Poppy_

Happy July, everyone! I know I say that like it’s the first of July and it’s actually the twelfth, but the month of July has been a blur and I haven’t quite gotten caught up yet. I was diagnosed with COVID-19 on July 1st and since then, I have done nothing but lay in bed, binge watch Grey’s Anatomy, eat trashy food, and sleep. I know it sounds like a luxurious vacation, but it’s only fun when your body doesn’t feel like your muscles were replaced with lead and you can actually taste the trashy food you’re eating. I know I’m kind of making light of this, but in all seriousness, this virus is no joke. I’m on day twelve of being in bed and I’m just NOW starting to feel the slightest bit human again. I’m still coughing, I’m still tired, and I can’t smell or taste anything. These are mild symptoms – it was a lot worse. I had a fever for about five days, I had hallucinations, my body was in severe pain, I stopped being able to eat without getting sick, and the fatigue is so intense. Anyway, I didn’t start this blog to talk about my illness. I just felt like because I made light of it, I should also let you know that it is VERY serious and not to be taken lightly. I got lucky and didn’t end up in the hospital, but it can be a lot worse than it has been for me. I hope you’re all doing what you can to protect yourself! I wouldn’t wish this sickness on anyone. Moving on… I do have SO MANY THINGS I need to blog about. Some of you may have seen my post and if you did, yes, I am going to go into further detail of all of those things, I promise. But, that won’t be today. It would appear that something ELSE has come up. Yes, more crap on top of everything else I’m dealing with. I’ve been thinking about it for days – since it happened. Every time I think about it, I get this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and my blood starts to run cold because of the self-hatred laced in my veins. That being said, I promise this blog isn’t going to be a pity-party. I just… I can’t let myself dwell on this anymore. It’s eating me up and if I don’t process it and get it out, I know that this is something that will pull me back down into darkness and I can’t have that right now. I don’t want that. Even with everything I have going on right now, I’ve stayed above the water. I’ve been okay. I can’t let THIS be the reason I fall. I cannot let this person have that much control over me. Now… I’m not sure if I want to get into the whole story of what sparked the conversation that has plagued me with self-hatred. It was stupid, honestly. Truthfully, that part isn’t what I’m upset about. I’m upset about the things that were said to me because of a situation that I didn’t think warranted an argument. I didn’t even know anything was wrong. I didn’t realize that I was wrong. Alright, I’m just going to be really transparent here. I’m just going to lay it all out there. This blog has shared a lot of personal things about me… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to share this too. I have a friend – well, I guess I have an EX-friend – that is very opinionated and strong-willed. That’s not a bad thing – not at all! It just so happens that I am the complete opposite. Anyone that knows me in my personal life knows that I am religious. I’ve tried to keep that out of my blogs because I don’t like it when people judge or decide they don’t like me because they don’t have the same views as me. I am not pushy with religion nor do I dislike people that don’t have the same beliefs as me. It’s not something I use to define my relationships. Religion is a personal choice. This ex-friend of mine was not religious, but I didn’t care. It didn’t bother me. We just kept religion out of conversations and everything was fine. Well, I say everything was fine. We fought a lot, but never about religion. Anyway, like I said, she was always really vocal about her stances on things. Even if I didn’t agree, I never said anything. It wasn’t worth fighting about. I am a huge fan of Chick-fil-A. It’s hands-down one of my favorite places to eat! I had been snapchatting with this ex-friend one day and she referred to Chick-fil-A as “homophobic Jesus chicken.” I really didn’t care for that. Not because it was Chick-fil-A necessarily, but because the way she was talking about it was like referring to God in a derogatory sense. I don’t push religion on people, so I really don’t like it when people that KNOW I’m religious, trash God or refer to Him negatively around me. But, even though I didn’t like it, I didn’t say anything. I just bit my tongue and moved on. About a week ago, we were having a conversation about salad. That’s right – SALAD. I made a comment about Chick-fil-A having the best salads. She responded with a picture of her salad and where she got it from and said it was “non-homophobic.” Now, let me also say that I am NOT a homophobe. Not even a little bit. I’m not “out” or