Jump to content

aperson

Member
  • Content count

    2,691
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About aperson

  • Birthday September 6

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://
  • ICQ
    0

Recent Profile Visitors

1,682 profile views
  1. Shutting down and shutting out

    I am not sure which it is but my attempt at being open and honest is unsuccessful. I am definitely shutting out. Reaching out is just becoming too painful and isolating. It shouldnt be. People dont realize that words have power. They hurt whether we let on or not. They cut deeper than physical pain at times. And then there is the flat out dismissal of my feelings and thoughts. The dismissal of what I feel because it doesnt look like what they expect or want. I dont think it is shutting down but it is what I want it to be. Shutting down symbolizes I no longer allow this crap to occupy constant space in my dailey thoughts. It exists but I put it back undrr lock and key. Yes, my feelings and unresolved guilt and shame exist but...they dont matter. In writing this, it feels like I shouldnt say I am doing either. Announcing it feels attention seeking or not shutting out/down. Either way, attempting to reach out was a fail. Maybe another day I will feel less pessimistic about it.
  2. When life hands you lemons...

    Ian37, thank you and yes, I would agree. I am all for immediate solutions and answers. Especially if they dont cause other issues. I have found that for certain things, it is beneficial for me to be negative for a day or so. I stuff so many other thoughts and feelings that I have to let some of the 'smaller' ones out so I dont explode. I find that this is helpful for me to clear my head to try and find a solution. I am working on being a bit more positive which is more work than I thought it would be but it is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. I am using tools to help me focus. Again, sometimes harder than I thought it would be but still a work in progress. When I am not completely overwhelmed, they work and I can proceed forward.
  3. When life hands you lemons...

    I feel like I am constantly being handed lemons lately. Every time I turn around there is one issue or another. Work sucked so I changed jobs but right now that os a huge question mark. From the training to the test to the calls. It was a financial hit too. Thought we could manage that but the universe seems to think differently. I tried to manage that with a vehicle that required less maintanence. 2 months in and I am looking at a 1600.00 repair bill. It just feels like every thing I try to right goes way wrong. Right now, I am just fed up and tired. Whatever karma has planned is a slow painful revenge. I like my revenges quick. More time to recuperate.
  4. Standing on the edge

    You ever have those moments where you are so filled with 'stuff' that all you want to do is scream? All of the pushing down of feelings to try to stay present and 'sane' have caught up with you? All the fighting to not remember, be triggered or 'keeping a brave face' have worn you down? In an attempt to feel nothing, you feel everything? Now you just want to scream. Scream like a coyote howling during a full moon. Everything feels raw. Your patience is failing. Your anger is building. Your mind is raging and torn between keeping the facade and releasing all that is in you. That's my day. That is my life. Always fighting to keep myself from falling off a cliff. Its an exhausting task to maintain daily. Some days are easier but at some point I have to let all that 'stuff' see light. It must be released into the atmosphere so it doesnt injure me further. But releasing feels dangerous for me and anyone I am in contact with. There is fear of how bad it will hurt to feel all if that at one time. To not be able to fully describe all thosefeelings. I have spent so much of my life stuffing. I just want to get past my past a live afuture not hindered by fear, mistrust, anger, shame, brokeness. I want to do that without harmingmy family. Without stirring up trouble. Without feelingmore isolated than I was before. Is that too much to ask? The answer seems to be a loud yes. My family structure is fractured enough. I dont want to do any more damage to anyone. Yes, after everthing, I still dont want to hurt them.
  5. Screaming inside

    Shaking. The kind that you can feel start from the inside. From your bones to your veins to your muscles. Skin tingling. The trigger. Someone sat next to me. I havent given my new co-workers the talk about my personal space. Last week one kept touching me. I silently prayed then. Today the prayer didnt work. I kept saying to myself, it will be fine. Sge will move soon. She didnt and the feeling kept building. I could no longer focus. The trembling became visible. Someone else saw and I got up. I need to breath. I need to remain centered. Focused. Present. Count it out. Deep breath in. Slow release. It is not a good thing to flip out on them. You have to tell tthem soon. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breathe...
  6. Insomnia

