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I am not sure how to begin writing. The perfectionist in me wants to ensure I sound eloquent, creative, interesting, and intelligent. The voice in my head is telling me that nothing I write will be good enough. It will not have any value so why even bother. The voice is telling me I will fail. The fear of failure is paralyzing. It keeps me stuck.
I cannot promise that my blog will be a work of art. However, I can promise it will be honest and authentic. I am writing this blog for myself. I am writing in order to process and heal from my trauma.
In the fall of 2009, I was a junior in college. I was obsessed with the idea of getting into medical school and becoming a physician. I needed more volunteer experiences to improve my chances of being accepted. At the time, I was volunteering at a suicide hotline, big brother big sister, a hospital, and with habitat for humanity. For me, the next logical volunteer experience was with the local YWCA as a sexual assault advocate.
The 40-hour training on sexual violence was filled with statistics, research, and information on sexual violence. Additionally, it provided training on how I, as a sexual assault advocate, could help individuals that had experienced sexual violence. As a volunteer sexual assault advocate, I answered a hotline for survivors of sexual violence and accompanied women to the hospital after an assault. I was passionate about the work I was doing to help these women and devastated that there was a need for this service.
The training and volunteer work opened my eyes to the horrors and detrimental effects of sexual violence. Consequently, it also brought back the deeply buried memories of my own abuse. During one of the classes we were given an assignment to depict a road map of our life. On a large poster board I mapped out significant events in my life both good and bad. This included the typical stuff such as birth, graduating high school, moving, and starting college. It also depicted a sexual assault I experienced at the age of 17. I stood up to present my poster board to the class. I had left significant amounts of my childhood blank and skimmed over it as I was presenting. As I looked at the blank section of my board that stood for ages 9ish through 11ish a heavy darkness came over me and I was briefly unable to speak. I quickly completed my presentation and returned to my seat. Once in my seat I began sobbing.
The memories came back in pieces. Along with this new realization that what he did was wrong. The pain, guilt, and shame consumed me. These memories and emotions that my brain kept hidden from me were being ripped from their deep hiding place and pulled into my conscious awareness. It was unbearable and I began spiraling into a deep depression.
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So I was looking up things that you cause use for self defense in Canada hoping to find something that could help me calm down when walking. The thing is pretty much all forms of pepper spray or stun guns are illegal. I don't want to seriously hurt someone trying to get away......... knives are allowed to be carried but bear spray in urban areas isn't allowed and you can get picked up by the cops if you have a knife and they think you're suspicious........ what is wrong with this picture?
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So I went to my second therapy session , I plan on doing this once a week for at least a year .
we started talking about some to childhood memories and she had me walk her through a couple of them that I told her before about . and she asked me what emotions I felt when I recalled these memories . None .
I went though the memory of me walking in the kitchen with that gun to shoot my stepfather . And she asked me "what emotions did you feel when you did that" . There's absolutely no emotion attached that memory . She asked me how do you think you felt , I said imagine fear and anger .
It seems weird to me that I can call up what few memories I have of my childhood and there's absolutely no emotions attached .
I guess it's something we're gonna have to work on .
And as for the situation with my mother , the land line is tied in. the nursing home let me talk to her on the 16th . My brother is still refusing to return the phone . As far as I know he hasn't given her her cell phone back . I'm going to call her tomorrow and see what's going on. He visits her on Saturday so I'm not going to call while he's there.
She told me that he's emotionally abusive when he's there , that he's a control freak and everything has to be done his way . She's telling me she doesn't even argue with him anymore she just does what she's told . And every time she talks about a memory he calls her a liar . When me and him were still talking I mentioned that she told me about memories that I remember . And he was trying to convince me she was just lying about stuff and that I don't really remember it .
I was supposed to hear from APS yesterday but I didn't . I'm going to call them Monday afternoon if I don't hear anything to see what's going on . I believe they opened up a formal investigation .
My wife reported the phone stolen to the police department of the small town he lives in . They're not sure if they can do anything about it .
I really miss her.
I dreamt that she died and I was speaking to her spirit in a crowded shopping center. When I turned to my friend, she told me to let her go. She asked me if I remembered how she died, and I said yes, that her father had killed her. Something about a car accident.
I couldn't shake the grief all day.
I haven't grieved over the agony her father taking her has caused me. I haven't allowed myself to cry. I feel like, if I do start, I really won't stop. I'll cry until there is nothing left, and then I'll cry some more. So I tell myself there is nothing to cry about yet, that I can feel the emotions after the final fall of the judge's gravel, so to speak. I just need to keep moving forward for now.
I made some much needed appointments for myself that I've been neglecting. Vision and dental appointments; it's been about two years for each. I haven't really been taking care of myself lately. Having a five month old can do that, but so does going a year and a half without your eldest child, after being with them from the very beginning.
