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My inner childs first try at a blog

This part of Maya is 5. She holds a lot of confusion and feelings. I’m angry with 5 year old maya for not stopping him. Bad I know but I can’t help it. I’m so angry with her, which is awful. Perhaps 5 year old maya will feel better one day.   She’s on her therapists couch still eating sweets and in emergency foster care. She thinks daddy will come but he won’t because T has locked the door. She’s in pain, and not ready to talk yet. She feels a little mute.    what would she say? ‘I

Good Day In Therapy

Hey, it's Allen. Today, we had therapy. I was super nervous about going, because we needed to tell her that what we were doing wasn't working. Turns out, we have a very good therapist! She completely rolled with it and with our ideas as if she'd made the plan herself. We even added something! I might have tagged it wrong, because I can't remember if this is CBT or DBT, but I think it's gonna be useful! I'm gonna attach the chart, but basically, you look at a situation. It can be comfor


Tiashe in Therapy

How we discovered it

Hey again, it's Allen. This is something that... is such a topic. There seems to be so much debate over recovered memories, but anyone who has recovered memories knows how real this is. I wanted to talk about our journey to discovery, though I admittedly don't remember a lot about it. (such are dissociative disorders I guess) From here, there will be some graphic details of intrusive memories and CSA, so please click away if you're not in a place to read that. It all started in mi


Tiashe in Our Trauma Journey


So.... I thought maybe using this blog as a safe space to share our experiences might help us. This is our first psot, so it's just going to be an intro and maybe some rambling. We're the Cosmos System, a mentally and physically disabled system who... well, we haven't figured out if we're DID or OSDD, but we're somewhere in there. There are over 80 of us, so it can be a bit chaotic, but I'm really glad we're all here and that I can be with everyone. Welve been on T for five years, but not a


Tiashe in About Us


My last T session.  At least with my current T.  And I'm properly going to miss her.  She was amazing.   Today, today was sort of funny in a way.  Really really sad, loads of serious stuff, but also funny.  We were talking about my mum and the abuse, the violence, the lack of care, and also the love she showed - the Jekyll and Hyde character and she asked what it was I'd want to say to her if she were sat there now (she's long passed away).  My answer was quite simple, it was just 'Why?'. 

Depression - a slam poem

The darkness left for so long that I almost forgot it held a permanent residence in my body. The time I spent floating on clouds and singing songs was so tangible in my fingertips that I let myself believe the eviction took place and sunshine filled the corners you loved most. Holding hands and conversations so close to my heart while completely oblivious to your return date left me weightless and almost hopeful that normality could become familiar to me for the first time. Tossing bits and


Poppy_ in Slam Poetry

Just trying to keep moving forward

I have been in a funk of sorts for years now. It's the type of funk that you know you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tomorrow you hope for a better day. But it seems every side of the bed is the wrong side. There are days when I can manage the funk very well. I function at work and participate with family. Then there are the days that I cant really get past it. I cannot say that there is one thing or one emtion. I am just sad and depressed.  I have tried pinpointing what it is but I


aperson in Life


Last week was a really positive week in therapy.  We talked about how the university group are going to put a post out following me contacting them, and for the first time in my life I actually felt genuinely happy.  There were proper tears or happiness, which I didn't even know were a real thing.  And it totally amazes me that that happiness could come out of such tragedy. This week, we ended up spending most of the session talking about my sister who is really low at the moment and I've n

I think they went too easy on him

Basically 3 big things have happened while I've been not documenting this journey over the past few months.  1) Apparently I did tell my maternal aunt that my brother was abusing me when I was around 11 or 12.  She knew the whole time and didn't bring it up with anyone.  I didn't remember telling her all this time.  LAME.  2) I confronted my parents.  They said they didn't remember me telling them about my bro when I was younger.  My mom made some excuses for my brother  like "boys do


Today at T we first spoke reflected on last week and I said that I do still feel shame, but that I yoyo somewhat when it comes to feeling like I'm to blame.  Then I told her that I had contacted a group at the university I'm attending that education people (students) around the issues or sexual health and consent.  So I have emailed them to say that I'd like to make people aware in one of their campaigns that an orgasm is not consent.  It is just a reaction to stimuli.  She asked me how I felt a

Life is lifing

Every since I realized that I was having a medical issue, I have had a greater fear of not waking up one day. The diagnosis and treatment were suppose to alleviate this fear. Medical tests showing that my heart is healing and me taking my medications daily should help alleviate that fear. But none of that does many nights over the last 5 months. I have tried to wave that fear off. There is no reason that I should have it currently. Ironically, if you had picked any other day from as far as I cou


aperson in Life


At T today we started by talking about Uni.  My head was/is really only focussed on that because I start next week, and a number of things have thrown it somewhat in to disarray.  One of the things is that it seems that most of my lectures are at the hospital, not the university itself. And I require transport supplied by DSA (the government) which a needs assessor has to do a quote for and apply for.  So I needed to knoow well in advance that I was going to be at the hospital, not the universit


