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  1. What prevented me from healing is that I never addressed it. I've believed that it was my fault, not that bad, no one would believe me anyway, etc. He told me it was OK and I thought he believed it, I thought everyone would, they'd think I was overreacting. I felt so ashamed so I stuffed it down. Now I feel ashamed that I still let this affect me. I thought it wasn't that bad, that people go through a lot worse without letting it affect them this much, I should be over this by now.

    I've discovered that so many of these beliefs were based on fear and misinformation, and no longer stand up to scrutiny. I'm starting to chip away at the silence, and hence at the shame, and I really feel now that I am starting to heal.

  2. ive been in a stretch with not thinking too much about my past. ive been reliving it somewhat recently. ive had encounters with difficult people, facing rejection, standing up for myself against those i normally cower from. the list continues. sometimes im successful, sometimes im not. i do know that by facing those similar events again, i do feel a little better after. the encounters when im uncomfortable around certain men hasnt changed. still feel frozen and scared and that fear locks on strong. im still struggling with my temper as well. im having reliving to deal with a mean and difficult person. typically i avoid because i dont want to deal with those types of people. but, im learning that it didnt work in the past because sometimes difficult people will be in your life. example, do i avoid going to starbucks because the one barista is an ass? do i avoid my favorite eatery because the one server was rude? i can still get a coffee and if i feel they are being an ass, step and acknowledge it. i cant keep running. i can handle what i can in small steps but avoiding is not working anymore. its leading to me adding to my rage and if not controlled it could be unleashed on the wrong person. but, ive found when i address the issues in the moment, it doesnt stay with me. and i think this leads to me not having to relive my past so much. 

  3. Thank you for everyone and anyone who reads my story. You have no idea how much peace of mind it gives me just writing my story down. I know I haven't been on here for a while so here is a little update on my life. I am getting married in 3 months!! Crazy right? I cant believe I actually found someone to put up with me. But there is something... I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I will never be able to move on from what happened to me. My mom always tells me how proud she is of me that I put that in the past and I have come so far but she doesn't know the pain I feel when I'm alone driving I the car and all I do is think. Think of that asshole and what he did and what he took away. Everyone says that you will never be the same and you will be a better stronger person of yourself but I honestly don't feel that way. I feel worse about myself I have a man that is completely in love with me and all I seem to ever do is cry and feel lonely and miserable half the time. I blame him for what he took away from me that night. I just want to be myself again. Not a new better version just me... Idk if I will ever be that again and it terrifies me..I feel like I am holding myself back from my fiancé because I am so controlled by the past. Like I cant be 100% with him because I am so scared of being hurt. Scew any guy who has ever taken advantage of a girl!! its not fair that he gets to sit there and ruin my life and get away with it! Get to walk around like nothing happened!

  4. teleah
    Latest Entry

    Yesterday I did not eat much, my beloved cat Hardy passed the night before after a long few days of struggling to breathe, he passed eight months after my other beloved cat Laurel passed. I have no safe place to land anymore which caused TC to come out, let me see her in her frilly pink dress with black dress shoes, I could see her sitting on my bed with me and she was bawling, I tried to comfort her but she just wept then i tried to fall asleep, lied there as she told me about her bad grandpa, the times he TW....put his hand over her mouth reeking of gasoline because i was'nt finished and he did not want my mom to know where i was or the times he made me pleasure him through his pocket, looking for a quarter is what he called it, then she told me deepest darkest fear and that was TW....that she knew he killed himself because he did'nt come visit and she did not make him happy anymore, she was convinced and told me she had heard her dad say it was her fault when her mom and dad were planning her bad grandpa's funeral, as soon as she shared this with me, i got the worse stomach pains and felt like i was going to get sick, so i sat in front of the toliet and rocked for over a half in hour, saying over and over, i am sorry, today there is a new deep sadness nestled in me, TC's sadness, Tomorrow we bury Hardy, I am scared TC will show up again and I hope tonight will not be another night with my little five year old TC, teleah

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    Weareall1
    Latest Entry

    Trigger  Trigger : CSA  R*pe

    So first we need background info.  At this time in my 14 year old life, me and my Best friend of all time were split, and my other best friend got into it so I was feeling alone. and that best friend was really manipulative so I was left feeling that her self harm and stuff were my fault. I was in a pretty dark place there.  Also, around this same time my parents were fighting bc they were about to get a divorce. So I was pretty desperate for attention and lonely.

    Anyways, on this app that I used to video chat with my friends this guy started messaging me. He seemed really flirty and interested in my and called me beautiful and really just interested in me. I knew he was older but I didn't know exactly how old he was (he was twice my age, he was 28). He really acted like he cared about me and was there for me when my parents were fighting or when I felt sad because of girl drama.  After about a week and a half, I felt like he was a good guy and I trusted him.

    About two weeks since he started talking to me I was sick. I stayed home and he offered to bring me food. I agreed and gave him my address, I really thought we were just gonna talk. Especially because he kept saying he wanted to take care of me.  One thing that he did that I did not realize was odd is that he wanted me to send him a picture of myself in what I was wearing. Immediately, I was just wearing old Pj's. He insisted that I keep them on until he got there. He also told me that He was allergic to dogs (I have two large dogs) and asked if I would put them up before he got there. Which I did.

    Okay the next part is where it gets somewhat graphic.  

    When he got to my house I walked out my backdoor to greet him. He looked pretty normal, T-shirt, shorts, But he was carrying a medium black duffel bag. I thought it was somewhat weird but quickly dismissed it attributing its presence to the promise of food.  Right as he came near me he didn't say a word, just started kissing me and pushing me, I fell backwards. he just picked me up and forced me inside the house. At this point I was really confused, I felt scared and uncomfortable, Unable to grasp what just happened.  I just watched as he dropped me, quickly pulling out a silver pocket knife.  He slammed the door shut, enclosing us both in my living room. He quickly stepped towards me.

    At this point I new exactly what was going to happen. I was crying, Begging him to stop, that he didn't have to do this, please no. He just rested the knife under my jawbone, slightly poking me with the tip of the knife. It felt cold, and suddenly I was aware of my heart racing and tears streaming down my face.