I'm tired. Not any type of tired that rest will fix. I'm not sure what can fix this type of tired, but I hope I find it soon. I really, really hope I find it soon.
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I have never thought that I would be able to be controlled, cant think of a better word, by someone else, let alone not realize it was taking place. I was so very wrong with this thought. I don't know how many times I sat and seen others go through that and always said I wouldn't let that happen or that would never happen to me. Well....it did!! I have I guess you could say an online support group/system. One day I signed in and someone sent me a picture of a teddy bear saying giving you hugs. I thought it was cute and was down at that time so I made sure to thank the person for that kind gesture. Well, this went on for about two weeks log in new picture. One day this person actually decided to talk, well type, to me. They seemed very caring and supportive. The way it was put to me, was that this person rode in like a knight in shinning armor, I did not see that, I was just greatful for the support. We started talking more and more every day. We talked about random things and some serious things. Then it I guess took a wrong turn and I didn't realize what was going on. They started to give me I guess orders but I took it as just trying to help me. I had to change my profile and set it to private and then was told who to allow to see my profile besides them. I put someone that I had been talking to on it and they totally filipped out and was told to remove and block that person. they kept telling me they were trying to help and protect me and these are the only people that are safe to talk to. One night a lets say "CREEP" messaged me. I became terrified because I was having my life threatened and had no clue what to do to get rid of the person so I could feel safe. I turned to this particular person for help. They in return went to someone else and finally was told how to block him from any further messages. I was really shaken and began to question the people I had turned to and talked to, I felt like I didn't know who was "safe". So, they went and told several people not to talk to me that they were the only one that could help me and in time they even got me believing it, not sure how or why. Well the behavior just kept escalating slowly and I wasn't seeing a problem. Another person did however and immedently took it to the admin. I ended up getting a message from admin. I was scared when I saw who it was from because I thought I had done something wrong. (fun fact you don't tell someone with anxiety that you need them to be calm while reading some.. nope that throws up red flags and am unable to be calm.. not a good idea). I finally opened the email and read it. They had stated that several people were concerned about me and this other person because they seemed to be "controlling" my every move. The admin had done a safety check and became very concerned, I wasn't because I wasn't seeing this happening they were just trying to help me is what I continued to tell myself. Admin wrote down what was going on that was controlling.. even to the point where I asked if I could go to the bathroom or go to bed. I always apologized to them and so much more. They wrote that they needed me to picture a scene that this was going on to someone else and asked if I would tell another person that this behavior was safe and appropriate, and there is NO way on this earth I would tell someone else that it was healthy and ok. Admin asked me to talk with my therapist and get her opinion on if she thought it was healthy or controlling and corecieve and I did. After a lot of rereading the message and a ton of thought I finally decided that I needed to get away from this person. So, admin had offered to let me change my identlty as a whole and continue from there, they don't accept multiple accounts so I figured it was serious enough that I needed to. I made one final post that said I was leaving the site and in essence became a "new" person. I do struggle to think if I made the right choice because I know by me leaving I hurt the other person and that saddens me I don't want to hurt others and I know I can be challenging to work with and they took so much time to I thought help me. it makes me sad because it did happen and had said it never would. I am very disappointed In myself for not seeing the signs. I have ended up having to change profile and stop using my original email account.
I don't know if im trying to say something I think I just wanted to put it out that even if you don't think it couldn't happen to you, it can and this was a huge wake up call for me. I am still tryin to grieve the loss of my brother and cope with the emotions of seeing my daughters graveside for the first time since I buried her. it has taken a toll on me but this to shall pass right?
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When I was 17 years old I was raped. The man was my boyfriend at the time, this is no excuse. Consent is still yours whether you're in a committed relationship or not no means no. In March of 2014 my best friend and I went on a double date for her birthday dinner. During the drive home everyone one was drinking in the car, I first dropped off her and her boy friend, then took my boy friend home and went inside. Once inside we started making out and becoming intimate. At the time I was a virgin, and he knew that. We had several conversations about if I was ready to have sex, or when I was going to be ready. Clothes came off and we were both naked in his bed, when the time for sex finally came, I said no. Honestly I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready to have sex and lose my virginity. I had said no before and he always respected my wishes and didn't press the issue. But that night things were different. He didn't say anything he just began to force himself on me. I kept saying no over and over again, and began to cry begging him to stop saying I didn't want it to happen and I wasn't ready. He took everything from me that night, my fight, my willpower, my self respect, my dignity, and my virginity.
I felt broken and alone, I felt as though no one would ever love me again because of what happened to me. I took all of those feelings and bottled them up for the past 5 years. In 2019 I decided it was time to get help and start dealing with my problems and started to grow my foundation of people I trusted enough with this knowledge. This blog will be my story and how I deal with my recovery.
There's so much to update on but this week, the words elude me. I guess I will just write, though - and see what flows.
