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aperson

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About aperson

  • Birthday September 6

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    Survivor

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  1. Finally....

    The results are in and they are normal. One month, hours of worry and a few tears shed. It would have been nice to know this when they knew it. But better late than never, right? So, the biopsy did show that I am facing the same situation as 8 years ago. I have been there and I know what that means. I know what that process looks like. So now I wait for an appointment so I can get someone to take me since It requires me to be under. I decided not to do a hysterectomy. Emotionally, I just cant. Plus, the cost is astronomical. At least my insurance has a higher deductible than the last one. So now I can really breathe a sigh of relief. I can prepare for the next step and hope that I beat the odds on having another recurrence.
  2. Still waiting so I surrender

    Another week has come and gone and I still know nothing. I called the dr office 3 times. The first time, the dr called and left a message. Since I was working I couldnt answer. She apologized and said she was out for the rest of the day but to call and tell them if ok to leave results on a message. I call back and then nothing. I waited until Monday to call again. The nurse tells me she is out until Tuesday and will leave a message for her. I tell her I am a bit anxious about it. She says that considering the dr isnt calling urgently and she hasnt given her a head's up that something is wrong they are probably ok. Here we are on Wednesday and still nothing. So for my sanity, I am going to say the results are ok and think only of the 2 options I have to make. I cant keep stressing and waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my email every 5 mins like a basket case. If she calls, fine. If she doesnt fine. I will worry about it more if I have additional symptoms. Going to another dr is beyond what I am capable of at this moment. It took me weeks to choose her. It would be weeks to research another. I just dont have the energy to do that. Dont get me wrong, her bedside manner is great and she has been very underdtanding. She doesnt talk down to me or try to shame me. Until this, she has been great. Sometimes I think dr and most service professionals should be put in their client's position. Maybe then they would understand better. Maybe they will get the anxiety that we feel waiting on info about our care that only they have. Sometimes holding the answer to life or death. So today is the last day I will spend allowing these results to determine my life. Well....I am going to try very hard to make today the last day.
  3. The wait is nerve racking

    Thanks awi. I am remaining positive that all is well. The first time, I did wait nearly a year before getting a procedure done for polyps. This time I acted much quicker so I was not as anemic. As for kids, I may not have been clear. Being sterile is not really an issue for me. I have been certain since I was 7 or 8 that I have no desire to be pregnant or have kids that are biologically mine. I had planned to adopt but life got in the way. It is a psychological thing of feeling less feminine. It is the craziest contradiction but it exists to a smallish degree.
  4. The wait is nerve racking

    I know and thank you my friend.
  5. The wait is nerve racking

    Thank you for healing thoughts. I am trying to be patient because of the holiday. I am going to call them if I havent heard anything by Tuesday.
  6. The wait is nerve racking

    It has been 11 days since the biopsy and I have no results. My dr said she would have the results in about a week. It has been 11 days. Early on I was concerned but it was manageable. If the results came back negative for cancer, I would have the lesser invasive procedure that would stop the bleeding. If they were positive, I was prepared to have the hysterectomy and any other procedures to give my body a chance to fight. The longer the wait, the more I am nervous either way. The longer it takes the more anxiety that builds up in me. Both procedures would make me sterile which is fine...I think. I have never wanted to be pregnant. But the longer I have to wait the more I think about what that loss means for me. In an odd way it feels like a loss of femininity. Logically I know that really wont change but the loss is there to some degree. I am worried that it wont be enough either way. What if I end up with a negative result and 10 years later it all returns. I had this issue with bleeding about 8 years ago. The dr then sounded so certain it wouldnt return but here I am. The reason seems to be different. Polyps then. Fybroids now. I chose the lesser invasive procedure then because the alternative gave me the same feeling of loss as today. It felt right then. It feels like a mistake today. I am trying to remain optimistic. When I told my dad he said the result is already set in place whatever it is. He will pray for healing no matter the result. I know that at this moment I am not ready to not fight to keep myself healthy and alive. I think about my aunt who had cancer and did not survive it. She fought with her last ounce of strength. I just dont know if the wait is a positive sign. If it was bad they would have contacted me immediately right? Or is it the wait is to determine how bad it is? I dont know what the answer is right now. I do know I am going to try and not let the what-ifs take me to a dangerous place. I have never been so anxious about getting results from a dr as I am right now. I cannot wait for this to be over, one way or the other.
  7. Shutting down and shutting out

    I am not sure which it is but my attempt at being open and honest is unsuccessful. I am definitely shutting out. Reaching out is just becoming too painful and isolating. It shouldnt be. People dont realize that words have power. They hurt whether we let on or not. They cut deeper than physical pain at times. And then there is the flat out dismissal of my feelings and thoughts. The dismissal of what I feel because it doesnt look like what they expect or want. I dont think it is shutting down but it is what I want it to be. Shutting down symbolizes I no longer allow this crap to occupy constant space in my dailey thoughts. It exists but I put it back undrr lock and key. Yes, my feelings and unresolved guilt and shame exist but...they dont matter. In writing this, it feels like I shouldnt say I am doing either. Announcing it feels attention seeking or not shutting out/down. Either way, attempting to reach out was a fail. Maybe another day I will feel less pessimistic about it.
  8. When life hands you lemons...

