feralcat
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Not sure where to put this, an idea for a writing topic:
How do you evolve enough that when you hear the phrase "self care" you don't immediately roll your eyes, shake your head, and make the finger-down-the-throat vomit hand gestures?
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Hi Samantha,
Just checking in to see how you're doing today... I hope the day is going a little better for you.
Feel free to pm me any time. And take good care of yourself.
Hugs!
feralcat
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I have had a pretty decent day so far. I really am craving alcohol but I am trying so hard to push that from my mind !
Thank you for being a wonderful, caring person @feralcat 💜
sam 🖤
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trigger warning 12-memory of a memory
feralcat commented on samantha2009's blog entry in into the cave we wander
So sorry Sam.... Sitting with you, feralcat -
I don't really know all the rules here about blogs and if it's ok to respond to blogs or if they're more personal space or something... But I wanted to tell you that I read your blog. I am so so sorry for all of the trauma you experienced. You are such a strong survivor. I'm so glad you got away from that twisted piece of shit. You deserve to have a happy peaceful life... I hope you have a wonderful caring trauma therapist to guide you on your healing journey. Take good care of yourself.
Sending you safe hugs and comforting light,
feralcat
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@samantha2009 I see you. I hear you. I believe you.
You are not alone.
You can breathe...
You are a strong and resilient survivor. Believe in your capacity to heal. I do.
Feel free to message me anytime.
feralcat
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@feralcat thank you so much. Your words and the fact you’re willing to be there for me means everything to me.
I felt so alone for so long with this and now I really feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest
sam
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Hi Silence,
I don't know the details of what you went thru as a kid or what your children experienced. But you are grappling with complicated thoughts and feelings, which have immense ramifications for you and your family. Justice is a a murky, elusive, complex concept. Many levels. Many different belief systems. But pretty basic at it's core: We live in a society and we are all connected, so if an individual commits morally reprehensible acts that harm others then there should be negative consequences, commensurate with the destructive force and consequences of his/her actions. Philosophers in every culture have wrestled with this idea since the dawn of civilization. Or at least when our frontal lobes evolved enough to create these thoughts. Since then a lot of amazing thought has been put into this. By folks with more gray matter than most dozen people. It's worth reading some philosophy books to explore the subject. The issue can be consuming. Justice, revenge, killing a sexual predator to prevent future victims. Unintended negative aftermath to victims/survivors. Sadness. Guilt. Children horrified when they learn that the abuse they experienced led their father to become a murderer. Impossible-to-predict consequences...
You may want to avoid considering feelings and emotions. Focusing on moral justice and possible courses of action is cleaner, less messy. You may not want to hear people tell you that killing a person is wrong. And that you are a good person and should not kill.
My thoughts about your situation are slightly different. I am a pacifist but I understand anger, pain, revenge, preventative strike. I don't think you need to hear that right now. So I will ask you the simple questions that someone else asked me 25 years ago. Not long after a brutal kidnapping and 3 days of torture and sexual violence. Before I became a pacifist. The questions that I initially dismissed as trivial. Then they kept popping up. At odd times of day and night. Haunting me until I paid attention to them. Which I reluctantly did. And later the questions became life-changing. I suspect that you will be tempted to disregard them as irrelevant distractions as well...
The questions are simple:
What are you doing with your energy?
Where are you focusing your power?
Are you doing absolutely everything possible to heal yourself (and your children) or are you distracting yourself with other issues?
Some things to think about maybe.
I wish you well.
feralcat
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It's clear (maybe it's me that's not).
I don't think I agree with all that you say. But that doesn't mean you are wrong. It means we might have different opinions, that's all.
Any and everyone on this site who has spoken to me, including yourself have done so with my best interest at heart. I know that.
You have not irritated me, I'll be honest and say I'm not sure what off base means and your honest attempt to help me is in its self, helpful.
I meant that I want to reply but I don't find putting thoughts into actual words easy and it's important to me that I don't mess up (although I now feel that my first attempt to say that was, in its self, a mess up).
You didn't just take the time to read my dribble, you took the time to try and help. Thank you.
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Hi Silence,
Glad my good intentions came thru...
I've always thought that words are clumsy tools for us humans to use to try to express complex thoughts and feelings.... But until we come up with something more accurate, words will have to do... We are all coming from different worlds, and we're bound to have different interpretations and opinions on things...
"Off-base" as I used it was meant to say perhaps-not-very- relevant or applicable to your situation. Not sure of the words origins.
