laughter. Please put beverages down while reading.
My rock, my constant source of laughter and total joy... was gone. At that time, I was also under complete financial duress at the point of coming to grips with being too ill to work and the further slide down of the housing crisis. I had no money for a plane ticket and nobody was offering from the 'family'. Her death came as no great surprise as I knew from the previous year that my visit with her would be the last. She was indeed completely miserable in the hospice place with unfamiliar people and to her palate, "shitty institutional food". She had every right to say that because she was a phenomenal cook.
While I wasn't given any choice in the matter where she resided, her sons with exception of one constantly complained about her. Sure. Thanks for putting her in a smelly box-like room with a curtain and a handful of drawers where the staff would rifle through and take anything of value. I know! I bought her this amazingly fun cashmere bright green lap blanket for a special occasion. Sticky fingers by 'nursing staff' is what happened to it. Not to mention the Aunt that walked off with ALL of her jewelry. I see now why she detested J. so much. But then again, J's mother was as 'cray cray' as could be.
Psssst... it's the distant 'relative' by marriage people that never go in for professional help that I avoid! That makes my holidays I celebrate QUITE delightful without any excuse.
"You m'lady are a wretched ass and I have to eat Valium to be around you for an hour."
So I do not. That's how I gauge situations with certain people. Strangers are generally not at all a discomfort. Pretty much people know that those closest to us can indeed do the most damage.
But not Gran. Oh my fun and second mother who took up the job after my Mom passed way, way too young. We danced. We could be silly. We could sing off key. She would quote Shakespeare in the kitchen and then I'd be expected to 'remember my lines' to keep whatever Act was going. It was never monetary. She was as practical as it got. If something didn't need replacing, it did not happen.
After she passed, the one empathetic Uncle said, "what woman does not ever replace the carpeting, wall paper or furniture?"
While not remarking about his now ex-wife's inability to keep a single career path...
"It was good and perfect expensive carpeting when it was installed and shows no sign of wear. Not everybody follows design trends or keeping up with neighbors."
Oh. Yeah, Depression-era kids who realized everything had value later on passing those critical values on to the offspring might have prevented the disposable society we have today. There were ZERO abuses in my maternal grandparent's home where I had the only safe space in my life.
When she was gone... home went away forever. All I have left are photos, a few heirlooms and memories. But she would want me and you to smile and not cry. Out of all of her own personal tragedies with the death of several of her children, she always got back up.
I hope if you are down, there are so many wonderful people here at AS to lift you back up!- Read more...
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The First Lie
THE FIRST LIE
‘S’ was a different religion to me, from a different culture and that was one of my concerns at the start and I said if it was going to be an issue, I think we should just be friends. I didn’t want to get into something if it was an issue from the outset. ‘S’ assured me ‘it wont be a problem’ , ‘his family just want him to be happy’. That was I later discovered a lie. I say this was the first lie but it probably wasn’t but it was the first lie that I recall and which I feel he tricked me into a relationship with him. He knew I would have walked away at the outset if I had known there was going to be a problem and we are not talking a small issue. It got scary and felt very unreal.
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Still waiting so I surrender
Another week has come and gone and I still know nothing. I called the dr office 3 times. The first time, the dr called and left a message. Since I was working I couldnt answer. She apologized and said she was out for the rest of the day but to call and tell them if ok to leave results on a message. I call back and then nothing. I waited until Monday to call again. The nurse tells me she is out until Tuesday and will leave a message for her. I tell her I am a bit anxious about it. She says that considering the dr isnt calling urgently and she hasnt given her a head's up that something is wrong they are probably ok.
Here we are on Wednesday and still nothing. So for my sanity, I am going to say the results are ok and think only of the 2 options I have to make. I cant keep stressing and waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my email every 5 mins like a basket case. If she calls, fine. If she doesnt fine. I will worry about it more if I have additional symptoms. Going to another dr is beyond what I am capable of at this moment. It took me weeks to choose her. It would be weeks to research another. I just dont have the energy to do that.
Dont get me wrong, her bedside manner is great and she has been very underdtanding. She doesnt talk down to me or try to shame me. Until this, she has been great. Sometimes I think dr and most service professionals should be put in their client's position. Maybe then they would understand better. Maybe they will get the anxiety that we feel waiting on info about our care that only they have. Sometimes holding the answer to life or death.
So today is the last day I will spend allowing these results to determine my life. Well....I am going to try very hard to make today the last day.
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Latest Entry
feelings against him
I'm Angry beyond angry , He is a child a child that hurt my child . He is 11 and yes he has down syndrome but that doesn't change what happened what he did. Im more angry with his mother why would she take him to my house ? why would she just let him inside my house? Why did my babysitter let her do it? Why is my biggest question, I did everything I could to protect my children ! Its not right that she gets to walk around with her son and everyone treats him like he's a victim nothing happened to him! and now if the court says he's not competent to stand trail what happens? But yet he was competent to commit the crime!
