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  1. Today
  2. Keeping the Silence

    Hi Katherine, Welcome to AS. I am sorry you endured trauma and still struggle with the effects it has caused. It is not fair, but you are not alone. Many of these struggles you face are unfortunately normal for survivors and many of us here can relate to them. Take your time and look around. Share what you want when you are ready. There is no rush or judgment. You've already shown courage by reaching out. We are here for you when you are ready. I wish you the very best as you continue down this path we call healing. Mary
  3. Hello

    Hi feralcat, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured and have reason to be here. I too, found this site after a great deal of time and thought the same thing. Dealing with trauma on your own can be very difficult. Here, at AS...you are not alone. It takes courage to reach out. I wish you many more forward steps on this healing journey. Mary
  4. Warning: This contains language designed to at least elicit a bit of laughter. Please put beverages down while reading. My rock, my constant source of laughter and total joy... was gone. At that time, I was also under complete financial duress at the point of coming to grips with being too ill to work and the further slide down of the housing crisis. I had no money for a plane ticket and nobody was offering from the 'family'. Her death came as no great surprise as I knew from the previous year that my visit with her would be the last. She was indeed completely miserable in the hospice place with unfamiliar people and to her palate, "shitty institutional food". She had every right to say that because she was a phenomenal cook. While I wasn't given any choice in the matter where she resided, her sons with exception of one constantly complained about her. Sure. Thanks for putting her in a smelly box-like room with a curtain and a handful of drawers where the staff would rifle through and take anything of value. I know! I bought her this amazingly fun cashmere bright green lap blanket for a special occasion. Sticky fingers by 'nursing staff' is what happened to it. Not to mention the Aunt that walked off with ALL of her jewelry. I see now why she detested J. so much. But then again, J's mother was as 'cray cray' as could be. Psssst... it's the distant 'relative' by marriage people that never go in for professional help that I avoid! That makes my holidays I celebrate QUITE delightful without any excuse. "You m'lady are a wretched ass and I have to eat Valium to be around you for an hour." So I do not. That's how I gauge situations with certain people. Strangers are generally not at all a discomfort. Pretty much people know that those closest to us can indeed do the most damage. But not Gran. Oh my fun and second mother who took up the job after my Mom passed way, way too young. We danced. We could be silly. We could sing off key. She would quote Shakespeare in the kitchen and then I'd be expected to 'remember my lines' to keep whatever Act was going. It was never monetary. She was as practical as it got. If something didn't need replacing, it did not happen. After she passed, the one empathetic Uncle said, "what woman does not ever replace the carpeting, wall paper or furniture?" While not remarking about his now ex-wife's inability to keep a single career path... "It was good and perfect expensive carpeting when it was installed and shows no sign of wear. Not everybody follows design trends or keeping up with neighbors." Oh. Yeah, Depression-era kids who realized everything had value later on passing those critical values on to the offspring might have prevented the disposable society we have today. There were ZERO abuses in my maternal grandparent's home where I had the only safe space in my life. When she was gone... home went away forever. All I have left are photos, a few heirlooms and memories. But she would want me and you to smile and not cry. Out of all of her own personal tragedies with the death of several of her children, she always got back up. I hope if you are down, there are so many wonderful people here at AS to lift you back up!
  5. Yesterday
  6. Keeping the Silence

    Dear Katherine/Soccergirl81, I'm so sorry for the trauma that brought you here, but it was brave of you to reach out to us and take this step on your healing journey. Many of us understand and can relate to the feelings you are describing. Take your time looking around, reading our forums and posting whenever you feel you want to. Blessings, Gold Raindrops
  7. The First Lie

