aperson

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About aperson

  • Birthday September 6

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  1. Out of Patience

    I am giving fair warning to everyone. I. Am. Out. Of. Patience. I have none. Dont try to fool me. My mouth is bad today. If I sad it offensively. You can be damn sure I meant that way. And yes I will repeat it as many times as you need. It wont be any prettier. Just leave me the hell alone.
  2. Thanks everyone. Hugs to all of you as well.
  3. She is gone.

    This morning, while we sat with our grandma, she took her last breath. I made one of the hardest calls I have made so far in life. I called my dad to tell him she was gone. But he knew before I could get the words out. At 0623, she left us. She went peacefully and without pain. Before he got there, I straightened her clothes and cleaned her face. I told her that we would all be ok. I know she is in heaven now one of my new guardian angels. When my dad came I stayed near by in case he needed me. He said his goodbye and said she is exactly where she wants to be now. He smiled. He thanked us for staying. We sat and held her hand until the funeral home came. I remember how warm she felt when I first checked for her pulse. I thought she would start breathing again. By the time they came, she was turning cold. There was no doubt that she wasnt there any more. So now the task begins. My brother is on the road as a truck driver and we are praying he makes it home in time. I am ok for now. The day of her services will be the hardest. It always is. That is when it really clicks that it is done. Earlier today, my sister and I had the same thought, lets go see gramdma later. Then we had the next thought of we cant. I made sure to get the blanket I crocheted for her. They cant find the other one.
  4. Missing her already

    Today is a sad sobering day. My grandmother is at the end of her days. I have known this day would come. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself. She had a great life. Even on her last 'aware' day she was smiling and laughing. Then she just stopped. She is a God-fearing woman. She is my country grandma. She lived a full life without all the modern conveniences. She had TV but only watched the news. She spent her time gardening and loving those around her. She may not have given you the shirt off her back but she gave you your choice of the ones in her closet. She taught me to sew, to bake, to make popcorn on the stove. No need for a microwave. She loved everyone she came in contact with and you couldn't help but to love her back. Now I am sitting with her, waiting until she takes her final breath and holding my own. The nurses say she has all the tell tell signs. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on her. The vibrant woman I knew is no longer there. I wonder what she is seeing. Does she see her husband or her daughter or her siblings? Can she see the heaven she has worked so hard to get in to? Can she hear me when I talk to her? When I tell her we will take care of her sons? When I tell her she now has to watch over us from her spiritual body? Does she know that I am grateful for every day I got to spend with her, even when she didn't know who I was? My father is having a very hard time. He is the baby. Her baby boy. He is proud to be that. He can't see her this way. A lifetime of love. A lifetime of troubles and joy. She didn't get to really see him doing his best. Her dementia was already present. I will do my best to be there for him as his daughter. I am hoping I can be there for him. I may not agree with him or his methods but he is my father. I can only imagine the pain he feels is the pain I will feel when he leaves this earth. My grandmother is the one person I believe who loves me with no strings attached. She didn't expect anything from me but love. She didn't do for me so I would do for her. She would have rather done it herself lol. I call her mama because that is what she has been in my life. I didn't always understand as a child. She baked our birthday cakes every year. They were not glamorous or fancy. They were special because she made them. So here I will sit for as long as I can. For as long as she needs. I will hold her hand. I will stroke her face. I will clean her mouth and be sure she is comfortable because she would do all of that for me. I only wish I had learned to appreciate her sooner so I could have told her when she could understand.
  5. Failed Plans

    Its after midnight. Less than 2 hours sleep since Sunday. I am running on fumes but I have to keep trying to move forward. I have to keep moving forward. I have to keep trying. I have to come up with a solution to this problem. Right now all I have is tunnel vision on the problem. All I can seeis how big this has gotten and I dont know where to start. The obvious is to take the first step but I am terrified and anxious. My heart races at the thought. How do I even begin? My thought is to say this is all their fault. They caused this. They made me this way. My next thought is to dismiss all that and take responsibility for me letting it get this way. But neitherof those really help either. So whats next? I know the cause. I dont know how to fix it. It's been longer than a year. I make plans. I try to prepare myself for what has to happen. I try to set a time limit. 1 hour. Is that going to be enough? It wont feel like enough. I will cry. I will rush the end because I know I am out of time. If I dont stick to the plan it will be hours. The anxiety will grow. Once its over I will rush the closing process. I will want to start over because I know it's not complete. It will never be complete. When it's over, I will crawl into bed and cry. The tears will be a release. Releasing the fear, the shame and relief of having completed it. Knowing there will need to be a next time sooner rather than lter. But the plan always fails. The shame becomes to great and I can take the first step. I start to see how I can change the plan. How do I get the same results but less invasive? I run all the options. Then I run out of time. I think on it so much that I am too tired to do anything. I feel like a failure. Tomorrow will be a repeat of today and the cycle begins. Internally I know I am not helping anything and there isnt much anyone else can do. So I try to conceal it. All the while knowing I am not succeeding. No one will say anything but the questions will show on their face. They dont understamd it. They cant comprehend the reasons why. They have all the wrong reasons. It is 1am. I dont think sleep will find me. Tomorrow is now today. Time to repeat the process.
  6. Thanks @Bluesclues.
  7. Its been awhile

    I havent given up on this but every time I tried to write I was full of shame. I couldnt allow it to be seen by anyone. I still cant. People say you shouldnt feel ashamed, Its not your fault, It happens to many people. I say I hear you but those words dont take the shame away. They somehow only increase the panic and anxiety. I have to breathe deeply to drive off the impending panic attack. I said it once before but I diminished the issue. Made it sound much better than it was...is. It is pretty bad. Bad enough that I cant really disguise the issue anymore. Bad enough that I notice the long stares. Bad enough that I dont want to leave the house some days. Ot has been a year. The longer it goes, the harder it gets. It is like watching a mess get bigger but now its too big to handle so you keep ignoring it. So I wite this to give myself a little peace this evening. To relieve the pressure.
  8. ........

    I havent been feeling much like writing lately. I am finding it hard to put any thoughts in the open and put words to my feelings. It is having the normal affect of driving into a depressive state and isolating myself further. Neither of which is very productive to trying to live a stable life. I made this hoping that the words would start again. Writing my thoughts and feelings are my strong point. Right now, I have nothing to say and am drained by it all.
  9. @GaleH I understand. It's more of a reminder. That I am safe even if I dont feel it. Not sure that feeling ever goes.
  10. @Bluesclues The name thing is becoming a game of Guess Who lol. I am glad to bring a bit of laughter to you today.
  11. Something Positive

    So let's try something positive today. Something that requires no analysis. I hope lol Yayyy for 5 hrs of sleep all at once. I am the master of sleep now lol I found out that my trainer loves to scare the new hires by telling them I am mean. He corrects it later. And I thought it was my RBF (Resting B#$%h Face) I binge watched all the Star Trek Next Generation and Star Trek Voyager. Definitely not a trekkie but these 2 series I have always liked. I am safe. I forgot no ones name today. My co-workers know this is a major accomplishment. I usually call every name until I get the right one. Me - 1 Brain - 2435 😁 I had didnt cuss anyone out. Another great accomplishment. (Good Lord! This is quite difficult) I made someone laugh. They were having a crappy day. I kicked my boss out of her office haha. She hates it. I want to be here. I like the bond I have with the people at my job. They drive me nuts but I can laugh while they do it. My niece (8 yrs old) told her mom that even if her future husband doesnt like that she is picky, he will still love her. She is definitely going to need a patient man smh. Even though it was hot as hell, the wind made it tolerable. Please bring some rain soon. 6 months and I will be at the ocean for a weekend. It's not much but I cant wait to put my feet in the ocean again. My mom has not seen the inside of a hospital for over a year. That first 2 years after her body stopped producing insulin was rough. She has a good handle on it now. Alright, that's enough. This required waaaay more thought than I imagined. Let's see if I can get another 5 hrs of sleep tonight.
  12. @patriciag Thank you. I can understand that. A difficult thing for me is to place such blame on them. While I know I shouldnt, I blame myself for it. From the first time until the last. While I would like to think I will one day transfer it to them, I dont believe it will. So in order to progress, I must forgive myself.
  13. Need to regroup

