Capulet

* This is also posted in Share Your Story. My story first appeared within the forums back in 2007. I’d just joined After Silence, and my trauma had occurred eleven years prior to that. Now, coming up on 23 years since I was raped, it has occurred to me that while my story remains the same, my perspective on it has greatly evolved. Much can be said for the passage of time – to include the coming to light of details that perhaps were overlooked or otherwise censored the first time I’d chosen to write about what is undeniably the worst time in my life. To explain, 2007’s post was written by an entirely different version of me. A me that still blamed herself, a me that was fearful of being told that I ‘should be over this already.’ A me that was on her way to becoming free of a loveless marriage, where the person who should have been my biggest support was also the person I was most afraid of. A me, who remained within a mental prison with little hope of ever being paroled. Regardless, this story was told once before, but to best try to describe the way it was written in 2007 – it’s like watching a movie on mute. You know it’s there, you’ve got the gist of what happened, but there’s still SO much there that was missed or omitted simply because I was either not ready to elaborate on details or because I thought to do so would be risky. I can honestly say most of the risk was attributed to my then-husband finding out that I’d put that much of my ‘dirty laundry’ online – and the smaller percentage was in being subsequently blamed for my own part in what had happened. Of course, I know now that the latter was a product of my own under-developed thinking… So, what’s happened since I last told my story? I got divorced. His idea, believe it or not – I guess I was unable to measure up to what he perceived to be the perfect wife. I was fat, I was lazy, I was horrible in bed. It was just easier for him to chalk it all up to depression and bail out of the relationship rather than try to fix it. In all honesty, it was beyond fixable and in hindsight, I’m GLAD he asked for the divorce. I know I wouldn’t have been the first one to walk away. If this were the case for him, I’d still be in a VERY bad situation. I finally went to therapy. I made my first appointment one week after he asked me for the divorce. He no longer cared to be ‘my person,’ and actually encouraged me to go. I’d realize later it’s because he was already seeing someone new and thought perhaps therapy would help carry me through the hurdles and transitions that lay ahead and would lessen his own personal obligation to me. I grieved my marriage of 8 years – not because I loved him. I did, but it was a somewhat forced affection for the man who presented as a ‘safer’ choice. When I met him, I was on a very dangerous, self-destructive journey, and I think to marry him was a choice I needed to make in order to force a direction that didn’t lead to my complete downfall. I grieved the familiarity more than I did anything else – I sobbed over the loss of not just a marriage, but also of the idea that stability existed for me. I eventually found love – the head-over-heels kind that I thought was the case the first time around. I found this with my best friend – another survivor. It is never a nice thing to hear – a loved one having been through their own trauma, but in our case, it made it all the easier to comfort one another and hold each other up when needed. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary this past winter. Through therapy, self-reflection and in realizing the true definition of a healthy relationship, I’ve come to realize that I am not a survivor of just rape and potentially of child sexual abuse – I’m also a survivor of the more ‘silent’ type of domestic violence – although my husband never raised a hand to me in anger, there was mental, emotional and verbal abuse and there was behavior that could be defined as gaslighting. It took many years, but I am finally understanding there is more to my story that originally put forth, things I’ve never said, and that I’m now needing to add to the previously presented version, if only for the sake of being accurate on where I stand now and why. So basically, after further thought on how to re-introduce my story, or at least, an updated, uncensored version of it, I’ve decided that it needs to be written in three installments. To explain, there are three very significant junctures within my life that I have realized are all connected and contribute to the woman you know today. The first installment will discuss - in depth - my childhood. It’s hard for me, in hindsight, to pinpoint exactly when I was first abused. Unlike the trauma I experienced in 1996, (this will be the second installment) I have zero memory of the point in my childhood