    THE FIRST LIE ‘S’ was a different religion to me, from a different culture and that was one of my concerns at the start and I said if it was going to be an issue, I think we should just be friends. I didn’t want to get into something if it was an issue from the outset. ‘S’ assured me ‘it wont be a problem’ , ‘his family just want him to be happy’. That was I later discovered a lie. I say this was the first lie but it probably wasn’t but it was the first lie that I recall and which I feel he tricked me into a relationship with him. He knew I would have walked away at the outset if I had known there was going to be a problem and we are not talking a small issue. It got scary and felt very unreal.
  8. For 9 years I was in an abusive relationship, not that I realised for a long time. I have been out for over 5 years now and am quite far down on my road to recovery but I think I need to start right back at the beginning before the relationship began. I hope you will join me on my journey to healing. I hope that it in some way helps you too. So life was going well. Id been in my new job for nearly a year now. I joined a gym, had a good social life, nice house share, even been on a few dates and yes life was good. I got on well with both the lads and the girls at work and everyone really gelled together, was good fun. There was one guy, we will call him ‘S’, who chatted to me more than the others and we chatted about anything. He was good company but that was it for me, I didn’t fancy him. Another guy who we will call ‘M’, a friend of S’s who I had met a few months back and been messaging, was flirting with me as he had done since id met him but I thought he was messing about. He asked me to meet up for lunch with him one day. I did quite like him, we got on well and it was easy so I thought why not, be fun. I messaged ‘S’ excited and then he asked me to have lunch with him too. I say asked me out for lunch, it was more put as you don’t go out for lunch with me! I said you have never asked. I didn’t want to upset ‘S’ as we had become quite close friends but ‘M’ had asked first and I was really chuffed that he had so I decided to go with him. ‘M’ and I had a good lunch and continued messaging each other. I, not long after, went out for lunch with ‘S’ as he asked me to. We went to the park and were sat chatting when suddenly he said how about we give it a go, we would be good together, go out with me. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was shocked, I wasn’t expecting that. I said No, I don’t see us like that, we are good friends lets leave it as that. He said think about. Ok I said. For a few weeks things carried on as normal but I thought about what ‘S’ said. We had grown close, we got on well so wouldn’t that be a good basis for a relationship, we had known each other months now and I thought I knew him. Never ever thought there was so much I didn’t know as I discovered as time went on! But I didn’t fancy him in terms of Corr he is attractive, I so want to kiss him kind of thing. I liked his smile, he was fun, easy to chat to, caring from what I had seen so far over the past so many months, maybe it would grow into more I thought. Conversations with friends and I was still confused. Then there was ‘M’ and I was attracted to him which ‘S’ knew but then I didnt know ‘M’ as well as ‘ S’ and ‘S’ and I got on well and it was easy between us as we had known each other a lot longer. ‘S’ made comments like don’t leave it too long, don’t leave it too late. I didn’t think anything of it, just laughed but it did start me thinking maybe I could see what it would be like. I had dated but not had a proper relationship yet which ‘S’ knew and it would be nice and we did get on so well. We were out for drinks with friends not long after. I hit the dancefloor with some friends and there ‘S’ was dancing and flirting openly with another girl. It did get to me as didn’t make sense after what he had said about liking me and I went to sit down and have a drink. Not long after he came over and I said you found yourself another girl. He said not at all, its you I want. I said it doesn’t look like it. Then he kissed me! i could feel eyes on us but at that moment I didn’t care. It felt right and I kissed him back. The start of what I hoped would be something good, something caring and special. If only it was. Within a week of us being together there was an incidence which made me feel uncomfortable and I thought it was just because I was young and inexperienced. ‘S’ beckoned for me to go into the disabled toilet with him, I thought he wanted to talk away from everyone else. He kissed me and I did return the kiss but then broke away and said not in here. He then asked me to perform oral sex on him and I said no. He said come on, it will be ok, I really want you to, just one quick suck and opened his fly and took his c*ck out as he called it. I started to feel a bit worried, I really didn’t want to and said again and not in here and he started to push my head down and I backed away. I then said I had to go and left quickly. I felt stupid as I was inexperienced but didn’t want him to know that but also I really didn’t want to do it. I thought that he just thought I didn’t want to as I was shy. I did not see that he was thinking about what he wanted only and was not considering what I felt. I was also young and naïve so it didnt cross my mind.
  9. Hello

    Hi, feralcat, and welcome!
  10. Hello Community

    Hi, NotTheSame907, and welcome!
  11. Keeping the Silence

    Hi, Katherine, and welcome!
  12. My birthday

    I am sorry you are heartbroken on your birthday! I just joined AS, so Happy Belated Birthday! I know they can be hard, I know that mine is a traumatizing as well! I understand!
  13. In my yard

