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About Iheartcupcakes

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    One Tough Cupcake
  • Birthday March 4

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    Reading, baking (hence my username :), becoming fluent in Spanish, social justice issues, singing, playing with my dog, Pepper, and fostering adoptable dogs.

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  1. I hurt. Exhausted. Anxiety off the charts. Nauseated. Afraid. 

    Can't concentrate. Hard to work. But I'm trying...trying not to be useless.

    Sad. Just want to cry but can't...or won't. Maybe what's even scarier is the very real possibility of not being able to stop.

    Feeling like next week is an evil, insidious monster that is creeping toward me, slowly and certainly. Waiting to devour me. Licking its teeth in anticipation...sharpening its claws. It knows it will destroy...and I can't stop it. 

    It thinks it has won. I will sink, sucked under. Dashed about on rocks and sand...held captive by the rip tide of grief and pain, suffocated...silenced. Completely engulfed. 

    But....it can't last forever. It won't. And when I am free of despair's grip, I will again be the winner. I will come out on the other side, and I will carry on...just like I have from day one of this awful journey. I will fight, and I will change the world...one heart at a time. 

    But now...now I hurt more deeply than there are words for. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Painnbroken


      You have every reason to be hurting love. Im sorry that you are.  Sitting with you and very safe gentle hugs to you dear. 

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      @Painnbroken Thank you friend. I am so happy to see you back. Love you!

    4. Painnbroken


      Thank you love and you’re very welcome!  I’m back well trying to be back fully.  Been very triggering and another Anniversary coming up ugh.  Sorry.  Just know you’re not alone my friend and love you too!   :hug:

  2. I was asked to speak to future criminal justice professionals at the university (Texas A&M here in my town) that I graduated from. They want me to speak to them about victimization and what I have gone through, including the SANE process and reporting/trial. Today is the day. I readily agreed but now I am so nervous. I feel like the SANE nurse is another abuser and it's hard. But, I think it's important for these future CJ professionals to know what it's like to be a victim since they will be working with them. I have to do this. I want to beg them to be kind and compassionate with anyone they come into contact with....

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes


      @HiddenHeart I read that with tears in my eyes. Thank you :throb:

    3. HiddenHeart


      Every word is true, dear one. :throb:

    4. snmls


      I'm so happy to hear it went well.  The comment that father gave you is making me teary eyed.  

  3. Thinking of you :throb: 

  4. I just want to say again how thankful I am to have found AS and even more so that you all have accepted and supported me. I am grateful to be a part of this community :throb: Each and every one of you mean the world. 

  5. Hey how's it going :) ?

  6. Fall...cue the worsening flashbacks and nightmares....

    I had one on the way back from lunch and I thought I was going to have to pull over and vomit. It makes me hate myself. I guess because I feel weak, broken, messed up...even though I know that's not accurate. I am trying. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if okay?

    3. StrugglingMama


      Flashbacks are so very hard. Remember that feelings are liars! They feel so true, but they are lies. You suffering flashbacks and nightmares says nothing bad about you other than that you went through an extremely bad trauma. :throb:


    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you all so much. I need the hugs and @StrugglingMama i needed that reminder....

  7. I figured it out...I was wondering why I took such a dive when it turned to September. I thought well, it's fall now. That's why. The whole season is full of triggers. Then I remembered last night. The monster's birthday is 9/13. I don't want to remember that but I have for years. I've celebrated many of them with him at school. I've made him BIRTHDAY CAKES. And now on this birthday, he is in prison for raping me, robbing me, kidnapping me, burglarizing me, and taking property after he took all of me. I can't reconcile this. It's sick and twisted, and it makes me cry. 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. patriciag


      So sorry Amy, it is hard when trigger happen :throb:

    3. Juniperberry1900


      Sitting with you, if okay. 

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Sitters and hugs welcome. Thank you all. 


  8. I think you did, sir. Welcome. I hope you find all the support and help here that I have.
  9. A reporter and the photagrapher who covered all of my cases and took pictures of the monster for the newspaper are at my office. They are interviewing our PR guy about our new construction. I am at the front desk giving the receptionist a break so I had to deal with them. I pretended not to know the photographer. I just treated him like I would anyone else. I am so triggered right now. I feel scared, nervous, shaky, and that pit in your stomach of dread....like something awful is going to happen. It still hurts so much....I can't believe how quickly you can regress. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Kris78


      I am sorry that you are going through this. Remember that you are safe and he cannot hurt you anymore, you made sure of that. You are a strong woman a warrior, sometimes you will be triggered but it will pass. Your strength and confidence are things I admire of you. You handled it the best you could at the moment be proud of yourself. Safe:hug:and puppy snuggles :lindybear: 


    3. MermaidGirl91


      Lost on words but safe hugs.

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you @Kris78 @MermaidGirl91 and @rebeccam :throb: my dog and my foster puppy never fail to make me feel better. 

  10. VASQUEZ HAYES is a monster. He's scum, and I hope prison for him is hell just like what he has put me through was and is. Sorry...I just had to let that out to people who will understand and not roll their eyes at me for saying it again and again...

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes


      @Painnbroken thank you :hug:

      @lexip I think I needed that reminder. Thank you. 

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      @oceonwaves I am not sure but I hope not. I hope everyone knows he's a rapist among other things and wants him to pay for it. I know!!! That's so true!!!!

      I hope he doesn't. I hope he really knows how it feels to be unsafe and threatened...24/7. I still live that. 

      Thank you so much.

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      @rebeccam Thank you for that. I appreciate it so much. I need to rant and vent. You understand my predicament perfectly. 

  11. Wanted to tell you, love your profile picture,  beautiful

    1. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, Patricia :) I got a new haircut and highlights after YEARS of the same thing. I feel new. I wanted a picture to reflect that. 

  12. I just wanted to tell everyone that I love AS and this community. I love being a part of it, and I love interacting with all of you wonderful people. I just wanted you to know how thankful I am for each and every one of you. :throb:

  13. Met with an attorney today to fill out a grievance on each attorney with the AR Supreme Court Office on Professional Conduct. Even if they only reprimand them in a letter, I'll be satisfied. I want them put on notice that they WILL NOT treat people like they did me and not be called on it. If I have to contact future victims and help them do the same, I will...

    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. GaleH


      You go!!! That is awesome. That is not ok hiw they acted. You have to fight for every bit of yourself. Which is why you survived and are surviving. Im getting that way too. I make sure im getting the very best of treatment and am fighting for iy. Even if the treatment isnt good, i dig deep to not let it slip before i understand exactly what they are doing and what is going on. Are they not trained? Are they not doing their job? Are they noy educated? Are they not on my side? 

      Random question that you dont have to answer:

      Trigger warning:

      Do you think that it is useless to get a restraining order against a phychopath? 

      I would guess yes because it would trigger violence, and you cant reason with phychopaths?

    3. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, @oceonwaves :throb: I am! LOL

      That's disgusting. I am afraid it's not uncommon though :( That has to change and that is what I am trying to work toward. 

      I know! I feel the same. 

      Thank you so much :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, @GaleH!

      I am not sure. That is a hard one. You are right that you can't reason with them. But it might help legally if they ever try to come near you again. 

  14. I support you, SociallyAwkward. I have been way too self-involved lately but I just wanted to stop in and read your entries and let you know that. You matter. Amy