Capulet

Hi, everyone!! Hoping you're all doing well. I know my updates are getting more rare, and for that, I do apologize. I'm really trying to get back into my writing habits, but it seems I've been experiencing some cloudiness. More on that as we continue. I'm hanging in there, though, as best as I can. School is in full swing, now. We're now in our third week. I've just received this morning the date of my first midterm...yep, you read correctly - we're ALREADY getting ready for midterms! Of course, there's no shortage of actual schoolwork to do before then - four papers to do, (one for American Government, three for Social Work, one of them being an interview of another social work professional in the field of my choosing) and there will also be a midterm for at least two or three out of the five classes - the rest of my grades depend on class participation/work/online quizzes, all of which I'm working on - whether I'm volunteering answers in class or throwing out a thought here and there. Summer is beginning to pack her bags and to dish out those final warmer days before she disappears until next June. The mornings are becoming chilly - and midday highs are lingering around 70. It's still warm, but there is still that all-too-familiar feeling that is TRYING to remind me that the Fall is right around the corner. We're not yet seeing the emerging fall colors, but this will be soon. I used to be able to avoid it all, for the most part, but I can't anymore. For the first time in 20 years, I do not have the choice to stay home and just keep the blinds closed. I can't 'tune out' the season changes like I used to be able to, now that I'm out and about every day. Last year, I made it a point to drive to the store while it was still daylight - and just take in the natural beauty of the mountains. All while telling myself, this wasn't where I was hurt - this was a whole different scene - a much, MUCH nicer one. I was able to gain somewhat of a new appreciation of the prettiness of it all. I remember writing/saying something to the extent of, "I got this, Fall isn't going to own me, anymore." While I'm not ready to completely disregard that statement, it just feels a little bit different this year, and I'd be willing to bet all of my chips on it being because of the restarting of school. 23 years ago - I FAILED almost all of my midterms. I'd been raped a couple of weeks before they were given. I was completely unprepared, and any attempts to cram were unsuccessful because there just wasn't any room in my brain for lecture recollections or memorized textbook definitions. What WAS there, was prevalent and I'd thrown in the academic towel before the semester actually was halfway over with. The one midterm I might have passed, I passed by the skin of my teeth. Something interesting I've noticed about myself, though... First, though, let it be known that I'm NOT a school person. I'm not a scholarly type. I VERY HONESTLY believe I have some sort of a learning disability, or at the very least, undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder. This has ALWAYS been the case, even pre-rape, even in high school in the early to mid-90's. The Oompa, a schoolteacher, used to confine me to my room when I had a test coming up (where she thought I'd be the least distracted) to study. I'd sit on my bed, and TRY to read whatever was in the textbook in front of me. Key word here - TRY. It never would happen, though, for I'd get LOST in the text, and find my eyes drifting to the poster of Luke Perry on my wall (RIP, Luke) or to stuffed animals, or to ANYTHING other than the study material that I just couldn't deal with. Hours would go by, she'd come in and try to 'quiz' me - and then she'd toss the book back at me when I came up empty and told that I had another hour to miraculously learn weeks worth of material. She'd also say that if I scored any less than an 80% on the test, I'd be grounded...in reality, though, she really had nothing to 'take' from me other than TV. "You're not watching insert-TV-show-here tonight!" But anyway - school was ALWAYS a nightmare, and I've always had it in my head that I was going to fail because I couldn't focus...what the hell WAS focus, anyway?? I just had zero ability to do it. My mind would wander, my brain would throw up the fences and information wasn't being retained...it was being rejected and bouncing back out almost as quickly as it'd be pushed in. Now, I'm STILL not a school person. I've not really opened my books, yet, because I know how it was in the past, how I'll start reading and VERY quickly forget what it was I've just read. I've browsed with my highlighter on some of my textbook pages, but I've not yet done the deeper, in-depth reading. I've only gone to the textbooks when I needed a definition of something - or a quick explanation of what something was and it wasn't available on the internet (another something I couldn't do in 1996 - the internet DID exist but access wasn't as easy as it is, now!) or the professor was wanting specific definitions as put by the required course textbooks. One textbook had exercises, so there was need to actually open that one - but for the most part, I've been focusing on what I can do without subjecting myself to reading that won't stick in. For example - those four papers that I have to do - I've found that starting word documents for each paper has helped, even if I'm for now just writing the paper topic at the top and throwing notes and a potential outline in there for when the time comes to put it all together. They are due October 7th, 24th, November 7th and December 5th. Obviously, I'll focus on the October papers, first, but I'm finding myself being more obsessed with getting things started, WAY before they'll come due....just to make myself feel that I can breathe a little when the due dates grow closer. This is a huge difference in me from when I was in high school. I don't know if being older has anything at all to do with it. I know ADD though, is not curable. I STILL can't sit and read through a book - especially not a textbook with big, fancy words. I know myself, though. When the time comes to prepare for midterms, I'm going to be obsessing on whether the papers are at least being worked on. I'm ALSO going to worry about whether I've screwed myself because I've not put in the reading beforehand, and spent too much time trying to get ahead on other things. So...it's a catch-22 anyway, isn't it? Let it be known that the Son doesn't have this problem. He can avoid opening books (I don't even know why he buys them) and he still pulls a 3.8 GPA. (Yes, because of this, he's been called a jerk...but he's MY jerk, and I love him and am SO proud of him.) Anyway. Moving along. I'm definitely in the school and homework groove I SHOULD have been in, all those years ago. 'Better late than never,' right? I've had such an outpouring of support from those of you who know how hard it's been to restart this old engine that sputtered all these years ago...and as always, it's appreciated, it's loved and it's needed. A continuance of that encouragement is needed, also, as there's nine weeks remaining in the semester. In other news... The wifey and I went to Philly last weekend and took in a baseball game at Citizens Bank Park. It was nice to just be able to relax, enjoy one another's company, and reconnect. Even better, her Red Sox beat the Phillies, and knocked them down a couple of notches. My Mets are still in the wild card race. Which is, of course, the only scenario where I'd root for the Red Sox. Last week, the daughter, while horsing around with her brother, broke her pinkie finger on her right hand. I suppose trying to swat him was a bad idea. Although the daughter agrees, she's not entirely upset with the orthopedic's instructions that she skip gym for two weeks. Bowling two times a week has started up, again. Back to my Monday and Friday night leagues, and thoroughly enjoying being back in that groove. I have missed doing that over the summer. Between my uncle/first abuser dying, and a couple of other personal issues (having nothing to do with the uncle dying) coming up, I spent a good portion of this summer doing some self-reflection, ultimately leading me back into T. T is...well...T. On that note, I had an appointment this afternoon after class. Went in and sat down, with no idea what to talk about. I've heard of people growing attached, reliant on their therapists, and I'm just not feeling this with her. She's nice and all - always starts out with, 'how are you doing?' Today, we talked about school, and how I'm adjusting. How's my anxiety, things like that. I told her everything's fine. I mentioned NONE of what I mentioned above. Silly, no? I think the word I'm looking for is, 'predictable.' I've just never had a T challenge me or my thinking. But...she asked how things were going on the home front. Better, I had to admit. Now that I have more to fill my days with, more to occupy myself with, I don't really sit and stew when she goes out with her friends. We've determined that I'm just not a social butterfly (which anyone who knows me at this point, ALREADY knows) and that's okay. It's just how I am. Then, she took out her pen and notepad and said that next time, we were going to start working on some of my deeper issues, including the ones from whence the social awkwardness potentially emerged. I tried to contain my excitement when I mumbled, "sounds good." Other than that, there really isn't much happening in my world. I am SURE the next few weeks will bring forth a slew of additional thoughts. Although I've been keeping busy, there's still that familiar little voice, that says, 'you better not forget that I'm still here!' Right now, it's a whisper, a little reminder that no matter how much I would like to, how much I try, I cannot deny its existence. I am hoping that I can keep the volume down by taking the time to somehow acknowledge this year's traumaversary, even if I exercise self-care and self-indulgence (extra caramel iced coffee) on the actual date. I know it'll never be fully muted, though, and that the only way to keep it from becoming 'loud' again is to let these thoughts be and deal with them as they pop up. On one hand, being back at school is helpful because it keeps my mind busy. On the other, it's a reminder of where I was and what I was doing 23 years ago when my trauma happened. Guess we'll see how that all goes! Hoping all is well with everyone. I've stayed up WAY past my bedtime tonight - but seemingly my body doesn't want to ALLOW for me to sleep for a longer period of time than the 4-5 hours I'm normally accustomed to. I'm sure I'll be paying for it tomorrow (today) but, I'll deal with that tomorrow (today). Maybe a cap-nap will be in order (typo was added on purpose) tomorrow. Talk soon, - Capulet