    "you will do exactly as I say,  or you wont live through this"  he would say."You will stay silent" He soon ordered me to stay still as he undressed me. He then made me help him take his clothes off. By now, You should probably know that he was incredibly sadistic.  He picked up my hand and shoved it in the duffel bag, soon, he put his own hand in and retrieved a small ziplock with brown tablets inside. He took out one of these and yanked my jaw where my mouth was agape. He inserted the tablet and it dissolved in my mouth. He said that It would help me obey.  He then shoved me down to my knees, he took out his di*k and started hitting my face with it, He kept saying to look and see how hard I made him and he kept saying that me struggling was a huge turn on.  He then threw me to the ground and raped me. When he was almost finished, he asked me where I "wanted it" In or out, I said out and he ejaculated on my face and he licked it off.

    After this he just stared at me for a long time. I felt as if I was prey. Or a snow globe figurine that he looked at for his pleasure. At this point whatever was in that tablet was starting to kick in and I felt tingly and my thoughts felt delayed, I felt sleepy.   He slowly reached back Into his bag and grabbed a small black camera, he then made me just lay there while he took pictures of me.  He then grabbed zipties out of his bag and tied my arms and legs. So I was in a kneeling position.  He made me give him a BJ. He was using vague threats and the knife to get me to do what he wanted. My hair was being pulled out of my scalp, With chunks of it coming out and littering the carpet. Then he grabbed me by the neck and dragged me all the way up to my feet. But my feet were still tied so I coldness stand on my own, He slapped me across the face and let go of my neck. I sailed across the floor and hit the ground. hard. I was a crying mess. But he picked me up again by the neck, Bent me over the couch and anally raped me.

    After this, He quickly cut the ties on my hands and then laid me across the couch. He tied one of my hands to a side table. and left my feet tied.  He then just yelled at me. Called me everything under the sun.  I was crying really hard at this point and he just picked up the knife and started cutting me. He cut my stomach, my legs and about 6 other places. It was excruciating. It wasn't that deep, only my stomach needing stitches, but it still stung. He would then lick the blood off.  He continued to take pictures and even was telling me to smile. He eventually raped me for the last time.

    He then told me that If I told anyone he would come back and hurt my family. He said that no one would believe me. That he was in the navy and that he wouldn't be caught. He eventually made me show him my room, It was super creepy. He said he just wanted to "look around for the future" He then left me tied to my bed frame  and left. When I had managed to break free about 20 minutes later. He was long gone.  

    1.5 hours he was there, 1.5 hours changed my life forever

    A couple of days later i found a note under my bed it read " I had fun, See you later. -Alex" I knew that he had to have kicked it under when he was in my room, But it sent me into a panic attack. 

     

    But, two years later I'm in a much better place. I found a therapist that really helped me with my PTSD and now I'm Just looking to heal.

  5. Live in the moment...

    Many of us have heard this but we can't truly understand what is meant by it, or at least I cant.

    For the majority of my life I take the road that is always traveled, I play it safe. But is that living in the moment? Will I have regrets? Will I continuously be scared to take chances, to think of the what-ifs? 

    I'm scared. I graduated college with a degree in elementary education, and I'm scared to fulfill this dream because I have these thoughts coursing through my head. What if I have a panic attack. What if my mood swings happen on a school day and I can't be my bubbly self, what if a student or fellow teacher seeks up on me and I react the wrong way. 

    I'm playing it safe by working a shitty job in retail. I hate it most days. The people don't understand personal space, and I get triggered easily but at least I can escape when I need to and I don't need to be a strong leader.

    This isn't the life that I want to lead though. I have dreamed and worked so hard to be a teacher. But I just keep stopping myself from living this out, because I'm so afraid of failure, I've already failed to many times.

    Taking chances is a way of life and i suck at living this life. I let my panic attacks get the best of me. My self confidence was left in the past and I'm still trying to find it.

    What I think is worse is the fact that I can't go to my family because all I get are lectures about how I'm not doing anything right, but they don't understand. I know it's my fault they don't understand. B honor roll student through high school, first generation college graduate, to doing absolutely nothing. In their eyes I'm a failure, how could I break their hearts more to tell them why I'm so broken, to help them understand why I'm not working my dream job. Even then would they understand? Or would they just see me as an attention seaker/excuse maker.

    I just want my dreams of my 11 year old self to come true, but I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to pick up the pieces of my old life and bring it into this one. I want to so bad but I feel like I'm blocking my self from moving forward.

    How can I live life if fear just keeps getting in the way?

  6. Peppermint
    Latest Entry

    Well, I moved barns a few more times.... Long story short back to managing a barn full time.  My horse went lame when I tried to put him back into full work (dressage, rather than something where he can move freely).  Have to have a vet come out and do a lameness exam and possibly prescribe something: seems to be an old stifle injury acting up.  I am riding someone else's mare with the intention of showing her this season in dressage (probably in August).  Started taking Martial Arts as well.  And my foster dog ended up staying.  I'm going to keep this short, since it is bed time but here are some pictures to look at: 

    IMG_20160928_161242.jpg

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    bodhi_rose
    Latest Entry

