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There's no way back
RisingLotus615 commented on kmdiamond17's blog entry in I need a blog I talk too much
Is there anything i can do to help support you? seems like you are having a really hard time right now. -
For me, the emotions came later. I was able to recall pieces of memories from the abuse and had no feelings attached. It was as if it happened to someone else. slowly, with lots of therapy, i was able to integrate the emotions with the memories and move forward in my healing. Best of luck on your healing journey
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I am not sure how to begin writing. The perfectionist in me wants to ensure I sound eloquent, creative, interesting, and intelligent. The voice in my head is telling me that nothing I write will be good enough. It will not have any value so why even bother. The voice is telling me I will fail. The fear of failure is paralyzing. It keeps me stuck. I cannot promise that my blog will be a work of art. However, I can promise it will be honest and authentic. I am writing this blog for myself. I am writing in order to process and heal from my trauma. In the fall of 2009, I was a junior in college. I was obsessed with the idea of getting into medical school and becoming a physician. I needed more volunteer experiences to improve my chances of being accepted. At the time, I was volunteering at a suicide hotline, big brother big sister, a hospital, and with habitat for humanity. For me, the next logical volunteer experience was with the local YWCA as a sexual assault advocate. The 40-hour training on sexual violence was filled with statistics, research, and information on sexual violence. Additionally, it provided training on how I, as a sexual assault advocate, could help individuals that had experienced sexual violence. As a volunteer sexual assault advocate, I answered a hotline for survivors of sexual violence and accompanied women to the hospital after an assault. I was passionate about the work I was doing to help these women and devastated that there was a need for this service. The training and volunteer work opened my eyes to the horrors and detrimental effects of sexual violence. Consequently, it also brought back the deeply buried memories of my own abuse. During one of the classes we were given an assignment to depict a road map of our life. On a large poster board I mapped out significant events in my life both good and bad. This included the typical stuff such as birth, graduating high school, moving, and starting college. It also depicted a sexual assault I experienced at the age of 17. I stood up to present my poster board to the class. I had left significant amounts of my childhood blank and skimmed over it as I was presenting. As I looked at the blank section of my board that stood for ages 9ish through 11ish a heavy darkness came over me and I was briefly unable to speak. I quickly completed my presentation and returned to my seat. Once in my seat I began sobbing. The memories came back in pieces. Along with this new realization that what he did was wrong. The pain, guilt, and shame consumed me. These memories and emotions that my brain kept hidden from me were being ripped from their deep hiding place and pulled into my conscious awareness. It was unbearable and I began spiraling into a deep depression.
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Hi Tirzah, I am also new and it sounds like you are having very similar psychological systems as me. I can be here for! ❤🕯
- Yesterday
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Hi Harmony, I am very sorry for the reason that brings you here...including the struggles you face and the trial that you are about to go thru. It takes great courage to be part of a trial that could bring some justice for the wrong done to you and courage to reach out to others. You will find tons of support here. You are not alone. Take your time looking around and interact more when you feel ready. I wish you nothing but the best on this healing journey. Mary
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This is my first post and like everyone I'm here for support and understanding. The trial for my case is coming up and I'm so conflicted. The nightmares, anxiety and fear is constant. I see his face everywhere.
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Hi Someone, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the reason that brought you here, but you will find tons of support. Our members are understanding and kind. I spent years in the denial you speak of, but I have found it helpful to be here. I feel less alone than I ever did before. Take your time and look around. When you are comfortable, jump in. I am glad you have found us and wish you the very best on your journey of healing. Mary
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Hi @Someone128 and welcome to AS! I’m sorry for what happened to you, but glad you found our site. It is a very supportive and welcoming community and a great place to share your story (once you get to 10 posts the Share My Story forum will be unlocked). Take your time looking around and getting familiar with everything. What happened to you was not your fault, and you can heal. Safe hugs, if okay.
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Hi, Tirzah, and welcome!
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Hello I'm new to this page. I have never really got out of the denial part never told anyone what happened to me. I found this site and thought the anonymous part would help me open up to be able to talk/deal with everything. Not sure where to start but hello to you and I'm so sorry for what you have went through. Thanks for taking the time to read.
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So I was looking up things that you cause use for self defense in Canada hoping to find something that could help me calm down when walking. The thing is pretty much all forms of pepper spray or stun guns are illegal. I don't want to seriously hurt someone trying to get away......... knives are allowed to be carried but bear spray in urban areas isn't allowed and you can get picked up by the cops if you have a knife and they think you're suspicious........ what is wrong with this picture?
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RisingLotus615 changed their profile photo
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Thank you.
