Poppy_

Hi @JenXJenny - Welcome to After Silence! I'm really glad you found us. I know how scary it can be to go through stuff like this and no one should have to go through that alone. So don't worry - we are all here to support you! You can always talk to me if you need someone to talk to. I have an open door policy and I am always online. Just one PM away! Sending you safe hugs! Warm wishes, Poppy

Hi, @NightJasmine - Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but I'm hoping you will find the support you need here You've come to the right place! This community is truly wonderful. If you have any questions while getting acquainted here, please feel free to reach out! I'm always here! Sending support, Poppy

Hi, @WhatWeAreMeantToBe - Welcome to After Silence! First let me say your intro was super cute and fun - I love it! I'm so happy that you are so excited to be here! It truly is a wonderful community to be a part of and I've gained so much from this site. As far as your drawing, there is a forum on here made for you to share your art so that might be something cool for you to look into! And I will be sure to call you Alley You can absolutely wait to share your experiences when you're ready! That is entirely up to you. We are all here to support you when/if you decide to share, and all the time in between I hope you're liking it around here so far. If you have any questions, please let me know! I am happy to help. Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

@moongoddess, I will definitely look into it! It seems like a good read. Thank you for the suggestion and for reading my post I truly appreciate it

Hello, @Via - Welcome to After Silence! You have found a great, safe space to talk as freely as you'd like When you're ready, feel free to share whatever is on your mind! I'm sure there are plenty of survivors here that will be able to relate to you and help share in your experience. If you need anything, please feel free to reach out to me! Wishing you all the best, Poppy

Safe hugs are always okay! Thank you, @AKB I really appreciate your response. I’m honestly sorry that you understand and can relate to this! It’s so painful. But I’m here to support you too if you need it

Hi, @kjhlhkjhj - Welcome to After Silence! I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. I understand how scary it is when you first join and you’re not sure how safe this is and if/when you should talk. But I want to assure you that all of the other forums that don’t say “PUBLIC” on them, are completely safe and only visible to registered survivors. You never have to post anything you’re uncomfortable posting including your name. You can be called whatever you’d like! I can see you’re both scared and nervous. I want you to take a deep breath - you’re okay. This is a safe space, I promise. If you need to talk, please feel free to message me. I’m always online and I’m here to support you. You are not alone. Sending safe hugs, Poppy

Hi, @Turtle_Muffin - Welcome to After Silence! I know it can be a little daunting to join a site like this and to start posting, but I promise you've come to a very supportive place and no one here is going to judge or look down on you You've already done a great job introducing yourself! My T was also the one that recommended this site to me and I'm so glad she did. I have met so many wonderful people here! It's an amazing community to be a part of. If you need anything, please let me know! I'm here to help in any way I can Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

