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  1. Today
  2. why does everyone i know online live with their parents or a partner but me? i feel like im the only one alone

    1. Ian37

      Ian37

      Annie, still perhaps better to be alone than feel lonely. As an example. I have a chance to not be alone for the holiday and would much rather spend it by myself in here than force myself to interact with those I've simply no respect for at all. Not sure if this is relevant or even makes sense to be honest. Please just know that you're not by yourself in being or feeling alone.

      :luck:

  3. Yesterday
  4. The admins can help with your name, but your birthday isn't visible to anyone but you and the admins, so don't worry about that.
  5. Thank you so much for your help. I am panicking a little bit because I don't want my birthday on there either. I feel like I have given too much information. I will try the advice you have given me. Thanks again.
  6. LOL! We could all have paid better attention in computer classes, hehe. On the bottom of the forums index page, there is a color-coded cluster of links...Admins, Moderators, Section Moderators, etc. Clicking on one of those links will list who does what task here on AS. @Rose is an administrator online frequently. I am sure she can best assist you with this matter!!! Happy Holiday week, hope you are doing well. Cap
  7. Thanks so much. I really would like to change the name but I am not sure how to contact the administrator. I should have paid better attention in computer class lol.
  8. Hi Jen, I briefly looked at your profile and your name and last initial are not showing anywhere other than in your actual user name, which is @Jen G. If this username is anonymous and is not your actual name or last initial, I think you're good because there is nothing I can see on your profile that tells me otherwise. If your user name is what you feel you want to change, I believe that if you can contact an Administrator, they can likely change your username for you without your having to re-register entirely. I can be wrong as I've been gone a long time but it's worth asking. Best wishes. Capulet
  9. I am new on this site and not very good with computers and I realized that I really don't want my name and last initial to be showing but I am not sure how to change it on my profile. I was hoping that mabey someone could let me know how I can do that . Thanks so much.
  10. My movie today

    Tonight when I reflect on the moments of the day, i will laugh at myself for the times my mind gave me thoughts that made me feel insecure, and worthless. I will laugh at that because it is absolutely silly that I treat my mind like it is this bully I have no control over; this ominous entity which casts a black veil of weakness over my self reflective eyes. It is quite the opposite. It is like the movie, the Wizard of Oz, with that man, I can't remember what they call him, but he acts like this all knowing, all seeing, powerful god, but really he is just a man behind a computer. It's kinda like that, except I am the man behind the computer. I decide which thoughts to keep and which thoughts to filter out. I decide what I want to shift my energy toward. It all felt so simple just yesterday. All of this felt so automatic. But I am learning that through action, and literally taking the decision in the moment to not give into the thoughts, slowly makes you feel like you are the one in control of your mind, and your mind is nothing but a machine under your operation. It's okay to feel emotional. When thoughts come remember to view them with compassion, understanding, and acceptance. Do not fight them. Remember they are in your complete control. You can focus on good things, and things that make you feel good because you deserve it.
  11. lunarosa welcome to AS. You will find this a supportive site. I am sorry what happened to you as a child, I have gone through the same thing. Yes things can get better. You are not alone here. Patricia
  12. Hi LunaRosa, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured as a child, it was wrong and unfair. I'm glad you felt ready to reach out. It takes time and courage. I know it did for me. You will find tons of support here on site. The struggles you face are the responsibility of the person that hurt you. Your feelings and reactions are justified. For those you love, I hope they are being patient and supportive. I am sure they hurt, because you do. Which is again, not your fault. I do hope the pain and struggles lessen for you and I hope the site is as much help to you, as it has been for me. I wish you well as you walk this path of healing. Mary
  13. I've never seen my roommate this scared...

  14. Last week
  15. Two friends giving me two different sides to the story. Don't make me choose.

  16. if ok
  17. I just got attacked by some girl. 😢

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. BabyDeepBlue

      BabyDeepBlue

      Thanks so much. It means a lot to me.

    3. LuthienTinuviel

      LuthienTinuviel

      That's awful. I'm sorry :hug:if ok 

    4. Ian37

      Ian37

      You're welcome, Baby Deep Blue. Feel free to expand or vent as needed if you're comfortable doing so. No matter what, please know that there are those out there who care.

      :luck:

  18. Welcome to AS. I am so sorry for the trauma you've experienced as a child. You will find that everyone here is friendly, supportive and there is no judgement at all. Your not alone here and many can relate. Take your time to look around and best wishes on your healing journey. PB
  19. You are in the right place and I welcome you here. I hope you find the support you need - this is a fantastic community and there are so many kind folks here willing to listen and stand by you as you heal. Best wishes. Capulet
  20. I found this site months ago and have just now gotten the courage to post something. I feel that my life is falling apart and I feel stuck and hopeless and like I'm holding those that I love back from being happy. I came here to try and find support and someone to talk to. My issues are all caused from abuse I suffered as a child and I feel like I'll never heal and never feel better. I'm not sure if I'm using this site correctly or if this even makes any sense but I needed to reach out somehow and this seemed like a good place.
  21. I feel manipulated and hurt :'(

    1. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: .

      hope your okay.

