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  1. teleah
    Latest Entry

    When will i feel safe in my shower, my bath ? When will sleep not be my number one enemy ? When will a trigger just be a part of a gun ? When will I not hate myself for letting others get hurt ? When will i start protecting myself and not them ? When will i feel like a full sexual wife that does not shy away from his touch, his need ? When will i not hate myself for believing he ever loved me, i was anything but a doll to him ? When will his voice fade, not haunt my nights, my thoughts, my ears as i brush my hair ? When will i feel like a capable mom, find my voice and believe i deserve to be heard by her ? When will i look in the mirror and see a 48 year old woman not his little girl ? and When will this get better, when will i feel peace safety confidence faith in myself ? When will i heal, be whole again ?, please tell me when ?


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    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    It's gotten to the point where I'm so tired of people saying it will be okay and stay strong. I do appreciate the kind words but words can't heal. I always say i wish there was a way to change the past that has completely changed my outlook on things. It has had such an impact on my daily life. I wish there were words that could be said that could make the uneasy feelings disappear. All of these emotions all for simple night that could've been avoided. I do not put blame on myself but I do wish I did things differently. I wish the flashbacks of the night would end bt they won't. The worst part is, he probably never even thinks about the night.

  2. Moving and packing is taking up all of my time and energy right now- and it is great. I'm so glad to have something to focus on in this confusing weird time instead of being anxious. There's so many factors working against me right now but all I can think is how excited I am to be back in my apartment with my friends and getting back to a routine that I enjoy.

    I've been being brutally honest with myself about things I need to throw away/replace and it feels so good to get rid of the giant clutter mess I've accumulated since 2016.

    Nothing much else to update- gotta get back to packing. :) 

  3. Today's been somewhat productive.  

    I probably should be getting ready to wind down and attempt to sleep but instead, my fingertips are tingling; if nothing else, it's a signal that my brain will simply not allow me to sleep until I've said my piece.

    I'll start with this backstory...

    Lately, my fiancee's relationship with her boss has shifted more toward a developing friendship than strictly professionalism.  This woman is J's direct supervisor, but J is also her 'right hand,' she is in a position that is 'above' the other staff members but usually is their go-to person in the event that the supervisor is not available.  Resultedly, J has been working very hard lately - taking more naps after work and is seemingly more physically drained.  There is one other staff member that is in an equivalent position (the left hand?) but he has dropped the ball SEVERAL times - and J's had to pick up a lot of his slack. The supervisor will call J at random times of the day to vent about this, and about work and all the stupid things that the staff does, etc...and she'll also talk about happenings outside of work - specifically about issues she's having at home with her husband and her child...she already communicates with J several times a day about work-related issues - it's probably a natural reaction to call her whenever something personal comes up and she needs a friend.  J is just that type of person.  You can talk to her about anything.  In that sense, she and I are very similar people - perhaps it's one of the main reasons our relationship has been able to flourish and has become stronger than ever.  I absolutely love this about my fiancee.

    Two weeks ago, J's supervisor came here for dinner and drinks and it was my first time meeting her.  I do like her very much, she's very down-to-earth and an overall fun person to be around.  We had dinner and we downed Strawberry Daiquiris like there was no tomorrow.  Additionally, she will be attending a barbecue I am having this weekend - she's J's friend, though - I do not feel, nor do I expect to feel as if I'm 'within this circle.' 

    She recently told J that she's experiencing a large amount of stress at home in addition to at work.  And that she'd like to go for drinks after work one night.  Then, she asked J: "Would Cap mind if you took off with me for a few days and we just stuffed our faces and drank and just forgot about everything having to do with work or life for a little while?"

    J MUST have seen the raised eyebrow when she repeated the question to me.

    "It's not going to happen, don't worry about it."  She said nothing more of it for the rest of the evening. 

    So I pretended it had never been said.  But it DID bother me.  Yes, I DO think Cap would mind.

    Here's the thing....and this was the epiphany that decided to hit me like a fuck-ton of bricks while we were having our weekly cheat dinner at Olive Garden.   The scale was a little bit bi-polar this morning and I'm starting to think it's been malfunctioning for the last three weeks....but yeah, beside the point.  

    Do y'all remember the asshole I was married to?

    Yeah, him.

    Well, while married to his royal highness, I was NOT allowed to have friends.  

    Okay...that isn't coming out the way I need for it to.  He never actually made the statement, "I forbid you to have friends."  No.  His actions spoke louder than his words, even when his words hurt.  

    He casually claimed that he wouldn't mind if I had friends, but he was a firm believer of keeping my friends at a 'healthy distance.'  He made it abundantly clear to me that HE was my friend.  HE was my spouse.  HE was my lover.  HE was the one I went to whenever I had a problem.  And I tried that for a while, I called him my best friend (barf) and I repeatedly tried to convince him that he was it for me, but I don't think it worked very well.  God forbid I wanted to go to a movie with a friend - I'd first have to build up the courage to ASK him to stay with the kids while I went to unwind for a little bit.  There was ALWAYS an argument, but he'd begrudgingly let me go.  And while I was gone, he'd sit, bounce his leg, stew, chain-smoke three packs of cigarettes, go through my emails, check my browsing history, look for ANY signs of my conversing about personal matters with anyone other than him...why?  I wish I knew!  I'd NEVER stepped out on him, I was loyal and faithful to him.  I took care of his children, his house, did his laundry, his ironing, his errands, cooked his meals...and all I wanted to do was go to a movie or to have lunch or dinner with a friend without being made to feel as if I were committing a mortal sin and that the world would come crashing down if I'd actually enjoyed myself.  Eventually it became a matter of 'not being worth it' and I withdrew from everyone.

