So I’ve been a member on here for quite some time. I’ve never had the courage to post anything of my own. Now I’m in desperate need of support and very ashamed to ask for it.
I have lived alone for a while now. At work, I’m usually surrounded by the love and laughter of people all day. When I come home, I’m too exhausted to even think, but in the best way possible. I feel full. With everything going on in the world, I am working from home. Alone. And that is a bad combination.
Now that
All last night I had the same dream, over and over.
The man who abused me as a child suddenly got charged (by another one of his victims) and was going to trial and I was called to testify before an entire room full of people. One of the jury memebers was someone I knew.
The judge kept asking me for details. The whole room was silent, listening to me and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even look up. I was so ashamed. I didn’t know how to tell them I had no evidence//that I couldn’t even
I don’t expect anyone to read this.
About two years ago I realized I didn’t make it up.
The feeling can all at once and it was overwhelming. Terrifying. Horrifying. I was filthy, dirty, disgusting, used goods and completely ALONE. I couldn’t cope so I pushed it back down, but I couldn’t make it stop. It was always there. Dull-fever pain. You can live with it, but it makes your life miserable.
Back and forth. It resurges and I push it down. I get triggered and I ignore it, or I t
Hey, everyone. It’s been a while.
Well, longer for you than it has been for me. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago and never posted it. I guess I was ashamed of the content in that blog. I thought it was something I wanted to talk about but, I was wrong. Having one of my closest friends tell me how wrong I was…that didn’t help. So, I didn’t post it, but I DID write it. For me, I had just released all my pent-up energy and I haven’t had much else to write about. Not until now, anyway.
Thing
I am writing this at 3am I have to be up by 7am for work so tomorrow/today should be real fun. I have been so overwhelmed and anxious/stressed lately. I have had a lot going on in life and worrying about my loved ones during this time and other normal life problems but on top of all of that I have been struggling with feeling like when it comes to my family that I will always be "The Victim" and I knew going into this and telling my family about my assault that there was a chance that would happ
Hello from me in isolation - how's everyone doing? It's the first time I'm blogging whilst in quarantine - you'd think I have all the time in the world, but even I'm having trouble getting used to a routine that I have no choice but to conform to for the time being.
We are amid some very hard times, friends. Very uncertain and very unsettling times. I've taken several steps back from Facebook and only check my feed once or twice a day - all of the COVID-19 jokes are starting to become an
It has been a long few weeks of intrusive, random memories coming back to me that I for some reason never put a lot of thought into back then or blocked from my mind for whatever reason. Plus the pieces of memories I have that don't have a beginning or an end to their story and it only makes it more confusing and uncomfortable. Just need to jot them down as I remember to make sense of my thoughts so it doesn't become too hectic in my head
I think some of this is coming from DS watching seq
I have decided to write about the individual experiences I have had with other questionable situations I was in. Some of these things have really been bothering me and I hope giving them an actual written outlet besides a snippet of "oh, this happened too but it's not a big deal" because it is really bothering me lately. I think it had been overshadowed by my more violent trauma. My head is spinning with self blame, shame, grief. I just wish I could have realized things and spoke up for myself m
This virus has caused a core subject of my abuse, shame and emotional abuse. Tw.....When I was seven our town was hit by a flood, our street was flooded and we had no water so we used a bucket for 3 or 4 days so I ended up sick, constipated, causing my mother to shame me in front of my dad and my older brother, which was my normal , then my friend Susie came over to ask me to play and my mom said not until I pooped in the bucket, I felt such deep shame, I still do, she installed that shame in me
It has taken me a bit to have the time to write this, but I am glad to be finally doing so
About two months ago, I saw a post on After Silence called "Description of Consent" and there were tons of examples of what is considered a consensual situation and what isn't considered consensual. Well, when I read the list, a few things stuck out to me. And I realized my initial sexual encounter with an old friend DJ was rape (and another sexual encounter I had was also not as consensual a
To whom it may concern,
I apologise for today's entry. I'm writing it on my phone. I've never been afraid to lose someone. Like relationship wise. I usually am with a person because they seem like they like having me around and I like having someone around. Anyone...I just figured...I dont really get feelings. At least not those kinds...or maybe I already feel them and I dont even know it!...