    April 22, 2017. Prom night. It was supposed to be a fun and glamorous night...it ended up becoming one of my worst nightmares. The boy who I had feelings for , and whose friends had been trying to convince me to get into a relationship with  took another girl even though we had been flirting en mass the weeks before ( it may have to do with the fact that I had rejected him for a relationship once before because I am scared of getting hurt anyway that doesn't really matter now) and during the actual I was shoved approximately 3 times because of the tightness of the space. My friend and I had planned on leaving early anyway because of a party that the boy mentioned above convinced me to go to ( My date a.k.a my close girl friend and I were just going to go explore the beach but then she wanted to meet up with a boy from work and I didn't want to sit lonely while they made out on the sand). The drive to the party I was incredibly tense, I am not sure why but I was just so stressed out and upset. Instantly when I got to the party, I took a shot and then another and then my friend and I went outside and we smoked a joint each. I still felt uneasy, so another shot and then a "Friend" thought it was funny so she had me do a shot of tequila, at this point I was just kind of walking around not really knowing what to do. Someone asked me to take pictures of them, and thats when I sort of felt the hit but I was trying so hard not to act like it and thats when things start to get fuzzy, I don't remember putting the camera down but the next thing I'm taking another shot from tequila girl. That's when things get really bad. I remember going to the bathroom and in my memory things were kinda dark and hazy. When I leave the bathroom, there is the boy standing at the breakfast bar of the kitchen. I don't remember walking up but I remember standing at the bar and talking to him, he offers me a drink from his polar pop, a mix of mountain Dew and vodka, I remember giving him a shot and then taking one myself. I think we kept talking, I am not sure how much time has past but I remember laughing and saying "I'm sooo drunk". Then I remember a person walking up to us and saying " are you gonna kiss her yet?", I know we kissed but I don't remember the feeling I just remember blackness. I'm not sure how much time passed but the next thing I remember is someone walking up and saying " you two are really cute but get a room" I know when they said this I opened my eyes but I couldn't make out the person, everything just seemed incredibly hazy and dark. The next thing I know we are in one of the back bedrooms, he is one top of me kissing me but all our clothes were still on. I hear knocking on the door, banging, I just laughed. But then a weird feeling came over me, almost like fear or nervousness but I just knew my head hurt and I couldn't really feel anything, I couldn't feel my body or feel his on top of mine, or I don't remember the feeling. I rolled him off me and just kept repeating "no, just lay down just lay down" then I remember going to sleep. The next thing I vaguely remember is someone saying "your mom is here" I tried sitting up and then fell things go back to black. I remember being in the car and my mom just scolding, as she rightfully should have. I get home, get into my jammies and go to sleep. The next day I was so upset with myself for getting so drunk, but I thought nothing had happened that I had slept and he had left me. This was unfortunately not the case. I had snapchatted him that morning asking what happened, his response? " do you really want to know?". That's when I started to freak out, my heart sank... no, this sweet innocent boy who was my friend couldn't have done what I think....I of course said I wanted to know and I got a cold reply " so long story short... I popped your cherry, the alcohol hit you like a bus and then you threw up and passed out". I almost threw up. I went into panic, I told him to call me but that just made it even worse. I was crying, in shock. I asked him why, and just kept saying you seemed fine and when I told him I didn't want to, he replied with " oh, i guess i can see why you would be upset but you know what happened happened and you should just forget about it and move on" after we hung I was freaking out, I didn't know what to do, I just wanted a hug from my mom. I went out crying to my parents and when I finally got the words out thats when the frenzy began. My dad started cursing, I was told to get my underwear from that night and when I saw them in sank in deeper, they were covered in blood... the hospital visit was scary, the police station was even scarier. The police had me troll him and one of his responses were " you know me, to accuse me of taking advantage of someone is wrong, shameful and disheartening." I still can't understand how a boy I once trusted and thought I could even love be so cold and mean and not understand what he had done wrong. 

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    lostgirl19
    Latest Entry

    Hey everyone,

    Im sorry i havent been on for a while so i thought it was time to say hey :) 

    I just wanted to know how many people on this website are in perth australia as i really need new friends :)

  7. aperson
    Latest Entry

    I havent been feeling much like writing lately. I am finding it hard to put any thoughts in the open and put words to my feelings. It is having the normal affect of driving into a depressive state and isolating myself further. Neither of which is very productive to trying to live a stable life. 

    I made this hoping that the words would start again. Writing my thoughts and feelings are my strong point. Right now, I have nothing to say and am drained by it all.

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    limetree
    Latest Entry

    I've only been here for a few days, so it feels a bit like I'm getting ahead of myself to start a blog. By way of explanation, I was looking at the Share Your Story forum and feeling like it would be helpful to put things in order, but thought that would be easier to do in shorter blog posts. I'm a prolific blogger elsewhere, but there are some things I can't really write on my wordpress blog, because I wouldn't want my family to read them. So I hope no one minds that I've come out of nowhere and appear to be setting up home a bit.

    I posted on the introduction thread, but that forum is public, so there are things I might have said that I didn't at that point. It might even be a bit risky to put them here: I work as a therapist, so in all of my attempts to find online spaces where I can safely speak there is the risk that a client might find me. There is already a fair amount of easily accessible personal information about me on the internet - I've done a lot of public speaking on my personal experiences of eating disorders and self harm, so any client who felt inclined to Google stalk (I've done it to my therapists, so I have no reason to believe they wouldn't do it to me!) could find out about that. I've worked around that by being open about it: I work in short sleeves despite the scars, I have a short paragraph on my website about being in recovery from anorexia, and I answer direct questions, within reason, because if I act as if there is nothing to be curious about, people are less likely to go digging. 

    Aside from my career, I'm also autistic. I'm an autistic therapist. This is a) very surprising to some people, and b) not at all surprising to people who have extensive experience of women on the spectrum. It's more common than you might think, I know several other female autistic therapists. People who like to make generalisations say that boys with Aspergers act like little professors, and girls with Aspergers act like little psychologists: girls are pushed into being sociable, and so those of us who lack the ability to instinctively understand peoples' motivations compensate for this by analysing social situations logically. This has the upside of making us great at analysing psychological problems and the downside of being really bloody exhausting if you can't 'turn it off' in normal social situations. I was only diagnosed last year and have spent my time since then being as autistic as I like in public, and only making a big effort to camouflage it at work.

    I kind of lump myself in with autistic women there, and I was assigned female at birth, but I'm kind of non-binaryish, and also queer in terms of sexual orientation. I'm married to an amazing woman who I adore and am properly, sick-makingly overjoyed to be spending my life with. She is also a survivor and has dissociative identity disorder. This is something I never talk about anywhere in public offline or online, because she's not 'out' about it, but she's okay with me talking about some of the issues it throws up for me in anonymous spaces (I checked). 