anything, but I’ve always liked women more than men. I don’t broadcast it, but I am not homophobic at all. Even still, I didn’t like the comment. So, I responded by saying “you don’t have to call it non-homophobic J” and she said that Chick-fil-A had recently donated a lot of money to anti-LGBTQ communities. So, for the first time, I kind of stood up for myself and voiced my own opinion. I said that there were restaurants that supported things that I didn’t agree with, but I still ate there and I didn’t bash them or slander them because of that. And she said, “it’s not slander if it’s true.” After that, I simply didn’t respond. It didn’t feel like an argument to me, I just didn’t know what to say and I didn’t WANT to fight. It didn’t seem worth it. All of this happened while I was still battling COVID. A couple of hours after that conversation, I spiked a high fever and I started having weird hallucinations. I was in a lot of pain, I was crying, and I really didn’t feel well. She sent me another snap and I didn’t respond because of how I was feeling. She knew I was sick. I didn’t think anything of it. The next day, I got up and saw that she deleted me off of her Snapchat. I was confused so I sent her a text and I asked why she deleted me. She said she thought it was best if we weren’t friends anymore. I asked if I did something wrong… and this is where it got bad. I have this fear… a fear that when people get to know me or I ask for help too many times, that I exhaust them. I am afraid that people get tired of me. Even when they say they want to be there or even when I’m there for them as often as I can be or as often as they allow me to be, I still fear that I am “too much.” I don’t mean to be that way. It’s embarrassing and I hate that part of me. I mean, it’s one of the things that makes me wish I didn’t exist. I HATE that aspect of myself. So, after she told me that she didn’t want to be friends anymore, I said, “did I do something wrong?” to which she responded, “I get exhausted. And that question is exactly why,” and immediately, I was hurt. My face flushed, my body was hot, and I started to panic. I didn’t realize I was doing that and she was feeling that way about me. I wish she would’ve just stepped back when I was being “too much.” She had done it before. I just thought that relationship was safe and she understood me and I was wrong. I proceeded to tell her that I was sorry for doing that and that I didn’t realize it had gotten to that point. I also told her that I was very confused – I didn’t know WHAT happened to make all of this come out. I had been totally mundane that week because I was sick. Even while I had COVID, I stayed on the phone with her for nearly TWO HOURS one night because she wanted the company. I told her several times that I was tired and didn’t feel well, but she didn’t seem to want to say goodbye. So, I stayed on the phone. But for some reason, I was exhausting HER. I just didn’t understand. She proceeded to tell me that I was making her feel disrespected and I didn’t understand why she was feeling that way, and then “hijacking it” so that she feels sorry for me. She said she was walking on eggshells and worried that what she said would lead to me self-harming. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I wasn’t MAD about it… but I was so unbelievably hurt. Someone I trusted and confided in and considered to be one of my closest friends, was confirming all of my worst fears. She was confirming all of the worst things I felt about myself. If she was feeling disrespected, why not just talk to me? Nothing I did or said was intended to be offensive. Anyone that knows me, knows that I don’t have a mean bone in my body. It’s just not how I am – never have been that way. I would never intentionally disrespect or hurt someone I cared for that way. She also said she was mad that I didn’t understand why she was feeling disrespected. How can you hold that against someone? How can you be upset with someone for NOT KNOWING they had done something wrong? If I knew what I had done, I could’ve fixed it. It could’ve been a simple misunderstanding. Honestly, I’m assuming it WAS a misunderstanding considering that I didn’t even know she was upset. I never knew anything was wrong. The next part was probably one of the most hurtful things she said. None of this felt like it was coming from this one isolated incident… these were obviously things that had been building up and she had been thinking for a while. She said that I was “hijacking it” so she would feel sorry for me. Is that really what she thinks of me? That I manipulate people into feeling bad for me? I don’t even really know what else to say about this part aside from the fact that I’m very hurt. I didn’t realize that she thought such a horrible thing about me. I thought we were friends. Not just friends, I thought we were CLOSE friends. I didn’t realize she secretly