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I have to write about safety for next week. I'll post my thoughts here.  To have a complete sense of safety is when I feel comfortable to be myself, secure in the knowledge I wont be physically hurt and to the ability to speak my mind without repercussions.  When I was growing up in my childhood home, I didn't have any of this.  I did not feel safe in my own home.  I just sat in my room with my door locked all day, everyday.  I even jumped out my window one day just to try it, in case I eve


asparkofcourage in Vague Utterances

You, too? Or no, just me?

Hi, AS Family! I miss journaling.  I really do.  I’m first of all, thankful that there is some downtime at work where I can do some writing.  Today is such a day and I’ve had a few somethings to ponder, lately. I often read posts that leave me nodding my head in agreement or in silent understanding.  Or, of course, feeling as if I could have written these words, myself.  While it’s kinda daunting at times, it’s also one of the many benefits of group healing. How validating it is, to be


Capulet in Blogs


I'm supposed to write about trust for therapy next week.  I'll write down some ideas here over the next week.    It is very hard to trust anyone. I don't trust anyone to care for me, to protect me or to put myself first.  I trust my parents to be self interested and self preserving.  I trust my brother (abuser) to be self interested and to ignore the validity of my pain.  I've accepted the fact that trust is fickle and the people closest to you will be the ones to let you down.  Blood

The Rot

First Draft-General Theme Second Draft-Solidified Rhyme Scheme   Something is inside me deep.   Touches me throughout my core.  And if you look at where I keep,  You'll see it reaches out more and more. I'm going to dig the rot out   It's a growth that has taken many many years to taint my soul. I hide it as though I'm forsaken pretending that I'm whole.  I'm going to dig the rot out   But now I want to reveal who I

Dear Me

Dear younger me,  I'd like to make peace with you and you to me as well.  I didn't turn out like you thought I would.  It makes me feel disappointed in myself.  You thought that if you got yourself through that dark time that eventually, I would have a high paying job, take care of myself, move away and let the past go like it never happened.  A clean break, but that's not what has happened.  I'm  a stay at home wife depending on my husband to keep us up.  The opposite of independence

Integral Moments

I find myself going back in time in my mind and only pulling out the negative things that have happened in my life.  But I know that that's not the case.  Though happy moments may have been few a far between, that is what makes them so special and I don't want to forget those integral moments that kept me going through the dark parts of my life.  So here is a place that I will list those moments. (I will update as I remember more)  1) When my parents and brothers were working or doing after

Summertime Sadness

Well, first off, I don't remember much.  Just a few very vivid images, a lot of crying and watching myself from the corner of the room. My abuser was my oldest brother.  I was 9 and he was 14 or 15 at the time.   The most of one incident I remember is when my 2 other brothers were playing videogames and were completely engrossed in it.  My 3rd brother (the oldest) put a blanket on top of me on his bed and told everyone in the room he was just going to massage me.  I was just still, unmoving

Generational Trauma

I've been doing some reading.  "It Didn't Start with You." -by Mark Wolynn and to be honest, I can't believe some of the things that my family have survived through.  How we are all still together and existing in the normal everyday world is baffling.  This book helped me to discern what is my trauma, what trauma is being repeated within the family and how to break the cycle.  It's going to be a rough ride so please bear with me.   Maternal My mothers family grew up in poverty with ver

Another thing I loved, Ruined.

Hello.  I've been reading and thinking and contemplating about my life.  About all the things that have happened to me.  I'm currently a stay at home dog mom with little to no friends and all the time in the world.  Now that I've been spending so much time with myself, I've realized... I don't even know me all that well.  I think I got so caught up with my husband's dr. career that I've lost a sense of what I wanted to do with my own life.  And then searching through my own thoughts about what I

People-Pleasing and Boundaries

Hey, AS family! How're you all doing? I'd like to first preface this journal entry by making clear that I am in NO WAY blaming any of you for the traumatic experiences you've endured at the hands of others.  THEY are the ones responsible - not you.  THEY chose to harm you - therefore, THEY are one hundred percent at fault.  This journal entry is one of my rare emotion-dumps that may or may not make sense, given the hour.  It will make sense later, though, I promise.  We have a snow day


Capulet in Blogs

My Beautiful Boy

I see him everywhere. I see him in the bus driver, in the customers at work, even in the staff. I can’t stop seeing people that could be him. It’d been almost 5 years since I’d seen him and I didn’t know what he looked like anymore. I put it off for a while but I kept thinking about it and I had to know if any of the people I’d seen were him or not. So I looked him up on Facebook. There were only two pictures and on the most recent one his mum commented “my beautiful boy xx”. If only she kn

I saw my T in my village

Very weirdly, I’ve just seen my T in the park- we live in the same village. As I had handed over my little self to her I’m the session this week I was thinking about her more than usual this weekend (I don’t tend to between sessions much). I was secretly hoping to bump into her, was even looking at people thinking is that her. And then there she was! She smiled and I smiled back I was on my bike with my daughter. Wonder if it’s a sign? A reminder that little me is being taken care of.   


