Hello. How are you? It's been a while, I know. In some ways, that's a good thing though, right? It means I haven't had any bad thoughts or sexual ones, to be specific. And by thoughts, I mean being triggered and depressed in my room. Although, I'm not home right now, I'm in WI. My home is in NC. Quite a bit away, but I'll be going home tomorrow. So, it's okay. I'm just chilling with family here in WI, nothing bad.
Well, there has been some bad things. I keep having nightmares. Every day, but two. I've been here since July 20th. Only two days, did I have no nightmares. The others, all nightmares. Not even dreams or good things, just flat out nightmares.
One was about my sister being very harmed and I woke up crying. One was about these water spider bugs that were disguised as ants and were chasing my sister and I in a boat. Another was about me being at this weird camp where everyone was required to be naked and my mom actually left me there. And a traumatizing, but not really nightmare I had was a few days ago and it was a sexual one, actually. I was raped. However, it was so unbelievable and unrealistic within the scene and place I didn't even recognize, that it barely even bugs me. Well, I have to say, it doesn't bug me at all actually. I have weird nightmares... huh?
Well, last night, I had a really, really bad nightmare. And by "bad," I mean I woke up crying, scared, worried that my nightmare actually happened. In the nightmare, I was in the comfort of my grandmother's house. Everyone there, I knew, recognized, and was familiar with. Everything seemed SO realistic. The only thing that was so realistic, was that what happened to me took place outside... in the woods... in the dark. And those woods, was the bedroom because I remember screaming and yelling due to the pain I was in and my aunt walks into the bedroom door, but it's dark and she's asking what's wrong and said she couldn't see anything. It was horrible.
This nightmare had a more effect on me due to it being around people I knew. Unfortunately, I'm getting used to being hurt/expecting family rather than friends harming me. Not that friends won't harm me, I fully expect that as well. I guess we can say that I don't feel safe with anyone anymore. Strangers scare me and we'll, my family, I want to trust them and now they'll never hurt me, but then what's going to happen? I'll be harmed, just like my step-father did to me. Of whom, I thought was the best father I'm the world and I would even call him daddy. No. I don't trust anyone. And if I say I trust someone or give them trust, they are very lucky. I'll put it that way.
For those of you who follow my blogs, you may be aware of my abuse stories and what happened to me when I was younger. This nightmare triggered a lot of that for me. In this nightmare, I'll skip to the immediate bad part that hurt me, a tall and thick male had me held down. I remember running and he grabbed me from behind and wrapped his arms around my stomach. He threw me down to the ground and he got my legs pinned and stuck underneath his huge body. Then he started sliding up my body and he pulled out his d**k, said "open," and tried shoving it in my mouth. (Sound familiar to my abuse memories?) This is so painful to talk about. I need to get this out though or it's going to kill me while I'm on this vacation. After me not opening my mouth and him desperately trying to shove it in my mouth, he said "fine," smirked with this grin on his face, and moved a bit back down my body. He then grabbed my hand without me even having the chance to react and he put it against his d**k and closed his legs. That's when he started squeezing his legs, moaning, c**ing, and the entire time I was trying to pull my hand away, I was yelling, I was screaming to catch someone's attention, I was crying, I was saying "stop," "stop, please" 😭😭😭😭😭😭 and now I'm going to cry. After that part of my Aunt walking in and her still not seeing anything, the incident continued for about another minute and my aunt saying "what's the matter, I'm coming, where you?" And then the male stopped. I stumbled slowly out of the room, down the hallway, and kind of just walked straight out, with tears still streaming down my face and me breathing very fast. I remember then breaking down more into tears when I saw my grandmother and I walked back down the hallway. I walked into my grandmother's room and collapsed on her bed, just crying. As my grandmother walked in through the doors, I looked at her and couldn't help it, but I cried even more to the point I started choking. And... that's when I woke up. The first I saw when I woke up was my grandmother and I was crying horribly. I couldn't control my breathing. I went to the bathroom, and cried even more. I stopped myself, came out if the bathroom and back to the couch (where I sleep), and broke back down into tears.
And, unfortunately, I'm crying more. Thank you so much for reading and any support given.