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About Capulet

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    It takes more effort to hate than it does to love.

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  1. Hello, @Sobieski!!! Welcome to After Silence! Wishing you all the best in your journey of healing! Best wishes, Capulet
  2. Welcome, Elizabeth! I'm so glad you are safe, now. I hope you find peace, comfort, friendship and healing, here. All the best, Cap
  3. I was walking the dog in the front yard yesterday afternoon. The Daughter, who's been attending school remotely 3x per week (the other two days, she is IN the actual brick-and-mortar school) came out and said she was finished with her last class (it was about 2:45pm) and in a sing-songy voice, she says, "it's the weeeeeeeeekend!" I suppose it is. TGIF? At the time I started writing this, it was still Friday. She then tilted her head towards the heavens, and smiled. "I can smell it." I looked at the dog. Had he taken a shit and she'd stepped in it? Negative. No dog shit. I sniffed. Maybe a neighbor was barbecuing? Maybe someone had a fire pit going? The smell of burning wood IS one that I like - but nope. I smelled nothing. Nothing at all. If not for me smelling the dog's ACTUAL poop that morning, I'd have started sniffing everything that was possible to sniff - just to make sure that I wasn't sick - during the wifey's and my COVID experience in April, we'd both lost our sense of smell for nearly a week. When I was certain I'd smelled SOMETHING recently (perhaps the dog shit from that morning?) I turned to my daughter. "OK, what do you smell?" I finally asked her. "Fall!" She said, "I smell it. It's coming. It's in the air!" I gave a short nod. "Oh." Y'all know I hate the fall. My daughter, unfortunately, does not. And why not? She's a teenager, she hates everything else! She hates school, she hates homework, she hates certain people on certain days of the week. Why couldn't she hate the Fall, too? All the colors changing, the cooler nights, the hoodie weather, the being-able-to-be-outside-without-underboob-sweat? If I'm being honest, these are actually nice things, the scenery is breathtaking, the hoodies are for SURE my go-to when there's that not-too-cold chill in the air - they get me through the 'regular' winters (to this day, I don't own a winter coat) and it's the season for pumpkin-spiced everything. Nothing screams "FALL" louder than the arrival of such a delightful flavor. And damn it, I DO like the pumpkin spice - it's just not available until...well, now. And, damn it, this kid got my brain wheels turning. AS SOON AS SHE SAID THAT. And it wasn't the nice things I was thinking about, either. I handed her the dog's leash and told her to see if she could get him to poop. Rationally, I already know that we are transitioning out of summer and into what comes next. The same thing that 'came next' for the last twenty-four years. That almost-automatic foreboding feeling, though - was starting to sink in. I'd be lying if I said it started right then at that moment - but, no. I'd already noticed the shorter and cooler evenings, the frosty breaths while the dog goes out for the last time before bed. We are still green as far as leaves go, but the signs are all there. Halloween candy has appeared on the store shelves. The 'limited edition' scents are being released - Apple Cinnamon, Pumpkin this, Pumpkin that, Apple-Pumpkin, Roasted Marshmallow, you name it, Bath and Body Works probably has a sickening amount of it in overstock. I can't explain this feeling, though. I know, though, that I don't have to. You all get it. I'm not by any means 'cured.' I still remember my trauma (at least, the 1996 one) as if it were only yesterday. While the nightmares and flashbacks very rarely occur anymore, there is still somewhat of a cloud that rolls in around this time of year, and just....stays in place for a few weeks. I'm more on edge, I'm easily annoyed and irritated, I'm snappy. My sleeping habits go from weird to weirder. I spend a good amount of time internalizing and playing the avoidance game - having a ton of schoolwork does admittedly help keep me focused on ANYTHING BUT my thoughts. Not sure if all of that is good or bad, but like all else, it'll have to run its course. Tonight's journal entry will be a short one and was intended to be one, also. I just wanted to share the 'ugh' feeling that is settling in for a visit. I certainly hope this year's 'fall season' is a brief one and I can get to complaining about the snow... Wishing everyone a good rest of the weekend! - Cap
  4. Leaving this here, because, really, who can't smile at this????

    Have a great weekend, everyone. ❤️ 


    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. BrightSide


      Hello Apollo 😃 Thank you Cap, I hope you have a lovely weekend too!

    3. 8888


      Adorable pup!

    4. mango_star1
  5. I love, love, LOVE this. ❤️ It's true, too. One day at a time is the ONLY thing we can do. So - I wanna be the first to welcome you to After Silence. I'm so sorry to learn that you've only known abusive relationships. Until I met my fiancee twelve years ago, I'd only known toxicity as well. I'm glad though, that you are, for the moment, safe. I do hope that being here and being surrounded by those who understand will help for you to feel more supported and a bit less alone. Hang in there - these dark times can become overwhelming but hopefully you will find that they are only temporary. Please take gentle care of yourself - you deserve peace, comfort and healing. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey. Best wishes, Capulet
  6. Capulet