where something went terribly wrong. I have written bits and pieces of what I do remember; in blog entries and in postings, but I will attempt to elaborate on things a little more clearly in this first installment. I am sure this will be the shortest one. For now, anyway. Perhaps at some point, there will be an addendum to it, should things ever come to light. I’ve shared with very few people what I suspect happened based on behaviors of mine that, as an adult, I recognize as being problematic. I have been holding onto some very broken, fragmented memories and tiny little snippets that cannot prove anything, as well as the belief that if I couldn’t remember, then it likely didn’t exist. Now, years later, while those childhood incidents have never been confirmed, I cannot deny there was something VERY wrong and that they were not handled the way they should have been. Although my mother, who was not my suspected abuser, is a key player in this particular time period, several people failed me. Several. My second installment will likely be the hardest of the three – for I feel that whenever I’ve recalled the events of October 4th, 1996, I’ve taken care to omit a lot of the grisly details as a means of sugar-coating and perhaps protecting both myself and whomever was listening. We all have our own personal reasons for doing so, and I’m no different. A friend recently confided in me that she felt ‘crazy’ for having the desire to get into all of the ‘nitty-gritty’ details – who on earth would even want to read that? It’s not crazy, though – it makes perfect sense to me. You see, we as survivors do not just remember the condensed version of our story that we might prefer to share with others for the time being – most of us remember the details more than anything else. We remember the things that were said to us that we’d never repeat. We remember what was done, we remember what we were thinking during the moment. We remember the fear, the pain, the shame. These are things we don’t really talk about – especially the shame bits. Too often, it’s because of shame that we try to avoid these details, some of which are very important to take the time to try to understand how they’ve affected us in the long term. The third and final installment deals with life after 1996. See, I truly thought my story ended there, as that was a more obvious trauma, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. Trauma does not always have an exclamation point – it sometimes is silent. This third installment will discuss those very things that were not quite as obvious to me – things I’ve only recently learned to recognize and give a name to. Things I’ve had to admit to myself as being yet another truth that I’d been denying existed for ages. Things I’ve had to reluctantly accept, even if it meant adding another form of abuse that I’ve experienced to a list that already seemed long. Along with this story comes that sad realization that there are still many side effects of the eight years that I was married that I still struggle with today - and that domestic violence is the main culprit. Friends - trauma leaves marks. No two marks are the same, but regardless, they are lasting and they’re impossible to erase, ignore or scrub away. So, rather than try to conceal these marks any further, I’ve decided to highlight them and to attempt to explain why they’re there – to myself, most of all, as I’ve realized that it’s mostly me who’s been in denial for all of these years and it’s time to transition into acceptance. I will be posting the installments here, and in the Share Your Story forum when I’m finished typing them up. It hasn’t been easy to hold myself to task and to write all of this out – especially while juggling life as I know it…family, house, kids, pets, school stuff - and I imagine some of it will be hard for you to read, too – especially those of you who have taken the time to get to know me. I imagine that now, you’ll REALLY know me. And surprisingly, while that scared the life out of me at one point, I’m now okay with that. I welcome any thoughts, feedback, well wishes and kind words via comments or PMs. Although I am not very good at asking for it, I will admit that I am needing periodic doses of encouragement as well as the reassurance that I am being heard as I struggle to reflect, analyze and interpret not only one voice, but three different ones as they each tell their stories. In closing, I wish to thank in advance, those of you who read beyond this introduction. I am hopeful that this not only serves as a reminder that while trauma affects us all in different ways, we are all actually very similar in the respect that we’re not alone in how we think, how we learned to stay silent in the first place, and most importantly, how we ALL deserve to heal. All my love, - Capulet

