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Just trying to keep moving forward



I have been in a funk of sorts for years now. It's the type of funk that you know you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tomorrow you hope for a better day. But it seems every side of the bed is the wrong side. There are days when I can manage the funk very well. I function at work and participate with family. Then there are the days that I cant really get past it. I cannot say that there is one thing or one emtion. I am just sad and depressed.  I have tried pinpointing what it is but I am just disconnected from everything.

I only put in the effort that is required for anything I do. I have already told my boss that I dont want to have any real responsibilities. Dont try to promote me for leadership of any kind. That is not what I want. I dont want to have to interact with these people through coachings or supervisor calls or anything other than answering a very simple question. Socially, I would prefer that I just stay home and not have to do anything.

My appetite over that last few months has been non-existent. I eat a salad because I can tolerate it. It is the one thing I can consistently eat. At least it is healthy and I can hopefully lose some of the weight the doctors want me to. If I lost the desire for cigarettes they would be on cloud 9 I bet. That desire has increased though. I smoke now more than before escpecially when I am working. Working from home is nice except for that piece. If they make me go in the office I have no clue what I would do having to get dressed every single day.

I thought talking it out would help as well. But that only leaves me more frustrated because I cant find the answer. Writing hasnt been that helpful either. It is just a bunch of rambling that makes no sense. Kind of like this entry. It is like seasonal depression but it is every season. I lay in bed and cry sometimes. I cry for nothing. I cry because i miss my mama. I cry because I have a life long condition that I caused. I know that. I knew the possible consequences. Others  believe the reason is just an excuse or just plain invalid and I should have done better. I cry because I wish I could have done better. I cry because next year I will have to make some difficult decisions again. And again they wont understand the reasoning. I cry because childhood trauma is real and if you dont experience it then you never understand fully. 

All that I can do is keep trying at some point. Until then I just keep moving. Sometimes, it is forward, Sometimes it is backwards. I just cant stay still. Therapy is currently not an option. Financially it isnt in the cards but most importantly, I have been there and I just cant do it again right now. When the time comes, I will try again. Right now I am just not trusting of the help that it will provide.

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Hi,  I hear you and can relate a lot.  Know you are not alone and this will also pass. Let me say you write in a beautiful way.  I feel every word.  No effort is in vain. Yes, sometimes it may feel like two steps forward and one back. But, you are always, always getting ahead. Because, you know what dear friend? We are here and just that is triumph. Don't let that get you down.  You are strong and don't need the approval of others to help you move forward. You have that rare inner strength that takes life by a storm of power and a sound mind. Often I have thought if we don't feel sad when something bad happens then that is really weird. We can feel it in stages through the chapters of time assigned to our own unique beautiful lives. You are so worth it and I loved reading what you write. .  Keeping you company my new friend. A.

Edited by awi
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