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Entries in this blog

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This grieving thing is way harder than I imagined it would be. It is harder than other people portrayed it to be. I have had other deaths before, grandmothers, aunts, cousins but I have never experienced grief in this manner. I have never felt the grief that comes with the loss of a parent. When I thought it would happen was another 15-20 years from now. Time enough that I could say that she enjoyed her life and got to have a long life. Instead, she was gone before she could even get to old age.

aperson

aperson in Life

It feels like it will always hurt

I keep trying to deal with her death and it is a struggle. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago to yry and prevent some severe depression. I have had 2 sessions and I cant say it is helping or not. The time until her services was horrible including the day she passed. The time sense is a fog. I spend much of my day trying to ignore that she isnt here any more. The rest is spent thinking of her. My home phone we never use so I havent checked the voicemail in years. I was going through it

aperson

aperson in Life

What I Accomplished Today

Because a really great friend sent me something to lift my spirits today and it helped, I think I should list the positives for the day (no matter how small) I laughed today - I genuinely laughed and smiled. I dont even remember what for (probably a silly TikTok) but I did it and that is what matters. No tears today -  It hurts and I miss her still but I didnt cry and that is ok. It doesnt mean I dont miss her any more or less than the day before or that I have forgotten her. I wa

aperson

aperson in Life

Erasing her from the world

Her husband seems to want to erase her from his life quickly. I just dont understand it. I know everyone grieves in their own way but he seems to want to erase every trace of her after her services. I am trying to hold on to every memory I can. Most of the time I am trying to keep her alive. Her things, I want them. Her pictures, I want them. Her things, I want them as she left them. At least let me accept that she is gone first.  So Sunday I am going to pack up her things. I am going to pa

aperson

aperson in Life

Struggling

I hate to admit it but i am struggling. The days between my mom's death and burial of her ashes were manageable.  There was something to do each day. Now that is done, I find it harder to cope. I feel like I failed her on the last thing she asked of me. Daily I think of reasons to call her and each time is followed by she cant answer. I wanted to call her to share that her first great grandchild was born but I couldnt. He was born the night of her viewing. 12 hours before we were to put her ashe

aperson

aperson in Life

Grieving and Family....

I have 4 days until my mother's services and every day is like a rollercoaster. It doesnt take but a small thing to send me ready to cry like a big baby. I know that grief is a process but I dont know that I fully expected this. The closer it gets the more irritated and annoyed I get by just about everyone and every thing. Sad part is i feel like I am in a battle between supporting her husband and her siblings on what they want/expect. They are not that fond of him because he doesnt really toler

aperson

aperson in Life

This is all so unreal

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEATH/GRIEF     My mother is gone and it is so hard to believe that right now. She went peacefully with her kids and husband by her side. We held on to the hope that additional treatment would give her time to heal her body but when we saw her in person, we realized that the only thing that was keeping her here were the machines that were breathing for her. I have so many conflicting emotions about that and a lot of guilt about how I handled the situation from

aperson

aperson in Life

She isnt gone but this feels like grief

My mama is still in the hospital in serious condition on the ventilator. Some days are good and others seem like just one more thing going wrong. The pneumonia is still present but slowly declining. Then there are the other things like fluctuating blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugar. Then there is the monitoring of her kidneys which are also declining. She has been on a ventilator  for 8 days now. These are the most nerve wracking 8 days ever.  I havent heard her voice in 11 days. We

aperson

aperson in Life

The past 2 weeks...whew...never want to do that again

I have been trying to make a post for almost a week about where I am mentally and emotionally at this point and I just haven't been successful. So maybe I start from the last entry and see where this goes..... I have been taking on the care for my mom since Feb. She wasnt incapable of caring for herself but she definitely needed assistance. The last stroke affected her mentally and physically more than before. She needed assistance to walk and comb her hair. She wasnt capable of fixing a fu

aperson

aperson in Life

Caregiving isnt just physical health...

I thought being a caregiver for my mom after 2 strokes, a seizure and watching her diabetes would be simple. I take care of her needs and get her to her appointments and make sure she takes her meds and gets her home health physical and occupational therapy done. I watch for signs of her diabetes acting up and signs of another stroke. It's hard but simple, right? What I didn't expect is theneedto handle her mental health. I mean, I barely know how to manage my own mental health, how do I ma

aperson

aperson in Life

Just scared

My mother has had another stroke/TIA. They are not sure why. She now has a pronounced limp with her left leg. And at this point I will probably need to move in with her so she has care while her husband is working. At this point I am just scared. If they dont know the cause, how many more episodes will she have before a major stroke? Just terrified and no one else can know. 

aperson

aperson in Life

Just need to let it out some way

So this is one of those times that I really wish I was completely different type of person. Instead of sheltering everything inside, I wish I let everything out. Well at least most things. Right now I feel anxiety swelling up but there is no one to reach out to. I shelter so much of myself that I have shut the world out and people I have known for years. Now there is no one to reach out to and say I need a safer space. No one to reach out to and say I am not ok. No one to reach out to and s

aperson

aperson in Life

Sleep panic attacks?!

