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About Poppy_

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    You don't have to be perfect to be loved.

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  1. Today, I am consumed by thoughts. Thoughts that I can’t run from or escape. Thoughts that sit on my chest and make it nearly impossible for my lungs to fill with air. Thoughts that are like rain inside my head and it’s flooding and I can’t contain it and the floods are causing damage and it’s all out of my control. A natural disaster in my brain. My limbs feel like lead and my eyelids are heavy with worry. This is one of those days that I want to turn the world off and catch my breath. This is one of those days that I feel that life is moving too fast and I can’t catch up and it’s ju
  2. @Finchy - Thank you for your kind words. I have my next T appointment today so we will have round two of EMDR and I am nervous. I am going to take my journal in case she wants to read this entry because I wasn't able to articulate the words and say out loud what I had remembered. It's just so hard remembering this kind of stuff. Knowing that someone took advantage of me when I was so young. My niece is almost six and I cannot even fathom someone doing to her what was done to me. It almost makes it hit closer to home, you know? Anyway, I'm rambling, it's just nice to know someone is listening.
  3. TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD. EMDR is rough. At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t think he w— As I was writing that sentence, I remembered the part I wasn’t clear on. I knew he t
  4. I can pinpoint where this all started. I know when I became a construction worker and started on my first project of building a sky-high wall around my heart. I know when I decided that it was easier to just “be okay” than to try to get help or talk to someone. In some ways, I was right. If you asked me how I’ve been doing the last few weeks, I would tell you that I’ve been great. Life has been fun and exciting, and I don’t cry anymore, and I don’t feel like I need anyone. For the first time in my life, I am okay by myself. I’m not lonely. I don’t even really WANT to talk to anyone.
  5. Feels so good to be home from the hospital ♥️ Missed you all! 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. MeBeMary


      Hope you are feeling better. :flowers:

    3. Finchy


      Welcome home, Poppy! I hope you're doing better. Sending you safe hugs and well wishes. ❤️ 

    4. Doll6


      Glad you are home again. Welcome back 

  6. I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow. 

    1. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      I'm sorry your suffering, sitting with you if ok?

    2. Finchy


      Sorry to contradict your feelings, Poppy, but I DO hope you wake up tomorrow. I hope that you wake up, and tomorrow is a good day, and that days get better for you...you deserve better days. You deserve love and kindness and support. Sending you tons of support and strength. :comfort:

    3. Field8


      I do hope you do my friend. I know things are shitty but they can only get better. Please take safe care of yourself.

  7. Poppy_


    Hey. It’s been a while. I think something is wrong. I don’t know what, exactly. I just feel so off. I feel disconnected from everything. I feel disconnected from my friends, from my family, from my therapist, from my feelings. I’ve been telling my therapist for weeks that I just feel so numb and empty and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve never had a hard time connecting with how I’m feeling. I’ve had issues identifying specific emotions, but I always knew I was feeling SOMETHING. I knew if it was positive or negative. But, now? I feel nothing. I get bad news – nothi
  8. Over Christmas, my mother told me that she thinks I have diabetes. Mind you, I'm overweight, but I don't think it's severe and I'm not obese. But I'm still the biggest person in my family. And my mom tells me all the time how much I need to lose weight. Makes me wonder if she would love me more if I were thinner. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Finchy


      Oh gosh. That's awful. I'm sorry your mom has said such things to you, Poppy. That is really unkind of her. I can only hope that she loves you no matter your size, and wouldn't only love you if you were thinner. I'm sorry again.

    3. sweetfeather5


      That's horrible! And thin people can get diabetes too, so she's a bit dim. Sorry she said that to you.

    4. WannaMoveOn


      Weight and diabetes are not always related. She should not make such remarks like that. I have been getting rude comments from family members for my weight too over the years, starting when I was a child. I think neither you or me should be put through this. And at Christmas, the time of the year we should rejoice and have a good feast... 

      If your mother would love you more is you lost weight, SHE has a serious problem not you! This is not okay. Also, thinner does not always mean healthier. Sitting if ok?

  9. Can someone PM me to talk? I need some advice and I don't have anyone I can talk to. 

    1. Sunshine02


      Hey! I hope everything gets better. I am here for you :) 

    2. Free2Fly


      Hope you managed to find some helpful advice and that your doing well .

  10. Thank you so so much. You have no idea what this comment means to me
  11. I wrote a letter to my mother and I want to share it here. I don't think I'll ever send this to her, but my T suggested that I write it to express how I'm feeling about everything that's been going on lately. So, I decided to post it. Maybe it will encourage someone to write their own. To My Mother, I’m writing to you because I just really don’t understand some things. I have questions and I need answers. I don’t know if you will be able to provide me with any answers because honestly, I don’t know if even you have any. Some things just don’t make sense
  12. Poppy_

    No Title

    This has got to be the hundredth time I’ve started this blog. I just don’t know what to say. I want to write, but I don’t know what to say. It feels like nothing is happening while at the same time, everything is happening. I’m in distress. I’m crying a lot – and I mean a LOT. I’m angry. I’m hurt. But I don’t know how to put any of this on paper and get it out of my head. Everything is wrong. Everything feels so insignificant. I can’t even write because it doesn’t feel safe. Therapy doesn’t feel safe. Nothing feels right. I feel like I’m living in absolute chaos and no one can help m
  13. Hi, @RedSunflower - Welcome to After Silence!! I’m glad you were able to find this forum and I hope that it brings you the comfort and peace you are seeking. I know an anonymous outlet can be hard to come by, but it can also be very helpful. If you need anything at all, feel free to shoot me a message! Wishing you the best of luck here. Best, Poppy
  14. Hi. @blackwidows - Welcome to After Silence! I hope you're finding your way around the site okay. If you need anything, feel free to holler at me! Best, Poppy
  15. I ruin everything. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Doll6


      Hope you’re ok @Poppy_

    3. 8888


      I thought that was my job, lol!  In all seriousness I hope you are okay.  Sitting with you!

    4. marcyabadeer


      I hope you are okay 😔 


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