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About this blog

Random ramblings of a fellow chocolate lover, need I say more?

Entries in this blog

26 years!

Today marks 26 years since my rape.  It's surreal that this much time has gone by while sometimes, it feels as if it were only yesterday. Thank you to those of you who reached out with hugs and words of support and encouragement today - as well as the days leading up to today. I loathe 10/4 with every fiber of my being but knowing you're all thinking of me does help. I just want you all to know that I am doing all right. The last few weeks have been cloudy, and I expect I will remain in a

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Capulet in Blogs

Teenage girls....ayyy yi yi yi!!

Just checking in with y'all to clarify that my daughter is miserable and it's all my fault.  At least, that's what I'm getting from her latest tirade. It's my fault that my daughter has a cold. It's my fault that she has her period right now. It's my fault that she's large-chested and complains that her back hurts because of it. It's my fault that she's a GIRL, and that she exists! EVERYTHING is my fault. I probably should backtrack, right? 😉  I've been sick si

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Update time!

Hi, all!  I just wanted to pass by with a quick (maybe?) update, for I know that I have been extremely neglectful to my blog lately.  I've been around on the site, though - that is unchanging.  Even so, I don't like feeling so disconnected from my blog.  It's always been a place I would come to write things out and process - a place to share things I've had on my mind, a place to gain feedback and support.  I confess that lately, I've not known what to say about anything, so in turn, I've n

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25

So...today is twenty-five years.  A quarter of a century.  Which one sounds better?  Or worse?  Especially when something that happened twenty-five years ago is still fresh in one’s mind?   Three years ago, I wrote a letter to my rapist and posted it as a blog entry.  I found myself reading it again the other day.  Why?  I don’t know.  Nothing’s changed.  I still stand by all of what I managed to say to him, knowing that he’d never read the letter.  I guess it’s different when you know that

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Crawling out from under the debris....

Well, folks… It’s been a minute?  Or two?  Or…like…six months?   I have returned to this blog many times over the last six months with an itch to write.  To vent, to yell, scream and cry on paper/screen.  But, then, I’d close it out following an exasperated, ‘never mind.’  This is typical me, though.  I tend to let things build up and then to sit down and write about it all will feel like a more daunting task because by then, there’s a lot that’s piled up and I’m more likely to be sayi

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That moment when...

...you realize that you ARE Raymond from that TV show, "Everybody Loves Raymond." In short, the show's about an average guy.  Married, a few kids, a nice house.  And a mother who's a pushy, nosy, meddling, annoying pain-in-the-ass busybody.  Said character was perfectly played by the late Doris Roberts.  We all knew Marie Barone.  And we all LOVED Marie Barone because - well - let's admit it.  She made us laugh.  She was that mother we were all glad we didn't have.  Some of us might have wa

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I found it!

I'm on a roll, it seems, with these blogs.  I simply have too much time to think these days.  It seems it's all I do.  When something baffles me - this is my drawing board.  I'm reminded of the evidence room whiteboard with scribbled notes and pictures and the strings connecting one to the other....that is an accurate assessment of my brain right now.  There's all this information, all these images.  I know there's more to it, and so I'm constantly and obsessively going over it.  Over, and over

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Light bulb!

Another blog entry?  So soon?    Even for me, this is odd...  Though it's a bit untraditional of me to post two days in a row, I'm hearing my brain say, 'just run with it, Cappy.  Just write.' So, I guess, I will.  Maybe this is the way to make peace with what I've been feeling and what's needed for me to altogether snap out of it.  Perhaps in order to put this year's 'traumaversary period' to rest, I am needing to understand what exactly happened this year.  I can't deny that it felt

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Proceed with caution...

These three little words are certainly ones to live by - especially if you're me. Starting at the end of last month, these have been words I'd wake up to.  Was I ready for another day of feeling disconnected from everyone including myself?  Another day of contending with that unwelcome feeling of impending doom?  Another day of cloudiness, and feeling as if I'm surrounded by a fog?  Another 24 hours of reminders that fall is in full swing, now?   I'd tell myself as I pull myself out of

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Do you smell that?

I was walking the dog in the front yard yesterday afternoon.   The Daughter, who's been attending school remotely 3x per week (the other two days, she is IN the actual brick-and-mortar school) came out and said she was finished with her last class (it was about 2:45pm) and in a sing-songy voice, she says, "it's the weeeeeeeeekend!" I suppose it is.  TGIF? At the time I started writing this, it was still Friday. She then tilted her head towards the heavens, and smiled.  "I can smel

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Like a fish out of water...

Hi friends!! I know it's been a while....I sincerely apologize for not taking the time (and there's been plenty of it) to fill everyone in on the happenings of my life.   It seems that any accompanying promise to try to be better at updating my blog is one that's become harder to keep, so I'll simply not promise - I will, however, try to re-embrace writing as a means of release.  Those of you who have gotten to know me over some time also know that writing is my biggest means of processing

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There's been a casualty - my mother's sanity.

Hello from me in isolation - how's everyone doing?  It's the first time I'm blogging whilst in quarantine - you'd think I have all the time in the world, but even I'm having trouble getting used to a routine that I have no choice but to conform to for the time being. We are amid some very hard times, friends.  Very uncertain and very unsettling times.  I've taken several steps back from Facebook and only check my feed once or twice a day - all of the COVID-19 jokes are starting to become an

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In the brain's back pocket...