    Finally for this first post, I'm a survivor of rape at age 18, physical and emotional abuse throughout my childhood and adolescence by my mother, some really-skirting-the-edges-of-appropriate behaviour by my father, who is mostly well-intentioned but basically 14 in his head, chronic bullying at school, the general horror of growing up as an undiagnosed autistic person, ?maybe sexual abuse by a cousin when I was 4?, emotional ?and sexual? abuse by a boyfriend prior to meeting my wife, some truly awful treatment by the mental health services, and a random near death experience in my early 20s. I'm currently doing EMDRish with a private psychologist, which I intend to write about because it messes with my head in both good and bad ways. Question marks indicate areas of all the confusion. Which I am also likely to talk about.

    Hello :) I'm Katie

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    Hi,

    First of all, I would like to apologize if some things do not make a lot of sense since English is not my first language.

    I came across this site a couple of months ago and started reading about some of the experiences posted here. I gotta say it triggered memories of what had happened to me but mostly helped me realize that I'm not the only one going through this and that I am not alone. 

    So, this is the first time that I'll tell what happened to me to someone other than a therapist and an ex-boyfriend.

    I feel the need to write about my experience because I still feel like I've got to get this off my chest because to this day it still continues to shape my life. 

    I don't really remember how old I was when it happened. I think I was about 5 or maybe 6 years old and it happend more than once. My parents both worked so I was often left to the care of my  two older (half) brothers. I can't recall the first time that it happened but I remember this one time that one of my brothers (9 years older than me) approached the TV room where I was and asked if I wanted to play a game with him and I said yes. He took me to his bedroom and I think he must have explained the "rules of the game" but I honestly can't remember them, I just thought that it was a strange game, that I didn't like it and that it hurt.  Afterwards he would say that that was our secret game and that no one should find out about it. This went on almost everytime I was left alone with him but I do not know how many times it happened; I do, however, remember the time I put an end to it.  A few days earlier I had gone to my mother to tell her that my brother liked playing a game that I did not enjoy so she just told me to say "No" the next time he asked if I wanted to play; so that's exactly what I did that last time he went to ask me if I wanted to have some fun; I clearly remember saying NO and when he asked why I did not want to play I just said: "Because I don't want to". I don't recall him pushing me to go with thim, I think he just got up and left and that was the end of it. 

    Since I was a small girl I did not understand what had happened to me, not even when I was old enough to know what sexual intercourse was did I comprehend what had happened. I did not hold a grudge against my brother and those episodes were kind of buried for us. A couple of years later he joined some religious support groups and after attending several meetings he went to a weekend camp organized by them and a special kind of ceremony was held upon their return: we should be there at church to receive our loved ones me and my family were told that we should buy him a toy as a symbol of him being reborn and it also represented a new begging for him. When my brother found us among the crowd of other families, he was crying and moved from all that he had experienced during the weekend and when we held me he cried even harder and he apologized, said he was so sorry. I remember I started crying too and I told him that I forgave him and that everything was alright. I recall my family's questioning looks when they saw us in that strange exchange of apologies and reassurance.

    To this day I don't think anyone in my family knows what went on between me and my brother. Years later, I think I was 13 years old, my brother died in an accident. It was not until a couple of years later when I was maybe 15 or 16 years old that I really understood what had happened. Even I sometimes find it hard to believe that so many years had to pass in order for me to understand that I had been repeatedly raped by my brother; hell, he had to die in order for me to be aware of this. When I finally understood this, I sank into depression, I gained a lot of weight (I have always been overweight and I've had issues with my body all my life but when I became aware of the rape it just got worse) and to this day I have not been able to shed the weight I gained... I pretty much became isolated in my own world. My parents saw that I was going through a rough patch and suggested that I try therapy, so I started a therapeutic process and a few months into the sessions I was able to admit to someone else other than myself that I had suffered from sexual abuse. I though that just by doing that I would be cured from all my anxiety, self- doubt, self-loathing, sadness and anger. I've learned that this is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life and that it requires constant care because if I let it beat me I can spirall down the path of depression once again.

    It's funny how people often refer to me as one of the happiest people that they know & that I'm always smiling and it's true, because for the most part I try to forget about this episode of my life, but it's still there, shaping the way I relate to the peoople around me. It has been specially hard for me to have relationships with men. I've been scared of men almost my entire life; I'm scared I'll be raped again, thus it has has caused me to avoid all contact with men and this has led me to not know how to behave around them, even around the ones I like. I'm 25 years old and I've only had one boyfriend. I was 20 years old when I met him and on that day I got drunk in order to feel carefree around him because I felt attracted to him from the beggining. I ended up going home with him at the end of the night and getting exposed to what I feared the most: being taken advantage of. He behaved like a gentelman and soon after we started a relationship that lasted for almost four years. He sensed from the begining that there was something going on with me because I would have a hard time being comfortable with him intimately so I told him all that I had been thorugh and instead of being jugded like I thought I would be, I received nothing but love and support. I think this is what led me to cling to to him as hard as I did: I was scared to ever admitting this to anyone else so I tried to become the best girlfriend I could in order to keep him happy and intrested in me. This caused me to lose myself in the relationship because all I ever did was to please him... eventually my behaviour started taking a toll on me and this combined with cheating on is behalf lead us to break up. It has been around 9 months since our relationship ended and I have not yet been able to get over it. I believe this is mostly beacause I felt betrayed once again by someone I loved. I started going to therapy again soon after the breakup and the rape issue has come into the surface once again. I am certain that I'm on the right track to regain control of my life and my feelings... however, there are days like today when I feel sad and lost... I guess that's why I decided to start tying now... to just get this off my chest and hope someone out there can feel identified with my story. 

    I have anxiety issues that I think are linked to this experience; this anxiety has led me to develop an unlealthy relationship with food: always searching for comfort, protection, love and acceptance in sweets  and for several years now I've been struggling with binge eating disorder which has only recently being diagnosed; this is now a new issue that I need to address in therapy  and my day to day life but I feel angry and sad that whenever I feel like I've overcome something, another problem presents itself and it does not let me heal and feel good about myself. 

    Well... I think that this is all for tonight. I had never sat down to write about me before and I found it really soothing so I'm hoping to keep posting in the future. 

