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  1. I have read so much on this site and I can feel so much of the pain being expressed by so many of the victims and survivors.  It has made me angry and I have a new calm that has come to me making it easier to live with the fact that my rapist will be out of prison in less than a month.  I feel nothing, and I am sure that he will find me right where he found me the first time, skating on the path.  This time I will be ready and prepared.  I will not be a victim any longer with a sad story.  I will be ready and this time it will go very differently, this is the only thing that brings me peace and allows me to feel happy and sleep.  I know it's wrong to say, but the courts had their chance and now I will have mine.  His release from prison will give me the chance to set things right and ensure that he never beats and rapes someone again.

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    This is the first thing I have been able to write. What happened is about  a month old so it's very fresh. I was finally able to put some words down in a piece I call "Forward." I share it on here in the hopes that it will bring me catharsis and perhaps others some help and catharsis too. 
     
    Forward
    I tell people I am managing
    I tell people I am okay-ish
    I tell people I am processing.
    I tell people I am staying busy.
     
    I tell people I am this, that, and the other thing
     
    I tell people:
    I am trying moving forward.
     
    Forward. Adverb. 
    The Origin is from an Old English word meaning "toward the future"
     
    Currently defined as "toward a successful conclusion.
     
    Try. Adjective .
    The Origin is from an Old English word meaning "sift"
     
    Currently defined as "attempting to achieve or attain"
     
     
    So what I really tell people is:
    I am attempting to achieve or attain moving onward toward a successful conclusion.
    I am trying moving forward.
     
    Emphasis on trying. 
    Because, well, because there is no successful conclusion.
     
    Not with this. Not with that. And not with the other thing.
     
    There's  no time machine to end the loss. 
    There's no futuristic tool to end the pain.
     
    The memories are there. But the rest isn't.
     
    I am trying to move forward.
    I really am trying. 
    But forward isn't there.
  2. 127

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    Tree1
    Latest Entry

    I shared my story with 47 ppl so far.. All of whom I went to school with. I hate how most of them pitied me. Yea some also said I'm brave and strong but that such a generic and hidden way to say thank god it wasnt me.  I want to make an actual difference. There was actually someone who shared their story with me. I felt so honored, its so hard to admit someone hurt you. But I have for sure taken a good step forward. I got a new job where I must speak only Spanish. I stutter a lot but they can understand me. And now I think I may start dating again. Ive only dated a few ppl in my life (enough to count on one hand) with my last relationship ending very badly. Honestly I probably shouldn't have even been in that relationship now that I can look back at it I wasn't ready for that level of commitment. I gave him my willingness virginity. It was the first time i ever gave consent. I know now I was too impulsive. I care too much what people think about me. That's also something I want to heal about myself. I still feel like crying when I tell someone no, I'm not sure if its because I think they'll hit me or because I taste their disappointment.

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    What is it like?  To heal?  To be healed?  To be free?  To run like a child once ran?  To  play?  To skip?  Is any of that possible?  Why so many questions?  Why no answers?  Why did an hour or two steal my entire life away?  My entire world?  Including family?  Why did she laugh when I said, "I forgive you."  Why, if it's really her, does she shy away from me now?  Why can't I cry?  When can I scream?  When is it enough for them?  When is God coming back?  Why do I feel like I've lost when I know I'm going to win?  Where is the little girl?  What happened to her? Why does my heart still break? -POM

  3. I've decided to work on a huge goal....going on a date. I've accomplished so much in 2017...so much more than I ever thought I would. I went to NYC, which had been a dream forever. Yes, I spent most of the trip anxious and in tears, but I did it. I bought my dream home (although it wouldn't be a dream to most people..it's a 20 acre fixer upper and I've loved every minute of working on the property and fixing it up). I've discovered some supplements that have really helped me feel mentally and emotionally stable. I haven't felt suicidal in months..my depression has been so much better, and the little things that used to send me into darkness no longer bother me as much.

    I turn 33 on Monday and for the first time in my life, I feel like I want to accomplish something professionally (although as someone working in the education field, there's really no room to move up). I find myself wanting to work hard, set professional goals and reach them, and work my way up. To what? I have no clue. I just find myself feeling determined and motivated. I don't know what my aim or goal is..isn't that weird? I feel like I am maturing at a slower rate than most people my age, I definitely feel a few years behind everyone else.

    I've been terrified to date anyone since I was in elementary school. I've been afraid of men for as long as I can remember. I know going on a date will be my biggest accomplishment so far in my life, as silly as that sounds. Even a simple date, even if it was just meeting someone somewhere to talk for 5 minutes..that would be huge for me.I don't expect "normal" people to understand that. But all of you trauma survivors, I know you feel me. And I know that if I accomplish my goal of going on a date, it won't just be an accomplishment for me.

    I hope it will be inspirational and motivational for so many others who have experienced trauma and I hope that they too, will know that healing and progress is possible.

    I hope to keep those who are interested updated on my goal through this blog. 

    Yesterday, I went to the mall after work. I went to a book store, and smiled at 3 men in the book store. It was very uncomfortable and I felt very awkward and out of my element, but I did it. None of them talked to me, but they did smile back. This is the problem..when I feel like I want to date, no one else seems interested in me.I also have to admit that I have no clue how to flirt...I always feel so shy. I have no idea how to make anyone interested in me. I am also extremely afraid that if anyone is interested in me, they will be a creepy weirdo..as most of the time, it is creepy weirdos and abusive pyschos who tend to be drawn to me.

    I also bought a few new outfits. I have been trying to dress better lately. My true self at my core is a sweatpants and t-shirt kind of girl. I don't really enjoy dressing up, but I do have to say that people respond to me differently at work when I look nicer. I also feel more professional and more confident I guess, when I dress up more.

    I have a few professional goals and ideas in mind, most of which are focused on school culture. Now, I just need to work up the courage to present them to the rest of the staff. I worry that they are silly, and naive and dumb ideas. I have always had a fear of people, public speaking and crowds. I am the girl who ran many times from college presentations in tears (yes..embarrassing..ugh). I've spent most of my life avoiding public speaking. I just want to be brave and conquer that fear, too.

    Well, I hope that you guys will share your thoughts and feedback if you want to. I will try to remember to keep you updated!

     

  4. teleah
    Latest Entry

    Today I was trigger happy, everything triggered me, feel so defeated tonight as i attempt to go to sleep. First I woke up from a horrific nightmare that stuck with me, then got the bill for hubbys breakdown, that made me think i was at fault for calling the police and should've found him myself that night then I locked myself in my room and wept, then i picked up what i thought was an empty backpack and found condoms, triggering the preteen mr to say 10 over and over until i went to the library to proofread my novel in progress when my mom taunted me in my head, Who told you, you could write ? Quit killing trees and When are you going to give up your silly dreams of being a writer and get a real job ?

    Then i went home, exhausted, defeated and my family wanted to go out for dinner, so i put on my mask and we went to dinner. Over dinner we sat by a group of mentally challenged people or as my mom used to scream at me, retard, I found myself staring at them which i hated but they triggered this ache in my heart, something i had been numb to before, but now felt so intensely i had trouble breathing, i blamed it on heartburn and finished eating as my heart was stuck when my mom would scream at me i was a retard and deserved to be institutionalized for something that angered her, my heart was remembering being called a retard most days in my childhood which i believed till i got tested at 11 when i found out i was just behind due to my seizure medication and was never considered a retard by academic standard. These emotional flashbacks caused me to feel sick, so my family had to wait for me in the car as i paced back and forth, then when i got home i curled up in a ball in my bed as my family socialized with the neighbors. After today i feel so defeated, feel like my emotional abuse will never be healed, i will never be a whole adult, so triggered to SH tonight, i want so badly to be at peace and never be triggered again, teleah

  5. I notice it regularly. I go into public places trying to combat my anxiety and do regular, everyday things that would or should be considered miniscule or simple to average people. But to me....far from simple. I open the door, I look at the available seating arrangements, my mind goes "no don't sit there" "if you sit there everyone will face you" "don't sit there and look like an antisocial weirdo" "make sure you sit at least a seat away from somebody." The thoughts are endless and I'm at a catch 22 either way. I pick a seat. It seemed like the perfect choice. Close by the desk, near nobody, also not too far from the door. I overanalyze every alternative choice while trying to reaffirm the fact that I made the best decision for my personal needs. Over time while sitting there I realized how serious my anxiety was. There was this lady and lets say her mom sitting across the way from me. Every time I looked up I swore she was staring at me just thinking some mean or negative thing about me or my appearance. Never meeting or seeing this woman ever before in my life, I tried to rationalize my crazy, outlandish thoughts and separate fiction from reality. Although it isn't always or even close to usually as it easy as it may seem. I had nothing materialistic with me to distract me from the thoughts or the other people. Normally I would bring a book, or a word search, or my phone. Anything to give my mind another escape. But I did not. I sat there avoiding eye contact and repeatedly putting my head down while looking through the same 3 papers I've already looked over a million times. I kept biting and picking at my nails. While more outlandish comments came to mind. My anxiety is something I've noticed and have been attempting to handle for some time now. However, since the incident...things have been more out of control than ever. My thoughts, my mind, my irrationality, just everything illogical seems never ending. 24/7. I don't like strangers. I don't like men. (whom I do not know) I don't like unfamiliar places, I don't like being alone, I don't like my phone dying or being dead, I don't like being starred at, observed, any of that. Then I think...maybe, I don't like me? Maybe I hate me. I hate all I've done and haven't done up to this point to bring me to where I am now. Maybe I hate myself and that's just not something that is going to change over night. I want these wild, crazy, over the top thoughts to leave me alone! I want to feel okay again, trust and love me again. Oh Anxiety, how I have struggled all this time and you've done more harm than good, I'd enjoy nothing more than to bid you farewell. Please and thank you.