Thank you so much, @Amsekhmet - I have seen SO much growth in myself since coming back from a lengthy hiatus a couple years ago. It truly helps me to have ingrained myself back into this community and to have the support of the folks here who have gotten to know me and who have always, even if unaware of it, motivated me and encouraged me to be a better version of myself. Not sure about bravery/courage - feeling a lot of mixed feelings about it all and it's hard to specifically pick those two out of the mix, but at the very least, I'm hoping to be brave enough to post the intro later. Thanks again, sending huggles! - Cap

@goldraindrops Thank you so much!!!! Knowing that my friends are close by and are holding my hand through all of it (even if just mentally) truly does help this process. All of it. It makes perfect sense about the sleepless nights. Thank you. I needed that reminder! Although this weekend has been full of activity (nothing fun, sadly, my 'activity' consisted of some yard work and walking/jogging around a track near the house) I did manage to write up a little something - somewhat of a prologue/introduction of what is coming in three additional installments. I'm just putting the finishing touches on that and will likely be posting it early next week. My standing OCD is preventing me from posting it before I've read it over a hundred times - and until I've applied any and all necessary tweaks before doing so. Man, telling your story isn't for the faint of heart! I AM tired, though. I think sleep will be a little more forthcoming tonight. My body hurts, but I have to blame that on the amount of mowing I did! Hoping your weekend is going well!! Love, Cap

Hi, @rokcsjl - welcome to After Silence! I am so saddened to hear of the trauma you've experienced. I am however, hopeful that being here will provide clarity on whatever it is that you are unclear or fuzzy on, as well as comfort and healing. You are in a very safe place and we're happy to 'meet' you!!! All the best, Capulet

Hello there, @Two of Us and a very warm welcome to you both to After Silence. I'm so sorry to learn that both you and your daughter have experienced trauma. I think it's truly fortunate that you and your daughter have each other to hold each other's hands through this healing path - there's truly nothing better than having someone at your side, who understands. I'm very glad you've found us, though. This is truly a wonderful community filled with very kind, supportive souls and we're happy to have you. Neither of you are alone. I thank you in advance for the support you will provide as well - I absolutely agree that the sharing of your thoughts and experiences and feedback will be of great benefit to others who may be in the same boat!! Maybe someday in the future, your daughter will become comfortable with having her own account. When that day arrives, please let me know and I am happy to help her register. Again, AS welcomes you. You'll be hearing from a member of our Newbie Support Team very soon. Until then, please take your time to look around and if you have any questions or need help with anything, I'm just a shout away. All the best, Capulet

Thank you, AKB!!!! The throat-punch on my behalf is very much appreciated. She'll not see it coming, that's for sure. I agree, it's a transformation. That's a good term to use for it. It's been a gradual change all along, but I've finally reached a point in this process where the changes are more noticeable, and, at times, uncomfortable. All part of the process, I suppose, but better now than never. Sending hugs back!!

Hello, @brokenchild and welcome (back) to After Silence. I am sorry you're struggling with PTSD and and that you're needing the extra support right now, but am glad you've come back to a community where you know it will be given freely and without hesitation. If there's anything you need, please feel free to give me a shout. In the meantime, do take your time looking around and re-familiarizing yourself with the site. We might have redecorated a little bit, but we're still the same awesome safe place we've always been. Have a great day! - Capulet

