Iheartcupcakes

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About Iheartcupcakes

  • Rank
    One Tough Cupcake
  • Birthday March 4

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Reading, baking (hence my username :), learning, social justice issues, singing, playing with my dog, Pepper, and spending time with my friends, family, and church.

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

10,871 profile views
  1. I support you, SociallyAwkward. I have been way too self-involved lately but I just wanted to stop in and read your entries and let you know that. You matter. Amy
  2. Why do I hate myself? 

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @oceonwaves that makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much. 

      Thank you, @Free2Fly. I don't know why it's so hard. 

      @lexip I never thought of it that way. Thank you. 

      @limbodante I know you're right. I wish I knew how to stop. I will try that. Thank you. 

      @Whisper Thank you so much. Even though I try and try by doing things and reminding myself of what I have done, I still can't shake the absolute worthlessness. 

    3. limbodante

      limbodante

      Also, when in doubt, read your Vasquez thread again. You've moved and inspired so many people, and not everyone comments when they read a thread. With the statistics as they are, it's mindblowingly encouraging to find somebody succeeded where so many people think they'll fail. Your example is the kind of thing that can change lives. So never doubt your worth, or if you do, reread that thread or this one xD *hugs*

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @limbodante you're awesome. THANK YOU. 

      I did reread it today because I hadn't realized I didn't respond. It is an amazing thread. All of your comments were so uplifting. And it feels SO GOOD to say that SOB's name without censorship. He's the one who should want to hide his face and identify...NOT ME. Hugs!

  3. I am going to respond in detail later to my threads, but I just wanted to tell each and every one of you how very much you mean to me. I love you all so much. I love AS. 

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Annnnd...this is why I love all of you :throb: Thank you. 

    3. lexip

      lexip

      I agree with the others, take time and rest, and to process everything you have been through, I didn't take care of myself at all after my trial lack it made everything worse but your smarted than me, eat well, sleep often and take care of you!! sending you my support (((AMY)))

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Lexi..I am NOT smarter than you. You did the best you could, I know. I am trying to take care of myself but it's hard. I still can't sleep but I am completely spent. 

  4. The TRIAL is NEXT WEEK. I am in knots waiting for Monday...

    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. Oneinamillion

      Oneinamillion

      Sitting with you... Sending support too

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you @lexip and @Oneinamillion :throb:

      I can't believe it's nearly here. I am terrified. 

    4. Ian37

      Ian37

      Amy, every day that goes by only means it's even closer to the time that truth will come out once and for all and that some sort of justice will be served. Sitting with you for as long as necessary.

  5. The upcoming trial is torturing me. I feel like I am right in the path of a devouring monster and I can't move. I can't do anything, except to let it get me. I am so stressed out right now that my stomach is constantly hurting with stabbing pains, I can't sleep, and my anxiety med to take as needed isn't working. It's 10 days from pre-trial and the trial is a week after that. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Unsettled

      Unsettled

      So sorry Amy, you are going to make it through this.  You can do this.  I hope you found some sort of peace over the weekend:hug:

    3. GaleH

      GaleH

      The book i cant get over it a handbook for trauma survivors, is the only thing that is has helped me in a long time or this much ever. It helps you make sense of everything and helps you see where self esteem needs to be improved and how to help with secondary wounding and teaches how to take really good care of ourselves. I think we have something in common tw: both our perpetrators we obsessed with us from a yound age and for years. Mine was obsessed with me and would groom and stalk me since we were in fifth grade. She is a millionare so even though she was so young there is a power imbalance between us. Anyway she would obsess over me moving further away feom her and freakes out when i almost koved out of state. Anyway. Being stalked and obsessed over for such a long period of time js mentally terrifying . 

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you all. I feel...well I can't put it into words. I am just scared, nervous, sick, but that doesn't cover it. 

