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  1. Today
  2. Lily227

    Lily17

    Thank you so much!
  3. Lily227

    Lily17

    Thank you so much for the support!
  4. Lily227

    Lily17

    Thank you! we're in this together
  5. Lily227

    Lily17

    Thank you so much missfrier!
  6. Lily227

    Lily17

    Thank you so much sam!
  7. Lily227

    Lily17

    Thank you! it means so so much.
  8. Lily227

    Lily17

    Thank you Mary!
  9. All last night I had the same dream, over and over. The man who abused me as a child suddenly got charged (by another one of his victims) and was going to trial and I was called to testify before an entire room full of people. One of the jury memebers was someone I knew. The judge kept asking me for details. The whole room was silent, listening to me and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even look up. I was so ashamed. I didn’t know how to tell them I had no evidence//that I couldn’t even remember. The judge wanted to know what he did and for how long. I knew what he did and sometimes during the dream (I had it repeatedly) I would be able to nod my head yes or no when asked these questions, but mostly I was just frozen. I had someone sitting next to me. I don’t know who. I couldn’t see his face, but he was a comforting presence to me. I would bury my head in his arm and when I could speak, I would mumble and he would repeat it louder for me. I felt so small. So small and helpless and stupid. I felt like an exhibit at the zoo with everyone watching me. I couldn’t tell them because I didn’t know and I felt like I didn’t belong there. Even if I did know how are you supposed to admit to these terrible things?
  10. Hi, @Samonne - Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry you're feeling so alone but I hope that by joining this site, those feelings of loneliness will slowly dissipate you are certainly never alone here and we all support you! If you ever need anything, please feel free to reach out to me. I'm here! Hugs if you want them, Poppy
  11. Poppy_

    Lily17

    Hi, @Lily227 - Welcome to After Silence! Congrats on making the decision to join us, here I know it's difficult, but I hope you will also find it to be rewarding. If you ever need anything, let me know! Best, Poppy
  12. MeBeMary

    Lily17

    Hi Lily. Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry you have reason to be here, but be assured, this is a very supportive community. It is never easy to reach out and I know the anxiousness that it can bring. When I first came here I was so unsure. You are very courageous to try something new, but I do hope you see the positives of being here with us. We accept you and validate your experience. You are not alone. Take your time looking around, I am sure with a little time you will find a comfort and ease being here. I wish you many steps down your path of healing. Mary
  13. Hi Erin, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma that has brought you here, but be assured, you will find tons of support. We understand the struggles you deal with and you are not alone! It's not always easy to reach out, but it's always a big step. Take your time and look around and when you are comfortable feel free to interact, by way of posting or replying to others. Sometimes anonymity and the written word is easier, I know that I find that for myself. I wish you many more steps along this path that will lead you to healing. Mary
  14. Yesterday
  15. 8888

    New Member

    Welcome @Samonne to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  16. 8888

    Lily17

    Welcome @Lily227 to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  17. I’m pretty new here but have been a part of online groups for well over 10 years and let me say I have heard many with similar experiences. I’m sorry she watered the seeds of doubt for you. That wasn’t her place. It doesn’t sound horrible it sounds like you are hurting and are wanting to get to the source. Sometimes our minds protect us from truths that we are not ready to process yet. It’s frustrating for sure. Especially when you can’t place the feelings with some concrete facts. Feel free to rant away here or my inbox is open. You can share as little or as much as you want. Sending my support
  18. Because, my own memories have come back in drabs over nearly 30 years and because survivors here report those same bodily triggers and fear with lack in memory that validate our reexperiencing. And because your pain has roots and I can sit with you in that even if you do not know its origin. Sending peaceful and positive vibes to you. B
  19. Your post means a lot to me, too. It's such a relief to know other people are experiencing this, too. I know what you mean by your mind overflowing, and I don't think you're ranting. All this started a few weeks ago for me, and I keep going over everything in my mind, trying put it together, trying to find explanations. It's just a completely desperate search for answers, and the war within my mind is exhausting. Every time I start to believe myself, I argue back. It looks like you're doing a lot of that, too, and I'm sorry you're going through that. That, in itself, is painful. But you're so right, you can't make this up, and even if you could make this up, why put yourself through so much pain? I don't have experience with hotlines, but that woman doesn't know what you experienced, and it seems so wrong to tell you one way or another.
  20. @Lily227 Hello, and welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry to hear you have pain that brings you here, but we are so happy that you have found us. I know it takes a lot to reach out for help and talk about these things, but this is a great step in the healing process. Take your time, we are all here for you whenever you need support sam 🖤
  21. Shefloats

    Same as it ever was

    I definelty relate to feeling “stuck” and like you’ve been “in the same square your whole like”. I wish I could give you some advice but I can’t because I’m still in the same place as well. Maybe it will get easier with time. Just know that until then, I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. Stay safe. 🌸
  22. Oh I definitely understand you there ! I believe we can be triggered by a lot of things around us without even realizing it, especially when our memories are buried. I am still recovering memories myself because of this very thing! When we bury things so deeply, there can be small things (songs, an object, a sound, a smell, etc) that can take us back to those memories without us entirely remembering them . And that can be a very scary thing to deal with. Have you tried writing out the sensations/ memories/ thoughts that come to you in those moments? I would suggest trying to do so if you think you can handle that? I personally have and I’ve made some breakthroughs with memories I only had pieces to. take gentle care of yourself sam🖤
  23. Thank you, and everyone, so much. I was honestly waiting to be turned away or ignored, and it's taken me a while to feel comfortable enough to reply. The uncertainty is such a heavy weight. It makes me wonder if I'm some sick person making things up or if all of this is real. I don't know when I'll fully believe myself, but I don't feel so isolated anymore. Maybe in the coming weeks, I'll feel comfortable enough sharing my story.
  24. You have no idea how much this comment means to me. Thank you so much. It’s just good to hear someone else in the same situation. I just tell myself that all this pain had to come from somewhere. You can’t make these feelings up you know? And there’s really no other explanation for all these red flags in my childhood. Or maybe there is another explanation and i just don’t see it idk. The lady on the hotline seemed to see another explanation. She said for sure something happened but it could have been this or that or the other thing // but that’s not what my gut has been telling me all this time. I’m so sorry for ranting but my mind is overflowing. I can’t push it down anymore. You know?
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