Hello, everyone! I am hoping this finds you all well. While I am doing fine health-wise, I'm not doing so great with my sleeping. There are some days when I think I've got it all under control and then there are other days when I revert back to what has grown to be all too familiar. While food shopping last week, I found a bottle of NyQuil that is set to expire in three months - it was marked down to $2, so I grabbed it. I have it sitting on my desk as a reminder to go to sleep when the clock passes 2-3am. It sometimes hits 4 before I'll feel tired. Ideally, I'd want to take a swig before 2, but if I'm not feeling 'tired' enough, I'll wait another hour...or two....or three? And then, before I know it, I'm first falling asleep at 4-5am and waking up at 11. That's, of course, on the days I DON'T have my kids here and don't have to worry about getting the daughter up for school. Those nights, I could EASILY not sleep at all and make do with a four-hour nap when she's boarded her bus. What's that, you say? Insomnia's a thing? Really? Hmmm. That's what I have, then - no doubt! So, a little update for you all as I know it's been a while since my last one. (I know. I'm sorry.) First off, I'm officially a student!!!! *insert horns and sirens and whooping noises here!* Last week, I registered for fifteen credits' worth of classes at the University. There's DEFINITELY no turning back, now. My classes start on 8/26 and if all goes well, I'm set to graduate in 2021; with my bachelor's in hand. Most of my credits from 20 years ago have been transferred and there are only a small handful of classes that I have to re-take, that feed into the Social Work major that my previous credits will not satisfy - so there's American Government and then there's a Statistics class that I'm TRULY not looking forward to. My son is going to be taking that very same class, only at a different time slot (he'll literally be arriving when I'm leaving!) and it might be helpful if we could study together. I'm HORRIBLE with numbers - this is something I've unfortunately passed down to both my children, apparently - my daughter is wrapping up seventh grade with all A's and B's but with one C in Math! I admittedly still count on my fingers on some simple addition and subtraction problems!!! Math is just not me, not at all. Statistics is going to be a nightmare, but hopefully the Son and I can hold each other up through it. LOL. The Oompa came with me to register. Being a retired teacher, anything school-related gets her giddy. Plus, she never really had the opportunity to join me when I did this the first time around - so I allowed her to tag along on registration day, so she could feel in the slightest bit needed. I will admit, it was good to have an extra pair of ears along with me, in case I needed them. We met with my academic advisor, who so happens to be the chairman of the Social Work department, as well as one of my professors for one of the introduction to Social Work classes that I'll be taking. So, it was very nice to meet him and get a feel for how he speaks. We all know that any Oompa visit isn't without drama or bullshit. A couple times, I wanted to smack my mother in the mouth. The first comment came while we were waiting to speak with the academic advisor - we were seated outside his office. She asked if I was going to go for my master's. I told her that I didn't want to think that far ahead. I wanted my bachelor's in Social Work and then I wanted to focus on getting myself work. Here's the comment: "And you'll make nothing." It's not about the money, I told her. We all know my reasons for pursuing this field and it's certainly not something I wanted to get into with her. Not now, not ever. I didn't have to, though. She shut up for two reasons - one - the student that was visiting with the academic advisor before us was now leaving, and two, I think she sensed that I wanted to punch her in the throat and felt it was wise to shut her mouth. We had a meeting with the professor/academic advisor and the second comment came while we were walking across campus, making our way over to the bookstore. She spoke to him, though. "Can I ask you something, as a concerned parent?" Oh, here we fucking go.... "Do you think my daughter's disability will make it harder for her to find a job in this field? Do you think she'll run into discrimination?" She actually asked this to the man who was going to be my freaking professor. If I was gonna be able to find a job or if I was just wasting my time. She didn't word it that way, but it's even more clear, she doesn't want me to become a Social Worker. I believe she wants me to become a teacher, or go into Education or to become an educator or mentor for the deaf, something I don't have any desire or passion for - I am not a school person - never was. I'm only finishing school because I've finally got a desire to do something specific and I need the degree. Personal experience doesn't count, apparently. So, why the hell would I want to go into Education???? Why would I want to follow in my mother's footsteps??? I've been trying to run the other way for years! The professor probably couldn't believe the audacity and ignorance of her question either. He somewhat blinked. "Well, we have laws in place against discrimination..." You'd think my mother, the retired EDUCATOR, knew that. She was effectively shut down, though - see, I am of the belief that she wanted him to turn around and say, 'you're absolutely right, maybe Social Work isn't in your daughter's best interests..." but when she didn't hear that, she shut up again. And for good. Possibly because this was where we parted ways with the professor - I told him I was looking forward to meeting him as one of his students in the Fall. And I am. I'm all the more determined to make his class my BEST class (it helps that it's not statistics or history related, it actually has to do with what I am majoring in!) and to show him myself that I'm not the dummy my mother basically cast me out to be. I thank whoever's calling the shots upstairs - (I don't like using 'God,') - that my mother, the social butterfly, had a concert to attend with one of her friends that night and she had to head out immediately following the registration. I think, had I been subjected to more time with her, I would have