    Thanks for reading

    thGTG2HZ3T.jpg

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    PearlofMary
    Latest Entry

    How do you say it?  The r word?  I walked into a house to go to the bathroom.  I was 5.  I fear there will never be security even in anonymity.  I live in a small town with 'eyes' and 'mouths" and hateful gossip...I wish I could get past it.  I prefer to wait on the Lord to correct it.  They've already tried to kill me.  Twice.

    I really want to blog this, I can't.  I will say this.  It was a miracle that kept me and my parents alive that night.

    No one wants to take responsibility for their actions so I'm blamed.  I'm persecuted in wide open places.

    Call 'her' scarlet and let the peds remain.

    Makes me sick.

  6. Claire (Surname?) is a Paedo, I was under-age and I am very angry about it. She defiled my body, mind, brain and spirit with it's diseased brain. Claire (Surname?) needs to be put in prison for the rest of it's unnatural defiled life...

  7. Miko
    Latest Entry

    Today I promise to care for myself. Eat well. Watch a movie or 2. Jog at the park. Enjoy nature. Sleep. Maybe visit a museum. Check out the courses I want to take. Read. Go to the beach. Just B

  8. I don't know. 
    I don't currently have a therapist, I'm considering restarting.

    I'd like to be able to accept it as part of me, to love myself and enjoy my life, to get past feeling guilty and obsessing about this. 
    To live, free from the little voice in the back of my head convinced every little noise is Luke come to make good on his threats, blaming me, shaming me. Making me feel like nothing I do could ever be good enough because every decision I make is affected/tainted by what happened to me. 
    I'd like to be able to talk about it, even vaguely, even online -anonymously, without panicking. I want to be able to use my experiences to support and help others.

  9. aperson
    Latest Entry

    I am giving fair warning to everyone. I. Am. Out. Of. Patience. I have none. Dont try to fool me. My mouth is bad today. If I sad it offensively. You can be damn sure I meant that way. And yes I will repeat it as many times as you need. It wont be any prettier. Just leave me the hell alone. 

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    I've been on AS for a few days now and I've been reading and posting a ton. As much as it feels good to connect with people who understand some of my experiences, it also worries me. A few years ago, I told my therapist about how I watch a lot of crime shows and I particularly enjoy watching ones about sexual assault. I've never experienced very much support in my healing and it's comforting to watch those shows and see people being helped. It's also triggering. Not in a "panicky" kind of way, just that it can cause me to get lost in thinking about my traumas. It can consume my thoughts. It can make it difficult to focus on the present because I'm thinking so much about the past. Analyzing, re-living, trying to understand. My therapist told me that it's quite common for people who have experienced traumas to do things like obsess over movies and TV shows that are triggering. It's not weird or bad to trigger myself in this way. It also isn't healthy and it is something I should be cautious of. I wonder if joining this online support group will actually help me to continue healing or if I'll end up obsessing over the darkness in my past. I've come so incredibly far from where I used to be and I don't want to get sucked back into a shitty state of mind. However, I think now that I'm in a safer place, maybe it's time to start confronting things that I wasn't able to work through before. Just a little bit at a time. But, I spent a couple hours writing about a few incidents that happened years ago and it got me really worked up. My heart was pounding and I was shaking. I was fine, you know? Safe, and coping with the emotions, but it felt really real. I came to where I am to get away from my past. I've created a new life for myself, a new me, and I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. As I've been delving into the shitstorm that is my trauma, I've felt connected to my old self and that scares me. The parts of me that are born from my struggles are quite isolated here. I have been here long enough to form some really deep, meaningful connections with people, but the cultural barrier makes it tough sometimes. It's certainly not like abuse and assault don't happen here, it's just that people deal with it differently. It doesn't help that most of my close friends are men. I've come to feel so at home here and I don't want to feel out of place.  I don't want to feel even more like I'm lying to people. Sometimes it feels that way; like I'm pretending not to be some shell of a person who was robbed of their insides. As if I'm selling this image of a strong, courageous, empowered woman and in reality, I'm weak and scared and a victim. 

    But, I'm fighting those feelings. Every day, I'm focusing on the good. I'm believing in myself and good things are happening in my life because of that. Maybe that's how I use this website. I write about the bad, I talk about the shitty feelings that come from it, and then I decide to rise above it. I decide to heal.

    It's almost 1am and I teach tomorrow, god damn it. Ok, time for bed. 

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    msmary
    Latest Entry

    1. Finish the sentence…

    Today I feel… okay. Probably from being high.

    I’m so happy I have…  a place to live in the immediate future. Homelessness is one of my biggest fears behind mob mentality and bears

    I fear…  being pitied and seen as some weak person that can't take care of themselves

    I feel challenged by… My current work situation. That I have to face what I have done and that includes making my boss feel bad.

