Capulet

Hi @maxinemorri - Welcome to After Silence!!! I think it's perfectly natural to be nervous! I was, too, when I joined this community over a decade ago. Being able to connect and to communicate with people whom I could relate to was so comforting, especially when I wasn't able to do this before. I'm always saying how sad I am to meet people under these circumstances, but do believe that it eventually doesn't matter where and how I've connected with someone else - it's just another person out there that understands me and doesn't judge me for any of it. Truly is a wonderful feeling. Take your time to look around and don't worry about posting until you're feeling comfortable/ready to do so. We've no expectations of you other than for you to take it all in at your own pace. If there's anything you need help with, please feel free to give a shout or visit our Help Desk forum. Happy to have you and looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet

Hello, all! There's so much to update on but this week, the words elude me. I guess I will just write, though - and see what flows. To start things off, we once again are hearing the pitter-patter of little paws in the house. J has been feeling lately that void where Dexter used to be - he was her comfort, he always seemed to KNOW when she needed a cuddle. So we adopted Salem - he's an 8-week old, all-black kitten. Accompanying him is the plenty of scratches and teeth marks up our arms and legs - but all in all, we're happy and he's setting into his new home nicely. He's not Dexter - nor will he ever be - but in some ways, he's already channeling our buddy, who will officially be gone two months on Thursday. It still seems so unreal. It IS, however, bringing content smiles to my beautiful wife's face, smiles I have not seen in a while. If she's happy, I'm happy - and I gotta admit, the little guy IS cute!! Oompa came to visit, as promised. I mentioned a couple of blog entries ago that she wanted me to 'greet' my uncle at my nephew/niece's birthday celebration - I chose not to. My mother wasn't happy about this and stated that when she asks me for 'favors,' it's usually for a reason. I asked at the time WHAT possible good reason there EVER could be for me to say hello to someone that I loathe. She couldn't supply one at the time; she was likely at my sister's house and there were roaming eyes - so she said she'd tell me when she came to visit. Well - that visit came and went - and the only thing I was left with was a headache that lasted for two days post-Oompa departure. While she was here, she tasked herself with the cleaning of my kitchen - (apparently she decided that my kitchen had excess 'clutter,' something that HER kitchen is not completely devoid of, nor was it ever!) and working on a blanket that she brought with her to crochet. When she's at home, all she does is complain how tired she is - granted, she takes on way too much and this is her own fault - but when she's here, she won't go to bed until after 11. (Yes, you may insert the moaning and groaning here!) While she was here, she wanted to watch an episode of SVU. Now, I don't watch this frequently - if it's on and there's nothing else of interest, I'll watch it - but I honestly lost track of the show during the Stabler days. Anyway, my mother watches it weekly and did so on Thursday night - "watch with me," she said - so I did - but only because she'd be going to bed after and THEN I'd have my peace and quiet. Anyhow, this particular episode - a man was about to get married and someone stood up in the church when the minister said, "speak now or forever hold your peace." The woman who stood claimed, in front of all of the guests, that the groom had raped her. I won't get into details in case any of you watch SVU and haven't seen this episode - but the accuser was investigated thoroughly, and my mother's commentary throughout was, 'oh, she's lying,' or 'I don't believe her.' As it turns out, the woman wasn't being 100% truthful, but she was also not lying. It's something you'd have to see to understand the full story of - but to hear my mother repeatedly invalidate this woman's words - it just further solidified that I can never - EVER - share with her. Not about her brother, not about the isolated SA experience that further changed me. None of it. Instead, I have to pretend that I am unaffected by sexual assault; I have to shield from her, from most people around me, reasons for my being the way I am. I am just not safe to emerge from behind that shield, yet. I wonder, though, if I ever will be. I'm also momentarily propelled back into childhood when my mother would tell me that I lied, I made up stories. For her to invalidate a fictional character was telling me that she was also invalidating ME - and so, even though I wanted to scream at her, I kept my mouth shut and 'put it in my sleeve.' In a way, I'm GLAD she said nothing about her good-for-nothing brother - at this point, the anger I feel has bottled up over having to see him recently, (being asked to say HELLO to him, too?) is invalid because I'm a liar, too, just like this woman on television, and I made up a story when I was six years old. If Oompa is of the self-imposed mindset that I made this up as a young child and is OKAY with that belief, then there's no changing it now, nor any motivation to try changing it. Come to think of it, perhaps this is why, for a full day after she left, I was feeling as if I was carrying a boulder (that was my head) atop my neck. It was like there were a marching band making its rounds through my brain. The throbbing was AWFUL. I am glad to say, though, that has stopped and I'm feeling MUCH better and calmer now. SAAM (Sexual Assault Awareness Month) is in full swing, here - got the heads' up from M that this month's group would have to do with SAAM and we'd be designing and making Take Back the Night signs in Art Group tomorrow (Tuesday). During the last several days' Mets games, I've been making loom bracelets in between pitches - I now have 20 of them - to distribute among the ladies at Art Group when I go tomorrow evening. I think they'll love them - and I'm only wishing I could have made more. I probably would have, too, had I not run out of the color I needed - but I felt that SOMETHING needed to be done to spread awareness. I've NOT participated in the #metoo movement on Facebook, even though a part of me did want to. I've not posted anything on social media that could be interpreted as, "I'm a survivor," and no, it's not because I'm ashamed. I've just got eyes (Oompa's, my kids', other family members') on my social media accounts (even if it's just Facebook and a somewhat-abandoned Instagram account) that I don't want seeing this side of me that I've chosen to keep private. With what I've mentioned of my mother above, I do know not many would blame me for doing so, but at the same time, I feel angry that I've had to hold my tongue for so long, and that my reasons for keeping silent are for self-protection - I certainly don't wish to protect the man who raped me; he SHOULD be exposed for the animal he is - especially if he's living the good life that I know he doesn't deserve. I went through HUNDREDS of black, white and teal rubber bands and although after the first two or three, the rest were woven in autopilot mode, I did do some reflecting as I put them together. I'm going on 23 years since I was SA'd. Yet, it still lingers, it still stings, it still tarnishes thoughts that would otherwise be beautiful. Yes, time has been good to me in the sense that some of these thoughts have lessened and I'm in an overall good place with all of it - but there's still the occasional reminder of that night. I'm not even talking about the CSA that happened prior to the rape, I'm referring back to that night in 1996 when I'd be forced down an alternative path, one that was unmapped and held nothing but uncertainty. I've also decided that in synchrony with going back to school and getting my Bachelor's in Social Work, I will also be exploring other ways of getting involved within my community. I feel that I have spent enough time silently acknowledging that I am a survivor. It is time to embrace the fact that I am not just a survivor, but one that is ready, willing, and able to interact with other survivors - even if on a peer level first. I think I've kept this part of my life private for FAR too long - and it's time to emerge within my community as a 'known' survivor, even if it means continuing to keep my mother in the dark. It's easier to do this now that I don't live so close to her and I've effectively managed to keep her at arms' length. I've expressed a desire to M to, when the time comes, do my internship at the Women's Center where the monthly groups are held - and have made it known that I would like to volunteer there, as well as eventually apply for a job there. She will be letting me know when I can speak to their volunteer coordinator - in October, it will be one year since I joined them at the center for groups, and that's the amount of time you need to be affiliated with them in order to be considered for volunteering services. You know what's messed up, though? In a small way? I did tell Oompa my plans to volunteer at the center. And I told her that it was in preparation for the line of work I'll be going into once I've got my degree in hand and that they offer the training class to their volunteers for free - non-volunteers needed to fund this training course out-of-pocket. She did ask why I would be going to a place like that or getting involved with them - and to tell her that it was because I wanted to eventually WORK there and not because it was because I BELONGED there - seemed...I don't know. Like it was the truth, but not the whole honest truth. I don't consider myself a dishonest person but to put it that way...it feels wrong. Does that make sense? A little? Not at all? Is my brain just in overdrive, per usual? For those of you who are observing SAAM alongside me - know that I stand next to you, whether or not you're observing silently. I support you this month, and every month. I believe you. And I am sending you one of my handmade loom bands, even if I've got to do it mentally. Anyway. Just wanted to empty off some of this chatter that is swirling within my brain. I do think I'll be back within the next few days with another update, especially after tomorrow's Art meeting. I am hoping everyone's having a fantastic day in your parts of the world! Spring has officially sprung here - it is LOOKING like we are done with snow and 50-60 degree weather is here for at least the next ten days. But living where I live is anything but predictable and that's subject to change. Hoping not, though - I'd REALLY like to break out my outdoor furniture and get the back yard 'barbecue ready!' Until next time. Sending y'all lots of love and hugs. If you don't want the hugs, kindly pass 'em onto the person behind you. I won't be offended. - Capulet

Awwww....!!! I am sending you safe hugs, if you are okay with the thought. It can sometimes be truly overwhelming to feel as if you are FINALLY seen, and that you have been heard. I think that many of us spend a lot of time hiding, and NOT wanting this extra attention or even feeling as if it's undeserved. Please know that this isn't the case...you do deserve support. It's understandable - that emotional burst when, for the first time, things are a little bit different. It is okay to cry - you are safe here and you are among friends. I am always here if you ever need or want to talk a little. All the best, Cap

Hi @kmdiamond17 - Welcome to After Silence!!! I am so sorry to learn of circumstances that have brought you here and to hear that you are struggling. I can relate to the feelings of shame and disgust - you are not alone - so many others can relate to this - myself included. But please know you are NOT disgusting. You feel the way you do for a reason that was not your fault. I am, however, glad to hear that you are liking what you see here on the site - this is a great place. You are safe here to talk about anything you would like to discuss - without fear of being judged or laughed at. That's just NOT tolerated here - we are here to support each other through our healing processes. We really don't have any rules other than to treat one another with the respect and kindness we all deserve - other board posting rules and tips can be found in our Public FAQ's and Welcome FAQ's, so you can check those out when you get a chance. Otherwise, I think you will be just fine! Have you been contacted by a Newbie Support Staff member, yet? If not, please let us know here and someone will be sending you a message shortly and will be able to answer any site-related questions you may have, if any. I'm sorry you are having flashbacks lately. I hope they subside soon and that when you experience them, you are taking gentle care of yourself and surrounding yourself with things that bring you comfort. Again - welcome - happy to 'meet you' and am looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet

@VintagePanda - welcome to After Silence!!! I am sorry that traumatic circumstances have brought you here, but am glad to have you among us. This truly is a fantastic community and there's an undying supply of support. So many of us understand this type of trauma, but there are many differing realities we're all having to face - it IS a little bit easier when surrounded by those who can relate on some level. Wishing you all the best - and again - welcome!! Looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet

Hello @Peacefuldaydream - I wanted to welcome you to After Silence. I too am a survivor of psychological/mental/verbal and emotional abuse by my ex-husband. Believe it or not, it took me YEARS after our divorce (it was back in 2009!) to realize that this was a form of domestic violence. I'd always categorized domestic violence as being of the physical kind, but have come to understand that the silent form of DV is potentially much, MUCH worse. Physical injuries heal, but the psychological ones last a very long time. Adding to what I already know I have survived (rape, possibly CSA), this was an overwhelming new thought to have to process. So, I understand where you are coming from. I'm so sorry this has brought you here but am hopeful that you will find that the people here are truly supportive, wonderful and kind. Please don't hesitate to look around all of our forums, and do take your time in getting your story out. There's no rush at all. You need to keep yourself feeling safe. When you are ready, we will be here to listen. Again, welcome. Looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet

Hi, @Moorel, Welcome to After Silence. I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you here, but am glad that you have found this community. Many have been referred to us by therapists for the same reasons - online support is an excellent resource to have if it can be used safely. We are glad to have you! I think that peer support is extremely important. It is something that took me a LONG time to utilize, and much of your post, I feel like I could have written, myself. I feel SO very validated here, though. There are still moments where I feel awkward posting - but even if I choose to refrain from posting, there is always such comfort in reading others' accounts - not knowing that they've been through similar but that I'm not alone and my feelings aren't 'crazy' or 'wrong.' I feel that I learn SO much about myself every day - and to gain this knowledge is to eventually heal the mind. Anyway, I welcome you again - looking forward to walking this journey with you! Best wishes, Capulet

Hello @Gemma23 - Hi, and welcome to After Silence!!! I am sorry to learn of the circumstances under which you've arrived, but I want you to know that although you are nervous and anxious, you've still taken such a tremendous step toward healing by joining our community and by introducing yourself as a survivor. Good for you!! This is no small feat - it's a huge step and you should be proud of yourself for having taken it. Please feel free to 'ramble' as much as you like. We are all here to do the same thing and to support each other. Again, welcome, and if there's ever anything I can do to help, please feel free to give a shout. Until then, please take your time familiarizing yourself with our many forums. I hope that being here provides a level of peace and comfort and brings forth eventual healing! All the best, Capulet

Hello, @Amsekhmet - and welcome to After Silence!!! I'm so glad you've been able to connect with some folks here and that you are finding that there is great benefit to belonging to a community filled with so many others who can relate. I have found After Silence to be one of my biggest lifelines - and this site is indeed a second home to me! My experience was also in 1996 - and although I was not drugged, I definitely can relate to not having a whole lot of support at the time - the loneliness, the feeling that no one understood. I was a total wreck! Thank god for this place - I've met so many wonderful friends here - and my significant other, too! I also extend the invitation to reach out to me if you ever need to talk. There's no limit on the amount of support you'll find here - we're happy to have you among us and I thank you in advance for your kindness and support, too. It means the world to me and to many others, to hear this. Wishing you all the best on your healing processes! - Capulet

Hi @Kenzi - welcome to After Silence. The folks here are absolutely fantastic and truly are a supportive bunch. Many have only shared with a select few and even for me, some of the closest people to me do not know of the trauma I've experienced. It is very hard to find a place where you can feel safe to discuss the effects of trauma, and I'm hopeful that being here will show you that you are by no means alone and that you've got company on this healing journey. Wishing you all the best - looking forward to getting to know you. All the best, Capulet

Hi, @faeryblossoms - welcome to After Silence! I love to write, too. It's always been my biggest outlet. I hope you'll check out our Healing through Creativity forum when you get an opportunity - you can share some of your art and some of your writing there, if you would like. It's nice to 'meet' you, although I am sorry that you found us as a result of traumatic circumstances - but am hopeful that being here is another several leaps in the healing direction. I wish you well in this journey - and hope that you find this is a great place to be and there's never a shortage of support. All the best, Capulet

Hello @Zazka and welcome to After Silence! I am in agreement with Mary, you've found an incredibly supportive community and I hope that being here among those who understand will bring you peace, comfort and eventual healing. Take gentle care, looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet