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Blogs

A divorce and its history

My dad and my stepmom are getting a divorce. Those are the news at my home, or...well It's not my home, and you'll know why In a second. For context, just a few weeks before my stepmom asked my dad for a divorce, she wanted to claim the house as her own, In case anything would happen to my dad (which I understand because my dad shouldn't be working at his age and has had a lot of problems regarding economic safety as well as his own personal health). He' s 75 years old, just so you get the

sk8er

sk8er in Heart thoughts

Fragile is Pretty - a slam poem

Today, I am consumed by thoughts. Thoughts that I can’t run from or escape. Thoughts that sit on my chest and make it nearly impossible for my lungs to fill with air. Thoughts that are like rain inside my head and it’s flooding and I can’t contain it and the floods are causing damage and it’s all out of my control. A natural disaster in my brain. My limbs feel like lead and my eyelids are heavy with worry. This is one of those days that I want to turn the world off and catch my breath.

Poppy_

Poppy_ in Slam Poetry

im tired

im seeing a psychiatrist soon. i relapsed and my tics are getting worse. i feel like a burden to my roommate. im just tired of feeling this way. i have so many things i want to do i dont have time for this. 

lanie

lanie in rant

Painful New Memory

TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD.   EMDR is rough. At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t t

26 years!

Today marks 26 years since my rape.  It's surreal that this much time has gone by while sometimes, it feels as if it were only yesterday. Thank you to those of you who reached out with hugs and words of support and encouragement today - as well as the days leading up to today. I loathe 10/4 with every fiber of my being but knowing you're all thinking of me does help. I just want you all to know that I am doing all right. The last few weeks have been cloudy, and I expect I will remain in a

Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

confession (tw)

i need to confess. i am planning on hurting myself tonight, just to see if it still helps me deal. ive been clean almost six years. but in a few days it will have been a year since ive been assaulted. i have all these feelings and i just need some type of release. i just want to see if it will work. im  not okay. i have therapy tomorrow so we will see how that goes. my new meds are having weird effects too. i need to call my doctor. i am hurting and i just wish i could breathe. i feel like the w

you've been in an empty place for a while now.

using playlist-y titles just because lmao. i'm so lost man. i have no idea what to do anymore. i'm shit out of luck. no more medication options, no more therapy options. in my fruitless search for therapy i've realized just how little society actually gives a single shit about people like me. a family member told me i'm in the leading wave of trans people that led to further research into how to aid trans people in the future, and that's true. every generation of trans people has paved the

mom

mom,  you dont understand and i dont want you to  if you did, id be able to talk to you but if you did, i know that means youll relate and hurt like me  but it hurts even more that you dont understand and i hate that i feel that way.  i just wanted my mom. not some woman i love pushing religion down my throat.  i just wanted a hug. i wanted comfort. not a lesson i already learned.  i didnt need a review.   

lanie

lanie in letter

anger, where are you?

people tell me how horrible you are. without prompt, they count the ways they would hang you, spit in your face. and as they tell me, they look at me for reassurance, but I give them none. i wish i hated you. i wish i too had a long list of excruciating deaths I could serve you. they say you deserve that, you killed a piece of me, an eye for an eye, a life for a life? i’m not so sure. i know i’m supposed to feel the anger in my bones. i sometimes think something is wrong with me. perhap

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Do you know

Do you know that I think of you every day? Not the way you’d hope. My mind contorts reality as you seep into every waking moment,                                              every cell screams to be released from the prison I call my body.   Do you know I don’t sleep?  When my head hits the pillow, I feel you beside me. I feel your heavy navy-blue comforter pressing on my body. Your hands,                                     they strangle like vines.     Do you kno

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

2 lonely readers

it's been a long time since I've written anything here. I've wanted to though, but mostly I haven't had time or been too exhausted to write. Yeah...even writing was exhausting. I gotta be honest, It's not much different from how I'm writing right now because I still feel drained almost everyday. But If I stop writing It'll make It worse. Writing has always been a good way to cope with things, at least to me. I like to think of this place as a space for to readers to exist together. It'

sk8er

sk8er in Heart thoughts

A chance meeting with myself

I've been feeling really nostalgic lately, an old anime I used to watch as a kid got a reboot and it just sends me back in time. I remember when I was playing with my best friend at the time, we had this scenario of our 26yo future self coming to us to help us fight the bad guys. Why we picked 26yo, I don't know, but since i'm getting older and wiser, maybe it's time to make fiction into reality, and write a letter to my 11yo, innocent self. ------ Dear young me, You probably don'