This post has some strong references to ED behaviors. Please don't read ahead if you are not in the mind to do to. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. I stared at this blank page for HOURS last night trying to decide how to start this blog and honestly debating on if I even wanted to post it. Time was fleeting, and I was struggling. It seemed as though all of my efforts to try to collect my thoughts were in vain because simply put – this is hard to write about. I tried to find another topic to write about today – I really did. But there was nothing going on that was worthy and being written down and this has been pressing on the forefront of my mind the past several days. I guess that’s my mind’s way of saying it’s time to deal with this and get it out in the open. It’s a funny little thing called emotional abuse. I know I spoke about emotional abuse in my last blog, but I didn’t really delve into everything that goes on in my household that constitutes as emotional abuse. I talked about how I have dealt with emotional abuse from my mother, but not so much what came from my father. My mother had more of an emotional neglect sort of abuse. My father… well, I’ll tell you about his. I’d like to say I’m very resilient and that words don’t affect me, but I’d be lying. Words hurt me more than physical abuse ever has. It has taken me a very long time to call this emotional abuse. My T has tried to explain emotional abuse to me several times, but I always deny that that is, indeed, what this is. I guess part of me bringing this up this week is because I’m finally admitting to myself what this is. I’ve always had a fear of talking about this – especially here. It’s hard to look at my situation and believe it has the same damaging effects as some of the trauma that people here have gone through. I was told growing up that I wasn’t allowed to be sad or upset because my biological parents are married. Because for some reason, that meant my life was perfect. So how could I possibly call this abuse when my life was so perfect all the time??? I developed an eating disorder when I was 15 years old. I was formally diagnosed with bulimia when I was 19. Part of me wants to blame this on my father, but part of me knows that he may not be the sole cause for my eating disorder. I know that I have other issues that factor into this, but I can’t help but think he planted a seed somewhere along the way. My mother and father both exercise regularly and eat healthy. I don’t. Not as consistently as they do. So, for that, there’s always a bit of shame around me for being heavier than them and for eating more fast food than they do. And any time I eat out, I get an ear full about it. About how I need to stop doing it because I’m wasting money mostly, but there’s also the underlying reason of ‘because you’re fat’. My dad wasn’t always the fit man he is now though. My dad was a lot heavier at one point in his life. One day he buckled down to lose weight, and he did. And ever since then, it’s been a lecture to me about being fit. But not only does he “encourage” (I use that term loosely) me to live a healthier lifestyle, he also makes unnecessary comments that drive me to a state of starvation and purging. One of my favorites is when I’ve not eaten all day and it’s 4 o’clock on the afternoon. I wander into the kitchen looking for some sort of sack or meal and I get welcomed with a, “Hey, little piggy. Coming to belly up to the trough?” To which I respond with a polite ‘no,’ and walk away hungry. He uses that one a lot. There was a time not too long ago that I had dropped a lot of weight. It was the smallest I had been in YEARS. But I was hardly eating. I was on an exercise program, but I was never hungry and furthermore, I wanted to be small. It was easier to not eat. So I would come in from a workout and grab something small so my parents would see me eating. But then it became, “Are you just eating that now so you can go eat in your closet later?” followed by an eruption of laughter from both him, and my mother. That comment lead into several jokes about eating in secret and purging. They thought it was hilarious. They had no idea that I was already hardly ever keeping any food down. There are more, but I’m sure you get the idea. Anything about food results in me being called fat in some way, shape, or form, or it leads to a string of jokes about bulimia. I can’t eat a proper meal without being judged. But my father gets mad if I talk about being nervous to eat in front of people. How does he not know that HE instilled this fear in me? The other half of his “jokes” aren’t any better. They’re more about how I also wasn’t the smart kid. His favorite line used to be “you’re a fat, stupid, loser,” but he hasn’t said that one in a while. Sometimes he just calls me ‘stupid.’ There was one day I was laying in bed, had just woken up but had my bedroom door open. He walked into my bedroom called me a ‘piece of garbage’ and walked away. All I did was exist. I hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet. While I realize these are all minor instances, when it goes on for years, it’s hard to “brush it off” and move on. To know that my dad feels so ashamed of me for being overweight and to know he thinks so little of my self-worth that he could actually tell me I would never amount to anything, hurts. I was never physically abused by my father. He’s never laid a hand on me. But his words have hurt me. So, in closing, I guess I should say that I don’t forgive him. Not yet. I’m still trying to fix the pieces of what HE messed up. The parts of me that he shattered with his words and his shame. I am trying to learn that I’m still valuable in some way or that I have some worth and hopefully one of these days, I will see that. Until then, I’m going to eat my pizza, and I’m not sharing. Hope you’re all doing well and thank you for taking the time to read. Hopefully next week I’ll have something a bit more exciting to write about! Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

Hi, @redmess - Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry for everything you've gone through, it sounds horrific. I'm hoping you will find some good support and healing here as you get to know everyone this is a wonderful community of people that understand all too well the struggles you may be facing. It's okay to speak out no matter how long it's been. We are still here for you! If you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out! I'm always around. Warm and well wishes, Poppy

@vitamin - Welcome back! So good to meet you I hope you find the same help and comfort here that you used to! If you need anything, please let me know! Poppy

Wow, you really get me! I wish they had a card like that.. I would buy them in stock so I would have one for each year for her. Thank you for your support

Hi, @Haribo2906, Welcome to After Silence! You've come to the right place to find support and speak out about what happened to you. There are lots of people here that have most likely been through something similar to you and are in different places in their healing journey. You can always find the specific forums that will help you to connect with survivors of similar circumstances. Maybe that can strike up a conversation and they can share what helped them with their triggers I hope you're liking it here at AS so far! If you have any questions, feel free to let me know! I'm always around! Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

Hi, @Connor - Welcome to After Silence! I am so very sorry for what happened to you. I want you to know that everyone here believes you and no one here will chalk it up to an overactive imagination. You have every right to feel however you need to feel about your trauma. I'm hoping as you get around the forums more, you will see how truly amazing this community is and you'll be able to speak out as much as you wish about your abuse. That's completely up to you! Until then, I'm hoping you find all of the strength and encouragement you need. We are all here with open arms and you are never alone! Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

Thank you so much! The support means so much.