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aperson

I am not sure which it is but my attempt at being open and honest is unsuccessful. I am definitely shutting out. Reaching out is just becoming too painful and isolating. It shouldnt be. People dont realize that words have power. They hurt whether we let on or not. They cut deeper than physical pain at times. And then there is the flat out dismissal of my feelings and thoughts. The dismissal of what I feel because it doesnt look like what they expect or want.

I dont think it is shutting down but it is what I want it to be. Shutting down symbolizes I no longer allow this crap to occupy constant space in my dailey thoughts. It exists but I put it back undrr lock and key. Yes, my feelings and unresolved guilt and shame exist but...they dont matter.

In writing this, it feels like I shouldnt say I am doing either. Announcing it feels attention seeking or not shutting out/down. Either way, attempting to reach out was a fail. Maybe another day I will feel less pessimistic about it. 

aperson

I feel like I am constantly being handed lemons lately. Every time I turn around there is one issue or another. Work sucked so I changed jobs but right now that os a huge question mark. From the training to the test to the calls. It was a financial hit too. Thought we could manage that but the universe seems to think differently. I tried to manage that with a vehicle that required less maintanence. 2 months in and I am looking at a 1600.00 repair bill.

It just feels like every thing I try to right goes way wrong. Right now, I am just fed up and tired. Whatever karma has planned is a slow painful revenge. I like my revenges quick. More time to recuperate.

aperson

You ever have those moments where you are so filled with 'stuff' that all you want to do is scream? All of the pushing down of feelings to try to stay present and 'sane' have caught up with you? All the fighting to not remember, be triggered or 'keeping a brave face' have worn you down? In an attempt to feel nothing, you feel everything? Now you just want to scream. Scream like a coyote howling during a full moon. Everything feels raw. Your patience is failing. Your anger is building. Your mind is raging and torn between keeping the facade and releasing all that is in you.

That's my day. That is my life. Always fighting to keep myself from falling off a cliff. Its an exhausting task to maintain daily. Some days are easier but at some point I have to let all that 'stuff' see light. It must be released into the atmosphere so it doesnt injure me further. But releasing feels dangerous for me and anyone I am in contact with. There is fear of how bad it will hurt to feel all if that at one time. To not be able to fully describe all thosefeelings.

I have spent so much of my life stuffing. I just want to get past my past a live afuture not hindered by fear, mistrust, anger, shame, brokeness. I want to do that without harmingmy family. Without stirring up trouble. Without feelingmore isolated than I was before. Is that too much to ask? The answer seems to be a loud yes. My family structure is fractured enough. I dont want to do any more damage to anyone. Yes, after  everthing, I still dont want to hurt them.

aperson

Shaking. The kind that you can feel start from the inside. From your bones to your veins to your muscles. Skin tingling. The trigger. Someone sat next to me. 

I havent given my new co-workers the talk about my personal space. Last week one kept touching me. I silently prayed then. Today the prayer didnt work. I kept saying to myself, it will be fine. Sge will move soon. She didnt and the feeling kept building. I could no longer focus. The trembling became visible. Someone else saw and I got up. 

I need to breath. I need to remain centered. Focused. Present. Count it out. Deep breath in. Slow release. It is not a good thing to flip out on them. You have to tell tthem soon. 

10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breathe...

aperson

Insomnia

It is frustrating when I cant sleep. If I fall asleep now, I can get 3 full hours but that wont happen. It is one of those nights where a billion thoughts are in my head and they all want to be answered of acknowledged. No sooner than I handle one another appears. And God forbid one becomes a complex stream of thought. 

And it isnt just 1 train of thoughts. They are all over the place. Are the doors locked? What am I wearing to work? I should wash my laundry. My hair. What should I do with my niece's hair for summer? The less we have to do, the happier we all are. Did he call the insurance about his car? Wonder if I should see a doctor about pain in my elbow. The list goes on and on and on. A game doesnt help. Nor a movie and definitely not silence or darkness. The last 2 options cause the thoughts to be 10 times worse.

There was a time I could use work to solve this. Now I have to figure out something else. 

If I sleep now, I can get 2hrs and 56 mins of sleep.

Maybe I am too hot but I have my fan and air on. Minimal cover because I must have it even if only on my feet. Not a milk person so no warm milk for me. Training is going to be painful at work. I am already bored and adding sleepy is not a good look. Lol I already fell asleep once last week. Cannot do it twice. 

If I fall asleep now, I can get 2 hrs and 48 mins of sleep. Typing this on a phone takes longer than I thought. Maybe shorter if I made less spelling errors 😊

Think I am more awake now than I have been in the last few weeks lol. My body clock seems to have confused night and day. 

Or maybe I just needed to have a conversation even if it is a one-sided one. Writing can be quite theraputic and relaxing. Something about thought to paper (in this case screen) relieves the mind. It releases just enough thoughts that sleep is possible. It will be waking up that will be an issue. I will revert to the kid who tells their parent 'I dont want to go to school today' or 'I'm sick' just to get to sleep in.

If I fall asleep now, I can get 2hrs and 25 mins of sleep. Let's see if I can beat the alarm.

aperson

I watched a movie the other night called 'The Tale'. I am not always one who reads the overview of a movie. The title catches my eye and I watch. This is one I probably should have passed on but I couldnt stop watching because I related so well to it. It is about a woman who receives a story she wrote when she was younger from her mom. The story was about a young girl who was manipulated and sexually assaulted. The film spends the rest of the time with her trying to reconcile the story with her memories from 30 years ago. 