  22. I read somewhere that the official mental health folks that determine diagnostics for mental illnesses have changed the criteria for PTSD. Originally, the onset of PTSD could be linked to one major traumatic event. Now, they have linked it to long term trauma, like physical and mental abuse too. In my case, I have experienced both. I don't know if having a name for what is going on with me is a relief. I do know that as horrible as it maybe, that there is a bit of relief in knowing that I am not the only one out there. Medication has played a huge part in my recovery, and I can say now that I am a productive citizen that has stopped self-distructing. I hope that others with this condition seek help and know its out there to be had.
  23. My experience

    I want to share something. It may be a trigger warning for someone out here. I wouldn’t read this if you endured a rape that wasn’t based on intimidation. This maybe something that makes you remember something you don’t want too, or that you can relate to that may hash up those feelings again. Maybe someone can relate and helps them to know that they aren’t the only ones this has happened too. In either case, it is pretty intimately detailed, and please use caution when deciding to read this. My rapist didn’t threaten me. He didn’t hold a gun to my head, or a knife at my throat. He didn’t even order me around. He had simply cornered me. At the time, I weighed about 85lbs. I was recovering from having a long battle with pneumonia, and that had left me very weak and fragile. He was the maintenance man of the property I lived in. I lived in the camper next to his, and he worked on it a time or two before, knowing about the locks. He talked to me a good deal the day before it happened, and he expressed a very strong interest in having a relationship with me. I turned him down several times, explaining my loyalty to my boyfriend, and just being flat uncomfortable with his advances. The night of the rape, he knocked on my door, jiggled the door handle, and the door unlocked… something he knew he could do. He entered into my camper and started talking to me, the same he had tried the previous day. I was already in my nightgown and was heading to bed when he had come in. He held onto me, tried to love on me, and kept trying to kiss me. I kept trying to tell him no and kept trying to get away. But he was too big for me to fight with, and I froze in fear. All he wanted to do was show his affection to me and try to win me over, and for me to be in a relationship with him, and love him as much as he thought he loved me. The details got foggy from there on out. I don’t think he choked me or battered me in any way, but I think I shut down with the fear that I had. I had no bruises or scars to speak about and point to show what happened to me. The next morning, I got dressed, knocked the hell out of him with a cast iron skillet and ran away, barefoot and half dressed. All I could think about was to get to my boyfriend, but I had gotten lost in the new town. I had no one to turn too, and couldn't find my way. A cop stopped me. He knew what was wrong, but I was too afraid of the potential he had to harm me, that I couldn’t tell him what had happened. At the time, I didn’t even know that it was even an attack or rape. Now, I have a problem. My boyfriend is desperately trying to show me how much he loves me. He wants to be intimate with me and love on me. But the idea scares the hell out of me. It isn’t because I don’t want it, but because I’m scared of the potential of being vulnerable to the will of a man. I love him with all my heart and want to be with him, but how can I when I get so afraid of the potential I just freeze up like I did way back then? I have approached sex as a wham, bam, thank you kind of moment. I know it is needed, and sometimes I want it too, but the intimacy and desire to love someone that way is just too much for me to bare. The other thing about me… I was raised with a sexual predator as a brother. He attacked me physically and mentally starting at the age of eight, and it lasted until I left home at 16. The abuse was so bad that I had often thought about killing myself. Later, it came out, and he hit the national news that he was a predator. I finally felt some type of relief, knowing that my fears of him raping me had some basis, other than a figment of my imagination.
  24. Shouldn’t trigger, unless language/the discussion of guilt bothers you. Today, I spoke to my mother, also known fondly as the ‘Oompa Loompa.’ We were trying to finalize this week’s Thanksgiving plans. A couple entries ago, I explained how she is still breast-feeding my 30 year old sister, who just had a baby of her own. She goes there every day, cooks for her, does the housework, the laundry, et cetera, because apparently my sister doesn’t quite know yet how to allow someone else to hold the baby while she cooks or shops or does something productive around the house. So, my mother continues to enables her and picks up the slack of being a wife, mother, grandmother, caretaker of a newborn, cook and housekeeper all rolled into one. Now, this isn’t a jab on my sister - I know we all have to learn somehow. It’s her first baby. I KNOW how hard it is and how overwhelming it can be when all they do is cry, cry, and CRY. I know that sleep deprivation can render you useless at any given time…hell, I’m sleep deprived on a regular basis and don’t have a squalling infant to blame that on. So I shrug off my feelings and tell myself she’ll know the ropes by the time her second kid arrives. I do have to say though, the end result of my mother’s excessive coddling has been rough because now she’s exhausted and WE haven’t seen her in over a month. The time I planned to go and see her was derailed when J and I both had a stomach bug and we wanted to remain cautious and stayed away from the baby. Will be seeing my sister and the baby this Saturday, after Oompa Loompa comes here for Thanksgiving. This entry isn’t even about my sister, though. Or the Oompa Loompa, even though much amusement can be derived from talking about her and her shenanigans… Before we hung up, Oompa had some news for me. Her brother, my uncle, the ‘Reverend,” his unholy disgustingness, is in the hospital. Little background information. Other than looking like your classic creepy pedophile, he was always overweight and unhealthy. He’s diabetic, has bad knees and always, always seemed to have something wrong with him. Aside from mentally, of course. And now, physically. I’m surprised that no one else has the same effect from looking at him. I personally want to literally projectile vomit whenever I see his face. But I guess the point I’m trying to make…he was probably a fucking cat with nine or more lives in a previous life…I don’t understand why or how he’s still breathing. If you ask me, he doesn’t deserve the air he breathes. Yet, he keeps coming back to life. See…I remember this time from when I was eighteen and in college. I was living at my father’s house since he lived closer to the campus. I remember coming home from classes and my father telling me that my uncle was in the hospital, having suffered a massive heart attack earlier that afternoon. He survived that massive heart attack. Then, when I was somewhere between 21 and 22, my grandmother passed, and we all remember the flood of emotions that overwhelmed me. I might have cried if he didn’t survive that first heart attack, because this was before I came to realize that there was some suppressed feelings of animosity. He was Uncle L, and I hate to admit it, but on some level, there was love for him, because that was simply what being a family member entitled you, regardless of what a piece of shit you really were. And I know I’ve said it before but kids have unconditional affection for members of their families, especially the kids who don’t remember that they’re supposed to hate them. He ended up in the hospital again, after my grandmother’s death (if you read the blog entry, ‘Want Some Fries With That Invalidation?’ then you may remember a rather uncomfortable encounter I had with him there) riddled with infection, and he survived that, too. He underwent a quadruple bypass about three years ago. He was told by his doctors that he was a ‘ticking time bomb’ and the bypass surgery posed multiple risks, but if he didn’t have it, he was toast…it would just be a matter of time… Well…despite my secret prayers for a one-way ticket to hell, he survived the bypass surgery, too. Apparently, right now, his tiny, black heart is causing him some issues (I didn’t care to ask what kind of issues) and they admitted him into the hospital last night. She has plans to see him the week after Thanksgiving. In the meantime, he’s going to rot there while they run tests to try and figure out what his problem is, this time. I hung up with Oompa Loompa and felt the corners of my mouth turn upwards. Oh, my God, guys… I’m feeling like I’m a horrible, horrible person. Here I am…I’m SMILING like an idiot. I might have chuckled, too. I don’t think I’ve laughed completely yet, but…seriously? Am I that heartless? Am I capable of such hatred toward another person? A SICK person at that? I don’t think I like that about myself. I wasn’t raised that way. I was raised to be warm, loving, kind. To be gentle. To forgive. Forgiveness is so tricky in this case, though. I think I’d sooner forgive the man who SA’d me in 1996 than I would my uncle, and I can’t even remember why I hate him so much. My brain simply denies me that information, and for now, that’s okay. The thought of him being in the hospital is simply delightful. The thought of him spending Thanksgiving by himself while I spend it with my loved ones, is pure joy. Of course, if someone in the family would go pick his disgusting ass up, he’d come spend holidays with us but at this point, even my mother, his own sister, doesn’t want to take the two-hour trek each way, because not only would she have to go pick him up, she’d have to bring him back home to his cockroach-infested shit-sty. Not to mention she knows well enough by now that if he is there, I will not be. I haven’t seen him since my sister’s (the new mother’s) wedding day. It couldn’t be helped. I made sure to avoid him completely. Didn’t look at him, walked away when he walked past me in church to say hello. I made sure to leave the room whenever he walked in. And that’s been perfectly fine with me because I have not one shred of love left for this man and I’ve no desire to see him until he’s laid out in a coffin, or even more appropriate, a cheap-o cardboard box. If it were up to me, that’s what he’d get, only because by law, he would have to be placed into a receptacle before being buried. Then, I can spit into his dead, lips-sewn-shut face just before they put him in the ground. And then, after he’s been buried, I, Capulet, am having a party. My house. You’re all invited. Lots of junk food and laughs to be had. I will celebrate his departure from this world, just as strongly as I mourned my grandmother’s. I will have you all know, I feel terrible for having just said that. Just plain terrible. It’s not something that as a mother, I would ever teach my kids to feel when someone is sick, in pain or otherwise hurting. The guilt over having said such cold things about another human being is present, but at the same time, I’ve been waiting a very, very long time for my non-human friend, Karma, to show up. I just wonder…how many chances at life is this man going to get? What has he done to deserve all of these tomorrows? Why do so many good people suffer, and these monstrous sons-of-bitches who prey on innocent children keep on ticking? If that’s not the most fucked up thing in the world, I don’t know what is. On another note, I’ve been told that his death (whenever Karma ever does do her fucking job) may bring forth a slew of memories, of actual remembrances. Another epiphany may occur and I’ll know exactly why I hate him. I will know why the thought of him being reduced into a pile of shit, maggots and formaldehyde makes me giddy enough to smile. Maybe I won’t feel so guilty, if I find that later on, my suspicions turn out to be the truth I seek. Is that what Karma is waiting for? For me to be ready? I seriously doubt that Karma is in tune with my suppressed memories, but either way, it’s taking too damn long for this pathetic excuse of a person to succumb to his shitty health. I apologize to you all if this has shined a different, unfavorable light onto me as a person. I’ll be honest with you all, I don’t like what I hear, either, when it comes to my thoughts. Like I said before, I never thought myself capable of taking pleasure in another’s suffering, regardless of how rotten a person they may be. But I also promised myself that I’d never sugar-coat anything in my blogs, ever again. And so, I won’t. I am sorry if I’ve offended anybody, because as much as I hate my uncle, I also hate the people who have hurt you, too. I want Karma to take care of ALL of them! I’ll not lie to anyone and say I have any sympathy for their abusers’ ‘misfortunes,’ shall we say…because I don’t. I hate my uncle and I hate that people like him are still allowed to roam this Earth, I despise that these are the people who sully our beautiful existence and make us suffer. On the other hand, I know so many others feel and hear these thoughts, too. I think, though, that we all have our thirst for justice, whether it is served by way of a painful death or incarceration, it ultimately means we are free of the mental prisons these predators have sentenced us to life in. I think I’m going to be extra thankful this coming Thursday when I sit down to my turkey dinner, for the fact that I can safely say that I am a good enough person to feel even the smallest amount of guilt. It may be misunderstood, it may be unwarranted because such despicable people do not deserve any of my guilt for feeling the way I do. I know and have accepted that there are reasons I feel this way…even if these reasons aren’t known to me, they’re there, they exist. And I can furthermore conclude that the guilt I feel for smiling at the thought of my uncle laying in a hospital bed, alone, stems from my having learned kindness, despite a tarnished childhood. I’ll be damned if I’m guilted into showing him any kindness, now. With that, I want to take a moment to wish you all a blessed Thanksgiving. Whether you’re spending it with family, friends or by yourselves, I hope you’ll take a moment or two to make the day special for yourselves because you, my friends, deserve that. I know that so many of our lives are in disarray right now, and even though we struggle with our thoughts, there is always, ALWAYS something to smile about. Love, Capulet
  25. Decided to take a long break from all this... sometimes I think the world around me would rather me just sweep what happened under the carpet and just carry on like it never happened & honestly I think sometimes maybe that's what I should do.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. mimir

