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29/09/2023


forestmistheather

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Today at T we first spoke reflected on last week and I said that I do still feel shame, but that I yoyo somewhat when it comes to feeling like I'm to blame.  Then I told her that I had contacted a group at the university I'm attending that education people (students) around the issues or sexual health and consent.  So I have emailed them to say that I'd like to make people aware in one of their campaigns that an orgasm is not consent.  It is just a reaction to stimuli.  She asked me how I felt about this and I said terrified.  I don't know how they're going to react (which she pointed out later was something I was maybe testing).  She asked me how I felt whilst I was actually writing the email, and I said good / positive.  We then talked about my continued feelings of shame and that it's my fault.  She asked me what is it about the assault that I feel shame about.  I said being drunk to which she said 'does being drunk give someone the right to have sex with you?'.  No, I guess it doesn't, but I guess I just feel a level of personal responsibility over myself that I can't shift, but I couldn't quite explain that today.  I think we are very quick to put responsibility onto other people.  And I know if I was talking to someone else, I would be telling them that it was not their responsibility, they're entitled to get as drunk as they like and feel totally safe.  But I do still feel like I have a personal responsibility to not put myself in harms way (says the person that just walked home across a field adjacent to a copse in the dark of the night).  Maybe I only feel it because something bad happened.  The other thing I said was the orgasm.  This brought up a lot of emotion and she correctly identified that I can't really move past things / believe that they are not my fault as I'm stuck on this.  I was saying how I can tell myself in my head that an orgasm is not consent, but actually believing it is another thing entirely.  She said that perhaps my email to the university was an attempt to convience myself, which I think is true.  She also said (as mentioned before) that maybe I was testing them to see if they would believe me (which I think is definitely true).  This was more or less the session today.  We have a break for a week now so next session is the 13/10.  Only got 6 sessions left!

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