This is what I feel like daily. I feel like I have these memories that feel unreal. I feel like I documented something years ago, blocked it out and rewrote it. Now, my mimd is trying to determine which is the truth. Was I that young? Were there that many? Was it all a lie? A fabrication because I needed a tale? A reason forbeing the way I am. I know that the thoughts werent 'planted' by anyone. By the time I soughttherapy, the memories were already present. 

I want to believe my memories and say that I am doubting myself because I was very young at the start. How can you trust the idea that a 5yr old or younger recalls something like that accurately? Or that a 12 yr old recalls her memories from that age accurately. Did I fill in the 'blanks' with what I believe is a plausible explanation? 

In my head, it all seems extremely real. My emotions react to the memories. My body reacts to the memories. I feel negative responses when I think too long about the times it happened. The doubt creeps in though. I start to question the details. I start to wonder if I inserted a detail for a part I couldnt recall. Did something I felt was inappropriate happen and it was completely innocent?

Because I do have such specific memories of before, during and after the events I am trying to have faith that they are true. It would be difficult for a child who hasnt experienced it to have such details and remain consistent. 

Realistically, I should have turned this movie off as soon as I saw where it was going. The fact is I related too well and couldnt turn it off. Most other films deal with someone lying about it or drunk or drugged or have memories planted by someone else to explain their behaviour. In this case, it was none of those. The only difference is she seemed to block out much of it includimg what she looked like at that age. Picturing herself curvier and fuller and more adult-like. I can see myself as the child I was. 

Part of healimg for me is to resolve the doubt. Until I do so, I will be stuck. I will always be moving in a circle. Always reverting to past behaviours when I think I have made.some progress. It isnt progress though. Its a pointless effort that I will have to repeat when the cycle comes back around. The woman in the film confirms what happened with another person, her mom and confronts the abuser. There is no one who can confirm it for me. I cannont comfront some of them because they are dead or have moved on in life. Others have family ties. As a cousin of mine says, we have enough broken branches on the family tree. Anymore and it will be a dead tree. And there is the one that I just cant. It has been my hope that confronting them is not required in my healing. They are all pretty dead to me. I dont speak with them at all. I may be proven wrong later. If so then that is when I will do it.

Today, the doubt is minimal and tamed. That is all I can ask for. 

aperson

Yesterday was Memorial Day. It is the 1 day a year I plan to go to the cemetary. I go to say hi to my family. The 'unplanned' trips are because I am at a breaking point. Those usually turn out very bad. Unfortunately, some of that family was toxic. My mother's family has the most in one place. Sadly, they are all together so there is no avoiding specific ones. Luckily I dont go alone. It is helpful because I dont get emotional and sit there crying alone. That doesnt mean that I am not affected. It becomes a suffering in silence and trying to push back negative emotions and thoughts. I still am angry for what I believe some of them knew but did nothing to stop it and for those who were directly responsible. I just wish the day would come that I am less affected, de-sensitized in a way. 

But that is a long way off. If it ever happens. I am not holding my breath either way. 

I have become more aware that I must stay busy. After changing jobs and being in training unti July, I am bored. If nothing else I always had something to do before. Now, I try to be patient while everyone else catches on. That is not meaning I am smarter than them. I just have a bit more experience with some of the tools than they do. I remember when I was 'tech' support for it for 2 years. I am also use to using 10+ systems to do my job so I am not confused by having so many windows open on 1 screen. It is a transition of working all the time to only 8hrs a day. I am having to re-learn how to occupy the downtime without sinking into a deep depression.

So here is to hoping that aknowledging these 2 things relieves some anxiety and the Sandman sprinkles his magic dust over me before 2am.

aperson

Week 3

This is week 3 of training and I am still clueless I feel. Still a lot I just dont get. It just doesnt make sense yet. Still have 9 weeks to go. The 2nd biggest change is the free time I have. No more working late nights, early calls, interviews, reports, babysitting grown adults. No more worrying how to keep the account afloat and trying to convince people to stay when the company is showing them they dont matter. I have my evenings free. I can just relax. But that would be too easy lol. I have too much time now. I still stay awake until 2am. 

I can say a lot of the stress has been relieved. I am all for a challenge but this challenge was set to fail from the start. So I have started crocheting again. Using that to occupy some time. Catching up on Netflix. Their original films are awesome. I have plenty of time to study but havent brought myself to do it. Reading about stocks and bonds, life insurance, taxes and retirement accounts is boring as h%$%. I am trying to be sure to not allow myself to slip so easily into my own mind and negative thoughts of myself or others. I was there for a few days. Realized where I was headed and just decided to push past it. It sounds like avoidance but just trying to stay out of dark and unsafe places mentally. One thing we do in training daily is to name 2 things that went well for the day. To keep away from everything the others say has been a challenge. There are 14 people including the trainer and me. 12 of then say daily how the training is starting to make sense every day. It is now day 13. I try to stay away from that. Choosing anything I can. It is beneficial doing this brcause I have to think of something good that day. That is a new challenge. I have resorted to a daily countdown to friday lol.

But so far it's ok. I am pushing through and slowly learning. Just a couple more major steps to get past. I can relax more after that I think. Hmmmm maybe my hair will grow back now. That would make it worth it!

aperson

So....I havent updated this in a long time. A few reasons for that.

First, after almost 7 years, I resigned from my job. The people I worked with in my office were mostly great. My boss was definitely my top boss ever. She had what I lack in the people area and I had the operational stuff down. Having the most tenure on my account helped a lot. At the end of the day, several things caused me to throw in the towel. I was way overworked and underpaid. I was putting in about 60 hours a week. I was sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. I was burned out and the workload was not getting any better. Because my account team is based in the UK, I started getting emails before I woke up each day. They didnt let up until the early evening US time. I was stretched and stressed beyond normal levels. Because the US company was being poorly managed, my agents were leaving left and right. The moral at the site was the lowest I have ever seen. No pay raises in more than 3 years and horrible benefits. The recruiting team was a disaster for the quality of applicants and their process.

Anyway, the final straw came with layoffs in leadership positiins at the end of March. Now they werent getting raises and no opportunity to advance. They were evn laying off my boss. There were many talks with HR before and after this but nothing changed. No new business and no changes in workload. So I gave my notice. It saved myboss her job. Now she sees the pain I endured for 5 years. I now work in the same building but on another floor and for a different company. I see her daily. The other day we literally had the same conversation from 7 months ago but in reverse. She was on the verge of tears feeling like she was a failure. We laughed at the role change but she understood what I was saying to her now. So I still help her out but as an 'advisor' only. 

My new job is challenging. I am clueless right now and worried. Keeping the job requires a federal license. I dont feel able to pass the test right now. It all sounds like blah blah blah. The others claim they are getting it. My trainer said sometimes you have a look like what the hell. I told him I was probably thinking that but I am trying.

One thing I have come to realuze is the old job kept me from having to think so much about my own issues. There just wasnt enough time in the day to think of myself. Now, I got plenty of time and thats all I do. This cycle is frustrating and hard. I am suppised to think about it to acknowledge my feelings. Tgat is supposed to help me verbalize them and nit internalize them. I am supposed to be forgiving them and myself. I am supposed to be moving forward and releasing the hold of fear. What is really happening us cycles of depression. I am emotionally stunted. An adult with emotiinal state of a 7 yr old. Feeling like the child who is still learning what I feel and when or if I am free to express them. I am stagnate. Stuck. I hear and read about techniques to help me move forward but I am still in that place. The one where you are still at step 1 of a 12 step process. I am so inhibited that I feel like I am shutting down all emotions, happy or sad. I pray for deliverance of this part of me. I dont see anything that has changed. We went to a church revival today and if I wasnt distracted by my own thoughts, I was trying to decide which emtion to expres while the preacher gave her sermon. I understoid what she was saying and it touched my. But all I could do was stare mindlessly. By the time I decide on a reaction, the moment is gone.

I am losing what little bit of myself I have. I dont think GOD is hearing my prayers. 

aperson

Because my brain is all jumbled and my heart is hurting...

I am finding it hard to stay centered right now. I try and get about 3 good hours. After that I am worthless. I cant help but focus on the message I got Thurs. I cant help but think of all that may want me gone. I cant help but think of how much I wanted this job to work only to have this happen. This was my career. My place to retire. I keep trying not to cry. I have to move on and move forward. But what I want is to hide in my bed. I dont want to talk or see anyone. My insecurities are coming back to the surface. Things I try to hide in many ways.

I feel alone. But I set it up that way. I have pushed and pushed. The wall is still there even though I painted a pretty picture on it. Now it is a pretty wall. It still blocks the world from me. I am still protecting myself as much as possible. I still hold everyone at arm's length. That is true for everyone. I dont have long friendships. Hell I cant even keep friends. 

I feel like a bit of a burden. My mood swings can be vast. I can spend a day in so many different moods I get motion sick. And when the wrong one sticks, it stays for weeks. Because I dont want to be the person who is dragging everyone down, I put on the face. Whatever was bothering me no longer matterson the outside. Inside I have so much to say. I have a need to release what is bubbling up inside. Normally I would take a drive to help clear my head. But I cannot do that due to my car acting up. And I dont even want to deal with that right now. I need to but I just want it to magically work for me.

Everyone says you look tired. I am. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Last thurs and fri I couldnt sleep. Caught an hour here and there. I normally spend a few days a week working 16hr days. So I am tired. If they only knew the emotional portion is taking the greatest toll on me. 

So it is nearly 3am. I am writing this because I really want to go for a long walk and cry. I am writing this to not cause physical harm. I am writing thisbecause using my voice is too difficult. I am writing this so I get it out. I am writing this because drinking wont solve anything. I am writing this because I want a semi-peaceful sleep. I am writing this because I am hurting. I am writing this becauseI want a hug but cant accept it. I am writing this because it is 3am and I cant stop thinking.

aperson

I am so heartbroken by the message I got yesterday. I cancelled all of my meetings. I spent more time crying at work than actually working. My boss sent me an email that she hadnt heard about a petition. In the afternoon she came to talk with me. She wanted to know who told me. I know who told me but they are not part of our organization so telling her who it was is pointless plus I dont know who said they were doing the petition and neither does the person who told me. She asked if there was anything she could do. She insisted that what they say is not true and that she never has had any complaints or concerns come to her. As much as I tried, I cried because that is all that I could do. she told me to stay home Friday but I know all I will do is cry and have troubled sleep so I declined. She says she has told no one else. I dont know that I believe any of what she says right now.

I cancelled all meetings  for Friday as well. I am only speaking when required. If I am not hiding because I am crying I sit at my desk and try to focus. I am moving as best as I can. I just want to not go to work but if I dont keep going in, I wont go back at all. I am literally crushed right now. I came home and force myself to eat and then slept for 5 hours. I dont know what to do. I dont know who to trust and I feel completely alone. There is no one I can talk to about this who I feel is not biased. I am lost. I am damaged. I started deciding what was the best way for me to die. Although I have these thoughts regularly, I have not planned it in almost a year. Realizing what I was doing only added to the sadness. It felt like I was attempting to make some progress only to be setback. 

