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im feeling.....?

i dont know when my last post was. its been a while. lately im feeling angry with the whole world. i am at home now, not at school anymore. my anxiety is awful. its so bad. i don tthink its ever been this bad. but i have figured out more of my sexuality. theres actually a girl i like. i met her on a trip to ireland through my school and she lives a few hours away from me. i am going to stay with her for a weekend. im actually pretty certain she likes me too but i will face that when it comes to

lanie

lanie in journaling

tap tap- who's there?

Its been awhile- things have been good overall but that doesn't mean it hasn't been tough. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy lately with EMDR. Usually, after sessions I feel a lot of things and I find the best way for me to process them is through writing.     

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

6.9.22

I feel like my life is just going through motions every day. I’m pretty depressed today. The thoughts of SH are ever present. It makes me want to scream.     *SH TRIGGER*       is it horrible to say I want to scream by cutting because I don’t know how else to speak? im afraid to go to therapy and tell him (my T) this. And therapy is so fucking expensive. it’s All I wanna do but I know it does nothing. I feel like somewhat of a failure for not self har

Learning from hindsight…

I’m glad I just reread my last blog post before this one. Things are officially over between me and the BF. Off and on for 8 years and I finally came to my senses.    I am sad it’s over between us. Even though I finally ended it for good this time. Even though I think I truly “ended us” in my heart weeks ago… I completely forgot about this conversation with him until rereading this. This is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was very numb a couple days ago and now

Not having a place

(I use the Older Version of me as OV, and the Younger Version of me as YV to avoid confusion) YV: I wish we were safe. I feel like you run around when things happen at the house and It makes me feel scared, like I don't know what's gonna happen next... OV: I know, I wish we had a better place to stay too...our own place, but for the moment we just have to keep moving, we have no choice.... YV: But why don't you slow down? why can't you see that I can't run as fast as you do and I'

sk8er

sk8er in Existing

If you say I "must" forgive, what you are really saying is that it's "scorched earth." (Extended version)

*T* language and descriptions I'm 16, and my mother set me up to be raped. It was brutal, I was punched over and over again, and I lost two teeth, in addition to being raped. TUE MAY 31 2022 On Tuesday I visited our county's district attorney. I took an audio recording of my father confessing to being part of a cover up, slandering me, lying to police, and threatening to commit perjury. He also implicated my mother in a conspiracy to commit aggravated sexual assault, and stated th

searching for hope

Well i know its been since last year since i wrote so much has happened. since my brothers suicide i couldnt handle it any more and came really close to the edge of SH and so i went into inpatient to get some help to deal with the feeling surrounding it and also got my meds regulated at the same time. i am in no means "better". im searching for the light right now. im searching for hope. i try to see the good in things but right now even though i did go inpatient i still hurt. i hurt because he

It has been a while and it just doesnt get easier to me

It has been a difficult last few months. The emotions for making it through yet another milestone were greater than I thought they would be. Dealing with my own grief has been hard but about 2 weeks before my mom's anniversary, my dad's wife lost her only daughter. She had been diagnosed with a very agressive form of cancer in Nov and had been going through chemo as well as having a mastectomy.  Everyone thought that things were looking up until she had a fall, The fall caused a wound to open an

aperson

aperson in Life

Last Words Spoken

I only have one memory left when it comes to my biological mother, I was in about 4th grade. We  were passing through to stay in Las Vegas for a short while. My dad had asked us if we wanted to go and see our mother. She was working at a bowling ally. We all decided to go see her at her work and bowl for a little while. I remember my feet were too small for the shoes that they had there, so I just wore my socks. This may not have been the best idea for a little kid, bowling in socks. However, it

Cousins

Packing up our belongings and preparing to load the car, my brothers came home from one last time on the mountain. Looking at them as they were coming into view something was following them, it was a small pug-nosed dog. It was so ugly with it's face all pushed in, that it was actually kind of cute. My brothers kept trying to tell it to go home, but the thing wouldn't leave, it was persistent to come home with them. To much surprise though as we packed the car, our dad said we could take it with

GodMother

It was time to move again to another place in yet another town. I remember going to my classroom to let my teacher know that I was no longer going to be in her class anymore. That my family was moving away. I remember her quieting down the class, preparing them for the announcement. She spoke very clear and told the class I was moving away and wouldn't be here anymore. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but I was never prepared for the reaction I got. I don't know why, but for some reason the

Secrets

My father liked me to be dressed a certain way. It seemed like I always looked like the poster child for an orphanage. Nothing ever fit, and all the colors that was once there had been warn out. Wearing second-hand jean dresses, shoes too big, and always had long ratted dirty blonde hair. I remember being in the city with bright lights and many hotels. A place of gambling and acceptable sin, my birth place Las Vegas. I am in third grade now. We always lived in some sort of Motel most of the time