    He was my person, but I think it's because he FORCED the situation and himself to be my person.  I had NO choice in the matter.  He didn't have any friends, either (I don't think I wonder why, anymore) and so when you have two friendless people under the same roof, one who doesn't particularly have anything to say unless it's mean, derogatory, vulgar or a request for sex, it's a surefire recipe for disaster.  

    When he became seemingly uninterested in hearing what I had to say anymore, I began to withdraw...I know I've said this before.  This seemed to make him unusually pleased - because if I wasn't talking to HIM about the matters that still bothered me, I wasn't talking to ANYONE.  And if it wasn't being talked about, it no longer existed.  At least, in his warped brain, that was the case.

    The only time this changed was when he was done with me and had already moved onto someone else.

    "You should go hang out with your friends," he would say.  "Or if you want to go out with a guy, that's good, too...I'll stay with the kids and spend time with them, you just go have a good time."


    There was no more 'attention' to what I did online, nor was he behind my shoulder anymore when I had IM conversations.  He just didn't give a shit anymore, because now, he had someone else.  In fact, that was probably WHY he wanted me to do the same.  To justify his own actions, like the coward he truly was.

    So...tonight...J brought up her supervisor again.  It was actually because I sat in the car for 45 minutes before we even got into the restaurant.  The supervisor called J as soon as we pulled into the parking lot.  So I played a few (several) rounds of Candy Crush while they had a lengthy conversation about the problematic staff member they both hated.

    J did apologize for the delay and we went into the restaurant to eat.  She rambled a little bit more about work.  

    Somehow the topic of going out after work came up again.  J expressed that while she didn't feel she needed my permission or green-light to go and be with her friends (right now it's just her boss/friend) and have a good time with them, she felt badly leaving me at home (especially since I'd likely already BEEN home for the day already) and that by going out, she was disappointing me.  She also recently attended another co-worker's housewarming party (with the boss) and had a GREAT time.  She commented on how my face sort of 'dropped' when she mentioned that she'd had plans with her friends.  She asked me if I ever felt angry with her for doing so.  

    I put my fork down.  I honestly didn't know how to answer that.  Because I HAD periodically felt SOMETHING.  It wasn't anger.  But it was significant and VERY hard to explain.

    Have I become my ex-husband???? I am NOT the paranoid, untrusting son-of-a-bit*h that is my ex - I trust J COMPLETELY.  But has his twisted way of thinking somehow become an unreasonable truth, even in a small way?  Was I convinced that I needed to be the only person in her life?  I knew I wasn't - she has her sister, she now has her boss, who has become her friend.  She has me.  Her circle is small, yet it seems huge in comparison to mine.

    To tell her that it didn't bother me at all would be a lie.  And I'm a HORRIBLE liar.  And so I spoke slowly...chose my words as I went along.  

    I told her that I wasn't mad.  Because THAT was the truth.  If there was any anger, it was toward my ex.  Because he's the one who has caused me to feel this way.  It's COMPLETELY his doing.  And now his bullshit was seeping through into my current relationship - a place where such bullshit has NO business being!  I wanted her to enjoy life.  I wanted her to have friends.  I already knew that I wasn't her ONLY person - I don't feel that's the way it should be either - but it was ingrained onto me by my ex - when you're with someone, that's who you spend all your time with.  When you're married, you live ONE life, there's no room to forge additional relationships that may or may not derive from the marriage.  I know this is a hundred percent wrong.  It didn't feel right being on the receiving end of that line of bullshit - and I NEVER wanted J to feel that way - even though purely unintentionally.

    I finally (slowly) told her that if anything, I was slightly envious - because she HAD nearby friends who would call and ask her to go get a drink or to hang out.  I've just gotten SO fucking used to withdrawing from social opportunities, and now people didn't know how to approach me.  Either that, or they knew not to bother trying.  

    While I know I'm not her only, she's my only.  She's the ONLY one I feel comfortable drinking with, talking about the 'deep stuff' with.  And now she's got other people to enjoy those things with.  People who don't necessarily want to include me in their plans.  And almost automatically, that feels like a rejection.  Not particularly by them because really, they've got no reason to invite along someone they don't know.  

    * Side note - I've been working on this, though, on opening myself up to more social situations.  I've told J of the little plans I've got to expand my circle, to somehow break down some of these massive walls that I've build around myself.  I have no secrets from her and she was seemingly excited to hear that I would soon be going back to school, I'd soon be searching for other ways to spend my (too much) free time, and to get involved in SOMETHING that would distract from the loneliness that I've by now accepted as a way of life.  Loneliness that I've learned to like, in a way that is even more difficult to explain, so I'll not try right now.

    "You should," she said when I told her more about things I wanted to do in the near future, "It'll be good for you to get to know people, make some friends.  Go out, have lunch, a drink, enjoy yourself.  And it's okay to do that with someone other than me."

    THAT's when it hit me.  The epiphany, along with the side of parmesan-encrusted zucchini I'd just taken a bite out of and swallowed prematurely.

    And I just blurted out what I said next.  I don't think it was even thought out completely.  It just seemed to be there, waiting to be purged.  

    And out it came:

    "You know, that's the same thing my ex said when he was finished with me and he didn't care about me anymore.  He encouraged me to go out, make friends, have a good time with someone other than him...and now here you are, telling me to do the same thing.  It's what happened just before I lost him completely.  Right before I ended up with no one at all.  And I can't help but be afraid of that happening again."