    Ian37, thank you and yes, I would agree. I am all for immediate solutions and answers. Especially if they dont cause other issues. I have found that for certain things, it is beneficial for me to be negative for a day or so. I stuff so many other thoughts and feelings that I have to let some of the 'smaller' ones out so I dont explode. I find that this is helpful for me to clear my head to try and find a solution. I am working on being a bit more positive which is more work than I thought it would be but it is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. I am using tools to help me focus. Again, sometimes harder than I thought it would be but still a work in progress. When I am not completely overwhelmed, they work and I can proceed forward.
  9. When life hands you lemons...

    I feel like I am constantly being handed lemons lately. Every time I turn around there is one issue or another. Work sucked so I changed jobs but right now that os a huge question mark. From the training to the test to the calls. It was a financial hit too. Thought we could manage that but the universe seems to think differently. I tried to manage that with a vehicle that required less maintanence. 2 months in and I am looking at a 1600.00 repair bill. It just feels like every thing I try to right goes way wrong. Right now, I am just fed up and tired. Whatever karma has planned is a slow painful revenge. I like my revenges quick. More time to recuperate.
  10. Standing on the edge

    You ever have those moments where you are so filled with 'stuff' that all you want to do is scream? All of the pushing down of feelings to try to stay present and 'sane' have caught up with you? All the fighting to not remember, be triggered or 'keeping a brave face' have worn you down? In an attempt to feel nothing, you feel everything? Now you just want to scream. Scream like a coyote howling during a full moon. Everything feels raw. Your patience is failing. Your anger is building. Your mind is raging and torn between keeping the facade and releasing all that is in you. That's my day. That is my life. Always fighting to keep myself from falling off a cliff. Its an exhausting task to maintain daily. Some days are easier but at some point I have to let all that 'stuff' see light. It must be released into the atmosphere so it doesnt injure me further. But releasing feels dangerous for me and anyone I am in contact with. There is fear of how bad it will hurt to feel all if that at one time. To not be able to fully describe all thosefeelings. I have spent so much of my life stuffing. I just want to get past my past a live afuture not hindered by fear, mistrust, anger, shame, brokeness. I want to do that without harmingmy family. Without stirring up trouble. Without feelingmore isolated than I was before. Is that too much to ask? The answer seems to be a loud yes. My family structure is fractured enough. I dont want to do any more damage to anyone. Yes, after everthing, I still dont want to hurt them.
  11. Screaming inside

    Shaking. The kind that you can feel start from the inside. From your bones to your veins to your muscles. Skin tingling. The trigger. Someone sat next to me. I havent given my new co-workers the talk about my personal space. Last week one kept touching me. I silently prayed then. Today the prayer didnt work. I kept saying to myself, it will be fine. Sge will move soon. She didnt and the feeling kept building. I could no longer focus. The trembling became visible. Someone else saw and I got up. I need to breath. I need to remain centered. Focused. Present. Count it out. Deep breath in. Slow release. It is not a good thing to flip out on them. You have to tell tthem soon. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breathe...
  12. Insomnia

    It is frustrating when I cant sleep. If I fall asleep now, I can get 3 full hours but that wont happen. It is one of those nights where a billion thoughts are in my head and they all want to be answered of acknowledged. No sooner than I handle one another appears. And God forbid one becomes a complex stream of thought. And it isnt just 1 train of thoughts. They are all over the place. Are the doors locked? What am I wearing to work? I should wash my laundry. My hair. What should I do with my niece's hair for summer? The less we have to do, the happier we all are. Did he call the insurance about his car? Wonder if I should see a doctor about pain in my elbow. The list goes on and on and on. A game doesnt help. Nor a movie and definitely not silence or darkness. The last 2 options cause the thoughts to be 10 times worse. There was a time I could use work to solve this. Now I have to figure out something else. If I sleep now, I can get 2hrs and 56 mins of sleep. Maybe I am too hot but I have my fan and air on. Minimal cover because I must have it even if only on my feet. Not a milk person so no warm milk for me. Training is going to be painful at work. I am already bored and adding sleepy is not a good look. Lol I already fell asleep once last week. Cannot do it twice. If I fall asleep now, I can get 2 hrs and 48 mins of sleep. Typing this on a phone takes longer than I thought. Maybe shorter if I made less spelling errors 😊 Think I am more awake now than I have been in the last few weeks lol. My body clock seems to have confused night and day. Or maybe I just needed to have a conversation even if it is a one-sided one. Writing can be quite theraputic and relaxing. Something about thought to paper (in this case screen) relieves the mind. It releases just enough thoughts that sleep is possible. It will be waking up that will be an issue. I will revert to the kid who tells their parent 'I dont want to go to school today' or 'I'm sick' just to get to sleep in. If I fall asleep now, I can get 2hrs and 25 mins of sleep. Let's see if I can beat the alarm.
  13. 'The Tale'

    PearlofMary, It's strange how we know there are others who relate but still feel alone. Anyway, I agree. The best way to move forward is to believe it happened unless you have evidence otherwise. Staying consistent with that process is key.
  14. 'The Tale'

    I watched a movie the other night called 'The Tale'. I am not always one who reads the overview of a movie. The title catches my eye and I watch. This is one I probably should have passed on but I couldnt stop watching because I related so well to it. It is about a woman who receives a story she wrote when she was younger from her mom. The story was about a young girl who was manipulated and sexually assaulted. The film spends the rest of the time with her trying to reconcile the story with her memories from 30 years ago. This is what I feel like daily. I feel like I have these memories that feel unreal. I feel like I documented something years ago, blocked it out and rewrote it. Now, my mimd is trying to determine which is the truth. Was I that young? Were there that many? Was it all a lie? A fabrication because I needed a tale? A reason forbeing the way I am. I know that the thoughts werent 'planted' by anyone. By the time I soughttherapy, the memories were already present. I want to believe my memories and say that I am doubting myself because I was very young at the start. How can you trust the idea that a 5yr old or younger recalls something like that accurately? Or that a 12 yr old recalls her memories from that age accurately. Did I fill in the 'blanks' with what I believe is a plausible explanation? In my head, it all seems extremely real. My emotions react to the memories. My body reacts to the memories. I feel negative responses when I think too long about the times it happened. The doubt creeps in though. I start to question the details. I start to wonder if I inserted a detail for a part I couldnt recall. Did something I felt was inappropriate happen and it was completely innocent? Because I do have such specific memories of before, during and after the events I am trying to have faith that they are true. It would be difficult for a child who hasnt experienced it to have such details and remain consistent. Realistically, I should have turned this movie off as soon as I saw where it was going. The fact is I related too well and couldnt turn it off. Most other films deal with someone lying about it or drunk or drugged or have memories planted by someone else to explain their behaviour. In this case, it was none of those. The only difference is she seemed to block out much of it includimg what she looked like at that age. Picturing herself curvier and fuller and more adult-like. I can see myself as the child I was. Part of healimg for me is to resolve the doubt. Until I do so, I will be stuck. I will always be moving in a circle. Always reverting to past behaviours when I think I have made.some progress. It isnt progress though. Its a pointless effort that I will have to repeat when the cycle comes back around. The woman in the film confirms what happened with another person, her mom and confronts the abuser. There is no one who can confirm it for me. I cannont comfront some of them because they are dead or have moved on in life. Others have family ties. As a cousin of mine says, we have enough broken branches on the family tree. Anymore and it will be a dead tree. And there is the one that I just cant. It has been my hope that confronting them is not required in my healing. They are all pretty dead to me. I dont speak with them at all. I may be proven wrong later. If so then that is when I will do it. Today, the doubt is minimal and tamed. That is all I can ask for.
  15. Once a year...

    Yesterday was Memorial Day. It is the 1 day a year I plan to go to the cemetary. I go to say hi to my family. The 'unplanned' trips are because I am at a breaking point. Those usually turn out very bad. Unfortunately, some of that family was toxic. My mother's family has the most in one place. Sadly, they are all together so there is no avoiding specific ones. Luckily I dont go alone. It is helpful because I dont get emotional and sit there crying alone. That doesnt mean that I am not affected. It becomes a suffering in silence and trying to push back negative emotions and thoughts. I still am angry for what I believe some of them knew but did nothing to stop it and for those who were directly responsible. I just wish the day would come that I am less affected, de-sensitized in a way. But that is a long way off. If it ever happens. I am not holding my breath either way. I have become more aware that I must stay busy. After changing jobs and being in training unti July, I am bored. If nothing else I always had something to do before. Now, I try to be patient while everyone else catches on. That is not meaning I am smarter than them. I just have a bit more experience with some of the tools than they do. I remember when I was 'tech' support for it for 2 years. I am also use to using 10+ systems to do my job so I am not confused by having so many windows open on 1 screen. It is a transition of working all the time to only 8hrs a day. I am having to re-learn how to occupy the downtime without sinking into a deep depression. So here is to hoping that aknowledging these 2 things relieves some anxiety and the Sandman sprinkles his magic dust over me before 2am.
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