    It is frustrating when I cant sleep. If I fall asleep now, I can get 3 full hours but that wont happen. It is one of those nights where a billion thoughts are in my head and they all want to be answered of acknowledged. No sooner than I handle one another appears. And God forbid one becomes a complex stream of thought. And it isnt just 1 train of thoughts. They are all over the place. Are the doors locked? What am I wearing to work? I should wash my laundry. My hair. What should I do with my niece's hair for summer? The less we have to do, the happier we all are. Did he call the insurance about his car? Wonder if I should see a doctor about pain in my elbow. The list goes on and on and on. A game doesnt help. Nor a movie and definitely not silence or darkness. The last 2 options cause the thoughts to be 10 times worse. There was a time I could use work to solve this. Now I have to figure out something else. If I sleep now, I can get 2hrs and 56 mins of sleep. Maybe I am too hot but I have my fan and air on. Minimal cover because I must have it even if only on my feet. Not a milk person so no warm milk for me. Training is going to be painful at work. I am already bored and adding sleepy is not a good look. Lol I already fell asleep once last week. Cannot do it twice. If I fall asleep now, I can get 2 hrs and 48 mins of sleep. Typing this on a phone takes longer than I thought. Maybe shorter if I made less spelling errors 😊 Think I am more awake now than I have been in the last few weeks lol. My body clock seems to have confused night and day. Or maybe I just needed to have a conversation even if it is a one-sided one. Writing can be quite theraputic and relaxing. Something about thought to paper (in this case screen) relieves the mind. It releases just enough thoughts that sleep is possible. It will be waking up that will be an issue. I will revert to the kid who tells their parent 'I dont want to go to school today' or 'I'm sick' just to get to sleep in. If I fall asleep now, I can get 2hrs and 25 mins of sleep. Let's see if I can beat the alarm.
  7. 'The Tale'

    PearlofMary, It's strange how we know there are others who relate but still feel alone. Anyway, I agree. The best way to move forward is to believe it happened unless you have evidence otherwise. Staying consistent with that process is key.
  8. 'The Tale'

    I watched a movie the other night called 'The Tale'. I am not always one who reads the overview of a movie. The title catches my eye and I watch. This is one I probably should have passed on but I couldnt stop watching because I related so well to it. It is about a woman who receives a story she wrote when she was younger from her mom. The story was about a young girl who was manipulated and sexually assaulted. The film spends the rest of the time with her trying to reconcile the story with her memories from 30 years ago. This is what I feel like daily. I feel like I have these memories that feel unreal. I feel like I documented something years ago, blocked it out and rewrote it. Now, my mimd is trying to determine which is the truth. Was I that young? Were there that many? Was it all a lie? A fabrication because I needed a tale? A reason forbeing the way I am. I know that the thoughts werent 'planted' by anyone. By the time I soughttherapy, the memories were already present. I want to believe my memories and say that I am doubting myself because I was very young at the start. How can you trust the idea that a 5yr old or younger recalls something like that accurately? Or that a 12 yr old recalls her memories from that age accurately. Did I fill in the 'blanks' with what I believe is a plausible explanation? In my head, it all seems extremely real. My emotions react to the memories. My body reacts to the memories. I feel negative responses when I think too long about the times it happened. The doubt creeps in though. I start to question the details. I start to wonder if I inserted a detail for a part I couldnt recall. Did something I felt was inappropriate happen and it was completely innocent? Because I do have such specific memories of before, during and after the events I am trying to have faith that they are true. It would be difficult for a child who hasnt experienced it to have such details and remain consistent. Realistically, I should have turned this movie off as soon as I saw where it was going. The fact is I related too well and couldnt turn it off. Most other films deal with someone lying about it or drunk or drugged or have memories planted by someone else to explain their behaviour. In this case, it was none of those. The only difference is she seemed to block out much of it includimg what she looked like at that age. Picturing herself curvier and fuller and more adult-like. I can see myself as the child I was. Part of healimg for me is to resolve the doubt. Until I do so, I will be stuck. I will always be moving in a circle. Always reverting to past behaviours when I think I have made.some progress. It isnt progress though. Its a pointless effort that I will have to repeat when the cycle comes back around. The woman in the film confirms what happened with another person, her mom and confronts the abuser. There is no one who can confirm it for me. I cannont comfront some of them because they are dead or have moved on in life. Others have family ties. As a cousin of mine says, we have enough broken branches on the family tree. Anymore and it will be a dead tree. And there is the one that I just cant. It has been my hope that confronting them is not required in my healing. They are all pretty dead to me. I dont speak with them at all. I may be proven wrong later. If so then that is when I will do it. Today, the doubt is minimal and tamed. That is all I can ask for.
  9. Once a year...