    Although a moment of blunt honesty, it also felt like a moment of weakness. After saying that, I felt tears well up in my eyes.  I was NOT going to be childish, I was NOT going to cry!  Not in the middle of a fucking restaurant!!!! NO!

    I think it hit her at the same time, too.

    ".........ohhhh."  She nodded.  Her face was silently saying, "Got it."  Then she said she understood....and that it now made sense.  My faces, my reactions to whenever a friend calls her and invites her out, my unintentional interpretation of why SHE was now telling me that it was okay to go out with friends and let loose once in a while - everything.

    I managed to swallow the lump in my throat and told her that it wasn't her fault that I was this way.  It was HIS.  And this was something I now had to add to my list of things I needed to fix....that list of all the shit that's wrong in my life, whether it was taught to me or it was something other circumstances have forced me to learn.  

    She let me compose myself and while she did first assure me that she understood and that this wasn't what she was doing.  She firmly believed that we humans NEEDED more than one person in life.  We NEEDED a more expanded circle.  THAT was the healthy way.  

    And I think I was surprised too...mainly it's the realization of this - I've been divorced for nine years, already.  I've had nine years to 'unlearn' his bullshit teachings.  Yet, my brain is still fucking wrecked by him.  I STILL feel like it's not okay to become emotionally close to other people, even though it really IS.  I still feel like I'm doing something wrong whenever I have a conversation that resembles anything close to enjoyable.  I still see his fat, fucking face in the back of my head, I still hear him telling me that to emotionally invest in other relationships was the equivalent of cheating.  Even something as innocent as a heart-to-heart and a movie was something that would send us to divorce court.  And now it's becoming an evident problem within my current relationship to the point where she feels like she's upsetting ME by wanting 'more.'  

    And I do NOT like this about myself, AT all.  Yet, I can't easily snap out of this funk I seem to automatically enter whenever my significant other wants to go out with friends.

    For a long time, I was fine with J's and my 'arrangement.'  In our old hometown, she knew the same people I knew.  And so whenever I was invited somewhere, so was she.  We were truly a unit.  She'd go to work and when she got home, we'd go to dinner, we'd go bowling, whatever.  We were and still very much are joined at the hip and VERY rarely separated.  It's also worth a mention - she was working in a different job then, and her co-workers were not as much 'friend material' as her current ones.  

    But now, things are changing.  We've moved to an entirely different place.  We BOTH don't really know anyone other than the local bowling crew - the only exception being J's co-workers...she knows and is friends with some of them now.  I do have some acquaintances, maybe even one or two who have the potential of being true friends to us both, given the opportunity.  But when we moved, I've left behind everything and everyone I ever considered to be a friend...I'm feeling as if I'm back at square one and that feeling of being withdrawn is sometimes amplified.

    J is evolving.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, either - she is not the same person she was when we met.  We met here, in fact, if you're just tuning into my blogs and didn't know that - well - now you do.  I'm trying not to panic, as the appearance of a friend in my fiancee's life does not necessarily signal the end of our relationship.  I suppose it just means she's reached the point where she is comfortable being in social settings, while I'm still trying to find my footing.  I just hope that I am able to find it soon - before the misteachings of my ex turn me into the person I don't want to be.   

    This is just an overly annoying, yet significant ingrained fear that I have to learn how to effectively quell. 

    Okay - I think that's about all I've got on the brain tonight.  

    More next time.  Until then, I'm hoping you're all doing well.  

    Peace, love, & light,
    - Capulet


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    Every time my mother says I need to change something about my behavior or how I do things I ask why. Lately, her comments have been that I walk too heavy. Every time I ask her why it matters. Her first response is always, "No man is gonna want a girl who pounds like that." Why as women are we expected to adjust ourselves for what men want? And why is the ultimate goal to get a man? I enjoy telling her every time that I am happy the way I am and I don't need a man to be happy.

    But, the main point of this is why is society still teaching women they need a man to be happy? Why are girls still being taught things in a way that's centered around them catching a man? I fear for future generations even more if we are dependent on the other sex for happiness. I see it now with my friend who just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, she's moved right onto another guy to make herself feel valued. I refuse to base my worth off the opinions of a guy. If I'm not a successful person because I don't have a man in my life, so be it. I won't change who I am just to get a guy. Ladies, we don't need to be in a relationship to be valuable. You are awesome just the way you are!

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    I transformed this summer.  I attended a 200-hour yoga teacher training, and I found a new love of myself, a new strength in myself, a new willingness to be vulnerable and authentic, to speak my voice.  It was incredible.  Going to sleep each night after the training, I'd lay there and listen to my breath and just notice -- woah, I feel different.  It's confidence.  It's courage.  Genuinely.  No more mask.

    I am slowly healing, and that is something wonderful I need to remember as I have these days when I become triggered again and feel the setback.  Know that I am far enough in my journey that I can control my emotional reactions.

    I was brave and shared my survivor story with one of my brothers, something I've been wanting to do for a long time.  I felt strong.  I felt relief at speaking my truth, at making my voice heard.  It was an empowering feeling.  Maybe I let my guard down too much.

    There's one person who still has the ability to make me feel like a helpless child again -- my father.

