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  1. Today
  2. So I’ve spent the weekend going crazy with my thoughts and my fears and everything in between. If you read my last blog it’s been a a rough week with many emotions but I know it’s far from over. I still haven’t made a decision on whether I want to see the man who raped me for years. Part of me wants to and part of me is terrified. But having time to think about it has led to another question. Most of my childhood I can’t remember. I know that when you go threw trauma a natural defense mechanism is to block it out. I remember the first time but it’s as if I watched it not like I lived it. I remember conversations about how no one could find out but it’s as if I heard them not participated in them. I remember family vacations but from looking at photos, I have no memories of them. I hate that I don’t have one true memory from before I was 15. Having this new dialogue with him has made me wonder if I should ask. Should I ask for details, should I ask for clarity or should I continue life with the unknown. How much worse is it than the pieces I have? I’m terrified to know but at the same time I feel like I can’t move on without the whole picture. Will it do more harm than good if I ask him questions, will it do more harm than good if he fills in the blanks? Do I really want to know something that may be so bad that my mind chose to lock it away forever? But at the same time will I ever feel whole and like a real person if I never know the full truth
  3. Welcome, @rosaa, I'm sorry for the painful experiences that brought you here, but I am happy you found us. This is a kind and supportive community and we all know about the pain of abuse and the shame that creates 'silence'. Feel free to look around at your own pace and post whenever you want to. Blessings, Gold Raindrops
  4. Welcome to After Silence. I'm very sorry you have a reason to be here, but this is a kind and supportive community full of understanding people. You have come to a good place. There is no need to be nervous, everybody here knows about the pain of abuse. Wishing you peace and healing, Gold Raindrops
  5. Karen, As a future Secondary and very much a supportive BF and future husband to a survivor. I VERY MUCH want to know about the How's, What's, and Why's of some of actions and feelings. Because right now, it is very difficult for me to even begin trying to understand let alone be a supportive boyfriend or future husband to the young lady. She has had a very bad childhood with what her father did to her. Most of her adult life has been spent hiding those feelings in drugs and working in ways that only empower her pain and loss of dignity. And through it all, I love her because she wants to be a better person. She wants to leave all that behind. She wants to face all those things and heal. She is willing to go through all that to have a new life and try and leave all that pain behind. Beyond loving her for what she wants to do, I love her for having the strength for surviving not only the abuse of her father but having lived with it for the years she has until we were given to each other by God. So, I love ALL of her. And in order for me to be the partner and give her that love and support, it is imperative that I sort of learn about some of the reasons that she may behave the ways she does. She has asked me to virtually have no contact with her in any manner, and this is supposed to bring us closer in our relationship. Until yesterday, this made NO SENSE WHAT SO EVER! Today, I can understand some of why she may need this. But it took another survivor to tell me these things. Being in that group, even as a silent member, I might find value in the content. Any content I man want to interject onto the board, I could simply PM a member and ask that they add it on my behalf.
  6. Hi, cymagray, and welcome!
  7. Yesterday
  8. MeBeMary

    Hi!