Yeenodon

Yeenodon in On my way

I'm a Construction Worker

I can pinpoint where this all started. I know when I became a construction worker and started on my first project of building a sky-high wall around my heart. I know when I decided that it was easier to just “be okay” than to try to get help or talk to someone. In some ways, I was right. If you asked me how I’ve been doing the last few weeks, I would tell you that I’ve been great. Life has been fun and exciting, and I don’t cry anymore, and I don’t feel like I need anyone. For the first tim

Poppy_

Poppy_ in Life

A letter to my 16-year-old self

You have so many walls up, and for good reason. But I’m begging you to listen to what I have to say and understand that this is coming from a place of love. I know what you’ve been through, and I know what you’re going to go through. My heart breaks for the pain you are endlessly suffering through.  You have done nothing wrong. You have not seduced him. You are not a nymphet with an appetite for older men. You are a child. All you want is an adult who believes in you and unconditionally sup

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

my head is not a good place rn (TW-self harm)

46 days. 46 days and it will have been a year since my assault. i am back on campus and for the most part i dont get anxious leaving my room everyday, only sometimes. ive only had a few panic attacks in the past week. i feel like my roommate thinks im all better because i can talk about boys again with out being triggered. she talks about this guy she likes all the time and interrupts my studying bc she is always facetiming him or wants to tell me what he did or how she really wants to slee

lanie

lanie in rant

“Thriving” to me is mythical

I read a lot of sexual assault materials and news reports in order to be able to help academics as a source of valid information. I have some interesting tags on the sub Reddit that I do moderate. One of them is, “you had one goddamn job do your job and stop complaining.” LOUISIANA PROUD This week I actually saw swift justice to a post where there was a woman who signaled to a constable and also law enforcement officer that there was a rape in progress. The woman reporting was ignored

Two Years as SA Moderator on Reddit

Here is a guide on processing trauma including the experts Here’s What ‘Processing’ Trauma Really Means—And How It Helps You Heal I have dedicated personal time to a Reddit sub that collects case info on perpetrators as well as trauma-informed aftermath resources to assist survivors.  Occasionally someone will post a follow up and more recently people are less fearful to do so which makes me a ‘proud mod momma’ knowing that a large percentage of people are coming out of the haze of sufferin

any advice i guess? im not sure what im looking for

over the weekend i was invited to spend the night with my friend and her 3 guy friends. one of them is gay, another ive known for years and the other is like a stranger. so is the one who is gay but i was nervous around him. i actually had a really good time the whole night and my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. i didnt even think about the fact i was hanging out with three other guys. i am glad i went. i like to think it is progress. but sometimes the most random things still trigger

lanie

lanie in help pls

I have time to be a listening shoulder; AI ain’t got shit on me as a human 💊

And the advent of quick tweets and bots on the radar we dismiss people instantly over a single word or three when that individual may not communicate like everybody else. I posted  that I knew in the back of my mind there were linguistic and machine learning entities in the gray area/black ops and trying to pick up this language so that we could actually determine if these things were global national threats. For starters I am not going to apologize for my absence because I have been f

I am frustrated for you all… post menopause

I have a gorgeous bonus daughter who recently texted me that she signed a reproductive rights petition. I myself am a ✡️ Jewess.  I raised her with her mother’s consent through that terrifying first menstrual cycle. She came  to me quietly that she was bleeding from her female parts.  I did my best to let her know that I always experienced excruciating pain and that we would get the sanitary hygiene items she needed and ibuprofen or anything to alleviate her pain. In addition to this I

Childhood stuff sucks.

Periodically my dad sends me photos from when I was a little kid. It's always hard for me to receive these things since my childhood was traumatic, but it's also kind of nice because it makes me feel loved. A few weeks ago my dad sent me a bunch of photos of a book I "wrote" and illustrated at school in first grade. I think it was in Fall, so I'd just turned 6. It's the type of book where the teacher gave us typed prompts to fill in and illustrate (ex: "there are _____ people in my fam

moop

moop in pain

It feels like a worm squirming in my brain.

I've felt really gross and contaminated since yesterday. I've been going back and forth between complete denial and overwhelming disgust. Thinking about what my grandfather did to me makes me feel physically sick. I was diagnosed with bipolar this week. My brain is twisting this in ugly ways. Like, "Maybe the bipolar gene never would have been activated if the CSA didn't happen. Maybe you shouldn't have let him do those things to you. Maybe you shouldn't have been born at all if this i

moop

moop in pain

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