    Thank you for taking the time to read this long post :) 

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    After everything happened I just laid there and cried trying to get everything out of my head. His face, his voice. I then walked downstairs where my sister was sitting and she has asked if I had finally gotten "laid". She was the girl all the boys fell over and I guess in her mind she was trying to help...? Apparently, he told her that I refused to do anything with him and kicked him out, which he had said to cover the rape. I was so scared of him and the embarrassment that I just went along with it. Ever since I moved I haven't talked to my sister, I have no idea what I would say. I am slowly working up the courage to go to the police, I just feel like I need to heal myself before I can talk to anybody about what happened. My boyfriend suspects something and is really worried. I just cannot tell him the truth, and I feel horrible, I am just not ready. He is becoming very very distant and I found him sexually messaging other girls and that he masturbates to their photos. I don't think he gets how that makes me feel, I feel unwanted and ugly. Just when I think I am beautiful and love myself. The person I love the most in this life pushes me back a view steps. I don't now what to do, should I break up with him..? I already tried talking ot him and it never works. Please, I need advice, I can't keep living stuck in this depression.

  8. First I need to apologize for not replying to anyone on the show of support for my last blog entry.  My thoughts were jumbled together and I was unable to really say much. The visit with the surgeon was in short devastating.  His decision to call the transplant coordinator was equally painful.  My tears have now dried and I am no longer thinking of quitting so I can at least write a little now.  The thought of waiting two years is a bit much.  I don't have the energy to wait that long.  I sort of thought that might be the response of the transplant team.   Still I am in the process of processing everything.  I have gone silent IRL and with the exception of the occasional email, I don't really say much of anything.  I hurt a lot right now but it is lessening some.  I am fidgeting a lot more so I am employing my spinners more frequently.  I am debating speaking to my doctor about anxiety meds but I don't know about that just yet.  I have to do more research on it.  I will likely need to find something I am not allergic to as well.  I am finding this process a bit taxing.  I am not going to quit.  I am going to keep swinging for the fences.  

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    How can I enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) if I view the act as evil?

    This belief is what has damaged my relationships. 

    I never listen to my heart, only my mind. And my mind tells me it's okay to take the step, to open myself up and go the furthest point. 

    And so I do.

    But then afterwards I hate myself. And I hate my boyfriend. I call him names, I make him feel worthless, I make him feel like a pervert.

    It's just a projection of my feelings toward myself. 

    And then I feel myself recoiling. Hating myself more. Not knowing what to feel or listen to. So I just let my thoughts control me. And I sit there, filled with hate and disgust. 

    And the cycle has begun. My hateful thoughts create hateful actions which makes me hate myself. 

    ugh. 

     

  9. I often talk about the negative things that came from my relationship, which are plenty, but today I want to share some positive things I have learned from it. Not that it was a good thing to live through, but some positive stuff came from making this horrible experience. To provide a context I was in a long distance relationship with her for over 6 years, the first year was great while the rest became progressively worse. She never was physically abusive however she was pretty cruel when it comes to the emotional side. As always I welcome comments and love to hear from people who can relate to my experiences.

     