- Last week
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@GordyGood for you for getting back into therapy. I’m numb with my memories too at the moment. With time my emotions come and go, I feel like having the emotion connected with the memory of the event is very important in healing. You have to feel the emotion you felt that/those moments in order to complete it and release it. I just read trauma and memory by Peter Levine, it was an informative read in really sorry about your mom. I hope they’re able to prevent him from visiting her anymore and also find her phone. Sitting with you and safe hugs
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Dear @maxinemorri, It was brave of you to reach out to us and it is understandable you'd feel nervous posting the first time. The good news is this site is full of kind and supportive people who understand what you've been through. Feel free to take your time reading through our different forums and then posting whenever you are comfortable Blessings, Gold Raindrops
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So I went to my second therapy session , I plan on doing this once a week for at least a year . we started talking about some to childhood memories and she had me walk her through a couple of them that I told her before about . and she asked me what emotions I felt when I recalled these memories . None . I went though the memory of me walking in the kitchen with that gun to shoot my stepfather . And she asked me "what emotions did you feel when you did that" . There's absolutely no emotion attached that memory . She asked me how do you think you felt , I said imagine fear and anger . It seems weird to me that I can call up what few memories I have of my childhood and there's absolutely no emotions attached . I guess it's something we're gonna have to work on . And as for the situation with my mother , the land line is tied in. the nursing home let me talk to her on the 16th . My brother is still refusing to return the phone . As far as I know he hasn't given her her cell phone back . I'm going to call her tomorrow and see what's going on. He visits her on Saturday so I'm not going to call while he's there. She told me that he's emotionally abusive when he's there , that he's a control freak and everything has to be done his way . She's telling me she doesn't even argue with him anymore she just does what she's told . And every time she talks about a memory he calls her a liar . When me and him were still talking I mentioned that she told me about memories that I remember . And he was trying to convince me she was just lying about stuff and that I don't really remember it . I was supposed to hear from APS yesterday but I didn't . I'm going to call them Monday afternoon if I don't hear anything to see what's going on . I believe they opened up a formal investigation . My wife reported the phone stolen to the police department of the small town he lives in . They're not sure if they can do anything about it .
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Dear @Tirzah, I'm sorry for all the pain you've had to endure, but it sounds like you are already starting to take courageous steps in the direction of healing. This is a site full of kind and understanding people and we are there to help and support each other. Take your time reading through all the different forums we have available and post whenever you feel comfortable. Sending you peace and healing, Gold Raindrops
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Welcome to AS @Tirzah, it's very courageous of you to join and reach out. I hear how terrified and ashamed you're feeling, they're common feelings associated with trauma. It's easier to say than believe but what happened was not your fault, at all and the shame doesn't belong to you. Sending you support as the one year anniversary approaches. Kmkz
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Welcome to AS @maxinemorri, it's understandable feeling nervous and apprehensive. Take your time getting acquainted with the site, post when you feel safe and comfortable. I hope you'll feel less alone, supported and understood here.
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Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot to say it, write it, even to click post/submit, etc. You are a very strong person. There's a phrase that Aly Raisman said that made me feel less alone for the first time and it goes: "we may suffer alone but we survive together" You are not alone in this. Please know you can message me if you ever need to chat.
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Hi mainemorri, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma that you've endured as a child. It was so wrong and unfair for anyone to hurt you. The struggles we face do seem to linger long after, which is also so unfair. I am glad you found AfterSilence tho. We have many understanding and kind member here who do understand your struggles. You are not alone. Take your time to look around and when you are ready feel free to start to interact some more. I wish you the very best on this journey of healing. Mary
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Hi Tirzah, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what happened to you nearly a year ago, it was wrong, as nobody has the right to hurt you so. Be assured tho that you will find tons of support from our understanding and kind members. You are not alone. You are truly correct in saying this is a step...it's a huge one. I was one who spent many years in denial and it only makes things very difficult. You have taken this huge step and I wish you many more on this journey of healing. Mary
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Hello. I am new and just now opening up and talking about what happened to me. I have a lot of physiological symptoms from my assault that are affecting my quality of life and so I am finally ready to start my path to healing before it kills me. I am incredibly scared right now and full of shame about what has happened to me. Fortunately the veil of denial is lifting and I am somehow obtaining the courage to reach out. I feel like a hostage to my emotions and struggle to get out of the house as the one year anniversary approaches. But I fought through today and am outside at least looking at other human beings. I feel like I need to watch normal people living so I can remember what it is like. In posting this message I feel like I have taken one step closer to coming out of the darkness that has somehow overshadowed my mind.
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Ghost of me commented on Hidden1's gallery image in Survivor snapshots
Gorgeous💓 what's his name? -
@Field8 Thank you. Thank you for sitting with me. It is pretty fucked up though you gotta admit it.
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You are not fucked up!!!! You are stuck in this cycle. Sitting with you if okay