    A wonderful thing that happened today… I began to internalize the idea that I had something happen to me that wasn't my fault that might still be deep within me.

    If I had the courage, I would… Say exactly the truth and how I feel to every person that I see without embarassment.

    Often times I wonder… what other people think of me. What they would think of me if they knew everything about me.

    My mother … Is someone that I don't want to talk to ever again if I don't have to.

    I showed a lot of strength when… When I decided to tell someone what truly happened and why I have for so long thought that it may have been my fault that it happened.

    Sometimes I imagine… Not living anymore. It's not what I want to imagine and it's terrible. It's just hard to imagine goals for myself when I feel like I'm barely surviving.

    I’m embarrassed that… I wasn't strong enough to fight back. That my way of fighting is so often to give up because I'm scared.

    My greatest achievement in life is… Choosing to be a State Tested Nurses' Aide. Holding the hands of people I loved in their final moments. The care and comfort they recieved during the end of their lives.

     

  10. ive been in a stretch with not thinking too much about my past. ive been reliving it somewhat recently. ive had encounters with difficult people, facing rejection, standing up for myself against those i normally cower from. the list continues. sometimes im successful, sometimes im not. i do know that by facing those similar events again, i do feel a little better after. the encounters when im uncomfortable around certain men hasnt changed. still feel frozen and scared and that fear locks on strong. im still struggling with my temper as well. im having reliving to deal with a mean and difficult person. typically i avoid because i dont want to deal with those types of people. but, im learning that it didnt work in the past because sometimes difficult people will be in your life. example, do i avoid going to starbucks because the one barista is an ass? do i avoid my favorite eatery because the one server was rude? i can still get a coffee and if i feel they are being an ass, step and acknowledge it. i cant keep running. i can handle what i can in small steps but avoiding is not working anymore. its leading to me adding to my rage and if not controlled it could be unleashed on the wrong person. but, ive found when i address the issues in the moment, it doesnt stay with me. and i think this leads to me not having to relive my past so much. 

  11. Thank you for everyone and anyone who reads my story. You have no idea how much peace of mind it gives me just writing my story down. I know I haven't been on here for a while so here is a little update on my life. I am getting married in 3 months!! Crazy right? I cant believe I actually found someone to put up with me. But there is something... I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I will never be able to move on from what happened to me. My mom always tells me how proud she is of me that I put that in the past and I have come so far but she doesn't know the pain I feel when I'm alone driving I the car and all I do is think. Think of that asshole and what he did and what he took away. Everyone says that you will never be the same and you will be a better stronger person of yourself but I honestly don't feel that way. I feel worse about myself I have a man that is completely in love with me and all I seem to ever do is cry and feel lonely and miserable half the time. I blame him for what he took away from me that night. I just want to be myself again. Not a new better version just me... Idk if I will ever be that again and it terrifies me..I feel like I am holding myself back from my fiancé because I am so controlled by the past. Like I cant be 100% with him because I am so scared of being hurt. Scew any guy who has ever taken advantage of a girl!! its not fair that he gets to sit there and ruin my life and get away with it! Get to walk around like nothing happened!

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    Weareall1
    Latest Entry

    Trigger  Trigger : CSA  R*pe

    So first we need background info.  At this time in my 14 year old life, me and my Best friend of all time were split, and my other best friend got into it so I was feeling alone. and that best friend was really manipulative so I was left feeling that her self harm and stuff were my fault. I was in a pretty dark place there.  Also, around this same time my parents were fighting bc they were about to get a divorce. So I was pretty desperate for attention and lonely.

    Anyways, on this app that I used to video chat with my friends this guy started messaging me. He seemed really flirty and interested in my and called me beautiful and really just interested in me. I knew he was older but I didn't know exactly how old he was (he was twice my age, he was 28). He really acted like he cared about me and was there for me when my parents were fighting or when I felt sad because of girl drama.  After about a week and a half, I felt like he was a good guy and I trusted him.

    About two weeks since he started talking to me I was sick. I stayed home and he offered to bring me food. I agreed and gave him my address, I really thought we were just gonna talk. Especially because he kept saying he wanted to take care of me.  One thing that he did that I did not realize was odd is that he wanted me to send him a picture of myself in what I was wearing. Immediately, I was just wearing old Pj's. He insisted that I keep them on until he got there. He also told me that He was allergic to dogs (I have two large dogs) and asked if I would put them up before he got there. Which I did.

    Okay the next part is where it gets somewhat graphic.  