hated me. That last bit about fearing that confrontation would make me self-harm… I don’t understand that. Not only am I six days away from being an entire month clean, I haven’t spoken to her about self-harm in a very, very long time. I mean, I haven’t talked to her about it in MONTHS. And the last time I self-harmed? I was days away from being a month clean. She made it out to sound like every time she upsets me, I cut myself and tell her it was her fault. That’s just not true. I’ve been doing SO good with my self-harm and it’s frankly none of her business. Had I been talking to her about it, it would be her business, but I hadn’t said anything to her about it in such a long time. And I have NEVER cut because of her. Ever. It’s never been because she upset me. So really, I don’t know where that even came from. She was using my personal information against me and she was using it all wrong. SHE was wrong. After that, she proceeded to say that she wasn’t trying to be mean, but she was just being “straightforward” with me. No. That’s crap. I have another friend that is VERY straightforward with me. She always tells it to me like it is. She doesn’t tell me what I want to hear. Sometimes we argue, yes, but I know where she’s coming from and she’s never hurtful to me. What this ex-friend did, was just mean. It was SO hurtful. There are so many other ways she could’ve gone about this. It wasn’t a heated argument – I was prepared to act like adults and just have a conversation – but she had already made up her mind that I was a horrible human being and she wanted nothing more to do with me. I asked if all of this was because I didn’t respond the night before. I explained what happened and why I didn’t respond. She said it was about the homophobia. I told her that I just didn’t know how to respond to her and, again, told her I was ill. It actually wasn’t until just now when I was reading through those messages that I think I realized what she meant. I think she thought because of what I said about Chick-fil-A, because I stood up for them, that I am homophobic. Although, if she thinks that of me, she doesn’t know me at all. My best friend is in a same sex relationship. I have plenty of friends that don’t identify as straight. I’m not even sure I’M straight, and she knows that. So, I don’t see how she could think I was homophobic. If that IS what she thought, I don’t know why she didn’t just talk to me about it. I could’ve explained what I meant or how I felt. I guess she just didn’t care about our friendship the way I did. I don’t know. That was basically the end of the conversation. It didn’t matter what else I said, she was done. I wasn’t in the mood to argue, so I dropped it. I guess I’m just… hurt. It’s taken me a while to be able to even write this blog. I had to set it down because reliving that conversation broke me. Not because she was mean, but because I could just hear the things she said about me running through my head and I felt like they were true. That I was this awful person and EVERYONE secretly hated me and felt these things about me. I try so hard to be a light and a confidant and to be supportive of others. I don’t want people to think I’m this low-life, manipulative, attention-seeker that claims self-harm when I don’t get my way. That’s not who I am. That’s not who I try to be. I just can’t stand the thought that there are people out there that feel this way about me. I am upset that I lost a good friend, but I’m more upset about what was said. I can’t get it out of my head. My hope is that by writing about it, I can start to move on. To be honest, I put it aside until I was ready to deal with it. I was so sick – I didn’t have the energy to think about it or process it – but now, I’m starting to feel better, and I HAD to process it. It just kept coming up in the back of my mind and I don’t want to be hurt over this anymore. Because I have COVID, I had to cancel three weeks of therapy. That’s right – THREE sessions. I don’t get to see my T again until the 23rd of July. I want to talk about this with her, but I have to wait. Until then, this is how I’m processing. I just needed to write it out. I wouldn’t say that I ‘feel better’, but I do feel like I finally had the chance to say my piece and now I can start to move on. I just hope that this is something I can come to terms with and maybe I can work through the thoughts in therapy and learn that I’m worth more than this. Maybe I can learn that it’s possible that I’m still worth loving and I’m not this terrible person that she made me out to be. Maybe. Anyway, thank you for giving me a safe space to talk about this and release what I’ve been holding on to. I’m hoping that soon I will feel safe enough to really come back to AS, now just isn’t the time. But, hopefully soon. I miss this community a lot. Thanks for reading and being a part of my life! I’ll see you all soon. XO, Poppy

