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aperson

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About aperson

  • Birthday September 6

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    Female

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    Survivor

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  1. What does healing look like for me? I ask myself this question often and the answer is pretty much the same. I just want to be content. Happiness seems like a goal of perfection. I want it but I know it isnt really possible. So I settle for what is possible. I dont think that is asking too much. Like I just want to be sure that I learn and grow from the past. What does healing look like? It means I sleep like a normal person. Bed at a decent hour and up at a decent hour. Most importantly, I stay sleep. I actually get rest. Rest that isnt either deeply troubled by dreams or interrupted 3 hrs in. It would mean that I am not constantly fighting sadness and depression. Hell, bordering suicidal at times. The hurt from the past gets its chance to be fully felt and it doesnt hurt as much. The physical hurt from the act cant be felt anymore. I no longer feel the act. What does healing look like for me? I like myself. I know who I am and want I want and I am ok with it. I am ok which makes mostly everyone else ok too. I dont feel disgusted by what I see. I am not ashamed by who I presemt to the world. The world sees me with no filter or masks. I forgive me. Forgive myself for being too young to understand. Too young to know the right thing. Forgive myself for being scared to do the right thing when asked. Forgiving myself for blaming me for not being able to speak. That my mind and body couldnt move past the shame to speak my truth. I forgive them. First, I gotta blame them but then forgive them. Accept that I will never know why they did it and forgive them anyway. Whew...I think writing these down and seeing what I want is hard and it's not all. That's hard to see the broken parts. There's a lot and it all feels impossible. It feels like playing the lottery. You play knowing you will never win but if you do the rewards are immeasurable.
  2. I really just want to be a good person. Be a good sister, daughter, aunt friend and worker. I just want to help others. But you cant do that when you need help yourself. But that's what I want. I want to be normal with feelings. I want to be able to relate to others in a genuine way. That's what they took. My ability to be any of those things. My belief that I will ever be any of those thing. Nothing will ever be the same. Even after all these years, I am still grieve the loss of the future that I wanted and never got. And I am afraid that a positive new future can never be. I am afraid to let it all out because I dont think I can stop if I start.
  3. aperson

    Close to the edge

    Thank yoy @Viceless. I dont have many other words but I appreciate your words of support.
  4. aperson

    Sorry

    I am broken. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with that fact. Being broken and trying to grow is pointless. I cant grow because I will always be broken. I cant move on because I am broken. I dont like these feelings. I dont want these feelings. I am sorry that I have these feelings and cant move past them. I am sorry that I learned to protect myself too late. I am sorry I am not brave. I am sorry I brought shame to myself and my family. I am sorry that I allow this to affect people I care about. I am sorry I cant live up to the expectations that others want for me. I am sorry I am not strong enough to handle all of this. I am sorry that I allowed people to come in my life who meant me nothing good. I am sorry I broke someone else in ways they probably dont even know. I am sorry that it ever happened. I am sorry that I dont know how to express the hurt well. I am sorry I cant forget it. I am sorry that I feel more at fault than a victim or survivor. I am sorry I am not good enough. I am sorry that I cant handle good self-care. I am sorry I am not strong enough to protect others. I am sorry for everything.
  5. I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point and there is no one I can turn to. I am being swallowed by the pain. There are storms building up inside and they will merge into one soon. I just dont know that I can stop what is coming. This pain is so unbearable. Living with the hurt and shame is unbearable. I just want to not feel this bad so much. I want to stop remembering and feeling. They haunt me. They taunt me by living life like I didnt exist. Enjoying their days and building more relationships. I sit and try not to feel them touching me. I feel the shame. I know everyone else sees it too. I need to visit the river. To sit by it and listen to it rush by.
  6. You know, I started this journey because I needed to make an effort to deal with my past. But I am no better off than when I started 11 years ago. I thought I would eventually be able to say the words. That I would learn the skills to deal with this in a healthy manner. But I fear I am in the same position. I am still holding on to it and holding back from others. Just when I believe I am making progress, something happens and I realize I am not. I still push away everyone. I stop calling. I stop texting. I stop trying to be a part of the conversation. Sometimes there is something that I believe justifies it. Sometimes I justify it as necessary. There is no way I will be that vulnerable again. Itxs not fair to those I push away. They are clueless to the reason. Hell, they may even be happy to not have to try so hard too. At the end of the day, I am still in the same spot as I was, holding on and holding back. I am trapped. Trapped in my mind and my past. Both are breeding negativity. Both are a prison that I built but I also hold the keys. I just want to be able to look back and say I forgive me and them. I just want to say 'this is how it made me feel' instead of 'this is how it makes me feel'. It feels like every day it happens again. Every day still feels like the first time. Every day brings the same hurt and pain. Every day it be comes harder to take care of myself. And everywhere I turn, there are reminders. Reminders that these things still happen. There are still people who exert their power. There are still people who take away things they have no right to. They take away things that dont belong to them. Once they take it, you may never get it back. I miss having innocence. I wish I knew what trusting someone felt like. I am working on understanding love. I want to know what it feels like to give it and receive it. I want to know the path I could have taken if they hadnt come along and changed it. And it's a dangerous path looking at what could have been. It's also hard not to. So 11 years and here I am. Friends gained and lost. Steps forward to go all the way back. Feeling just as sad as I did when I started. Feeling just as hopeless as before. The main goal now is to not get committed to a hospital. I dont think I could fake my way through it. There are others that count on me for support they need.
  7. aperson

