Capulet

Hello friends. I know that I have been somewhat absent for a little while. My prescence here has declined greatly over the last couple of weeks and for a little while, I was only really responding to PMs and giving posts a quick-read, just to try and keep up. I sincerely hope that while I've been scarce, that everyone's doing as well as they can be doing. While I've been thinking of my friends here while keeping busy offline, the reason for my decreased activity is indeed a good one. There is now a high school graduate in the house! That colicky, fusspot of a little boy that I rocked to sleep every single night for the first several months of his life, has now officially completed the twelfth grade. I do admit to stealing the title of this entry from a shot-glass at the Christmas Tree Shop. But I believe it, completely! It amazes me how much WORK was involved getting him to this point, to get him across this particular milestone. How many times he'd gotten frustrated, how many times he's expressed his hatred toward school. There have been countless projects, book reports, science fairs, visits to the school nurse on the days he'd faked sick because he wanted to go home, (the elementary school nurse and I were on a first-name basis) parent-teacher conferences, two previous graduations (from elementary and junior high) trips, and HOMEWORK. The homework, is of course, in caps simply because I have six more years of homework woes to endure as the Daughter will be entering 7th grade at the end of the summer and through her, it will all continue...she and her brother are SO different, in personality, in movie, music and food tastes, but when it comes to homework, they're the same. BOTH of my children dread it and do the bare minimum - it's the only complaint I've gotten from both of their teachers whenever the time comes for me to visit their schools for parent night. "Your son/daughter is an absolute delight to have in class (I'd make sure at this point they were talking about the right kid) however, he/she is missing x amount of homeworks..." Then the wasband and I would have to remove any and all electronics for x amount of time - one day per homework missed was ideal...this way, while they MADE UP the missed assignment, there would be absolutely no distractions. But for my son, it paid off. My only hope is that he feels the same way - and that as he embarks upon a new journey (college), he sees that all of the hard work he's done up until the present time has been worth it. The big day was Thursday. On the way to the ceremony, I looked at him while stopped at a red light. He was dressed in his shirt and tie, had on his cap and gown, he looked so damn handsome! "Hey," I nudged him, "I want you to know that I'm so proud of you." "Thanks, Ma." I could tell he was trying not to show his nervousness. He fiddled with his tie, scratched underneath the cap, (those things are itchy) and chewed on his nails. "I also want to apologize in advance for the ugly cry you're probably going to see when you walk across that stage." Then there was that grin I love so much, followed by a light chuckle, "That's okay, Ma!" Surprisingly, the ugly cry happened AFTER the ceremony and tossing of the graduation caps (as well as the frantic relocation of aforementioned cap with attached tassel) when he descended the stairs leading from the school building...carrying in one hand his diploma and using the other to unzip the deep purple gown so he could free himself from the confines of the graduation robe he'd had to wear for the last three hours in a sweltering gymnasium. Twelve years of school (fourteen, if you count pre-school and Kindergarten) finished in the blink of an eye! That brought on the tears and I couldn't hide my emotions long enough. I got a look of horror from the Daughter, who I'm sure, pretended she didn't know me for a full sixty seconds, the usual narrow-eyed wince from Constipa-Face (I expected no less from someone who has not a single sensitive bone in his body) and the "there she goes!" from someone else, possibly Mrs. Constipa-Face. The Son, though, gave me a hug. I kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "wait til your next and final graduation...if you think I'm bad now, I'll be a hot mess, THEN!!" Lucky for us all, I have another four years. Now I've got to get around the fact that he'll graduate college before his sister even finishes High School... And then, to the Daughter, I said, "You just wait, too...when YOU graduate, I'll be crying even HARDER, and I'll make sure there are honking noises when I blow my nose...JUST for you, my darling...and even better, still - you're the spitting image of your Mama, so you won't be able to hide..." She groaned. Serves her right for making fun of her mother, doesn't it? I'm sure I'll be ugly-crying AGAIN when his senior picture proofs arrive. He took them two days before graduation and I'm expecting those to arrive in about two to three weeks. Then, two days after the graduation, I had forty people show up to my house (would have been at least six to seven more people, but I had a few last-minute cancellations) and although I had Oompa staying here for a few days to help out, I certainly got in my exercise...just within my own home. I lost count of how many times I went up and down the stairs, how many trips I made from the kitchen sliders/upper deck to the newly-set concrete slab one story below. By the time the night was over on Saturday, I was ready to collapse in exhaustion; my feet were KILLING me and I had some unpleasant chafing in an even more uncomfortable place. This morning, I felt a ton better, both physically and mentally - Oompa left early this morning (but not before expressing any and everything that disappointed her at one point or another...while Constipa-Face is good for nothing less than a daily dose of disapproval, my mother takes first place in every single woe-is-me contest that there ever was - even the imaginary ones) and will be gone until the Daughter's birthday, which is in two weeks. I spent the day with my father, who leaves tomorrow morning and will return for the next party, which is going to be held at the wasband's house. And since the wasband has effectively demonstrated that it's NORMAL to show up an hour after the party has started, I may demonstrate my own learning abilities by doing the same thing. (I say 'MAY' only because my Daughter will likely suffer the consequences of my being purposely tardy; and that's not fair to her at ALL.) Who am I kidding? I'll be there on time if not a little bit early - at least my kids will know I'm reliable while their father is not. I will be spending the next two weeks attempting to get back that feeling of normalcy and calm - the amount of stress that I've had on my plate was at an all-time high and the lowering of my blood pressure is a vital, necessary thing. I'll be posting another update shortly - for now, another good nights' sleep is in order as the recuperation process has begun. Sending lots of hugs and love to you all - I've missed everyone!!! - Capulet

This will be brief, because this is being typed while I can still move. Tomorrow, I may be in traction. Or just very, very sore. Possibly too sore to go and retrieve the free taco that Taco Bell is offering, while supplies last. So, if you've got a Taco Bell near you, today, June 13th, is free taco day! Personally, I like the ones with the Nacho Cheese Dorito shell... I, however, may be in too much pain to get myself to the car. I will start you all off with some good news. The concrete has been poured and I now have my table and chairs set up outside. The Son's graduation party is almost ready to go. I'm expecting 40 people to show up for the celebration this weekend. My niece's christening was this past weekend, relieving me of SOME of what's been on my plate for the past several weeks. And now for the reason for my (slight) exaggeration. Today, I spent three hours this afternoon in the yard, collecting and decorating with rocks. The cement is a 20x20 slab, and there's somewhat of a 'step' up from the grass. I decided today that it would be a wonderful idea to line rocks along the slab's perimeter, to 'dress' it up a little bit. And so one by one, I collected large rocks from the wooded area behind the house and walked them over to the slab, placed them down along the outside in an artistic manner, piled the smaller ones on top of the larger ones. Then I placed the solar light stakes along the path leading to the fire pit. By the time J came home, my back was killing me. Regardless, she needed assistance lifting a VERY heavy box from her trunk. A box containing a flat-top propane grill/griddle that we had invested in yesterday morning. It'll be great for when we have a power outage. It'll be the only way J will cook outdoors. She has a not-so-fond memory of lifting the cover off a traditional gas barbecue grill and when she pushed the 'ignite' button, the grill was a little 'overexcited' to be started up and she singed her eyebrows. Since then, she's been deathly afraid of propane grills, but since there's no open fire on a flat-top, she's happy to share some of the cooking duties with me. And the Son, who can lift heavy things, was not home. Whenever I need help, he's not home. Always seems to be the case. But he did have a good reason for not being home - he was taking his senior pictures. The portrait studio was at his school today and they were photographing the class of 2019 and since he missed the opportunity to have them taken for THIS year, they were kind enough to squish him in between two juniors and I will finally have an updated graduation photo for my wall. Of course, before that happens, I will need to wait for the proofs to be mailed. So, anyway, this box must have been at least 100 pounds. We aren't weaklings but we ARE both almost forty years old and this was quite the feat. We struggled with the box containing the flat-top, managing to first drop it to the ground, then I pushed and she pulled - until the box has been relocated into the garage. Then...we went bowling in our summer league. Three game set. I walked in like an old(er) lady. Managed to bowl 2 good-ish games and 1 trash game. I throw a fifteen-pound ball an average of 16-17mph down the lane, and yes, in case you're wondering, the high speed does mess with my accuracy! It probably wasn't a good idea to bowl with a backache. But I did it, anyway. So therefore, I will probably wake up in knots. I'm not sure how to describe a delayed injury (or even soreness) any better than basically going to the gym, working out for hours and then waking up the next day wondering what the hell possessed you to do such a thing. Wish me luck, friends. I think tomorrow morning will be one of these. Until next time. , - Capulet

Hello Michelle and welcome to AS! That is a gorgeous wedding picture and an even better looking couple. It is so nice to meet you, although I'm sorry it is under these circumstances. I hope that being here brings you some comfort! Best wishes, Capulet