    Hi cymagray, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what you've been thru and the struggles you face. It was not fair to you. It is understandable to be nervous, as reaching out for support and understanding can be...but you will find more comfort with doing so as you look around and see that you can relate to others and others can relate to you. This is a survivor's forum, yes, but we do have some there are off topic areas, if you prefer as well. I personally spent much of my first few months in the games area. It's up to you tho. Take your time and you will find your own pace in how you would like to interact. I wish you the best as you walk this path of healing. Mary
  9. Thank you for your kind responses. This has been a very rough week emotionally. There have been a few things since but I posted to the blog since it’s so long. Would love your thoughts or just to know I’m not alone
  10. Im not a perfect person, in fact I am far from. There are so many powerful stories here and its amazing to feel like I'm not alone. Yet, the events of the past week make me feel more alone than ever. I have slowly discovered that I am a horrible victim and does that make me not a victim? I wish I knew. I grew up with the man who would later molest me for years. He was my brothers best friend. He was family. He spent every night at our house, he went on every family vacation, every family dinner, he used to even go to my back to school events. He was an extra older brother to me (he was 7 years older than me). I had the biggest crush on him forever. When I was 10 (he was 17) I went to look for my brother in his room to play but he wasn't there. Before I could turn around to leave the door shut behind me. Ill save the graphic details because honestly I don't think im strong enough to put it into words even 20 years later. That was the first time, but there were many times between before it stopped three years later. One day, he just disappeared. I saw him briefly when he showed up to my dads funeral years later but we just glanced at each other and didn't speak. Then again at that point I was on what felt like a never ending path of self destruction and was wasted on booze and pills. There hasn't been one day that I haven't thought about this man, what he did, wondered what happened to him, wondered why me, who else... between lingering thoughts, nightmares, etc. this man has always been apart of my life even after he disappeared. I posted earlier about how I looked him up on google because Ive been out of work and my thoughts got the best of me. Well his number was there, right there in front of me. I sent an email to the phone number (to not give away my cell number) and just asked said "hey, is this ... born in ..." Within seconds I got a message back saying "Hi (my name)". I was confused and thrown off because his response made it seem like he had been waiting years for me to reach out. I honestly never thought that he would respond and if he did I figured when he found out who I was he would stop talking. He wrote me a message saying that it has haunted him his whole life and he always wanted to reach out to say he was sorry but he was too afraid. Ive since read that message a million times. At the end of his message he said that he knows I can't forgive him but he hoped that one day I would be able to accept his apology. He also said that if there was anything else I needed to say to him that I had his number and if he wanted me to have his that would be okay. I honestly don't know why I did it but I texted him and I said that I forgave him. In that moment, I did forgive him. He asked if he could call and I said okay. I almost let that call go to voicemail. The phone rang and I was terrified to answer it. I watched and listened to it ring, shaking, wondering why the hell I gave him my number... then I answered. When I answered I knew his voice like I had heard it earlier that day, it wasn't a voice that I hadn't heard in 20 years. He said Hi, I said Hi, and he broke down into tears, I soon followed. I asked the questions I needed to ask and they still run thru my mind. Why - (his response was not what I wanted... but it sounded honest. He said that I had a crush on him and after a while he started to like me and he just thought that's what you do with someone you like). Of corse I said no, I was 10 with a crush, you were 17 and should have known better Was I the only one- (yes) Do you regret it--- (every day). now what gets me about this one is that he said every day but he also added that he had wished that he hadn't of done anything because if he had waited till I was older then he could have done things right and I wouldn't hate him, he could have done things right and maybe both our lives would be different. We talked and we cried together and I felt better. Until I didn't. Time seemed to pass fast and slow at the same time after we talked. I hated myself for forgiving him. I hated myself for saying I will never understand but its okay now. I said I was okay now. I hated that he felt relief after talking to me and I thought I did until I realized how unfair it is that he felt better and I felt worse. Even more so I hated myself for how I felt after. I trusted him, I looked up to him, when my parents fought constantly he would take us and cheer us up. Yes, I had a crush on him and I keep replaying his words "you had a crush on me and I liked the attention". Does that mean it was my fault? Was my stupid kid crush the reason my childhood was ripped away? Whats worse is I loved him so when he told me that it was okay, that it was our secret, that we would be together when I was older, I believed him. When we got off the phone it hit me. Ive hated him all of these years for what he took from me, Ive hated him for what he did to me but why? Someone commented on my post that I should write down my feelings about him and I think that may have made it worse. Do I hate him because he broke his promise and never came back for me? Did I hate him because when he disappeared he left me with not only losing him but losing the one "safe" place I had when my alcoholic father was drunk and throwing things across the house? Or did I hate him for taking advantage of me, of breaking me, of stealing my childhood. I honestly don't know anymore. I don't know how I feel all I know is that I told him I'm okay now, I'm happy now but I wasn't. So I did the third stupid thing this week and called him again. I screamed, I yelled, I cried and then we talked. I listened this time and asked questions about him instead of just me. He doesn't deserve that but I thought maybe if I understood him I could understand this. I listened to him talk about not having family, this I know because we were his only family. I listened to him say how he ruined everything with what he had done to me and he had to disappear when he realized that I was starting to hate him. I heard the pain when he said he has never felt as happy as he did when he was in our family before he ruined it. I listened to him say how he tried to go to school and start a career in my dads field because he wanted to be like my dad. I heard him be angry with himself for idolizing a man that drank himself to death and had no one that cared about him. I heard him say he didn't know right from wrong when my dad filled the house with alcohol for the kids starting at age 12 and always had strippers over. I heard him say how he ruined his marriage because he hated himself. I heard when he said he had a breakdown with his now girlfriend but he couldn't tell her why because she would leave him. We talked for 2 hours and I felt sorry for him but I also felt sorry for me. I realized that what he did will never be okay but I also believe that he never meant to hurt me. I think that while I was victimized by him we were both victims of my father (not sexually obviously just mentally). He told me he would tell his girlfriend if I asked him to. And I told him not to. I felt the need to protect him. I told him I wanted him to realize that he is not the same person he was and he was allowed to be happy again. I don't think he believed me, he is a raging alcoholic, he's not working at the moment, he's destroyed every relationship that he's ever had and he thinks he deserves that. I don't. Yes what he did was terrible, yes what he did is disgusting but at the end of the day... if he had come back the little girl in me would have run to his arms. I know I was "conditioned" with these emotions and I will be the first to admit that its not real love. My life changed paths when he started taking advantage of me. I don't know who I would have been if he hadn't. Maybe the guys that followed him in taking advantage, sneaking into my room even when the doors were locked and barricaded with chairs would have done the same damage. Maybe I wouldn't have eaten my feelings and gotten up to 300 lbs by high school, maybe I would have taken school seriously instead of getting drunk and high all the time. Maybe I would have gone to college instead of having a child with a meth addict. Maybe I would have believed that I was worth something instead of constantly trying to end my life. I don't know... I could play this game all day. It happened, I can't change it, he can't change it and I don't think that he should still punish himself nor should I. I don't know the reason for writing this... maybe I just need to write it out to process... maybe I'm hoping its okay that I forgave him... maybe I'm hoping to hear that I'm not completely insane. If you have read this far and don't think I'm completely insane for giving him my time even 20 years later I do have a question. Before we hung up he had something to say... "I have had a recurring dream for 20 years that I would see you one day, and you wouldn't say a word, but for some reason you would hug me and we would sit there silently in this embrace and it would fill every void my heart and I would know that things would be okay". What gets me about that is the nights that I didn't have nightmares, the nights that I wasn't filled with rage or just too drunk to think at all... I had the same dream. How is it possible that we had the same dream for so long? Does it mean something? I don't know. Its my decision if I want to see him face to face. I just don't know what to do. Will I hit him? Will I hug him? Will it help or will it hurt? Will I forgive him, continue to hate him? My worst fear is that I will fall back to that little girl who was conditioned to love him... what if I still want to love him? If it were you, would you meet him in person?
  11. Last week
  12. There is nothing wrong with you, something wrong happened to you. It's very different. It's common to have mixed feelings and it can be very confusing. You could try writing down all of your different feelings about him, sometimes it helps clarify things. It's ok to feel affection for someone and also be angry at that person for what they've done to us. It just makes you human. Don't hesitate to reach out if you need help.
  13. Dear @Mae Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through! Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us. Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.
  14. missfrier