    I have done a pretty poor job of making daily entries. Some days have been more difficult than I planned on. Some thoughts have been a lot harder to put in a private public forum. Finding words to express the inner chaos has been trying to say the least. The current theme has been sadness and shame. Sadness is a common daily theme. It never goes away. Planning for a future while trying to come to terms with a past makes a lot of mistakes and errors. Why? The future sometimes is hard to see. Some days future is getting to the next hour. It is hard trying to mask feelings all day and being overwhelmed with them at night. Waking to start over again. Shame. No matter how much I think or someone says I should feel no shame I still do. I get much of it is due to me looking at it from what I know now not then. If I was talking to someone else, I could lay out all the reasons to support what I am saying. For me, there are 'special' rules. I hold myself to a higher standard. It may not be logical to some but it makes sense to me. Most times. There is the physical 'scar' that I see daily. It is one I thought I had begun to heal but that was an illusion. I realize that it has always been an issue. One I can temporarily handle but will always haunt me. How many others see it? I wonder if they will confront me on it? If they do, what will I do? Run. Cry. Hide. I am in need of some 'me' time. Time to myself where I can let the emotions surface without fear of being caught and having to explain. Time to organize my mind. Time to refocus and try to gain some positive feelings back. Wish me luck.
  14. It's gonna be ok...

    That's what I need to know, to believe. That's the comfort I need to feel. To be safe and held in caring arms. To have, just for a few moments, the worries in my head to melt away. Or at least not matter for a minute. Deep inside I long for this. But a greater fear wont allow that to happen. Amazing how fear can override the deepest of desires. For now, I leave this here, hoping the admission soothes me. I should be asleep but I cant. Another hour and I may as well go to work a few hours early. Find something productive to do.
  15. Dear Little One

    Dear Little One, I know you are afraid and confused. I want you to know that is ok. You have some memories that you dont understand. They are very hard to understand for someone so young. Some people hurt you. You were too young to know how to handle it. You are not to blame. When your daddy was acting strange, it was not him. It was the drugs. Because they always taught you to be strong and protect your sister and brother, you did what you had to. You hid them so they were safe. You called for help even if it didnt come quickly. He left you all alone and hungry. When you thought he would be violent you got the 3 of you to safety and just in time. When help came it was hours later. He had come back home and still high. He didnt care about your safety. You didnt cry but it was ok if you did. It is ok if you do now. You were terrified and not protected. You were left to deal with a very grownup problem. You did well. You are safe now. Those other memories are a bit more tricky. I know you see them and you dont understand what they are doing to you. You just know that feels wrong. You thought it would stop but it didnt. It just stopped with him. Others took his place. They did more things the older you got and the more your body develop. Each of them took something from you. You still knew it felt wrong. By now, you thought it was normal. You thought everyone did this but no one talked about it. So you didnt fight it. You did try to avoid it. You shyed away from people especially them. If no one ever told you listen to me. It is not your fault. You are not to blame for what they did to you. You are not to blame for the number of times it happened or number of people. You are not to blame for not fighting. I know this is hard to accept. You do not have to feel guilty or angry because you could have done it differently. You did the best you could. How could anyone expect someone so young to handle what you went through? Would you blame anyone else? I am sorry that you have felt so alone for so long. I am sorry even I placed such adult expectations on you. Forgive me for my actions. Forgive yourself for the blame. Forgive them because they were ill and needed help. Forgive yourself for what happened with your brother. Know that I am here. I committ myself to taking care of you. To hold you when you are scared or feel alone. To provide strength when you feel weak. This is the letter I would have wanted to get from the trapped youngest version of myself. It is hard for me to believe but should be said. The youngest part of me cries from these words but is cautious. One day she may understand and believe it. Now how do I comfort the teenage me? She is less forgiving of herself and others.