I have no reason to believe the messenger has ill intentions. They are not in my department. The dont typically communicate with anyone from my area. I trust them and dont trust them at the same time. That probably doesnt make a ton of sense to anyone else but it does to me. I cannot fully concentrate. It is even worse than my normal lack of concentrate. I am just lost. The best thing for me to do is just try to go to sleep.

aperson

I found out from someone that some people want me fired. I wouldnt be so bothered except the reason is because they say I have bad hygiene. I have already spoken with my boss about my performance and that I felt that my team had an aversion to me. I thought they felt like I was a poor leader. the truth is they dont want me around because I smell. I am not upset that they feel this way. They are right. I am more upset about the way it is being handled. I have emailed my boss and asked her to re-distribute some of my direct contact with people including interviews. I also let her know the reason why. She hasnt seen the email so no idea what her thoughts are and at this point I dont even really want to know.

I will not lie that I have an issue regarding hygiene and it has been a struggle since I was a small child. It has not been an issue regarding work. While there may be people who feel a certain way, they have never gone to this this level. If anyone else felt this way, they have been able to talk to me. Even when they have an issue with someone else at my current job, they have been able to go to our manager to have the conversation with the employee. 

I just dont feel like dealing with any of them right now. Had they mentioned it even to my boss, I would have given her a brief explanation of the issue. Now, I am not even sure if she knows about it and is in on the whole thing. I dont trust any of them. For someone who already has trust issues, it just reinforces my current thought about people in general. I have made attempts to open up but this just makes me want to retreat back into my own world. Then they will say that I am not engaging with them. Funny thing is they should be happy with that but they wont.

I dont know what to do at this point. Knowing all of this, I still have great anxiety of doing anything to resolve the issue right now. All that I can do is cry. In the end, I am hurt. There are people who are saying one thing to my face and conspiring behind my back. I had already decided that I was going to leave my job before. This just reiterates that I  should move on and start over. I should not open myself up to people because they do not realy care about you. They dont really repsect you no matter how much they say otherwise. I just feel like telling them I quit but that isnt what I was taught. I am more professional than that and I have always said, dont quit a job without having another unless you have come into a huge sum of money. I have neither. 

It is going to be so difficult going into work now. It will be uncomfortable for me and they will notice. They will ask why and I will pretend as if it is their imaginations. What else do I do? Share information with people I dont trust so they have more ammunition? Back into the hole I go. There it is safe and familiar. No one but me to deal with.

 

aperson

I have understood from a very early age that I am ugly externally. No one says it but there are the comments and comparisons that let you know you are not attractive or even cute. 

I have always been the heaviest of my closest family and friends. As a child it amounted to being 1 clothes size bigger than those my age. But hearing other's comments I thought I was just the fattest thing ever. I recently looked at some old photos and thought I wasnt that large. I even looked normal. In the eyes of a child those words had me thinking I was the world's fattest kid. People always suggested what I shouldn't eat or drink so I 'didnt get bigger' or I 'wouldnt fit my new clothes'. That was quite defeating to be told I shouldnt have what everyone else had because I was fat. So I snuck them whenever I could. Sweets and food would disappear. I would sneak trash to the bottom of the can so no one would know. Every trip to the store brought a new stash of sweets. 

Aside from being fat, there is the fact that I wasnt cute. At least not as cute as everyone else. I was the darkest in my family, I was fat, my face didnt scream pretty. My hair although thick and shoulder length much of my life was nappy. I was the girl that couldnt sweat because my natural afro hair would come through. Add that to the comparison to the other girls my age and I was settled on my ugly fatness. No boys approached me for me. They wanted to know about my cousins or sister or the girl in my class. 

So when people say you have to love yourself I cant even imagine what that feels like or looks  like. I am still trying to like myself in pieces. I am still the 'fat girl'. I still am approached about everyone but myself. When I gain the strength to look in the mirror I see nothing attractive. As I have developed a lazy eye over the years, I see even more ugliness than before. I have attempted to find the nice things about me but that doesnt last long. The hair is still shoulder length but lack of taking care of myself has left it brittle and dry. The nose seems wider than I recall. My lips once thinner have become so full and dark that I try to sick them in to make them smaller. The eyes that I once admired are old and tired looking added to the one that is always looking left.

Personality? I have none. I am not the one to go out and party. Friends? I have aquaitances. People I communicate with but we can go years without speaking. When we do, I have nothing to talk about. I wasnt a rebeling teenager nor did I have wild and crazy 20s. I have learned to joke about my deformities before other's can. It hurts less that way. Well, they cant see how much it hurts at least.

So love myself?! 40 years and I am still trying to like parts of me. I am still trying to find something that I can appreciate about myself. Maybe that's why I didnt tell people about what happened. A part of me enjoyed the attention. Someone liked me. Someone didnt think I was fat or ugly. That actually sounds very sick when I think about it. 

Anyway, in the continued effort to be more open and honest with myself and others, I put this here. It isnt to gain compliments. It is to acknowledge my feelings in a hope that one day I can express them in my day-to-day life. Hope that this is my path towards healing myself.

aperson

Failing at leadership

 

I think it is time to give up this job. I never should have taken it in the first place. I thought I was stepping out on faith and out of my comfort zone but I wasnt ready and I never should have done it. I gave it 2 years and I have been messing up more and more. At this point I dont even care anymore. 

I am stressed more and more each day and I am starting to hate coming in to work every day. I am not even putting in the effort anymore. I have cried at work more in the past 2 years than I ever had. My manager thinks I am doing fine but she is just being nice because no one wants this account. 