To start things off, we once again are hearing the pitter-patter of little paws in the house. J has been feeling lately that void where Dexter used to be - he was her comfort, he always seemed to KNOW when she needed a cuddle. So we adopted Salem - he's an 8-week old, all-black kitten. Accompanying him is the plenty of scratches and teeth marks up our arms and legs - but all in all, we're happy and he's setting into his new home nicely. He's not Dexter - nor will he ever be - but in some ways, he's already channeling our buddy, who will officially be gone two months on Thursday. It still seems so unreal. It IS, however, bringing content smiles to my beautiful wife's face, smiles I have not seen in a while. If she's happy, I'm happy - and I gotta admit, the little guy IS cute!!
Oompa came to visit, as promised. I mentioned a couple of blog entries ago that she wanted me to 'greet' my uncle at my nephew/niece's birthday celebration - I chose not to. My mother wasn't happy about this and stated that when she asks me for 'favors,' it's usually for a reason. I asked at the time WHAT possible good reason there EVER could be for me to say hello to someone that I loathe. She couldn't supply one at the time; she was likely at my sister's house and there were roaming eyes - so she said she'd tell me when she came to visit.
Well - that visit came and went - and the only thing I was left with was a headache that lasted for two days post-Oompa departure. While she was here, she tasked herself with the cleaning of my kitchen - (apparently she decided that my kitchen had excess 'clutter,' something that HER kitchen is not completely devoid of, nor was it ever!) and working on a blanket that she brought with her to crochet. When she's at home, all she does is complain how tired she is - granted, she takes on way too much and this is her own fault - but when she's here, she won't go to bed until after 11. (Yes, you may insert the moaning and groaning here!)
While she was here, she wanted to watch an episode of SVU. Now, I don't watch this frequently - if it's on and there's nothing else of interest, I'll watch it - but I honestly lost track of the show during the Stabler days. Anyway, my mother watches it weekly and did so on Thursday night - "watch with me," she said - so I did - but only because she'd be going to bed after and THEN I'd have my peace and quiet.
Anyhow, this particular episode - a man was about to get married and someone stood up in the church when the minister said, "speak now or forever hold your peace." The woman who stood claimed, in front of all of the guests, that the groom had raped her. I won't get into details in case any of you watch SVU and haven't seen this episode - but the accuser was investigated thoroughly, and my mother's commentary throughout was, 'oh, she's lying,' or 'I don't believe her.'
As it turns out, the woman wasn't being 100% truthful, but she was also not lying. It's something you'd have to see to understand the full story of - but to hear my mother repeatedly invalidate this woman's words - it just further solidified that I can never - EVER - share with her. Not about her brother, not about the isolated SA experience that further changed me. None of it. Instead, I have to pretend that I am unaffected by sexual assault; I have to shield from her, from most people around me, reasons for my being the way I am. I am just not safe to emerge from behind that shield, yet. I wonder, though, if I ever will be.
I'm also momentarily propelled back into childhood when my mother would tell me that I lied, I made up stories. For her to invalidate a fictional character was telling me that she was also invalidating ME - and so, even though I wanted to scream at her, I kept my mouth shut and 'put it in my sleeve.' In a way, I'm GLAD she said nothing about her good-for-nothing brother - at this point, the anger I feel has bottled up over having to see him recently, (being asked to say HELLO to him, too?) is invalid because I'm a liar, too, just like this woman on television, and I made up a story when I was six years old. If Oompa is of the self-imposed mindset that I made this up as a young child and is OKAY with that belief, then there's no changing it now, nor any motivation to try changing it.
Come to think of it, perhaps this is why, for a full day after she left, I was feeling as if I was carrying a boulder (that was my head) atop my neck. It was like there were a marching band making its rounds through my brain. The throbbing was AWFUL. I am glad to say, though, that has stopped and I'm feeling MUCH better and calmer now.
SAAM (Sexual Assault Awareness Month) is in full swing, here - got the heads' up from M that this month's group would have to do with SAAM and we'd be designing and making Take Back the Night signs in Art Group tomorrow (Tuesday).
During the last several days' Mets games, I've been making loom bracelets in between pitches - I now have 20 of them - to distribute among the ladies at Art Group when I go tomorrow evening. I think they'll love them - and I'm only wishing I could have made more. I probably would have, too, had I not run out of the color I needed - but I felt that SOMETHING needed to be done to spread awareness. I've NOT participated in the #metoo movement on Facebook, even though a part of me did want to. I've not posted anything on social media that could be interpreted as, "I'm a survivor," and no, it's not because I'm ashamed. I've just got eyes (Oompa's, my kids', other family members') on my social media accounts (even if it's just Facebook and a somewhat-abandoned Instagram account) that I don't want seeing this side of me that I've chosen to keep private. With what I've mentioned of my mother above, I do know not many would blame me for doing so, but at the same time, I feel angry that I've had to hold my tongue for so long, and that my reasons for keeping silent are for self-protection - I certainly don't wish to protect the man who raped me; he SHOULD be exposed for the animal he is - especially if he's living the good life that I know he doesn't deserve.
