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About Celia

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    Staying Quiet

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    Listening to music and writing poems

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  1. When I was 12 years old, my memories came back to me. However, for some reason, I stayed silent and didn't tell anybody. I was suddenly changing from how I looked to how I acted and what I thought. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know why I had the memories I did. I didn't even know if they were real, but then I thought, "Well, why are they suddenly in my head?" I suffered for two years, greatly, consistantly getting in trouble and absolutely screwing up everything. Anything I said was at the wrong time. A single look, and I was getting smacked from behind. I got yelled at on a day-
  2. School (university) started back up not even a week ago and I'm already falling to pieces and now crying myself to sleep. :cry:

    1. Finchy


      I'm sorry, Celia. That sounds so difficult. :( Sending you strength and positive vibes to make it through each day. ❤️ Sitting with you.

    2. Celia


      @mini.finch Thank you 😔🙏

  3. I'm back on this site, But have no words to say. I've been stuck in silence, And wanna go away. But I can't go away, I must stay for the days. The good and the bad, The ugly, wait, I take it back. Things were silent, Yes, talking about the abuse case. Things were put on hold, And close for more than a "few days." Months later, Here I stand. With my memories triggering, Oh, and my friend? Stood up and came out, Same thing happened to her. By my abuser? Go figure, he's a ch
  4. I can't speak.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Celia


      Thank you both 😔

    3. Doll6


      Sorry I’m late, sitting with you too 

    4. Celia
  5. Well, I'm back.  After tricking myself to think I've been okay since October, and I'm not.  Why do people think therapy is supposed to suddenly fix everything and make you okay?  I finished therapy already and I'm NOT okay. 😭😭


    Anyone I can talk to?  Even if it's just to know each other and talk about what we like, and not about memories.  


    The thing about this site, though, is I don't even know what to say anymore.  I feel like anything I say is useless as everyone is going through the same thing, one other person just added to statistics.  Like I mean nothing.

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Celia


      @WannaMoveOn That sounds amazing, I'd love to do something like that especially as I don't really have in-person friends to speak to and my online ones (two of them) are busy and I don't like to bug.  I just... I don't know what to say to a therapist or how they'd help me.... or whether it's even worth it.

      I came forward (well... to police) July 2020.  A year after that, things went silent because there wasn't "proof" or enough to bring to court, so it was closed.  However, a friend of mine from when I was very young, experienced abuse like me and came forward.  Now things are started up again and the possibility of testifying in court is back in my mind.  

      I just feel so much, that I don't even know how to explain it and for years, I was used to staying in silence so that's all I feel like doing... but a huge part of me wants to just tell everyone and everything I can while crying.  I'm afraid that I might resort to cutting again if I remain quiet.  I might start talking on here or doing my old poems again.. maybe that'll help.  I'll do that as my therapy for now.

    3. WannaMoveOn


      Then it sounds like you finding somewhere to share is crucial, especially if it what it takes to make you not SH. Have you been at our SH-forum lately, for replacement methods? :( 

      All my support to you, please stay around, and if you want a T, then you should have the last word in that, especially since you are a legal adult now. Having a T is not weak, it shows that you take actions and responsibility for yourself. 💙

    4. Celia


      @WannaMoveOn I suppose, but I'm always told otherwise, that depending on a therapist isn't going to help you because there won't always be one to depend on and you wouldn't be able to take care or depend on yourself.  

      I do knwo about the SH-forum.  I don't like to go there often, though, as I feel triggered sometimes and the replacement methods normally leads to my usual SH.

  6. Oml, I am so sorry. It's so unfortunate how many people can relate. I send lots of comfort your way and hope you have better dreams. Thank you for commenting and taking the time to read my nightmare.
  7. What you talkin about Yea, you better shut your mouth I got dynamite, don't speak out Keep those damn words to yourself I'm not interested in your lies In your jacket or about your life In your words that you share so shy Fuck that, you're fucking sly Fucking backstabber, go cry I don't give a shit about your eye Trip down the stairs, two times Then to come to me and whine I'm no longer your petty "wife" I don't care if you fucking die Turned me into a damn slayer I hope you like my knife the killer
  8. Not gonna lie I'm stuck in a drought Stuck in the road Stuck in the clouds I don't wanna hide But that's how I pout Locked in my room Cry my eyes out Hide from the world That's how I'm down Don't tell me to stop That's how I drown Don't tell me to speak That's how I freak Caught in my thought Anxiety eating me Making me die You caught my lie But making me cry All day long 'n night Just like that day Yea, wasn't alright I remember clearly Yea, wasn't too
  9. Thank you for the support and sitting with me
  10. I am so so sorry 🥺😓 I wanted to cry just reading that. I'm so sorry for what you've been through and are still going through. I'm sorry
  11. Hello. How are you? It's been a while, I know. In some ways, that's a good thing though, right? It means I haven't had any bad thoughts or sexual ones, to be specific. And by thoughts, I mean being triggered and depressed in my room. Although, I'm not home right now, I'm in WI. My home is in NC. Quite a bit away, but I'll be going home tomorrow. So, it's okay. I'm just chilling with family here in WI, nothing bad. Well, there has been some bad things. I keep having nightmares. Every day, but two. I've been here since July 20th. Only two days, did I have no nightm
  12. Well.  In three days (two days in two hours), I'll be gone with other family members for two weeks.  I hope I don't get triggered there.  My family there knows I've been abused.  What will they do?  This is the first time they're seeing me since they found out everything!  Not details, of course.  Will they ask me for details? 🥺🥺 I'm concerned and worried, but excited... but scared.  My anxiety hates this right now. 😣😣

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Free2Fly


      Your welcome, hope your doing okay tonight/day. :)

    3. Celia


      Thank you, but unfortunately, I'm doing very badly.  Thank you for caring though.  I hope you're well.  

    4. Free2Fly


      I'm sorry your doing badly, sitting with you hope stuff gets better.

      I'm okay I guess, thank you for asking.

  13. Celia


    Same. I'm very sorry that you and many others can relate. It's heartbreaking.
  14. Celia


    Thank you 🥺😔
  15. How am I supposed to be myself? When everyday I'm told to be like someone else. Always criticized and daily insulted Just for being who I am inside, that's it. I am my own enemy, Always listening to everyone and everything. Wanting to be perfect, Or at least accepted for myself. But I'm talked to like I should be someone else. Although, all the inspiring speeches told, They say you're perfect inside and out. They say to be yourself, it's okay to cry, But sometimes I feel like that's just a lie. If that were t
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