    When he got to my house I walked out my backdoor to greet him. He looked pretty normal, T-shirt, shorts, But he was carrying a medium black duffel bag. I thought it was somewhat weird but quickly dismissed it attributing its presence to the promise of food.  Right as he came near me he didn't say a word, just started kissing me and pushing me, I fell backwards. he just picked me up and forced me inside the house. At this point I was really confused, I felt scared and uncomfortable, Unable to grasp what just happened.  I just watched as he dropped me, quickly pulling out a silver pocket knife.  He slammed the door shut, enclosing us both in my living room. He quickly stepped towards me.

    At this point I new exactly what was going to happen. I was crying, Begging him to stop, that he didn't have to do this, please no. He just rested the knife under my jawbone, slightly poking me with the tip of the knife. It felt cold, and suddenly I was aware of my heart racing and tears streaming down my face.

    "you will do exactly as I say,  or you wont live through this"  he would say."You will stay silent" He soon ordered me to stay still as he undressed me. He then made me help him take his clothes off. By now, You should probably know that he was incredibly sadistic.  He picked up my hand and shoved it in the duffel bag, soon, he put his own hand in and retrieved a small ziplock with brown tablets inside. He took out one of these and yanked my jaw where my mouth was agape. He inserted the tablet and it dissolved in my mouth. He said that It would help me obey.  He then shoved me down to my knees, he took out his di*k and started hitting my face with it, He kept saying to look and see how hard I made him and he kept saying that me struggling was a huge turn on.  He then threw me to the ground and raped me. When he was almost finished, he asked me where I "wanted it" In or out, I said out and he ejaculated on my face and he licked it off.

    After this he just stared at me for a long time. I felt as if I was prey. Or a snow globe figurine that he looked at for his pleasure. At this point whatever was in that tablet was starting to kick in and I felt tingly and my thoughts felt delayed, I felt sleepy.   He slowly reached back Into his bag and grabbed a small black camera, he then made me just lay there while he took pictures of me.  He then grabbed zipties out of his bag and tied my arms and legs. So I was in a kneeling position.  He made me give him a BJ. He was using vague threats and the knife to get me to do what he wanted. My hair was being pulled out of my scalp, With chunks of it coming out and littering the carpet. Then he grabbed me by the neck and dragged me all the way up to my feet. But my feet were still tied so I coldness stand on my own, He slapped me across the face and let go of my neck. I sailed across the floor and hit the ground. hard. I was a crying mess. But he picked me up again by the neck, Bent me over the couch and anally raped me.

    After this, He quickly cut the ties on my hands and then laid me across the couch. He tied one of my hands to a side table. and left my feet tied.  He then just yelled at me. Called me everything under the sun.  I was crying really hard at this point and he just picked up the knife and started cutting me. He cut my stomach, my legs and about 6 other places. It was excruciating. It wasn't that deep, only my stomach needing stitches, but it still stung. He would then lick the blood off.  He continued to take pictures and even was telling me to smile. He eventually raped me for the last time.

    He then told me that If I told anyone he would come back and hurt my family. He said that no one would believe me. That he was in the navy and that he wouldn't be caught. He eventually made me show him my room, It was super creepy. He said he just wanted to "look around for the future" He then left me tied to my bed frame  and left. When I had managed to break free about 20 minutes later. He was long gone.  

    1.5 hours he was there, 1.5 hours changed my life forever

    A couple of days later i found a note under my bed it read " I had fun, See you later. -Alex" I knew that he had to have kicked it under when he was in my room, But it sent me into a panic attack. 

     

    But, two years later I'm in a much better place. I found a therapist that really helped me with my PTSD and now I'm Just looking to heal.

  12. Live in the moment...

    Many of us have heard this but we can't truly understand what is meant by it, or at least I cant.

    For the majority of my life I take the road that is always traveled, I play it safe. But is that living in the moment? Will I have regrets? Will I continuously be scared to take chances, to think of the what-ifs? 

    I'm scared. I graduated college with a degree in elementary education, and I'm scared to fulfill this dream because I have these thoughts coursing through my head. What if I have a panic attack. What if my mood swings happen on a school day and I can't be my bubbly self, what if a student or fellow teacher seeks up on me and I react the wrong way. 

    I'm playing it safe by working a shitty job in retail. I hate it most days. The people don't understand personal space, and I get triggered easily but at least I can escape when I need to and I don't need to be a strong leader.

    This isn't the life that I want to lead though. I have dreamed and worked so hard to be a teacher. But I just keep stopping myself from living this out, because I'm so afraid of failure, I've already failed to many times.

    Taking chances is a way of life and i suck at living this life. I let my panic attacks get the best of me. My self confidence was left in the past and I'm still trying to find it.

    What I think is worse is the fact that I can't go to my family because all I get are lectures about how I'm not doing anything right, but they don't understand. I know it's my fault they don't understand. B honor roll student through high school, first generation college graduate, to doing absolutely nothing. In their eyes I'm a failure, how could I break their hearts more to tell them why I'm so broken, to help them understand why I'm not working my dream job. Even then would they understand? Or would they just see me as an attention seaker/excuse maker.