    We were getting along fine.  I mean, I'm aware of my emotions and how I tend to slowly shut down around him.  He has always had a habit of telling me things he knows about myself that aren't true of myself.  Like he could know me better than me.  Maybe that's true to a certain extent, or at least one perspective of many, but he says things in a way to make me feel like the way I see myself is wrong.  There is nothing wrong with me.  He treats every conversation as a debate/argument that he has to win.  I treat it as constantly having to defend myself, and that is exhausting.  So usually, at a certain point, I go silent.  Just let it go.  I know who I am and I'm beyond seeking external validation at this point.  If people don't like me, awesome.  I don't have room for negativity in this life anymore.

    Two days later, my Dad's mood shifts a little.  He's not easygoing.  I wanted to drive, he doesn't let me (he's too old to be driving sometimes okay he's pushing 80).  We get to a bakery and my mom and I start looking at all the stuff.  I walk around a case, and he grabs my arm hard to pull me out of the way of a man: "Watch it, you're in his way."  "Don't touch me," I spit back.  There's confusion in the queue.  "Go ahead," he says loudly to the group of women standing in line behind us, "they (my mom and I) don't know what they want yet."   Belittling. Condescending.  Embarrassing.  Triggering.

    I sit in the back seat, staring out the window and the tears set in.  Dad is oblivious.  Looking around, making comments about the town as he drives.  It felt familiar, staring out the window.  Oh yeah, this was always me growing up.  Treated like a child always.  Like a nuisance.  Like I'm wrong.  But this time I can't let it go and I let go and start crying.  Something I never would have done as a kid since he would have called me a cry baby and asked me what's wrong, like really wrong.  I was a burden to him.  An annoyance. A hindrance.  Something to be dealt with.  But I let it out and my mom hands me a tissue.

    I head straight upstairs to my childhood bedroom upon getting back.  Sitting on the bed looking around the room, remembering this feeling all too well.  What did I do back then when I didn't have the emotional toolkit I do now to calm down?  I bottled emotions.  I made them go away.  I made myself dissociate so I wouldn't have to feel this pain of being unwanted to my father, unloved.  My mom tries to comfort me, but she doesn't have the emotional toolkit yet either, since she's been suffering the same emotional abuse for years, too.  But she tries, and that matters.

    I don't like being around him.  I don't like feeling unsafe.  I don't like feeling like I can't be myself.  I don't like feeling like I'm not free.  Because I'm not.  I have to be on guard around him always.  Because his mood changes so drastically, and he has no empathy, he will cut me to pieces with his words if he is not feeling happy.

    I hate that someone can still make me react in this way.  He knows I have PTSD.  He knows I was raped.  He knows, and yet still watched Law & Order: SVU around me.

    I live 8 hours away from that house I grew up in.  The one with all the ghosts and demons.  The dark secrets.

    I'm home, safe in my own apartment.  I can't go back there.  It's haunted.

  4. Survivor0509
    Latest Entry


    that's a thought that goes through my head about 80 times a day 

    I had my mom by me  grapes, oranges, blueberry's,  blue berry bagels,  granola,  an vanilla yogurt… but why what's the point of buying food when it goes to waste minutes later looking at the food my anxiety rises so high... an makes me feel so torn down today I ate some grapes lots of water an I have a small bowl of yogurt with granola an with every bite I hate myself … my medicine  usually makes me feel cold sometimes but lately I have been extremely freezing cold constantly shaking even outside.. an just wanting to sleep so I cant feel it. 

    feeling torn down but feels like I cant touch the ground.. every time I think about him getting out I feel petrified an I feel dirty .. cause he lives just 10 minutes down the road from me an knows where I live.... I feel scared unsafe an torn down.. just completely an utterly worn out just existing not living an being me..

    yesterday I had a total of four ear pricings an I decided ill get two more on my ears an ill be done.. when I was getting them yesterday it hurt so bad an gave me a flashback of him on top of me looking down at me holding my wrists down really tight crying so hard that I could see him just barley … that's the last time I felt pain may 9th 2018 yesterday when I got those two pricings was the first time I felt pain in 4 months..  I just wanna feel normal again an not always like this... when will it go away?

    why do I feel like this ?

    does it go away...?

    why does he not have to feel like this?

    he gets a room to his self 3 meals a day in solitary confinement not being humiliated doesn't have to relive an have these thoughts I find it so unfair its just like his life back home but he doesn't get to do it to anyone because there's a gate blocking him from the world … he's so good with words he's capable of even doing it to males an females he doesn't even have to be next to them just through a whole in the door an he can violate them in so many ways...  I wish he was in a room with no windows nothing … just pure blank walls an a bed an over a intercom they play baby crying noises an screaming... noises that would drive him crazy I just wish he could feel what I have been dealing with for four months...

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    You made me crazy. I’ve always been depressed due to my bipolar. But you sent me beyond that. Blacking our while driving. Having such bad panic attacks that I felt I couldn’t breathe. You gave me PTSD. This past November I couldn’t handle it anymore. I almost ended my life. You almost killed me. My fiancé and best friend had to call the cops on me. I was questioned and handcuffed in my own apartment and taken to the hospital in the back of a police car in the middle of the night. I was admitted to the psych ward against my will for a week. I pretended like I was getting better just to get out of that hell hole. I still want to kill myself some days. The only thing keeping me alive is my family, fiancé, and my beautiful 5 year old daughter. I still don’t think it’s fair that I have to continue living with what you did to me. When do I get to feel the relief of death without the guilt of hurting so many people?

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    My coffee, race and soul seem to all be the same. Black. Like a black mood persists among me. A black cloud that I just can't get out of. All day I have been anxious and restless but not feeling good due to the time of the month. And when this "time" happens, Its always a trigger in many ways. I am more emotional, more worn out, more moody, more down and depressed. Is this a disorder? Could this be something? I don't know. All I know is that I've been having somewhat of a depressive spell in the last couple of weeks brought on more by the fact that I have an anniversary coming up.