    Hi @D£stiny and welcome to After Silence!!! I'm sorry that you often feel alone and sad. We understand that, completely. Hopefully you will see you are not alone, here, and that many are in the same boat. I'm called Cap and I'm one of the site's moderators. You'll soon be hearing from a member of our Newbie Support Team who will be sending you some additional information about our site. In the meantime, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to give me a holler. Again, welcome. Sending you warmth and positive healing vibes, Cap
  7. Capulet


    Hello Tami. Welcome to the site! I'm sorry to learn you have experienced intimate partner abuse. I do hope that being here is helpful and that it will make you feel less alone. Many can relate and I hope that you will gain tons of support from those who understand exactly what you are going through. Sending you warmth and positivity! I am just a shout away if you have any questions about the site. Wishing you all the best and supporting you in your healing process! - Capulet
  8. Hello Jeanie! Welcome to After Silence. I'm sorry to learn of the circumstances that have led you to our community, but do hope that being here is helpful in clarifying some things for you. It seems we're on a constant quest for answers and I do hope that hearing from others who have been or are currently in the same boat will help guide you into the direction of healing!! Personally, I don't know anything about those pills. I agree with Mary - it's a notably huge step when we focus on our self-care amid all the other intrusive and unpleasant thoughts that are likely rushing through your mind right now - good for you on taking action to ensure that your physical health is a priority. The rest will follow suit! How are you doing today? Sending warmth and healing vibes, Cap
  9. @Tearsonmypillow - Hi there! Welcome to the site, and thank you so much for dropping by. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I didn't 'see' what was happening to me at the hands (or mouth) of my ex-husband until after we'd separated and our divorce was pending. I think that when we're too close to a situation, it's very difficult to see the toxicity within. You are absolutely right - spousal rape is abuse. It need only happen ONCE for it to be abuse. I do agree that both your husband and my ex-husband have good qualities within - they must have - there was a time when we loved them. When things change, it truly is disheartening and heartbreaking. I hope you know that NONE of this is your fault, and that there is absolutely NO justification for a husband to treat his wife like this. Where do we start to pick up the pieces? Well - this is different for everyone. I'm glad you're here, though, this is truly a supportive community and a good place to begin communicating and connecting with others who are currently or who have been in the same boat. A support system is vital. We do have a Domestic Violence forum here, and you're welcome to look around there and see if some of the posts there are relatable - because I do think you will find that you're not alone in your thoughts. It's not an easy situation to break away from, especially when there are children involved, but it's not impossible. If you'd like to talk privately sometime, you're welcome to send me a PM anytime --> @Capulet <-- (hover over my username and hit the 'message' envelope at the bottom!) Hoping to hear from you soon - and again - welcome to the site. Warmly, Cap
  10. Hello @Eorunia, and welcome to After Silence!!! Swinging by to say hi and to let you know that I think it's very brave of you to join our community - it's never easy to ask for support but this site truly has been a godsend for me and I am hoping you find exactly what you're looking for, here, and that you're not alone by any means. Congratulations on being ready to take that next leap - breaking your silence! That is truly an incredible way to begin this journey that we call healing!!! By the way - it's okay to not be completely well. I think many, many of us can relate to that. It's also okay to not be okay; trauma is not gentle nor is it ever easy to overcome. It takes a lot of time and patience and although it is difficult and takes many tolls, it's also not impossible. You've got this. Again, welcome! Best wishes, Capulet
  11. So, this happened!

    Introducing the newest member of the Capulet family.  Say hello to Apollo!


    He's such a good boy.  We're so in love.  😍

    He's making himself at home and keeping me covered in doggy kisses and lots of cuddles!  

    My heart is happy. ❤️ 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. 8888


      Congrats, what a cutie!  

    3. BrightSide


      ahh, he is so cute! Hello Apollo :wave:🐕

    4. orangegiraffe


      So cute! Enjoy him!! 

  12. Capulet


    Welcome back, Kelly! Nice to meet you - or re-meet you, as I'm a bit of an old-timer, myself. I did take a long break in-between as well. Agree with Mary - things have changed a lot over the years, but AS is still pretty amazing. (No, I'm not biased! 😄) Best wishes, and welcome. - Cap
  13. Hi @Hope321 - Welcome to After Silence! Depending on where you're from, online support groups are all the rage these days - we are smack-dab in the middle of uncertain times and I'm hopeful that you'll find a lot of our members are currently or have been in the same boat. I'm glad you like what you see here, as in-person support is increasingly hard to find these days. Thanks for telling us a little bit about yourself. I'm called Cap and I'm one of the site's moderators. I'm a survivor of CSA, rape and domestic violence. I joined back in 2007 but did take a few years' hiatus after my divorce. This site has been a tremendous healing tool for me. Now that my life is generally stable, I've gone back to school to pursue my degree in social work. You're very right - I can truly relate to what you say about spending a long time pretending all is right with us when truthfully, it's not. It's just much easier to spend a bit of time visiting the state of Denial before venturing onto the path of healing. I know what a big step it is to make the decision to start to nurture some of those past wounds, so I hope you are proud of yourself for taking this huge leap! Looking forward to getting to know you! Please know I'm just a shout away if you have any questions or concerns. Best wishes, Capulet
  14. Welcome!!! I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances under which you've arrived here, but do hope you will find that there is tons of support available to you. My best wishes to you in your healing journey! - Cap
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