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Life is lifing



Every since I realized that I was having a medical issue, I have had a greater fear of not waking up one day. The diagnosis and treatment were suppose to alleviate this fear. Medical tests showing that my heart is healing and me taking my medications daily should help alleviate that fear. But none of that does many nights over the last 5 months. I have tried to wave that fear off. There is no reason that I should have it currently. Ironically, if you had picked any other day from as far as I could remember through Nov of 2022, I wanted it. Some days really bad and some days for just a fleeting moment. Some nights I just keep doing anything until sleep has no choice but to take over because our bodies and minds require it. Lately when I fall asleep I am startled up. I dont know if that is a dream that woke me, a sound, not being able to breathe or a fear that I had stopped breathing.  Whatever it is, my already late nights and early mornings are turning into later nights and earlier mornings. My normal 5-6 hrs of consistent sleep is turning into 2 hrs now and 2 hrs later. 

I have talked it over with my doctors at times but I am honestly scared that taking a sleeping aid will be worse. I hear people say that they oversleep on them and work is a requirement because I have yet to win the lottery. Others say they are doing things after taking them and going to bed to find out they have gotten up in the night and cooked or started projects or ordered stuff they dont need or want. I dont want that either because if something happened I wouldnt forgive myself. Anyway at this point I am going to have to work through this fear. It is not completely rational at this stage of the game. I have shown no signs of fluid building back up around my heart in the last 5 months. I have even had another CT scan in the last month that shows everything is all clear and I have nothing to fear. But the doubt still lingers.

Sadly that doubt sometimes leads to other lines of thought. During that last scan the noticed 2 nodules under my armpit. Those werent there in the scan I had for 4months before. And because the doctor who ordered the scan is a pulmonologist he cant diagnose anything from it. So it is up to my gyno. I had an appointment scheduled for a mammogram and my gyno earlier this month but due to work I had to reschedule for next week and next month. So I will be bringing it up to both of them. My mammogram results should be back by the time I see the gyno. But that concern lays in the back as well. Cancer doesnt really run in my family on my mother or father's side. My dad had 1 sibling who died of cancer and the others in his side are really people who married into the family. Knowing that I am trying to keep calm. I know that not having instances in the family doesnt make me immune, I also have to remember that I have scar tissue there as well. And this could all just be scar tissue showing up that no one noticed before.

But having that lingering thought is another reason I cant sleep. And I wouldnt be so worried but just 1 1/2 years ago, my dad's wife lost her daughter. She was diagnosed in Nov and was deceased in Mar. News like this would be devasting to them and my siblings having our own mother pass 2 1/2 years ago. Yep, her daughter passed 1 week before my mother 1 year anniversary.  2021 and 2022 were a freaking blast. 😐 


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