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Nightmares and Insomnia (and swearing!)
I can't fucking sleep! I feel as though I am living out "A Nightmare On Elm Street", and that Freddy Krueger is nipping at my heels. I don't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares I have, but I'm so fucking tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. Shit!
I drink to numb the pain, and to try to go to sleep, but it doesn't work anymore, nor is it a healthy method of coping! I know this! It doesn't actually make any sense for me to not want to fall asleep, yet drink to try to sleep. I know it's fucked up, but that's my reality right now.
I'm getting really tired right now, and know that Freddy is on his way. Ugh!
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cant get worse
Well, I finally decided it was time to write again. My life has been hell to say the least for the last week. I am on medication and a lot all for my mental health. i have meds that help with my PTSD, anxiety, anti depressants, sleeping, nightmares/ flashbacks,, hallucintations/voices, a medication to help with the sideaffects and one that is supposed to inhance the meds that i take. i hate taking medication but i know i need them and have come to accept that fact. well, i pick up my meds for two weeks at a time. so naturally i go in last thursday to pick them up. they werent ready and they had already tried to reach my psych doctor twice with no answer. ok thats fine. so they were not ready. so i called on friday to make sure they are ready to pick up. i got the shock of my life. the doctor refused to fill them until he saw me again. that is bullshit i was beyond pissed. i have just spent the entire weekend awake for five days i had no medication in my system. i didnt think i was going to make it through it. i had to make arrangements for my daughter to stay some where safe in case i had to go into the hospital. it got bad couldnt eat couldnt sleep, the voices got out of control as did the hallucinations and anxiety. well, i had both therapy and seeing the doctor on tuesday. i feel so bad for my therapist. by the time i saw her i was so out of it i didnt know which was up and which was down. i dont remember our entire session just bits and pieces. i was so out of it that i remember talking about my hair and sitting there crying because it was dirty. i dont remember much more. i do know tuesday when i see her again i will be apologizing to her because i know that it couldnt have been a comfortable or easy session for her. i finally got to see my doctor later on tuesday. i went in and before he could even say i word, i said look we have two options today. we are either putting my meds back into my system or he needed to admit me to the hospital i knew i had gotten to the point i could no longer keep myself safe. he said he didnt like me off my meds because i was demanding. im like no kidding put yourself in my shoes and lets see how you handle it.i asked him why he did this and although in a way i understand why but there should been a safer way to go about this. his reasoning behind it was because he was not the original doctor who prescribed them and he wanted to make sure i needed them. Really, why the hell do you think im on them?!! i do understand but really should have been safer about it. i am looking for a new psych doctor because im not risking going through this hell again, im just not strong enough. thankfully i am back on them but they are not at the proper doses he had to put me on three of them on a lower dose to start with. one is the nightmare/flashback one. and he said that it will be a few days before i start feeling better. i just am pissed how this went down. other than that, i ahave been struggling with self harm. i feel so alone anymore i dont know maybe i am beyond help and i know for sure i dont deserve it. i feel like all i do is cause more damage even when im trying not to. my mind is still on fast forward. oh well, all i can do is hold on for the ride. i maybe on my own but for now i guess that is how it is meant to be.
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Numb
Its been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. The day we were moving to that 2 bedroom he got wasted and ended up trying to shoot himself. He missed and the bullet went through the apartment on the other side. He was admitted to the hospital and we had to move to a house in the country with roommates. Getting him off drugs and alcohol was hell. He was horrible to me. He started getting better for a few months then he started drinking a little more at a time again. First it was on the weekends now it's everyday and it's getting worse. He can't keep promises, he lies constantly even though I always know he's lying, he treats me like the worst scum on the planet, and sees nothing wrong with it. I have no car no job no money so I am stuck with him for now. School has been great, I have gotten 9 As in a row in my classes. My son is growing so fast; he's so beautiful and smart and strong and happy. I love him so much it hurts but in a good way. He is very attached to his daddy so I hesitate to break it off with him. When I get my license back and a car of my own maybe I will look into other options but for now my survival instinct is kicking in. Child support would only cover rent diapers and my phone bill and as anyone with kids knows it takes worlds more than that. I got joint custody of my oldest son and see him every 1st 3rd and 5th weekend alternating holidays and 30 days in July. He's got issues from being left at my ex since the environment is filthy and broken and has no guidance or discipline whatsoever. But I'm happy I get him as much as i do. For a year and a half i didn't even get to talk to him really because they always said he was sleeping outside or gone. So I'm stressed about him and helping him with his issues on top of my guy and his addiction combat PTSD and TBI problems and trying to get good grades in school while raising a very active and daredevil 1 year old. So my plates full. It's hard living with roommates too. One of them does drugs and smokes cigarettes in his room with my family here. The owner is evicting him thankfully. The