I went through HUNDREDS of black, white and teal rubber bands and although after the first two or three, the rest were woven in autopilot mode, I did do some reflecting as I put them together. I'm going on 23 years since I was SA'd. Yet, it still lingers, it still stings, it still tarnishes thoughts that would otherwise be beautiful. Yes, time has been good to me in the sense that some of these thoughts have lessened and I'm in an overall good place with all of it - but there's still the occasional reminder of that night. I'm not even talking about the CSA that happened prior to the rape, I'm referring back to that night in 1996 when I'd be forced down an alternative path, one that was unmapped and held nothing but uncertainty.
I've also decided that in synchrony with going back to school and getting my Bachelor's in Social Work, I will also be exploring other ways of getting involved within my community. I feel that I have spent enough time silently acknowledging that I am a survivor. It is time to embrace the fact that I am not just a survivor, but one that is ready, willing, and able to interact with other survivors - even if on a peer level first. I think I've kept this part of my life private for FAR too long - and it's time to emerge within my community as a 'known' survivor, even if it means continuing to keep my mother in the dark. It's easier to do this now that I don't live so close to her and I've effectively managed to keep her at arms' length.
I've expressed a desire to M to, when the time comes, do my internship at the Women's Center where the monthly groups are held - and have made it known that I would like to volunteer there, as well as eventually apply for a job there. She will be letting me know when I can speak to their volunteer coordinator - in October, it will be one year since I joined them at the center for groups, and that's the amount of time you need to be affiliated with them in order to be considered for volunteering services.
You know what's messed up, though? In a small way?
I did tell Oompa my plans to volunteer at the center. And I told her that it was in preparation for the line of work I'll be going into once I've got my degree in hand and that they offer the training class to their volunteers for free - non-volunteers needed to fund this training course out-of-pocket. She did ask why I would be going to a place like that or getting involved with them - and to tell her that it was because I wanted to eventually WORK there and not because it was because I BELONGED there - seemed...I don't know. Like it was the truth, but not the whole honest truth. I don't consider myself a dishonest person but to put it that way...it feels wrong. Does that make sense?
A little? Not at all? Is my brain just in overdrive, per usual?
For those of you who are observing SAAM alongside me - know that I stand next to you, whether or not you're observing silently. I support you this month, and every month. I believe you. And I am sending you one of my handmade loom bands, even if I've got to do it mentally.
Anyway. Just wanted to empty off some of this chatter that is swirling within my brain. I do think I'll be back within the next few days with another update, especially after tomorrow's Art meeting.
I am hoping everyone's having a fantastic day in your parts of the world! Spring has officially sprung here - it is LOOKING like we are done with snow and 50-60 degree weather is here for at least the next ten days. But living where I live is anything but predictable and that's subject to change. Hoping not, though - I'd REALLY like to break out my outdoor furniture and get the back yard 'barbecue ready!'
Until next time. Sending y'all lots of love and hugs. If you don't want the hugs, kindly pass 'em onto the person behind you. I won't be offended.
I just read an article about bullying/intimidation. There is no worse intimidation than "r". Overcoming what happened, while not easy, may not be the hardest thing to take to task. Overcoming hatred from others for their indifference. Have you ever experienced an attitude of "I'm better than you?" when you've shared. Or have you been told, "that's a lie?" or "If that happened, why did you live promiscuously?" However, this article talked on a biblical way to deal with intimidation. It comes from The Sermon on the Mount...the most incredible sermon. I'm sharing it. I"m reaching out to a bully at work who's being 'bullied' at work by others. It's putting me in a spotlight I don't like and jeopardizing my job. I'm already a "nobody" on the floor..I can't go lower in this place. But, God is with me and I KNOW this. If loving another person enough to offer correction and encourage them to change...if that's enough, if I can do that, it may work out...and it may not. Pray for me. I need courage to face the demons. Love _POM
5 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.
21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:
34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:
35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
6 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
2 Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
3 But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
4 That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
16 Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
17 But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face;
18 That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.
19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.
23 But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!
24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
7 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
13 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.
28 And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine:
29 For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.
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Is it possible I’m dealing with ptsd from my emotional abuse, psychological abuse and sexual abuse? Is so what are the symptoms? I’m scared he is coming to look for me., I am just scared, I can’t sleep, I’m dealing with flashbacks, I don’t trust myself etc... what can I do to help get passed this? Please help me I’m so anxious, tired and afraid
I've been writing recently about things that I accept or things that I can 'allow' myself to do, and also things that I don't need to accept, and I've found it helpful. What are some things you feel you can allow yourself to feel/do? And things you can let go of and realize you don't need?
For me, right now:
I'm allowed to take care of myself.
I'm allowed to say no.