It's been a rough, ROUGH few weeks.  I'm not really wanting to rehash on things and put too many details here, but I did want to let everyone know that things have been stressful and difficult as of late.  I'm still around, though, no worries!!!  It seems that no matter what's happening in my life, this remains my safe space, the place where I feel most comfortable, and where I 'escape.'   I know I've been extremely neglectful to my blog, my and to my kitchen sink, among other things.  I've

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Mel & Quill vs. Nerves - who shall prevail?

So, let's assume that Ny-Quil and Melatonin have teamed up with one very important mission in mind - 'twas the night before Spring semester started, and someone (let's call her, 'Cap') needed to undo six weeks' worth of habitual going-to-bed-at-3am-every-night damage.  And let's also assume that EVEN this late at night, it takes Cap roughly an hour to FALL asleep and then STAY asleep for more than three or four hours at a time.  It has also been pre-determined that neither member of Team Sleep A

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That pebble in your shoe...

Friends, The motivation for this entry has come from several different directions.  There is much I've seen, heard, and felt in the past week.  I debated whether this should be a motivational post or a blog entry, but it's possible it'll be both.  I'm undecided for the moment, so figured I'd at least write it out, first. Most of us envision healing as a non-linear path we take on foot; a muddied, beaten, track that is not without obstacles and hinderances along the way.  'One foot in f

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Enter catchy title here...because I'm drawing blanks.

Hello, all. Did you all enjoy NOT hearing about my schoolwork?  I hope so, because I HAVE enjoyed not bitching about certain classes and papers that I really didn't want to write.  Of course, these were for the 'required' classes not pertaining to my social work major and it would only be natural for me to complain about those.  I will say though, that when I return to campus in a couple weeks, I'll be TRYING to refrain from giving my (former) Government professor a glare for giving me the

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2020 Vision...

Whether we're talking about hindsight or vision, it seemed right to title this blog with something that's coming for us all.  I'm SO ready for 2019 to be over.  How 'bout you? While there have been some redeeming moments that it'd be unfair to acknowledge, this year has been overall shitty.  There has been more sadness than happiness, more frustration than there have been genuine smiles, and more tears than....well, you get the picture.  I've gained weight, I'm experiencing pain and di

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Out of milk, bread and flexibility.

Hi, all! I REALLY should be studying for final exams right now.  I do have three this week that I'm NOT toooooo worried about, content-wise.  I know the material, I'm confident I'll be fine with these three.  There will be two next week that this coming weekend will be devoted to studying for.  Although I'm likely fine, the over-achieving side of me is thinking, 'I am NOT finished until I turn in my last final exam...' I came home from school today (we had a snow day yesterday) with in

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Hello numbness, it's been a while!

Hi, everyone. It feels like the last couple of months has gone by in a blur.  I'm starting to realize the true meaning of the statement, 'too much time on your hands.'  When I had it, (it being time) my mind wouldn't shut up.  I had so much more to say.  I looked at things sooooo differently.  I'd have TIME to sift through whatever was swimming around in there - now, all that's in there is numbers, formulas, political definitions, social work case studies (hypothetical ones), papers that w

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Better late than never!

Hi, everyone!! Hoping you're all doing well.  I know my updates are getting more rare, and for that, I do apologize.   I'm really trying to get back into my writing habits, but it seems I've been experiencing some cloudiness.  More on that as we continue. I'm hanging in there, though, as best as I can.   School is in full swing, now.  We're now in our third week.  I've just received this morning the date of my first midterm...yep, you read correctly - we're ALREADY getting ready f

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Back from my bl-iatus!

Wow. I know I haven't been here in a while.   I wish I could say that my OCD over posting my three installments in order, without a random blog in between that would 'interrupt the flow' was my sole reason for this blog-hiatus (or a 'bl-iatus') but I'd be lying through my fingers. I just haven't been feeling it.  This summer has been a rough one - and I've only shared with a select few, the details that have kept me somewhat absent from my blog.  While I've remained a constant presence here

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Installment Three: After

This is also posted in Share Your Story.  The three installments are now posted in order there, and the board is now open to responses, but you may respond either here, or there, if you wish!  As always, please heed the trigger warnings above - and thank you in advance for reading!  Normal blogs will resume very soon, as my OCD self wanted these installments to be in order, without 'interruptions.'  And so, without further ado: Installment Three: After It might make the most sens

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Installment Two: The Party

Also posted in Share Your Story: Installment Two:  The Party  I am now fast-forwarding, (or rewinding, depending on how old I was in your minds upon completing reading of the first installment) to when I was seventeen years old as I bring to you all, installment 2 of my story.   This is the full, uncensored version of what was shared back in 2007. One would think that as time goes on, you’re likely to forget some details.   While that may be the case for some, I W

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Installment One: The Formative Years

Also posted in Share Your Story: Installment One: The Formative Years I was born on a snowy winter morning in 1978.  Originally, I wasn’t planning to reveal my age – but felt there was some importance in divulging the time frame.  I DO believe that there is FAR more awareness now than there was back then.  Maybe, just maybe things would have turned out differently.  Maybe it would have set off an entirely different chain of events. Maybe I wouldn’t be writing this, now. As life is full

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Putting together the pieces of me...again.

* This is also posted in Share Your Story.   My story first appeared within the forums back in 2007.  I’d just joined After Silence, and my trauma had occurred eleven years prior to that.  Now, coming up on 23 years since I was raped, it has occurred to me that while my story remains the same, my perspective on it has greatly evolved.  Much can be said for the passage of time – to include the coming to light of details that perhaps were overlooked or otherwise censored the first time I’d ch

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