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About Iheartcupcakes

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    One Tough Cupcake
  • Birthday March 4

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    Reading, baking (hence my username :), becoming fluent in Spanish, social justice issues, singing, playing with my dog, Pepper, and fostering adoptable dogs.

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  1. Fall...cue the worsening flashbacks and nightmares....

    I had one on the way back from lunch and I thought I was going to have to pull over and vomit. It makes me hate myself. I guess because I feel weak, broken, messed up...even though I know that's not accurate. I am trying. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if okay?

    3. StrugglingMama


      Flashbacks are so very hard. Remember that feelings are liars! They feel so true, but they are lies. You suffering flashbacks and nightmares says nothing bad about you other than that you went through an extremely bad trauma. :throb:


    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you all so much. I need the hugs and @StrugglingMama i needed that reminder....

  2. I figured it out...I was wondering why I took such a dive when it turned to September. I thought well, it's fall now. That's why. The whole season is full of triggers. Then I remembered last night. The monster's birthday is 9/13. I don't want to remember that but I have for years. I've celebrated many of them with him at school. I've made him BIRTHDAY CAKES. And now on this birthday, he is in prison for raping me, robbing me, kidnapping me, burglarizing me, and taking property after he took all of me. I can't reconcile this. It's sick and twisted, and it makes me cry. 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. patriciag


      So sorry Amy, it is hard when trigger happen :throb:

    3. Juniperberry1900


      Sitting with you, if okay. 

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Sitters and hugs welcome. Thank you all. 


  3. I think you did, sir. Welcome. I hope you find all the support and help here that I have.
  4. A reporter and the photagrapher who covered all of my cases and took pictures of the monster for the newspaper are at my office. They are interviewing our PR guy about our new construction. I am at the front desk giving the receptionist a break so I had to deal with them. I pretended not to know the photographer. I just treated him like I would anyone else. I am so triggered right now. I feel scared, nervous, shaky, and that pit in your stomach of dread....like something awful is going to happen. It still hurts so much....I can't believe how quickly you can regress. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Kris78


      I am sorry that you are going through this. Remember that you are safe and he cannot hurt you anymore, you made sure of that. You are a strong woman a warrior, sometimes you will be triggered but it will pass. Your strength and confidence are things I admire of you. You handled it the best you could at the moment be proud of yourself. Safe:hug:and puppy snuggles :lindybear: 


    3. MermaidGirl91


      Lost on words but safe hugs.

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you @Kris78 @MermaidGirl91 and @rebeccam :throb: my dog and my foster puppy never fail to make me feel better. 

  5. VASQUEZ HAYES is a monster. He's scum, and I hope prison for him is hell just like what he has put me through was and is. Sorry...I just had to let that out to people who will understand and not roll their eyes at me for saying it again and again...

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes


      @Painnbroken thank you :hug:

      @lexip I think I needed that reminder. Thank you. 

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      @oceonwaves I am not sure but I hope not. I hope everyone knows he's a rapist among other things and wants him to pay for it. I know!!! That's so true!!!!

      I hope he doesn't. I hope he really knows how it feels to be unsafe and threatened...24/7. I still live that. 

      Thank you so much.

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      @rebeccam Thank you for that. I appreciate it so much. I need to rant and vent. You understand my predicament perfectly. 

  6. Wanted to tell you, love your profile picture,  beautiful

    1. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, Patricia :) I got a new haircut and highlights after YEARS of the same thing. I feel new. I wanted a picture to reflect that. 

  7. I just wanted to tell everyone that I love AS and this community. I love being a part of it, and I love interacting with all of you wonderful people. I just wanted you to know how thankful I am for each and every one of you. :throb:

  8. Met with an attorney today to fill out a grievance on each attorney with the AR Supreme Court Office on Professional Conduct. Even if they only reprimand them in a letter, I'll be satisfied. I want them put on notice that they WILL NOT treat people like they did me and not be called on it. If I have to contact future victims and help them do the same, I will...

    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. GaleH


      You go!!! That is awesome. That is not ok hiw they acted. You have to fight for every bit of yourself. Which is why you survived and are surviving. Im getting that way too. I make sure im getting the very best of treatment and am fighting for iy. Even if the treatment isnt good, i dig deep to not let it slip before i understand exactly what they are doing and what is going on. Are they not trained? Are they not doing their job? Are they noy educated? Are they not on my side? 

      Random question that you dont have to answer:

      Trigger warning:

      Do you think that it is useless to get a restraining order against a phychopath? 

