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  1. Past hour
  2. Typical... just what I need... a massive chest infection on a bank holiday so no Drs open. Especially as one of my main triggers is struggling to breathe....

    1. limbodante

      limbodante

      Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that :( I often get ill over Christmas and stuff, any time there are no doctors, it's always anxiety making. Much worse if it's triggery too :( *hugs*

    2. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you Dante, it's just making me so miserable! I have literally just handed in my final dissertation for the year and now I'm on summer holidays and I can't breathe!

  3. Today
  4. Looking forward to the weekend

    It's just after 1am and I feel wide awake. Trying not to replay all the day, week year events. Looking for better ways to handle situations. Contemplating future situations and all the possible ways to handle them. That's my daily routine...working out all the should haves, would haves and could haves. Things that wont change what's happened. But it cant be stopped. I imagine what my brain would look like if all the thoughts took a physical form. I imagine that it is an organized, cluttered mess lol. Bookcases full of stories from my past. Books scattered and open on the floor and tables with notebooks, notepads and sticky notes with scribbles of thoughts about the stories. Me huddled under a light reading a book I have read millions of times. Notes made on every page. There's no door so there is no way out but I dont feel trapped. Some times I look at the mess and feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I am grateful that it is as neat as it is. So as I think of the last couple of days, I cant help but think of the difference from last week. I feel less overwhelmed and stressed about work. My agents are coming around after what I call my 'come to Jesus' talks. For someone who enjoys written over verbal, these talks are draining for me. The emotional state is in flux. I am avoiding an issue that requires some immediate attention. I avoid it because the embarrassment and shame of addressing it is pretty great...to me. So much so, I fear I will retreat fully in my thoughts and it will be a huge task to get back to the present. Maybe this weekend I can speak on it to resolve it. Speaking of the weekend, I am looking forward to it. I will have my youngest nephew and it is a holiday weekend in the US. I still havent determined what activity we will do. There is a fair near us that I think they would enjoy. The outdoor time would do the kids good. It's storm season so the should do it before the seasonnpasses and the 100+° weather makes going outside unbearable. I do need to be careful. This US holiday is to honor our deceased soldiers. That has expanded to cover anyone who is deceased by placing flowers at their grave. 2 of the people who hurt me are deceased and both are military veterans. I have to be cautious of the time I spend at their sites. Yes I could not go to their graves and visit others but I have 7 family members who all have plots next to each other. It is difficult to see 5 and not the other 2. I have avoided going a few years but it has pained me to not give my respect. I dont know. Maybe if I can find someone to go with me it will be easier.
  5. Welcome to AS! You'll find a supportive group here. If you need anything, don't be afraid to reach out
  6. Yesterday
  7. You found a great site. Safe hugs.
  8. Thank you all for the warm welcome. It is exciting and terrifying to be here, and the encouragement is definitely appreciated.
  9. some1 in a listening mood mind messaging me. slight tw for trauma/brainwierd stuff but nothing graphic or urgent.

    1. limbodante

      limbodante

      Can't make any guarantees I can help, but I can listen, what's up?

  10. @Tribia Welcome to AS! I'm sorry for the trauma you've experienced. Take your time look around say as much or as little as you like. Everyone here are awesome and no judgement here. Good luck on your healing journey
  11. @Beachmom Welcome to AS! I'm sorry for the trauma you've experienced. Take your time look around say as much or as little as you like. Everyone here are awesome and no judgement here. Good luck on your healing journey dear.
  12. Hi Tribia welcome to AS, you have found a safe place.
  13. Welcome to AS
  14. Hello and welcome
  15. Last week
  16. I got a call today from an advocate signed to me through the sexual assault center. She asked if I wanted to file. My initial answer 24 hrs later with no sleep was no I do not want to file. At that point I thought filing and pressing charges were synonymous. So the didn't do a rape kit on me. Now that I have sleep a shower and time to think I want that awful guy to pay. I'm considering filing a report so it goes on his file but I'm curious about my safety. Is he able to find out who reported because I doubt I'm his only victim. Will my privacy be kept? I have to think of the safety of myself and more importantly my children. Thank you.
  17. Thanks for the clarification Mary
  18. Hi, Tribia, and welcome!
  19. Hi, beachmom, and welcome!
  20. First I need to apologize for not replying to anyone on the show of support for my last blog entry. My thoughts were jumbled together and I was unable to really say much. The visit with the surgeon was in short devastating. His decision to call the transplant coordinator was equally painful. My tears have now dried and I am no longer thinking of quitting so I can at least write a little now. The thought of waiting two years is a bit much. I don't have the energy to wait that long. I sort of thought that might be the response of the transplant team. Still I am in the process of processing everything. I have gone silent IRL and with the exception of the occasional email, I don't really say much of anything. I hurt a lot right now but it is lessening some. I am fidgeting a lot more so I am employing my spinners more frequently. I am debating speaking to my doctor about anxiety meds but I don't know about that just yet. I have to do more research on it. I will likely need to find something I am not allergic to as well. I am finding this process a bit taxing. I am not going to quit. I am going to keep swinging for the fences.
  21. Darkness once again

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Painnbroken
    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Light is a million times stronger than darkness. I am bringing some to you right now and forcing the dark away. Love you, friend. :candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle::candle:

      Darkness, you can't have our Painnbroken. We are fighting for you and with you...

    4. Painnbroken

      Painnbroken

      @Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you I appreciate this and I'm sorry seems darkness is so much stronger 

  22. Hi Tribia, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what brings you here, but you have found a very supportive site. It's a big step to reach out to others, so even tho you feel like you don't know what you are doing, at least you are doing it in the right direction. As you look around you will be able to see how AS can help you and further this journey of yours. I wish you the very best on your journey of healing. Mary
  23. Welcome, I am new also, and already it's been a huge step forward for me. I've mostly been reading other people's posts, and it's amazing how many of my experiences have been validated by seeing that there are people out there exactly like me. It's amazing. I couldn't believe it. I blamed myself and have struggled with the details of my memories for years, and here I have found that there are people with exactly the same triggers, feelings, sleep disturbances, etc. I know it won't cure everything, but it meant so much to me to know that. I wish we never needed to be here, but there are many of us here to help and support each other.
  24. Hello everyone! I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to move forward... I hope I can find help with that here. It is nice to meet you all.
  25. I can definitely relate to being disconnected and wanting get some control. When my partner wants to get intimate I feel like I just have to do it. It's part of the relationship deal so it's expected from me to keep the relationship going. I just want someone to love me and care for me and I feel I have to give them sex in order to get that. Sometimes it feels like someone want to use me and my body just to get pleasure. I get that my partner has needs and sex is one of them and I also want to fulfill that so I think if I just get over with it maybe it won't be this bad. After the sex I feel so used and hate myself for it. I also start feeling this anger and disappointment against my partner, because why would she do something like that to me just to get some pleasure out of it. It's such a horrible feeling. I understand that sex is all about expressing love and giving rather than taking but I just cannot feel that when being intimate. I am currently single so I don't have to worry about this. However the thought of being intimate really scares me away from looking for someone new. I just don't know how to handle this.
  26. Coasting into Wednesday

    The last 2 days have been blah. They were not bad days and there weren't necessarily great days either. I have tried to step back a little bit at work. The stress was mounting and there was no end in sight. Attitude reflects leadership and I am sure my teams attitude in many ways reflects the negative tone I have at times fighting one battle at work after another. It would be nice if they take on some of the positive qualities too like going to work every day on time and giving your all So I am trying to limit my contact with them and when I have to do so it is in a positive light (I hope). There is one who is intent on draining me mentally. She needs a lot of attention and positive reinforcement. Don't get me wrong, I think these are things that a lot of people need so they know they are appreciated and doing well. She just needs more than most. I am working through it. It is teaching me patience and her constant over-analyzing her performance reminds me a bit of myself. I am just not vocal about it. Having done this for the last couple of days has helped me stay less negative. I hope I can keep it up. Even though I am keeping away from people it isn't like I walk around mad either. i engage in conversations when required. I just don't seek them out. The house is much calmer since the 'import' has gone. My nephew's girlfriend at the time was living with us. She did so for a little over a year. She came at a time that her own home life was in turmoil and her relationship with her family was in trouble. She presented herself as one type of person, clean, not lazy, social and with a little anxiety. Over time this wasn't the case though. She was a bit manipulative. And I say this knowing that I care about her well-being and wanted the best for them together and apart but she used her emotions to get her way. She would cry over the smallest things and blow up over even smaller things. Over time, I think we became a place for her to live because she would have been homeless. She would break up with my nephew and then be back in 24 hours or less. I am talking pack all of her stuff in the morning only to have to bring it all back late at night. She said that she had a mental disorder and wanted to get help for it. She stated she needed to be on medication. We made an appointment for her and she blew it off all the while saying that she was hearing things. It just all became a little too convenient for me. I purchased a cell phone for her which she still has and I still pay the bill for. I bought it because she needed one. But seeing what has happened over the last year, I want to be petty and tell her to give me my phone back But I wont. She still needs one for now. I still care about her and don't want to see any harm come her way but we just got rid of drama and turmoil in our house. She was just bringing it back. We all needed a break. Someone gave me some yarn today!!! That made me happy. Her mother has a lot but is at an age that she cannot use it and doesn't remember how. So she brought me some. I cannot wait to use it. I have to finish my current project for a baby family member 1st but I cannot wait to use some of it. So that will be my night. Dinner, Netflix and my crochet needles. I cannot wait to put the finish on this one and give it away. I had planned on starting some things to donate to the local hospital and shelters for winter items. Maybe that is what I will use the yarn I was given, to give back in a way that I know how. Yes, that sounds like the perfect idea!!! Sometimes, I can be so smart!
  27. thank you so much i will definitely check that book out I think a lot of it has to do with me being disconnected from myself, so I will just go with things, like having sex with my boyfriend, even though I know it will end up making me feel bad. I need to put trust in myself-to know when something I do will affect me in a positive or negative way. I treat sex like it is a hollow, meaningless action which makes me feel in control of my relationships. So, when I do it and realize I don't feel anymore in control of my relationship, I am disappointed and feel like shit. I feel like I just let someone take over me, and what's worse is I let them.
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