    I hate you and everything about you. I wish I didn't think about you or this anniversary. And the sad part is that I feel bad for feeling this way. Because people have gone through things like this and worse and are okay. And then here is me, this mess of a person who always comes back full circle in this order: depressed, anxious, sad, impulsive, manic, paranoid, hearing voices, and then it seems to repeat in this roundabout cycle. Right now I'm a whole lot of in the middle. Manic and depressed, functioning and not. But everything that happened was my fault anyway, I caused it, idk. I'm starting to feel sick. 

    My eating issues are trying to get the best of me. The urges and thoughts to restrict have been working on me. I eat when I eat, don't when I don't and I can't seem to stop it. Realistically, I'm sure this is causing me some of my depressiveness. But I'm too out there to care....

    Then comes the self harm. and I don't recommend it to anyone to do it, but can't judge someone because I have been doing it. I'm not proud but it is what it is. 

    Theres times like right now where I feel I could just disappear out of the world and no one would notice or care, except my fiancé and at times I don't know if that's enough. 

    Think its time to ring the crisis line and talk to them. I'm just tired. So sick and tired. Update later.

  5. AlyssaLane
    Latest Entry

    A few months ago, I was awarded an alumni scholarship from my high school. Every year they post the winners with their picture and biography. 

    In my biography, I wrote about what happened to me. I left in how I was assaulted when I was 11 and it's going to be posted on a public website where a lot of people I know are likely going to see it. 

    Normally, the idea of this would bring me to pain and tears and I would be having an anxiety attack at the very idea of doing such a thing. But for the first time in my life I'm actually okay with something like this. I think that it's important for my story to be told. 

    People need to know the good and the bad. I guess I have hopes someone will see that I'm actually doing okay and take some kind of inspiration from it. Or maybe I just hope that more people will understand me just a little bit more. Regardless, I'm happy I did it. 

    I need people to understand that I'm so much more than just some other nerdy kid that won a scholarship through nothing more than hard work. There was a lot standing in my way. A lot that I had to overcome. 

    Although I'm sure that I'm soon going to regret this decision. I'm sure this time tomorrow I'll be beating myself up for even thinking about it and wishing I could take it all back. 

    But I guess there's no going back now. 

  6. After silence
    Latest Entry

    Its just another nightmare... i dream about it again.. i can see clearly his face... i can barely feel his touch...  its make me sick!

    How can i survive like this... whenever i see my reflection on mirror... i cant see me.. the real me.. i only see the other part of me..


  7. This summer has been quite eventful for me. I completed my first college class (English 110/ Composition I) in the spring semester and got an "A". I then took English 111 (Composition II) this summer and just got my grades and found out that I passed with another "A". Both classes I doubted my abilities and constantly worried that I wasn't doing a good enough job. Others kept telling me that I was doing fine and that there was nothing to worry about. Every paper, every assignment was the same. I'd work hard on it, but never felt like it was good enough when I turned it in and then would wait anxiously for it to be graded. It was a big relief both times when I got my final grade for each class. Why can't I feel confident in my abilities? This is a problem in other areas too. I never feel like I am good enough, in my music playing, being a friend, or just day-to-day life.

    I have an exciting future ahead starting in August. I'll be moving into the student housing on campus, be a full-time student and even got a part-time job at the college. I'm thrilled about it all and can hardly wait for next month, but at the same time I've started having thoughts creep in, causing self-doubt and fear of failure to raise their ugly heads. It all seems to good to be true, almost unreal and I start to feel that it's not going to happen, or I'm going to fail at the new job and/or classes. I begin to doubt my ability to become a sign language interpreter. Who am I to think that I can actually interpret professionally?! I have this fear that my mind is just going to go blank and that I will forget everything. I fear that I won't be able to keep up in the classes or do the assignments. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the job, helping students write their papers. I feel like I am reaching beyond my capabilities. That it is just a dream that will turn to ashes.

    I know these thoughts aren't the truth and are just there to discourage me from reaching for a better life. I have friends and family that are cheering me on and are confident that I will do well. My professors thought that I'd do well at the job and wrote letters of recommendation for me. So why do I struggle with these feelings/thoughts so much?

    On top of it all, I have still been struggling with depression, which then makes me feel guilty. With all of these good things happening, shouldn't I just be happy? I continue to see my counselor to help get grounded. I also have just started to see a doctor to see if I need more than just counseling to help with the depression. The doctor is also trying to figure out why I am in so much physical pain all of the time (that doesn't help with the depression!). I'm supposed to get some blood work done as she is checking to see if I have rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia among other things. Just going to see the doctor in the first place was a huge step for me.

    And yet I can see that I have made progress in my healing from my past. A couple of weeks ago I had an encounter with a fellow student at the campus. I was working on an assignment before time to go to my class and was in a student lounge area. I had tried to get a bag of chips from the vending machine, but they got stuck and wouldn't come down. A guy was standing behind me waiting to use the machine. In the past I would have started to panic with him standing there, but I did ok and even laughed with him at the chips hanging there. I finally gave up and got something else before going over to a table to set up my laptop and get working. He left, but then came back and started talking to me. I've been trying to be more sociable with guys as my counselor has been reminding me that while there are some out there that are bad, not ALL guys are bad. He wound up sitting at my table and we chatted some about our classes. I was doing ok, though since I was sitting in a corner I felt slightly trapped, but not too bad. Also, people would walk by, so it wasn't like we were totally isolated. Then he mentioned that he like my feet and started going on about how beautiful they were. THAT was starting to creep me out a little, but again, I wasn't panicking. Next thing I knew, he was saying that he'd like to get together sometime and he could give me a foot massage. I drew the line there and told him that would make me totally uncomfortable. I then said that I really need to finish my assignment and he took the hint and left.  Not too long after some of my classmates started arriving and my thoughts were turned to our class. 