    I just want my dreams of my 11 year old self to come true, but I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to pick up the pieces of my old life and bring it into this one. I want to so bad but I feel like I'm blocking my self from moving forward.

    How can I live life if fear just keeps getting in the way?

  13. Peppermint
    Latest Entry

    Well, I moved barns a few more times.... Long story short back to managing a barn full time.  My horse went lame when I tried to put him back into full work (dressage, rather than something where he can move freely).  Have to have a vet come out and do a lameness exam and possibly prescribe something: seems to be an old stifle injury acting up.  I am riding someone else's mare with the intention of showing her this season in dressage (probably in August).  Started taking Martial Arts as well.  And my foster dog ended up staying.  I'm going to keep this short, since it is bed time but here are some pictures to look at: 

    IMG_20160928_161242.jpg

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    bodhi_rose
    Latest Entry

    April 22, 2017. Prom night. It was supposed to be a fun and glamorous night...it ended up becoming one of my worst nightmares. The boy who I had feelings for , and whose friends had been trying to convince me to get into a relationship with  took another girl even though we had been flirting en mass the weeks before ( it may have to do with the fact that I had rejected him for a relationship once before because I am scared of getting hurt anyway that doesn't really matter now) and during the actual I was shoved approximately 3 times because of the tightness of the space. My friend and I had planned on leaving early anyway because of a party that the boy mentioned above convinced me to go to ( My date a.k.a my close girl friend and I were just going to go explore the beach but then she wanted to meet up with a boy from work and I didn't want to sit lonely while they made out on the sand). The drive to the party I was incredibly tense, I am not sure why but I was just so stressed out and upset. Instantly when I got to the party, I took a shot and then another and then my friend and I went outside and we smoked a joint each. I still felt uneasy, so another shot and then a "Friend" thought it was funny so she had me do a shot of tequila, at this point I was just kind of walking around not really knowing what to do. Someone asked me to take pictures of them, and thats when I sort of felt the hit but I was trying so hard not to act like it and thats when things start to get fuzzy, I don't remember putting the camera down but the next thing I'm taking another shot from tequila girl. That's when things get really bad. I remember going to the bathroom and in my memory things were kinda dark and hazy. When I leave the bathroom, there is the boy standing at the breakfast bar of the kitchen. I don't remember walking up but I remember standing at the bar and talking to him, he offers me a drink from his polar pop, a mix of mountain Dew and vodka, I remember giving him a shot and then taking one myself. I think we kept talking, I am not sure how much time has past but I remember laughing and saying "I'm sooo drunk". Then I remember a person walking up to us and saying " are you gonna kiss her yet?", I know we kissed but I don't remember the feeling I just remember blackness. I'm not sure how much time passed but the next thing I remember is someone walking up and saying " you two are really cute but get a room" I know when they said this I opened my eyes but I couldn't make out the person, everything just seemed incredibly hazy and dark. The next thing I know we are in one of the back bedrooms, he is one top of me kissing me but all our clothes were still on. I hear knocking on the door, banging, I just laughed. But then a weird feeling came over me, almost like fear or nervousness but I just knew my head hurt and I couldn't really feel anything, I couldn't feel my body or feel his on top of mine, or I don't remember the feeling. I rolled him off me and just kept repeating "no, just lay down just lay down" then I remember going to sleep. The next thing I vaguely remember is someone saying "your mom is here" I tried sitting up and then fell things go back to black. I remember being in the car and my mom just scolding, as she rightfully should have. I get home, get into my jammies and go to sleep. The next day I was so upset with myself for getting so drunk, but I thought nothing had happened that I had slept and he had left me. This was unfortunately not the case. I had snapchatted him that morning asking what happened, his response? " do you really want to know?". That's when I started to freak out, my heart sank... no, this sweet innocent boy who was my friend couldn't have done what I think....I of course said I wanted to know and I got a cold reply " so long story short... I popped your cherry, the alcohol hit you like a bus and then you threw up and passed out". I almost threw up. I went into panic, I told him to call me but that just made it even worse. I was crying, in shock. I asked him why, and just kept saying you seemed fine and when I told him I didn't want to, he replied with " oh, i guess i can see why you would be upset but you know what happened happened and you should just forget about it and move on" after we hung I was freaking out, I didn't know what to do, I just wanted a hug from my mom. I went out crying to my parents and when I finally got the words out thats when the frenzy began. My dad started cursing, I was told to get my underwear from that night and when I saw them in sank in deeper, they were covered in blood... the hospital visit was scary, the police station was even scarier. The police had me troll him and one of his responses were " you know me, to accuse me of taking advantage of someone is wrong, shameful and disheartening." I still can't understand how a boy I once trusted and thought I could even love be so cold and mean and not understand what he had done wrong. 

