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  1. Yesterday
  2. Welcome @Butterfly2166 to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  3. Hi Butterfly, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you experienced and the struggles you have been facing. What happened to you was wrong and undeserved. I'm sorry you are hurting. This community is very supportive and kind. You will find many who understand what you've been thru. You are not alone. Take your time and look around and interact where you feel comfortable. You do not need to share until you feel ready. It will get easier, both being here and to start moving forward on your journey of healing. Do know you were born for better things. You are worthy of a good life and I think in time, you might find the best path for you. Wishing you the best on this journey. Mary
  4. Rain and thunder last night 🙂 I can breathe! 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Its so good, right?  Now the air here is just "Unhealthy" and not "Hazardous"

  5. Hello @Butterfly2166 , I am Wanna. I want to offer you my warmest welcoming to this platform You are being very brave for opening up. Having a community can be a great relief and resource during critical times. This is a place to vent and share within the limits of what you feel comfortable with. You can receive support here and discuss with other members. If you had a chance to browse around the site a bit, you might have noticed that we have plenty of forums here. This platform carries a wide diversity of survivors. I am truly sorry for your pain. You are not alone. Feeling like healing is unachievable is a place many survivors experience. Some experience it once, others several times, but it is important that you talk about it every time you go into that head space. Your words are a valuable tool, and you own your story. I am here to tell you, that by opening up today, you have made an important step. Not letting fear taking control is strong and crucial. After Silence is here for the bad days, good days and anything in between. We want to have your back, and if you would have questions, need to chat/vent or anything at all, us staff has doors open! Good luck and once again, welcome All best - Wanna ☀️
  6. QDear butterly I would like to welcome you to After Silence's forums. We are all here for you and want to support you in any way we can. I know that posting for the first time can be scary. Please don't worry, though; you will always be given so much support from our lovely community and its members. You're not alone - we are with you. You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox. Please feel free to respond to that PM if you have any questions about the forum or if you need some help finding your way around the site. Take care and keep reaching out!!
  7. Hi everyone. I’m literally in tears typing this now. The anxiety is unreal. I’m trying to deal with my trauma and have been in counseling for 2 years. Sometimes I feel like I’m never gonna heal. It’s incredibly hard for me to share. I don’t easily trust and have lots off walls built up but I’m trying not to let my fear control my life anymore. Sometimes I question if I was born just to see how much pain one person can take. I’m hoping maybe talking to others who can understand my pain will help me with my process of healing.
  8. Last week
  9. purge

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    counting down the days to go it just ain't living i hope you know i hope you know i hope you know i hope you know i hope you know if you say goodbye today i'd ask you to be true
  10. purge

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    touch down like a 747 stay out, we'll live forever now
  11. purge

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    yesterday, you were here with me
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    seems that she disappeared without a trace i made a point to burn all of the photographs she went away and then I took a different path i remember the face, but I can't recall the name now i wonder how whatsername has been and in the darkest night if my memory serves me right i'll never turn back time forgetting you, but not the time
  13. purge

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    remember, whatever it seems like forever ago the regrets are useless in my mind she's in my head, i must confess remember, whatever it feels like forever ago the regrets are useless in my mind she's in my head from long ago
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    Take away the sensation inside Bittersweet migraine in my head It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind I can't take this feeling anymore Drain the pressure from the swelling, This sensation's overwhelming, Give me a long kiss goodnight And everything will be alright Tell me that I won't feel a thing Give me Novocaine Out of body and out of mind Kiss the demons out of my dreams I get the funny feeling that's alright Jimmy says it's better than air, I'll tell you why
  15. Hey all, the story we are telling in Humor and Silliness is getting pretty good... you should check it out 

    -mango

    1. matts

      matts

      Thanks, I'm going to take a look now. :) I could use a good Humor and Silliness story.