unleashed on her my anger over WHY she constantly continues to draw attention to my disability - why she keeps inadvertently reminding me that it's a limitation, a reason I might not succeed at something, a reason people would discriminate against me. I cannot understand, why she continues to allow my deafness to define me, who I am. This is one of the things that angers me the most today, one of those things that I have struggled with for all of my life and that I STILL grapple with. My hearing impairment has indeed contributed to a LOT my trauma. I've been slowly realizing that it ALWAYS comes back to it. It contributes to my social issues, too, and there's SO much more to it than Oompa even realizes, but that, I'll take the blame for. That's my fault. I've never told her. Why? Because I'm not heartless. She's proud. I know she is. I am her masterpiece. She's proud that her early intervention is what I can honestly thank for getting me onto the right track. It was because of that early intervention that I am able to speak, I am able to function as if there were no disability. She did that. She pushed, she prodded, she poked. She was a pain in my ass for pretty much ALL of my childhood and formative years, and I DO owe her credit for that. I don't have the heart to show her where she's fallen short. I figure it's more important for me to know for myself where those shortcomings are, and a kindness to her to keep them to myself. While I'll not be able to explain all of that to my mother in detail, I can certainly do so here. I'm not hurting any feelings by doing so. I'm able to speak more freely here - I've always felt that way. On that note, I've begun the undertaking of telling my story. ALL of it. I know there are bits and pieces here and there, and some of you know some of the puzzle pieces already through my posts and blog entries. I'm able to pull out a few smaller pieces at a time, talk on it, and then I toss it back into the box because it's not needed beyond that. I've realized that my story is scattered, it's all over the place, and it's because I've never really taken the time to write all of it out, from start to finish, and to analyze any and all of those little traits and quirks of mine that I've learned to adopt as 'normal,' even if they are not seen as such by someone who cannot relate. I've been tossing the pieces back into the box rather than connecting them all and showing the bigger picture. So, I've been spending the last couple of weeks writing. Not here, obviously. It is currently being drafted via MS Word and I admit I've neglected this blog for a little while - and I apologize for that. I hope to make up for it by posting my story here, too, when I'm finished. It will likely come in three installments. I've done a lot of thinking over the last several weeks - and have come to realize that I don't just have one story. There are three very obvious junctures in my life, all with very different, but equally damaging situations. All three points in my life are contributors to who I am now, who I've learned to be. These are moments that, if I devote enough time to thinking about, will provide the answers to questions that I've recently had to re-ask myself as I begin the next chapters in my life. I suppose, in a way, I am restarting. I don't know if that's even the right term for what I'm doing. I can't say I am picking up where I left off, because I didn't leave off in a good place - I left off at a point where everything derailed and from there, my life took all of these unexpected turns and twists and I lost track of who I was and where I was going in the process. I guess the right term will come to me later, but for now, I'm sticking with that. I'm determined to get these installments out before school starts on the 26th of August - and they'll be posted here as well as in a more follow-able format in Share Your Story. I'm determined, but somewhat nervous at the same time. Like I said, I've told my story before, but I've never really told it in entirety. I've left out details, I've sugar coated enough to send whoever was listening into a diabetic coma. It is the first time that I am able to tell these stories without being afraid of what others may think, of being judged, of being criticized, of being told my feelings, thoughts, and reactions weren't normal. Yes, it is being done here, from within a community where there is no fear of these things, but it's indeed a start. Rome was not built in a day, and my story will not reach beyond its intended audience until much later. I just feel ready now, to begin writing it and sharing it with whomever would like to truly understand me. I don't know that I'll have this desire later, nor if I'll have the time, so while the motivation is there, I'm taking myself to task. I am sure this writing I've set out to do, too, is a contributor to not being able to sleep - I'm in the middle of some pretty hard stuff and am finding myself opening the word document only to close it after adding one or two sentences here and there. This isn't easy by a long shot. But I'm thinking that once the hardest parts are written, then I can focus on somewhat of 'cool down' writing - focus on writing about the harder stuff in the daytime and the milder thoughts in the evenings...I'll force myself to Ny-Quil no later than 1, be in bed by 1:30....set my alarm for 8 or 9am and eliminate the naps. It's a plan, anyway! When school starts, I'll need to have this routine down pat as my first class will begin at 9am daily. Perhaps subconsciously, it's why I'm trying to focus on the harder details now as opposed to when I will have less time to sift through it all and give it the attention it deserves. So...there's that. Other than the above mentioned, there really aren't many things to report as happening in my life. The Son has been finished with classes for a while and the daughter's last day of seventh grade is tomorrow. The next few weeks are going to be insane as during the first week in July, they both become another year older (19 and 13) and we will have family coming in for the celebrating and festivities, and of course, the anticipated drama that I'll likely be posting in my next entry. (That is, providing my next entry isn't the first installment!) I hope all is well with everybody. Until later, - Capulet

