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Worst Two Years


Celia

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When I was 12 years old, my memories came back to me.  However, for some reason, I stayed silent and didn't tell anybody.  I was suddenly changing from how I looked to how I acted and what I thought.  I didn't know who I was.  I didn't know why I had the memories I did.  I didn't even know if they were real, but then I thought, "Well, why are they suddenly in my head?"  I suffered for two years, greatly, consistantly getting in trouble and absolutely screwing up everything.  Anything I said was at the wrong time.  A single look, and I was getting smacked from behind.  I got yelled at on a day-to-day basis and was told to run laps for my sarcastic comments.  I didn't know who I was or who I had become.  I couldn't think, but knew that everything I did or said would be wrong, so I learned to stay silent and suffer alone.  I was scared to talk and anything I shared was somehow targeted back at me.  I didn't know if I should involve myself because everytime I did, it was turned to me.  I was yelled at and the center of the conversation or situation and suddenly whoever was in trouble was suddenly now only me.

I cried myself to sleep every single night when I was 12.  My birthday was soon coming up to 13.  I remember it so clearly and with everything I did and what I got myself into, I lost my birthday and it wasn't celebrated.  I walked to about God and the things my father did.  I was told that I needed to find myself because my mother lost her daughter.  She said she didn't know who I had become or where my real self was, but what they didn't know is I didn't know either.  I was gone and the other girl, I didn't even know who she was.  I always asked "how" when she said to bring myself back and I'd start crying because I honestly wanted to know.  I spent days and days crying, screaming in my pillow.  I didn't know where that girl was and I didn't know how to bring her back.  I forgot what she liked, but I knew what she would do.  She was a good sister and loved helping her little brother with school, but she changed.  She hated school and she pushed herself away from her family.  She hid in her room and sit in the corner of her bed.  She ate dinner in her room on the floor of the room with no TV.  She made these choices to be away because she was scared.  Anything she said, did, or thought, she knew she would get in trouble for.  She didn't know why, but even when she was trying to help, she managed to just screw everything up and make things worse.  This is when she quit.

This is the first time she planned suicide and wanted to leave.  She met a female friend online that promised to take her away.  I almost gave my address.  I was very close.  I gave my state and the city I was in, but my house address, I was scared to give.  "Would my family be upset?"  But then I didn't care anymore and I figured it would be for the best.  I decided to commit suicide instead.  I had planned it out.  My family lived near a road in a bad neighborhood.  I planned to walk into the road into traffic.  That was Plan A and Plan B was to drown in the bath.  Plan B I have tried before, but was not successfull as I could not go through with it.

These were the worst two years of my life and something my family doesn't know I felt.

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