    1. I learnt that I am a emotional person. Before I met her I was so closed off to everyone. I pushed all my emotions down and got my myself pretty convinced I am just not an emotional kind of person. I was actually quite proud of myself not having all these pesky feelings. I thought I really can't feel sincere love and emotionally connect to anyone. During our first year all of this changed and she really got me to open up. She showed me that I have strong emotions many of these I didn't even think I was capable of. The downside of this is I was so incredibly hurt by her but I still think this is something really amazing that came out of being in this relationship. It let me understand that pushing away feelings doesn't work and set me on a new path in my life.
    2. I realized I don't want to be alone. Before being with her I tried being comfortable with being alone. Not that I enjoyed not having someone to be connected with but I felt it's best this way. Not wanting anyone in my life gave me some form of control, I was invulnerable. If I am okay being alone I never have to be afraid someone I love will leave me which undoubtedly will happen or so I thought at the time. Being with her showed me I am not an island. I want to be with someone, someone who cheer me up when I am down, someone I can share my struggles with, someone who gives me a hug when I need it. The thing I thought was such a weakness in me I now see as something truly amazing.
    3. I learned to recognize abuse. I was sexually abused before which is quite easy to detect. Emotional/verbal abuse however is so hard to see when it happens. It took me years to even consider what she was doing was abusive. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I went day to day feeling miserable without knowing the reason. I tried to fix something I just didn't know what. It took me a while to accept she I am living in an abusive relationship and much more time leaving it. Since then I read quite some stuff about abusive relationships and how abusers think. It helped me seeing the patterns and warning signs of it. This gives me some control over my life back. It's not that I am just a victim anymore that can do nothing about getting abused. I became a survivor who can recognize emotional abuse when he sees it. I realize now that no amount of gentleness or understanding will ever prevent any abuse, it makes it just worse. The only way to stop is to shut up the abuser or leave him/her. Without having made this bad experience I would never thought of learning about this stuff and would have gone from one abusive relationship to another. Now I actually have some hope for living in a healthy relationship.
    4. I need someone who supports me. Before I got together with her I thought wanting others to support me is such a weakness. I was convinced I don't need anyone in my life and can do everything on my own. When I went through a really difficult time I never reached out to anyone but isolated myself until I got over it. I felt so invulnerable and independent. When I met her all of this changed. I actually wanted to share my struggles with her and wanted to have her support. It felt so good to just have someone listen to me. I learned reaching out for support is not a weakness but a strength. Of course it makes me vulnerable to getting hurt, which happened more times than I can count, but in the end it's definitely worth it. I am sure if I wasn't in that relationship I would have never known this.
    5. I realized my CSA had an effect on me. I know I been sexually abused as a child for a long time. However I got to a point where I went back into denial. I thought who knows maybe it didn't happen. Children imagine all kind of crazy stuff and even if it happened it wasn't such a big deal after all it's just sex, right? Wrong it's not just sex it's abuse! I was convinced my CSA had no effect on me at all and I can safely move on without ever thinking about it again. When I was with her it became so clear to me that my CSA didn't only had an effect on me it affected every part of my life. I couldn't get intimate with her let alone having sex. Just the thought of someone touching me made me freeze and left me in utter panic. I noticed that I get the intimacy I need in my life from porn and even got quite addicted to it not that she cared much about it. All those things were there before but they were hidden and my relationship put a spotlight on them. I know now I am far from healed and healing is not something you do once and then forget about it. Healing is a constant struggle with lot of ups and downs.
    6. My friends are not as great as I thought. Before this relationship I thought I have such amazing friends. They never ask personal question and are not interested in my personal life. They don't bother me with their pesky problems and I not them with mine. These surface level friendships just seemed perfect for me. Of course I overlooked I felt alone and miserable most of the time when being with them but that has clearly something to do with me. I mean how can it not be my fault with these amazing emotionally distant friends of mine!? This all changed once I started to move on from my abusive relationship. Once I dared asking my friends to listen to me and support me they didn't really feel that amazing anymore. When I started to learn the patterns of emotional abuse I recognized the same behavior in a much lesser extend in some of my friends. At first I thought that is really some strange coincidences that my friends behave in such similar ways as my ex. It's no wonder that they still are on her side and basically think she may have done some wrong things but in the end it's at least mostly my fault. I mean according to them by letting the abuse happen I was pretty much asking for it. Although it's so painful to see step by step how the people in my life are actually bad for me I see this as a positive thing. It enables me to see who is actually good for my healing and from whom I should better stay away. I am sure without having my ex push me over the edge I would never have noticed that.
    7. I met other survivors on this forum. Before I had this horrible experience I never had nor wanted any contact with survivors. The thought of joining a forum about SA/CSA didn't even cross my mind. Why would I need such a thing anyway since I am all healed now. In fact I avoided other people like me as much as I could because they reminded me of my past. I don't need anyone to remind me what happened I need just to forget about it and everything will be fine. I was so wrong about this. No matter how much tried to deny and forget the SA it was always there and came up in such strange ways. Ironically I joined this forum to become a better boyfriend for my ex so that she can stop treating me so badly. In the end opening up to people here caused me to leave her. Healing can really get you to strange places where you never expected to end up. Without this relationship I never would have thought there is anything wrong and had no motivation to join a site like this. Thanks to her I met so many supportive and amazing people here.
    8. I understand people who been in abusive relationships. Before I got into this relationship I couldn't at all understand why so many women keep going back to their abusive partners. It just didn't make sense to me. I could understand you going back if you don't realize he is abusive or if you are scared to leave but once you are out and know he abused you and will do it again why would someone ever go back into a relationship like this. I really tried to understand this point but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't so I did the next best thing and except it. After I went through something similar I understand it completely. I know for a fact my ex was abusive; I know for a fact she will abuse me again but still I feel drawn back to her. I am so glad she gave up and don't contact me anymore. I don't know where I would be if she were really persistent in getting me back. I cannot explain why I feel this way but I do. Now I can understand why it's so hard to stay away from an abusive partner. I guess you really have to life some things to understand them.

    There are probably more positive things I could come up with but this is enough for now. If I think of anything else I will add it to the list. I spoke quite freely and used some sarcasms in this blog post I hope it makes the reading more fun and nobody gets offended. 

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    SpiralingAbyss
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    So, I haven't been on here in almost 2 weeks, and at first I felt bad but then I realized that not only was I not super active here yet (as I am still a newbie to the site), but I was actually taking care of myself and haven't had time to do much online. I started a new job last week, which was very exciting, and so I've been extremely tired and going to bed a bit early. I also have been dealing with migraines off and on, so I've been extra medicated as I keep having to use my rescue med and rest when I get home from work. Migraines are likely unrelated to work, so no worries there. Sometimes I just get them for no real reason at all.

    Anyways...not much to say at the moment as I am fighting one of those migraines this evening. My plan is to hydrate, medicate, rest and sleep. Hope everyone is doing well, and I am sending as much positivity out to everyone that I can spare. 

    Much love. <3

  10. SociallyAwkward
    Latest Entry

    Almost got in a car accident..... Well even if we collided it wouldn't have been so bad. That would have been bad for the car though.

    Went to the game store to buy a new game then the police station to inquire about the family of weirdos DSS history. No luck. They have no access to those files, but while I was there I double checked to make sure my issue with them has been reported, and I thanked them for a job well done on the murder case of my sisters friend.

    Moms friend and her talked about the situation with Papas death so I got more info on that and that helps put my mind at ease.

    and now my body is acting up and that's the polite version of it. And bro came home pissed off that some hacker tried to steal money and he had to spend another hour at work.

    Mom was so pissed at her husband she wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him yesterday. Things are back to normal again tonight and they are both downstairs watching TV together. He's gonna piss her off again some day soon, if not tomorrow...... He's beyond help.

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    Stephenjames
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    I never knew what I wanted to do for a living. Age 4 I was set up with 'N' and 'E' so that my sister could laugh and pick on me and to make sure I never had a girlfriend. It was done by my Policeman father. I was told that if I didn't do what my sister told me to do I would be made to go to war to be shot and killed. Age 13 I joined the Air Training Corps with a view to joining the Royal Air Force to be a Pilot. I always knew I wasn't bright enough to be a pilot, but I thought I would kid myself anyways. Apparently my CO said that I wasn't bright enough to get into the RAF, I would have to join the Army if I was lucky. I didn't really want to be shot and killed, but that didn't happen either. Aged 15 I was made to leave the ATC. The ATC was the best thing I ever did I really enjoyed it. I as made to leave the ATC to be turned into a 'drugs hole' someone with Bi-Polar Disorder. Aged 16 I was poisoned with LSD. Staying in the ATC would have saved me from drugs and alcohol. Think I will Law Sue the Social Services and Education Department. What is wrong with joining the Army anyway? Don't think I would have passed the medical though.

    To this day I have no idea what I would have done for a living. I haven't got the slightest clue.. My father says that I would have been an homeless alcoholic living under a bridge.

