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Found 2 results

  1. The Door I'm standing before a door. I am so tired. My heart is breaking, the grief chokes me. I feel as if I am drowning. The door stands between me and the healing I so long for. I know I must go thru it and face what is on the other side if I ever want to be whole again. I have kept this door shut, hidden away, locked up. I reach out and one by one begin to remove the locks. My hand grasps the knob and then, I stop. I know that on the other side is a little girl. Once the door is open, I will have to face her. I don't know if I can bear to look into her eyes. Eyes that are haunted by fear, shame, pain and confusion. No one knows what is happening to her and fear keeps her silent. But wait, she isn't truly alone and there is One who sees her suffering in silence. He feels her pain and her shame. And He is here with me now, holding me close as I begin to turn the knob. Together we push the door open and the little girl looks up. Our hands reach out and grasps hers. Hand in hand the three of us step onto the path, the beginning of a long journey. The way ahead looks dark and foreboding. At times the tears will flow, but they will be tears of healing and release. The little girl and I exchange a look and I nod. We are ready to see where this journey will take us. We can face our fears, knowing that nothing can separate us from the love of the One Who is walking this path with us. When we stumble and fall, He will pick us up. When we grow weary, He will strengthen us. We move forward, knowing there is nothing too big for Him to handle. With His help we will make it to the end, where there will be no more pain and no more tears.
  2. lcacejk

    20150624-001

    I had a few extra days off work and that seemed to make a difference in facing daily life. Maybe the meds are starting to kick in as well. Almost everything is getting a little easier except for dealing with my husband. I do love him dearly and I know he loves me but the drinking is getting so excessive. He becomes difficult and clingy and self-sacrificing. I am worried about his health and my mental health when he gets this way. It seems to trigger some very strong feelings of fighting with him even if he is meaning to be kind and gentle. I will find a way to work through it. Have had to wear the holtor monitor 96hrs over this past week. not being able to take a shower or move freely has been very frustrating. im irritated with myself because i gave in to this test again just to change a medication for my heart that i refuse to take anyway. i have no desire to extend my life any further than necessary. its really more about managing quality of life but i still dont like taking the meds. my blood pressure just seems to bottom out when i take it and i fall back into a depression from being stuck in bed again. im gonna be a grandma for the first time in october. not that i will get to see him often or ever. they are a days drive away and we arent that close anymore. i raised my sons to take care of themselves and the youngest was such a handful that we clashed just because we are so much alike. i love him dearly and im really glad he is making a life for himself. we are distant though. i had to draw a line with him and he chose to walk away. he did break his silence to tell me he was going to be a dad so maybe there is hope. i miss him and it breaks my heart that he has no family. he wasnt really mine, i just raised him because him adoptive parents literally walked away from him and left him with me. his mother left him with me because she was afraid of him and he was scary even as a little boy. aggressive and violent without sexual boundaries. he tested every limit i had in the years we knew each other. at times, i was just hoping he would stay out of prison but today he is becoming a success. he knows i love him and he knows i will be there for him in every way excepting bailing him out of his own mistakes. this isnt one though. he will be a great dad. something has changed for me. i dont know what it is but things are a bit easier to deal with in life. most things anyway. i still think of ending it all but not every hour of every day. sometimes, i can go a whole day without having those feelings.
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