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awi

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    Survivor

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  1. i want to die

    SA, thank you so much. I needed to hear those words today. Hugs accepted. A
  2. i want to die

    Survivor Amy, thank you. So true and also may I say I don’t know you, but know that place you mention of pain and I am so proud of you. I am now dealing with anger, also sadness. I’m afraid of the anger as I see I was always a peace maker. Trying to be as still as possible, do the right things, to not upset the monster. There was never anything right I could do. He was so full of rage. I was hit by day and hurt by night. And later it all spread to the day. I still have difficulty sleeping. But I have things that help. Like leaving small lights on, having a pet and the best and nicest bed ever. No one likes to sit on it as it is full of dog fur (haha) i don’t mind. I love my dog and like that she keeps people away from my bed. As a child it was the only thing that was really mine. And I live with all the typical problems of family interactions. Mpeople in denial. The others that say get over it, etc. It gets old. Everyday it does get easier to talk about it and when I do it is lighter. A gentle hug if ok and the best kindest thoughts your way. I wish you all the best life can bring from this that is your present and future no one can touch and is truly all yours to enjoy. A
  3. The wait is nerve racking

    Hi, again I can relate. I also decided not to have children but at age 10. I wanted to adopt. And life did also get in the way. Another wow. I so understand the feminine thing. But look if this helps. My sister got it done and didn’t notice a difference. She is married and has no kids it has been 5 years since. The only difference she says is no more periods. I still haven’t got one done. I have huge polyps but no more bleedings. I personally had trouble getting the procedure done because it reminds me of things that happened to me I won’t mention as I don’t wish to upset you. Sit tight. Wishing you all the best.
  4. i want to die

    I feel like this from time to time. some times the feeling seems to last for ever. But there are also better times. It does help to be heard even if anonymously. Abuse,produces an effect it is life long. You learn to live with it. Everyday I survive I win. So much was taken from me. I refuse to give up what is left of my life. No matter how difficult it may seem at times. It is better than being under that horrid spell of the past. In that sense I am free. Turning wounds into scars can be quite painful. It may take years. But they are my years I won’t give and decide to spend them healing and continue battling on. You are worth it, you are valuable. You have every right to your own feelings. It took me ages to express I was angry. It is a way of getting rid of the poison. awi
  5. Day 3 - Client Under Siege

    The first thing I thought was wow. Then I read the responses to the post starting with the same word. I have been there in that picture of a tornado you describe so well. The love and loyalty that is attached to incest. Surely is confusing to say the least. As one can’t imagine those we love most turning on us or doing something that hurts us in their own benefit. With it they corrode the foundations a family is built on. So the family will never admit, or will be devised on admiting this collective shame. It is just so cowardly to blame the victim. You love your dad because you are a good loving person. Being a perp because of being abused does not take away responsibility from abusing. Being afraid the family would split fall apart was always my fear then I realized it was broken long ago when my brother abused me. I later helped look after his children, was friends with his wife. Cared for them. Was all forgiving. He interfered in all my relationships. Never wanted me to have a couple. Now I think he was afraid I would,and could tell someone else about the abuse or would realize that what he had done to me was abuse. He ended up hating me and teaching his family to despise me. Inmthe end I felt used again. Now I have realized it’s important to invest ones affections in new people who are good and nurturing. awi
  6. Am i deserve it?

    I believe you. It wasn’t your fault. It’s typical for the closest people in our lives to live in denial. It’s a taboo subject and they don’t want the r word associated to them. You are valuable and so, so worthy of the best life can bring. AN idea for your birthday. maybe you can celebrate it another day. Next month. In the future you can maybe just tell ppl you are planning a trip and want to celebrate before, or after it. What is important is for you to be able to vent. Talk to someone or ppl. Like here in this site and also therapy with the right therapist. It can take time to find the right one and they need to have experience with this type of trauma. Believe me it does get better. But only when you are ready. Keep strong. You will also be able to pass this birthday. Every year it will get better. There are ups and down and bumps in the road. This site is here to be with you through it all. They helped me during the hardest times of my life. I am talking from experience it is not bluff. Also seeing other people’s lives improve and conquer. Hold on tight for the tide will soon turn. awi
  7. The wait is nerve racking

    I can relate so well to what you are going through. I worked a whole year with bleeding from uterine polyps. You will survive this too. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Remember to breathe. Wait for the results and you will make the best desiciones possible based on that information. About children. You can always freeze ovules and use them later. I have friends who have later had children with the help,of surrogate mothers. Also adoption, etc. etc. So much can be done nowadays. I had severe anemia in 2014. Finally I stopped bleeding and have not removed my uterus. I may have to still in the future and get check ups once a year. I will pray for you to not feel worried, scared or bad. Unfortunately life comes with negative things, but know you are not alone. I’m happy you are here and have people who care. gentle hugs awi
  8. Hahahaha. I loved reading this Capulet. I’m happy you didn’t break any bones. awi
  9. WHY????????

    It was not your fault. You did nothing to make this happen to you. It’s like when someone robs another person on the street or is subject of a violent crime (rape is included even if ppl don’t scream, talketc) we go over the scene again and again finding reason to what has no reason. The perps are sick ppl. Also we think of what we could have done differently as we imagine we had the control. We didn’t that is the truth. We can’t assume the blame of the attacker. I don’t care who hey are they come in all shapes and sizes. I was revictimez time and time again. We try and continue life acting trusting when feeling the opposite. When attacked we freeze like really any normal person does when in danger. You will have a fight or flight response that many times makes us freeze like when crossing a street and a car almost hits you. Instead of running you feel paralyzed and can’t move from the excess of cortisol your body has just sent out from prediciendo extreme danger. This especially when you can relate to a past experiences. You are worthy, you are beautiful strong and courageous. A survivor. The world needs more people like you. Keep strong. This place is wonderful. It saved me through the toughest times in my life. gentle hugs, awi
  10. Awi is back old member

    Capulet, thankyou so much. I will write it down. I think I dissociated during the year I was in T. Sometimes it upsets things a bit, before they get better. awi
  11. Awi is back old member

    Thank you tuliptorn, crushed flower and pattyr. You are so kind. awi
  12. Hello, returning member

    Hi, Welcome back. I am also and old member that is back again. In my case 11 years later. This does not mean we haven’t healed. It’s just that we are about to heal even more. When I’d hear other people say it was a life long process I would think oh no. I will never heal. Now I understand it is in stages on better and wellness. And to that there is no limit. Life at times will put us in a situation where old unresolved things pop up. But not till we have a reached a point in where we ant handle it. I find it’s important to have support and this place is wonderful. Awi
  13. Awi is back old member

    Akb thank you so much for your post. I forgot my pw again for a few months, I don’t know why it happens. But I’m happy to be back.
  14. Awi is back old member

    Thank you so much. Capulet, silentg, brokenangel, mebemary and struggling. You are all so kind. Capulet. So true we are for ever changing but this place remains. Thank you again to each and every one of you. awi
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