Poppy_

Hi, @michimafu - Welcome to After Silence! I'm glad you found us here and I hope once you have the opportunity to be more active, you will enjoy it here. It's so helpful to have all of these supportive people here all the time! There's so much love here and it's so interesting to meet people that can relate to you and help you through your healing journey. I'm sorry for everything you have gone through and are currently going through. Just know that when you're ready, we will all be here with open arms to greet you! Sending my support and hugs if you'd like them, Poppy

Hi, @Evolvedfish - Welcome to After Silence! You found a good place to connect with people that will understand what you’ve been through and will be able to support you. This site is truly amazing and full of such wonderful people! I’m sorry for what brought you here, but I’m happy to know you’ve made it this far in your journey. I’m supporting you and I’m here if you ever need anything! Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

Hi, @melissastarr88 - Welcome to After Silence! I am sorry you are carrying such a heavy load right now, but I want you to know that you are not alone and you can share whatever you need to here. This is a safe space full of love and support and people that want to help you navigate through your healing journey. You don't have to share anything that you are not ready to share, but when you do feel ready to take that step, we will all be here for you! Take your time looking around and getting familiar with the site. If you should have any questions or if you run into any problems, please let me know! I'm here for you I'm sending you the warmest welcome and the safest hugs if you'd like them Happy thoughts, Poppy

Hi, @Guilia - Welcome to After Silence! I am so sorry for the things you endured that brought you here, but you have come to the right place for support. This is absolutely a safe environment for you to feel however you need to feel and to fall apart if you need to. We are all here to help you when you fall down and hug you when you're sad. You're not alone here! If you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out to me anytime. I am here always and I want to help you achieve some healing in your life. You deserve it. Wishing you all the best, Poppy

Hi, @emmaemmaemma - Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry you had to endure something that brought you here, but I'm glad you found us. This site is truly wonderful and will be here to support you in every way possible! I'm hoping that as you navigate the site and become more comfortable, you'll see the steadiness and the unwavering support that abides here. If you need anything at all, please feel free to come to me! I'm here for you. Sending hugs if you want them, Poppy

Hi, @092319 - Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry for what happened to you and I'm sorry that box was recently opened and is haunting you. I was to assure you that you've come to the right place to seek support for this. There will be many people here that can probably relate to your story and can share their experiences with you. It has been so helpful for me to know I can always reach out here if I'm in need of support. If you should need anything at all, I'm here! Just a quick PM away. Sitting with you and sending loads of support! Hugs if you want them, Poppy

Hi, @Kassygirl - Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry for the events that took place and led you here, but I'm glad you've found us for support. As everyone has mentioned, this really is a truly WONDERFUL community full of amazing people. I hope that as you continue to look around, you can see how supportive this site is and you can see some of the healing that has taken place. If you should need anything at all, please feel free to holler at me! I'm always online and my door is always open Wishing you all the best, Poppy

Hi, @kelseah50 - Welcome to After Silence! I am sorry to hear you're struggling right now. I'm hoping this community will help you find the support and validation you need. If you should need anything at all, please feel free to reach out to me! I'm just a shout away. Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

Hi, @Blue (they/them) - Welcome to After Silence! Congratulations on coming out as nonbinary! I know it's really hard to be open about that kind of thing so that's really awesome of you. I know you have always felt like no one wanted to hear you, but I'm here to say that WE will listen and support you about anything you need or want to discuss. You don't have to be afraid of burdening anyone here - we WANT to be here for you. This is a safe space. Your hobbies and interests sound wonderful! I'm glad you're able to find SOME joy in them, even if not entire happiness. If you need anything or have any questions, please always feel free to reach out to me. My arms are wide open! Sending hugs if you want 'em, Poppy