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    BlossomGirl
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    I was 13. A few weeks earlier I was casually sipping wine stolen from our parents from water bottles at the playground, pretending to be drunker than we were with my friends. It was the beginning of summer. I didn't even have my period on a steady cycle yet. I had my first "kiss" (if you could call it that) maybe a month or two earlier, still in disbelief that chapter of my life had happened. My dad had re-married, moved to a different town and bought a house. Split custody would start soon and I think subconsciously I felt a little abandoned by his new life. 

    an older boy moved to our town from Arizona. He was tall, tan, carefree. All the girls my age talked about him and how he worked at Wendy's. They wanted to go get food to see him. I went along. Fast forward a little bit...he took interest in me (These assholes really do know how to weed out the vulnerable ones, right?) I didn't have an interested initially, but was more than flattered this cool, new, older boy liked me. We began to hang out...he his friend and myself and my friend. The few weeks we spent that summer were a blur. Nights of getting way too drunk as he started to bring liquor my friends and I did not know how to handle around, giggling and kissing as my friend started to make out with his friend, having him lean me up against a parked car to kiss and acknowledge how 'sexy I was'. Everything seemed like the beginning of a teenage love story to me. How naive of me. 

    I had gotten into a fight with my mom. A big one. I was acting like a typical rebellious 13 year old girl. I had her drop me off with my friends at a pizza place. I was staying at my friends house that night, or so I told her. He showed up with a bottle of vodka. My friends and I gathered around the bottle and chugged, sitting around the outdoor table in his backyard. Then it's all black. Or it was until recently. 

    I woke up the next morning with a wicked hangover, not knowing what the hell happened. I was in his bed, in my underwear. Nothing hurt. "Hey" he said smiling. I smiled back and said good morning, confused to what had even happened. "You're a straight up boss now," he said smiling, almost going to high five me. I wasn't following. He then told me we had had sex. I think I might have had a WTF moment, but I quickly composed myself. We had sex again that day. And more during the next year we dated. He cheated on me. Got addicted to drugs, which I would not have known being a 14 year old girl. I thought I was in love. I thought that you were supposed to stay with the person you lost your virginity to. I didn't even realize he did something so wrong. He became abusive. He made statements like "I like dating a younger girl, you're like my little toy" while he squeezed me into him hard. He spit in my face, he choked me, he punched me in the rib cage once. He would cry- he would say he didn't mean it. He loved me, I was his "little girl." I wrote letters begging him to stop, telling him he was hurting me. It never got better. He ended up getting arrested for something, I don't even know what. By this point I had moved and was seeing him inconsistently. I wondered what had happened at first, and then moved on. It didn't hurt like how it hurts when you loose someone you really love- I know now. It was kind of a relief. It wasn't love. It was fear, infatuation, naivety, being taken advantage of, being vulnerable.

    I dated through high school, never really giving what happened any attention. It was just something that happened. I started to explore it more recently due to relationship patterns I started to notice in myself. Constantly dating down, picking fix-me-uppers, people who thought I was so amazing being a college student but weren't really on my level of success. The more I started to explore this area of my life, the more details started to come back from that night. I had a flashback of him taking out my tampon (that I didn't really need because I didn't truly have my period at that age yet). I remember saying "no" and him telling me it was okay. There were other people in the room...boys. One from my grade, I think two older. I don't know what they did. Up until writing this I kind of had the feeling they watched, maybe laughed. Now I don't even want to know. I only remember the one boy from my grade who was in the room. Part of me wants to message him, someone I haven't spoken to in years, and ask what happened that night. Part of me doesn't even want to open that door out of fear of what I'll find out, or of him telling others I'm exploring this aspect of myself I'm so ashamed of.

    I don't really know what my next steps are. I'm a grad student in a very professional field, soon to be applying to doctoral programs next year. I'm great at what I do, but I know that affects me in various ways. I know I need to see a professional. I think if I really want to let this go, I have to own it first. You can't really let go of something unless it's yours, I think.

    I like to think Karma will find its' way to him. Maybe it has. I feel bad for younger me. I wish I had someone say "This is wrong, what he did was wrong, this isn't a normal relationship." My mom knows what happened. I told her everything years later through tears. She cried for me. My dad doesn't know. I don't think I want to do that to him, I don't think theres any reason for him to know this. There's no legal action I can take having let so much time pass me by. I have to put my trust and faith in the universe that things will work themselves out.

     

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    I feel like lately, I can't keep going with this. Remembering, reliving my nightmares.. I want to heal, but I also just want to forget. I want to pretend nothing ever happened. I feel like I dont belong here.. I dont want to belong here.. I dont want to accept that I belong here..

  11. My friend got a message on her phone from this guy she use to talk to saying that he was going to beat her up and rape her. Like WTF?!!??!?!? she did nothing to him but stop talking to him. She went to someone at the school and they told her to forget about it because it was basically an empty threat. but seriously?!?!?!?! that set me off I was so angry and triggered because I was in a similar siutation. UGH

    I have also been externly triggered by thirteen reasons why because of the rape scenes in it. Was anyone else triggered by it? I was it was so graphic and the way that they showed her flashbacks made me realize that is how I feel. Also I was doing so well and then I got stress and anxious and started to over think and bringing him into my head worried about if I was going to see him at a retreat I went to last weekend. I 6 panic attacks in a day because I was so nervous. It was crazy. I hated it. I hate being like that. I hate all of this. The reminders in my day to day activities. Now I want to make this very very clear I am not at all suicideal. I would never do that. But I honestly just want it all to end. I dont want to have nightmears. I dont want to wake up in the middle of the night. I dont want to fear of going places. I hate this,... why does stuff like this have to be so traumatic and why cant they just make a medicine to make everything go away. to forget it. to not have fears. So i could finally live my life normal again. If anyone out there has it or wants to do a clinical trial for it. Im down as long as you promise It will make all the memorys go away of that one night. The night that I will always remeber.