Welcome to AfterSilence. Take your time and feel free to look around - I am sure you will find this is a wonderful community and the people are great support. Best wishes, Capulet

Hi @Looking for peace, welcome to AS! I too come from an abusive marriage - my ex-husband did not sexually abuse me, though - his was more of the emotional/controlling type. Even so, it sounds like your ex-husband had some controlling tendencies/manipulation tactics (the bullying, when he wouldn't sleep in the bed with you until you gave in to sex, a schedule he 'expected' followed, etc) and I'm very happy to hear that you're no longer married to him. You deserve so, so much better than that. However, if you want my honest opinion/advice, I think you need to hold off on a romantic relationship and just be by yourself for a little while and work through some of the emotional wreckage that your ex-husband left in his wake. I am sensing that you have a myriad of trust issues, but this isn't surprising, considering the toxic relationship you just got out of. I have these little issues with trust, too...so I do understand all of that. I would definitely suggest seeing a T (therapist) if it's within your power to do so. Just to talk out some of these feelings you're having. I mean, this is a great place to turn to in order to meet people who are in the same boat, but sometimes we just need a little bit more. If therapy is not an option right now, that's okay, too. Maybe you could focus on further developing your current relationships (even if they're just friendships) with the "safe" people in your life that you feel you can confide in, learn to trust, etc. Make spontaneous plans with friends. Schedule outings, meet for a meal, go shopping. Enjoy yourself. Do things that you want to do, that you CHOOSE to do, because you want to...because now, you're free. I think, in time, you'll feel better about maybe starting a new relationship with someone, should this person come along. I think that your being 'scared' is a strong indicator of your simply not being ready for a relationship beyond friendship right now, and that's okay. Listen to yourself, acknowledge what your heart, body & mind is telling you. When you're ready to take the next step, you will just know - that fear will have subsided a bit. And your chances of it being a healthy relationship will be so, so much greater then. That's just my opinion, feel free to take it all with a grain of salt. I'm hoping others will chime in, soon. Again, welcome to AS! I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here but am happy to meet you. Best wishes, Capulet

!!! Thank you, sweet @OnWheels!! And I totally, 100% agree with you - laughing is so much better and less messy than crying. I'm looking forward to sharing many more laughs - whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' is certainly onto something.... Hope your day is going beautifully! - Cap

@OnWheels, Heyyy - thank you!!! I'll for sure be updating on the concrete situation. Will see if the guy we hired graces me with his presence tomorrow - it IS supposed to rain overnight but I'm HOPING that he'll at least show up to take a look at the situation in the yard, as promised, and not send me into further panic by not following up in any way. On one hand, I'm sorry to hear your father wears the Trump/Constipa-Face, but on the other, am slightly (and perhaps oddly) delighted that this "face" is recognized by people other than myself and my daughter. The wasband is damn near impossible as a person; he hasn't got a sensitive bone in his body and sometimes, in order to not lose my mind, I have to invite a little humor into how I describe him. Perhaps we can come up with creative names for "the face," makes it a little more bearable whenever we see it...? Thanks for the comment, they are truly loved. Glad to have made you smile today. By the way, the cat came around looking for more jerky, but unfortunately, the bag was finished last night. I'll have to pick up some more! - C

Hello @Saz78, welcome to AS! So sorry to hear of what has made you seek us out but am glad you did - this is a great place full of wonderful, supportive souls! Take care, Capulet

