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Entries in this blog

7 Months.....

People keep saying that with time the grief gets easier. That the triggers are less.  I am not finding that to be so true. It has been 7 months since she passed and almost 8 months since I heard her voice. Every day is still a struggle. A struggle to not think about her. A struggle to not miss her. Every day I try to project to the rest of the world that everything is ok. That I am healing. that I am learning to accept her not being here. the fact is that every day I am trying not to show the wo

aperson

aperson in Life

..........

This grieving thing is way harder than I imagined it would be. It is harder than other people portrayed it to be. I have had other deaths before, grandmothers, aunts, cousins but I have never experienced grief in this manner. I have never felt the grief that comes with the loss of a parent. When I thought it would happen was another 15-20 years from now. Time enough that I could say that she enjoyed her life and got to have a long life. Instead, she was gone before she could even get to old age.

aperson

aperson in Life

It feels like it will always hurt

I keep trying to deal with her death and it is a struggle. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago to yry and prevent some severe depression. I have had 2 sessions and I cant say it is helping or not. The time until her services was horrible including the day she passed. The time sense is a fog. I spend much of my day trying to ignore that she isnt here any more. The rest is spent thinking of her. My home phone we never use so I havent checked the voicemail in years. I was going through it

aperson

aperson in Life

What I Accomplished Today

Because a really great friend sent me something to lift my spirits today and it helped, I think I should list the positives for the day (no matter how small) I laughed today - I genuinely laughed and smiled. I dont even remember what for (probably a silly TikTok) but I did it and that is what matters. No tears today -  It hurts and I miss her still but I didnt cry and that is ok. It doesnt mean I dont miss her any more or less than the day before or that I have forgotten her. I wa

aperson

aperson in Life

Erasing her from the world

Her husband seems to want to erase her from his life quickly. I just dont understand it. I know everyone grieves in their own way but he seems to want to erase every trace of her after her services. I am trying to hold on to every memory I can. Most of the time I am trying to keep her alive. Her things, I want them. Her pictures, I want them. Her things, I want them as she left them. At least let me accept that she is gone first.  So Sunday I am going to pack up her things. I am going to pa

aperson

aperson in Life

Struggling

I hate to admit it but i am struggling. The days between my mom's death and burial of her ashes were manageable.  There was something to do each day. Now that is done, I find it harder to cope. I feel like I failed her on the last thing she asked of me. Daily I think of reasons to call her and each time is followed by she cant answer. I wanted to call her to share that her first great grandchild was born but I couldnt. He was born the night of her viewing. 12 hours before we were to put her ashe

aperson

aperson in Life

Grieving and Family....

I have 4 days until my mother's services and every day is like a rollercoaster. It doesnt take but a small thing to send me ready to cry like a big baby. I know that grief is a process but I dont know that I fully expected this. The closer it gets the more irritated and annoyed I get by just about everyone and every thing. Sad part is i feel like I am in a battle between supporting her husband and her siblings on what they want/expect. They are not that fond of him because he doesnt really toler

aperson

aperson in Life

This is all so unreal

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEATH/GRIEF     My mother is gone and it is so hard to believe that right now. She went peacefully with her kids and husband by her side. We held on to the hope that additional treatment would give her time to heal her body but when we saw her in person, we realized that the only thing that was keeping her here were the machines that were breathing for her. I have so many conflicting emotions about that and a lot of guilt about how I handled the situation from

aperson

aperson in Life

She isnt gone but this feels like grief

My mama is still in the hospital in serious condition on the ventilator. Some days are good and others seem like just one more thing going wrong. The pneumonia is still present but slowly declining. Then there are the other things like fluctuating blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugar. Then there is the monitoring of her kidneys which are also declining. She has been on a ventilator  for 8 days now. These are the most nerve wracking 8 days ever.  I havent heard her voice in 11 days. We

aperson

aperson in Life

The past 2 weeks...whew...never want to do that again

I have been trying to make a post for almost a week about where I am mentally and emotionally at this point and I just haven't been successful. So maybe I start from the last entry and see where this goes..... I have been taking on the care for my mom since Feb. She wasnt incapable of caring for herself but she definitely needed assistance. The last stroke affected her mentally and physically more than before. She needed assistance to walk and comb her hair. She wasnt capable of fixing a fu

aperson

aperson in Life

Caregiving isnt just physical health...

I thought being a caregiver for my mom after 2 strokes, a seizure and watching her diabetes would be simple. I take care of her needs and get her to her appointments and make sure she takes her meds and gets her home health physical and occupational therapy done. I watch for signs of her diabetes acting up and signs of another stroke. It's hard but simple, right? What I didn't expect is theneedto handle her mental health. I mean, I barely know how to manage my own mental health, how do I ma

aperson

aperson in Life

Just scared

My mother has had another stroke/TIA. They are not sure why. She now has a pronounced limp with her left leg. And at this point I will probably need to move in with her so she has care while her husband is working. At this point I am just scared. If they dont know the cause, how many more episodes will she have before a major stroke? Just terrified and no one else can know. 

aperson

aperson in Life

Just need to let it out some way

So this is one of those times that I really wish I was completely different type of person. Instead of sheltering everything inside, I wish I let everything out. Well at least most things. Right now I feel anxiety swelling up but there is no one to reach out to. I shelter so much of myself that I have shut the world out and people I have known for years. Now there is no one to reach out to and say I need a safer space. No one to reach out to and say I am not ok. No one to reach out to and s

aperson

aperson in Life

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