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Today's T was really hard.  I somehow managed to pluck up the courage to speak to her about my thoughts when I masterbate - that the things that arouse me are all violent / assaults.  It made me want to throw up just talking about it.  But she didn't judge me which was nice.  She pointed out that almost all of my sexual experience has been from abusive situations - so this is my point of reference.  This made me want to cry.  I guess I've never really heard someone tell me that actually I've been the victim of sexual assault & abuse.  I tried to explain this to her - I guess it was 2 fold, the 'being a victim' part (she didn't use the word victim, that's just what came to my head, in fact when I said this back to her, she came to the word 'survivor') because I've always tried to see myself in a strong way and 'victim' has such negative conatations.  And the just hearing that sexual abuse / assault was my point of reference / what I'd experienced all my life, was hard to hear as it made it very real.  I tried explaining that when I masterbate with these thoughts, it's not about enjoyment for me.  And she asked what it was about and I said releaving tension.  But I'm not sure that's completely accurate.  I've been thinking about it since, and I think it's to do with blocking thoughts and feelings.  I think when those thoughts and feelings begin to come in, I turn to it as a way to releave some of the pent up emotion (this I think is what I meant by tension) / to block it out, but also to somehow punish myself (she asked me why I'd want to hurt myself with these negative thoughts given that's what I saw them as - I'd told her I felt it was disgusting).  I think it's about feeling like I somehow deserved to get assaulted / abused or creating that feeling in order to escape the reality that it was abuse.  She asked my why I felt it was disgusting.  I couldn't think of the words really at the time, and mainly just said that they were not nice thoughts to have.  But I guess thoughts are one step away from actions aren't they.  And whilst I could never image myself assaulting / abusing anyone, it just makes me feel dirty somehow.  It's like so many abusers start off being abused themselves.  So I don't know, I just don't see it as natural.  It's also just not healthy and loving is it.  But then I don't know what healthy and loving looks like.  So how could I have a fantasy about that?  It's been a long one.


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