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    IN, USA
  • Interests
    reading, dogs, anime, art, drawing

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523 profile views
  1. lanie

    im mad at my roommate

    last night i ate some edibles with my friends and my roommate has been talking to this guy john for three weeks now and he lives an hour away. hes has been cancelling all their plans tp get together. last night he was free so she asked me of he could come over and spend the night. i have a rough time still being in a room with guys let alone sleeping in the same room. its only happened once and its with my REALLY close guy friend and even then he was across the room. but since i would be high i thought i wouldnt care. she promised me nothing would happen and they would just cuddle and watch cr
  2. lanie

    progress???? idk

    I may be going out with a guy next weekend? im not sure if i am yet. i want to. he seems like a decent guy and we like the same stuff. it doesn't hurt he has two absolutely adorable dogs. my roommate thinks i should go because she says i need to get out more. I really really want to but i am so nervous. i told him id have to check my work schedule and get back to him but i would definitely like to. i am doing decently i guess? i have been eating more, although i try not to think about it. i have been trying push myself in school and even brought one of my grades up. I am making friends
  3. lanie

    i messed up

    yes please. i accept safe hugs. Sometimes it really feels like it but i know im not alone. i wouldnt mind if you sat with me. thank you so much
  4. lanie

    update on life i guess

    let me first start off by saying I DONT WANT TO KILL MYSELF. but recently i have had a fascination with death? i dont know how to explain it. i have been looking up carbon monoxide suicides because i just keep thinking about the way you pretty much just fall asleep. i have thought about relapsing in self harm again but i havent. yeah i miss it but is it worth the hassle of hiding it from my roommate? is that a weird reason to not hurt myself? i also think about death by hanging or how it would feel to die. i know this all sounds so fucked up and i get that. i hinest to god dont want to kill my
  5. lanie

    i messed up

    i had a few drinks the other night and broke my two week streak. im disappointed in myself. and i can always feel the judgement of my roommate if i take cbd capsules or gummies to sleep. i have therapy for the first time in two years tomorrow and im nervous. lately i have been feeling sick and anxious. like i get so nauseous from being anxious i feel the bile at the back of my throat. i met a girl and she made me realize im into girls but then i found out she went to the frat and knew the guy who assaulted me, i no longer want anything to do with her, but i feel bad because she doesnt know. i
  6. lanie

    im dealing with it.

    starting next week i am going to therapy every thursday. i havent had a drink and gotten high in two weeks. but its been hard. one of the reasons i stopped getting high is because of my roommate even though i only take edibles, she says it makes her uncomfortable. by i cant sleep and my anxiety tics are back. my body spasms uncontrollably and my face twitches, like im blinking really hard. from an outside point of view i look like im tweaking out. in pictures my eyes look so sad. i barely went to classes this week. i havent done homework for my math class since beginning of February. im lettin
  7. I am losing myself again. i thought i was getting better but i am not at all. i havent had any panic attacks lately but i am slipping back into bad habits. i barely eat 400 calories a day, i dont sleep much and when i do its only because i drink alcohol or get high, i am letting my dishes pile up and the same with my laundry, i am snapping at those around me for no reason, i am isolating myself so i dont hurt their feelings but do so in the process, i am getting behind in schoolwork, i want to skip classes i can barely get out of bed. i ruin everything good in my life. i am tearing myself apar
  8. lanie

    its been a while

    I lift for winter break early so its been about a month and a half since i have last visited this site. i was stayin gat home for the holidays, four hours away from campus. i am back on campus. i thought i was getting better. i was wrong. i have been fine until last night. my roommate was watching a video of some celebrity reading thirst tweets and it got pretty explicit. i started to have a panic attack. i didn tell my roommate, i just laid in my bed quietly like i was on my phone. when i got down off my bed, my roommate asked if i was okay because i had been quiet, i thought about lying but
  9. lanie


    i told my om when i went home for thanksgiving break. it was the fourth night i think if me being there. I started crying as soon as i saw her, just absolute complete ugly crying. she didnt react the way i thought she would. she was very quiet and apologized that it had happened to me. she asked if i told my dad yet and i said no and she offered to tell him for me. so she did. he didnt talk to me the rest of the night. i know he doesnt think less of me or blame me but i dont understand why he wouldnt look at me. i just kept sobbing. i was in the living room and my house is small so theres no w
  10. this weekend i am visiting a friend at a college an hour a way from me and one of my guy friends will be there. we will have to sleep on the floor together. i guess it will be a test run and see how i do around guys. i am nervous and scared. the last time i slept next to him he kept rolling over on top of me in his sleep. god knows what ill do if i wake up to that now.
  11. lanie

    i tried

    today i went to the counseling center and got waitlisted until the end of the year, possibly even next year. so that was pointless. I went to the dining hall for the first time since it happened. i was paranoid the whole time and i couldn't relax. i was on edge the whole time. i felt like i was on the look out the whole time. i had to leave because i felt sick. i ended up having an anxiety attack when i got back to my room. but i tried. i really did. im trying to make big steps in little time because i am tired of living like this. i want to go to the gym and workout til i pass out to get my a
  12. lanie


    Thank you so much. I also was assaulted a few weeks ago. three weeks ago as of tomorrow actually. i am also here if you want to message me. i finally showered today. its been rough again. youre right. there are days where it feels like im normal again. but then there are really really bad days where i cant seem to leave my bed. luckily i have a roommate who really cares and helps me. I hope you have someone like that for you. feel free to message me anytime. I would be honored to be apart of your support system.
  13. lanie


    i had my first nightmare about him. its been about two weeks so i don't know why they are just starting now. my depression is getting bad again. i haven't showered in two days,i am isolating myself, i don't eat, i don't sleep, i dont care if i go to class or get a bad grade. i feel numb, like im going through the motions. i thought of hurting myself like i used to but im almost 5 years clean. its so tempting but i know im stronger than that. i feel sick a lot. all my friends keep saying "sorry i know you don tlike to talk about guys but...." its driving me fucking insane. do they even care?
  14. lanie

    a letter to him pt 2

    fuck you. you ruined me. you broke me and i dont know how to fix it. i was a damn fool to have ever trusted you. you make me feel weak. i hate you. i hate everything about you. i hate myself. i hate that i have to live with a body you touched. how do you live with yourself? do you even know what you did was wrong? are you aware you ruined my entire life? Are you? how am i supposed to live like this
  15. lanie

    does the fear ever go away?

    Thank you. I am sorry to have found you here but I am rooting for you as well.
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