      I would guess yes because it would trigger violence, and you cant reason with phychopaths?

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, @oceonwaves :throb: I am! LOL

      That's disgusting. I am afraid it's not uncommon though :( That has to change and that is what I am trying to work toward. 

      I know! I feel the same. 

      Thank you so much :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, @GaleH!

      I am not sure. That is a hard one. You are right that you can't reason with them. But it might help legally if they ever try to come near you again. 

  9. I support you, SociallyAwkward. I have been way too self-involved lately but I just wanted to stop in and read your entries and let you know that. You matter. Amy
  10. Why do I hate myself? 

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes


      @oceonwaves that makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much. 

      Thank you, @Free2Fly. I don't know why it's so hard. 

      @lexip I never thought of it that way. Thank you. 

      @limbodante I know you're right. I wish I knew how to stop. I will try that. Thank you. 

      @Whisper Thank you so much. Even though I try and try by doing things and reminding myself of what I have done, I still can't shake the absolute worthlessness. 

    3. limbodante


      Also, when in doubt, read your Vasquez thread again. You've moved and inspired so many people, and not everyone comments when they read a thread. With the statistics as they are, it's mindblowingly encouraging to find somebody succeeded where so many people think they'll fail. Your example is the kind of thing that can change lives. So never doubt your worth, or if you do, reread that thread or this one xD *hugs*

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      @limbodante you're awesome. THANK YOU. 

      I did reread it today because I hadn't realized I didn't respond. It is an amazing thread. All of your comments were so uplifting. And it feels SO GOOD to say that SOB's name without censorship. He's the one who should want to hide his face and identify...NOT ME. Hugs!

  11. I am going to respond in detail later to my threads, but I just wanted to tell each and every one of you how very much you mean to me. I love you all so much. I love AS. 

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes


      Annnnd...this is why I love all of you :throb: Thank you. 

    3. lexip


      I agree with the others, take time and rest, and to process everything you have been through, I didn't take care of myself at all after my trial lack it made everything worse but your smarted than me, eat well, sleep often and take care of you!! sending you my support (((AMY)))

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Lexi..I am NOT smarter than you. You did the best you could, I know. I am trying to take care of myself but it's hard. I still can't sleep but I am completely spent. 

  12. The TRIAL is NEXT WEEK. I am in knots waiting for Monday...

    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. Oneinamillion


      Sitting with you... Sending support too

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you @lexip and @Oneinamillion :throb:

      I can't believe it's nearly here. I am terrified. 

    4. Ian37


      Amy, every day that goes by only means it's even closer to the time that truth will come out once and for all and that some sort of justice will be served. Sitting with you for as long as necessary.

  13. The upcoming trial is torturing me. I feel like I am right in the path of a devouring monster and I can't move. I can't do anything, except to let it get me. I am so stressed out right now that my stomach is constantly hurting with stabbing pains, I can't sleep, and my anxiety med to take as needed isn't working. It's 10 days from pre-trial and the trial is a week after that. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Unsettled


      So sorry Amy, you are going to make it through this.  You can do this.  I hope you found some sort of peace over the weekend:hug:

    3. GaleH


      The book i cant get over it a handbook for trauma survivors, is the only thing that is has helped me in a long time or this much ever. It helps you make sense of everything and helps you see where self esteem needs to be improved and how to help with secondary wounding and teaches how to take really good care of ourselves. I think we have something in common tw: both our perpetrators we obsessed with us from a yound age and for years. Mine was obsessed with me and would groom and stalk me since we were in fifth grade. She is a millionare so even though she was so young there is a power imbalance between us. Anyway she would obsess over me moving further away feom her and freakes out when i almost koved out of state. Anyway. Being stalked and obsessed over for such a long period of time js mentally terrifying . 

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you all. I feel...well I can't put it into words. I am just scared, nervous, sick, but that doesn't cover it. 

      Last night I couldn't stop seeing myself opening the door and him standing there. I cried myself to sleep and all that would come out of myself was monster...over and over and over. That's all I could say. I was trying to prepare myself for testifying because I have to do another trial prep on Tuesday after the pre-trial hearing on Monday (if it is not put off again) and I COULD NOT. I could NOT make myself go past that first scene. It was way too much. I couldn't handle it. I am so broken. 

      @GaleH it is terrifying. I am so sorry you know how that feels. 

  14. Thinking of you :throb:

    1. tm2566


      Thank you cupcakes :throb:  :hug: