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About Capulet

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    It takes more effort to hate than it does to love.

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  1. Hello my friends...hoping each of you are having a lovely day! I've had a draining couple of days, so please, please (with fat free whipped cream on top) forgive me for not updating this sooner. Fear not, though - I've spent some time thinking up actual blog-worthy topics non-related to my kids (although they may be mentioned from time to time) or my current weight-loss journey. All I'll say about the latter, though, is last week, I only dropped. One. Stinking. Pound. Perhaps that can be attributed to my binge on chicken wings the other night, or it could very well be due to not drinking as much water as I did the week before. I did vent to Oompa and she assured me that 'the check is in the mail.' For once, I'm going to trust her and listen to her - not because she IS right a small percentage of the time, but because I'm down 12.6 pounds in three weeks - this isn't a bad thing. It's slow and frustrating when the numbers aren't rolling back as quickly but the weight is STILL coming off. And I have to remember, I ate my chicken wings and had pizza two days in a row last week and STILL lost that one stinking pound. Okay, enough about that. That weigh-in update is only there because of my once-a-week promise - no one wants to hear about these things in every blog post. Now, moving onto other possible topics that I want to share my thoughts on. I've been seeing a lot of things posted recently, a lot of things that I can definitely relate to and as part of my own healing process, feel the occasional need to discuss. I'll call it, 'maintenance.' I define maintenance as simply touching up on these things before it builds up into something more severe, something that eventually I'll slap myself in the back of the head for not having dealt with sooner. Note, these are not things that I am currently struggling with - I honestly can't say I've been struggling with anything abuse or sexual assault related in years. However, once in a great while, things tap me on the shoulder and remind me they're still there - but usually, I'll respond with, 'yes, I know you're still here. I've got too much going on with my life right now, and I'm not going to give you any thought right now.' And it goes away, for a little while. It never disappears completely, and that's actually okay with me. I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect existence; we've all got our demons. Some of us are just better at completely ignoring these demons in order to function while others have their daily battles. I like to think I'm somewhere in between - and being 'in-betweener,' isn't something that I consider to be a weakness at all - it just reminds me of the fact that we're all just trying to get through life, we all have our methods, we all have our ways of coping. But it also reminds me - I've got shit that pops up from time to time and there's never, ever going to be a time when maintenance is not needed. I'm going to also say that happened to me has made me stronger. It's taught me more about myself, about LIFE than any schooling ever did. Some things I cannot remember nor make sense of, but I'm able to, at this point, understand why I'm feeling a certain way, even in some cases, recognize the reasons for my own reactions. So...I'm going to keep working on lists of things to discuss in depth - shout out to those of you who have posted about these things recently - it's possible you inspired me. For now though, here are a few things for you to look forward to in future upcoming blogs. - I'm going to talk about (sexuality) labels and why I don't feel that they apply to me, or to anyone else. However, know this - if someone else is accepting of their label, I am one hundred percent supportive of that, because my thoughts on it are not going to match everyone else's. I'm mostly sharing my own perspective on this. I've been asked what I consider myself. Am I gay, straight, bisexual? The short answer to this is - none of the above. The long answer will be revealed later. - I'm going to compose a letter to three of the main abusers in my life, possibly four. And, I'd like to warn everyone - I'm not going to be very nice. So when you see that particular blog entry, please do proceed with caution and know that it WILL likely be triggering. Because things like that, well...there's no sugarcoating. It's pure unfiltered anger, and I'm going to allow myself to be angry. I'm going to put it all right here where it belongs, and direct it toward those who deserve it. My thinking is - I've held it in for far too long and it's an important piece of maintenance that SHOULD be done far more often than I've done it. - I'm going to talk about the old me vs. the me I am today. I'm going to have a little trouble with this one since I have suspicions of CSA having occurred when I was a child; things I cannot remember too clearly now and only have fragmented memories to support these suspicions. These suspicions didn't start until I was an adult, so my time-line is now a huge question mark. I was originally dealing with the before and after the SA that occurred in 1996, now I'm not sure if the 'after' began much sooner than that. Was I ever normal? (Don't answer that, I know it's wide open, but...ya know...) I welcome your thoughts, too - if there's something you'd like to hear my take on, please, please don't hold back and hit the comment link. You'd be giving my already-tired brain a little bit of a break from thinking. - Capulet
  2. Not every post has to be about food or kids. Okay, not MY kids, anyway. So...ya remember my sister? The one married to a jerk? In previous blog entries, we referred to her as #1. Well, that sister's water broke last night at around 8pm. I was at Monday night bowling and heard from Oompa that she was meeting my sister and brother-in-law at the hospital. I stayed up all night long - I did trudge over to the bed around three-thirty this morning, but the anticipation of my niece's impending arrival effectively kept me from the deep sleep that renders me functional for the remainder of the day, so please forgive any run-on sentences or other grammatical errors. I'm not all here today and I'm a bit zombie-ish, but still wanted to share with everyone some very wonderful news. My niece arrived this morning at 6:44am after 10 hours of waiting and countless texts between Oompa and I. Oompa was there before and during the birth and for the cutting of the cord. My brother-in-law doesn't do well in hospital rooms, so my mother was, for the second time, able to witness the birth of her fifth grandchild. Both my sister and the baby are doing just fine. Brother-in-law also doing fine. I took a nap as soon as the first picture came through. She's adorable. Full head of hair. Big, round, alert eyes. Teeny-tiny little fingers. Swaddled in the new-baby blanket that every single hospital in the United States has a patent on. And the little pink hat they put on her head to keep her warm. Those widdle, teensy toes, too! My uterus is tingling, guys. Oh, my God. Not too much, though. It'll pass. I just SO miss when mine were that small. The thought of nibbling on their toes NOW, at their ages, truly sickens me and simply wouldn't be right. LOL. I'll just enjoy being an Aunt. If we're counting my Godchild, we'll say I've now got three beautiful nieces and my one nephew. All are happy, in good health and I couldn't ask for more. I am very, very blessed, indeed. - Capulet
  3. Who else is pulling an all-nighter? (Don't worry, it's for a happy reason!)  :clap:

    1. Beamcam


      I am too  not so happy though 

    2. Capulet


      Sorry, hun!  Will be around if you want to ping the mobile.  I'm a little cloudy today but always have time for a friend.  :throb:

  4. Intro

    Hello, Kax and welcome to AS! While I am sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you to our supportive haven, I do hope you are happy with what you find here and are able to find comfort in knowing you are certainly not alone. Best wishes, Capulet
  5. Hey!

    Hey, hey! It's nice to meet you, too! We're happy to have you and I hope being here brings you eventual peace! You are definitely not alone! Welcome to AS! Capulet
  6. Just some hangry hollering!

    @May_Sullivan_, you're right! It's actually been recommended that Apple Cider Vinegar be added to drinking water (1-2 teaspoons maybe) as a daily supplement. It's also a staple in my pantry - a lot of the marinades I use call for 1/4 cup of vinegar, either the regular white or the Apple Cider variety, doesn't matter. But it does help improve tastiness!
  7. I have been eating chicken. A WHOLE lot of chicken. Every. Single. Day. Oh, and eggs. Lots of eggs. You'd think the eggs were being laid by the chickens I'm eating. A typical morning for me is something like this: Get up. Go through the pantry. End up skipping breakfast. (I know, it's not recommended but I do it because what else is there to eat but eggs!?) Oh, and do you know how many points is in a wee cup of cereal and also for the milk you'll put into the bowl??? I don't think I have enough points in a day to waste them before noon! Sometimes I'll take a nap in the morning so that I don't have to actually put anything into my stomach until lunch time. By then, I'm noticeably 'hangry.' After going through the pantry for the second time on any given day around noon (because, really, you never know, the Food Fairy SOMETIMES puts something tempting in there while I'm napping) it's usually an egg salad sandwich that I end up making myself and eating. I take teeny-tiny bites out of that sandwich; even though by now I'm hungry enough to be done with that meal in sixty seconds flat. I savor every bite - because I'm telling myself that even though I'm still going to be hungry after my lunch, I have enough 'points' left to have a nice dinner that will satisfy. I can have some rice, I can have pasta, of course, there's almost ALWAYS something to do with chicken for dinner. So, this is the problem I'm running into, now. Chicken, particularly white meat, is considered a "free" food. I can stuff my face with as much lean chicken as I want, but of course, have to allow for the points used in order to prepare it. (For example, if you sauté it in oil, you have to count the point for the oil, if you marinate it in some sort of sauce, you count the sauce's points. But the eggs and the chicken, providing it's white meat, boneless and skinless, are both free proteins!) What the hell do I do when I get tired of chicken...and eggs!? I'm not thinking eating this many eggs is in any way good for my cholesterol! But I'm quickly approaching the point where I want to swear off both of these for a while. There's only so many things you can do with eggs (including teaching myself to effectively make a frittata) and the chicken is rapidly becoming something I'm liking less and less. I want something different, SO badly. I've told myself that I'll allow myself a red meat one night a week, as a treat. I have a frozen steak in the freezer for sometime this week. I'm just afraid of falling off that damn wagon that I've spent the last month trying to stay atop. It was recently the Chinese New Year - I would have LOVED to ring in the year of the Dog with some fine Asian cuisine, but the amount of MSG used in their (SO SO tasty) dishes is not going to agree with me when the time comes to step onto (and likely cuss out) the scale on Wednesday. Yeah. I'm not really expecting an answer to this little outburst; just being able to sit here and vent is sometimes helpful. Not just about the things I can't change, because there are plenty of those! But about these little things that I know I CAN change with a little on-screen thinking aloud. I mean, I'm sitting here saying, "Jesus, Capulet, no one told you to go on a diet, no one wants to hear you talk about food woes!" But at the same time, I'm asking myself...what AM I going to do about it? If it's not food I have to complain about, it's something else. Every single one of us has something to deal with. Something that pisses them off on a daily basis. Something that makes them question, something that makes them angry. Talking about things, even if I'm not doing it verbally, helps me to put into perspective what I'm feeling and I thank you all for listening, if you've gotten this far. THAT helps. So, anyway....a little while ago, I just got back inside from hangry-shoveling...we had about two inches of snow last night. The daughter and son have gone back to their father's house and J is not home. So the big-ass driveway we have got a walloping with the shovel and I have to properly thank the sun for shining today, it made the job a whole lot easier. So...at least I got some exercise in the process. My back will probably be screaming at me in the morning, regardless. And, while I was getting my shoveling done, I made myself a little proposition for tonight's dinner. Tonight, I'm making chicken (what a surprise!!!!) but am making BBQ chicken wings. This is not a 'free' meal as the wings have skin and bones but it's a small treat for yours truly considering the 'same ol,' is getting extremely tiresome. My better half is on a double shift. And so, that's my plan and my reward to myself. Chicken wings and maybe a side salad. Plus, they'll be baked in the oven and not fried so they won't kill the diet. As a parting note, if anyone would like to come and prepare unique meals for me and listen to me whine and complain, I'll repay the kindness with hugs and a lifetime's worth of gratitude. Must know how to be creative with chicken and must be skillful at omelette-making. I also have a spare bedroom when Oompa's not here. A full collection of Blu-rays. What I don't have though, is junk food. You'll have to bring your own. Furthermore, feel free to send me any chicken breast recipes - even if there's a lot of "no no" foods (butter, oils, etc) used, I can perhaps modify them some with their diet-friendly counterparts. I'm having my water now (that's yet another thing - need to come up with more interesting things to drink. I haven't had more than one or two soda cans in the last week and the caffeine headaches are becoming more frequent!) and relaxing before it's time to prep the wings. Hope everyone's Sunday is going well. Love to all of you beautiful people! And thank you. It means a great deal to know that y'all are out there. - Capulet
  8. Oh, please - won't someone enlighten me on how to get rid of the marching band making its way through my cranium right now? :blink:  

  9. I'm new here, so hi

    Hi NorthernGypsy! Welcome to AS. Yep, this is an amazing place. I hope it is exactly what you've been looking for in order to heal. I've been here for a very long time, but had a long break in between! If you need help with anything, feel free to give a shout. Otherwise, do look around and make yourself comfortable. AS has a lot to offer. Best wishes, Capulet
  10. Weightless

    Today's Wednesday...weigh-in day! Which means, update day!!!!!! Yay, aren't we all excited? (Although I'll try and blog more often about stuff other than my diet woes or kids.) I had a few choice words for the scale this morning, but it will live to see another week. See, I lost 1.6, which isn't bad considering we (J and I) had our Valentine's Day date on Monday night. We went to the local Red Lobster - and everything I ordered/ate was counted in my point total. Lemme tell ya, it took me about twenty minutes to eat a single Cheddar Bay Biscuit because those fucking things are six points each. Instead of finishing the biscuit in one bite, I'm using a fork to break off teeny-tiny little pieces of it...praaaaise the man or woman who invented those things. Why the hell do they have to be SO damn good, so tasty, so worth it..??? Oh, and my fish was grilled, I omitted the butter from the lobster tail and instead dipped the lobster meat into the scampi sauce. I did my calculating as best as I could. I definitely went over my daily allotted points, but still, I'm allowed to do that every once in a while. I have to also remember that I'm not going to lose 10 pounds a week. That's just not realistic, as much as I wish it was. Weight loss will slow down. I just hoped it would slow down a little bit later. It's just further proof that the majority of that 10 pounds was water weight. We also didn't have any snow this week, so there was no busting my ass shoveling the driveway = no cardio. "Fine, you can stay this week," I said to the evil scale. "But if I don't lose at least two full pounds next week, out the windah you go!" So... I slept like ass last night. No idea why. I'm not triggered, I'm not dealing with any added stress. It's just the day-to-day BS that by now has become the norm. I'm also not even tired. When you're not tired, you don't sleep, right? My kids have been trying to tell me that for years. And for years, I didn't give a rat's ass; if I was tired, they went to sleep regardless of whether or not I went to bed. Now, though, the Son has become a night owl like me; the Daughter is still young enough to force into her bed at a decent hour. For a while, I've gotten myself used to a 'swig' before bed; we pick up a bottle of the generic NyQuil whenever we hit up the neighborhood Wal-Mart. I'm not as bad as J is, though - she swigs EVERY NIGHT. I swig on the nights following a night like last night. I swig when I absolutely need to sleep, or else I become that cranky old lady nobody wants to be around. I'm moody, I'm hangry (anyone else use that word?) and I'm overall annoyed. So, I do see a swig in my near future although I've been trying to avoid using "help" to fall asleep. Because today, I AM tired! Last weekend at some point, I had a dream that I have from time to time, for as long as I can remember. It's one of my reoccurring ones. It's not really a nightmare, it's just annoying. I keep telling myself it means something, but honestly, there are too many question marks surrounding this one. I may have posted about this, years ago, but nothing's changed. I'm still having this ridiculous dream...seriously, I'd rather be dreaming of much more pleasant things, like the food I'm never going to be able to enjoy again without having some guilt. In it, I'm confronted by someone (I can't see a face, nor can I identify who this is, in any other way.) I have a feeling, though, that it is a man. The same way when we dream, we know things, we're afforded a depth of understanding that we can't otherwise explain. Anyway, this is a man and he's in some way, threatening me. Even if he is not touching me in my dream, I feel as if I'm in danger and I need to defend myself. So I clench my fists. I want to hit him. I have the opportunity to hit him. And so, I attempt to strike him, as hard as I can, because I want to hurt him just enough. But for some reason, I cannot. It's almost as if an invisible force prevents me from taking a swing. Instead, it is a slo-mo, ineffective punch that does absolutely nothing to my enemy. Have you ever punched straight forward, just an air punch that doesn't necessarily land anywhere? Now, try doing the same thing underwater. That's exactly how it feels. Held back, restrained. Limited. Weightless. I'm seeing the image of the cartoon hammer that just goes limp in the hand; ha ha, you're not hurting anyone with THAT! In some instances, I try and flee. But that feels as if I'm underwater too. My legs don't move quickly enough and I'm weak, weak, weak. So, no success with running, either. And then I wake up, feeling as if I've lost. I've been defeated. Hundreds of times, every single time I have this dream, whether there's running involved or it stops at my attempts to attack the person I feel is threatening me. This make any sense to anyone? Anyone else ever have a dream like this? About to make my lunch now. I'm having hangry tendencies. Until later. - Capulet
  11. Older member, but I'm back :)

    Welcome back! I, too, am an oldie but reconnected with the site and wonderful people I have met here after some time away. It was a much needed hiatus as a lot of changes were implemented in my life. So, we understand! Glad you're back and you are doing well! Capulet
  12. Who's still up?

    This girl. 

    No particular reason.  

    So....hi! :)

    1. oceonwaves


      still up too.:) :zzz:

    2. Field8


      I'm up also

    3. Free2Fly


      Just woke up from nightmares... so hello although your probably all asleep now lol missed this bus.

  13. Hi

    Hi, I don't think there's ever been anything withheld here at AS - I've seen many different types of ramblings in the time I've been here. I understand that there's often a lot on one's chest, and I've always had the motto, 'better out than in!' This is why we're advised to put up a trigger warning if you're about to post something that may be difficult for another struggling member to read; we should all proceed at our own risk at all times but it does help to have an idea of what you'd like to discuss before we read a post...this way, someone can decide whether or not they would like to read your post now or save it for when they are in a better frame of mind. There is also the private messaging feature; if you feel you want to discuss something privately, you can always send a message to someone. You simply hover over their screen name and on the bottom left of the little box, there's a 'message' icon. ;) But don't keep everything bottled up inside...that's not healthy at all! Yes, absolutely post when you're ready and only when you're ready! But if there's something pressing that you think we can help with, just use your trigger warning and you're golden. (Put it in your post title, along with a brief description of what you feel may trigger...for example: Trigger warning: self injury, etc.) As you look around the site and navigate the boards, you'll see a lot of these. Again, welcome, I hope you'll find you are in a safe place! Capulet
  14. Hi

    Hello! Welcome to AS. You are certainly not alone here; you are among a fantastic community of friends and while I am so sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, I hope you will find you will have an abundance of support. We are all in different places in our healing journeys, but this is a great place to start. Best wishes. Capulet