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“is that why they call me a sullen girl? Sullen girl? They don’t know I use to sail the deep and tranquil seas until he washed me ashore and he took my pearl. And left and empty shell of me.“ -Fiona Apple, Sullen girl. Fiona Apple was a victim of rape at the age of twelve and wrote sullen girl . The song not only touches on the rape itself but also talks about the judgement she faced due to her behavior after the incident. unfortunately that is a harsh and truly unforgivable reality. Isn’t it? And everyone in the same exact breath turns around and asks why don’t they ask for help? Or why they don’t come forward sooner? Because your to busy bashing us. Because your to busy calling us whores. Or deeming is weak. Because your to busy feeling uncomfortable to help. Your to busy throwing your jeers and insensitive ignorant words around the see the pain we carry in our hearts and souls. I have four words for you... How.Fucking.Dare.You. we are in pain. We were dragged into terrible dark places and had our minds twisted and bodies violated and hurt. Confidence shattered afraid to love, afraid to feel physical contact, and all society, or friends and sadly enough even family members have done is judge us, mock us. How dare you! victims of sexual violence/assault/rape etc..are made to feel afraid of the scrutiny they will face rather than the perpetrators feeling afraid. This is one of the things that made it hard for me to come forward, even though I know my family. However I don’t think they quite don’t know what to do or they feel uncomfortable so they say whatever they think will make me feel better. sometimes it makes me feel like I have no place to turn. I don’t have many friends either and the ones I do have don’t understand the pain. But I to have faced the insensitive and hurtful remarks. In an earlier blog post I mentioned a friend who said he could see why people rape or commit sexual assault after I told him what happened to me. I also know some family members would put me under their microscopes if I dare breathe a word about what happened to me. But venting aside.... i do talk to an online therapist and though I like her she can only do so much. but there is another wonderful therapist I have been seeing. Music. It really has been a wonderful tool for me. Artists like Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, and Siouxsie Sioux have helped me deal and cope with my feelings of my own sexual assault through talking about their own experiences through their music. Sometimes when I think back on what happened to me and it becomes to much I’ll plug in my tunes. It helps me focus on something good and creative or helps me through my most raw and agonizing emotions. Even if I feel enraged or Incensed I turn on some Otep or System of a Down and handle whatever shit I need to handle. When I feel mellow and need a little pick me up I listen to ABBA, or Amy Winehouse or sometimes mellow isn’t a bad thing so it’s a little Ella Fitzgerald or Louis Armstrong. Yea..my music tastes are all over the place. But for me music has been a savior and almost like a friend. And an alternative to some of the horrible things I think about doing at times. Music also makes me feel safe I feel safe from my demons whom I can’t hear screaming because Jefferson Airplane is signing about the elusive white rabbit i feel safe from my neighbor who triggers me in more ways than one. Who has time to think of him when Blondie is singing about the man from mars? I feel safe from society when David Bowie is singing about the star man in the sky or when Leonard Cohen is singing about lovely Vienna and the waltz. I think another part of the reason music is so comforting is because it was made by artists who have faced or are still facing their own struggles. Some who have even been swallowed whole by them. Music is something society tries to put into its strict bullshit idealism of what it should and shouldn’t be. Real Music is art, pain, laughter sadness, light, darkness, triumph and hope and for some salvation. Although, sometimes I do need the support of another human being. But unfortunately it’s difficult to know who you can trust. This has been something that has been on my mind for awhile so the emotions are fresh and raw in my head so the blog reads like a rant and may jump from topic to topic and I apologize if it doesn’t make sense. But until then onwards and upwards!
The Door I'm standing before a door. I am so tired. My heart is breaking, the grief chokes me. I feel as if I am drowning. The door stands between me and the healing I so long for. I know I must go thru it and face what is on the other side if I ever want to be whole again. I have kept this door shut, hidden away, locked up. I reach out and one by one begin to remove the locks. My hand grasps the knob and then, I stop. I know that on the other side is a little girl. Once the door is open, I will have to face her. I don't know if I can bear to look into her eyes. Eyes that are haunted by fear, shame, pain and confusion. No one knows what is happening to her and fear keeps her silent. But wait, she isn't truly alone and there is One who sees her suffering in silence. He feels her pain and her shame. And He is here with me now, holding me close as I begin to turn the knob. Together we push the door open and the little girl looks up. Our hands reach out and grasps hers. Hand in hand the three of us step onto the path, the beginning of a long journey. The way ahead looks dark and foreboding. At times the tears will flow, but they will be tears of healing and release. The little girl and I exchange a look and I nod. We are ready to see where this journey will take us. We can face our fears, knowing that nothing can separate us from the love of the One Who is walking this path with us. When we stumble and fall, He will pick us up. When we grow weary, He will strengthen us. We move forward, knowing there is nothing too big for Him to handle. With His help we will make it to the end, where there will be no more pain and no more tears.
I had a few extra days off work and that seemed to make a difference in facing daily life. Maybe the meds are starting to kick in as well. Almost everything is getting a little easier except for dealing with my husband. I do love him dearly and I know he loves me but the drinking is getting so excessive. He becomes difficult and clingy and self-sacrificing. I am worried about his health and my mental health when he gets this way. It seems to trigger some very strong feelings of fighting with him even if he is meaning to be kind and gentle. I will find a way to work through it. Have had to wear the holtor monitor 96hrs over this past week. not being able to take a shower or move freely has been very frustrating. im irritated with myself because i gave in to this test again just to change a medication for my heart that i refuse to take anyway. i have no desire to extend my life any further than necessary. its really more about managing quality of life but i still dont like taking the meds. my blood pressure just seems to bottom out when i take it and i fall back into a depression from being stuck in bed again. im gonna be a grandma for the first time in october. not that i will get to see him often or ever. they are a days drive away and we arent that close anymore. i raised my sons to take care of themselves and the youngest was such a handful that we clashed just because we are so much alike. i love him dearly and im really glad he is making a life for himself. we are distant though. i had to draw a line with him and he chose to walk away. he did break his silence to tell me he was going to be a dad so maybe there is hope. i miss him and it breaks my heart that he has no family. he wasnt really mine, i just raised him because him adoptive parents literally walked away from him and left him with me. his mother left him with me because she was afraid of him and he was scary even as a little boy. aggressive and violent without sexual boundaries. he tested every limit i had in the years we knew each other. at times, i was just hoping he would stay out of prison but today he is becoming a success. he knows i love him and he knows i will be there for him in every way excepting bailing him out of his own mistakes. this isnt one though. he will be a great dad. something has changed for me. i dont know what it is but things are a bit easier to deal with in life. most things anyway. i still think of ending it all but not every hour of every day. sometimes, i can go a whole day without having those feelings.