Hi Matt!!! Welcome to After Silence. I'm sorry to hear you've encountered abuse by your best friend. That's never a nice thing to hear when a new member introduces themselves. I am glad though, that he is now a former friend. I do, however, want to say you're in a truly warm, embracing community where support and kindness is unwavering. I hope that being here provides you peace, comfort and healing. I'm glad to hear you'll look around some before posting . Take all the time you need. Your story will not go anywhere - when you're ready to share, we will be here to listen and to support. Sending my best wishes. Capulet

Hi, @Lauren23 and welcome to AS! I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble finding people who can relate/understand. This is a great community filled with many supportive souls, so I am hopeful that you'll see that you're not alone!! Take your time browsing. If you ever need assistance with anything, please know that our staff is just a holler away! Best wishes, Capulet

Hi @lilyhailey! Welcome to After Silence. I'm so sorry to learn of the trauma you've experienced 2 years ago. I'm so glad you've found us, though. You are in a safe, judgement-free zone, here. SO many of us have been through the very same painful feeling of being alone - I am hoping you will see that is not the case here in this community. The folks here are very kind and understanding and truly can relate. It is my sincerest hope that the connections you're likely to make while visiting will leave you feeling that healing is entirely possible. I do hope you will stick around! Please take your time looking around. We do have a forum for teens and young adult survivors, even though trauma has affected us all and what you're feeling is relatable by members of all ages. I wish you peace, comfort and healing. If you ever need any help with anything or have any questions, you may reach out to me anytime. My best wishes to you! Capulet

Welcome to After Silence, @Lightbug!!! I'm sorry that circumstances have had you searching for a safe place for a while now, but am glad you've found your way here. This is truly a wonderful community, and although I'm sad your experiences have made life a bit more frustrating, I'm hopeful that being here will make things easier. The people are lovely, kind, patient, and most of all, supportive. So many can relate to how you are feeling, and even though we don't like to know such pain exists, it's a comfort to know we're not alone. Take your time looking around...when you're ready, feel free to jump in! Again, welcome. Wishing you well in your healing processes, and am looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet

Hi @violetsmum - welcome to After Silence. Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I have five weird cats and two weird teenagers - and I'm told I'm a little weird sometimes, but not to worry - it's a good kind of weird. I, too, spend a fair amount of time writing! I'm sorry you have experienced trauma, but am truly glad you're here. This is a terrific site filled with amazingly supportive folks. It won't take long for you to realize that you're not alone, there is strength in numbers, and that healing is truly possible. Again, welcome. Looking forward to getting to know you! Best wishes, Capulet