    Yesterday was Memorial Day. It is the 1 day a year I plan to go to the cemetary. I go to say hi to my family. The 'unplanned' trips are because I am at a breaking point. Those usually turn out very bad. Unfortunately, some of that family was toxic. My mother's family has the most in one place. Sadly, they are all together so there is no avoiding specific ones. Luckily I dont go alone. It is helpful because I dont get emotional and sit there crying alone. That doesnt mean that I am not affected. It becomes a suffering in silence and trying to push back negative emotions and thoughts. I still am angry for what I believe some of them knew but did nothing to stop it and for those who were directly responsible. I just wish the day would come that I am less affected, de-sensitized in a way. But that is a long way off. If it ever happens. I am not holding my breath either way. I have become more aware that I must stay busy. After changing jobs and being in training unti July, I am bored. If nothing else I always had something to do before. Now, I try to be patient while everyone else catches on. That is not meaning I am smarter than them. I just have a bit more experience with some of the tools than they do. I remember when I was 'tech' support for it for 2 years. I am also use to using 10+ systems to do my job so I am not confused by having so many windows open on 1 screen. It is a transition of working all the time to only 8hrs a day. I am having to re-learn how to occupy the downtime without sinking into a deep depression. So here is to hoping that aknowledging these 2 things relieves some anxiety and the Sandman sprinkles his magic dust over me before 2am.
  10. Week 3

    This is week 3 of training and I am still clueless I feel. Still a lot I just dont get. It just doesnt make sense yet. Still have 9 weeks to go. The 2nd biggest change is the free time I have. No more working late nights, early calls, interviews, reports, babysitting grown adults. No more worrying how to keep the account afloat and trying to convince people to stay when the company is showing them they dont matter. I have my evenings free. I can just relax. But that would be too easy lol. I have too much time now. I still stay awake until 2am. I can say a lot of the stress has been relieved. I am all for a challenge but this challenge was set to fail from the start. So I have started crocheting again. Using that to occupy some time. Catching up on Netflix. Their original films are awesome. I have plenty of time to study but havent brought myself to do it. Reading about stocks and bonds, life insurance, taxes and retirement accounts is boring as h%$%. I am trying to be sure to not allow myself to slip so easily into my own mind and negative thoughts of myself or others. I was there for a few days. Realized where I was headed and just decided to push past it. It sounds like avoidance but just trying to stay out of dark and unsafe places mentally. One thing we do in training daily is to name 2 things that went well for the day. To keep away from everything the others say has been a challenge. There are 14 people including the trainer and me. 12 of then say daily how the training is starting to make sense every day. It is now day 13. I try to stay away from that. Choosing anything I can. It is beneficial doing this brcause I have to think of something good that day. That is a new challenge. I have resorted to a daily countdown to friday lol. But so far it's ok. I am pushing through and slowly learning. Just a couple more major steps to get past. I can relax more after that I think. Hmmmm maybe my hair will grow back now. That would make it worth it!
  11. It has been awhile...