Welcome to After Silence, @Soccergirl81 - Katherine, I'm sorry to learn you are a long-time survivor of trauma and that you are having trouble sleeping. You have found a very safe community and there is never going to be a shortage of support from others. You're not alone! Please don't worry about sharing too much at once - that is not encouraged nor pushed, here. We would rather you take your time and become familiar with the way the site works and with other members, first. We look forward to getting to know you, whenever you are comfortable! A Newbie Support Team member will be sending you an official welcome message, shortly. Until then, please know that if you need any help or have any questions about the site, I am just a shout away. Again, welcome. We are happy to have you. Best wishes, Capulet

Hi @feralcat - Welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry to learn you have trauma in your background, but am hoping that you will take comfort in knowing that you have found a truly supportive community in AS. It is truly a freeing feeling to release some of what you have been holding onto for so long - and although I do not know you very well, yet, I'm proud of you for taking this truly gigantic step toward healing! You should be contacted by a member of our Newbie Support Team shortly. Until then, if you need any assistance, I'm just a shout away. Again, welcome. Happy to have you among us and looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet

Welcome to AS! Wishing you all the best and hoping our wonderful community can be a helpful resource. My best wishes to you, - Capulet

@moongoddess - I'm well - thank you so much for asking! Sending safe hugs, if you want them! Maybe!!! I'm a longtime member. I did take a hiatus for a while before coming back. I don't think there is any limit to the support you can gain from being here, so I'm glad you came back when you felt you needed to. There is nothing wrong with needing the extra connection - especially when you know you can count on there being someone on the other end who is in the same boat. You are always welcome. Very glad you are away from your abuser. The distance does make all the difference in the world! It's good to know you are safe now and that you're not contending with any physical threats! Hoping your weekend is going well. If you need anything, I'm just a shout away. - Cap

Welcome, @moongoddess - glad to hear that you're still continuing down the path to healing - that's always hard to do, but you're doing it - that's what matters!!! I'd love to hear how things are different for you now as I am also looking at things from a different perspective these days as opposed to two decades ago. Take good care, and welcome back. As Mary has said, you'll run into many new faces, but we're still the same supportive community! Best wishes, Capulet

Hi @VLX600 - Welcome to After Silence!!!! Congratulations on your first post. And congratulations on starting therapy - that is a very big, brave step to take! Yes, you will find lots of support here. After Silence is a truly wonderful community and the members are very kind and caring. We are a safe, loving space and we sincerely welcome you. You will receive a message shortly from one of our Newbie Support Team members who will best be able to assist with ANY questions or concerns with navigating the site. Or, of course - I am just a holler away. - Capulet