Wow. I know I haven't been here in a while. I wish I could say that my OCD over posting my three installments in order, without a random blog in between that would 'interrupt the flow' was my sole reason for this blog-hiatus (or a 'bl-iatus') but I'd be lying through my fingers. I just haven't been feeling it. This summer has been a rough one - and I've only shared with a select few, the details that have kept me somewhat absent from my blog. While I've remained a constant presence here on the site, I HAVE been distracted and my work here has helped provide alternative focuses when they were needed. Those details will not be shared here, as they are still very personal and raise some hurt feelings that I've not entirely been able to bury, yet. I am chalking this up to being yet another hurdle that has been thrown into my path, and we know all too well that sometimes due process takes longer than we'd like. Patience is key - in healing from hurts both old and new. I know and understand this, and safe to say, my patience has been put to the challenge during the last couple of months. I did post three very 'heavy' installments to my story recently. Thank you to those of you who have read and commented on those installments. I've been at somewhat of a loss for words when it comes to returning responses on some of it, but that, along with many other things, ARE on my to-do list. On one hand, I can't believe that I actually wrote out some of the things I did - and on the other, I'm emotionally drained and I think that for a while, simply reading the kind, supportive comments posted by others, has been hugely helpful. In some ways, I'm still processing a lot of things, (particularly from installment three) and there is indeed a cacophony of words swirling around but the right ones aren't coming to me, yet - whether I need them to add to the installment, or to respond to others, or to make sense of them, myself. My uncle's passing hasn't really brought up any new feelings, thoughts, concerns, etc - and honestly, I did fully expect it to. Other stressors, I think, are defnitely contributing to this block (can't think of a better word), but for now, this is okay with me. I think that again, my patience with myself is going to be put to the test as I continuously remind myself that there is a time and place for things to be dealt or coped with. Sometimes, it's simply not up to me when these things happen. I am better, now, though, than I was before. Things have improved and I've re-familiarized myself with a level of optimism that I didn't have two months ago. So, that's something. I'm hopeful that things will continue to improve as now I've restarted therapy after a decade and am working on me, in hopes of coming out of it all with a significantly healthier outlook. I've not yet delved too far into my trauma history, but I'm pretty sure that's going to eventually become a focus as we proceed with weekly appointments. So, let's move along, now. While I cannot promise that I won't become scarce again, I'd still like to make an effort to catch you all up on a couple things that have been going on in recent weeks. I started school this past Monday! Right out of the gate, two professors emailed to let me know that they were delayed with family issues, one would not be there until Friday and the other won't be showing up until 9/9, but we should still attend because there would be a substitute there to teach in interim. The first professor, as promised, has returned and we're underway. My Diversity class, though, although the substitute is a very well-educated man, has been VERY hard to follow on account of his accent - it's Indian, I want to say, and I find myself often 'drifting.' Thankfully the discussions are power-point supplemented so I'm able to just take notes and not worry too much about missed verbal content. I really like the two introduction to Social Work classes I'm taking - one in particular taught by a practicing social worker who has an office and sees clients when she's not teaching classes! The other professor has almost every letter of the alphabet after HIS name....BSW, MSW, LCS, Ph.D among others that I'm sure means he's highly qualified to teach a bunch of entry-level social work majors. He was the giver of my first assignment, due in two days - a response paper detailing why I chose the social work field and what strengths I bring to the chosen area of practice. Had to describe two practices that I'd be interested in focusing in and I debated on whether to explain that my reasons were somewhat personal but figured this would validate the 'strengths' question. There was a third question that needed answering and it had to do with the basic guidelines of social work - code of ethics, etc. Why are they in place? I know, it seems to go without saying but I'm pleased to say that little by little, I'm learning more about the processes involved and I'm absolutely fascinated. I turned in that assignment a couple of nights ago in hopes of my first 'A,' but know that as I've been out of the 'school loop' for 20 years, I'm likely to be rusty in a few areas. I must also add that It's pretty neat seeing the Son on a daily basis. We'll likely drive in together a couple days per week - he has classes within the same department (the Criminal Justice and Social Work programs/buildings are within close proximity) so I will see my firstborn during hallway passings. The Daughter started 8th grade on Monday, too, and so far, so good. I'm sure that as the school year unravels, we'll be hearing about excitement and possibly drama on all three fronts. For now, though, I'm grateful for a successful first week. 11 more to go until winter break! So, in the interests of maintaining a successful balance with today's blog, I have a question for you all. WHY does shit happen on the weekends???? I mean, I know shit happens. Life has a way of showing us this, ALL the time. But seriously, it's WAY easier when shit decides to happen during the week. Preferably Monday through Thursday. Because, then, if the shit that happens is urgent shit, we can at least have Friday to make any and all necessary calls to try and rectify said shit. Still with me? So, Friday NIGHT - the daughter comes into my computer room and announces that we've got no running water. She was trying to refill her water bottle and 'nothing was coming out.' SHIT. Let it be known that we have well water and it's via pump that it comes into the house. Pump runs on electric. If there's a power outage, we're also not going to have running water until either we're hooked up to a generator or the power is restored. When we moved into our house 2 years ago, the pump quit within a month of us living there. Woke up one morning and none of the faucets were willing to produce any water. It was a $2000 fix; guys come and install a new pump. Underground pumps are SUPPOSED to last for 8-10 years and it's only been 2. Our last major power outage was in March of 2018, so that had been the last time, also, without running water. So, I went to bed on Friday night thinking, maybe it's not the pump, maybe it's an electrical issue, maybe it's a short, maybe it's something to do with the