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    lostgirl19
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    Hey everyone,

    Im sorry i havent been on for a while so i thought it was time to say hey :) 

    I just wanted to know how many people on this website are in perth australia as i really need new friends :)

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    limetree
    Latest Entry

    I've only been here for a few days, so it feels a bit like I'm getting ahead of myself to start a blog. By way of explanation, I was looking at the Share Your Story forum and feeling like it would be helpful to put things in order, but thought that would be easier to do in shorter blog posts. I'm a prolific blogger elsewhere, but there are some things I can't really write on my wordpress blog, because I wouldn't want my family to read them. So I hope no one minds that I've come out of nowhere and appear to be setting up home a bit.

    I posted on the introduction thread, but that forum is public, so there are things I might have said that I didn't at that point. It might even be a bit risky to put them here: I work as a therapist, so in all of my attempts to find online spaces where I can safely speak there is the risk that a client might find me. There is already a fair amount of easily accessible personal information about me on the internet - I've done a lot of public speaking on my personal experiences of eating disorders and self harm, so any client who felt inclined to Google stalk (I've done it to my therapists, so I have no reason to believe they wouldn't do it to me!) could find out about that. I've worked around that by being open about it: I work in short sleeves despite the scars, I have a short paragraph on my website about being in recovery from anorexia, and I answer direct questions, within reason, because if I act as if there is nothing to be curious about, people are less likely to go digging. 

    Aside from my career, I'm also autistic. I'm an autistic therapist. This is a) very surprising to some people, and b) not at all surprising to people who have extensive experience of women on the spectrum. It's more common than you might think, I know several other female autistic therapists. People who like to make generalisations say that boys with Aspergers act like little professors, and girls with Aspergers act like little psychologists: girls are pushed into being sociable, and so those of us who lack the ability to instinctively understand peoples' motivations compensate for this by analysing social situations logically. This has the upside of making us great at analysing psychological problems and the downside of being really bloody exhausting if you can't 'turn it off' in normal social situations. I was only diagnosed last year and have spent my time since then being as autistic as I like in public, and only making a big effort to camouflage it at work.

    I kind of lump myself in with autistic women there, and I was assigned female at birth, but I'm kind of non-binaryish, and also queer in terms of sexual orientation. I'm married to an amazing woman who I adore and am properly, sick-makingly overjoyed to be spending my life with. She is also a survivor and has dissociative identity disorder. This is something I never talk about anywhere in public offline or online, because she's not 'out' about it, but she's okay with me talking about some of the issues it throws up for me in anonymous spaces (I checked). 

    Finally for this first post, I'm a survivor of rape at age 18, physical and emotional abuse throughout my childhood and adolescence by my mother, some really-skirting-the-edges-of-appropriate behaviour by my father, who is mostly well-intentioned but basically 14 in his head, chronic bullying at school, the general horror of growing up as an undiagnosed autistic person, ?maybe sexual abuse by a cousin when I was 4?, emotional ?and sexual? abuse by a boyfriend prior to meeting my wife, some truly awful treatment by the mental health services, and a random near death experience in my early 20s. I'm currently doing EMDRish with a private psychologist, which I intend to write about because it messes with my head in both good and bad ways. Question marks indicate areas of all the confusion. Which I am also likely to talk about.

    Hello :) I'm Katie

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    Hi,

    First of all, I would like to apologize if some things do not make a lot of sense since English is not my first language.

    I came across this site a couple of months ago and started reading about some of the experiences posted here. I gotta say it triggered memories of what had happened to me but mostly helped me realize that I'm not the only one going through this and that I am not alone. 

    So, this is the first time that I'll tell what happened to me to someone other than a therapist and an ex-boyfriend.

    I feel the need to write about my experience because I still feel like I've got to get this off my chest because to this day it still continues to shape my life. 

    I don't really remember how old I was when it happened. I think I was about 5 or maybe 6 years old and it happend more than once. My parents both worked so I was often left to the care of my  two older (half) brothers. I can't recall the first time that it happened but I remember this one time that one of my brothers (9 years older than me) approached the TV room where I was and asked if I wanted to play a game with him and I said yes. He took me to his bedroom and I think he must have explained the "rules of the game" but I honestly can't remember them, I just thought that it was a strange game, that I didn't like it and that it hurt.  Afterwards he would say that that was our secret game and that no one should find out about it. This went on almost everytime I was left alone with him but I do not know how many times it happened; I do, however, remember the time I put an end to it.  A few days earlier I had gone to my mother to tell her that my brother liked playing a game that I did not enjoy so she just told me to say "No" the next time he asked if I wanted to play; so that's exactly what I did that last time he went to ask me if I wanted to have some fun; I clearly remember saying NO and when he asked why I did not want to play I just said: "Because I don't want to". I don't recall him pushing me to go with thim, I think he just got up and left and that was the end of it. 

