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- Today
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I dont really know what to do with this. Maybe it should be a free writing excercise. Let the thoughts flow as they come. So, take 1. The last couple of months has been a blur. My grandmother is resting peacefully. I hope she is proud of who I am becoming. It is still a process for my dad. He and my sister have moments that they still grieve visibly. It is difficult for them to talk about her or see her pictures. I find her picture comforting in a way especially when I see her with her great-grandkids. It makes me happy to know they got to experience her in a small way. For them to know where she came from and what is possible. For her to see her legacy. Work is my escape when I get into it. Once I start I just keep going. I know it's not healthy but it keeps me focused on something else. It is very easy to work a 12 hour day or work late at night into the early morning. I already sleep a few hours a night so I am not missung sleep I would have gotten. My account team is in the UK and think I have lost my mind. Little do they know I probably have just a little. I have been having my moments of flashbacks. Moments where I can only see the past. I can only feel what I felt then. Moments where even the thought of assault is a trigger. Those are the sensitive moments. The moments where I recognize my whole body movements have changed. My attitude becomes more angry. My body is reserved. I am more sensitive to maintaining my bubble. Keeping my 3ft buffer against any type of touch or getting to close. It's hard knowing they live their lives quite comfortably. They are content and successful. They have no long-lasting trauma. No damage. It's like it never happened. Like these are normal life experiences and you just move on. But I cant just move on. I am stuck there. In that moment. I am constantly analyzing what I could have done 'better'. It's not hard keeping this to myself. I have sheltered myself so well that I am afraid I have done it too well. So well that it is 2nd nature now. So well that I dont even know what I feel anymore. I can no longer put words to feelings. I am not sure if I am feeling anymore. Much of the time it is just numbness. There's no joy or sadness. There is just making it through a day. Thats what has become hard. I may not have expressed the feelings but I knew what they were. I knew they existed. Now, I am not sure they exist. Putting words to a bad day or multiple days is harder. Explaining why it is a bad day is harder. Finding words to just express myself is harder. I am censoring myself constantly. Not expressing satisfaction or dissatisfaction and not certain I having an opinion towards either in many situations. The other issue is still an issue. Not well managed either. I cant wait til colder weather is here. People dont really understand that battle. It doesnt make sense to them. They dont get how it is possible to be damaged on the other end of the spectrum. They also cant acknowledge that they know something is wrong. I dont want them to but it would take away some awkwardness. I would probably never show my face to them again but at least then I can stop wondering how bad of a person they see me as.
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Welcome here This is a great site. I don't post alot but I do get on and read some. Everyone here is super helpful and supportive.
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Recorded a bit and colored some of my hair purple
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@Oneinamillion i have been waiting to do so. i had the stuff but wasnt brave. i hope to hear recordings of you soon if you want. its good to record for self anyway to practice
@Free2Fly@Painnbroken im proudof myself. im not good at self care
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Ive started dating my best friend *greg2* and I'm pretty sure I am completely and utterly in love with this man. There is no way that these 2 men are alike. He makes me feel beautiful everyday. Now onto what this blog is for. I came to realize I might have to change the title to 128, because I remembered a time where my ex forced himself onto me because he was angry that I didn't want a polyamours relationship and considered him to be cheating on me. I never said anything because I thought that's what ppl did in relationships. I used to be so dumb. But sex without consent is still rape even if that person is your significant other.
- Yesterday
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Hi Alimanu, welcome to AS. I am glad you have had some therapy and I hope it was helpful. I was also abused in my teenage years. People here will not judge you because we understand. I hope you feel less alone already and know we are here for you.
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Hello Healingtz, welcome to AS. I also find writing easier than talking about things, and reading about others experiences helped me feel less alone. You've found a safe place to open up where people understand. I hope you enjoy your social work studies and I wish you the best in your healing.
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Hello @nailimixam, I'm late to this thread but wanted to send a welcome too. I liked the song a lot, thank you for sharing that. I hope that you find this place a safe and supportive place while you explore your history and I hope that you discover the truths you are seeking. I have lost memories too and some have come back and others haven't. Whether you are able to retrieve memories or not you deserve compassion and support as you face the difficult road ahead. I'm also on the newbie support team so feel free to get in touch if you need anything.
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Hi, pahatfi! I am a new member too. I am sorry for the trauma that brought you here and your loss. You will find support here!
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Hi and welcome to AS. I'm so sorry for the trauma and for the resent loss of your husband. Safe hugs if ok
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i wish someone would reach outt ome.. ask where i have been ...if im ok....if i need anything
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So many safe hugs for you @Alimanu I'm short on words tonight but I'm sitting with you.
- Last week
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Welcome to AS. I'm sorry about the trauma that brought you here. Glad to hear you want to dig in and support others thats huge! We have lots of supportive members and I'm glad to welcome you to As today.
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Welcome to After Silence, It's okay to be nervous, its a big step to join a community like this. We are all here for you and i hope being here will help you. please get in touch if you need anything, take care, Paula
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welcome to After Silence, I am so sorry for your recent loss, and for all you've been through. I hope you will find some peace and healing here with us,. take care, Paula
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So, the laws protect the abusers. I can't list the names of mine? I am hunting them down systematically and sending messages , emails, FB posts, and am tracking down a number right now so I can leave a message. There is nowhere to hide anymore. This world protects only the evil and ignores the good, this world is all about punishing the good and upholding the wicked systems. I have about zero hope left but I will die fighting, it's in my blood, it's my nature. You can't win. I win. A-FREAKING-MEN or as I like to say, AWOMEN
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Welcome to AS. I wish you all the best on your healing journey
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Hi, Alimanu, and welcome! This is a great site.
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Hi, Healingtz, and welcome!
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Hello Alimanu, Welcome to AS. I am so sorry for the trauma you've experienced. You will find that everyone here is safe, friendly, supportive and there is no judgement at all. Your not alone here and many can relate. Take your time to look around. You can say as much or as little as you like and best wishes on your healing journey. PB ( Dee )
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Hello guys, Im 19 my sexual abuse started when I was 14. I have recently finished therapy and I hope that this community will continue to be a safe place for me. I am nervous to be judged I have had a goal for my abuse not to make me who I am. I hope to help others I love being a listening ear! I can't wait to speak to others and know I am not alone.
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Maybe it's time (again) to acknowledge to myself that I need a break. That I am suffering. Maybe the mask is falling, maybe he is getting ready to come out and let me be there for him. I love him so much and I want to lift his sorrow and banish his horrors.
This is currently getting me through: -
Welcome to AS! Sorry you have been through so much. With time and support its possible to heal, luckily for you there's plenty of helpful and supportive people here.
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I'm sorry for what you've been through. So many safe hugs if that's okay. Im glad you've found this site, it's very supportive and open. I hope you find some healing here.
sorry to hear this 
I'm holding your hand if that's okay 