    2. mango_star1
  16. seong98

    So Lost

    Hello , I’m also very sorry for your loss , I know we all deal with grief differently and sometimes it takes years . I lost my grandfather few years ago and I’m still not completely over it . But eventually , sadly, you get used to it . You never forget them , there’s a bit of them everywhere but just know that she is now in a better place and looking out for you . I don’t know the whole story and maybe that’s why I don’t understand why you blame yourself but it’s not your fault . Not at all . I understand you were envious and I’m sure you have complicated story and I don’t know if by going you mean attending your stepfather wedding or leaving earth but if it’s the latter , you shouldn’t go . Stay , it’s hard , it gets even harder sometimes but even if I’m just a little anonymous voice on the internet , I want you to stay . Sending you all my best wishes and support and if you need to talk I will gladly listen . (Sorry for the mistakes english is not my first language) xoxo
  17. Can’t breathe. Feeling panicked. Not doing well at all.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Enigma87
    3. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Hoping you are feeling better today. :hug: to you.

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @MeBeMary Honestly, not much better, but I'm trying my best to hang in there. Thanks for the hugs :hug:

  18. purge

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    i think i should know, how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints on L-O-V-E's just another word i'll never learn to pronounce
  19. abhaya

    pluses and minuses

    I am not knowing where to put this, so I thought I would just put it here... <shrug> I'm feeling a bit tender and emotionally sore this morning. I pushed too hard yesterday, opened a door that had been well wedged closed because I so wanted to bring it to light, but then I had the worst flashback last night that I've had in years. Most of my flashbacks these days are at worst like having a sort of double exposure, I'm here and now and the bad experience is overlaid on top, so it gets disorienting and scary but some part of my mind is aware that it isn't really happening again. Last night I got stuck in the past, I really couldn't tell that I wasn't there/then, couldn't tell my husband what was happening because I couldn't tell that it WAS my husband with me. I came up out of it slowly, not like when I have dream flashbacks and I get shocked awake, it was a slow process of verifying reality again. Today I'm tired, and emotionally fragile and sore. I don't regret trying to open up about the memories that were connected to the flashback, but I'm a little worried that there may be more flashbacks for a while... I am hoping not. That one was really plenty for me. But now I know that it can happen again, I know that I may need to talk with my husband about it, and what to do if it happens. I felt so bad after for scaring him. And I have to go to the doctor today, which always makes my anxiety worse... but hopefully the doctor will say that I can start to walk again, I am hoping for that and that if I can start to walk it may help me feel less vulnerable and on edge in general. Well, that's it I guess. Just wanted to notice what was happening.
  20. teleah

    So Lost

    Thank you for reading and for sitting with me much needed, thank you abhaya
  21. abhaya

    So Lost

    So sorry for the loss, and the grief that you feel. Grief can be hard when it comes with so much regret and painful memories. Sending you support, and sitting with you if you would like?
  22. teleah

    So Lost

    I lost my half sister nine months ago and I am so lost in self hate, self blame, I have spent weeks sexting strange men to distract myself from my grief. My grief is for the loss of her, but she was it, my last blood. I grieve I wasted so much time, envious that she got the safe dad, so much time wasted lost in my pain of my past, I didn't get to love her in the present for the fragile flower my sister was not the entitled princess I had written her to be. I am so lost, lost in sexual addiction, lost in self harm, as my stepfather gets married this weekend. I am so lost, bpd finds me and says before I become completely lost I should go, I don't know what to do, maybe I should go ?
  23. purge