That's what my daughter asked me this afternoon. Ahhh...it's been a crazy-ish week, so far. For starters, I'm starting to think God has the absolute worst form of colic. All he does is CRY! I mean, yeah, looking at today's world, I can certainly understand the need to bawl rather than try and analyze why we're forced to deal with the amount of stress we're destined to deal with - all in one lifetime, too. We've not had more than two or three days in a row without rain. I normally wouldn't care so much whether it rained or the sun was out - I'm not an outdoorsy type at all. When it rains, I'm usually at home and I busy myself with housework. When it's sunny, my vampire mode kicks in and I prefer to stay in and relax if I have no other pressing plans. Oh, and another interesting tidbit about me - I have something called 'achoo syndrome.' It's really a thing, look it up. I can't step out into the sunlight without sneezing violently and scaring the living hell out of whoever's standing next to me at the time. However, this rain worries me. I'm planning a graduation party for exactly thirteen days from now and my backyard has been waiting (patiently I might add...since mid-April!) for a concrete pour and the ass-clown I hired to do the job will not do it if the ground is wet. Weather IS a factor when it comes to cement pouring but he's also delayed doing the work on days God was 'happy' (as rarely as that's been lately) and I'm trying NOT to panic at the thought that the yard simply may not be finished in time. Ass-clown says he will be here Monday and cement should be poured by Wednesday - but honestly, I've heard all of this, before. We'll see. I'm seriously going to join God and cry if this crap isn't done by the end of next week. The cement is only the first step - I also have to repair patches of grass that the men wrecked during their working moments, and I have to see about some decorating...this, of course, means another trip to Home Depot is in my very near future. So, the party-planner in me is a nervous wreck. I'll have about 50 people in my back yard, which, right now, looks like a waterlogged dump. The Son's actual graduation day is the 12th. He is in need of a pair of pants and a dress shirt and a tie. And a shave and a haircut. Oh, and if an attitude adjustment could be arranged, too, that would be great. You would think he needed a root canal; he's constantly complaining that he doesn't like wearing 'dressy' attire but it clearly states on his school notice discussing graduation what the Class of 2018 is expected to wear. Every day since that notice came home, I'll ask him, "shall we go to the Big & Tall after school today?" And every day, his answer is, "nah, I'm tired," or "nah, I've got homework," or just plain, "nah, I don't feel like it." We are now nine days away from graduation and he has no pants, no shirt, no tie and no shoes, he's built like John Candy but has Zach Galifianakis' haircut with a five o'clock shadow he's too lazy to tend to. It's just ANOTHER THING we have to deal with in a short amount of time. So not only is the cement guy delaying me in several ways, I feel the Son is trying to cut it close, too. So, before he left to go to the wasband's house, I informed him through clenched teeth that on Wednesday afternoon, we were going to the store after school and we would NOT be leaving until he's got a full outfit for his graduation. I got a very well rehearsed, "Absolutely, Mom. We will do that." The sports fan in me is not happy right now, either. My New York Mets have sincerely forgotten how to play the game called baseball. My father, whom I inherited Mets fandom from, actually went online to try and get tickets to a YANKEE game. His reasoning? "I want to see some REAL baseball! I feel like I'm watching a Little League team!" (And he's not wrong about that.) I just came from watching tonight's game...score is tied at 1-1 for seven innings or so - then the Mets (Mess) decide to put in a reliever with a high ERA (I DO understand the bullpen was getting thin, but STILL....) and the Cubs score six. And to add injury to insult, the Mets come up empty in the bottom of the 14th. They've now lost four or five in a row - I forget which, but watching their games is rapidly becoming a risk of wasted time. Maybe I'll just start putting the games on during the last inning? The Daughter had me laughing earlier this week, though. Do you all remember where, in a couple blog entries ago, I mentioned that I was dealing with some private issues? Well, I'm still not quite ready to divulge all those details but it has to do with her recent behavior and a phone call was placed by the school. The wasband was involved, of course, but we've NEVER been on the same page when it came to figuring out what was best when dealing with our children. He simply disciplines while I prefer to talk to them and both try to understand and help THEM understand why they acted in a certain way. I feel that's the most effective way to parent because you're actually listening to THEIR side, too and they see this - which makes them more likely to come to me for guidance or advice or whenever they run into trouble. I'm of the belief that if you lose your shit, they'll learn very quickly that you're NOT able to be there for them in a rational, calm manner when it's needed. And so, I listen and I discipline them AFTER I've heard the full story, I know they understand what they did was wrong and not before. But the wasband, having come from a broken, unstable home filled with violence and drug/alcohol abuse, has never been one to listen to what the kids have to say but is quick to deal out a punishment. It's a typical Lion Vs. Lamb situation. The kids are terrified of going to him first, for this reason mainly. Anyway, long story short - the daughter has had her phone taken away for two weeks, now, as a result of her latest misbehavior. The wasband and I had sat her down (was just us three) and we had a discussion. Before this (pre-planned; 'meet me at the park at 5:00' sorta thing) discussion, I told the daughter that she just had to hear him out and let him say whatever he needed to say - we already knew he'd resort to his usual unreasonable, belittling ways and she wasn't likely to get a word in. She knows now that even if she doesn't agree with him, she'd better pretend she does because there is simply NO reasoning with him when he talks. This is exactly how I felt when I was married to him, and sadly, STILL how I feel, even after being divorced for almost ten years. The path of least resistance is simply to nod and let him THINK he's getting a point across. She (and her brother) has come to recognize this trait in her father and she was prepared for this meeting knowing that she and I would talk later on when it was just us two. So, this is the part that made me chuckle. The wasband has a very distinct, unmistakeable face that he puts on whenever he doesn't understand or agree with something. His eyes get narrow, his lip curls upwards. He'll talk slowly, making you feel like you'd BETTER respond the right way. Yes, I'm fully aware this is all part of the abuse he's been inflicting on everyone around him for the last two decades or more, but some people, I've learned to accept, simply can't be fixed. The Son is nearly 18 and will eventually lock horns with his father (won't be a good day, but is inevitable, I think) and the Daughter, at 12, is already forming her own conclusions in regard to her father's character versus her mother's. Anyway, when this face comes on, he's clearly disgusted with you, he makes you feel as if YOU'RE the crazy one, and whatever you approached him about in the first place, becomes something you simply don't want to address anymore, resulting in the dropping of said topic/subject. It certainly was a deterrent when I approached him while we were married, and asked him if I could visit a therapist once per week. That didn't work out so well. Anyhow, during our meeting, he put this face on. A face that the Daughter now refers to as the 'TrumpFace.' We had a very amusing talk on the way home from the park, where in the car I asked her how she felt it went. She felt she didn't get a chance to explain herself because he simply wouldn't listen to her nor did he present as approachable due to the constant putting on of the TrumpFace. I think, though, we'll just call it Constipa-Face because to me, it does resemble our current POTUS but also looks as if the wasband is severely constipated and is in serious need of some toilet time. On one hand, I'm secretly glad that the Daughter and I have this mutual understanding about her Dad, but on the other, I am somewhat saddened because I do not feel that any child should feel that a parent is not truly there or understanding them and their needs. I guess in this respect, I'm going to be pulling double duty because Constipa-Face is incapable of change. Has a nice ring to it, don't it? So, ahh....yes - when the Daughter came into my room and caught me in autopilot mode, just kind of going down the list of shit I have to get accomplished this week, I looked down and realized that I was slowly feeding tiny bits of beef jerky to the cat. He was enjoying it, too...it was a tender enough brand of jerky and he was likely savoring the flavor-filled chews before swallowing his treat. And he'd wait patiently for the next morsel, too, which I'd deliver in between my own little bites. I suppose I'll find out in the morning if he truly enjoyed it or it ended up irritating his stomach. Hoping all's well with you guys. Until next time. , - Capulet

