aperson

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About aperson

  • Birthday September 6

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    Survivor

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  1. @Bluesclues Thank you for the encouragement. I agree with you about other things influencing the ability to express one's self. I cannot recall that happening with the trauma. Maybe it comes from other areas in my life. Maybe that is the key. I dont mean the fact that I am more reserved now than before joining to be anything negative of AS. I have certainly taken a huge break because as you said it is difficult knowing all these members are hurting as I do. I think that it has more to do with the fact that I cant open up so why even bother others. I hope that makes a little sense. AS has certainly helped me believe in the possibility of healing. Patience with myself is something I lack. I havent given up the fight to be a better me. I didnt know how long taking the first step would take.
  2. Does it define me?

    How do you heal from something you are unable to express? I started in this group hoping that being a faceless name on a screen would give me the safety I needed to express myself. I had hoped it would allow me to freely say what I had been holding on to for so long. It would reduce the depression and suicidal thoughts that haunt me. I thought I would finally lift the mask of happiness to reveal real happiness but it hasnt. I had hope. Nearly 10 years later and I still feel like I am wearing the mask. Even more so than I had before. I was on here and reading post thinking how easily others can put words to their experience. How well they openly talked about those experiences and the steps they were taking to move forward. I thought how brave, strong and resilient are they? I want to be that one day. Every day I would try to be just that. Every day I failed. Thoughts came but they didnt make it past my head. I couldnt put those thoughts or feelings into words. I couldnt get past the fear that whatever I put someone, everyone, would read it and laugh or think how dumb is this person. They dont belong here. 9 years and I still believe these thongs. I spend 30 mins trying to pour out the anger, sadness, hurt and shame. Nothing. I try just starting with what happened. Nothing. So I am thinking that after all this time, the fight to not allow a trauma past to define me has been lost. It does define me and more than just lack of trust and being cautious. It defines every thought I have. It defines my sleep. It defines who I am as a daughter, sister, aunt and friends. It defines the words I use. It defines my dress. It defines every part of who I am as a person. I do not have the tools to let it not. I dont want it to. The life I am living is filled with distrust of the world around me. My decisions always lead to being based on the images of a young girl or a teenager who is still living with a secret. I feel as if I will always be alone on dealing with the trauma. The sleepless nights will be who I am. So now what? What can I do when nothing can be expressed? How do I move forward and enjoy the last half of my life with these feelings piling up? How do I let it not define the 2nd half of my life? It's not easy and I fear that no matter how hard I try, I will continue to fail.
  3. Triggers

    Sometimes I forget the many triggers that I have. Storms, kids, food color and textures, smells, touch, emotions. Today's is storms. I generally make it through the others with minor aches and pain. Storms is the one that breeds instant anxiety. I dont even understand why. It has been an issue for as far as I can remember. As a child I can remember curling up in a ball at the thunder and lightning. Even in college, I would seek a quiet room with no windows. Someone would come sit with me seeing the terror on my face. The strange thing is, I dont recall any time it happened during a storm or even rain. I may not remember what happened 20 mins ago but I do recall 95% of those times. Maybe it is part of the 5%. I have never been able to figure this trigger out. It is the 2nd biggest one. It is one I cannot escape. Storms happen. Without a sound-proof, windowless room, I must experience this one no matter how big or small, day or night. Storms can take me to a place I dont want to be. Reliving a life I want to forget with every fiber of my being. Storms invoke a child-like fear. So here I am, waiting for a storm that may or may not happen. Trying to breathe through the anxiety from anticipation and probably making it all worse. Feeling out of control. Dreading every flash of light, every loud noise. Counting the seconds between flashes and the thunder. 1, 2, 3, 4....Boom! Feeling safer when the numbers get larger and the flashes almost a distant memory. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...Boom! Allowing myself to breathe normal again. Shaking that feels like it starts deep inside lessens. The heartbeat returning to normal. Feeling like I am once again in the presence and apart of this world. Triggers. I would like to like without them. Most days I just want to feel like I have a handle on them. Right now I am just trying to get to the end of this one.
  4. Adventures in babysitting

    So my sister and I volunteered to keep my younger cousins. They are 2 and 3. Great age because they are mostly potty trained, talking and cute-ish. The following happened after dinner. No children, adults or feelings were. 2yrold Z is walking from bathroom holding her shirt. No pants. No underwear. 'I poo' she says. No big deal. 'Go get your bag' I say. Then she bends over and has a big glob of poop in her butt. My sister is laughing uncontrollably. 'Z go to the bathroom'. She goes to the bathroom so I go to follow. I take 2 steps around the couch and BOOM! A big fat glob of poop on the floor. My sister now has lost it. She is laughing so hard she cant talk. Z is looking at us like what y'all laughing at? I cant even move past the poo on the floor. The child is 10ft away but I cant get it. I am laughing but I am thinking who is picking this shit up. So what do I do? Video call the mama. Hell I gotta see this so should she. The mama sees the child and the poo and cracks up laughing. 'Come get your child. What is this shit!' Camera on Z. 'Mama I poo' She is proud I think lol. 20 mins we laugh and I try to get anyone else but me to get this. They are not having it. Traitors. Child clean. Floor clean. We settle down. Try getting ready for bed. 3yr old is insistent that her clothes are sleep clothes. 20 mins later my sister says K is your underwear wet? Did you pee? 'No.' Upon closer inspection the wetness is, yep. Poo. What the hell!? 2 yr old: K poo? Me: Yes 2yr old: Ewwwwww What? The nerve of her. And she is serious too. I cannot with these 2 tonight. How many days until Sunday? 😂😂😂
  5. Happy Thoughts

    It is a cool 70 outside. A great break from the hot, sticky, cant breathe heat. A yarn stash. I am working towards a full room. Organized and full of every yarn possible. Crochet. My saving grace many days. Best thing YouTube taught me. Logan the dog. The 5 month old lab. The biter. Really nibnling cuz he is still a pup and just being playful. When I finally took some time off work and dropped my niece at school. Our routine is to say have a good day to each other. She say hope you have a bad day staying home. Doing nothing. Lol She just mad I can go back to bed. Quietness. There was a time that arguing and tension was a daily thing. Thank god thats over. My night owl award. Because people at work think I dont sleep at all. I still need a frame for it. 😊 Facebook because it is pure entertainment most days. Singing off-key at the top of my lungs with the windows down. Who cares I cant carry a tune to save my life. A beautiful night sky. Moon shining bright and stars as far as you can see. Fall. No more yard work!!
  6. Staying centered

