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318 days and it doesnt seem any easier


aperson

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It has been 318 days since she passed and I cant say that it has gotten easier to handle. Every turn seems to be some event that she isnt hear for that just sends my mind into a tailspin and further into depression. Just as i think I am starting to heal and accept it, something happens. Those first 5 months were horrible. I lost a lot of sleep and I was just in a fog trying to get through each day. Then it seemed to get to where I could sleep but each monthly anniversary would send me into at least a week of depression. Then came the holidays which I dont know if I survived really or I just pushed every possible emption down so i could make sure everyone else enjoyed the day.

I thought having a prject to do would help so I started working on the craft room I so desparately wanted for years now. I painted that room by myself for weeks. I got some storage going and started planning out the space. Then My sister said, we need to frame her picture. I broke down around the holidays and finally did it. I had hoped that it would make me feel better but it didnt. i havent lookd at that picture since her services. it sat in the craft room hidden behind a large mirror becuse looking at it was too painful. How I even got it to the store to be framed is a mystery. I carried it with so much care and talked to it about how it would be sitting in the car and made sure she was facing outside but I still never looked at it. We got it framed and brought it home. it is not in it's permanent spot but it cant just be hidden either. I havent been back in that craft room except to look for something since. My sister and her boyfriend have really taken it over as a craft room for her and a computer room for him.

IHer pictures are every where it seems. Sociual media, phones, randomly around the house. I just stop looking in those spaces unless I have to. I have avoided people and places becuse I dont want to run into anyone she knows and they ask about her and I have to say the words that I dred. Those words cut deep. But her not being here put aside for a long while those other thoughts that would eat at me daily. I replaced one traumatic event with another and I was ok with it because this event was acceptable. But now it has been almost a year and the 2 events are feeding off each other. One event cant seem to exist without the other and what had been a passing thought is now very much active again and I am not sure some days whether I am coming or going.

I started seeing a therapist very early on to help with the grief process. Set up the first appointment before we even had her services because I know how I can be. It has been nearly a year for that as well and although I have shared somethings, I am still holding back. i am almost certain my therapist would like to take my shoulders and shake me to try and knock some sense in me. She sighs at me each session. i am sure she is not certain where I fit in the plan of treatment. I always think she is 1 session from either dropping me as a client or having me placed on an involuntary hold somewhere. So to avoid it I dont say certain things or I wear a mask to hid everything else I am feeling. I have started not sleeping again recently and I know it is because I am holding back for fear that I will be rejected for the thoughts I do have. 

I have avoided telling her when i have thoughts of unaliving myself or when I do things that may put me in physical danger because she seems too concerned. If that is what you want to call it. I only tell her when the thought has passed for sure and I no longer feel that way. I guess that kind of defeats the purpose a bit. People look at you very differenty when you say those things even if you dont feel that way at that very moment.

But today is a therapy day. I an extremely anxious about it and I dont really now how to say anything that I have been feeling over the last week or so. I have been trying to cry but no tears seem to come. I tried to distract myself but since I cant go into the craft room there are are crafts I cant do. Watching movies seems to make things a bit worse. I keep picking the wrong moview. It seems innocent enough and then BOOM....trigger. So now all of my hard work concentrating on the movie is null and void. I have been trying to now stay with things I have already watched before so i know when the trigger may come or that there isnt any trigger at all. Funny thing is there are things that didnt trigger me that all of a sudden do. Any parental relationship, good or bad is a trigger. Cheating spouse? Trigger. Serious illness? Trigger. Recovering from a serious illness? Trigger. Trying to 'find yourself'? Trigger. Not finding yourself? Trigger. Sexual encounters are always a trigger. I hate that one with a passion. Family reuniting after some argument? Trigger. EVERY. THING. IS. A. TRIGGER.

I am sitting here at work right now and all I can think if how nice it would be if I could just lay down and sleep until therapy today. Yeah, i know. it's depression and getting worse daily. People tend to tell me when i say i am having such a difficult time processing that may be I am just not ready because the fear doesnt outwiegh the need for healing. Then I saw no and push through the fear to try and participate but I have a limit before I shut down. then they say that is the uncomfortable pain that i I have been avoiding and I should keep trying.  I am confused about which I should be doing. Do i keep trying because it is supposed to feel this painful to get to the other side or do i stop because I am not ready? And what does ready look like? All I know is that I stay in constant battle internally. I go to therapy because I want to feel better but feel so fearful that I close up and then it just hurts. Then i say i am not ready to myself but have to try and remember that there is never a 'ready time'. but if there is no ready time then how do I know that i am ready even when it hurts so bad? It is chaos and madness.

I wrote this hoping that it would help ease the battle in my head for the last several months. It hasnt. My stomach is churning still. My anxiety is still very high. I still feel like there is soemthing not being said for fear it will cause an issue.

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