My Beginning

Like all stories of how one comes to be, there is always a beginning. When you think of your childhood what is the first picture you see, the first memory brought to light? For me I am about 3 years old and I see a small room with two brothers who are older then me, a TV and small kitchen. All day we would hang out together watching TV. There is no food and nothing to drink, for three days we are in this room, just us kids. Remembering how hungry I was, not sure where the food is, or when we wil

im mad at my roommate

last night i ate some edibles with my friends and my roommate has been talking to this guy john for three weeks now and he lives an hour away. hes has been cancelling all their plans tp get together. last night he was free so she asked me of he could come over and spend the night. i have a rough time still being in a room with guys let alone sleeping in the same room. its only happened once and its with my REALLY close guy friend and even then he was across the room. but since i would be high i

lanie

lanie in rant

progress???? idk

I may be going out with a guy next weekend? im not sure if i am yet. i want to. he seems like a decent guy and we like the same stuff. it doesn't hurt he has two absolutely adorable dogs. my roommate thinks i should go because she says i need to get out more. I really really want to but i am so nervous. i told him id have to check my work schedule and get back to him but i would definitely like to.  i am doing decently  i guess? i have been eating more, although i try not to think about it.

lanie

lanie in rant

This is not the end. A poem

“For them it was the whole book, for you it was just a chapter". This was told to me when I was at the lowest point of my life.  I was in the psychiatric ward for two weeks when a patient told me this. I didn't want to continue my life story, I wanted to be done. I found the strength to continue my story and keep fighting for myself. I was told that my story was not over yet, and I had to keep going. My story is that of healing, growth, recovery and process. It was not easy though.   I was

AudreyP

AudreyP in Feels

The Invisible Ghost

When I was a kid, my brother and I played 'superheroes' a lot... my older sibling with his strength and eyeballs that fired laserbeams at pretend villains and me with my invisibility cape and ability to fly. Now we're both adults, my brother has the strength of a good man and I do my absolute best to be invisible. It's not a superpower now though, it's an existence I crave because the world is too daunting and I don't want to be part of it.  I went swimming a couple of weeks ago, feeling so

Teenage girls....ayyy yi yi yi!!

Just checking in with y'all to clarify that my daughter is miserable and it's all my fault.  At least, that's what I'm getting from her latest tirade. It's my fault that my daughter has a cold. It's my fault that she has her period right now. It's my fault that she's large-chested and complains that her back hurts because of it. It's my fault that she's a GIRL, and that she exists! EVERYTHING is my fault. I probably should backtrack, right? 😉  I've been sick si

Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

update on life i guess

let me first start off by saying I DONT WANT TO KILL MYSELF. but recently i have had a fascination with death? i dont know how to explain it. i have been looking up carbon monoxide suicides because i just keep thinking about the way you pretty much just fall asleep. i have thought about relapsing in self harm again but i havent. yeah i miss it but is it worth the hassle of hiding it from my roommate? is that a weird reason to not hurt myself? i also think about death by hanging or how it would f

lanie

lanie in ?

jealously, jealousy

I’m not a jealous person, but occasionally, it consumes me. It only happens in very specific scenarios. It’s whenever I see someone run well in a race. Jealously may not be the best word- that’s what my abuser told me it was.  However, when I really sit with the feelings, I see it’s so much more than that. It took me years to admit to myself that he negatively affected my life and that I would have been better off without him… but it’s the truth. I feel sad.  I mourn something that I c

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Road Maps, Marker Pens and Therapeutic Venting

If you've read my previous blog entry you'll know that I'm typing my story, right from the beginning, as part of trauma therapy. I typed it out a couple of years back on here, and a more official version, featuring the man who gave me reason to join this forum, was written for a police statement when I reported him in 2020. I'm now revisiting it again with help from a therapist and new insights, and the words that are spilling out onto my computer screen come from the 44-year-old me, with all th

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

i messed up

i had a few drinks the other night and broke my two week streak. im disappointed in myself. and i can always feel the judgement of my roommate if i take cbd capsules or gummies to sleep. i have therapy for the first time in two years tomorrow and im nervous. lately i have been feeling sick and anxious. like i get so nauseous from being anxious i feel the bile at the back of my throat. i met a girl and she made me realize im into girls but then i found out she went to the frat and knew the guy  w

lanie

lanie in journaling

Four wishes

I wish your words cut like knives. Tearing open my innocent flesh, So that I could see you were a monster. I would have stood a chance. I wish your touch left bruises. My battered body could have matched my broken soul. Skin painted black and purple means run. But I stayed. I wish your kisses were daggers, I would not have mistaken it for love It was a dark, dark hellish force, With the smile of a saint. I wish it was “bad”. The shame wouldn’t live in my body, The guilt wouldn’t eat me aliv

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

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