    Hi!

    Dear @Cyclamen Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through! Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us. Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you need it
  15. I managed to put it behind me, or so I thought, in time for my A-Level exams. After the two months of exams, it hit me like a truck about what happened. I hadn't forgotten, it kept me up at night. I would randomly wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I thought that, if I move to a new city for university, I wouldn't feel so scared, so afraid of people. So, I accepted my place at a university. I had to move into a house with two guys and three other girls. I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. I ended up having several breakdowns and panic attacks. It got so bad to the point I contemplated ending it all. Luckily my friends and my housemate, who found out what happened, stopped me. I'm now on a waiting list for counselling with my university. I recently found out that the guy who assaulted me, I knew him. I had worked with him. Ever since I moved, he had been asking around about me, wondering where I had gone. He still doesn't know where I am but I have these horrible dreams where he finds me and finishes what he started. People tell me I should report him because I know him, but I no longer have evidence for what he did. No cameras, no more bruises and cuts to show what he did. Who would officials believe, him or a 19 year old girl? I'm so scared about what he would do if he did eventually find me....
  16. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all.
  17. Hi Vitamin, just checking in... Wondering if you were able to sleep ok. I hope the after-EMDR nightmares end soon... You are so brave 🙂 I'm usually around if you ever want to talk. Take care.

    feralcat

    1. vitamin

      vitamin

      Hey @feralcat

       thanks for checking in, I really appreciate it! The post-EMDR nightmares did die down but then I had another session today so have it all to look forward to again! I’m here if you want to talk too, I have family visiting this week so won’t be around as much but will check in most evenings.

      vit

  18. Dawn76

    Hi!

    @cymagray, I'm sorry for what you've been through. Like @8888 said it makes sense that you are nervous. It's hard to make that first connection and show your vulnrability. It takes a lot of courage for someone to come forward and admitt what they have been through. AS is a wonderful place to find people who understand and who you can talk to without fear of judgement. Share if and when you're ready to, as much or as little as you're comfortable with. Dawn
  19. 8888

    Hi!

    Welcome @cymagray to After Silence. You are new here and it's a sensitive topic so it makes sense to be nervous. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  20. Welcome @Mae72700 to After Silence. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. There is nothing wrong with you. Survivors react to trauma in a variety of ways. Your feelings are valid.
  21. Running

    Hi!

    Hey. firstly, I am sorry that you have experienced something that has brought you here. I have been here a few months and have found some wonderful people to talk to. Everyone here is very supportive, no judgements and there is always someone who will listen. took me a bit of time to get used to the site, take ur time with it, if you have any questions someone will normally be around.
  22. cymagray

    Hi!

    Hi, everyone, I'm new here (obviously), not sure what to say, I'm a little bit nervous. I feel like I've been running away from myself and my life for a while, but recently I decided to seek support, but it's so scary to do it in "real" life. Also, I remember using forums when I was younger, talking about everything and nothing, making friends with people of all kinds, feeling like I belonged somewhere. This is obviously a different kind of forum, but I think it'll be good for me to finally talk with people who understand me. So thank you for reading this!
  23. Hi, Rosa, and welcome!
  24. @Mae72700 Welcome to AS! I’m sorry that happened to you. You were taken advantage of what ended up being a young adult. Someone who knew better, but chose to violate you anyway. None of this was your fault. You were just an innocent child. He took that from you. You did not deserve that. You are not alone here. AS is a very supportive community. You can message me anytime if you need anything.
  25. MeBeMary

    hello!

    Hi Rosa, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry you have reason to be here, but I am glad you have found us. This community is filled with understanding and kind members. You are not alone. It is always a good way to start...checking out other posts. This will get you a little more comfortable with this site. Take your time tho, and interact when you are ready. I wish you the best as you navigate your path of healing. Mary
  26. 8888

    hello!

    Welcome @rosaa to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  27. Passed the Bar Exam!!😁

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