Hi, @BloomingRose - Welcome BACK to After Silence! I know how hard it is to join this site and feel like you don't belong like everyone else seems to. I'm terribly sorry that you DO being here, but I'm glad you found a healing community to connect to. I hope you'll stay this time and let us help you on your healing journey. No one deserves to go through these things alone. I hope you're getting settled back in! Keep looking around and I know you'll get back to posting when you feel ready. I'm glad you came back All the best, Poppy

Hi, @Dreamer24 - Welcome to After Silence! There are a lot of people here that were recommended this site by their therapist, and I'm one of them too! You are certainly not alone I was also not wanting to join an in-person support group so we have that in common as well. I hope that you're liking it here so far! I know it can be intimidating and confusing and a lot to take it - don't let it overwhelmed you! Just take things at your own pace and explore as much as you need to! If you need help, NST (Newbie Support Team) is a wonderful group of people that can help answer any questions you might have. There are also board tutorials that might help! Again, welcome to the site feel free to share whatever you want to whenever you feel ready to share it. There's no pressure to share anything you aren't ready to share here! But we are waiting with open arms when you want to take that step Wishing you all the best, Poppy

Hi, @Backto3 - Welcome to After Silence! I am so proud of you for getting up the nerve to posting! I know how intimidating that first step is. My T was also the one that recommended me to this site and, like you, I was never going to join. After I got tired of her bringing it up, I finally joined. I was never going to post or get involved. But then someone posted something I related to and I finally felt like I should post... so I did. Since then, this site has been such a lifesaver for me! It's a truly wonderful and supportive community and I hope that you will feel at home here You are not alone in your healing journey! There is always support waiting here for you I hope that as you look around and get familiar with the site, you will feel more comfortable posting. But, no rush take your time and post when you're ready! We aren't going anywhere! Warmest welcome, Poppy

Hi, @emma12 - Welcome to After Silence! I am so sorry to hear of what's happened to you I know what it's like to go through something like this not have anyone to talk to that understands what you're going through. It can be very isolating and make you feel so alone. I am glad you found this community to reach out to so you know that you are not alone and you are supported. I am sure it can be very scary having to face your attacker - especially when you have a connection like this one. You shouldn't have to be the one to leave the group of friends because of HIS actions. I think if you feel comfortable talking to your mother, it might help. I also think if therapy is an option, it could help as well. They can teach you how to process and cope with all of the negative things you are feeling. You don't deserve to feel unsafe and you shouldn't have to isolate yourself. I hope that soon you are able to work through this and get to a better place where you can deal with it. We are here to support you! If you need anything at all, please feel free to reach out to me any time! I'm around as much as I can be Wishing you all the best, Poppy

Hi, @I believe in ME - Welcome to After Silence! Like you, my T also recommended me to this site! I was very apprehensive to join at first, but I am really glad I did. It has been such a wonderful thing in my life and I hope it's the same for you too I'm so sorry that your family members were unsupportive. I hope that you are able to find the support you need and deserve through this community. I know it's hard to communicate how it feels to deal with sexual trauma, but I do want you to know that you are NOT alone. We hear you and we understand the pain. If you need anything, please don't ever hesitate to reach out to me. I'm just a quick message away any time! Wishing you all the best, Poppy

Hi, @girl-from-nowhere - Welcome to After Silence! I'm glad you took the step to make your first post - I know it can be nerve-wracking! I hope that we can continue to make you feel comfortable enough to share and maybe get that connection you're longing for! Of course, there's no pressure to post if you aren't ready take all the time you need! You'll know when the time is right. Congratulations on the new apartment! I hope you love it! I am a very big supporter of therapy and mental health, so I will always be a cheerleader for you to continue that! I think it's so important to have that in your life. I also had/sill have a hard time calling what happened to me a trauma. I always felt like that word was too severe for what I experienced. I also felt like the R word was too severe. So, you're not alone there! I completely understand how you feel. The bottom line is, no two trauma's are the same and we don't compare them. There is no trauma that is 'worse' or 'greater' than another. All trauma is important. Trauma is trauma... no matter the 'severity'. And your trauma matters. If you need anything, feel free to reach out to me any time! I'm around I hope you are feeling welcome here! All the best, Poppy

Hi, @Euna12 - Welcome to After Silence! I am sorry you are struggling so much right now with everything you have been through. I know how hard it is to feel like you have no one you can lean on. More specifically, I know how it feels to lean on one person and see how your emotional needs are wearing them down. I'm in the same position. But I hope that by being here, you can gain more support or another outlet for your pain and we can help you feel better! Also, great job on taking care of your physical needs! It truly is just as important as your emotional needs. I know things seem to be going downhill right now, but I want you to know that you are not alone. One of the cool things about this site is that there are people here from all different time zones! So even if you're posting in the middle of the night, there will usually still be people online and someone to keep you company when you feel afraid. I hope this site helps you! If you need anything at all, I'm just a quick message away message me any time you'd like! All the best, Poppy

Hi, @Anxx - Welcome to After Silence! I am happy that you've chosen to join such a wonderful community to help you on your healing journey! I am sorry that you have reason to be here, but I hope that we are able to help you heal from the abuse you endured as a child. I don't want you to feel like you "should" be at any specific point in your healing journey right now. There is no timeline to healing and it takes as long as it takes. Don't feel rushed to get past something that you need to deal with. Take your time posting as you feel ready! We are here to support you when you need it If you need anything, please feel free to reach out to me any time! I'm around! Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

Hi, @Sabbymo - Welcome to After Silence! I'm terribly sorry to hear of the abuse you endured and that your mother didn't protect you when you were a child. I'm also sorry to hear that you were bullied in school and that your sister was not someone you could confide in. I have also had people that have learned about what happened to me and were completely dismissive and unsupportive - I know how much that hurts. I hope that you are feeling welcome here and that we are able to support you the way you deserve! If you need anything, feel free to message me any time I'll be here whenever! Best, Poppy

