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Drunk encounter number 1…

I have been talking to my long distance ex that is my BF again…but there’s this wall. Every time I want to knock it down…every time we talk about something sexual that makes me think back to what’s been done to me…thinking about it now makes me want to vomit… he said something the other day that we were talking about and it has had me triggered since. he helped a girl by giving her a ride home, that was drunk and alone left by her bf at his place of work, crying without a ride or phone

behindthesehazeleyes

behindthesehazeleyes in Blog

23 - be kind anyway & mixed feelings

For readablity's sake the first half of this was written almost a month ago. The two subjects do intersect, though, so I'm including them in the same post. The past few weeks I've been thinking about this quote. It has a series of statements like "people will be jerks, help them anyway. People will act selfishly, forgive them anyway."  The context of the original quote is pretty interesting. Here's more about that if you care to do a lil more reading. https://quoteinvestigator.com/tag/

Backstabber

What you talkin about Yea, you better shut your mouth I got dynamite, don't speak out Keep those damn words to yourself   I'm not interested in your lies In your jacket or about your life In your words that you share so shy Fuck that, you're fucking sly   Fucking backstabber, go cry I don't give a shit about your eye Trip down the stairs, two times Then to come to me and whine   I'm no longer your petty "wife" I don'

Celia

Celia in Pain

Force of Society

Not gonna lie I'm stuck in a drought Stuck in the road Stuck in the clouds   I don't wanna hide But that's how I pout Locked in my room Cry my eyes out   Hide from the world That's how I'm down Don't tell me to stop That's how I drown   Don't tell me to speak That's how I freak Caught in my thought Anxiety eating me Making me die You caught my lie But making me cry All day long 'n night

Celia

Celia in Pain

No Title

This has got to be the hundredth time I’ve started this blog. I just don’t know what to say. I want to write, but I don’t know what to say. It feels like nothing is happening while at the same time, everything is happening. I’m in distress. I’m crying a lot – and I mean a LOT. I’m angry. I’m hurt. But I don’t know how to put any of this on paper and get it out of my head. Everything is wrong. Everything feels so insignificant. I can’t even write because it doesn’t feel safe. Therapy do

Poppy_

Poppy_ in Life

Awful & Triggering Nightmare

Hello.  How are you?  It's been a while, I know.  In some ways, that's a good thing though, right?  It means I haven't had any bad thoughts or sexual ones, to be specific.  And by thoughts, I mean being triggered and depressed in my room.  Although, I'm not home right now, I'm in WI.  My home is in NC.  Quite a bit away, but I'll be going home tomorrow.  So, it's okay.  I'm just chilling with family here in WI, nothing bad.             Well, there has been some bad things.  I keep having ni

Celia

Celia in Pain

Hello again blog, its been a while

*trigger warning* R, SA, and assault It's been a couple years since I've been on this site. Reading through my old blog posts shows me that I'm in a much better place than I was before, but I'm back on this site again for a reason I guess.  I came back to this site because I realized that what happened to me in my relationship wasn't what should have happened. In college I found myself in a relationship I never wanted to be in and tried to get out of multiple times. Being naive, when I said

feeling alone yet self isolating

I've been thinking a lot lately. And I mean... a looot. I asked myself, why is everything so hard? Why do I feel so unmotivated ? why do I feel so bored of everything? I don't like just sitting there and do nothing, I need to be productive, else I feel like I'm wasting the little time I've granted in this life. So, why do I still waste it? It's not as simple as my brain try to make it out to be.   Feelings, emotions, it's complicated. If you don't feel good, even the smallest

When the path isn't already traced

The words as they came to me You know, I'm not exactly a highly spiritual or religious person. I just do things my way, follow my guts and feelings. At least most of the time. What is really challenging to me with overcoming trauma and making my way to recovery, is, I don't know the way. I'm lost with only my moral compass to guide me, and a shattered mind to make decisions. There's noone to hand me a map that says "in 100 meters, turn left, recovery is at the end of this road". that's

Yes… I am still here and beginning to blossom

I haven’t been on the site in a long time because I have been working very hard to repair a lot of things that I didn’t do. The good news is after all that hard work and great support, things are moving in the proper direction. The DOJ announced the FBI made serious errors handling the Nasser case from 2015.  No surprises there.  Maybe they will create a branch of female or non-binary LGTBQ+ investigators.  We’d be able to get shit done and put people behind bars, no matter how powerful the

Monster (TW!)