Then I met jill. She's so strange haha. And makes me feel so strange...she is unsocial and sca
This year has really just sucked. This week in particular has really just dumped it on. We are in the US and I know we are one of the last ones to implement changes to combat this virus, but they announced yesterday that our schools will be closed until at least April 14th. This is fine, but our jobs still exist so it's a fun little game we are playing trying to organize everything. It's necessary, I agree with the restrictions and they should probably be tighter, but it's very stressful. It fee
My birthday was yesterday and I can honestly say it wasn’t a good one. I had those uncomfortable feelings and depression creep up. I’m 25 and I feel like I have been stuck in square one my whole life and everything around me sounds like a broken record.
This is also around the time I admitted to family what happened to me.so I feel my birthdays after that day have been tainted. But while my actual birthdate may not have been good I can still celebrate and do things to help lift the clo
It's been a rough, ROUGH few weeks. I'm not really wanting to rehash on things and put too many details here, but I did want to let everyone know that things have been stressful and difficult as of late. I'm still around, though, no worries!!! It seems that no matter what's happening in my life, this remains my safe space, the place where I feel most comfortable, and where I 'escape.'
I know I've been extremely neglectful to my blog, my and to my kitchen sink, among other things. I've
So, shock to me, didn't actually discuss any of what I thought we would this week at therapy. She asked about something from the week before and it divulged into a discussion about my father and growing up. He was not physically abusive to me in any way but he's the biggest narcissistic in the world and that was very often emotionally abusive. We have a much better relationship now than we did before and he's still a jerk sometimes, all the time to my stepmom but they have been married 25 year
My husband is amazing. But recently he read my very personal, private journal without my permission; which is kind of like my blog here just more detailed and more memories Needless to say he is now traumatized and even though he is a veteran who fought twice overseas, this is what has sent him into therapy. I feel so much shame and guilt.
One thing that has come up is the fact that the one thing he knew about me in high school was that "I would have sex at school in the parking lot". I n
I haven’t had a drink in over two weeks. For being sober, I feel surprisingly numb to basically everything around me. Except self blame. Funny how that works
I am still struggling. I have gotten more ok with what has happened to me. I am starting to normalize it. However, the rest of my life so far has been extremely depressing. I can't smile anymore, I don't apply makeup anymore because I can't just get myself to do it. I feel like everyone hates me or doesn't want to talk with me. I just feel sad all the time, I hate looking in the mirror because I hate the girl that looks back. Kinda like Mulan with her reflection song. I feel fat, ugly and uncomf
A couple weeks ago I started therapy, mostly for anxiety in general that has gotten worse over the last couple years. I haven't discussed this particular event with my therapist yet. I put it on the introduction sheet as an issue I needed to work through. She went through the sheet at the beginning and asked about all the items until she got to that one. She said "is there anything else?" and I said no. I appreciated this at first because I didn't really want to discuss it that day and she can o
I try not to surrender my thoughts to you but I cant help it. I try to piece together everything you did to me but it's like I blocked it out. I understand that's what my body is doing to protect me but I want to know. I remember I was wearing light blue Jean's. The brand was vanilla star. Three buttons up the front. They were flare Jean's cause that was in style. I was wearing a blue and black off the shoulder sweater. I curled my hair because I knew I would see you. Not sure why I cared. We we
It was a cold day in December. We had just passed our one year anniversary. We made plans to do this about a month ago, but that didn’t make it any easier. I step on the bus and there he is, smile beaming like always when we lock eyes. His black roxy hat backwards covering his chocolate brown hair. His deep brown eyes sparkling, showing that the smile is pure. His 5’8 body dressed in the usual outfit. Blue jeans ripped at the bottom around his black DC sneakers. A black zip up sweatshirt with ca
For eight months total, the guy who was deployed (DS) still kept talking to me here and there, never giving up. Asking again if he could see me when he came home for military leave. This stressed me out so much because as much as I liked him, I was too ashamed to meet him in person. I didn't want him to see me. Or know me, for real. I didn't want to be taken advantage of again. Or him regret meeting me. Worse, I didn't want him to like me still for some reason and I end up ruining his life in on