Hello, friends. Welcome to my Wednesday catch up session! I guess it’s been about a week since my last blog entry. I have been struggling the past couple of days, but I am feeling much better right now. Progress, right? This weekend was INSANE for me! I was crazy busy Thursday through Sunday and am just now finally starting to feel like I can relax. I suppose I did some relaxing on Saturday, but I made a dumb decision and decided to watch the new show Unbelievable on Netflix. In my defense, I didn’t REALLY know what it was about. I thought it would be nice to change things up and watch something new, so I started watching it. I had no idea it would be so triggering! Once I started it, I should’ve known to stop after the triggers started but, I didn’t. I just finished watching it Monday and my mind has been obsessing on all things rape related since starting it. Again, it wasn’t my finest choice but there isn’t anything I can do about it now. It was a good show, I just wouldn’t recommend watching it if you’re sensitive to rape triggers. Thursday was a fun day for the most part. In Oklahoma, everyone here knows that September is a month that really only matters because of the State Fair. The time of year where the food is fried, calories don’t count, and people watching is at its prime! I had been preparing for my day at the fair and made sure to keep my eating as healthy as possible in the days leading up to that Thursday. I knew some calories would be burned from all the walking, but I’m still trying to lose weight over here! I didn’t want to waste all of my progress on one day. I woke up Thursday morning and went to therapy at 8am. Had a nice, long, difficult session and then went home to work out. My mother and I did a strength training workout because when you work to build muscle versus cardio, you burn calories through the entire day. We needed to torch those calories while shoving our faces with corndogs and fried pies! After our workout, I went to my room to change and get ready. Once my mom came home from running errands, we headed out! We made it to the fair around noon. The first thing I ate was a corndog. While that sounds a little juvenile for those that don’t go to the state fair, there is no corndog on earth like the ones at the fair! I had been craving it for weeks before the fair even came! We walked around some more while deciding what to have next. We made it through a building where they had several (and I mean SEVERAL) vendor booths open. We ended up stopping at a cute little table with bath salts. Anyone that knows me, knows I am an AVID bath taker. I find them to be a great way to relax, decompress, and just be left alone. I typically go to Lush and buy bathbombs, but I decided to give these a try. They smelled amazing and I knew it wouldn’t ruin my bath so, why not? I will add here that I have since used said bath salts, and they were great! I will be going to their store for more! After collecting our jars of smell good bath stuff, we headed out in search of more food. We came across and waffle truck that my dad had told me was delicious. Of course, I ended up with chicken and waffles (one of my favorites) and was not disappointed! These waffles were made into the shape of a corndog. Basically, it was like a skinny, fried chicken strip with a waffle as the breading and it was served on a stick just like 90% of the food at the State Fair. Another fun fact about me, I LOVE condiments. The more sauce, the better. I don’t eat anything without some sort of dipping sauce. That means I needed something to put atop my chicken-waffle-corndog-on-a-stick. My mom and I both put syrup AND hot sauce on it. I know what you’re thinking, but I promise it was VERY good. I wouldn’t steer you in the wrong direction. After this excursion, we made our way into more buildings. There isn’t much more to report about the buildings as we just walked around and looked at vendor booths. You better believe that when we were done, we went for more food. We did make a pitstop here to ride the Ferris Wheel which was VERY tall and VERY scary. I am not afraid of heights, so I didn’t expect this to scare me one bit! The further we went up, the more nervous I got. It was getting windier (because this is Oklahoma where is it ALWAYS windy) and I couldn’t help but think about the possibility of the entire wheel falling over and causing my world to (literally) come crashing down. But don’t worry – that didn’t happen. After this, we found a food truck with lots of tasty things on the menu. We ended up with ghost pepper tater tots and philly cheesesteak nacho fries. The tater tots were alright, but the fries were AMAZING. I was NOT disappointed. I will insert a picture below! The fries sat pretty heavy, so we walked that off for a bit longer before scouring for our next treat. Before our next run for food, we stopped to watch the pig races. I’m sure this is an Okie thing because as I’m typing it, I realize how weird it sounds. They have this very small track and they let these