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01/09/2023


forestmistheather

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Feel really deflated today.  Don't know if that's T or if that's because my sister has said she may be moving back up North.  I think it's a bad idea, but I don't think I'm going to talk her out of it.  She has it set in her head that this friend of theirs is the miracle answer to their prayers when it comes to her daughters mental health problems, or at least she will help considerably.  And I just don't think that's the case.  I think they's both clutching on to 'the grass is greener on the other side' when the reality is it's exactly the same.  But maybe they have to go to find that out.  But that's by the by.

In my T today, we talked a bit about my thoughts around masterbation again.  About how I use it to block out feelings / thoughts.  And we talked about what thought in particular had upset me so much last week as I'd had a very bad (physical - emotional, tireness, MS fatigue, coming on early) reaction post session.  And it was the hearing that most of my sexual experiences had come from abuse/assaults.  And she asked me about what feelings came up around that that was so hard.  I said shame, disgust, humiliation.  She said she'd noticed that shame comes up a lot for me and we ended up talking about where this may of come from.  I thought that maybe it had come from being extremely badly bullied at school (I'm autistic, and I'm not pretty sure that's why, but back then all I knew was that I was different) whilst my sister was always very popular and got on in life.  I sort of learnt quickly that it's not what you know but who you know - that society's opinion of you matters.  I learnt to really hate myself and value the opinions of other people.  My mind then drifted to 'well how do I change things?'  She asked me if there was anything I liked about myself.  I couldn't come up with anything which makes me sort of sad.  She was making the point that I needed to learn to be kind to myself and she was saying that she doesn't often hear me being kind to myself.  She asked if I thought I could put what the bullies said out of my mind and be kind to myself instead.  This ended up making me cry as I've just had a bad experience with some what I thought were friends down the pub.  We then talked about this.  I was getting to the pub early because I was only working in the mornings.  So I was sitting in the normal place where the group of us all sit.  But then when they came in, they didn't come over, they just stood at the bar.  And when I'd finished my drink, put my glass back on the bar - I then went to the toilet, which I don't think they saw.  I think they thought I'd left.  When I came back out, they were all sat where I'd just been sat.  I half put this down to one particular bloke who has been funny with me before, is a total nob, and hardly hangs around with the group.  He wouldn't have wanted to sit with me I'm pretty sure of it.  But then the following day, one of the other chaps in the group came in and I know he saw me because I said hello when he first came in.  But rather than join me he then proceeded to go and stand and talk to someone he hardly ever talks to for nearly half and hour, to the point that he literally couldn't ignore me anymore.  Eventually he came over, put his drink down, said hello, and went straight out to smoke.  The person he had been talking to was actually a family friend and had also headed out to smoke with he puppy.  I wanted to ask her who she was with because they'd said hello to me but I hadn't recognised them (which was funny because she told me that they hadn't recognised me either!).  When I got out there, the friend said to me 'Oh forestmist you come sit with me' - so she had noticed his behaviour and invited me to sit with her instead.  But the thing is it's really hard to like yourself and to not feel shame when other people put that burdon on you.  And that's kind of where we left it for 2 weeks as I have a first aid course next week so I'm not there.  Feeling exhausted again!

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