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    IN, USA
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    reading, dogs, anime, art, drawing

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  1. lanie

    im tired

    im seeing a psychiatrist soon. i relapsed and my tics are getting worse. i feel like a burden to my roommate. im just tired of feeling this way. i have so many things i want to do i dont have time for this.
  2. lanie

    confession (tw)

    i need to confess. i am planning on hurting myself tonight, just to see if it still helps me deal. ive been clean almost six years. but in a few days it will have been a year since ive been assaulted. i have all these feelings and i just need some type of release. i just want to see if it will work. im not okay. i have therapy tomorrow so we will see how that goes. my new meds are having weird effects too. i need to call my doctor. i am hurting and i just wish i could breathe. i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. its just hitting me its been almost a year. i just cant breat
  3. lanie


    mom, you dont understand and i dont want you to if you did, id be able to talk to you but if you did, i know that means youll relate and hurt like me but it hurts even more that you dont understand and i hate that i feel that way. i just wanted my mom. not some woman i love pushing religion down my throat. i just wanted a hug. i wanted comfort. not a lesson i already learned. i didnt need a review.
  4. 46 days. 46 days and it will have been a year since my assault. i am back on campus and for the most part i dont get anxious leaving my room everyday, only sometimes. ive only had a few panic attacks in the past week. i feel like my roommate thinks im all better because i can talk about boys again with out being triggered. she talks about this guy she likes all the time and interrupts my studying bc she is always facetiming him or wants to tell me what he did or how she really wants to sleep with him. she even said she missed being able to talk about those tings with me which makes me fee
  5. over the weekend i was invited to spend the night with my friend and her 3 guy friends. one of them is gay, another ive known for years and the other is like a stranger. so is the one who is gay but i was nervous around him. i actually had a really good time the whole night and my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. i didnt even think about the fact i was hanging out with three other guys. i am glad i went. i like to think it is progress. but sometimes the most random things still trigger me. i still dissociate like crazy. i will randomly have a hard time breathing and i feel hyperaware
  6. lanie

    im feeling.....?

    i dont know when my last post was. its been a while. lately im feeling angry with the whole world. i am at home now, not at school anymore. my anxiety is awful. its so bad. i don tthink its ever been this bad. but i have figured out more of my sexuality. theres actually a girl i like. i met her on a trip to ireland through my school and she lives a few hours away from me. i am going to stay with her for a weekend. im actually pretty certain she likes me too but i will face that when it comes to it. i like her a lot but i am not ready for a relationship and i am NOT ready for a girlfriend. i ha
  7. lanie

    im mad at my roommate

    last night i ate some edibles with my friends and my roommate has been talking to this guy john for three weeks now and he lives an hour away. hes has been cancelling all their plans tp get together. last night he was free so she asked me of he could come over and spend the night. i have a rough time still being in a room with guys let alone sleeping in the same room. its only happened once and its with my REALLY close guy friend and even then he was across the room. but since i would be high i thought i wouldnt care. she promised me nothing would happen and they would just cuddle and watch cr
  8. lanie

    progress???? idk

    I may be going out with a guy next weekend? im not sure if i am yet. i want to. he seems like a decent guy and we like the same stuff. it doesn't hurt he has two absolutely adorable dogs. my roommate thinks i should go because she says i need to get out more. I really really want to but i am so nervous. i told him id have to check my work schedule and get back to him but i would definitely like to. i am doing decently i guess? i have been eating more, although i try not to think about it. i have been trying push myself in school and even brought one of my grades up. I am making friends
  9. lanie

    i messed up

    yes please. i accept safe hugs. Sometimes it really feels like it but i know im not alone. i wouldnt mind if you sat with me. thank you so much
  10. lanie

    update on life i guess

    let me first start off by saying I DONT WANT TO KILL MYSELF. but recently i have had a fascination with death? i dont know how to explain it. i have been looking up carbon monoxide suicides because i just keep thinking about the way you pretty much just fall asleep. i have thought about relapsing in self harm again but i havent. yeah i miss it but is it worth the hassle of hiding it from my roommate? is that a weird reason to not hurt myself? i also think about death by hanging or how it would feel to die. i know this all sounds so fucked up and i get that. i hinest to god dont want to kill my
  11. lanie

    i messed up

    i had a few drinks the other night and broke my two week streak. im disappointed in myself. and i can always feel the judgement of my roommate if i take cbd capsules or gummies to sleep. i have therapy for the first time in two years tomorrow and im nervous. lately i have been feeling sick and anxious. like i get so nauseous from being anxious i feel the bile at the back of my throat. i met a girl and she made me realize im into girls but then i found out she went to the frat and knew the guy who assaulted me, i no longer want anything to do with her, but i feel bad because she doesnt know. i
  12. lanie

    im dealing with it.

    starting next week i am going to therapy every thursday. i havent had a drink and gotten high in two weeks. but its been hard. one of the reasons i stopped getting high is because of my roommate even though i only take edibles, she says it makes her uncomfortable. by i cant sleep and my anxiety tics are back. my body spasms uncontrollably and my face twitches, like im blinking really hard. from an outside point of view i look like im tweaking out. in pictures my eyes look so sad. i barely went to classes this week. i havent done homework for my math class since beginning of February. im lettin
  13. I am losing myself again. i thought i was getting better but i am not at all. i havent had any panic attacks lately but i am slipping back into bad habits. i barely eat 400 calories a day, i dont sleep much and when i do its only because i drink alcohol or get high, i am letting my dishes pile up and the same with my laundry, i am snapping at those around me for no reason, i am isolating myself so i dont hurt their feelings but do so in the process, i am getting behind in schoolwork, i want to skip classes i can barely get out of bed. i ruin everything good in my life. i am tearing myself apar
  14. lanie

    its been a while

    I lift for winter break early so its been about a month and a half since i have last visited this site. i was stayin gat home for the holidays, four hours away from campus. i am back on campus. i thought i was getting better. i was wrong. i have been fine until last night. my roommate was watching a video of some celebrity reading thirst tweets and it got pretty explicit. i started to have a panic attack. i didn tell my roommate, i just laid in my bed quietly like i was on my phone. when i got down off my bed, my roommate asked if i was okay because i had been quiet, i thought about lying but
  15. lanie


    i told my om when i went home for thanksgiving break. it was the fourth night i think if me being there. I started crying as soon as i saw her, just absolute complete ugly crying. she didnt react the way i thought she would. she was very quiet and apologized that it had happened to me. she asked if i told my dad yet and i said no and she offered to tell him for me. so she did. he didnt talk to me the rest of the night. i know he doesnt think less of me or blame me but i dont understand why he wouldnt look at me. i just kept sobbing. i was in the living room and my house is small so theres no w
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