I'm allowed to do what feels right, comfortable, and safe for me,
I don't need to justify or apologize or excuse myself to anyone for being myself and living my truth.
I don't need to take responsibility for other people's happiness.
I don't need to put myself aside to let others in.
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Sometimes when I'm sitting alone, i think of what we may have been if you didn't break me. Would I fall in love with you? Would we still be friends? Would you have been my first, the person I fell hard for and gave it all up to? I know this thinking is dangerous and does nothing but upset me because I will never know. I will never know if your kiss made light up like fireworks in the sky. I will never know if my skin tingled with every touch. I will never know because you didnt give me any choice. You didn't allow me memories. I know all of this is silly, the thinking of a broken little girl who is just trying to justify what was taken from her. I know we weren't meant to be and i know that i never would love you, I know that I wouldn't have given you such an important part of me, but i just want to feel like I have the part of me back. I want to replace what you did with a happy memory, of two kids in love, who can't get enough of each other. I will never be a carefree child again. That was taken from me and shattered into a million small pieces, with parts missing so as not to let me rebuild. The new me is scared and weak more than I am strong. The new me has memories that shadow every laugh, every smile. The laughs are as fake as the shows on TV. The kisses from my boyfriend will never truly make up for the first kiss that I dont remember. That first kiss of poison. The one that started this mess and the one I knew I shouldn't have let you take. As the days go by I know that you will be farther away. One day you'll forget this girl with half of a heart. But I will never forget you. I will always see that gap in your teeth as you're trying to impress me with the silver car and the avocado tattoo. I'll never forget your breath in my ear as you used my friends nickname to break me even more. The shadow of you wiping the blood and the proof off of my legs. I wish the memories were so easy to get rid of. I wish that every cup of wine, every shot of whiskey and every cocktail of medicine was the magic eraser I so desperately seek. I wish that bad memories truly faded as much as the good. Every move I make now is calculated and well researched. Every time I leave the safety of my home I search the crowds for you. I desperately yearn for complete freedom, the type that only comes when you take your last breath. Years may make this pain easier, manageable but not a nightmare I can wake up from. Not the mumblings of insanity. That dark in your eyes will paint my fears for the rest of for forever. The simplicity of hate is awe inspiring. The death wishes are much easier than what I truly yearn for; an acknowledgement of what was done, what you stole and an apology. This won't heal me but I just want to know you feel this like I do. I don't want to be alone in my suffering.
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I am 26 years old. I suffered sexual abuse most of my childhood. I used to stare at the ceiling and just imagine being somewhere else when I laid on his bed being violated. That was my mental escape. I had gotten used to it so I never shed tears anymore. I just accepted it as being part of my life. I used to write journals as a method of helping me cope. I had a long list of questions some of which were:
Why did you do it?
Wasn’t your wife enough?
What did I do to deserve it?
I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I was disappointed, angry and scared. The reality of what happened to me all those years only struck and sunk in the day I told my truth. I was overwhelmed with emotions as tears streamed down my face. I testified and he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. I had no support from my family concerning the abuse. No one ever asked what happened or even asked about the case.
I was suffering major depression back then. I cried almost every day replaying all the incidents I remember in my head. I cut myself, I overdosed a few times on pills. I was even rushed to hospital one night. It feels like nothing else in the world exists but your heartache and pain. I used to be angry with God, asking why he allowed it to happen. Where was he? When I was being abused over and over and over again.
I’m not telling my story to seek sympathy. I just want every survivor to know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It might seem hard to believe especially if your abuse was recent and still fresh in your head but things will get better in time. You won’t feel like this forever. One of the most important lessons I have learned through my trauma is to NEVER GIVE UP. Something I have also learned is that your trauma doesn’t define you. You determine how it helps you shape into becoming the person you want to be.
I might not be always able to post but I wish to share my experiences with all of you. Sometimes it might be incidents or just how it has been affecting my life all these years in both bad and good days. Thanks for reading. I hope it helps even if it is in a very small way.
PS: My title is inspired by the series New Amsterdam. Somehow the question always pops up: "How can I help?". And I wish to help.
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I have had this memory before but tonight it brought me to my knees, I no longer want to know TC my three to five year old, not mad at her but her memories are so awful, just would rather she go away . Tonight I was in the car, when I rode by a restaurant that had a gas leak, the smell took me back to my grandpa's garage TW.....I can hear my mom calling for me, my tiny hand is in bad grandpa's pocket stroking him and he has not yuck yet so he puts his gas scented hands over my mouth so she does not know where I am, I can't breathe, I feel sick then he pushes me out of the garage and I go in front of his store, sit on the curb, sick, scared, mom finds me, whispers I stink and I was a retard for not answering, then grabs my hand and pushes me to the car, I feel sick for the trip home and just swallow my sick so I do not get in trouble at home, I run in get sick, clean up so I do not get in more trouble, I want to hurt myself for letting myself get triggered by the gas fumes, I just want to go somewhere peaceful where I am no longer haunted by this.