    The fact that I didn't totally freak out and have a full-blown panic attack shows that I've made progress. I think the main thing that helped was that I knew there were people around that I could get help from if needed. When I discussed it with my counselor, she said that I handled it great, that I set a clear boundary. I'd worried that maybe I should talk to the school counselor about it, but she said that since he respected my boundary and left that I didn't need to. Now if he had stayed and still bothered me, then maybe I'd need to get someone else involved.

    Thankfully the guys in my summer class were great and I enjoyed interacting with them and had no struggles. I hope to continue to form healthy casual friendships with guys, especially as I'll be around a lot more of them while living in the student housing.

    Enough ramblings for tonight. Here's to a dawn of new future.  

  8. I have been traveling for work for the past year - I get a contract for about 3 months, and work and explore and then move on. It has been so interesting and I have learned a lot about myself, but I have been lonely and feeling this yearning for security and comfort and familiarity.  That is the big struggle in life, right? We crave both security and freedom but to really have one, we have to give up the other.  I've always felt called to the freedom side of things, and whatever I've done, I've always felt like I should be doing more - taking more risks, creating fewer ties to the places I lived and the people I knew, dreaming of leaving everything behind and moving to Fiji or Norway or joining an international NPO and making a real difference in a place that needs it. Now, after only a year of actually beginning to create that life, I don't really want it anymore. I still want to see the world and have as many different experiences as I can, but I also want to have a solid home base. I actually WANT connections, I want to be 'tied down', in a way.

    So, I took a permanent job in my home state, and I am mostly happy about it.  Except when I think about like taking a job in San Diego or Hawaii or something.  Then I am sad.  I am like a dueling piano bar inside my soul.  Half of me is so happy to think about settling in a place and buying a home maybe and having like a community and a solid life somewhere, and half of me is so disappointed and just wants to keep traveling and having new experiences and exploring the world and seeing what is out there.  But I am sorry adventurous side, right now, homemaker side is winning.  If I picture my ideal life, what I see is a cute house with a yard for my dog, and someone who loves me very much waiting there for me, and a baby or two growing up and laughing and getting excited about going to the park or to Disneyland, and a career where I feel satisfied that I am making a difference, and maybe former students or clients send me letters and I have a weekly wine night with my best friends, and my husband and I are planning a trip to Tanzania and my mom will watch the kids, and when I get home at night and things are crazy I still can just stop and feel actually happy and like, yeah this is where I belong.  That is what I want, and yes being a nomad with crazy adventures and no ties is appealing in other ways, but I really think a big part of why I wanted that was that I was too scared to want this other life.  I wanted freedom and adventure not instead of safety and security, but because that is what felt most safe and secure at the time.  Trusting people? Building a life? Depending on others and actually admitting that I desired human affection? That was (and still can be) terrifying!! And it does seem a bit far fetched that I could have it, but it is what I want so I am not going to shy away from it anymore.  And yeah, life can get in the way, and maybe not everything will happen like that.  Maybe it will be me and my two foster kids who plan a trip to Tanzania.  I don’t know.  But all I can do is try and be true to myself and what I want.  And try and really listen to what my heart is telling me as cliché as that sounds.  So I’m glad to be taking a permanent job.  And adventure will still be out there, and I will see where life takes me. 

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    So for the last two nights I have been having dreams about my oldest freind from childhood J*.  The first dream I didn't write down specifics but I remember some things and then last night again. IN the first dream She and I were upsate at my gradfathers where it all happened. And in the second dream it started there though it ended where I was at her house. When I was older I dated her brother and we had a dog that  I loved with every part of me. In both dreams J* was sick, not physically, and I was trying to help her get through the issue and then I saw the dog and she came to me. The dog made me feel safe, protected, and loved. 

    the abuse I went through as a child, and the alters  that were made, I have very recently decided I wanted to work through. I think J* that I've known since I was in a crib is either representing my childood abuse or the alter the child. But the Dog and the feeling she brought up make me think its either my child alter, or my subconscious saying it's safe to be working on those issues now. Either someone is protecting me, or I'm just ready. Either way I see this as a very good sign that I'm heading the right way.

  9. Survive95
    Latest Entry

    I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting 

  10. lunarosa
    Latest Entry

    Hi, my name is Luna and my father is an alcoholic.

    Hi, Luna.

    A lack of motivation mixed with depression, a sprinkle of anxiety, a smattering of apathy, all mixed together and made it impossible for me to work after high school. That's why I'm 25 years old and living with my parents. I have to be around my father now and he is an alcoholic. 

    When I was younger I didn't really understand that my father had a problem. I grew up with uncles coming over and drinking just as much so I just thought that's what adults did. Once I was in middle school the reality of his problem hit and by the time I was in high school I was very open with my lack of respect for him because of his drinking. Sometimes, I think maybe I'm being unfair. That he has a problem, that it's a disease. That's what everyone tells me (my siblings the kings and queen of all enablers) tell me that he has a disease and that's why he drinks. I know it'd be extremely problematic and close minded of me to say that I don't think alcoholism is a disease because I myself have never struggled with a substance abuse problem so I can't really speak on that. 

    It doesn't take away the pain and embarrassment of his drinking. He reeks of alcohol, he goes on drawn out rants about any little subject that he can latch on to and he yells and screams and whenever he starts I feel like I've aged in reverse. The minute I get a whiff of alcohol on his breath and he starts yelling I feel like I'm seven again for some reason. He's the reason I hate when people yell at me and I immediately start to cry when anyone raises their voice at me, it's embarrassing but it's almost involuntary. 

    My father never hit me he never did anything bad to me except yell and drive me around while he was drunk and say things that hurt me while he was drunk. Once, when I was a teenager, we were driving back from my sister's house and he kept driving up on to the curb because of how wasted he was. My mother and I were both terrified and I asked him to please slow down and try to focus on the road because I was afraid we were going to crash and die. He scoffed and told me he wished I'd die, wished I'd kill myself. He probably forgot what he said as soon as he said it. And everyone seems to think that alcohol is an excuse for never apologizing or being aware of the things that you say to hurt people. He's beginning to have health issues now as a result of his alcoholism and I don't want him to die. Part of me feels so horrible for feeling like I care less and less though. He's hurt my mother so much, not physically but with words and actions. He's hurt me the same way too. I'm tired of living in a home where I'm afraid to leave my room because I don't want him to start screaming at me or provoking me to get in to an argument (which he seems to love to do).

    I'm pissed and sick of this and sick of him and I'm not supposed to feel that way because he's my dad but sometimes I hate him. 

    I just want to disappear right now. I just want him to stop drinking. I just want to move out but I want my mom to be OK too.

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    Latest Entry

    Since I started my healing I have good days, bad days, and days where I'd rather lock myself away with a blade and go to town on my own legs. Healing started when I told my husband my whole story with nothing left out. First time in my life i let someone in and for him to be angry with my rapist made it so much more for me. The things he's telling me were so milder than my own thoughts of hurting the one who hurt me for years. After I told him it took a few hours for me to realize that I finally did it and when I did it all came pouring back like a movie. My little cracks I made to let him in shattered and I couldn't pick myself off the floor. I broke into a million pieces sobbing uncontrollable and when he found me all he could do was hold me until I stopped. When I finally calmed down the inside of my body was fighting, throwing things, and screaming all while the outside was empty, cold, and silent. Since that night I can't go to sleep with the lights off, the nightmares have slowly started to get better, I still wake up in the middle of sleeping in panic searching for my husband. A few days later I sat down with my dad to ask the questions iv had for years but always to scared to ask. Talking to him helped alot with our relationship because I was told he knew about all of it and like my mother allowed it. He didn't know at all and I'll always remember him saying you never truly know what is going on with the people closest to you and crying. It took me about 15 years after it ended to finally let someone know my pain I live with daily. Thank you for reading. 

  11. Exdancer1986
    Latest Entry

    I delivered Forrest Vincent Luce on June 28 2018 at 8:47 pm. He was 7 lbs 3 oz and very healthy. He was a little early but I didn't mind; i was very ready! I didnt get pain meds, there wasnt time. I went from early labor waiting on contractions to Oh NO I have to push and the doctor isnt here yet! It was unbelievably horribly agonizingly painful. The pain snuck up on me and I was hyperventilating. I didnt go into a flashback thank the gods. I kept looking at Forrest for support and he was strong, a rock that I sorely needed. I pushed for an hour and he was finally out in a gush of fluids and an explosion of fiery pain. He was so beautiful and precious to me from the second he came out it felt like in the movies where they show that instant divine inspired mother's love for her newborn. I didnt feel that with my first, considering i fought through a flashback to push him out. I did grow to love him that way over those few days in the hospital. Little Forrest is smart, very alert and always scrutinizing, beautiful and healthy, strong; hes rolled over twice and lifts his head for an average of 10 seconds each time. I am so proud of him already! 

    His daddy has been astronomically helpful sweet loving and responsible. Hes been posting pics of him on fb everyday since he was born.

       It seems something fundamental did change inside him when he saw his son being born. Hes been treating me right lately. His respect for me has risen. I am almost healed enough for him to go back to work. We have a dr. appt for little Forrest on Monday. Poor baby I think he has thrush so it has been difficult the last few days to nurse him. He is such a good baby though, he only cries when he is really hungry or frustrated. Let us hope that continues. 

    I am even more convinced that he is my reason (along with Damien) for accomplishing all my goals like graduating with my doctorate paying off my debts getting a nice big place etc etc. I am hopeful and strengthened staring at him everyday in his innocent trusting sleep. I am determined to raise him as good as i can, that he will be a good person, successful and happy and strong. 

    I cant write anymore right now because Im crying tears of joy.. I have a letter i wrote for him before he was born I will share when i get back on.. 

  12. I feel like I am constantly being handed lemons lately. Every time I turn around there is one issue or another. Work sucked so I changed jobs but right now that os a huge question mark. From the training to the test to the calls. It was a financial hit too. Thought we could manage that but the universe seems to think differently. I tried to manage that with a vehicle that required less maintanence. 2 months in and I am looking at a 1600.00 repair bill.

    It just feels like every thing I try to right goes way wrong. Right now, I am just fed up and tired. Whatever karma has planned is a slow painful revenge. I like my revenges quick. More time to recuperate.

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    Sorrow but grace

    Paced but laced- with the pain of a dozen deaths , but no rest must face. The willows cover my discrase I chase. Secrets buried under the willows there are so Manny how can one loose there soul in a dozen selves. I shelved and hid placed right off the grid. 