other roommate is very sweet and generous he just doesn't ever clean up after himself and his side of the house stinks so bad it's hard not to get nauseous when I walk by that hallway. There are good things and bad things about my life. I have family; I've mended those bridges and my real true blue friends are there for me through the phone since one is in L.A. and one is in AZ. I am so lonely though. I'm used to having a life and being with this guy I haven't had a life in almost 2 years. He's not physically violent but he's mentally and emotionally abusive and doesn't think there's anything wrong with lying or getting drunk and being a horrible person or spending all the money we have on unnecessary stuff and alcohol. He's not my friend I can't trust or depend on him and I can't even have an intelligent conversation with him. I get nothing I want need or deserve from this relationship. I am so miserable I've let myself go and my PTSD is flaring up again; nightmares fear disassociation anger hate and depression not eating not sleeping etc. I think my life would be so much better without him. He's a good dad though and the baby just loves him so how can I RIP them apart? My rationale is protecting my son from his selfish impulsive horrible decisions and behavior. There's no one to help me and I have nowhere to turn. So I have to endure this until I get where I can do this myself. I'm not even concerned with trying in this relationship anymore. I've realized it's been over for a very long time. Why put myself through anymore heartache when I know that's all that will come from continuing on? He has no idea how to treat women or even respect any of us. He was raised by his friends and by war and he knows nothing about right or wrong or how to be a good person. I'm not sure if he can be helped or healed. He needs to want to be and if you think nothing you do is wrong you won't listen to anyone right? He thinks I'm being unreasonable telling him not to drink everyday and cares nothing about what I want or how I feel. He never listens and doesn't even really apologize or try to make up for wrongs anymore. I can't stand him anymore. Every day I wake up next to him disgusted disappointed angry sad and hurt. He got a job offer as a contractor overseas which entails him to be gone 3 months at a time and home for one month paying 114k a year. The baby will be miserable without him but thatd be ideal for me. I wonder if I should make the decision to send him over there (with a lot of danger; he could be killed at any time because it's in Afghanistan and Iraq) and let him just send money home for me to get everything straight and then decide if I want to break it off for good. Maybe separation will help us. Maybe being away from us and me having time to recharge will heal our relationship. Maybe if he goes over there he will see that his place is here with us and make him appreciate his family. Or it could make him decide to stay there and leave us. Or he could die. For me it's a godsend but for my son it's a nightmare. I would sacrifice anything for my son to have a good life and be happy and successful even my own happiness my health my life everything. That's would parents do for their children. So I can endure this a little longer until I can take care of the baby myself. I really wanted him to be my partner. I thought we were supposed to be together. How could I have been so wrong? I want that guy I fell for back but he seems to be gone for good. I love living in the country and closer to my oldest son. The schools here are pretty good too. I want that other room for my boys and to get my oldest full time but that costs money. Why does everything cost money? The system is set up so if you don't have money you're supposed to Darwin out. Horrible. I'm struggling with old habits and old problems. The stress even made my migraines come back and cause hives every so often. It's literally killing me so I'm not sure how much more I can take.. i know I will be ok and I will move forward stronger from this. I will not let this or him beat me. I will rise above. It's just so hard to see the light when I'm stuck down here in the dark again. One foot in front of the other, head pointed forward and straight ahead with my gaze 360°. This is a learning experience so not time wasted. More later...
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Thank you, Son, for having poop that stinks!
Greetings to all from my neck of the woods, where I seem to have disappeared for a little while. I've not been completely gone - just keeping myself scarce for no particular reason other than not really having much to report.
In my last blog entry, I mentioned that bathroom renovations were underway. Those renovations have since been completed. It took a few more days to return my sleep cycle from WAY abnormal back to simply screwed up. If you're me, there's never going to be a normal. I'm even more convinced of this, as lately I'm able to fall asleep, but not able to STAY asleep for more than three hours at a time. Example...I get myself nice and tired, crash at 2 or 2:30 in the morning, fall asleep until 4am...then it takes me two more hours to fall back asleep.
I don't know what gives. I really don't. Brain is silent, I'm DEFINITELY tired - the deep sleep just refuses to take over. They say you sleep less when you get older - I HOPE that's not true as I'm already functional with four to five hours per night - at this rate, I'll be pulling all nighters and chugging the coffee to stay awake in the mornings! (Yes, I bought more caffeinated K-cups!)
I recently undertook another project. The re-organizing and deep-clean of my daughter's room. After two years of her destroying her room piece by piece (when it comes to such thing, my soon-to-be-13-year-old has some serious talent) she's decided that she's outgrown her twin-sized bed and has asked for a full-size upgrade. I obliged, but told her that if she was going to be pulling out the twin-size bed, she was also going to be pulling up the carpet that she's gotten slime stains on. She's proven time and time again that her room cannot be where she stores her art supplies, even though that's where they always end up when my back is turned.