Hello Ellie, welcome!!!! I am sure you will be pleasantly surprised at just how supportive one place can be! Best wishes! Capulet

Hi Heather, and welcome to AS! We all have to start somewhere, but we just have to also take our time and begin when it feels right. I hope you will find everything you are looking for here! Feel free to look around a bit and we will all be here when you are ready. Best wishes, Capulet

Hi, @vbock, Welcome to AS! And thank you for everything you do for the survivors who have been fortunate to cross paths with you. You sound like an amazing person and you have likely made a huge impact on several. I truly wish there were more individuals with such a caring heart. I did not report my sexual assault, and so I never had a rape kit done. I know that in hindsight I should have, but it's been over 20 years at this point and the 'woulda, coulda, shouldas' are pointless to ponder now. I am, though, quick to suggest filing a report and having a kit done - while there never will be justice for me, it does me some good to see others have that chance. Have you thought about hosting or putting together a clothing drive so that this could become more of a long-term benefit provided at hospitals and sexual assault centers following a rape kit/examination? You could put out a list of what's needed - sweat pants and shirts in all sizes for sure because they are both warm and comfortable, sports bras (since bra sizes vary too greatly and the sports bras come in S, M, L, XL, XXL, etc and will likely be the first thing discarded as that's usually just a temporary thing to put on), both men's and women's underwear in all sizes (those will likely be thrown away afterward, too), white cotton socks...(not the hospital slipper socks they distribute - those are horrid!) T-shirts are also great to have for warmer days but I do feel a sweatshirt should be offered as well and the survivor should have a choice as to which one he/she wants to wear, if not both. Hoodies are a nice thing to have too - the pockets in front provide a nice warm place to put anxious hands and the hood would serve a purpose whether it's rainy outside when they leave or they'd have the option of putting the hood up over their heads to add a sense of security. Flip-flops are personally not comfortable for me but I can certainly see a need for shoes in some cases or some kind of footwear to go home in. I do feel that the clothes should be new/never worn before because having just gone through a violation against my body, I would personally NEED for these clothing items to be mine and ONLY mine - regardless of whether or not I discard them afterwards, anything I would wear following an assault would need to be in line with what I'm generally comfortable with. Underwear is a must, I would need to feel 'covered.' Absolutely no skirts or dresses as the 'openness' at the bottom is not something I am comfortable with at all. You could provide an address for all clothing donations to be sent - perhaps other hospitals/rape centers will be inspired to do the same, making this a more widely successful movement. You'd be surprised at the response, I'm thinking - you can only do so much on a limited budget and it is worth it to get more people involved with making the go-bags. I think it's a great idea that you're here asking for input. I am sure that many will provide some insight and that you will be successful in your ambitions. Again, thank you for all you do! Capulet

