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  4. should i bite my tongue until blood soaks my shirt? 

    1. Field8


      I'm so sorry. Can I sit with you?

    2. mini.finch


      Sending you support and comfort. ❤️ Sitting with you, if you'd like.

  5. Welcome @Helianthus to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me. Also, I am queer as well. We have an LGBT and Questioning forum under Survivor Connections if you are interested. I'll link it below: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?/forum/58-lgbt-and-questioning-forum/
  6. I am so sorry that you suffered this . Safe hugs if ok . You are so strong and brave to let this out . We are here for you !
  7. I will change out of the pj´s I´ve been wearing for the past two days. I put on a shirt on it for my zoom-lab yesterday. I will go out for grocery shopping and the  do some studying. Í have not been outside of the apartment since Thursday lol. I am usually not like this, but 1. weather is bad 2.I have no place to go rn. Everything is locked down. 


  8. The specialist said it's not an immune disorder after all. So now I'm stressed because I'm so lost. I feel like it is and because I've been trying to manage it, it looks like something ordinary. This saga never ends.......

  9. I'm back on this site, But have no words to say. I've been stuck in silence, And wanna go away. But I can't go away, I must stay for the days. The good and the bad, The ugly, wait, I take it back. Things were silent, Yes, talking about the abuse case. Things were put on hold, And close for more than a "few days." Months later, Here I stand. With my memories triggering, Oh, and my friend? Stood up and came out, Same thing happened to her. By my abuser? Go figure, he's a ch
  10. I feel I'm being crushed under my own weight. 

    I feel like the current is pulling me under. 

    1. MeBeMary


      I'm sorry you are struggling. You are stronger than you know, tho. Keep fighting. 

      Safe hugs, if ok. :hug:  

  11. This could really be the day I met my stupid ex. Man, when you can relate. I am sincerely sorry they had the fortune to meet you. You were way to good for them, and they used your wish to think the best of them against you. It was not your fault, that takes some serious manipulation skills. Even in tough times, you live a better life than them, because you choose to honor you dignity and accept support, being true to yourself. Those are important factors for a full recovery. And you will shine by doing that.
  12. It was your lucky day We crossed paths at night Me with low self esteem Looking for fun and love Easy prey for your manipulation I found an endless nightmare It was your best day It was my worst day
  13. To my abuser: You can fuck right off i will never forgive you To my mom, who still doesn’t believe me: I never lied about this You aren’t the injured party I’m not the crazy one
  14. Trauma has created a bizarre relationship between reality and my internal world. I'm familiar with reality. I know the facts— that I am not unusual, these things happen to a lot of people, it was not caused by anything I did,.etc. But I don't truly feel any of that. In my heart, what I feel is that I'm a stupid w**re. That I deserved everything that has happened to me. My bones feel full of dirt and coated in mud. I have done a lot of disgusting, dehumanizing things that I didn't want to do. I have sought out partners who treated me like dog shit, then desperately clung to them
  15. What a day... 

    started quite cozy, then I had a long class. Then, I had multiple stress sessions as I found out that the new renter moves in the very day I am leaving, and I am not getting my keys until that day either, so it will be a stressful move. 

    I kind of worked out a plan though, and then my insurance company called. They have started a cooperation with my campus housing department, meaning I get 25% off my insurance as off next month. I also remember last minute today that I had to admit two assignments, and did them in a rush. 

    Today I started packing, but I will not be moving until two weeks, so will be holding off on packing more until the weekend. 


    1. mini.finch


      My goodness, you had quite the day! I hope everything works out with your move. Wishing you all the best. ❤️ Sitting with you if you'd like.

  16. I went and had a peek at my new apartment yesterday. I am very excited. The move has been arranged, I was lucky to hire a classmate to do the job for much cheaper than what the firms offered me. 

    Also, I sprayed deodorant in my room, and now I am inhaling chemicals as I am studying chemical analysis methods. Not my brightest idea. 

  17. Welcome to AS, @Helianthus! I'm glad you found your way here and reached out. You will find a lot of very awesome and supportive people here. You're not alone anymore. I'm sorry for whatever you went through. It was undeserved and very much not your fault. I hope that your being here will help you on your path towards healing. Sending you tons of support and well wishes. ❤️ -Finch
  18. Thank for directly addressing my lack of community -- it has been hard, but in some ways I am finding out who I actually want to keep in my life. Everyone has been trying to help in their own ways and maybe one day I can look back at all the stepping stone conversations and give it meaning. But for now, I simply am. Thank you for letting me be here.
  19. Blanket statements can be really helpful sometimes!! I def appreciate it 💛
  20. Not sure if I am replying correctly -- do I just hit quote and then comment? But thank you! Sunflowers are my favorite because they always face the light and I have a soft spot for the color yellow.
  21. Welcome, @WolfMoon, to the community! Looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, - Capulet
  22. Welcome, @Helianthus - I am sorry you have reason to be here, but am glad you are finally among those who understand and are ready to provide some support. I absolutely love sunflowers and sunsets, and so I adore your photo. Welcome to the community. Looking forward to getting to know you! - Cap
  23. Thanks to everyone for the nice words and support. Take care, a lot of love and strength on you ❤️
  24. Hi Helianthus, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am so sorry for all you've been thru and the struggles that you still currently face. You have found a very supportive community with many understanding and kind members. You are not alone. Blanket statements can be difficult, and I understand your frustration. Healing is an up and down path with many twists. We are fighters to continue this path, but it is not easy. It helps tho when you have others, like the survivors here, that walk with you. Feel free to look around. Interact where you are the most comfortable. I wish you many forwa
  25. Hello @Helianthus and welcome to After Silence You can call me Wanna. I am sincerely sorry for your trauma and what you have to battle with on a daily basis. Please know that we believe you and want to support you. This is a platform for anyone who seeks ways to cope, heal, looking for advice or just needs to vent. After Silence is a safe place for the bumpy road of recovery. Taking that step into healing is a big milestone, and having a community can be crucial. Here, you have a chance to connect with survivors of similar experiences, who can relate first hand. I am sorry y
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