The longer I stay the more the little confidence I have dwindles. Those under me dont care so that must say something about my leadership abilities. Then there is the thing it does to my mental state. It is fragile enough without any extra stuff. Not accomplishing something just makes it worse. I start down a dangerous path of blaming myself and finding links to my flaws in what happened so many years ago. I start to imagine a me of this never happened or if I gathered courage to speak up then. All of that leads to a complete shut down internally. 

I keep trying to tell myself that I am doing well and these are hiccups every job has at some point. But I am not believing a word of it. I know what a bad example of a supervisor is and I see many current examples of a good supervisor. I know I am not in the good category. I know that I will have to take a drastic pay cut or move into another type of industry. The company and these people deserve better than I can provide to them.

Another goal not accomplished.

aperson

Did it really happen?

Aside from the time I spend just reliving the past and being down on myself for what happened. There is also the time I spend trying to erase doubt about what happened. Because I was young when most of it happened and the others involved were minors (teens but minors still) it has been a lingering doubt that what happened was typical exploration. Maybe, just maybe, they really meant no harm but were just trying to understand their own bodies. Maybe, just maybe, my lack of resistance implied sone 'consent'. As a minor I know I couldnt give consent really but maybe they felt I was curious as well. 

Was I curious? I mean as I got a little older. Was I curious? Have I been ashamed that I wanted what happened to take place and turned it into something else? I havent told my family and dont know if that will ever happen. So if I am, it is not because or for them. I didnt share what happened withat anyone until I was 13 and that was another child. After that it was at least 5 years before I shared it with anyone else. Is it for me? Am I ashamed that at such a young age I was even courious about it?

I was a bit more mentally mature than my parents would have liked. I knew early on that the family life I was in was not what most people were dealing with. My last name was changed to my father's just before I started school. My parents relationship was rocky from the start but it was more than just arguing. I didnt know it early on but I learned that no other kids dealt with a parent who was on drugs. I was content to play alone. I wanted friends but they were not having the life experience I was.

Admittedly, the first time it happened was most likely not curiosity on my part. But did curiosity play a part later? I mean was the first instance a catalyst to understand sex? When I think of it, I can see it. When I feel it, it does feel that way. It feels wrong. It feels like a secret. It feels like betrayal. With my logical mind I say that if it were someone else, I would question it. Being a small child, I would say the possibility exists and the person should explore the circumstances around each incident to get clarity. If that doesnt work, go with your gut. Trust yourself until evidence proves otherwise.

 

aperson

Potential trigger warning due to an unsafe situation. No violence.

 

It has always been very important to me that I feel safe. I need to feel safe in my surroundings and safe with those I talk to. Feeling unsafe causes immediate retreating in myself. With that being said, I realized that when it comes to being in a situation that feels unsafe, I have not made many strides to control it. I can say this because I was in this situation a few weeks back. I havent told anyone about it because I know what most reactions will be. Many will think I was foolish even to the point of being completely stupid and endangering myself. The situation happened when I went to the store after taking my sister to work. It was about 1130 pm and the store is less than 2 mins from my home by car, 5 mins if I were walking. There were 2 men, one about 50-60 years old and the other late 20s to early 30s. Both men I saw walking to the store as I pulled up and could immediately tell that they had been drinking. They were not fall down drunk but the smell of alcohol was intense. This is a major issue for me. The strong smell of alcohol just makes me feel uneasy. Anyway, they are right in front of me in line purchasing more alcohol and I cant wait to get away from them. The older man says 'Hey beautiful' to me. Again, feeling very uneasy and uncomfortable. They exit the store and I follow shortly afterwards. I proceed to my car which I am grateful is parked right in front of the door so I can make it safely there. I have a bad habit of unconsciously unlocking all of my doors when I get in my car. It is a horrible habit that I developed almost 18 months ago. Not sure why I began this but I do it. Anyway, the older gentleman approaches my passenger door and asks for a ride. Before I can respond with a no, he has already opened my door and is halfway in. he tells the younger one, who it turns out is his son, to get in the back. I am stunned but I do not say anything. The alcohol smell is overwhelming and now I can only pray silently that they are not going far. They are making conversation with the father telling the son to be quiet because he is the type of drunk that talks a lot and is very friendly. All I can think is I am now in a situation that could end badly for me. No one knows where I am. Everyone is asleep and my sister is at work with no vehicle. There is nothing anyone can do if this all went wrong. I pray silently for protection. I drop them off in a neighborhood not far from the storm but in the opposite direction of my home. Once they are out of the car, I can feel the panic and my body shaking. I take a few deep breaths and make it home and climb into bed and curl into a ball. This situation could have easily turned out to be something different.

What it showed me is that when it comes to being placed into an unsafe situation especially with men I have not changed at all. I still comply. I comply knowing all that I know now and knowing the world that we live in and the people that live in my area. I said nothing and did nothing. I didnt even text or make a call to someone that would be able to call for help if something went wrong. I just went along because I feared what would happen if I didnt. At first I thought that I may have purposely placed myself in this situation because I wasnt in the best place before going to the store. But I didnt feel as I normally do when I seek danger to cause harm to myself without doing it myself. This was a case of actual fear and panic that if I said no that it would make the situation worse and I just wanted to get home. So how well am I really protecting myself? When it really counts, I cannot keep myself safe. I had so many options in this situation. I could have said no and to get out of my car. I could have gotten out with my keys and went back in the store and told the store owner. I could have even called the police if they didnt get out. I did none of these things. I did what I always have done. I complied. Had this turned into a physical confrontation, I know I would have complied again. I would have never spoken a word to anyone about what happened. There would be no police involved. I would have never gone to that store again even though it is the closest to my home. I would have done the same as I did so many years ago and on too many occasions.

