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About Iheartcupcakes

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    One Tough Cupcake
  • Birthday March 4

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  • Interests
    Reading, baking (hence my username :), becoming fluent in Spanish, social justice issues, singing, playing with my dog, Pepper, and fostering adoptable dogs.

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  1. Today is The Monster's birthday. He turned 24. 24. That hurts me so badly. So young....and he threw his life away. I remember him as he was before he hurt me, and I am just so sad today. It makes me sick. So many conflicting emotions....I could cry-for my pain, and for his foolishness and wasting his life. I am not livid and cursing the day like I have in the past. I am grieving. A friend said that was progress. I hope so....

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, @Free2Fly

      @Capulet I appreciate that so much. I guess it's a good thing that work is crazy busy this week with homecoming tomorrow. 

    3. Free2Fly


      Your welcome , safe hugs :hug: if ok?

    4. GaleH


      Mild tw

      I've heard in a sa recovery book on tape type of thing that, this person didn't feel as bad on their parents anniversary as much as her dads birthday. I think her parents or dad abused her. And the they were saying that the birthday is worse because it is the day they were born. If they were never born then they wouldn't have to go through the abuse. Or, their birth represents your abuse. So it would understandably be a tough trigger safe hugs 

  2. New to this

    Welcome. Redstar. I am so sorry for what brought you here, but I agree. Talking with others does help me, too.
  3. When I feel like I am losing strength you’re one of the people I think of

    1. Iheartcupcakes


      Oh... @alltheseyears. Oh my goodness. Speechless except for happy tears. Thank you for taking the time to tell me. It means more than I can say. 

  4. So hard to get out of bed the past few days. All I want to do is sleep and cuddle with my dogs. That's it. I don't want to work; I don't have the brain power. I don't want to talk to people; they can't make me better. Sleep does...unless I have more nightmares. Just feeling so very drained...

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      im sorry it's given up on you too, I can truely relate I'm far from the healthiest person on the planet right now...

      plus ive been having issues with meds cause the country has changed the rules so now I can't get them and I need them cause I have a vitamin d deficiency meaning I'm always aching & weak.

      i mean while I can get it from the sun the weather has been terrible here.

      hope you feel better soon though :) .

    3. Ian37


      Amy, change of any kind actually makes me very anxious. Even if it may be for the best. This is a lot of what I am likely experiencing right now. I just need to embrace change more I'm thinking and also flexibility in general. Just not easy when one is rather rigid in certain things like me.

      That is nice you get a little break during lunch at least. No way I can go home being my school is 30 minutes or so from my house. 



    4. lexip


      seriously did I write this?? I hear you, healing is so hard I have been having a rough just getting through the day it was a relief today to actually be "sick" because I knew I had a legit reason to stay home all day and sleep! that sounds SO messed up doesn't it, here for you,  hang in there amy!

  5. With the onset of fall, my PTSD symptoms are worsening. I am just sad. I guess I am remembering more often. I have noticed more nightmares and irrational dreams. Just trying to carry on even though I am depressed and exhausted. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes


      Thanks, @Capulet. It used to be my favorite. I am so angry that he took that, too. 

    3. lexip


      I feel the fall is contributing to my latest ptsd flare up too as well as constantly being near the centre of town for work hang in there I no this time of year is not easy for u

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      Thanks, Lex :throb:

  6. Saw a meme that captures my life right now...

    "My life is like a Taylor Swift song....

    I go on too many dates, but I can't make them stay."


    1. Capulet



      The one who stays will be the one that's worth your affections. 

    2. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you, friend. I know you understand what I am talking about. I appreciate that so much. 

  7. Just know that if you are here to do AS or any of my friends here harm, I will come for you. 

    That is all :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Capulet


      And I will 100 percent be right behind you, @Iheartcupcakes.  


    3. Kmkz


       Backing you up

    4. Ian37


      What exactly is going on, Amy? Is everything okay?