Anyway, I waited until she was in school before starting her room. There's NO other way to avoid the, 'Ma, I was saving this,' or the 'I didn't want to throw that away!!!' Three or four trash bags went out - bags that were filled with more than the 'candy wrappers' and 'water bottles' that she had littered all over her floor, what I told her was in those trash bags. I managed to get rid of things I'd not seen her touch in years - since we MOVED. What's the sense in keeping it all? Some was donated, some just plain trashed. Got rid of clothes too that were six or seven sizes too small.
Oompa's the one who bought her the bed frame and mattress, but I was left in charge of not only prepping her room for the new bed, but also of picking up the mattress from town. At first, I thought it would be easy but when is anything that simple? Apparently the Jeep I wanted (and still love, by the way) has one of those pesky antennas on top - meaning I couldn't put the mattress on the roof of my Compass. So, a U-Haul was rented for Friday morning and both J and the son were on board to help me transport a full-size mattress from the store to home - then we would transport her old twin-sized bed with an accompanying built in shelf and dresser over to the wasband's for her little sister to use.
Friday morning, we got up early, finished up the rest of her room (swept the floor, stored boxes underneath the bed frame (ordered from Amazon and assembled the day before) and were about to head out. The Son was, as usual, taking his time, so I knocked on his door and said, "we'll be waiting outside, meet us out there and lock the door on your way out!"
He shouted something back. "Okay!" I'm guessing he said.
I waited another couple minutes and realized there was a bag of garbage that was still sitting in the hallway outside the daughter's room. I grabbed the bag and went to trash it. Went to go back into the house and walked right into the Son, who NEVER LISTENS TO ME. Except for today. He chose to listen to me today, and had already locked the door on his way out. My pocketbook and my keys and my receipt from the Mattress store were ALL in the house.
"SHIT!"
We checked the front door in the event that the son hadn't locked it. He had. Nice and tight. We checked J's car for HER key - it wasn't there - it was also in the house, tucked away in her work bag. As a last resort, I jogged across the street to the neighbor's house - she takes care of our animals whenever we're away and has one of our spare keys - and she wasn't home.
"What, now?"
J started trying other doors. Kitchen sliders? Locked. Side entrance? Locked also. I'm starting to panic because we have a 12:00 appointment to go pick up the U-Haul, and four hours to get everything brought to wherever it needed to be - and return the U-Haul. And everything I needed was locked inside the house!
I walked along the side of the house and tried the windows. The ONLY one that was unlocked and willing to budge was the bathroom window.
"Uhhh.....J??"
She came over. I showed her that glimmer of hope - the open bathroom window. Next, I tried to maneuver myself into a sitting position so that I could easily slide into the bathroom window. To explain, I have a bi-level. When you open my front door, there are stairs leading up and stairs leading down. So the window was located pretty much close to the ground from the outside - to go in would mean a drop down into the room from above. It had rained the night before, and I wasn't wanting to soak myself on the wet mulch. Plus, I'm 40 years old now, no longer a spring chicken. Trying to limbo myself into the bathroom window wasn't working - not from this angle. I'd more likely break my back trying to bend in ways I'm no longer able to. Not to mention there wasn't a whole lot of room - picture below will show that trying to go in feet-first would probably have ended very badly, given my busty frame...
"Okay. I'm going in headfirst." My brilliant idea for the day.
So - in I go, slowly. Used my hands to 'walk' myself down, (pushed toilet seat down first) and then little by little, shimmied my way down until I was literally hanging onto the outside ledge using my feet. At this point, J decided to take a photo - promising that this would bring forth years of amusement whenever talked about in the future. And I'm sure it will...
Dropped down into the bathroom, using my arms to catch myself. By now, the drop wasn't a large one, and the toilet broke the fall up, some. I'm in. And I'm alive. Go, me!
Damn, though, I think I pulled about six different muscles trying to break back into my own house. This very same photo was posted onto social media with the caption, "how's YOUR day going?' Oompa's response was, "what happened?" I explained the situation to her and the first thing she said was, "I hope you didn't break anything in your new bathroom!"
No, Ma. Maybe just a little bit of myself, but thank you for the concern.
Got to the U-Haul with minutes to spare - got everything else we needed to do - done. Aside from this little lock-out snafu, the day was a good one. I have a few bruises and was sore in places I didn't know existed yesterday, but end result - the daughter's room is looking clean and organized. Now the challenge remains - getting her to KEEP it that way!So, in closing, I would like to thank my son for, on Thursday night, taking a shit in the downstairs bathroom - a shit that smelled SO badly, that I cracked the window to air out the room. Had that shit not been taken, I would probably STILL be trying to figure out how to break into my own house. Furthermore, I'm grateful for my own absentmindedness - normally I would have remembered to close and lock that bathroom window once the stench had died down. Perhaps there IS a silver lining to my increased ability to not sleep?????
Hoping you're all well and that you're all smiling.
- Capulet
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Latest Entry
Day 3 - Client Under Siege
I wrote this email July 27, 2008 as a update to my T, who promised to read them while he was on vacation. I lived with my family then and it was pure hell. I had just joined AS, a move that saved my life and gave me a voice. Most of my posts here on AS from back then have been destroyed during the big server crash (es). Some segments of this email is my responses to topics I answered other on but no names will be used.
in so much pain
I am hurting so bad, I never hurt so bad before
i just wanted to be cared for
and loved okay
i am a beacon for the wounded and the broken
that's how I was found not long ago
I thought I could spot a wounded spirit easier than most
Now I paying for this arrogance
every survivor IS NOT your friend
I said it to someone here today
I didn't listen to myself
when I was a kid before I just saw the good and
swallowed the bad
I'm an adult (for the most part) I look for the good
and think I'm bad
kid- never thought what was bad was really toxic good
and what appeared godly and good was really veiled evil
dad
mom
adult- now able to see her childish mistake about family
tries to build another one
among close friends
same deal -she never learns until too late
I feel like I've just been through the most elaborate, the most intense mindf*** of all
I just couldn't see until now
And I am afraid
some of you will understand my rantings, some won't
I assure you I'm not crazy
just tired and wounded
I never saw any of the coming - I guess that's life for ya
as that Van Halen song Jump goes
you gotta roll with punches til you get to what's real (that one's for you Jazz)
Damn
Can a child still love their abuser?
I am a survivor of CSA. Even though I am 39 yrs. old I still love my father, I hate myself because I do. Early on I was a Daddy's girl. He is the first man I ever loved. I was proud of him and wanted to be like him. But somehow he lost it and broke me, I've been coping and making repairs constantly ever since. I repressed those horrible memories because I think it would have been too hard to hug him, laugh at his lame jokes, I wanted to be wanted because I always felt unwanted. Somehow he made me want to be touched by him in that way, and years later I feel totally perverted when I think about how he sometimes made by body feel. And it hurts. So sometimes I SI to get him out of me. I chose to hate myself so intensely because the alternative was hating him with all my might.
I love him now even though most of the memories are back or coming back and I am slowly getting better. He is in a nursing home and I can't fake it anymore, so I rarely go see him.
second verse same as the first, but better.
Forgive me if I'm a little long ** but I have to tell
A lot has transpired since I entered this post - time is going faster than the speed of light it seems. I left out the reason I love my father...
. He was once a little boy. Innocent, laughing and loving life and God. He tells me this story of him praying in a field as a young boy, he didn't explain why, but a terrible storm was coming in. I was reading Louise Day's book "You can heal your life" where she encourages one to look at their parents as a small young child, and come to some forgiveness for that child. I saw my mother as a girl. But was unable to visualize my father, and I became furious and threw the book across the room. I have not read that book since. But it triggered something in me and slowly I began to see him as that boy in the field alone, a violent storm quickly approaching, his mother running, calling him frantically to come inside. A tornado was coming. 
No one ever saw that the invisible tornado had already came and took the boy. My father was sexually abused by some man he knew.
I think the first person he told was his angry suicidal daughter who told him of her repressed abuse by a neighbor, in which he replied get over it. It was me. I ranted telling him he had f**ked up everything in his whole life because of it. I almost confronted him about abusing me, but even through my anger I was terrified. I drove off in anger. I planned to cut all ties with him even if it meant dividing the family. Days later he followed me from the store begging me to talk to him, I ignored him and for two blocks he rolled behind me. I could not stay angry for some reason, a week later I found him outside my apt. I made a truce, I was not finished fighting the war. A few years later I confronted him again this time I was direct. He lied and was so convincing I forced myself to think I was the perverted daughter, much to my current T's relief. But that did not hold and I knew in my heart without a doubt it was true. Once again my world shattered. And sibling took sides to this day I think they most are on his, I am alone. I've been through a lot of therapy and at some point the anger parted like the Red sea and let in understanding, and it's companion pain.
This is when I saw the boy. Who grow up and had the little girl he loved who was me. I think my father was a survivor time bomb. When I was SA by the neighbor I think somehow he saw my shame which was a reflection of his own, and he snapped, and exploded all over me.
He physically, mentally and spiritually abused my brothers and sisters, I think I (and maybe a sister) were the only ones
he touched sexually.
Every few years during the course of my life, I would have a reoccurring nightmare about a horde of angry tornadoes chasing me. A tornado in a dream means turbulence somewhere in your life. I did not put this together until today, when a chain of events knocked me off kilter.
I love my father because he was once that boy,the man I hated. There was no therapy for a little Black abused boy in rural Mississippi in the 40's. He almost had no chance of diffusing that bomb inside him. And that makes me very sad. Maybe I can find forgiveness in this wisdom and diffuse my own.
Thank you for allowing me to post this. I hope it helps someone. (Esp our male survivors)
things are moving scary fast
today started off well I was confident, that I would have little impact from your absence. I was sure my troops were assembling around my camp ready to engage in battling the evil forces of deborah's shame. I was wrong. Impact was felt. I cannot explain the whole thing here as it is still and ever developing, so keep biting those nails for the next post.