    I dont really know what to do with this. Maybe it should be a free writing excercise. Let the thoughts flow as they come. So, take 1. The last couple of months has been a blur. My grandmother is resting peacefully. I hope she is proud of who I am becoming. It is still a process for my dad. He and my sister have moments that they still grieve visibly. It is difficult for them to talk about her or see her pictures. I find her picture comforting in a way especially when I see her with her great-grandkids. It makes me happy to know they got to experience her in a small way. For them to know where she came from and what is possible. For her to see her legacy. Work is my escape when I get into it. Once I start I just keep going. I know it's not healthy but it keeps me focused on something else. It is very easy to work a 12 hour day or work late at night into the early morning. I already sleep a few hours a night so I am not missung sleep I would have gotten. My account team is in the UK and think I have lost my mind. Little do they know I probably have just a little. I have been having my moments of flashbacks. Moments where I can only see the past. I can only feel what I felt then. Moments where even the thought of assault is a trigger. Those are the sensitive moments. The moments where I recognize my whole body movements have changed. My attitude becomes more angry. My body is reserved. I am more sensitive to maintaining my bubble. Keeping my 3ft buffer against any type of touch or getting to close. It's hard knowing they live their lives quite comfortably. They are content and successful. They have no long-lasting trauma. No damage. It's like it never happened. Like these are normal life experiences and you just move on. But I cant just move on. I am stuck there. In that moment. I am constantly analyzing what I could have done 'better'. It's not hard keeping this to myself. I have sheltered myself so well that I am afraid I have done it too well. So well that it is 2nd nature now. So well that I dont even know what I feel anymore. I can no longer put words to feelings. I am not sure if I am feeling anymore. Much of the time it is just numbness. There's no joy or sadness. There is just making it through a day. Thats what has become hard. I may not have expressed the feelings but I knew what they were. I knew they existed. Now, I am not sure they exist. Putting words to a bad day or multiple days is harder. Explaining why it is a bad day is harder. Finding words to just express myself is harder. I am censoring myself constantly. Not expressing satisfaction or dissatisfaction and not certain I having an opinion towards either in many situations. The other issue is still an issue. Not well managed either. I cant wait til colder weather is here. People dont really understand that battle. It doesnt make sense to them. They dont get how it is possible to be damaged on the other end of the spectrum. They also cant acknowledge that they know something is wrong. I dont want them to but it would take away some awkwardness. I would probably never show my face to them again but at least then I can stop wondering how bad of a person they see me as.
  7. Out of Patience

    I am giving fair warning to everyone. I. Am. Out. Of. Patience. I have none. Dont try to fool me. My mouth is bad today. If I sad it offensively. You can be damn sure I meant that way. And yes I will repeat it as many times as you need. It wont be any prettier. Just leave me the hell alone.
  8. Thanks everyone. Hugs to all of you as well.
  9. She is gone.

    This morning, while we sat with our grandma, she took her last breath. I made one of the hardest calls I have made so far in life. I called my dad to tell him she was gone. But he knew before I could get the words out. At 0623, she left us. She went peacefully and without pain. Before he got there, I straightened her clothes and cleaned her face. I told her that we would all be ok. I know she is in heaven now one of my new guardian angels. When my dad came I stayed near by in case he needed me. He said his goodbye and said she is exactly where she wants to be now. He smiled. He thanked us for staying. We sat and held her hand until the funeral home came. I remember how warm she felt when I first checked for her pulse. I thought she would start breathing again. By the time they came, she was turning cold. There was no doubt that she wasnt there any more. So now the task begins. My brother is on the road as a truck driver and we are praying he makes it home in time. I am ok for now. The day of her services will be the hardest. It always is. That is when it really clicks that it is done. Earlier today, my sister and I had the same thought, lets go see gramdma later. Then we had the next thought of we cant. I made sure to get the blanket I crocheted for her. They cant find the other one.
  10. Missing her already

    Today is a sad sobering day. My grandmother is at the end of her days. I have known this day would come. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself. She had a great life. Even on her last 'aware' day she was smiling and laughing. Then she just stopped. She is a God-fearing woman. She is my country grandma. She lived a full life without all the modern conveniences. She had TV but only watched the news. She spent her time gardening and loving those around her. She may not have given you the shirt off her back but she gave you your choice of the ones in her closet. She taught me to sew, to bake, to make popcorn on the stove. No need for a microwave. She loved everyone she came in contact with and you couldn't help but to love her back. Now I am sitting with her, waiting until she takes her final breath and holding my own. The nurses say she has all the tell tell signs. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on her. The vibrant woman I knew is no longer there. I wonder what she is seeing. Does she see her husband or her daughter or her siblings? Can she see the heaven she has worked so hard to get in to? Can she hear me when I talk to her? When I tell her we will take care of her sons? When I tell her she now has to watch over us from her spiritual body? Does she know that I am grateful for every day I got to spend with her, even when she didn't know who I was? My father is having a very hard time. He is the baby. Her baby boy. He is proud to be that. He can't see her this way. A lifetime of love. A lifetime of troubles and joy. She didn't get to really see him doing his best. Her dementia was already present. I will do my best to be there for him as his daughter. I am hoping I can be there for him. I may not agree with him or his methods but he is my father. I can only imagine the pain he feels is the pain I will feel when he leaves this earth. My grandmother is the one person I believe who loves me with no strings attached. She didn't expect anything from me but love. She didn't do for me so I would do for her. She would have rather done it herself lol. I call her mama because that is what she has been in my life. I didn't always understand as a child. She baked our birthday cakes every year. They were not glamorous or fancy. They were special because she made them. So here I will sit for as long as I can. For as long as she needs. I will hold her hand. I will stroke her face. I will clean her mouth and be sure she is comfortable because she would do all of that for me. I only wish I had learned to appreciate her sooner so I could have told her when she could understand.
  11. Failed Plans