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    so far has not been good it's been shitty
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    t h e w o r m s w i l l c o m e f o r y o u t h e w o r m s w i l l c o m e f o R y o u t h e w O r m s w i l l c o m e f o r y o U t H e w o r m S w i l l C o m e f o r Y o u t h e w o R m s w i l L c O m e F o r y o u t h e w o r M s w i l L c o m E f o R y o u t h E w o R m s W i l l c O m e f O r Y o u t h E w o R m s W i L l c O m e f O r Y o u t h E W o R m s W i L l c O m e f O r Y o U t h E W o R m s W i L l c O m e f O r Y o U T h E W o R m S W i L l c O m E f O r Y o U T h E W o R m S W i L l c O m E f O r Y O U T H E W o R m S W i L l c O m E f O r Y O U T h E W o R m S W i L l c O m E f O r Y O U T h E W o R m S W i l L c o M E f o R Y o U t h E w o R m s W i L l c O m e f O r Y o u t h E W o R m s W i L l c O m e f O r Y o U T H E W o R m S W i L l C O m E f O r Y O U T H E W O R M S W i L l C O m E f O r Y O U T H E W O R M S W i L L C O m E f O r Y O U T H E W O R M S W i L L C O M E f O r Y O U T H E W O R M S W i L L C O M E f O R Y O U T H E W O R M S W i L L C O M E F O R Y O U T H E W O R M S W I L L C O M E F O R Y O U ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! !! !!! !!! !!!!! !! !!! !!!!! !!! !! !!!! !!! !! !!!!! !!! !!!!! !!! !!!! !!! !!! !!!! !!!! !! !! !!! !! !! !! !!!!! !!! !! !!!!! !!! !!! !!! !! !!! !!! T H E W O R M S W I L L C O M E F O R Y O U ! ! ! ! !
  25. purge

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    you're rotted through and through you're maggot food
  26. I feel angry right now. I feel so JEALOUS. I suffer from insufferable panic attacks. This week I have been doing something I shouldn't, where I am taking Klonopin around 9pm to help with my night time anxiety. I always tell myself and others, I only take it when I need it, as to not come off as some drug addict. Completely ashamed every time I reach for the bottle. Tomorrow I have to call my psych and tell her my script is running low, even though she only filled it 3 months ago. I know she's going to wonder and question me and my biggest fear is that she won't refill it. This isn't because I like to take them to get high but it is because they are my only relief when I find my heart racing and I am in a state of fight or flight. Sometimes I'll take them preventively, because I hate waiting the 40 minutes for them to work when I feel scared. I know I should be using my grounding techniques, deep breathing and meditation but I get so uncontrollably scared. I feel jealous because I wonder what it must be like to live anxiety free. I wouldn't even mind some slight social anxiety or a jittery feeling here or there. I was on Youtube a little while ago and I found a channel of a young girl who recently went through a lot of weight loss and now she's in a state of self-discovery. She's 24, she has her own apartment, she makes herself coffee every morning, she walks outside alone, she takes busses and trains, she visits her boyfriend at his job where he is a bartender. And it all looked so beautiful and free. I remember that feeling, I remember getting in my car and driving to Dunkin Donuts (on my own) and getting my coffee, and sipping it while I drove 20 minutes to MY boyfriends apartment... hair done, makeup done, feeling so incredibly confident and free. I am in literal tears as I write this right now. Now, I'm 27. I have never lived alone and I am unable. I no longer drive, I haven't in two years. I also am never alone because I panic and freak out. I can't remember the last time I relaxed, enjoyed and was calm. 100% calm. No jitters, no worry about a panic attack, no tenseness in my jaw, my knees and my wrists. I don't walk outside by myself, no more than 2 blocks. I don't travel back and forth anywhere. Boyfriend...gone. Confidence...gone. Triumph... I don't remember what that feels like, because it is always influenced by the company of someone I trust (mom or ex boyfriend-that's it) or medication. I have never been so desperate, depressed, sad... and oddly enough, lonely... because I never get to experience the time to be alone where people are excited to see me and I am excited to see them. I don't drink coffee anymore, I check the caffeine level of EVERYTHING, I'm scared to be in an elevator, I'm scared to get locked in rooms (???) so I check doorknobs, one time, two times, three times... opening and closing, twisting the knob over and over. I become paranoid... there's someone watching me... This week I started the journey of searching for a partial care hospital program. I am terrified of what that is going to mean for me, how that is going to alter my life. But at the same time I am excited. I can't feel this anymore, I can't do this anymore.
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