aperson

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About aperson

  • Birthday September 6

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  1. Day ???? (I lost count)

    My sister and I took my niece to the zoo. She hasnt been in a few years. I want her to have a nice of possible. The weather was nice. Warm enough to stay out but cool enough to be tolerable. She had a great time. She loves most animals and learning. It was a good temporary distraction from my troubled thoughts. Will have to figure out the next weekend plan. Water pad? Park? Movie? I am preparing mentally for tomorrow. Not sure I can pull off what I need but I have to try. Maybe starting my shift earlier will help. For the rest of the night I think it will be Netflix & crochet, if my back holds up. 3 hours of walking has it all in knots.
  2. @tuliptorn Thanks
  3. @Bluesclues Yes it will but it is necessary. Thanks.
  4. Is it me?

    I think I need to reduce my interactions with people. Maintain minimal contact as required. The problem isnt the world. The problem is me. My negative outlook. My resistance to change. My lack of social skills. The problem is I project it in my face and body and everyone seems to react to it. Continuing to force a situation is just adding further to the problem. Even when I am trying not to cause an issie, it is met with defensiveness. While I hoped that I had improved over the last 20+ years, tje fact is I have not. The people I work with think I am mean. The people I work for think I am incompetent. 'Friends' find me difficult and distant. Family thinks I am an a$$hole. Putting an effort to change these things and keep the hurt inside is not working. So maybe I am just this person. My head says this is a dumb idea. My heart says it must be done. It is the only way to resolve impending conflicts and prevent future issues. It will be hard in some situations but maybe it will provide me some time to fix myself. I am sure most people will be grateful for the change. I will have to think if I need to step down from my job.
  5. Just gotta hang in there

    This has been a very trying week. My mind has been spinning a thousand thoughts a minute. I am stressed and sleep deprived. Since Sunday, I have gotten 6 hours of sleep. Emotionally, I am on the edge. I lost the ability to control them when one of my managers insinuated that we were no being proactive enough to deal with an ongoing issue. An issue where our hands a pretty well tied. An issue where the people I supervise are tired and worn out. They are in some cases overworked and underpaid and not feeling valued. I get it. I have been there. The manager pushed the right button after 30 mins. I expressed my opinion and the tears rolled. He came to apologize later but the damage was done in my eyes. It was not his questioning but the lack of control I had. I knew I was at my limit.I should have left when the thought first crossed my mind. But I didnt. The rest was inevitable. He did call my manager to say what happened. She was pissed. She told me when I came in today she just knew I was quitting. I told herit was ok and he really said nothing terrible. I also told her she should know me better. I would necer abandon my job that way. I ask my agents to place their emotions and issues to the side to accomplish a task because thats life. I have never asked them to do something I would. I work long 50 a week and am there every day fighting the battles in my head. I care about what I do and the progress that can be seen from it. I want the same from them. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I am stressed. But this is life. I have sh!t to deal with and fight a battle with myself daily. I question my ability. I wrestle with making a decision that could be career ending. I try to be impartial even to those I wouldnt deal with personally. I try to be nice when I just want a corner to hide in. But they would never know. They wouldnt know the days I didnt eat so my niece and nephew could. They dont know that I was wondering how we would pay a bill or get gas for work. That mh sisters ex pulled a gun on her. Or that we had to call police for a physical altercation. That I stayed up all night with a sick niece. That inside I was dying. So it is safe to say I am struggling to maintain. I have avoided many interactions to keep the peace. I closed my ears to the negativity and complaining because they dont see they are not the only ones. I turned some music hoping the thoughts would get distracted and dance or sing along. I struggle to truly be open because the world can see. I struggle to put the emotions out there because I will be weak. Because who else is lurking in the shadows to use it against me. I feel like Elsa in Frozen. Conceal, dont feel.
  6. Mondays suck

    Mondays suck. May sucks. 2017 sucks. Tuesday has to be better. That's all I got today.
  7. Mother's Day

    Mother's Day has almost ended in the US. I am glad to see it go. While my mama and I have our issues, this isnt my problem with the day. Because I am involved in the lives of my nieces, nephews and some cousins people assume that I appreciate being wished a Happy Mother's Day. Why in the world would I appreciate that? I am not their parent. Their parents are alive and well. I assume the role I should take. I am an aunt but they rely on their mother. I am a cousin but the day to day work belongs to their parents. Why would I want to take anything away from them? Yes, I discipline as required but that is my role as the elder, right? Yes, I do what I can so they dont go without. But again that is part if being family. It doesnt warm my heart to be honored on this day. It actually pisses me off if someone does because I had always hoped to be a parent. Trying to give me something I have not earned is quite annoying. Arguing with me about why I dont want to be honored this way is even worse. Just respect me and keep it pushing. Now, when is Aunt and Cousin's Day?
  8. Day 5...end of a long work week