      Last night I couldn't stop seeing myself opening the door and him standing there. I cried myself to sleep and all that would come out of myself was monster...over and over and over. That's all I could say. I was trying to prepare myself for testifying because I have to do another trial prep on Tuesday after the pre-trial hearing on Monday (if it is not put off again) and I COULD NOT. I could NOT make myself go past that first scene. It was way too much. I couldn't handle it. I am so broken. 

      @GaleH it is terrifying. I am so sorry you know how that feels. 

  6. Thinking of you :throb:

    1. tm2566

      tm2566

      Thank you cupcakes :throb:  :hug:

  7. Confused, hurting, old, broken, irreparable, unwanted, dirty, worthless...how I feel right now...

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Unsettled

      Unsettled

      We are all here for each other. I went to a theater performance "you don't know me" last night.  It was moving.  The biggest take away that I have from that performance is we are not alone in our  pain we gather here to be a beacon of light to guide one another through the darkness into the light.  If there is more that we can all do together as a group to end the injustices of sexual assault let's do it.  I will always be here for you so please do not give up on your self. You are beautiful 

    3. Ian37

      Ian37

      Amy, no matter how lonely you may temporarily feel, please know that you're truly never alone.

      :)

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you @Unsettled :throb: I'm trying. I'm so tired. 

      Thank you @Ian37

  8. Thinking of you and with you all the way tomorrow!  :hug::throb:  

    1. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      I was thinking of you too :throb: I pray you are well. 

  9. I'm sorry @Ausi. I believe you, too.
  10. I understand, @Ausi. For example, there are MANY forms of concrete, irrefutable evidence in my case. And still, when the defense filed a motion to do away with rape shield so they could attack me and my supposed sexual history (they are going to have to make one up because it consists of my former husband and the rapist) I was SO upset. They had a list of witnesses and even though I knew it would all be lies, I was still sick. I had my close friends all tell me they believed me yet again. I felt horrible. I KNOW what he did...and I KNOW there is so much evidence. But I was still insecure.
  11. I fear not being believed. I think they will think I am not thin and gorgeous and so why would anyone want to rape me. I try to press ahead anyway and for the most part I do. I am going to speak publicly after the trial concludes. I fear people thinking I am not good enough...which is insane, I know...
  12. I told the police. It went public from there because of media attention. It was leaked to my work and it spread around the district. Because of that I chose to be extremely open with everyone else. I told my entire family...blood and step. Either I told them or they were told by another member of my family with my permission. I told my best friend and her family. I chose to report because he was unknown (at the time) and I was terrified he would A) come back for me B) actually kill his next victim and C) because he stole my car and I had to report that for insurance purposes. I wondered if I would regret not reporting later and I decided that I had to TRY to get justice so I could move on. I really did not expect him to be caught. He was. Now I wonder if I can live WITH reporting. I am still battling it out in court. Everyone from my coworkers to my family and church has been extremely supportive. I am loved and they show me. Some don't talk about it much or ask me how things are going, but I understand why. This is a lot.
  13. Amy I know you have heard song over and over but I felt you need it for today, you are one of the strongest women I know.

     

    1. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      THANK YOU. I needed it today. I appreciate that reminder so much. 

  14. Today is my AS-iversary :throb: I joined a year ago today. I am thankful I stumbled across this site in a Google search for support groups because my town has no in-person ones. I am thankful I took the chance and joined, although I was unsure and felt unsafe. I now know it is safe here. I am supported and loved, and I am so thankful. Thank you to you all. I truly love and appreciate you. 

    Amy 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      I found AS the same way but in July or June I don't remember but yeah it's nice hear.

       

      glad you found it too Amy. :) 

       

      FREE2FLY :tealribbon::butterfly: 

    3. Iheartcupcakes
    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Your welcome :) 

  15. Thinking and praying for you :hug:  :throb:

    1. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you so much, @patriciag. I need it right now. It's 12:40am and I cannot sleep. I am just a jumble of pain and emotions. I didn't go to church. I came home from work and went to bed for a while. Then I got up and I can't settle down enough to sleep. I have to work tomorrow. This is hard. 

    2. patriciag