little pigs run around and race for an Oreo (that’s what they say, I don’t know if the pigs actually EAT Oreos). The final round of races is when they let the piglets run and it’s the CUTEST thing EVER (aside from my niece, of course – nothing is cuter than her). They also give all the piggies cute little pun names, but I can’t remember all of them. One of them was Brad Pig (instead of Brad Pitt) so that was cute. I’m sorry that my brain can’t remember the rest of them! After the pig races, it was time for dessert. We made our way to the fried pie truck! We split a chocolate fried pie with vanilla ice cream. This was hands down the BEST fried pie I’ve ever had in my life! It was so good that I’ve thought about it every day since then. They also had a fried pumpkin pie with cinnamon ice cream, and we went back for that later. It wasn’t as good as the chocolate but was still good! After this, I was finished. I didn’t think my tummy could hold any more food! So, we made our way back to the bath salt table and collected our jars (the girl that was working that vendor booth let us leave them there so we wouldn’t have to carry them around all day), then headed home around 4:00. After that, we went to pick up my niece from daycare and made a trip to SAMs for my mom. Lucky me, I had a cake order that had to be done for Saturday at 3:00pm. When this order was placed, I didn’t realize it was the same weekend as this huge conference I had to go to Friday night. I knew that meant that Friday night, I would not be home until around midnight and I was NOT staying up to bake that night because I had to work that Saturday. That left me with Thursday night to bake and Saturday to decorate. The order was for a small cake and 40 cupcakes. I got home around 9:00pm, baked, and my cakes were falling apart. I couldn’t get them to stay together! I had hoped that staying in the refrigerator Thursday night and all of Friday would help, so that’s what I did. I put them away and hoped that I would be able to get my decorating done in a timely manner on Saturday. Friday, I worked from 9:15-6:15, which is my normal schedule, then I went home and changed and headed to the conference. I was correct about what time I would make it home. It was right around midnight and I was wiped. I also had to be up early the next day to make it to work! Saturday morning, I worked from 8:45-12:15, then made a mad dash home to decorate cakes and cupcakes. The cupcakes were easy peasy and turned out great! The cake on the other hand, was not so great. I was trying to hold it together by using frosting as glue and it just became a sloppy mess. I decided to stick it in the freezer and hope it would stiffen so I could fix it. This didn’t work either. At this point, it was almost 2:00pm and I needed to deliver this stuff in an hour! I will admit I ended up having to cheat on this one. I had my mom go to the store and buy a small premade cake for me. I had NO time to bake new cakes and get them decorated. She brought it home, I scraped all the frosting off, then decorated it to what it was SUPPOSED to look like. I don’t know why my cake died. I make cakes ALL THE TIME. For some reason, this one was a mess. I didn’t anticipate any problems because it was so simple! Luckily, the order was for a friend and I called and spoke with her about what happened. She was completely understanding about the situation and was pleased with how everything turned out! I will post the cake below if you’re interested! By the time I got the order delivered and got my kitchen put back in order, it was 5:30pm and I was DONE. My feet were hurting, my body was tired, I was hungry, and I wanted sleep. I decided to take a bath to relax and rinse off the excess powdered sugar and food coloring from my body (at one point, I ended up with blue frosting on my shoulder???). This is when I started watching Unbelievable. After my bath, we decided it was time to eat. We made it to Panda Express for some Chinese food and although the line was long, it didn’t feel like it took forever to make it through. Once we got home, my mother and I both agreed to eat in our own rooms in front of our own televisions. I enjoyed a nice meal, some time on AS, and some Netflix. I finally let the sleep take over and crashed until Sunday morning. Sundays are ALWAYS insane for me because of the things I do on that day. Luckily, The New Guy was out of town, so I didn’t have a T session with him. I really don’t think my brain could have handled that! All in all, it was a busy but successful weekend and I am glad it’s over! I don’t have near as much to accomplish this coming weekend, but I’m sure I will still be running around! I know this was probably not the most entertaining blog, but this is what my life has been like! Thank you for sticking around and catching up on my craziness. I typically try to insert my title somewhere at the end of my blogs, but I don’t have a catchy title for this one. Maybe I’ll pick an already existing sentence! See you all later! Poppy