  8. The Monster earned his GED in prison last month. Without thinking, my first reaction was positive. POSITIVE. I thought, "Oh that's wonderful! I am so prou-" When I realized the word proud was coming I stopped short. I realized it wasn't Vasquez that I was thinking of. He is gone. The sweet kid I taught and loved is gone. He is now The Monster and I was sick to my stomach. How on earth could I forget? Even for a second?? Why would my mind EVER remember who he used to be before he terrorized and tore my life to shreds? 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Ian37


      Amy, he can earn his Ph. D. going forward. Still not going to change a single thing he did to you. Nor that his dark and sorry self is bound to rot in prison without ever again seeing the light of day.


    3. Iheartcupcakes


      @EmptyInside Yes....thank you. It was a moment like that...just for a split second, I remembered the person he used to be. In case you don't know my story, I will just say that I am 12 years older than him. I taught him in church school and I loved him like a nephew. He did things with my now ex-husband and I, our church was like family, etc. He grew up, went the wrong way, and then came back into my life as an adult with a sick obsession that I had no clue of. He was 21 and I was 33 when he attacked me in my home with a gun and committed several felonies. I think you are right and thank you so much...my heart just wanted it to not be true...wanted to have compassion and wanted what I have always wanted...for him to succeed and not be like his family. I am still heartbroken not only over the horrific things he did but that it was HIM. 

    4. Iheartcupcakes


      @Capulet once again you have helped me :throb: Thank you. I will learn to see it like that instead of beating myself up as some kind of crazy person. Thank you so, so much for your words. I needed to hear them. 

      @Ian37 Thank you, friend. You're so right. 

      @Hawkgirl Yes...you're exactly right. Had he not been my monster, I would have been overjoyed and so proud of his success. I think I want desperately to be, but I can't because of what he did...I can't forget it. And I know I shouldn't. It's just so hard. Thank you so much for your kind words. 

  9. My friend!!!!! :throb:

    1. aftersilence1


      I missed you, @Iheartcupcakes! It's good to be back. :hug:

    2. Iheartcupcakes


      Same!!! I'm sorry I am such an awful keeper-in-toucher, lol. 

  10. Trying to Help after the Rape Kit

    I would really like to help you. I had a horrific SANE/ER experience and I really want to help make things better for others. Please message me if you would like.
  11. DeadPool 2 and the Awkward Sight

    I am so glad Yes...I am so thankful it wasn't the monster. Thank you, friend. I am sorry to say you are probably right.
  12. DeadPool 2 and the Awkward Sight

    I am so sorry you had that experience, but glad you weren't alone. Your boyfriend seems supportive and I am thankful for that, too. I know how it feels..I often see family members of the monster I put in prison for life and they hate me. They know he is guilty. They saw all of the evidence and heard him admit it. It's a punch to the gut. I am so sorry you went through that.
  13. I am counting getting out of bed today as a major victory. I just wanted to stay home where people cannot attack me. I forced myself to go to work which was no easy feat. An article came out in a magazine this weekend for which I interviewed. I will post it. I got great feedback but of course you have to deal with the usual ignorance, too. Things like this always drain me and I don't know why. There were some issues with people on Facebook and I am just feeling too vulnerable right now. I feel like I just need to hide away at home and avoid people, even online. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. ActivistAlly
    3. Iheartcupcakes


      Thank you all for the hugs and support. I think I need April to be over. 

    4. Free2Fly


      Couldn't agree more I hate this month. :hug: 

  14. My heart is in pain

    I am so very sorry for what happened to you and to your daughter. It's not fair or right. I am so sorry you are hurting. You are not alone, and neither is your daughter. We all know how it hurts and will be here to offer you support and the hope you seek. May I ask if you have any resources available to you where you are, such as a crisis center? I will tell you for myself that seeing a counselor/therapist has been a lifeline. Is that a possibility for you and your daughter? Supporting you! Amy