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  1. I blocked him years ago. So why is he on a new page trying again? We havent talked or seen each other in over 10 years. Nothing has changed. I dont want to see him in person or virtually!! I dont ask about him and I will never ask about him!! The only thoughts I have about him are about what he did to me. Family or not, I dont need or want him in life! Stay in the shadows you sick m*****f*****!!! I am blocking your a** again! Leave me alone! I hate the fact that we are even related and I am close to one of your sisters and her kids and grandkids. I wish I could erase your presence from my life
  2. So I have been trying to write this for a few days now. I dont know if it is fully shame or shame and embarrassment but I dont get to far. It starts off as a rambling mess of excuses and apologies to anyone who may read it. And here I am again going down that path. Maybe I should just start somewhere. I have struggled a long time regarding consent and non-consent in my past. While I understand the very young me couldnt provide either the older me could. The problem is I didnt. I have never verbally said No, Stop. For a long time I understood that to mean consent. It meant that I wanted i
  3. aperson


    Asking for help is so freaking hard. I mean the little things are easy. Can you help me move this table? Can you open this jar? But the big things...whew. Can you help me understand why this happened to me? Can you help me express myself feelings in less harmful ways? Even at work I find asking for help at certain levels is difficult. Again, the small tasks are no sweat. But if I feel like the expectation is I should be able to do it then the asking for help is harder. This isnt something new. It has always been like this. I have found at times that I could to a degree. Like I am having a
  4. aperson

    7am thoughts

    So I stopped writing because I felt I wasnt writing anything new. Just repeating the same old same old. The problem is my mind didnt stop thinking the same old stuff. It still thinks and functions like the thought is new. I am losing at this battle. I have turned further inward. I am cutting people out. I am losing trust and faith and hope. I didnt have a lot of any to start with so losing a drop of any is something I cant afford. I cant/wont speak/write about it. I just want to cry them away. Cry out what I cant put into words. Cry for those things I blame myself for. Cry out of frustrat
  5. What does healing look like for me? I ask myself this question often and the answer is pretty much the same. I just want to be content. Happiness seems like a goal of perfection. I want it but I know it isnt really possible. So I settle for what is possible. I dont think that is asking too much. Like I just want to be sure that I learn and grow from the past. What does healing look like? It means I sleep like a normal person. Bed at a decent hour and up at a decent hour. Most importantly, I stay sleep. I actually get rest. Rest that isnt either deeply troubled by dreams or interrupted 3 h
  6. I really just want to be a good person. Be a good sister, daughter, aunt friend and worker. I just want to help others. But you cant do that when you need help yourself. But that's what I want. I want to be normal with feelings. I want to be able to relate to others in a genuine way. That's what they took. My ability to be any of those things. My belief that I will ever be any of those thing. Nothing will ever be the same. Even after all these years, I am still grieve the loss of the future that I wanted and never got. And I am afraid that a positive new future can never be. I am afraid t
  7. aperson

    Close to the edge

    Thank yoy @Viceless. I dont have many other words but I appreciate your words of support.
  8. aperson


    I am broken. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with that fact. Being broken and trying to grow is pointless. I cant grow because I will always be broken. I cant move on because I am broken. I dont like these feelings. I dont want these feelings. I am sorry that I have these feelings and cant move past them. I am sorry that I learned to protect myself too late. I am sorry I am not brave. I am sorry I brought shame to myself and my family. I am sorry that I allow this to affect people I care about. I am sorry I cant live up to the expectations that others want for me. I am sorry I am no
  9. I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point and there is no one I can turn to. I am being swallowed by the pain. There are storms building up inside and they will merge into one soon. I just dont know that I can stop what is coming. This pain is so unbearable. Living with the hurt and shame is unbearable. I just want to not feel this bad so much. I want to stop remembering and feeling. They haunt me. They taunt me by living life like I didnt exist. Enjoying their days and building more relationships. I sit and try not to feel them touching me. I feel the shame. I know everyone els
  10. You know, I started this journey because I needed to make an effort to deal with my past. But I am no better off than when I started 11 years ago. I thought I would eventually be able to say the words. That I would learn the skills to deal with this in a healthy manner. But I fear I am in the same position. I am still holding on to it and holding back from others. Just when I believe I am making progress, something happens and I realize I am not. I still push away everyone. I stop calling. I stop texting. I stop trying to be a part of the conversation. Sometimes there is something that I
  11. aperson

    Lost and Confused

    Thank you @Enigma87 and @Viceless. I have a difficult time accepting compliments but I appreciate that you understand what sounded like silly ramblings. I know in my head that I am not alone and these feelings are true for most people. If I keep repeating it and see enough of others who are feeling the same, one day I will believe it. And maybe that will be the true first step in finding a way to heal.
  12. A bit of honesty? A bit of truth? The fact is I am terribly lost in this huge world. I am surrounded by people but still totally lost. I keep trying to follow the rules but the rules keep changing. I keep trying to make a path to a happy life. There are all these...detours. And they can bring so much pain and hurt. They change the the path you were on. I want so bad to be free from this 'thing' that happened. Some days it doesnt even feel like it happened to me. Like that isnt possible to happen to me. Then there are those times when I cant escape that it happened to me. I cant escap
  13. My 11 yr old niece is taking a master class in this I believe. Example, I am person who is allergic to bug bites. I have been my entire life. When most people get a bug bite, it is a nuisance. They itch a while and move on. Bugs seem to be attracted to me though. They bite and invite their friends and I itch for weeks and blister. This means that I end up with horrible scars at times. I currently have terrible scarring on my ankles from flea bites over 2 years ago. They itch daily. My ankles are discolored from it. Tonight before going to bed, my niece saw them. She is terribly bothered by the
  14. aperson

    No Title

    So 1 night of 6 straight hours of sleep is all I get? Weeks of of getting 2-3 hours a day and 1 night is all I get. This is bordering on crazy. I am falling asleep on my lunch at work. Today I fell asleep on a conference call. It was less than 10 mins but it doesnt look good. I have been trying to be less focused on the negative. I hoped this would free my mind to relax. I am not trying to avoid anything just lessen the control the negative mindset has over me. Acknowledging I am not doing the best but accepting that and saying this is what I can do to feel a bit better. Writing is n
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