Did I ever tell you It was okay to be as loud as you wanted? be as much as you wanted? Imagine being alone In an empty room with some eco In it...knowing you, you'd probably start singing a little tune to hear how It sounds. Eco's are an interesting sound, right? so why wouldn't you try It out, and If you're alone you could do It as much as you wanted to, as much as you needed to. No one would tell you to stop or say that you were being too loud, too much. There's nothing inherently wrong w


sk8er in Heart thoughts


I haven't been posting much on here because my mood disorder has been difficult to deal with. Lots of rapid ups and downs. Addressing my trauma in therapy has been very difficult because when I get triggered badly it usually makes my mood shift into hypomania (which feels fun and euphoric for about a day or two, then turns into agitation, restlessness, and severe sensory issues). I'm trying meds again and it's been tough. I found one that helps me sleep. But TBH I'm not getting frequent eno


moop in pain

A divorce and its history

My dad and my stepmom are getting a divorce. Those are the news at my home, or...well It's not my home, and you'll know why In a second. For context, just a few weeks before my stepmom asked my dad for a divorce, she wanted to claim the house as her own, In case anything would happen to my dad (which I understand because my dad shouldn't be working at his age and has had a lot of problems regarding economic safety as well as his own personal health). He' s 75 years old, just so you get the


sk8er in Heart thoughts

Fragile is Pretty - a slam poem

Today, I am consumed by thoughts. Thoughts that I can’t run from or escape. Thoughts that sit on my chest and make it nearly impossible for my lungs to fill with air. Thoughts that are like rain inside my head and it’s flooding and I can’t contain it and the floods are causing damage and it’s all out of my control. A natural disaster in my brain. My limbs feel like lead and my eyelids are heavy with worry. This is one of those days that I want to turn the world off and catch my breath.


Poppy_ in Slam Poetry

im tired

im seeing a psychiatrist soon. i relapsed and my tics are getting worse. i feel like a burden to my roommate. im just tired of feeling this way. i have so many things i want to do i dont have time for this. 


lanie in rant

Painful New Memory

TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD.   EMDR is rough. At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t t


Poppy_ in Journal Excerpts

26 years!

Today marks 26 years since my rape.  It's surreal that this much time has gone by while sometimes, it feels as if it were only yesterday. Thank you to those of you who reached out with hugs and words of support and encouragement today - as well as the days leading up to today. I loathe 10/4 with every fiber of my being but knowing you're all thinking of me does help. I just want you all to know that I am doing all right. The last few weeks have been cloudy, and I expect I will remain in a


Capulet in Blogs

confession (tw)

i need to confess. i am planning on hurting myself tonight, just to see if it still helps me deal. ive been clean almost six years. but in a few days it will have been a year since ive been assaulted. i have all these feelings and i just need some type of release. i just want to see if it will work. im  not okay. i have therapy tomorrow so we will see how that goes. my new meds are having weird effects too. i need to call my doctor. i am hurting and i just wish i could breathe. i feel like the w


lanie in I am ruining myself

you've been in an empty place for a while now.

using playlist-y titles just because lmao. i'm so lost man. i have no idea what to do anymore. i'm shit out of luck. no more medication options, no more therapy options. in my fruitless search for therapy i've realized just how little society actually gives a single shit about people like me. a family member told me i'm in the leading wave of trans people that led to further research into how to aid trans people in the future, and that's true. every generation of trans people has paved the


markeslilja in thoughts.


mom,  you dont understand and i dont want you to  if you did, id be able to talk to you but if you did, i know that means youll relate and hurt like me  but it hurts even more that you dont understand and i hate that i feel that way.  i just wanted my mom. not some woman i love pushing religion down my throat.  i just wanted a hug. i wanted comfort. not a lesson i already learned.  i didnt need a review.   


lanie in letter

anger, where are you?

people tell me how horrible you are. without prompt, they count the ways they would hang you, spit in your face. and as they tell me, they look at me for reassurance, but I give them none. i wish i hated you. i wish i too had a long list of excruciating deaths I could serve you. they say you deserve that, you killed a piece of me, an eye for an eye, a life for a life? i’m not so sure. i know i’m supposed to feel the anger in my bones. i sometimes think something is wrong with me. perhap


Haze_D in Healing

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