    I'm found but finding . losses its blinding the things said and did. No blame hate f@me tons of shame 

    This no name hunkered in ambers .a wrapper sparks light the dark ,

    Musty sent. Then I am sent replaced with a self that can disotiate/ replace

    flint avoiding contact, might ignight.

    That's contright, gotta fight. Have. Three hours sleep left goodnight.



  13. People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. 

    Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. 

    My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be.

    What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I felt.

    I realized this addresses the same thing as what people say that i mentioned in the beginning. Meaning, how I proceed does not depend on the one who hurt me. It's not about being my fault.

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    A couple of days ago I started caring for a little kitten that I found outside. He was the most adorable kitten ever.I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. He was super fluffy and his eyes were two different colors one blue and one green and he would always cuddle with me while i sat on the sofa. This morning he became completely unresponsive and a couple of hour later he died. I'm thinking he probably caught some disease from being outside around a bunch of sick cats. It just breaks my heart because I'm so tired of watching animals die especially kittens. Ever since I was a kid I've always been around stray cats and I've had to watch them suffer with horrible diseases and wounds. And it makes me sick cuz there's nothing i can do. I don't have the money to take them to  the vet and the pound won't do crap. If you feed them than its your responsibility is their motto so what am i supposed to do let them starve? I just wish there was some free animal care place that would volunteer to treat stray cats and dogs around here. Like get them fixed and neutered and give them shots. Im tired of watching these cats suffer. All the cats around where I live are sickly. One can hardly eat and i have to feed him eggs and canned food every day cuz his teeth are so bad and another gets pregnant constantly and all her babies end up dead. My neighbor and I wake up to dead kittens in our yards. I just wish there was something I could do.

  14. Leia Skywalker
    Latest Entry

    I had to fly recently, which I hate but it wasn't until I was on the plane when I realized the main problem. I would have a layover in a state that I had never been to but my abuser lived in. I knew that it wouldn't happen, but even the .0001% chance was too much for me. I wanted to leave as soon as we could and never come back to this place.

    Being close was too much, it feels ridiculous that just being in the same state as him again was enough to send me spiraling but it was. I was a wreck, and I couldn't tell anyone.

    I was traveling with a group, a group who doesn't know my story other than that I was passionate about domestic violence and sexual assault laws, they never knew why.

    Later in the trip, there was a party we attended, it was crowded loud and out of control. I stuck to the edges and stayed out of the action.

    I am not claustrophobic just scared of being too close to someone.

    I didn't use to be this way, I used to love to be near people, to be in a close circle with people. But that idea is too much most days. Some days I have a good day and I am in the right place to be close, but more often than not I am not.

    I feel broken, brushing people off and getting angry when they don't understand. I know its not their fault.

    It's not theirs, or mine

    Or at least that's what they keep saying.

    Everyone always tries to reassure me by telling me it isn't my fault but that isn't the problem, the problem is I still feel scared and unsafe to the point I push people away.

    Everything feels too close, too close.


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    About two months ago, I remembered what happened to me...what happened, happened 11+ years ago. I was sexually assaulted by a close friend. Now I am just trying to learn how to cope with it, and get better. At first, I had nightmares 3 to 4 times a week. There was a time when I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn't want to relive what happened to me. The nights when I have a nightmare, I wouldn't sleep well. I was anxious and depressed all day. I had to hold back the tears at work, it was draining pretending like nothing was going on. I sleep a lot because I get so tired from doing the simplest things. It's so frustrating, I hate being so tired all the time. I am still dealing with a great deal of anxiety, it's just not as bad. My therapist thinks it's because I spend so much of my day anxious, and a just crash at the end of the day. Now I only have a nightmare every couple of weeks. I haven't had one in about two weeks. I hope it stays that way...even though I have my doubts...

    Usually, I am REALLY careful about what I watch, so I am not triggered. My husband even does what he can to read up on shows and movies, or even watch them before I do with him, to make sure I am not going to be triggered and tells me about it. He even fast-forwards through scenes that he knows will trigger me. I am SO thankful that he does that.  

    A few days ago, I had my first flashback...my husband and I were watching a TV show, and a rape scene came up (that he didn't know was coming, he can only do so much). I broke down crying, it felt like I was reliving my assault. I knew I was safe, I knew I wasn't being assaulted again. That didn't stop the emotions from coming in full force, it felt like I was 17 again. LIke I was there, being assaulted again. Ever since then, I have been even more tired than usual. I haven't been able to pull myself out of this funk...I hate it...I hate feeling so broken...

    It feels like I am taking two steps forward one step back...like I am never going to get better...I hate feeling so broken...

  15. howlieowl
    Latest Entry

    Im sitting up the night before my first therapy appt. (again), can't sleep so I'm reading articles from the day. I come across this https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/13/sarah-mcbride-gay-survivors-helped-launch-me-too-but-rates-lgbt-abuse-largely-overlooked/692094002/ and i felt it touched home for me. now i know i shouldn't be reading this stuff, which i didn't in a way. it was more the headline spoke to me of my situation. it wasn't long after i came out in college that my r*** happened. the people in my circle knew and were cool with it, though i will say this sorority i thought about joining was homophobic so i passed. nevertheless, for the most part i was accepted. the guy who did what he did asked me that night if it was true that i was gay then proceed to i guess prove if it was true or not. even as my previous therapist told me that is what probably happened, i still couldn't believe it, nor accept it. but seeing this headline set off a light bulb in my head. sometimes things need to be heard from more than one source before the mind can accept the truth.