pressure tank, maybe it's this, maybe it's that, maybe it's something simple, and I'm losing precious sleep for no good reason... It's the fucking pump, isn't it? That's what my brain kept going back to. But it made no sense to wake my sleeping wife to alert her to the problem - who were we going to call at 2am? (Yes, as it wasn't a school night, I decided that staying awake past 1:30am was going to be an accepted challenge...happy to announce that slowly but surely, sleep is becoming harder to avoid on nights before having to get up for morning class!) But I slept like the shit mentioned above on Friday night, because my brain, very used to dealing with shit on a regular basis, was not allowing for sleep to take over. Instead of just resigning to the fact that there was nothing that could be done about this shit at least until the morning, I was now laying there in worry over how I was gonna catch up on the dishes and laundry that had accumulated during this first week of school... Trying to self-declare that it was ANY other issue than the pump, J and I spent a good portion of yesterday trying to get ahold of the gentlemen (or at least, the company) who installed the well pump in 2017. Let us now refer back to the statement of shit only seeming to happen on weekends, and now point out that it's not only a weekend - it's a HOLIDAY weekend, so any shit that decides to happen on Labor Day weekend, you can be SURE is going to be extra nasty to try and deal with. First, we were told that their technician was already out taking care of another emergency call - he'd call us back when he was finished. Three hours later, the same technician calls and says he's not actually 'the plumber' and that he'd reach out to their plumber and we'd hear back from HIM. 'Momentarily,' he said. When 'momentarily' never came, we called back and were told that we'd likely have to wait until Tuesday to speak with someone in their plumbing department. They proceeded in telling us that the warranty on the pump they'd installed two years ago was likely expired. Meanwhile, no one was calling back, we had no running water and we're both getting annoyed because we STILL don't know what the problem is. At this point, the shit was becoming BULLSHIT. J called another company, and got a very nice man on the phone. Apparently new water pumps SHOULD come with a five-year warranty. So, now, we know the first company was probably jerking us around and didn't intend to come help us. They probably KNEW that this pump was SUPPOSED to be under warranty, and didn't wish to honor that warranty - or to send any of their guys out on a weekend. We didn't want to have to wait until Tuesday to even get the issue looked at, so we decided to have this other company come out (at a higher weekend rate), and at least diagnose the problem. If it was a simple fix, we wouldn't have to worry about warranties, about dealing with the first company. But, alas - it IS the fucking pump. The guy showed up and took a look at the breakers, at the water heater, the electrical wiring. All of our fears were confirmed when he shook his head and said, "Yep. It's the pump." GREAT. (You may envision me swearing at this point because it's entirely accurate. I'll refrain from typing it all up, here.) So we pay him the weekend rate (double, I'm thinking) for coming out and checking things out. He left saying that should we go with his company, the money we paid for the initial visit would be applied toward the total price of the job of replacing our pump. Incentive and motivation indeed. But now, this leaves us with another dilemma. Do we want to wait until Tuesday to get ahold of the proper person at the company who first installed our pump in 2017 and see if the warranty could be honored - especially after they already indicated that it was 'expired'? Or did we want to go with these new guys who would be willing to come install a new pump first thing the next morning, and apply the three hundred bucks and change we'd just paid, toward the new pump they'd have to put in? Deciding that neither we, or our five cats, could stand being without water for the next three days, we decided to go with the first-thing-tomorrow-morning option and we're going to task the Oompa with dealing with the company who installed our first pump. They acted VERY unprofessionally when we needed their help and they're NOT going to be without responsibility. Even though the newer company referred to the death of THAT pump as simply being 'Mother Nature pressing the FU button,' and confirmed it was nothing we did nor was it caused by the workmanship of the previous company. Likely during one of our summer t-storms, there had been a power surge, and the pump had shorted. "It happens," he said, "but we do offer that five-year warranty!" Oompa, despite her many faults that we've come to recognize, has many talents. Dealing with difficult people is indeed one of them. She's a woman who makes shit happen and gets shit done. So, dealing with 2017's water pump company is going to be a mission that J and I will GLADLY pass onto her. Tomorrow morning arrived and has become tonight. The laundry that's been piling up on the bathroom floor has been relocated into the machine, that will remain unplugged until water flow is restored into the House of Capulet. I've already had to disappoint a certain orange feline of majestic size several times this morning in letting him know that his daily indulgence of drinking from the kitchen tap was unavailable. He's been giving me those sad amber-colored eyes ALL day - translation: "HUMAN. I want my water. WHY are you not turning on the tap!?" I apparently do not speak 'cat,' so I've given him extra doses of kisses and for now, he's been catching up on his sleep. Being pure royalty is such hard work, after all! He's been satisfied, though, with the pouring of a bottle of spring water into the bowl he shares with his sibling cats. The guys have been here since 11am and two trips 'back to the office because they forgot something' have been made. It is now nearly six in the evening and we've STILL not showered. There is enough grease in my hair to fry up a batch of chicken cutlets. I feel absolutely disgusting. MY HOUSE feels filthy! As there are only a couple hours remaining of daylight, I'm hoping the job will be completed soon enough and that the shower we both desperately need is on the horizon! Anyway - will be back later next week with another update. I have missed utilizing this space to talk about everything and nothing - and sharing with you all those things that aren't posted about in the forums. And I know that lately, I COULD have opted to put these things into a coherent blog entry, but - timing is everything! Perhaps as more clarity is gained, I will slowly be able to speak on some of the other things. Much in my life is beginning to change, and while some people 'pwn' these changes - I seem to take a longer time than necessary to adapt. I've still missed everyone and I'm here to stay. Even if my water pump isn't. (And hopefully this new one will last longer!). I'm also hopeful that you've all had a good summer! Sending you all love and light! (and let there be water!) - Capulet