    This has beena trying work week. Honestly its been a trying year. Every day is a new challenge and then there are those that never go away. 30 people who require managing, discipling and ecouragement. The encouragement was and is a hard one for me. It doesnt fit my task based personality. There is one who is especially challenging. She is an emotinal lady. She lacks confidence, self-esteem and is emotional to a high degree. She used to come in my office once a week and break down in tears ecauseshe felt she was a failure. She still threatens to quit or wants me to fire her regularly. For me it was a strain to try and find different ways to build her confidence and reassure her she is not beyond help. She is touchy feely. Likes hugs and touching people when she talks. Lol I have even told my manager that if she does it once more I was no longer dealing with her. But each day I started over for myself. Trying to se where I can improve and breakthrough. She requires so much of my energy. But I wont quit. Its not in me. Then there are the people who dont want to come to work. Jepodizimg our contract and all of our jobs. There are thse who feel they are entitles. That their work is more valuable than any of the others. And then there are those that try me. Who dont realize I love a good word play and will.set you in a trap. I am a smart ass, sarvastic and petty. I know how to curse someone out without a single curse word. I can be blunt when pushed too far. And anger, whoo. I have held on to so much that when it gets realeased it overflows. I have behaved but have come close. I have told my boss every time. No reason for her to be blindsided. Aside from those are the pulls from internal co-workers. The demand for answers to under performance, improving performance and finding new methods. Having to answer forfailures that are mine but arent mine. Coming up with solitions that dont damage us further. Dealimg with them is a challenge by itself. And the company that we have a contract with. Nitpicking at the smallest item even though we are well within acceptable ranges. Their employees who are a demanding group of people. Each one believing they are more important than the other. Complaining if 1 thing doesnt go their way because how can no one cater to their needs at will. A bunch of entitled and arrogant assholes. And interviewing new people is the worst. They are not prepared, dressed poorly for an interview or so damn arrogant that they cant see they turned me off when they walked in. Nothing worse than someone with no experience trying to fake an answer to a question. Well maybe the one with too much experience trying to prove they are better than you and want you to know it. Some days, most days lol, I ask why did I do this. I knew this is what it would be like. A bunch of whining adults who need a babysoitter who is underpaid for the work being done. Then I remembered my interview 6 years ago when I applied as a call taker. They asked why me. I was like why not lol. But the real answer was I need growth and a challenge. I need to learn and know I can move to morethan a call taker. Boy did I get what I asked for. 6 years and 3 position changes. I have soughtout opportunities to show my worth. I looked at each challenge and said, dont fail. If I did, I made sure to not make that mistake again. I recieved positive feedback and encouragement that I did well. I had people who saw beyond te quiet girl in the back and realized there was a force that wouldnt give up. I found the place that not only challenged my knowledge but now challenges my growth as a person. This was beyond my wildest dreams. There are many who are much smarter than I. I had spent much of my time trying to keep up with them. Truthfully I was only competing with myself. Proving to me that I was worthy. My past created such low self-esteem that I never felt good enough even when I was at my best. The incidents caused me to block my emotio s so that I could only focus on the problem and a solution. Emotions were an obstacle, a road block. The way to handle it was to remove the obstacle. Remove the emotions and handle the task at hand. I know this is false but it was required at the time. I am a hopeless work-aholic. I dream about work lol. I wake and check my emails before I set 1 foot out of bed. I get there and stay for 9-10 hours. Ther are days that I have not slept because I was wprking and lost track of time. My account team thinks I am a vampire and require no sleep lol. Maybe writing this will allow me to enjoy my weekend a little. Well at least until Sunday. 😊
  9. Day 2....