BTW- I called and called for the back up T to no avail. Was it me???I hope this made some sense. I barely edited this because this is where I was at the time.
Thank you for reading this far.
tulip
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Latest Entry
Two Years
It’s been two years. Two years of crying at the drop of a hat, two years of wincing anytime I’m touched, two years of fighting to survive. Everyday in those two years I have held back tears when someone looks like you, when I realize what was taken. Two years isn’t a long time, but for me it’s been excruciating. I know your eyes still light up, and I know that you can smile and mean it. Meanwhile, every small smile takes more energy than it should. Every time I laugh, it sounds fake, it feels fake. When I get that moment of calm, not needing to run around to deal with all that keeps me busy, I waste that moment on you. I waste that moment wondering where you are, if you are near me, if you are planning your revenge. I wonder how that crooked smile, that tooth gap and the ridiculous tattoos could ever hide this evil. You got into my head, you made me feel special. You took every part of me I had never given anyone, and instead of keeping me together, you threw everything out the window. You smashed me with your hammer and made sure there was no whole pieces left. Every time I cry, every time I sleep, you are there. You are there making me feel useless, making me feel unremarkable. You are making sure I cannot stand on my own, making sure I can barely stand at all. I may never truly see you again, but you’re there in every man who walks near me, in every person who threatens me. Your reign will never end, your power much stronger than you get credit for. For someone who has no intelligence, you are smart enough to control me, control me from your apartment in another state. I cannot keep tabs on you, you made sure of that but you, you can keep tabs on everything I do, no matter how much I try to hide, no matter how strong I get. You will always have the upper hand. You will always be the reason I cry at night, the reason why my happiness is hanging on by a thread, one you can cut at any time. You hold my entire being in your incapable hands, you stand by ready to destroy me again, ready to break me completely. You wait for me to take my last breath, so you know you did your worst. Some days I want to just give in and give you this satisfaction, others I fight tooth and nail just to avoid the sharp edge of my old friend.
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Bad day?
To whom it may concern,
Today, I feel...weird. I don't really feel like its been a bad day. Somehow, I just went through the motions without really realizing what I was doing today. I just kinda snapped into it a few moments ago when I started writing. Seems like I may have been having a few of these days lately but I haven't really realized it 'till now. I know I went to work. I know I smiled and made jokes like I always do. I know I went for a smoke at lunch but I feel like these are someone else's memories. Like I wasn't the one who did those things.
I kinda feel like someone else has been controlling my body today. I don't know how I feel. I guess I'm a little empty right now. I don't know if I had a good day or a bad day. I know that hearing from Connor today made me smile. I know that getting a promotion at work made me smile. I know that I felt okay all day yet right now I don't feel like I did any of those things...
Anyone else have this feeling? I don't know if I'm grateful I didn't have to deal with today or if I'm scared that I've completely disassociated with reality. I wanna be in my little dream world but then coming back and realizing I could have lived a good day kinda scares me. What if reality isn't so bad and now that things are finally looking up, I'm not there to live it.
I guess it really is all or nothing eh? Either you disassociate and miss out on the bad...and the good or you live through the bad but get to experience the beautiful wonders of this world. I guess I don't really know how to live in this world anymore. But I will do better. I will start taking the bad with the good. I will not dissapear and let someone else live my life for me. Today's the day I take control again. I have to....or I'll just wither away and I might miss out on the smiles I get to experience with Connor...my sister...my friends...my family...what if I miss out on a life with them? I don't wanna lose the chance to experience my little sister's graduation from medical school or my nephew's first day of school or my first date with Connor. I want to live this life....whether it has some sad parts in it or not...at the end of the day...it's my life and I have to accept that and live it.
Sincerely yours,
Alice.
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Finally free ?
Last week I told my stepdad about my abuse and how it molded the romantic illusion I have had about him since we met, I thought this would break the chains to my deceased emotionally verbal abusive mom but it just exposed to me how vile she was to me, she convinced me he would not understand or believe me and we would never talk again if I told, our and out lies, he believes me and wants to stay in my life as a dad figure, I am once again surprised she can lie so easily to me, her daughter. Had I questioned her, there would not be a rock in my chest, the rock I carried for years, I am so tired of finding out how much she hated me, I want to be done, I want peace and the only way I see is out, if I pass there will be peace and maybe Teleah will finally be free from her mom
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Decisions Decisions: I said NO.