    Lost and Confused

    Thank you @Enigma87 and @Viceless. I have a difficult time accepting compliments but I appreciate that you understand what sounded like silly ramblings. I know in my head that I am not alone and these feelings are true for most people. If I keep repeating it and see enough of others who are feeling the same, one day I will believe it. And maybe that will be the true first step in finding a way to heal.
  8. A bit of honesty? A bit of truth? The fact is I am terribly lost in this huge world. I am surrounded by people but still totally lost. I keep trying to follow the rules but the rules keep changing. I keep trying to make a path to a happy life. There are all these...detours. And they can bring so much pain and hurt. They change the the path you were on. I want so bad to be free from this 'thing' that happened. Some days it doesnt even feel like it happened to me. Like that isnt possible to happen to me. Then there are those times when I cant escape that it happened to me. I cant escape the emptiness it created. I cant escape the shame. I cant escape the fear. I wish I could even speak the 'thing' but I cant. Not for myself at least. How do you put words to a thing you werent even old enough to understand? How do you explain the need to be even more invisible? Undesirable? How do you put that into words for someone who hasnt experienced the 'thing'? So to avoid the 'thing' you do everything you can. You run. You hide. You ignore the 'thing' and anyone associated with it. You add an invisible shelter around yourself. Never letting anyone too close. Never being too open. Always keeping the most scared part of yourself sacred. You know that this is wrong but how else do you keep living in this life if you dont. Because when you look out at the world behind your invisible wall you see nothing good. You see danger. You see hate. You fear everything and everyone. I can tell you what happened but do you really understand what that means? What that does to a person? Do you know that moving forward is hard? It's even harder when you feel unsupported, unwanted and unloved. It doesnt matter if you helped contribute to some of it. You cant always see that. All you can see is that you are alone in this. You are the only one who can feel the unspoken. There are days you can 'forget'. You can move through the world. There are times where you must wear the mask. You havent forgotten but you push through the day until the end so you can take off the mask. Then there are the rest. The days you cant even pretend anymore. Yo sit and watch the world moving on and wondering how they can. How do they no see the danger? Why are they not hiding and trying to be as invisible as you? You head hurts from all the chaos. The chaos in your mind and the chaos in the world. The more I try to make sense of it the more chaotic things become. You try to fix one thing and 6 more come up. And fixing those you realize you never fixed the first one so you must start all over. Now you dont know where to begin. It's all so hard. It's all so draining. I keep thinking now may be a good time to try therapy again. But what does that look like during a pandemic? Virtual sessions? No, I cant. The pandemic is an excuse. I probably wouldnt go anyway. And if I went once, I would never go back. I cant even discuss with the people I am closest to how do I tell a stranger? I cant admit it to myself even. I really dont know what else to do at this point. Like I am at a complete loss. I cant move past it. I cant do what is needed to begin the process to move past it and that hurts. That maybe one of the more painful things. It means I am stuck this way forever. Stuck in misery and fear. Stuck in a past that blocks any future. Stuck alone. That's what I have to learn to accept. The living with lonliness and fear in a world that many times I dont want to be a part of. I havent taken one of my drives. The ones that allow me to think uninterrupted by home. I think given my current mindset, it may be less productive. What do I want? For someone to see the unspoken. For someone to be able to comfort those unspoken words. I dont think that is possible though. I guess I feel like the answer that will be given is no one can comfort me but me and I just dont know how to do that. So the sleepless nights will continue. The pushing away will continue. The silence will continue. The misery will continue. Will it continue because I want it to or because it just cant be comforted. People say there is no one beyond help although everyone feels like they are. I am not sure I fully believe them. It feels like I am an exception to the rule. I am the square trying its best to fit in a circle. Trying to shave the corners so she can fit in with the rest of the world. Trying to pave a way from a past that I just am walking in circles.
  9. My 11 yr old niece is taking a master class in this I believe. Example, I am person who is allergic to bug bites. I have been my entire life. When most people get a bug bite, it is a nuisance. They itch a while and move on. Bugs seem to be attracted to me though. They bite and invite their friends and I itch for weeks and blister. This means that I end up with horrible scars at times. I currently have terrible scarring on my ankles from flea bites over 2 years ago. They itch daily. My ankles are discolored from it. Tonight before going to bed, my niece saw them. She is terribly bothered by them. She covered them in order to avoid seeing or touching them. I removed the cover because I was hot which is why they werent already covered. I am extremely self-conscious abouth them. Anyway, she puts the cover back and says yuck. Another example, I am overweight. I know this. I have always been heavier than most. She proceeds to tell me that if I lose weight, I may finally get a boyfriend and have kids. This is a weekly thing for her and I seem to be on the receiving end 80% of the time. I try to explain to her how sometimes this can be hurtful. Even giving examples of how someone could say things about her and hurt her feelings. That has little affect. I have tried telling her how these things hurt me. No change. So tonight, I am fighting back tears that a child has triggered my insecurities once again. She sees no issue because to her, if she has something to say she should just say it. I am trying not to resort to hurting the self-esteem she has. And I must say, she has confidence I couldnt imagine. No one knows where she got it but she was born with it. While I love this kid to death and would do just about anything for her, right now, I wish she was someone else's kid. Or at least I didnt live with her. Right now, I wish I could be petty enough to break her spirit like she does mine.
  10. aperson

