How do you heal from something you are unable to express? I started in this group hoping that being a faceless name on a screen would give me the safety I needed to express myself. I had hoped it would allow me to freely say what I had been holding on to for so long. It would reduce the depression and suicidal thoughts that haunt me. I thought I would finally lift the mask of happiness to reveal real happiness but it hasnt. I had hope. Nearly 10 years later and I still feel like I am wearing the mask. Even more so than I had before.
I was on here and reading post thinking how easily others can put words to their experience. How well they openly talked about those experiences and the steps they were taking to move forward. I thought how brave, strong and resilient are they? I want to be that one day. Every day I would try to be just that. Every day I failed. Thoughts came but they didnt make it past my head. I couldnt put those thoughts or feelings into words. I couldnt get past the fear that whatever I put someone, everyone, would read it and laugh or think how dumb is this person. They dont belong here. 9 years and I still believe these thongs.
I spend 30 mins trying to pour out the anger, sadness, hurt and shame. Nothing. I try just starting with what happened. Nothing. So I am thinking that after all this time, the fight to not allow a trauma past to define me has been lost. It does define me and more than just lack of trust and being cautious. It defines every thought I have. It defines my sleep. It defines who I am as a daughter, sister, aunt and friends. It defines the words I use. It defines my dress. It defines every part of who I am as a person.
I do not have the tools to let it not. I dont want it to. The life I am living is filled with distrust of the world around me. My decisions always lead to being based on the images of a young girl or a teenager who is still living with a secret. I feel as if I will always be alone on dealing with the trauma. The sleepless nights will be who I am.
So now what? What can I do when nothing can be expressed? How do I move forward and enjoy the last half of my life with these feelings piling up? How do I let it not define the 2nd half of my life? It's not easy and I fear that no matter how hard I try, I will continue to fail.