Hi, everyone! I know I promised this update a few days sooner, but I've had some unexpected things pop up that I'm not quite ready to share with the world, yet. Please know though, that I am physically and mentally okay and this is simply something that happened that I feel I need to spend some time processing privately before it becomes blog-fodder at a later time when I've got it all figured out. I also need to scream at Will Ferrell for a little while - because now even HE is asking me if I'm sure I'm handling it the way I should be. All I can say on that is, I hope so. But anyhow. In my last blog, I promised to let you know whether I met my short-term weight-loss goal. I did. So, yay! Yes, I'm very happy about this - I'm now setting another goal, and when that one is met, I'll keep setting goals until I can say I'm sincerely comfortable in my own body again. It's been a very long time since that was the case and I feel that for the first time in ages, I've got control over my weight and my diet - which was one of my biggest health concerns. And now for the apology and the rest... It was recently brought to my attention that a post of mine in the forums was edited (just a sentence) because providing numbers/amounts of weight lost is against the forum guidelines. (I'd only confirmed this AFTER the fact, by visiting the specific forum and saw them for myself. See, when I browse the forums index page, I usually peruse the most recently added topics on the right hand column - I don't access these topics through the forum categories themselves. And so I was not aware of this specific guideline when I responded to a post about dieting!) Anyhow - I got a (friendly) note from a moderator letting me know that the post was edited and let me be clear - I am NOT upset about this nor am I upset with the moderator, who is a fantastic person and has always been kind to me. I was very happy to see that she was doing her job keeping AS a safe place to be and I thanked her for doing whatever she felt was necessary. It does my heart a LOT of good knowing that there are people out there devoted to keeping this a safe place for us all to visit and to turn to when we need. So, to my friends who are part of the administration at AS - thank you for everything you do!!! I'm generally not a rule-breaker and just KNOWING I'd broken one, although not intentionally, was what bothered me the most. And then I thought about it in-depth some more later on in the evening, even though my exchange with the moderator ended on a pleasant note... It hit me that I've been posting a great deal about weight loss in my blogs for a long time, now. My reason? Simply put, you're supposed to write about things you think about, your life's challenges, everything and nothing in a blog. Well, weight is a hurdle for me, always has been. And my way of analyzing and dealing with this and other such obstacles in my life is to write about them and if I could, share them with anyone who would want to read. But I realize now that in doing so, I wasn't thinking about others, about YOU guys - weight is a hurdle for more people than I realize, whether they're trying to gain it or lose it, maintain it, etc. And it never occurred to me to, while I was ranting about my own personal struggle to adopt healthier eating habits, to stop and think about how many others are eating disordered as a result of traumatic life experience and how discussing these things may not be as well received as I originally felt it would be. And for this, I am deeply sorry. While my intention was merely to share a personal triumph, I simply was not thinking ahead when I wrote these blog entries and may have come across as selfish. Furthermore, I've decided that I'm no longer going to discuss my diet ambitions in my blog or in a post. I am probably making a bigger deal out of it than it truly is, but this is a decision that I feel comfortable with making at the moment. I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of other things to ramble about. If you're among the few that actually likes these (sometimes boring) diet updates, I invite you to inquire about my progress through private messages, where I feel I'll be able to speak more freely and without fear of offending because the topic is asked for and not imposed upon. It's been a LONG day and I'm about to turn in...just wanted to get this sent out before I did. Thanks for listening and for all the support! Have a safe holiday weekend! , - Capulet

Hi, @Optimisticlady!!! Welcome to AS! I, too, am a writer rather than a talker. It truly is my best recovery tool, too. This is a fantastic site and I sincerely wish for your being here bringing you all of the hope you could ask for. Looking forward to getting to know you, too! Capulet