No worries on my side about saying the 'wrong' thing... I am a first class verbal- and written- muddler myself. God bless the EDIT button! And you can always add an addendum if you think you weren't clear... Whatever is good for you.
Hope the skies above you right now are clear blue... (Or moon-lit if youve got night going on)
feralcat
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Hi Invisible,
Sounds like you're having a rough day. I'm glad you got to talk w your therapist but sounds like it was a pretty short conversation. What's going on w her schedule? Can't you at least get an appt scheduled, even if it's not for this week? I would hate that uncertainty too... Are there things she could suggest to help you until you meet? Or maybe an emergency back-up plan?
Sleep deprivation is pretty awful. It makes everything feel so much harder to handle. I hope that you were able to nap a little today. And I hope that you can get some good sleep tonight.
Hang in there Invisible1. There are lots of folks here who care about you and are rooting for you.
Sending you lots of peaceful comforting energy
feralcat
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Thanks. She is working as a crisis administrator in a hospital setting, so starting this week she is working swing shift. Because there’s such a shortage of trauma therapists with masters degrees, her job pulled her from therapy to this position, which is i guess better for her but more complicated for us, as we have to figure out how and where to meet. Because of my past experience with abandonment by my t we are trying to figure something out so i do not have to change to a different t.
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Hi Reyzl,
I just wanted to thank for something you posted to iheartcupcakes 12/6 I think.
Sending you so much love and safe warm hugs and a blanket to wrap your triggered, frightened you in as you process this awful reminder. This feeling will pass and you will still be awesome
I have re-read this several times and I have found it so beautiful and helpful to myself. It's nice to be able to visualize me comforting the part of myself that is having terrifying flashbacks and feels helpless and frightened. It reminded me I have inner resources to help myself...
Thank you.
feralcat
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Hi Invisible1,
It sounds like you're going thru a pretty rough time... I hope that you can make an appt w your therapist so you can meet with her soon. A month is a long time to go without... I'm hoping that you can talk w her and resolve whatever issues are going on. It is tough to find good caring helpful therapists... But if the issues don't get worked out, or if she keeps ignoring you, then maybe you'll have to look for someone else, or maybe she could recommend another therapist? Hang in there
💖
feralcat
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thanks. she texted me back. her wifi was off on her phone so she wasn’t getting messages. we texted. we are going to meet soon i hope. no date or time yet. but i am hoping something next week. her schedule is changing so it will be difficult for the next few weeks until we get things figured out and she can work us in and also she has an anniversary coming up of her son’s suicide so she’s taking some time off for that.
thanks so much for checking on me. i appreciate it. i am having a high pain day. (i fell down the stairs a couple days ago and broke a couple ribs) due to the abuse and recent brain surgeries i now have seizures so balance is an issue. i am in pt an ot. i’ve had 3 brain surgeries this year, hopefully we are good for now.
anyways thanks for listening to me.
invisible
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Hi Hoping8, How was last night for you? I'm hoping you got at least a little sleep. I know it's really difficult to fall asleep when the anxiety is running high... It's also tough to function when you're sleep-deprived... Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you and sending you fierce-grace energy
And also, when you get a chance, try sending me a PM again. I did receive 2 other messages within the past couple days from other people, so if you can't send one then I should probably let someone know so they can fix it.... I hope today is good for you. Take care.
feralcat
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feralcat changed their profile photo
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Hi Fieldy
Just checking in, I was thinking about you and wanted to say hello. How are you doing? Do you have any pets you can snuggle with at night before trying to go to sleep? I'm going to try it with one of my feral cats, Rachel, who has just started showing interest in being petted. She's sweet, elderly. I took her in years ago when I saw her outside and realized she was almost completely blind. She's a trooper. Gets around very well. We'll see how it goes. Take care.
feralcat
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Hi Vitamin, just checking in... Wondering if you were able to sleep ok. I hope the after-EMDR nightmares end soon... You are so brave 🙂 I'm usually around if you ever want to talk. Take care.
feralcat
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Hey @feralcat
thanks for checking in, I really appreciate it! The post-EMDR nightmares did die down but then I had another session today so have it all to look forward to again! I’m here if you want to talk too, I have family visiting this week so won’t be around as much but will check in most evenings.
vit
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Hi Vitamin,
Just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing... Hope you're having good dreams..... 🙂
feralcat
P.S. How's my buddy Hank?