      mimir

      Sometime I also feel the same way.

    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Thank you :( ... I just want to go back to the time when it was all simple ... back before it all happened my head has been going through everything memories of the past every second almost like I was there again.

    4. mimir

      mimir

      Well. . . at least you have a "the time when it was all simple".  I have no such thing. Look forward. Your past will be always there and there is nothing you can do now to change that. Instead of reliving that live this present now. Do something to make this life better than that past. 

  26. Week by week

    I Saw him today. Not the bad one but the second one. My second ex and my second abuser. I saw him and all I wanted to do was cry and scream. I didn’t say anything. I just ran. Talking about them and what they did is hard, but seeing them. That’s inpossible. When I see him, all I see is who I was and how that girl that I once was is gone. The little girl who was comfortable and safe, she isn’t around anymore. I cant even bring myself to talk to them and let them know how I feel. But what good would it do. Would they listen? Would they care? Or is that just setting me up for a worse life? A bigger story? I don’t know and I don’t plan to find out.
  27. You’re not alone. I’m glad that someone else like me has felt this. I’m sorry that you have been through this and some much has had to change because of it. I wish you the best *hug if okay*
  28. Thank you for posting... I have felt the same way for so long and this is the first time i have ever been on a site like this and i happened upon this. I feel like he is always in the back of my mind reminding me that without him i wouldn't be me. It hasn't even been about year since i was last violated by him and since then i literally moved to another country, cut all contact and for the first time talked to someone (my friend) about what happened. I really identify with what you are feeling so I guess i just wanted to thank you for reminding me i am not alone
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