Hi, @redadmirals - Welcome to After Silence. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now I know how hard this stuff is to deal with, but you've made a HUGE step in joining this website! It's not an easy thing to do to put yourself out there like this. As far as disclosing your name - that's entirely up to you. If you feel comfortable and you want to, sharing your first name is absolutely alright! If you would rather stay anonymous, that's okay too. We have a mix here of people that share their names and people that are anonymous. Take your time looking around the forums and post when you feel ready. You can make those healing connections here - I promise If you need anything at all, please feel free to reach out to me! It's what I'm here for. Wising you the best, Poppy

Hi, @artista - Welcome to After Silence! It's completely okay to not feel comfortable talking about yourself or posting yet. You can always respond to other posts until you decide you're ready to make your own post! I will let you know that this a safe place to talk about anything you need or want to. Everyone here is beyond supportive and will welcome you with open arms! Take your time looking around the site and jump in whenever you feel ready. If you have any questions at all or need help with anything, please don't hesitate to reach out to me! I'm always here and my door is always open Until later, Poppy

Hi, @Sketcher - Welcome to After Silence! I'm so sorry you're hurting right now I'm also not very good at talking in person, but I find that writing here is much easier. I blog a lot and I have found that to be so safe and healing for me! It may be worth looking into for you if you're interested! I do want you to know that this is a safe place where you can share whatever you need to. The community here is so supportive and loving - you are safe here. And when you're ready to share or when you need that support, we will all be here with open arms. I hope you're finding your way around the site okay. If you need help or even just a friend, please don't hesitate to reach out to me! My inbox in always open for you Sending hugs if you want them, Poppy

I'm glad it helps! Just know you can reach out to me if you ever need to talk about anything or if you need a friend - I'm here for you

Hi, @Gingerjess - Welcome to After Silence! You are AWESOME for going ahead and reading all of the rules and guidelines! I'm sorry you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us This community is so strong and full of all kinds of support and wonderful people. I hope you realize that as you get more comfortable in the forums. Yes, you can absolutely post pictures of your cats! There is a forum called Simply Life and in there, there is a pinned board called Pet Pictures and you can always post there! You could also post as a status update or on your posts if you wish If you need anything, please let me know! I'm always here! Wishing you well, Poppy

Hi, @Achelois - Welcome to After Silence! I'm so sorry you're realizing this now. Trauma is just as hard to go through later in life as it is when if first happens. I am also currently finding out that I have some sexual abuse in my past that I didn't know about, so I can kind of relate to how you're feeling. I hope you find some support here and you start feeling better soon! Just remember that you're not alone. If you ever need anything at all, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm always here Sending loads of support, Poppy

Hi, @zelda1996 - Welcome to After Silence! It's awesome that you're so excited and eager to get involved! This community is a wonderful place to be and there's support everywhere. Take your time getting acquainted with the site and the forums and if you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out to me I'm here for you! Best, Poppy

You're never alone, Cap.

Hi, welcome to After Silence! I tried to tag your name but I can't figure out how to make the fancy "O" LOL. Cats are super cute, I would love to see pictures sometime! I hope you meet some new wonderful people on this site Sending happy thoughts, Poppy

Hi, @AWillingVessel - Welcome to After Silence! I can't wait to get to know you better Hope you're enjoying the site so far! I'm here if you ever need anything!