Between hushed pants and ‘I love you’s’ I laid silent. How could someone who claimed to love me so much do this to me? The ceiling is to keep one closed in and safe, So why when I looked at the ceiling was I in danger Through rhythms that repeated, I prayed for it to be over. “It only lasts A few minutes” I told myself I reassured myself I’d keep you forever this way No matter how many times I let you do it despite it ruining my sanity, You left.  

The Moon and The Sun - a slam poem

I’ve been writing a lot because the voices in my head are getting louder and the only way to shut them up is to let the words flow from my fingertips onto this paper that likely no one will read. The darkness is coming back. Damn... it’s heavy. I’ve been riding this high for a while and I think I’m coming down because I suddenly feel like the earth has given way beneath my feet and I’m slipping into something I don’t quite recognize. I’ve been down the dark, lonely dirt roads before. T

Who Am I?

How am I supposed to be myself? When everyday I'm told to be like someone else. Always criticized and daily insulted Just for being who I am inside, that's it.   I am my own enemy, Always listening to everyone and everything. Wanting to be perfect, Or at least accepted for myself. But I'm talked to like I should be someone else.   Although, all the inspiring speeches told, They say you're perfect inside and out. They say to be your

Celia

Celia in Accepting

Crawling out from under the debris....

Well, folks… It’s been a minute?  Or two?  Or…like…six months?   I have returned to this blog many times over the last six months with an itch to write.  To vent, to yell, scream and cry on paper/screen.  But, then, I’d close it out following an exasperated, ‘never mind.’  This is typical me, though.  I tend to let things build up and then to sit down and write about it all will feel like a more daunting task because by then, there’s a lot that’s piled up and I’m more likely to be sayi

Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

God

They say God is real They say he is alive But really floating above Saying everything is alright   Saying that he has a plan  For each and one of us Saying he is the protector  And the father to all of us   But let me ask a question Like… where has he been Wasn't here during past years  Or even when I was a kid   Left me alone Even though he knew He knew the truth of everything Yet gave no one a single clue

Celia

Celia in Pain

19/06/2021

So I'm involved in a relationship for like the first time in years - over a decade.  I've stayed well clear of men since my r*pe.  But Idk, he seems kinda nice.  But I'm freaking out about the sex side of things.  He's gonna want sex and I don't know that I can.  The only thing that comes to mind when I think of sex is how disgusting and painful and that no-one could possibly look past what happened to me and see me as clean.  I can't see me as clean.  So how do I cope with it?  How do I enjoy i

16/06/2021

So my T who I've had for 3 years is leaving and it's really unsettled me.  He's been like a rock in my life even though I've not been able to talk to him about a lot of things like how I feel about things because I so often don't know.  And now that he's leaving I've started to feel - a lot.  I've gone from numb to a wreck.  And I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to process it.  I don't want to be numb again.  But I don't want to feel out of control with my feelings.  I'd like them to ju

The Letter I Never Wanted to Write

To my rapist, I feel like there are pieces of me scattered all over the city. Because of you. There’s a piece at the bar where you found me. The bar where you pushed drinks on me and got me so inebriated that I couldn’t walk. The bar where you told me not to sober up. The bar where I think you drugged me. The bar where you first started exercising your control over me. The bar I can’t go to anymore because the smell reminds me of what you did to me. There’s a piece of me in y

Poppy_

Poppy_ in Life

Traumaversary Season

Traumaversaries suck. Also, I’m pissed because I was already a whole page into this blog when my computer crashed and now I have to start all over. I don’t even remember everything I had written in the last one. Something about feeling the urge to write today and taking advantage of that because I’ve been so unmotivated and uninspired. That’s the cliff notes version of what was previously written here. I do remember what I talked about and I also remember that there was a disclaimer th

Poppy_

Poppy_ in Life

Sacrifice for Family

All this pain, Inside my head. I'm nearing an end, I might end up dead.   I have an idea, That'll cost my life. But it's worth it for family, I must do the fight.   The fucking bastard, Yea, the sexual abuser. I'm done with everything, No one doing nothing.   I'm gonna fight, And by that, let's see. I know how to use a gun, I know where he sleeps.   I'm gonna show up, Make sure he's awake.

Celia

Celia in Family

Society/People

Been hurt so much, Been lied to in the face. Bullied all around, Pushed all over the place    Met many people in person, Seems most of them are fake. How come I get the bad people? How come I get hurt by the stake?   Society is bad, So is the people. It's to the point, I've given up on visuals.   When my family says, "Make some friends!" I ask myself, "What will it take?"   I have some real friend

Celia

Celia in Pain

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