So at T today we talked about a few things.  We revisited the bullies from the pub and how I'm dealing with that scenario.  Which is basically to sit with other people.  We then talked about a flashback I'd had this week.  I'd been having a memory of the oral rape, and of gagging and not being able to breathe.  We talked about my feelings during that moment, fear, disgust.  Then the conversation turned to my feelings around touch and where the anxiety comes from.  I identified that I think it st


Feel really deflated today.  Don't know if that's T or if that's because my sister has said she may be moving back up North.  I think it's a bad idea, but I don't think I'm going to talk her out of it.  She has it set in her head that this friend of theirs is the miracle answer to their prayers when it comes to her daughters mental health problems, or at least she will help considerably.  And I just don't think that's the case.  I think they's both clutching on to 'the grass is greener on the ot


Today's T was really hard.  I somehow managed to pluck up the courage to speak to her about my thoughts when I masterbate - that the things that arouse me are all violent / assaults.  It made me want to throw up just talking about it.  But she didn't judge me which was nice.  She pointed out that almost all of my sexual experience has been from abusive situations - so this is my point of reference.  This made me want to cry.  I guess I've never really heard someone tell me that actually I've bee

The Destruction that is Me - a slam poem

I’ve done it again. I hate that my brain likes to play games with me as if I were a child desperate for a game of Hide and Seek. The way my mind melts with my emotions the way a lit candle rids itself of wax that runs everywhere creating a mess contained only by the surface the candle is placed on. Sometimes my brain tells me things and I believe it because I have always been so naïve that even the whisper of ‘I love you’ is enough to take over my body and give the power to someone undeserv


Poppy_ in Slam Poetry

What do I need??

As I get older to understand who I am, I find that I am way more complicated than I originally thought. OK, maybe not complicated but definitely more disfunctional than people give me credit for. Today's topic...expressing what I need. I can't say that I have ever been told verballly that what I need is not that important. It is  more that I have been made to feel that way. It wasn't said in words explicitly but in actions. When I didn't want to do something or see specific people, I was to


aperson in Life

Smoke Alarm Updated

(My new experience and findings on trigger alarm. Inspired by "Carolyn Spring podcast #16 Trauma needs a solution") To feel safe again within oneself, the solution is not to switch off the smoke alarm, but to synchronise the heart and mind, and update the whole alarm system, to the present moment. What I really mean here is to update the alarm system which was built during childhood, bring it to present, now as an adult. What should we do now, to ensure our safety and well being?  The

Vitality in nature

I put it in a glass with some water and I forgot about it. When I was about to throw it into my compost, this little thing surprises me. Wow! I said: look at the roots coming out, so beautiful! 😍 Left me wonders about life, vitality in nature.

truth teller

truth teller in Inspiration

I took one step closer

Living a little more today, when my dead heart decided, to explore life. I starts to breathe again. XX XX XX XX It comes, as a frightening truth, about my mom. Truth that I denied but know since the beginning. She doesn't love me. I am just a trophy for her to put into show case. She isn't listening to me, she isn't care for me, she isn't going to do anything for me, not merely to take hold of me and say sorry for what I have been through. I gave up, and full stop. I'm done, pleading for

truth teller

truth teller in My story

My story: Velvety Red Rose

I hated rose, until I find myself to be a rose. Velvety red rose.  It was June this year that I decided to confront with my dad, about love and fear, about the abuse that none of us mentioned, that I endured and kept to myself for so long. I thought of death, if I'm going to die, then I wish to say what I wanted to say. I asked to meet him, but ends up writing email and sending recordings to him. It was a very very hard decision to make, but when it comes, it's like "I need to get this done

truth teller

truth teller in My story

It's all connected.

I know I am good at writing about my feelings.  That’s always been the case with me.  Talking about them – not so much, but writing about them always enables me to explore them further in depth. Lately, I’ve had a lot on my mind and plate.  It shows at home the most, where I am constantly snapping - my daughter and I have been like snapping turtles lately, but we have gotten better at communicating as politely as possible whenever one of us is getting on the other's nerves.  It shows at work - I


Capulet in Blogs


Today we talked about loads.  First of all I asked her about her question last week re whether in my heart of hearts I really thought it wasn't concentual, because I was confused about why she'd asked the question and what her thoughts about the events were.  But she said that she'd felt I was very much allowing other people's judgements to affect my views last week, and she just wanted me to get back to what I knew to be true.  She did ask me why it was important that she believes me, and I cou
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