This post contains graphic details of sexual assault. Please take caution reading ahead. Well, happy Tuesday, everyone! I’ve gotten over the idea of posting once a week and always posting on the same day. While in theory that was a good idea, my life demands my attention to other things and sometimes I need to write about the stuff that I just can’t get out of my head. Today is one of those days. My mind is swimming in thoughts and ideas and memories and until I get them out on paper, I feel as though I will drown in them and not be able to breathe again. I’m longing for that breath of fresh air so I’m writing the thoughts down. Clearing them. Purging my mind of the details that plague me and render me completely useless in life because I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t properly function. I’ve been avoiding writing for about a week now. I’ve had things to write about, but I guess I just wasn’t ready. My Thursday therapy session revealed some new information that had me in shock for a while, then the shame came. It felt like something I COULDN’T tell anyone. It still carries an undesirable amount of heaviness, but I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve only shared this with one person after discovering it in therapy, and then I shoved it way down and decided it was something I didn’t want to deal with. Not now, and not ever. I was fine before pulling it out of the depths of my twisted brain and now it’s just sitting here, and I can’t get rid of it. This knowledge I have that I wish never would have revealed itself. It’s not something I even shared with The New Guy. Partly because it didn’t feel relevant, and partly because I was just flat out afraid to. I don’t even really know how I feel about sharing it here, but my writing has become my safe place. This feels like somewhere that I can truly open up and share what I need to. Since I’m having trouble functioning as a regular human being, I decided I needed to write it out. I need to process it. I’m not typically one to keep things to myself, so that tells me that this thing I’m about to tell you, is a thing of great magnitude and it’s something so very private. I’m hoping you’ll bear with me as I expose the inner parts of my very being. I know you’re probably tired of me beating around the bush. I guess I’m avoiding my own writing. Part of me DOES want to write about this, but the other part of me wants to continue to keep it locked away forever. I’m also tired of my brain being such an unsafe place for me right now…so I need to get it out. For those that read my last blog, you know that I am in the process of uncovering some disturbing sexual experiences from my childhood. The New Guy opened a door and it’s like I haven’t been able to stop the influx of painful memories that are barging in and interrupting my life. Funny that he was the one to open this door and he’s the one I DIDN’T tell about this new memory. I should probably tell him as it might be important for my treatment, but I just haven’t worked up the nerve. I see him again in two weeks. I MIGHT tell him then. Anyway, he opened this door and all these memories came flooding in and as I was processing, more memories came up. I’ve already written about all of this. What I have neglected to share is what came up after. I didn’t tell about what happened with my other therapist at my Thursday appointment that week. I told Thursday T about my session with The New Guy and everything that came up with him. She proceeded to pull out a timeline I made for her when I first started seeing her. She calls it a “timeline of bothersome events.” The stuff I talked about with The New Guy was on that list, but I had neglected to share something with him. It wasn’t intentional, I just didn’t think about it until Thursday T pulled out that list and asked me about it. When she mentioned what I wrote down, I remembered that specific part, but the more we talked about it, the more I remembered. I’m going to share this with you in the same way it came back to me. Thursday T asks about the time I was in the backyard and I pulled my pants down for a boy. He was a neighbor boy and he had a younger brother. Right after I pulled my pants down, my mom saw it and the boy had to leave. I remembered that I had touched his penis before. That was the extent of my memories. I then remembered that I was only in second grade and I didn’t go to daycare yet. This was before the other boy that I gave blowjobs to and the girl that asked if I was horny. This was different. I started to remember that the boy was older than me. He was maybe 12 and I was about 7. I remembered that he made me touch his penis when I didn’t want to. I remembered all of the times we were outside playing, and he would take me to the side of the house where no one could see us, and he would touch me and make me touch him. I remember not wanting to do it. Then I remembered the big thing. The part that was hidden from my own brain and I wasn’t even sure WAS a memory, but maybe something I made up. Thursday T reassured me that the way it came back to me, meant it was definitely a memory. It did happen. I remembered that we would all play house upstairs in my younger sister’s bedroom. Me, my sister, the boy, and his younger brother. I remembered that because the boy and I were the oldest, we always played the mom and dad. When it was time to sleep in the game (which seemed to happen often), the mom and dad would go into the closet to sleep. I remember that in this closet, the 12-year-old boy tried to have penetrative sex with me. A 7-year-old girl. The memory stops there. I don’t remember if he made it inside, I don’t remember if it hurt, I don’t remember if I cried. I do remember him trying to insert himself inside me. I also remember that nighttime in a game is usually not very long. I remember him telling the others not to come in the closet and telling them it was still nighttime. I remember that I wanted the night to end. Right now, this is my earliest sexual encounter that I remember. I don’t have much else to say about this. I just needed to share this because my brain couldn’t take anymore. I was also kind of hoping more stuff would come back when I put this down on paper – that didn’t happen. But then again, maybe that’s for the best. I need to clear some of this out before I take on more. In closing, I’m sorry this hasn’t been the uplifting blog I hope to someday bring you. I’m going through a long, hard depressive episode right now and I can’t seem to find my way out. I’m on medication to level out my episodes of depression and hypomania, but it seems the medication has left me in just a depressive state and the other medication isn’t helping with that. But, that’s a blog for another time. Thanks for listening, and I’ll be back soon, I’m sure. XO, Poppy

Hi, @mattzigzagu - Welcome to After Silence! I am sorry you have been hurt and have a reason to join, but I, too, am glad you found us I'm also sorry you're dealing with so much pain and hurt right now - I know how hard that is. Take your time looking around the site and share as much or as little as you desire in your own time. We will all be here to support you when you are ready! If you should need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out to me! I am here all the time and my door is always open. Sending you happy thoughts, Poppy

Hi, @Lauren23 - Welcome to After Silence! I know how intimidating it can be so step out like this, so good job on taking that first step I know on this site you will find people to talk to that can relate to your experiences and the people here are incredibly supportive! Continue looking around the site and let me know if you run into any problems or need help with anything! I’m always here for you Best wishes, Poppy

Hi, @KotzKat - Welcome to After Silence! I know how hard it is to realize something so heavy about yourself. There are things about my past that I'm just recently coming to realize and I've been a basket case! So I know kind of how you feel. I am truly sorry that you belong here, but I want to welcome you with open arms. I hope you'll find peace and healing here. If you need anything, please feel free to reach out to me any time I'm here for you! Hugs, Poppy