    Today was a bit rough. Monday is the busiest day of the work week for me and this Monday was no different. Much of my morning was spent babysitting adults to do their job and stop wasting time. The say I am intimidating because I have a poker face. i show little emotion, good or bad. They never know what to expect from me so they are always on alert. I on the other hand am trying to find the most gentle voice and non-threatening words to address performance issues. Somehow, there is always one person that needs to challenge me that day. on a good day, they get an apology. On a bad day they get cussed out without using a single cuss word in my 'mama tone'. Maybe I need to work a little harder on that. The rest is spent trying to explain how my group may have to pay a penalty for not meeting our goal even though we are busier than we should be this time of year. I am ready to skip May and move to June. Tomorrow will be a smaller version of today with added interviews for open positions to be filled. I ask myself daily why in the world did I apply for this position? I could have stayed in my comfort zone and succeeded. Oh, I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it even though everybody else believed I could. Not sure which one of us is eating crow. Either way it is a heaping plate full for sure. After work, I got so caught up in talking, I accidentally burned my niece. That one hurt me. It is 6 hours later and she still doesnt quite trust me or believe it was an accident. That makes it sting just a little bit more. The burn is small and does not require doctor's care but I am being extra careful with her. She could probably ask me for a million dollars right now and I would give it to her. I can just hear her telling her teacher now. My sister would probably kill me if the school sends DHS to our house. As for the mental state, that is so-so. It has been one of those days where I just dont feel right. I am sure that there is a cause. Have been watching shows with 'accidental' triggers. There is a trigger I am trying to ignore because I am not prepared to put to paper yet. It is sensitive for me and will likely lead down a dark road that I am just not wanting to go down. One day, it will hit me I am sure. It just cannot be today. Stuffing things as usual. I am fairly decent at it. I can pile on a lot of things before the damn breaks. LOL It will be the littlest thing that sets me off. Someone will call my name and I just wont like the way they same it. Completely harmless for them but like fire to me. Maybe this will help with that as well. Letting me release even the small things daily so they do not build and fester inside of me. Then no major sh!t storms on unsuspecting people. No need to release what others call my 3rd personality. The evil b!&^h. This is my anger and hate-filled side that no one seems to want to see. I have done well in keeping that part under wraps and well maintained. Well....on to Tuesday and the joy it will bring. Here is to going to sleep before 3am.
  10. Am I Enough?

    As I lay here waiting on sleep to find me, that question comes to mind. Am I enough? Am I sufficient as I am to be acceptable as a friend, daughter, sister? Am I enough as a co-worker? My short answer is no. The longer answer is I feel seriously flawed. I dont feel like I am alone in that but it still exists. There are skills I never picked up. I never learned it. I never had a chance to apply it. I never learned to be a friend. To understand what that even means. I dont think it means I am a yes-man but it also cant be always being defensive. I hear it involves some form of love or caring a grat deal. It involves understanding emotions. Being able to understand them and the affects it has on others. I didnt learn to experience life. To see a fear and approach it. To face it. To relenquish its control of me. To look at a crowd not as a mob waiting to pounce but a world yet to be opened. To not fear everyone is dissecting me from the hair on my head to my toes. How do I improve that? Being vulnerable is a huge fear and task. It's not something that will happen quickly. How do I overcome those setbacks? They only reinforce the need to not be vulnerable. I kmow I should be enough but I am not certain I ever will be. I am not certain that 'enough' really exists.
  11. Intro...

    I have been contemplating reinstating my journaling. It was helpful to calm my mind at night so I can rest. Because of nosey family, a handwritten journal (which I love) is not an option. Then I saw this. Worried at first. It means my thoughts are seen by strangers who can respond. I had to realize the benefits outweigh the negatives. I am hoping to do this daily, good and bad. I am hoping I can look back and see actual progress one day. I am hoping to find a voice for those things I cant most days. I joined this site to try to find peace with my past and my actions during a difficult childhood. More than 30 years of pain silenced and building up. Years holding on to a secret that I am not prepared to release to those in my life. So we will see how this goes. Lord, give me strength to keep this up. Day 1 It's been a calm day mostly. My nephew and his girlfriend have broken up...gain. this tome he seems to be gaining a backbone. I like her but I find her a manipulator. Maybe he is realizing this now. I say good for him. I have been able to curb most thoughts today with a movie or crocheting. Someone gave me the idea to crochet for newborns and donate to the hospitals. So I am going to try and see how it goes. Lol I am slow so it will take me months. Good thing babies are born daily. There is the joy of work in the morning. I love my job. It challenges me daily. My boss and other supervisors are amazing. I manage about 30 people. Some days ot os like a day care full of 5 yr olds. Other days they amaze me as well. I only hope I am showing them as well as someone showed me. Monday is my most stressful work day and it can set the pace for the rest of my week. Sunset will be the bigger issue. Thats when the anxiety goes in overdrive. The thoughts then multiply like cells. Every thought leads to 2 other thoughts. That will be the issue. Maybe I should do this then. When I am in the midst. When I am on the verge of tears and in need of a listening ear.
  12. It is now called Venting under the Body and Mind forum. Yeah I got confused too when I thought it was gone.
  13. Welcome to AS!!!
  14. Welcome back!!!
  15. Welcome to AS!!!