    Its after midnight. Less than 2 hours sleep since Sunday. I am running on fumes but I have to keep trying to move forward. I have to keep moving forward. I have to keep trying. I have to come up with a solution to this problem. Right now all I have is tunnel vision on the problem. All I can seeis how big this has gotten and I dont know where to start. The obvious is to take the first step but I am terrified and anxious. My heart races at the thought. How do I even begin? My thought is to say this is all their fault. They caused this. They made me this way. My next thought is to dismiss all that and take responsibility for me letting it get this way. But neitherof those really help either. So whats next? I know the cause. I dont know how to fix it. It's been longer than a year. I make plans. I try to prepare myself for what has to happen. I try to set a time limit. 1 hour. Is that going to be enough? It wont feel like enough. I will cry. I will rush the end because I know I am out of time. If I dont stick to the plan it will be hours. The anxiety will grow. Once its over I will rush the closing process. I will want to start over because I know it's not complete. It will never be complete. When it's over, I will crawl into bed and cry. The tears will be a release. Releasing the fear, the shame and relief of having completed it. Knowing there will need to be a next time sooner rather than lter. But the plan always fails. The shame becomes to great and I can take the first step. I start to see how I can change the plan. How do I get the same results but less invasive? I run all the options. Then I run out of time. I think on it so much that I am too tired to do anything. I feel like a failure. Tomorrow will be a repeat of today and the cycle begins. Internally I know I am not helping anything and there isnt much anyone else can do. So I try to conceal it. All the while knowing I am not succeeding. No one will say anything but the questions will show on their face. They dont understamd it. They cant comprehend the reasons why. They have all the wrong reasons. It is 1am. I dont think sleep will find me. Tomorrow is now today. Time to repeat the process.
  12. Thanks @Bluesclues.
  13. Its been awhile

    I havent given up on this but every time I tried to write I was full of shame. I couldnt allow it to be seen by anyone. I still cant. People say you shouldnt feel ashamed, Its not your fault, It happens to many people. I say I hear you but those words dont take the shame away. They somehow only increase the panic and anxiety. I have to breathe deeply to drive off the impending panic attack. I said it once before but I diminished the issue. Made it sound much better than it was...is. It is pretty bad. Bad enough that I cant really disguise the issue anymore. Bad enough that I notice the long stares. Bad enough that I dont want to leave the house some days. Ot has been a year. The longer it goes, the harder it gets. It is like watching a mess get bigger but now its too big to handle so you keep ignoring it. So I wite this to give myself a little peace this evening. To relieve the pressure.
  14. ........

    I havent been feeling much like writing lately. I am finding it hard to put any thoughts in the open and put words to my feelings. It is having the normal affect of driving into a depressive state and isolating myself further. Neither of which is very productive to trying to live a stable life. I made this hoping that the words would start again. Writing my thoughts and feelings are my strong point. Right now, I have nothing to say and am drained by it all.
  15. @GaleH I understand. It's more of a reminder. That I am safe even if I dont feel it. Not sure that feeling ever goes.