I didnt know you have panic attacks and remain sleep. What the heck is that?  So here I am sleeping what I thought was peacefully. I am in a dream. For some reason I have left home and taken in by another family.  The are kind and have kids already of their own. I asked the mother a questiin that at this moment I cant think of. The answer given was one that suggested that was not my real question. I am confused like yes it's what I want to know. The mother says to call her back when I am no

aperson

aperson in The process

What I didnt know is it takes a lifetime

When I heard about people healing from trauma, they made it sound like a journey with an end. You reflected and learned and grew as a person. You learned forgiveness and healthier habits. What they didnt say or I never heard, is that healing is ongoing. It begins from the moment the trauma ends until the day you die.  I never heard them say that even when you think you have made it past the large hurdles, hurdles pop up all the time. Sometimes they are small. They show in the form of brief

aperson

aperson in The process

Why does he keep trying to friend me?

I blocked him years ago. So why is he on a new page trying again? We havent talked or seen each other in over 10 years. Nothing has changed. I dont want to see him in person or virtually!! I dont ask about him and I will never ask about him!! The only thoughts I have about him are about what he did to me. Family or not, I dont need or want him in life! Stay in the shadows you sick m*****f*****!!! I am blocking your a** again! Leave me alone! I hate the fact that we are even related and I am clos

aperson

aperson in Venting

The non fight or flight response

So I have been trying to write this for a few days now. I dont know if it is fully shame or shame and embarrassment but I dont get to far. It starts off as a rambling mess of excuses and apologies to anyone who may read it. And here I am again going down that path. Maybe I should just start somewhere.  I have struggled a long time regarding consent and non-consent in my past. While I understand the very young me couldnt provide either the older me could. The problem is I didnt. I have never

aperson

aperson

Help

Asking for help is so freaking hard. I mean the little things are easy. Can you help me move this table? Can you open this jar? But the big things...whew. Can you help me understand why this happened to me? Can you help me express myself feelings in less harmful ways? Even at work I find asking for help at certain levels is difficult. Again, the small tasks are no sweat. But if I feel like the expectation is I should be able to do it then the asking for help is harder. This isnt something n

aperson

aperson

7am thoughts

So I stopped writing because I felt I wasnt writing anything new. Just repeating the same old same old. The problem is my mind didnt stop thinking the same old stuff. It still thinks and functions like the thought is new. I am losing at this battle. I have turned further inward. I am cutting people out. I am losing trust and faith and hope. I didnt have a lot of any to start with so losing a drop of any is something I cant afford. I cant/wont speak/write about it. I just want to cry them aw

aperson

aperson

Healing, what would it be

What does healing look like for me? I ask myself this question often and the answer is pretty much the same. I just want to be content. Happiness seems like a goal of perfection. I want it but I know it isnt really possible. So I settle for what is possible. I dont think that is asking too much. Like I just want to be sure that I learn and grow from the past. What does healing look like? It means I sleep like a normal person. Bed at a decent hour and up at a decent hour. Most importantly, I

aperson

aperson

Just want to be good

I really just want to be a good person. Be a good sister, daughter, aunt friend and worker. I just want to help others. But you cant do that when you need help yourself. But that's what I want. I want to be normal with feelings. I want to be able to relate to others in a genuine way. That's what they took. My ability to be any of those things. My belief that I will ever be any of those thing. Nothing will ever be the same. Even after all these years, I am still grieve the loss of the future

aperson

aperson

Sorry

I am broken. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with that fact. Being broken and trying to grow is pointless. I cant grow because I will always be broken. I cant move on because I am broken. I dont like these feelings. I dont want these feelings. I am sorry that I have these feelings and cant move past them. I am sorry that I learned to protect myself too late. I am sorry I am not brave. I am sorry I brought shame to myself and my family. I am sorry that I allow this to affect people I c

aperson

aperson

Close to the edge

I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point and there is no one I can turn to. I am being swallowed by the pain. There are storms building up inside and they will merge into one soon. I just dont know that I can stop what is coming.  This pain is so unbearable. Living with the hurt and shame is unbearable. I just want to not feel this bad so much. I want to stop remembering and feeling. They haunt me. They taunt me by living life like I didnt exist. Enjoying their days and building m

aperson

aperson

11 yrs and no progress

You know, I started this journey because I needed to make an effort to deal with my past. But I am no better off than when I started 11 years ago. I thought I would eventually be able to say the words. That I would learn the skills to deal with this in a healthy manner. But I fear I am in the same position. I am still holding on to it and holding back from others. Just when I believe I am making progress, something happens and I realize I am not. I still push away everyone. I stop calling.

aperson

aperson

Lost and Confused

A bit of honesty? A bit of truth? The fact is I am terribly lost in this huge world. I am surrounded by people but still totally lost. I keep trying to follow the rules but the rules keep changing. I keep trying to make a path to a happy life. There are all these...detours. And they can bring so much pain and hurt. They change the the path you were on. I want so bad to be free from this 'thing' that happened. Some days it doesnt even feel like it happened to me. Like that isnt possible

aperson

aperson

Children...the tactless truth-tellers

My 11 yr old niece is taking a master class in this I believe. Example, I am person who is allergic to bug bites. I have been my entire life. When most people get a bug bite, it is a nuisance. They itch a while and move on. Bugs seem to be attracted to me though. They bite and invite their friends and I itch for weeks and blister. This means that I end up with horrible scars at times. I currently have terrible scarring on my ankles from flea bites over 2 years ago. They itch daily. My ankles are

aperson

aperson

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