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i cant stand the constant pain in my head anymore. i would rather be dead then feel this way. and no one understands. no one on here understands no one in my life understands. everyone keeps telling my to go and see a therapist... i cant afford one. and i've already seen several and they didn't help much. my last one just made me feel worse. everyone keeps telling me that i need medication. i've been on all of them and they all made me sick. everyone keeps telling me it'll get better but it never does. i've been suffering for eleven years and it's never gotten better its gotten worse. they keep telling me im not alone yet i have no one to talk to. they tell me to exercise. does nothing. they tell me to do yoga. nothing. going outside. nothing. i try so hard and inevitably i end up going down the same hole again. i pick myself back up and keep going on and i fall again and again. I'm tired of being given the same advice and of no one understanding. i know people are trying to help but it's frustrating. it's like im screaming into a void and no one hears me. i've tried everything and all of it has failed. i want to go to sleep and never wake up. and no one understands...
it's almost been 6 years since my raped happened, I still recount everything that happened that day and in a day can change your whole life. A lot of people are probably thinking what I'm doing here and why I'm in this group or shouldn't I be healed by now. Well I've put so much walls up and I was in so much denial from it for almost 6 years I denied that I got raped until all those walls came down and I stopped being in denial about what happened to me. We took it to the police, he was 17 and I was 13 when it happened but it still went to court and I was suppose to testify against him and I showed up for that day and I was waiting to do so until my defence lawyer came in the room where I was to tell me he pleaded guilty. but then he said he was high and drunk and he had an alibi, when his DNA was found it my underwear. Then we went through his sentencing where the justice system basically slapped him on the wrist and he got to walk free because he was 17 and by the time we went to court he was 18. I didn't have my parents to talked to because they wouldn't my mom told me to just get over it, my father wasn't the type to talk about that stuff. I was suffering so bad, that I self-harmed everyday. I put tinfoil on my windows because I was scared he was watching me. I knew him 3 year before he did what he did and I thought I knew him. But after it happened I blamed myself. I should have saw the signs. two weeks before that he sexual assaulted me so it had to be my fault. To this day I believe Im still to blame and i'm going to be 20 in 8 months. when my father left when I turned 18 I thought it was my fault because he didn't want a daughter who got raped so he would just ease us from his life and forget about me. now these walls coming down and denial has stopped. im completely lost I don't know what to do.
I don’t know if it’s possible to forgive a man who raped you, destroyed your life. Or a man you loved, abandon you. Both of whom caused me so much pain, I know right now that is certainly a concept that I can not imagine. But, what I can imagine is letting the anger go. I believe holding onto anger, is imprisoning yourself in a cell where you hold the key yet won’t unlock the door. I find myself grieving over my ex boyfriend, I find it difficult to accept that the man I loved, who I created so many beautiful memories with caused me so much suffering, so I don’t. I have managed to convince myself that he is no longer present, at least that part of him. I think about him a lot, everyday. Actually, I think of Both of them, they flood my thoughts, what they did to me, how, why, so many questions which I will never get answers to. a few weeks ago, perhaps even days ago that reality would have brought me to tears. But, now I feel different. This is my life, whether I like it or not, I did not have the choice to be raped, to become pregnant as a result of the attack, to have my best friend and boyfriend abandon me. But, I have the choice as to how I deal with it. Sure, it’s tough and I can admit in the first few weeks I was too overwhelmed by pain to think about anything else. I had lost control. But, I have that control back, I have that ability to make a choice, to choose what to do next. So, I choose to move forward. I have held onto anger for too long, it is time to let it go. If you can’t control the situation, challenge yourself to control how you deal with the situation. My goal is to focus on what lifted me up, not what broke me down. To live in the moment, in the pain and accept it. To flood my mind with the kindness that helped me breathe again. Not the fear and trauma that kicked me in the teeth, it is tiring to live in such a way. I know it is not possible to flick a switch and suddenly your mindset is positive and your mind at ease. It takes time. But, know you will achieve it. If you can imagine it, If you can see yourself there, you, will get there.
As I briefly visited a couple of resale second hand shops, I still had the Neiman Marcus "score feel" today. I am looking at so many Theodore Birkel-related albums on vinyl, I might as well be a 'psychic medium' or distant relative. Seriously. I have SIXTEEN Yiddish/Hebrew/Israeli vinyl LP albums that I found today.
I could not be happier. Really. These are treasures beyond treasures. In the past I'd bought a bluetooth capable turntable. I realized today just how crucial that piece of equipment is. And I joyfully loaded up each pristine vinyl LP -- even with the tinny scratch and hiss. Pure bliss.
No. You won't change my mind. I'm happy. I have SIXTEEN Yiddish/Hebrew/Israeli albums.