When I was hospitalized for threatening suicide at 13, it was the first time I told anyone a part of what happened. It was another girl, my roommate there. She told another girl who then mentioned it to me.The 2nd girl never mentioned it to any of the staff even after they came in to find out what caused the terrible screaming. The found me crying and rocking in a corner. They walked me out to a padded room for fear I would become violent. On my way out the room I saw the first girl and she seemed to be smiling as if she was proud of herself. While I sat in that padded room for 30 mins rocking and crying I realized that people are not safe either. I vowed that I would never ever let them see me that way again. The staff came to get me out and took me aside to see if I would talk about what happened and why I was screaming. I told them I was fine and there was nothing to worry about. I am sure they didnt buy it but there was no way I was ever going to tell them because they were not safe people. Although the staff told my psychiatrist at the time, I again refused to speak about it. She would surely tell my parents and I would be stuck in this place with these backstabbing people for longer plus having to deal with my family. They would never let me out if that happened. 

This saddens me a great deal. I felt like if I was in trouble, that I would tell someone immediately. i would find the person I trust enough who can walk through the process with me. i would do things very different than before. I have slowly begun to feel safer with a few people.But that was all me living in a fantasy world. It was an illusion. I couldnt even prevent them from getting in my car. There is no way that I would have said anything if things had been worse. So now what do I do? What can I do? The only option I can see is to remain in my home unless I am with someone else. To not engage in any outside activity because home is the place I feel the safest. I can turn on the alarm and bring the dog in. I can keep a weapon near me if something were to happen. Aside from these posts, I have stopped most conversations about what happened. Right now it is down to one person and that is to keep me from doing harm to myself. Where I was starting to feel some safety, I feel like all of that has taken 2 steps back. I will never feel safe. The triggers have been more intense since this last incident. I am hoping to keep this detail up because this doesnt feel safe which makes the title of the blog a lie. How do you let someone behind your wall when you only feel safe because the wall keeps others at a distance.

aperson

So I skipped work today. Mentally, I just couldnt do it today. Mentally, I was worlds away from the work stuff. When it gets to this point, work is not an escape. It is another thing I am required to do that I just dont want to do. I give less and less to it until I break. Today was the breaking. It also was not enough.

TRIGGER WARNING

Daily I get these images of what happened. It plays mostly as 5 second clips. I feel the touches. I see my face and theirs. I see a monster in them even though it didnt play out that way most of the time. I. Feel. Everything. I smell everything. I smell the room and them. I hear them breathing, grunting, moaning. Sometimes they were inside of me. Other times it was grinding. I guess I should be grateful that they waited until I was 8 before they actually inserted themselves in me. It is a never-ending movie. I learned it was easier not to resist or pull myself away. Not because it got worse but because they were stronger and it was pointless to fight it. I know someone saw at one point. I know they did. I remember on a few occassions someone came in at the end. They all talked at me as if I was the one in the wrong without actually saying I am in the wrong. It's like questioning what I am doing but never doing anything the next day when it happened again. How do they do these things and claim they care about oyu or love you? Do they not understand what that does to a person? It has a huge affect on them especially when they are that young. Things become so blurred and confusing. I ask this of them but the fact is I should be asking myself the same questions. I wasnt as old as they were but I blurred those lines for someone else. I caused confusion for them.

I wish I could block out that part of my life. If I blocked it out maybe I would have been somewhat a normal person. I wouldnt feel so ashamed of the person I see when I look in the mirror. I wouldnt be ashamed of the person that looks back at me from the images in my head. I wouldnt feel like dirt daily and find ways to make sure every one else sees me that way as well. I wish I had understood better what this meant as I got older. How terrible holding on to such things would damage me longer than I have actually been alive. I spend so much time being the perfect person everyone else thinks I am. The only thing I perfected is my ability to shut everyone else out. I perfected my silence. Not only am I silent about me to others but even to myself most days. 

END TRIGGER

Someone told me I went about this process the wrong way. They told me that I should have taken much smaller steps and worked my way up to talking about this part of me. I wish they would have told me. They didnt hand me a book about the process to heal. No one told me that I was so emotionally stunted that I should have just learned to talk about me first. Now it is too late. I opened the door and the floodgates opened as well. Where I was able to push past the negative feelings and thoughts, now I just try to make it through daily intervals. Just make it through the next 15 mins. Just make it through the end of the work day. Just make it until everyone is asleep. It is like bargaining with my head every day. If you make it through the next 30 mins then I will give you an hour before bed. Before you know it, I have negotiated my way into an all night trigger session. Then it is just me. Everyone else is blocked out. Everything else is blocked out. I am alone in my head with my thoughts. I just feel sick. Sickened by what they did and what it has done to me.

aperson

Does it define me?

How do you heal from something you are unable to express? I started in this group hoping that being a faceless name on a screen would give me the safety I needed to express myself. I had hoped it would allow me to freely say what I had been holding on to for so long. It would reduce the depression and suicidal thoughts that haunt me. I thought I would finally lift the mask of happiness to reveal real happiness but it hasnt. I had hope. Nearly 10 years later and I still feel like I am wearing the mask. Even more so than I had before. 

I was on here and reading post thinking how easily others can put words to their experience. How well they openly talked about those experiences and the steps they were taking to move forward. I thought how brave, strong and resilient are they? I want to be that one day. Every day I would try to be just that. Every day I failed. Thoughts came but they didnt make it past my head. I couldnt put those thoughts or feelings into words. I couldnt get past the fear that whatever I put someone, everyone, would read it and laugh or think how dumb is this person. They dont belong here. 9 years and I still believe these thongs.

I spend 30 mins trying to pour out the anger, sadness, hurt and shame. Nothing. I try just starting with what happened. Nothing. So I am thinking that after all this time, the fight to not allow a trauma past to define me has been lost. It does define me and more than just lack of trust and being cautious. It defines every thought I have. It defines my sleep. It defines who I am as a daughter, sister, aunt and friends. It defines the words I use. It defines my dress. It defines every part of who I am as a person.

I do not have the tools to let it not. I dont want it to. The life I am living is filled with distrust of the world around me. My decisions always lead to being based on the images of a young girl or a teenager who is still living with a secret. I feel as if I will always be alone on dealing with the trauma. The sleepless nights will be who I am.

So now what? What can I do when nothing can be expressed? How do I move forward and enjoy the last half of my life with these feelings piling up? How do I let it not define the 2nd half of my life?  It's not easy and I fear that no matter how hard I try, I will continue to fail. 

aperson

Triggers

Sometimes I forget the many triggers that I have. Storms, kids, food color and textures, smells, touch, emotions. Today's is storms. I generally make it through the others with minor aches and pain. Storms is the one that breeds instant anxiety. I dont even understand why. It has been an issue for as far as I can remember. As a child I can remember curling up in a ball at the thunder and lightning. Even in college, I would seek a quiet room with no windows. Someone would come sit with me seeing the terror on my face.

The strange thing is, I dont recall any time it happened during a storm or even rain. I may not remember what happened 20 mins ago but I do recall 95% of those times. Maybe it is part of the 5%. I have never been able to figure this trigger out. It is the 2nd biggest one. It is one I cannot escape. Storms happen. Without a sound-proof, windowless room, I must experience this one no matter how big or small, day or night. Storms can take me to a place I dont want to be. Reliving a life I want to forget with every fiber of my being. Storms invoke a child-like fear. 

So here I am, waiting for a storm that may or may not happen. Trying to breathe through the anxiety from anticipation and probably making it all worse. Feeling out of control. Dreading every flash of light, every loud noise. Counting the seconds between flashes and the thunder. 1, 2, 3, 4....Boom! Feeling safer when the numbers get larger and the flashes almost a distant memory. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...Boom! Allowing myself to breathe normal again. Shaking that feels like it starts deep inside lessens. The heartbeat returning to normal. Feeling like I am once again in the presence and apart of this world.

Triggers. I would like to like without them. Most days I just want to feel like I have a handle on them. Right now I am just trying to get to the end of this one.

 

aperson

Adventures in babysitting

So my sister and I  volunteered to keep my younger cousins. They are 2 and 3. Great age because they are mostly potty trained, talking and cute-ish. The following happened after dinner. No children, adults or feelings were.

2yrold Z is walking from bathroom holding her shirt. No pants. No underwear. 'I poo' she says.  No big deal. 'Go get your bag' I say. Then she bends over and has a big glob of poop in her butt. My sister is laughing uncontrollably. 'Z go to the bathroom'. She goes to the bathroom so I go to follow. I take 2 steps around the couch and BOOM! A big fat glob of poop on the floor. My sister now has lost it. She is laughing so hard she cant talk. Z is looking at us like what y'all laughing at?

I cant even move past the poo on the floor. The child is 10ft away but I cant get it. I am laughing but I am thinking who is picking this shit up. So what do I do? Video call the mama. Hell I gotta see this so should she. The mama sees the child and the poo and cracks up laughing. 'Come get your child. What is this shit!' Camera on Z. 'Mama I poo' She is proud I think lol. 20 mins we laugh and I try to get anyone else but me to get this. They are not having it. Traitors.

Child clean. Floor clean. We settle down. Try getting ready for bed. 3yr old is insistent that her clothes are sleep clothes. 20 mins later my sister says K is your underwear wet? Did you pee? 'No.' Upon closer inspection the wetness is, yep. Poo. What the hell!?  2 yr old: K poo? Me: Yes 2yr old: Ewwwwww What? The nerve of her. And she is serious too.

I cannot with these 2 tonight. How many days until Sunday? 😂😂😂

aperson

Happy Thoughts

It is a cool 70 outside. A great break from the hot, sticky, cant breathe heat. 

A yarn stash. I am working towards a full room. Organized and full of every yarn possible.

Crochet. My saving grace many days. Best thing YouTube taught me.

Logan the dog. The 5 month old lab. The biter. Really nibnling cuz he is still a pup and just being playful.

When I finally took some time off work and dropped my niece at school. Our routine is to say have a good day to each other. She say hope you have a bad day staying home. Doing nothing. Lol She just mad I can go back to bed.

Quietness. There was a time that arguing and tension was a daily thing. Thank god thats over.

My night owl award. Because people at work think I dont sleep at all. I still need a frame for it. 😊

Facebook because it is pure entertainment most days.

Singing off-key at the top of my lungs with the windows down. Who cares I cant carry a tune to save my life.

A beautiful night sky. Moon shining bright and stars as far as you can see.

Fall. No more yard work!!

 

aperson

Staying centered

I dont really know what to do with this. Maybe it should be a free writing excercise. Let the thoughts flow as they come. So, take 1.