Hello @Ro_91 and welcome! I'm sad to hear of the circumstances surrounding your arrival, but am hopeful that you'll discover soon that you're not alone here. So many have been through similar experiences and likely can relate on some level. Please take all the time you need to look around, and jump in anytime you're ready. Always around if you need any help with anything. Best wishes, Capulet

Hi @AngelasAshes and a very hearty welcome to After Silence! I'm so sorry for the trauma both you and your child have experienced. I'm glad you've been looking around for a little while and that you are liking what you see, here. AS has truly been a godsend for me, and I'm sure many others will echo my sentiments. You are so right about those what-ifs sometimes becoming a hinderance to our progress. I do hope that those therapists get back to you in a timely fashion. Until then, yes, please, do lean on us - so many others (to include me) have their own what-ifs and you're definitely not alone. Here for you if you need anything. All the best, Capulet

Welcome to After Silence, @Beccawife32 - I'm so sorry that trauma has led you to our community, but I am glad you're here. This is truly an amazing place filled with wonderful, supportive folks. I hope that being here further paves your path to healing. I thank you in advance for the support you'll be showing others. It truly does take a village!! We're all so blessed to have a safe space to support one another in our healing processes. Please let me know if you need help with anything! Best wishes! Capulet

Hello @Maajpvram and welcome to AS! I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but am hoping that you will see that there is strength in numbers and you're not alone! I am sad to hear that you and your husband are having troubles. It's not uncommon for a survivor to have difficulty finding a balance between a healthy relationship and a past that is marred by trauma. I do hope that reconciliation can be achieved as you begin to heal from your childhood abuse. Wishing you all the best and lots of luck! - Capulet