I will be busy. I also will insult anyone who has anti-semitic responses -- because I'm a righteous bit*h.
'k? Thx bye.
I haven't been on here in a while, but I've finally started to feel better and I wanted to share something on my blog that is for the most part positive. While my past continues to haunt me, I have learned how to deal with it. At first, I will admit I thought I had just gotten used to what I was feeling that I was never going to move on from my darkened past. A few months back, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have been trying really hard to pick up and move on. I couldn't, I had thought that I was never going to get better that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I struggled to find the positive in much of anything that was going on in my life. I will admit, I still struggle with this but not as much. During my therapy appointment this week, my therapist had pointed out to me that I had reached the "acceptance" stage in my recovery. Meaning, after the nine long months of feeling like shit all the time and dealing with thinking about the events of my assault all the time. I had finally accepted my feelings and was ready to move on. I know I still have a long way to go in my recovery, but it feels good having made some progress. Dealing with the memories of my assault has changed my life. Having to deal with depression and anxiety, finding a good dose of meds to be on, and trying new ones has been draining. All I have wanted is to just be me again or at least feel better. I finally feel like I've made a step forward in the right direction.
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Hello, I guess I'm new to this site. I just joined a couple hours ago. My therapist suggested that I look upon these kinds of forums because they said it would help. At first I wasn't sure how reading about other people's pain would help me, but once I began scrolling through the entries I felt inspired. If other people can talk about their pain and share their stories then I don't see why I can't. I admire the people who are able to write how they feel and what went on. You're all very strong.
It happened only a few months ago. I still feel very scared and hurt to talk about it. I don't even talk about it to my parents or my therapist. I try to but I'm still not ready. I really don't want to get into the details much because that would just trigger me badly and I don't want to live through it again. But for now I think this should help me slowly open up about it. Hopefully I can speak about it before April. That's when the court date is and that's when I have to face them again. I got the letter in the mail a couple days ago saying I may have to go testify against them on the 12th of April if they choose to not plead guilty. I don't think I will be ready, but hopefully this works.
All I ask to the people reading this is to share some advice with me if you want to.
How do you prepare yourself to face them again in court?
How do you get through it?
I did a bad thing. I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and just casually looking at memes, my favorite pass time. But Facebook always has your suggested friends that interrupts the memes every few post. And in those suggested friends, I saw my rapist. I stared at his photo for a moment just kind of disgusted. He looked so happy and care free. I know I shouldn't have done it but... I clicked the profile.
I didn't realize how active he had been the past few months. I thought he was still in jail or on the other side of town selling crack. He has another fake name. Looking at his profile made me sick. We had so many mutual friends including: my brother, my friend Moose, my co-worker, and several old friends from high school. I couldn't believe that even after my brother found out what he did to me, he's still his friend on Facebook. He also has a very pretty girlfriend and I'm honestly scared for her. I'm afraid he could hurt her like he hurt me.
What really pissed me off, though, were the dozens of posts of people saying to let him out of jail on his page and his countless birthday wishes. He posted tons of photos of him with all the money he makes. In every selfie he takes, he's smiling. I hate that he's so happy, considering he's made me so miserable.
The worst post was this post he made about all the "demons" he had been fighting lately. Quote: "And ive been fighting demons latley swear yall dont know what i be going thru..."
First of all, he's clearly not the most educated person out there. Second, for some reason the use of the word "demon" really irritated me. Because, yes I suppose in a sense we all have demons. But the only thing that shit head has to go through is getting through the cops so he can sell more drugs. Part of me wonder if maybe his "demon" would be guilt from what he did to me, but I doubt that's what it was. I doubt he cares. I guess I wanted it to affect him in the same way it affected me. I wanted something from the whole thing to tear him up inside, too.
But I just blocked him. I decided it wasn't worth looking at and putting myself through that. I'm fine just fine continuing to live my life without him in it.
Even now I don't really want to admit it. Even with the people, I have told, those who know from the silent watching, I am not quite sure how to talk about it. Its a place that I don't allow my mind to go to, but at the end of the night, I always am sent right back to. So this is it, this is my breaking point of silent pleas for someone to listen. The relationship that I am talking about ended three years ago when I was a freshman in high school.
He went to another school and in that way, there was comfort in people not knowing him. Not judging him based off me. The pressure just seemed lessened. He was a senior and everyone that knew both of us seemed to intrinsically like him. So when he walked over to me I felt like for once in my life I had won something. Somehow this was my shining moment to have something that mattered to other people. The first four months were great, he waited to have my first kiss on a bus back from a volunteer event. He was charming and brought me flowers, I was floating in a dream. But there is this one moment I come back to because in my mind it is the definitive moment everything changed.