The last couple of months has been a blur. My grandmother is resting peacefully. I hope she is proud of who I am becoming. It is still a process for my dad. He and my sister have moments that they still grieve visibly. It is difficult for them to talk about her or see her pictures. I find her picture comforting in a way especially when I see her with her great-grandkids. It makes me happy to know they got to experience her in a small way. For them to know where she came from and what is possible. For her to see her legacy.

Work is my escape when I get into it. Once I start I just keep going. I know it's not healthy but it keeps me focused on something else. It is very easy to work a 12 hour day or work late at night into the early morning. I already sleep a few hours a night so I am not missung sleep I would have gotten. My account team is in the UK and think I have lost my mind. Little do they know I probably have just a little.

I have been having my moments of flashbacks. Moments where I can only see the past. I can only feel what I felt then. Moments where even the thought of assault is a trigger. Those are the sensitive moments. The moments where I recognize my whole body movements have changed. My attitude becomes more angry. My body is reserved. I am more sensitive to maintaining my bubble. Keeping my 3ft buffer against any type of touch or getting to close.

It's hard knowing they live their lives quite comfortably. They are content and successful. They have no long-lasting trauma. No damage. It's like it never happened. Like these are normal life experiences and you just move on. But I cant just move on. I am stuck there. In that moment. I am constantly analyzing what I could have done 'better'. 

It's not hard keeping this to myself. I have sheltered myself so well that I am afraid I have done it too well. So well that it is 2nd nature now. So well that I dont even know what I feel anymore. I can no longer put words to feelings. I am not sure if I am feeling anymore. Much of the time it is just numbness. There's no joy or sadness. There is just making it through a day. 

Thats what has become hard. I may not have expressed the feelings but I knew what they were. I knew they existed. Now, I am not sure they exist. Putting words to a bad day or multiple days is harder. Explaining why it is a bad day is harder. Finding words to just express myself is harder. I am censoring myself constantly. Not expressing satisfaction or dissatisfaction and not certain I having an opinion towards either in many situations.

The other issue is still an issue. Not well managed either. I cant wait til colder weather is here. People dont really understand that battle. It doesnt make sense to them. They dont get how it is possible to be damaged on the other end of the spectrum. They also cant acknowledge that they know something is wrong. I dont want them to but it would take away some awkwardness. I would probably never show my face to them again but at least then I can stop wondering how bad of a person they see me as.

aperson

Out of Patience

I am giving fair warning to everyone. I. Am. Out. Of. Patience. I have none. Dont try to fool me. My mouth is bad today. If I sad it offensively. You can be damn sure I meant that way. And yes I will repeat it as many times as you need. It wont be any prettier. Just leave me the hell alone. 

aperson

She is gone.

This morning, while we sat with our grandma, she took her last breath. I made one of the hardest calls I have made so far in life. I called my dad to tell him she was gone. But he knew before I could get the words out. At 0623, she left us. She  went peacefully and without pain. 

Before he got there, I straightened her clothes and cleaned her face. I told her that we would all be ok. I know she is in heaven now one of my new guardian angels. When my dad came I stayed near by in case he needed me. He said his goodbye and said she is exactly where she wants to be now. He smiled. He thanked us for staying. We sat and held her hand until the funeral home came. I remember how warm she felt when I first checked for her pulse. I thought she would start breathing again. By the time they came, she was turning cold. There was no doubt that she wasnt there any more.

So now the task begins. My brother is on the road as a truck driver and we are praying he makes it home in time. I am ok for now. The day of her services will be the hardest. It always is. That is when it really clicks that it is done. Earlier today, my sister and I had the same thought, lets go see gramdma later. Then we had the next thought of we cant. I made sure to get the blanket I crocheted for her. They cant find the other one.

aperson

Missing her already

Today is a sad sobering day. My grandmother is at the end of her days. I have known this day would come. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself. She had a great life. Even on her last 'aware' day she was smiling and laughing. Then she just stopped. She is a God-fearing woman. She is my country grandma. She lived a full life without all the modern conveniences. She had TV but only watched the news. She spent her time gardening and loving those around her. She may not have given you the shirt off her back but she gave you your choice of the ones in her closet. She taught me to sew, to bake, to make popcorn on the stove. No need for a microwave. She loved everyone she came in contact with and you couldn't help but to love her back.

Now I am sitting with her, waiting until she takes her final breath and holding my own. The nurses say she has all the tell tell signs. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on her. The vibrant woman I knew is no longer there. I wonder what she is seeing. Does she see her husband or her daughter or her siblings? Can she see the heaven she has worked so hard to get in to? Can she hear me when I talk to her? When I tell her we will take care of her sons? When I tell her she now has to watch over us from her spiritual body? Does she know that I am grateful for every day I got to spend with her, even when she didn't know who I was?

My father is having a very hard time. He is the baby. Her baby boy. He is proud to be that. He can't see her this way. A lifetime of love. A lifetime of troubles and joy. She didn't get to really see him doing his best. Her dementia was already present. I will do my best to be there for him as his daughter. I am hoping I can be there for him. I may not agree with him or his methods but he is my father. I can only imagine the pain he feels is the pain I will feel when he leaves this earth.

My grandmother is the one person I believe who loves me with no strings attached. She didn't expect anything from me but love. She didn't do for me so I would do for her. She would have rather done it herself lol. I call her mama because that is what she has been in my life. I didn't always understand as a child. She baked our birthday cakes every year. They were not glamorous or fancy. They were special because she made them. 

So here I will sit for as long as I can. For as long as she needs. I will hold her hand. I will stroke her face. I will clean her mouth and be sure she is comfortable because she would do all of that for me. I only wish I had learned to appreciate her sooner so I could have told her when she could understand.

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