    Since I was a small girl I did not understand what had happened to me, not even when I was old enough to know what sexual intercourse was did I comprehend what had happened. I did not hold a grudge against my brother and those episodes were kind of buried for us. A couple of years later he joined some religious support groups and after attending several meetings he went to a weekend camp organized by them and a special kind of ceremony was held upon their return: we should be there at church to receive our loved ones me and my family were told that we should buy him a toy as a symbol of him being reborn and it also represented a new begging for him. When my brother found us among the crowd of other families, he was crying and moved from all that he had experienced during the weekend and when we held me he cried even harder and he apologized, said he was so sorry. I remember I started crying too and I told him that I forgave him and that everything was alright. I recall my family's questioning looks when they saw us in that strange exchange of apologies and reassurance.

    To this day I don't think anyone in my family knows what went on between me and my brother. Years later, I think I was 13 years old, my brother died in an accident. It was not until a couple of years later when I was maybe 15 or 16 years old that I really understood what had happened. Even I sometimes find it hard to believe that so many years had to pass in order for me to understand that I had been repeatedly raped by my brother; hell, he had to die in order for me to be aware of this. When I finally understood this, I sank into depression, I gained a lot of weight (I have always been overweight and I've had issues with my body all my life but when I became aware of the rape it just got worse) and to this day I have not been able to shed the weight I gained... I pretty much became isolated in my own world. My parents saw that I was going through a rough patch and suggested that I try therapy, so I started a therapeutic process and a few months into the sessions I was able to admit to someone else other than myself that I had suffered from sexual abuse. I though that just by doing that I would be cured from all my anxiety, self- doubt, self-loathing, sadness and anger. I've learned that this is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life and that it requires constant care because if I let it beat me I can spirall down the path of depression once again.

    It's funny how people often refer to me as one of the happiest people that they know & that I'm always smiling and it's true, because for the most part I try to forget about this episode of my life, but it's still there, shaping the way I relate to the peoople around me. It has been specially hard for me to have relationships with men. I've been scared of men almost my entire life; I'm scared I'll be raped again, thus it has has caused me to avoid all contact with men and this has led me to not know how to behave around them, even around the ones I like. I'm 25 years old and I've only had one boyfriend. I was 20 years old when I met him and on that day I got drunk in order to feel carefree around him because I felt attracted to him from the beggining. I ended up going home with him at the end of the night and getting exposed to what I feared the most: being taken advantage of. He behaved like a gentelman and soon after we started a relationship that lasted for almost four years. He sensed from the begining that there was something going on with me because I would have a hard time being comfortable with him intimately so I told him all that I had been thorugh and instead of being jugded like I thought I would be, I received nothing but love and support. I think this is what led me to cling to to him as hard as I did: I was scared to ever admitting this to anyone else so I tried to become the best girlfriend I could in order to keep him happy and intrested in me. This caused me to lose myself in the relationship because all I ever did was to please him... eventually my behaviour started taking a toll on me and this combined with cheating on is behalf lead us to break up. It has been around 9 months since our relationship ended and I have not yet been able to get over it. I believe this is mostly beacause I felt betrayed once again by someone I loved. I started going to therapy again soon after the breakup and the rape issue has come into the surface once again. I am certain that I'm on the right track to regain control of my life and my feelings... however, there are days like today when I feel sad and lost... I guess that's why I decided to start tying now... to just get this off my chest and hope someone out there can feel identified with my story. 

    I have anxiety issues that I think are linked to this experience; this anxiety has led me to develop an unlealthy relationship with food: always searching for comfort, protection, love and acceptance in sweets  and for several years now I've been struggling with binge eating disorder which has only recently being diagnosed; this is now a new issue that I need to address in therapy  and my day to day life but I feel angry and sad that whenever I feel like I've overcome something, another problem presents itself and it does not let me heal and feel good about myself. 

    Well... I think that this is all for tonight. I had never sat down to write about me before and I found it really soothing so I'm hoping to keep posting in the future. 

    Thank you for taking the time to read this long post :) 

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    After everything happened I just laid there and cried trying to get everything out of my head. His face, his voice. I then walked downstairs where my sister was sitting and she has asked if I had finally gotten "laid". She was the girl all the boys fell over and I guess in her mind she was trying to help...? Apparently, he told her that I refused to do anything with him and kicked him out, which he had said to cover the rape. I was so scared of him and the embarrassment that I just went along with it. Ever since I moved I haven't talked to my sister, I have no idea what I would say. I am slowly working up the courage to go to the police, I just feel like I need to heal myself before I can talk to anybody about what happened. My boyfriend suspects something and is really worried. I just cannot tell him the truth, and I feel horrible, I am just not ready. He is becoming very very distant and I found him sexually messaging other girls and that he masturbates to their photos. I don't think he gets how that makes me feel, I feel unwanted and ugly. Just when I think I am beautiful and love myself. The person I love the most in this life pushes me back a view steps. I don't now what to do, should I break up with him..? I already tried talking ot him and it never works. Please, I need advice, I can't keep living stuck in this depression.