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    Hi. My name is Marta. A few weeks ago my life has changed. I hope that not forever. I was raped by my friend. After that incident, I wanted to end my life. I was ashamed and afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t sleep 3 consecutive nights. And only a psychologist - friend of my cousin have found a right decision. This man believes in me and the most importantly, thanks to him, I also started to believe in myself and in my future. He convinced me to talk about pain and fears. I am sure I’ll feel better when I can tell you about all that happened to me. Thanks to the support I get now, I’m ready to do this step. I’m not ready yet to name the rapist, so in my story I’ll call him Jack.

    March 25, about 7 p.m. I got a call from a friend who lives in Bedford and with whom I have not seen for a long time. We became acquainted with him about 2 years ago. He invited me for coffee, we were walking and talking about nothing. He was telling me different things, a lot of jokes. He told me about his romances at a veterinary clinic. At the same time he was trying to be a gentleman. From that moment we met no more than 5 times.

    Jack is much older than me. He seemed to me a strong and intelligent person. However, on March 25, 2017 something happened with him. That evening I was going  to Irving. Jack called me and when he found out that I was going to Irving, he offered to let me down by car. Of course I agreed. Why not?

    The first 15 minutes we were talking and joking. All was good. But then he suddenly decided to move out of the highway on the road where cars hardly drove. But even then I was suspected nothing. I was afraid when he stopped the car and locked the door. He took out a knife and told me to not twitch otherwise i’ll regret. He tried to stick his hand under my clothes. I didn’t let to do it and told him to stop. But he didn’t hear me. In front of me there was another person. At that moment I saw the real beast. Jack opened the door and pulled me out of the car. Pressed me to the hood and threatening with a knife, he raped me. This is an extremely difficult and painful to remember all details of that night. But I can’t keep silent. It’s even more painful to me. When he was over, he said that he will kill me if I’ll go to the police. It’s been over two weeks. Thanks to all the experts consultants. I became much more easier. Today, I realize that the silent is a wrong decision. I don’t want to live in fear.

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    This is my first blog posting this website, and i'll start by saying I've never really been able to come to terms with what has happened to me, no matter how long ago it was. It was almost two years ago in the summer of 2015. It's crazy that I don't even know where to begin because I was in such a tangled mess; lots of alcoholism at home and parents losing good jobs due to unlucky situations. I want to make it clear that I had a great childhood, great friends, and I've gone to a private school all my life. But that's the scary thing; these people who don't care whether you can defend yourself or not lurk behind upstanding morals and "hardworking ethics." One summer night after a long road of just being with the same horrible person, I had made the choice to drink until I couldn't be bothered with my emotions. The alcohol (vodka) made me happy, dance, wild, and less angry (or so I thought.) I can't even remember how much I drank. I can't even remember if I drank with a chaser or not. I arrived to the party in a hotel and at this point even thinking about anything further makes me anxious. Long story short, I was grabbed by the first love of my life after six months of just sex, losing my virginity, I was done. But that's besides the point, reader. I was soon taken into the master bedroom which was guarded by his instructed fellow football players and locked from the inside. There, they took turns with me...hurt me...bit me... just so horrible. Then I walked out of the room with my friends crying screaming because they just knew I was in trouble. Shortly after, another guy pulled me into the room, did the same thing, and had his friends come in and film it. I don't remember anything, all I know is that the moment that happened, this turned into a child pornography case. 

  12. We English don't talk about Sex.  We're known for it.  I've only ever talked about it at length with two people:
    • V - The girl I fell in love with at 17
    • C - The old man who subsequently abused both me and V
     
    So it's hard for me as an English man and a survivor to even type the word without getting nervous.  But it is a subject that is inevitably going to be difficult for many survivors.  There will be many different reasons for it to be difficult.
     
    In my last two therapy sessions I've tried to talk about it, about the fears I have being in a sexually active relationship again.  In the first session it didn't do so well.  Sitting on a sofa with someone telling me "it's normal to feel these things" just reminded me too much of being 17, sitting on a sofa, and an old man telling me "it's normal to feel these things".  Nothing my therapist could do to tell me "this is a safe environment" could stop the alarm bells ringing.  Anything she did to make me feel more calm just made my subconscious scream louder that I was being manipulated.
     
    But I do want to talk about it.  I want to express why it scares me so much and how I have begun to resolve that problem.  I had some more success in my last session. 
     
    In talking about it I found I want to be adventurous with my girlfriend (as she has asked to be).  But I want to be safe.  C twisted my boundaries.  He wanted me to do some pretty disgusting things with V in front of him.  Frankly, he erased my boundaries in order to manipulate me.  It left my fantasies truly messed up.  So when I got out, after C, the only boundaries I could find were "avoid sex".  After that boundary, after consent, I feel so scared of what to do next.  I feel scared I might hurt my partner in some way.  As much as I want to trust my girlfriend to tell me when some-thing's wrong I can't really go into sex saying "by the way, I think I'm dangerous".
     
    In all other areas of life I've been able to undo his brainwashing.  I've observed other people carefully and figured out a map of what is "normal" and "acceptable".  In the hardest cases I've simply asked people what was normal.  That is, I've re-learned to be me.
     
    But when it comes to sex, its much more difficult.  All I've got is a 17 year old's memoires of a destroyed relationship, C's abuse and some pretty messed up relationships since.  How do you begin to build a map of what's normal with that?  It's not like pornography is going to give any idea of "normal" or even "acceptable".
     
    Dating J for the past few months has helped.  It seems that finding the right person has been important.  We began very simply.  Very un-adventurous.  J didn't ask me what my fantasies are and when she's tried since I've gently but firmly avoided the question.  She's since told me she wants to try new things and doesn't really know what to try.  She wants me to come up with some ideas and that's where I'm being ultra careful.  Under no circumstance do I want what we do to be influenced by C and I know that my fantasies are still messed up.  So for the moment I'm able to come up with a few ideas and keep things a very long way from anything C ever talked about or tried to make me do.
     
    I know there will come a time when there is an overlap between what happened with C and what we do now.  But I'm working on building a map that starts with "vanilla" and works out from there.  Hopefully I can re-inforce that map enough so that when things become more "interesting" I don't find myself slipping into flashbacks during sex.