    It’s so green! That’s so nice to see! I used to live in the tropics and moved to the desert about 1.5 yrs ago, I miss the green and all the life that comes with it and supports it.
  14. Keeping the Silence

    Welcome to AS, you are not alone here Patricia
  15. In my yard

  16. Keeping the Silence

    Welcome to After Silence, @Soccergirl81 - Katherine, I'm sorry to learn you are a long-time survivor of trauma and that you are having trouble sleeping. You have found a very safe community and there is never going to be a shortage of support from others. You're not alone! Please don't worry about sharing too much at once - that is not encouraged nor pushed, here. We would rather you take your time and become familiar with the way the site works and with other members, first. We look forward to getting to know you, whenever you are comfortable! A Newbie Support Team member will be sending you an official welcome message, shortly. Until then, please know that if you need any help or have any questions about the site, I am just a shout away. Again, welcome. We are happy to have you. Best wishes, Capulet
  17. Keeping the Silence

    I'm sorry. U going through. This I can relate to. This u are safe here please keep reaching out. Here or support. We are with. U all the way. Ur not alone in this journey we here to support. You .safe hugs
  18. Keeping the Silence

    Hi my name Katherine. Just joined early this morning. Still having trouble sleeping. I fight my sleep because I’m afraid to close my eyes. I’m always on guard and very tense. I can’t relax fearing he might come back again. I’m a survivor of 32 years and counting. That’s all I feel like I can share.
  19. New member

    Hi Notthesame907, I have been going to therapy for about a month. Even thought I told her what happened she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. She tries to teach me relaxation techniques and doesn't ask many questions. I'm not comfortable doing all the talking without feedback which is why I am here. I also started group therapy but it is for men and women and I'm not too comfortable with that but willing to try. I was able to repress everything most of my life but a few months ago I was in an accident and sustained a head injury and as a result I have no idea why but I can't stop replaying everything in my head. I just wish I could go back to being able to cope but here I am... Dealing with it. Is your reason for being here an old occurrence or something recent? Thank you for reaching out to me. I hope you find comfort in being part of this.
  20. Hello

    Dear @feralcat, It was brave of you to reach out to us. I'm sorry for the suffering that brought you here, but I can assure you you've found and kind and supportive community. Many of us know about what you mentioned - suffering in silence and thinking we are alone. We are all here to listen to and support each other. Wishing you peace and healing, Gold Raindrops
  21. Hello

    Hi feralcat welcome. A/S. We are all here for you and right. Behind you. Your not alone in Ur journey please lean on us for. Support
  22. Hello

    Thank you so much.
  23. Hello

    Hi @feralcat - Welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry to learn you have trauma in your background, but am hoping that you will take comfort in knowing that you have found a truly supportive community in AS. It is truly a freeing feeling to release some of what you have been holding onto for so long - and although I do not know you very well, yet, I'm proud of you for taking this truly gigantic step toward healing! You should be contacted by a member of our Newbie Support Team shortly. Until then, if you need any assistance, I'm just a shout away. Again, welcome. Happy to have you among us and looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet
  24. Last week
  25. Hello

    Hello @feralcat I'm so sorry you have to be here, and I'm very glad you've reached out to get support on your healing journey. Welcome to After Silence, which is full of supportive, helpful people who care about you getting better.
  26. Hello

    Hi, I've just recently found After Silence, I wish I had found you folks years ago. You all have such courage and wisdom. I've kept my trauma and its dark aftermath pretty much to myself for so long I don't really even have words to talk about it. Just pain and alone-ness. I'm hoping if I can experience some understanding and support from other survivors I can make progress healing. And become part of a caring group and support other people on their healing journeys.
  27. A little Friday message to those of you who may need to hear this:

    dfa68b77154529a0ef37daa67a7fcab0--my-best-friend-best-friends.jpg

     

    1. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      I guess I needed to hear that I guess... I don't know.

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

  28. Hello Community

    Welcome notthesame I'm sorry you have to find us but glad you have we are all. With u on this journey and want to. Support you. Your not alone. Please lean on us
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