When I posted my story I wasn't prepared for the response I had so I appreciate every one of you that reads this. I feel less alone. So now I want to open up more to everyone. The first So most people know when you say no to someone who wants sex or say stop i don't want this it's considered rape. Well not me. My ex BF raped me I said no. I said stop. He didn't listen. If he would have done it with a condom maybe i would have been okay with it i don't know. I missed my period that month and went a few weeks thinking i was pregnant. I also suffered really severe stomach pains. Where was he then. Nowhere to be seen. My fiancee and i had just started seeing each other and he was ready to step up and be the father if i was pregnant. To make matters worse my ex wanted me to abort and when i said i wouldn't, he wanted me to put the baby up for adoption, when i said no to that he wanted the child to have his name if it was a boy or his grandmas if it was a girl. The good news I wasn't pregnant. But I was raped. I am just coming around to this fact. I remember him saying something about a girl trying to get him for SA before. He basically didn't care about that fact since nothing really became of it
So now I have decisions to make. Do I want to report it? If I report it and it goes to court the defense can rip me to shreds if i end up having to testify. On the other side I don't want him to get away with it again.... I feel like he just kept me around as his little fucktoy. Everytime we hung out he wanted to play. But i'm more than just a play toy right?
Struggles thats all i have left to say.
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Finding Me
A brand new story. Telling the story of the move from Denver Colorado to Homestead Florida. Please read "Finding Me" https://www.perpetuallyhealing.com/2019/…/finding-me-47.html#redirecttheshame
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More Random
so I have been going to the therapist for 4 weeks now, we talked yesterday about working on recovering my lost memories. She thinks that I do have CPTSD but she said that there something else going on beside that. She didn't elaborate on that but I have to work on self care first though. Apparently treating myself as little more then an animal is not heathy.
I will admit it a little disconcerting to have both my wife and my therapist saying that it surprising I am not a serial killer. That bothers me a little.
APS in my home state isn't going to do anything about my brother emotionally abusing my mother. They promised multiple time over the past month to go to the home and speak with her about it. They have yet to do so. No wonder the receptionist laughed when I told her I was calling APS about the landline. She knew APS there is a joke. I cant even get a call back from the caseworker. And people wonder why I dont trust the Government.
I starting the classes for counseling , between the dyslexia and the childhood abuse about it I having a hard time with the essays. I feel they have to be prefect and I struggle with that. I going to try to apply something I decided about work and hobbies along time agoto it. Some Times good enough is. I am just aiming for competence not perfection.
" Perfect is the enemy of good" Voltare
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Latest Entry
A Good Outing; Feeling Hopeful
I saw my sexual assault counselor today and it went quite well. She bought me a coffee, we went for a drive, and I was able to be myself and let out my feelings. We had some laughs as well. She is very kind and supportive. Next appointment, we will get more into the reporting process. I am going to bring some notes with me so I have more of an idea of what to talk about. I feel quite hopeful about my journey with her, as well as with my trauma psychologist. These may be dark days, but I have the right support. I'm so glad that I can feel a little bit more hopeful than I have been the last while.
I'm still feeling a little bit anxious and down today, but I just have to remember that I see her again soon and I'm not alone. I hope our next appointment goes well too! I just have to think of what kind of thoughts and questions I want to bring up. My healing journey continues.
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WHY????????
Last year at the start of my college experience I was raped. The only people that know are my boyfriend and therapist. I hate talking about it. I am scared to tell anyone. I let this happen to myself a second time. The first time was just sexual assault not as bad a rape. But I let it happen again. I'm letting it affect me again. I am mad at myself because I trusted some guy and didn't trust my gut. I didn't feel safe talking to my parents and asking them to pick me up. I was in his room scared. I don't know why I let this happen to myself. This past month in March, I am officially three years self-harm free. Right after I was raped I wanted to kill myself but didn't. I'm happy I didn't. But I keep asking myself this why question. For the past year I have been suppressing these feelings, but BAM like a wall. Memories and triggers started happening. I got one intense trigger and it triggered emotions. I'm happy one minute, sad the next, and most of all frustrated when I'm not distracted because I just want answers. That is all that I want. I want to confront him, but I'm scared of seeing his face. UGH! I am sorry but this was my rant. I am just so damn frustrated and its affecting my relationship with my parents, sibling, boyfriend. What also have been upsetting me is thinking about the abuse I have been through with past guys. I am just upset. I'm sorry...
Why did I let it happen again?
Why did he do it?
Why did the other guy do it?
Why is this affecting me?
Why can't I just forget?
Why do I have to accept that this has happened?
What did I do to deserve this?
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Scribbles from on the road
'You have to get up and face them every day. You have to pretend he didn't hurt and destroy you the night before. Look into his eyes. Watch him grin. You have to be nice to him. You have to let him hold you in his arms and tell him that you love him.'
'No one helps you. No one comforts you. No one tells you it's not okay. No one stops there. No one cleans up your blood. No one'
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Latest Entry
Memory - Truth or Dare
He said it was a game. A secret game. I was 9 and my sister was 7. He, my brother, was 12. There had been a lot of change in the family in a short time. We moved to a different part of town with different schools. My mom went back to work and my dad went back to school to study for a new career. As a child, everything felt chaotic. My parents were so busy with work and school that it felt as though they did not have time for us anymore. I felt lonely, isolated, and less than. I was a weird kid and had very few friends before the move. After we moved, I had no one.