Hi, @Christina88 - Welcome to After Silence! I'm so sorry to hear of what happened to you and that you recently saw your abuser again. I haven't seen my attacker since the night he hurt me and I can't imagine how I would feel if I saw him again. It doesn't matter how long it's been since an assault - healing has no timeline. No one expects you to just 'get over' what happened to you. And you're right - people that have never been sexually assaulted DO NOT understand what it's like when someone does something like that to you. But everyone here DOES understand the kind of mark that leaves on you and the feelings that come with it. I am not married and I have not been in a relationship since my attack so, unfortunately, I don't have much advice on how to tell your husband. My best advice would be to just be honest. Hopefully your husband is someone you can trust and he will want to be gentle with you. So, being honest and telling him what's going on might make all the difference. He might be more understanding of why you are nervous about things and he can calm your fears and ease your anxiety and make you feel safe. That's my hope, anyway. I don't know anything about your husband or your relationship so I can't say for sure that this will happen, but I HOPE it works out that way. Keep looking around the site and post when you feel ready. If you need more advice on how to tell your husband, you can always post on a board specifically for that purpose and more people can respond. If you need anything in the meantime, feel free to give me a shout any time! I'm around Warmest welcome, Poppy

Hi, @Elizabethmaryc - Welcome to After Silence! I am deeply sorry to hear about the trauma you went through a few years ago and I am sorry this seems to be haunting you now as well. And I know how difficult it is to be dealing with a trauma already and then have another one added to the mix. You are certainly not alone in this. I hope that by being here, you are able to gain loads of support and find healing with what has happened to you. This community has been so wonderful to me and I hope it does the same for you. I know joining can be intimidating and posting can be scary as well, just know that this is a judgment free zone and you are safe here Writing can be very healing! If you need anything, feel free to message me any time! I'm around All the best, Poppy

Hi, @Sorayaa - Welcome to After Silence! I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I do want you to know that you are not alone in feeling what you're feeling. I can't say my situation is exactly like yours, but there are some things that I can relate to. First of all, blaming yourself or not remembering the entire event does not change what happened to you. You are having a traumatic response... that's how you know that something DID happen. You wouldn't be feeling this way if it was something you made up or it wasn't real. Also, I know how you feel about not being able to talk about what happened. I started therapy a little over a year ago and it took a LONG time for me to open up about what happened to me. But I will tell you that my T had a good plan with me. She got me on medication that I needed and worked with me on coping skills. I didn't understand this at first, but then I realized that she wanted me to be able to cope with the difficult emotions that come with talking about and processing trauma. I said that to say that if you DO decide to seek professional help, you don't have to disclose everything right away. They will work with you and hopefully they will help you from slipping into that depression. If it's something you don't feel ready to do, don't feel pressured to do it! I just wanted you to know that they shouldn't rush you or pressure you - they are there to HELP you. I hope something I've said here has been helpful to you. If you have questions or need to talk about anything, you can message me! I'm very passionate about therapy so I tend to get long-winded on the subject. But I can relate to missing pieces of what happened and the self-blame and even thr doubt about what happened. So, if you need to talk, I am here Wishing you all the best, Poppy

Hi, @RubyRosie! Thanks for the comment and feedback! I feel honored that my blog was the first one you read! That means so much to me Moving was a success! It caused me to be absent here, but I finally got my internet set up last night and things are starting to calm down where I have more free time to do things like this. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with moving! I am settling in alright and things seem to be coming together nicely Thank you for the advice and kind words! I hope you're enjoying the site so far and I hope you're feeling welcome! All my best, Poppy

Hi, @Romani - Welcome to After Silence! I understand the mix of emotions that comes with joining a site like this. It's a good thing to step out to take care of yourself! I hope that by being here, you are able to get the support you need and deserve. Feel free to share whatever you like when you feel ready to do so! Just know, though, that there is no pressure to share anything you are not ready to share. You are in control here and you get to choose what you share and when you share it. We do have a forum that is made exclusively for people to share their stories! That forum is called Share Your Story and it will automatically unlock for you once you've reached 10 posts. These posts can be boards that you've created or they can be responses to other boards. Please do keep in mind that because that forum is for stories, it can often be very triggering so please make sure you are in a good frame of mind if you decide to visit If you have any questions or need anything at all, don't hesitate to give me a shout! I'm around all the time Warmest welcome, Poppy