wolfennights

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About wolfennights

  • Rank
    Trans, She and Her Pronouns Please

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Midwest, USA
  • Interests
    Computer Programming

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Im prioritizing my need for sleep and my mental health over a late project thats due. Feeling really guilty for not pulling an all nighter right now. Please send hugs.

    1. Kmkz
    2. snmls

      snmls

      Sleep is always a good choice.  My personal belief is that nothing good comes out of pulling an all nighter.  Don't feel guilty.  You need your rest to do you best work. 

      :hug:

  2. *TW* Moods this week

    So starting this month I've been on one dose of Wellbutrin right when I wake up and two doses four hours apart of Adderall, each per day. I've noticed I get really anxious and depressed if I am alone after my second dose wears off. Some nights almost suicidal. Two weeks ago over the weekend meds wore off and I got so anxious and hopeless that I self harmed for the first time in years. The next morning I had to have someone talk me out of committing suicide (as in, I was seriously considering it but I worded it to them that I was just triggered and tempted to self harm) and walk me through some grounding techniques. Then the next day in the evening I was feeling ignored by some friends and didn't wanna walk home alone, so I kept trying to hint that I couldn't walk home without someone to stop me from thinking some REALLY BAD thoughts when crossing over the bridge to my house. They were able to talk to me and calm me down (even when I wanted the two of them to tell me how much they hated me and wanted me to go away permanently). My mood has been all over the place this last week. At least the last two days have been good. I got one exam grade back Monday that I failed, two more exams on Tuesday that I failed. Wednesday morning I just did not want to see or be seen by anyone. I went to class anyway and got back the exam itself, but was too self conscious to ask for help from ANY of my classmates. I was feeling ignored again by the same friends and had to leave to go to my car and cry. But then once the friend that I am seeing casually messaged me and walked with me around campus, I felt better. They (singular) are still hung up over their ex (the other friend) so I understand them being in their own little world and not paying attention to me. I expressed to them my concerns and we were able to compromise. Their ex is also my roommate, so it's really hard to say if I am jealous of my roommate for having someone who loves her so strongly or if I'm jealous over my casual partner because I'm catching feelings for them. My weekend is looking up. I didn't sleep much last night but I am still feeling the (platonic) love and affection from last night, which is enough for me. I have a lot of projects to do, but I actually feel confident I can do them compared to the weekend from two weeks ago. I hate being so dependant on my friends for love and affection, but I've been alone for such a long period of my life that I need constant reminders from my friends they appreciate me. I've always struggled with the fear my friends secretly hate me and are just tolerating my existence, but not when I am around my casual partner or some of my other friends. My fears have been assuaged more and more over the last month the more I talk about my feelings of paranoia, and people have been inviting me out more it seems. So that's nice. It's hard to say what effects from the meds have been helped, worsened, or have stayed the same. Like, they say "alert your doctor if you have suicidal thoughts." But I have always had them, and my PTSD and focus are so much better on these meds. It only gets that bad if I hyperfocus on my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness, which I have successfully avoided this week through friends and therapy.
  3. Some days are going to be too much for you. And that's okay. Remember that your brain is recovering from trauma and will need to be taken care of more than non-survivors. Think of it like a broken foot that you need to not walk on for a bit.

  4. have always hated stories where the prince gets the princess, but idk if it was before my childhood trauma or like a couple years after.

  5. Me to me: let's do everything we're afraid of today. I am the best and I deserve the best, don't think of when this will wear off, we have no sleep and no fear.

  6. I noticed today that I view friendships as I'm either their most important bestest friebd or I mean nothing and I'm irreplaceable to them. If they say they like having me around but don't shower me in love and affection and inviting me out, I assume its all an act.

    1. pawter

      pawter

      I feel the same way. Like exactly the same. 

  7. my story TW

    (tw to myself: graphic memory details of child on child sexual abuse, don't read unless you're in a good place) . . . . . . . . When my brother and I were young, we used to play with Barbies and makeup. I also used to cover my entire waist with a towel when stepping out of the shower and would pretend to be a princess when playing with this one kid, Tyler. One day, we were playing a game, and Tyler made me do things that I had repressed. The only thing I could remember for the longest time was him holding me down while spitting on my face and kissing me, and him exposing himself to me. I only recovered the memories of what happened afterwards last year and have had PTSD flashbacks from those memories since. A couple years later, I asked my mother if it were possible the doctors were wrong and I had been born a girl. Around that timeframe my brother also came out as gay. When he was outed to me five years later at school, I started to unlearn my parents' homophobia and began to support him, but because I couldn't remember who hurt me (bc I thought it was him for what seemed the longest time) I denied the memories I had not repressed AND my trauma bc I wanted to support him. Ten years later, my brother got back in touch with the guy, I remembered who he was AND started questioning my gender. My acceptance of my trans womanhood has also meant accepting my childhood trauma, and it has been really tough over the last two years. But at the same time, the last two years has been the most like myself I have ever felt. I don't talk to my family like I use to. My dad says "you don't know what it's like losing a son." Mom: "Did you even ask if I wanted a daughter? You'll never know what it's really like to be a woman!" She also blamed my brother My brother, who was slapped by my mother after he came out: "Listen, man "girl," mom sacrificed everything for you! Go on and be a radical feminist, you prick!"
  8. Someone with spoons message me so I can vent. I need to let out the feelings I repressed for 20 years.

  9. I'll have to remember to write a thread about all the weird, lonely, depressing dreams I had shortly after my trauma as a child and the two years after that I repressed them until I was completely numb to it and in denial as a teenager and young adult. All those little signs I ignored and that if the right person had noticed I could have gotten help sooner.

    1. fallenstar

      fallenstar

      I would like to encourage you to do so when you are ready. It's healthy to share and having a discussion about such dreams would benefit many including me. Supporting you

  10. I am stronger than anyone who has ever hurt me.

    1. howlieowl

      howlieowl

      :clap:yes you are!

    2. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      :goodpost2: You certainly are!

    3. snmls
  11. Hi Morgen. I am Brianna. I am a trans woman. I am on HRT as well. Glad to see another trans person here, even if its not under ideal circumstances. Have you ever heard of Against Me? The lead singer is a trans woman. I actually started questioning my gender because of her. My gf is also genderfluid and demisexual, and my roommate is a trans woman as well. Its so nice having a community of other lgbt people.
  12. some1 in a listening mood mind messaging me. slight tw for trauma/brainwierd stuff but nothing graphic or urgent.

    1. limbodante

      limbodante

      Can't make any guarantees I can help, but I can listen, what's up?

  13. When do you stop feeling like you belong to your abuser?

    1. Annie7

      Annie7

      I wish I knew ;( 

    2. limbodante

      limbodante

      When you decide you don't and start learning healthier mental habits. The flashbacks and triggers will take longer, but they're residual damage, they're not indicative of their ownership of you.

    3. GaleH

      GaleH

      I struggle with this, everything i do i can hear my abusers voice telling me im gross sick wrong bad ugly dirty slutty etc. No matter what i do. Eating getting ready for the day etc

  14. I had a dream where my real mom died right around the time of my trauma and was replaced with the person who I knew from then on as my mother. In my dream, I cried angrily to my dad for not having any photos or mementos of her, and crying alone for my lost childhood since the mother I had grown up with was narcissistic and overly critical and emotionally abusive. Then I woke up and realized that no, she is my biological mother. There is no other family waiting for their lost daughter to return.