One evening my brother was babysitting my sister and I. We were in the basement sitting on some old chairs. My brother suggested a game of Truth or Dare. As we played the Dares became more and more sexual. I felt uncomfortable. I did not like what he was asking us to do. I didn’t understand it. However, he was my older brother and I looked up to him. Most importantly, he was actually paying attention to me. I craved that attention. When the game was done he made sure to tell my sister and I not to share this with anyone it was our secret.
I still get angry with my child self over this memory. I blame myself for just letting it happen. I get angry with myself because i was so desperate for someone to pay attention to me that i allowed for him to hurt both myself and my younger sister. Maybe, if I had pushed back when this had happened it would not have continued and gotten so much worse.
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What is wrong with my country?
So I was looking up things that you cause use for self defense in Canada hoping to find something that could help me calm down when walking. The thing is pretty much all forms of pepper spray or stun guns are illegal. I don't want to seriously hurt someone trying to get away......... knives are allowed to be carried but bear spray in urban areas isn't allowed and you can get picked up by the cops if you have a knife and they think you're suspicious........ what is wrong with this picture?
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Latest Entry
Day Three
I really miss her.
I dreamt that she died and I was speaking to her spirit in a crowded shopping center. When I turned to my friend, she told me to let her go. She asked me if I remembered how she died, and I said yes, that her father had killed her. Something about a car accident.
I couldn't shake the grief all day.
I haven't grieved over the agony her father taking her has caused me. I haven't allowed myself to cry. I feel like, if I do start, I really won't stop. I'll cry until there is nothing left, and then I'll cry some more. So I tell myself there is nothing to cry about yet, that I can feel the emotions after the final fall of the judge's gravel, so to speak. I just need to keep moving forward for now.
I made some much needed appointments for myself that I've been neglecting. Vision and dental appointments; it's been about two years for each. I haven't really been taking care of myself lately. Having a five month old can do that, but so does going a year and a half without your eldest child, after being with them from the very beginning.
I'm tired. Not any type of tired that rest will fix. I'm not sure what can fix this type of tired, but I hope I find it soon. I really, really hope I find it soon.
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My Story
When I was 17 years old I was raped. The man was my boyfriend at the time, this is no excuse. Consent is still yours whether you're in a committed relationship or not no means no. In March of 2014 my best friend and I went on a double date for her birthday dinner. During the drive home everyone one was drinking in the car, I first dropped off her and her boy friend, then took my boy friend home and went inside. Once inside we started making out and becoming intimate. At the time I was a virgin, and he knew that. We had several conversations about if I was ready to have sex, or when I was going to be ready. Clothes came off and we were both naked in his bed, when the time for sex finally came, I said no. Honestly I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready to have sex and lose my virginity. I had said no before and he always respected my wishes and didn't press the issue. But that night things were different. He didn't say anything he just began to force himself on me. I kept saying no over and over again, and began to cry begging him to stop saying I didn't want it to happen and I wasn't ready. He took everything from me that night, my fight, my willpower, my self respect, my dignity, and my virginity.
I felt broken and alone, I felt as though no one would ever love me again because of what happened to me. I took all of those feelings and bottled them up for the past 5 years. In 2019 I decided it was time to get help and start dealing with my problems and started to grow my foundation of people I trusted enough with this knowledge. This blog will be my story and how I deal with my recovery.
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Latest Entry
Intimidation
I just read an article about bullying/intimidation. There is no worse intimidation than "r". Overcoming what happened, while not easy, may not be the hardest thing to take to task. Overcoming hatred from others for their indifference. Have you ever experienced an attitude of "I'm better than you?" when you've shared. Or have you been told, "that's a lie?" or "If that happened, why did you live promiscuously?" However, this article talked on a biblical way to deal with intimidation. It comes from The Sermon on the Mount...the most incredible sermon. I'm sharing it. I"m reaching out to a bully at work who's being 'bullied' at work by others. It's putting me in a spotlight I don't like and jeopardizing my job. I'm already a "nobody" on the floor..I can't go lower in this place. But, God is with me and I KNOW this. If loving another person enough to offer correction and encourage them to change...if that's enough, if I can do that, it may work out...and it may not. Pray for me. I need courage to face the demons. Love _POM
5 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.
21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:
34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:
35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
6 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
2 Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
3 But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
4 That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
16 Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
17 But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face;
18 That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.
19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.
23 But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!
24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
7 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
13 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.
28 And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine:
29 For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.
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Latest Entry
PTSD
Is it possible I’m dealing with ptsd from my emotional abuse, psychological abuse and sexual abuse? Is so what are the symptoms? I’m scared he is coming to look for me., I am just scared, I can’t sleep, I’m dealing with flashbacks, I don’t trust myself etc... what can I do to help get passed this? Please help me I’m so anxious, tired and afraid