Laying in my bed, he stuck his hand in my underwear. I moved his hand away, "No." I remember how hot my face felt. "No one wants to do anything the first time... you just have to let me." And I did. Then when he pulled my hand on his di*k, even though I said I didn't want to I did. Then he forced his di*k in my face and I felt suffocated by the intimacy, I opened my mouth and he forced my head down. Then when I was going on a school trip and he told me he needed to fuck me before someone else did, I pushed him off me until he flipped me around "The little games you play", I did. If I would have said no to those fingers in my underwear, I feel like this would have never happened. If I wouldn't have caved so easily he wouldn't have felt this was alright. SO when it continued for two years, it was because of this one little moment that I could have so easily ended.
Now I am stuck here three years later, broken up with my only relationship to occur outside of that hideous one. All I can remember is every time he kissed me or we had sex, I was drawn into that moment. Every time I close my eyes I think of his arms around me when I would rather have anyone else. It scares me. If he comes back, will i be able to say no? Do I want to? Maybe I deserve it, maybe this is just the fate I deserve. I have barely lived and I am already so haunted by my past I cannot feel like there is any future in love. I do not want to be alone. I am so god damn tired of being alone. I have reached out to so many people to be met with "I am sorry, that really sucks." It doesn't suck, it hurts like hell, it has been eating me up for three years and no one cares enough to sit down with me and talk. I have nightmares about him.
Just tell me one thing... It has been three years... Does it ever go away? Do you ever love again? Do you ever feel loved again? Or is this the rest of my life? Cause I don't know anymore. I am tired of feeling so unloved and telling people and no one caring. I am tired of wondering if someday I will meet the right guy that will make the band things disappear. If anyone can really listen and care without treating me like I am this foreign thing that no one knows how to touch.
I've had a difficult life so far. When i was eight i started to show the dirst signsof depression but of cpirse, my family didn't notice. They didn't notice a lot. When i was eleven i was raped and i kept it to myself for years because i was ashamed and i didn't want anyone to know. I dealt with the depression shame and disgust of my own body by myself. I Iet it destroy me so that it didn't destroy anyone else.
At 12 my father started to sexually abuse me as well aa emotionally and mentally. He accused me of things i would never do and it's still happening to this day.
At 14 i suffered a hip injury which the root problem started from my rape but of course, i didn't tell anyone that. I suffered extreme agony for 2 years, became addicted to prescription drugs which was tramadol methrocarbonal and cocodomal. I was an addict at 14. Earlier this year i had my surgery and I've been off my meds for a few months now. It's extremely hard but i know i have to resist the temptation. Truth is i just want to fall back into that oblivion where i don't remember my rape... where my father doesn't abuse me and actually wants my company just for me... where my mum is happy to see me.
Ive never had an amazing relationship with my mother... i think she's always seen me as the burden of the family, but just shortly before my 16th birthday my father was arguing with me and my mother because cominf back from our holiday i was still in crutches (i hadn't got my operation at this time) i slipped on a wet floor and hurt my hip again. The pain was blinding and i had to be given an extreme dose of my meds to knock me out on the flight. My father took a different flight home and he had demanded before we left that i was to be there whenhe was getting collected. After my fall i was sent straight home with my sister and my father was NOT happy to say the least. He caused a massive argument, valling me a w**re amoung othet things and when it all came to a head and i was sobbing i told them i was raped in the heat of the moment. I thought when i told them that i wouldn't have to deal with it alone anymore. But my mother accused me of lying she doesn't believe me and my father makes rape jokes. That completely destroyed me.
I need help i can't do it alone anymore... I've contemplated suicide and I'm trying to convince myself that it'll get better in time but it's been nearly a decade I've been suffering with depression. Im only 17.
I just... i have no where else to turn and i thought that if there was someone going through the same thing they might be able to help.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
- lonelyladybug x
Urm.. i don't what to say.. but i guess i need help.. 😢 i need someone... listen to my story.. how hurts i am.. i just can't take it anymore.. i have no one to talk to.. about what happen to me.. 😢😢
Even my family don't believe me.. i don't know who else to believe... i never ask to be rape.. i never ask that... 😢 but no one listen to me... they put blame on me..
I hate myself.. i hate my life.. 😢 i live with trauma and depression.. and it's getting worse.. i do self harm... to getting rid of that feelings... 😢
I don't know what else to do.. i feel like wanna die.. wanna run away.. wanna dissapear... i can't take it anymore.. 😢😢
It hurts me... 😭😭😭 god.. i totally hate my life... this isn't fair... what should i do... why no one trust me???? 😢😢😭😭
Told I didn't matter. By my father no less. This is an old memory, I don't know why I still remember it. He told me once that if he and my mother had only had ten kids. Then, it wouldn't have mattered if I ran away. It wouldn't matter if I fucked up royally since they'd have ten, precious children who wouldn't have done the things I did. I'll never be good enough for them, will I? I'll never be good enough for anyone and maybe that's okay. I'll be alone, with a revolving door for people to come in and go out. Perhaps I like it better that way. I never want to hear someone say those words again. "you're not good enough".