    No Title

    So 1 night of 6 straight hours of sleep is all I get? Weeks of of getting 2-3 hours a day and 1 night is all I get. This is bordering on crazy. I am falling asleep on my lunch at work. Today I fell asleep on a conference call. It was less than 10 mins but it doesnt look good. I have been trying to be less focused on the negative. I hoped this would free my mind to relax. I am not trying to avoid anything just lessen the control the negative mindset has over me. Acknowledging I am not doing the best but accepting that and saying this is what I can do to feel a bit better. Writing is not coming as easily as I thought it would. Dont get me wrong, the process of feeling like I am in conversation is helpful in the sense that I am not having the conversation in my head. That tends to keep me in a cycle of negative thinking. Plus I get to write and try to organize the chaos. On a good day, I can put clear words to feelings and doing that feels good. Right now, itxs a much harder process. It feels like there is this new feeling that the world has never seen. It needs a name and description and neither are possible. The thing is I know it's not a new feeling. I just lack the capacity to put it in words to label it. No label, it keeps lingering. Or maybe I just need to stop acting as if certain things dont bother me when they do.
  11. aperson

    What you cant see

    Thank you. Sitting is definitely welcomed. 💜 Thank you.
  12. Some days the intangible losses hurt worse than the physical act. Those things people cant see but you still feel. Those things that you usually ignore because the physical is easier to explain. Yeah, those losses cant be measured so easily. And they are harder to explain to others. I just want to get back what I lost.
  13. I keep trying to write something but none of it feels right. If feels forced. It feels required. It feels censored. Today I dont want to feel any of those things. Just know, I am not OK. I am not fine. I am not managing. I am hanging on by a thin thread most days. Stretched well beyond what I thought possible.I reached out and then pulled back. Why? Who knows. Because that is what I do. Because the help didnt feel like help.
  14. Thank you. I hope that one day one does as well.
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