So at T today we talked about a few things. We revisited the bullies from the pub and how I'm dealing with that scenario. Which is basically to sit with other people. We then talked about a flashback I'd had this week. I'd been having a memory of the oral rape, and of gagging and not being able to breathe. We talked about my feelings during that moment, fear, disgust. Then the conversation turned to my feelings around touch and where the anxiety comes from. I identified that I think it started with my dad. He used to explode at me, call me all the names under the sun, tell me he wished I was dead, that I'd never been born etc... When he went mad and would go for me, I'd bolt for my room and slam the door to. But then he'd usually calm down as quickly as he got angry whereas I'd still be very upset. As soon as he'd calmed he would come upstairs and want a hug, which I really didn't want to give. The other thing was he used to like going out for walks in the evening. My mum worked away from home and my sister was never in. So I used to have to go with him (he couldn't go on his own). He used to like to hold my hand on the walks, and by this point I was a teenager, not a child. And he would offload to me like he was talking to my mother. It was like I was a substitute wife. And it was really weird.
The last thing we spoke about was that I am just really confused about how to feel about my parents. My dad did nothing maliciously, he was just very ill. But it still had an effect. My mum however knew exactly what she was doing when she was violent, I'm sure of it. But equally she gave the greatest of cuddles. I just don't know anymore.