    So....I havent updated this in a long time. A few reasons for that. First, after almost 7 years, I resigned from my job. The people I worked with in my office were mostly great. My boss was definitely my top boss ever. She had what I lack in the people area and I had the operational stuff down. Having the most tenure on my account helped a lot. At the end of the day, several things caused me to throw in the towel. I was way overworked and underpaid. I was putting in about 60 hours a week. I was sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. I was burned out and the workload was not getting any better. Because my account team is based in the UK, I started getting emails before I woke up each day. They didnt let up until the early evening US time. I was stretched and stressed beyond normal levels. Because the US company was being poorly managed, my agents were leaving left and right. The moral at the site was the lowest I have ever seen. No pay raises in more than 3 years and horrible benefits. The recruiting team was a disaster for the quality of applicants and their process. Anyway, the final straw came with layoffs in leadership positiins at the end of March. Now they werent getting raises and no opportunity to advance. They were evn laying off my boss. There were many talks with HR before and after this but nothing changed. No new business and no changes in workload. So I gave my notice. It saved myboss her job. Now she sees the pain I endured for 5 years. I now work in the same building but on another floor and for a different company. I see her daily. The other day we literally had the same conversation from 7 months ago but in reverse. She was on the verge of tears feeling like she was a failure. We laughed at the role change but she understood what I was saying to her now. So I still help her out but as an 'advisor' only. My new job is challenging. I am clueless right now and worried. Keeping the job requires a federal license. I dont feel able to pass the test right now. It all sounds like blah blah blah. The others claim they are getting it. My trainer said sometimes you have a look like what the hell. I told him I was probably thinking that but I am trying. One thing I have come to realuze is the old job kept me from having to think so much about my own issues. There just wasnt enough time in the day to think of myself. Now, I got plenty of time and thats all I do. This cycle is frustrating and hard. I am suppised to think about it to acknowledge my feelings. Tgat is supposed to help me verbalize them and nit internalize them. I am supposed to be forgiving them and myself. I am supposed to be moving forward and releasing the hold of fear. What is really happening us cycles of depression. I am emotionally stunted. An adult with emotiinal state of a 7 yr old. Feeling like the child who is still learning what I feel and when or if I am free to express them. I am stagnate. Stuck. I hear and read about techniques to help me move forward but I am still in that place. The one where you are still at step 1 of a 12 step process. I am so inhibited that I feel like I am shutting down all emotions, happy or sad. I pray for deliverance of this part of me. I dont see anything that has changed. We went to a church revival today and if I wasnt distracted by my own thoughts, I was trying to decide which emtion to expres while the preacher gave her sermon. I understoid what she was saying and it touched my. But all I could do was stare mindlessly. By the time I decide on a reaction, the moment is gone. I am losing what little bit of myself I have. I dont think GOD is hearing my prayers.
  12. Ramblings...

    Because my brain is all jumbled and my heart is hurting... I am finding it hard to stay centered right now. I try and get about 3 good hours. After that I am worthless. I cant help but focus on the message I got Thurs. I cant help but think of all that may want me gone. I cant help but think of how much I wanted this job to work only to have this happen. This was my career. My place to retire. I keep trying not to cry. I have to move on and move forward. But what I want is to hide in my bed. I dont want to talk or see anyone. My insecurities are coming back to the surface. Things I try to hide in many ways. I feel alone. But I set it up that way. I have pushed and pushed. The wall is still there even though I painted a pretty picture on it. Now it is a pretty wall. It still blocks the world from me. I am still protecting myself as much as possible. I still hold everyone at arm's length. That is true for everyone. I dont have long friendships. Hell I cant even keep friends. I feel like a bit of a burden. My mood swings can be vast. I can spend a day in so many different moods I get motion sick. And when the wrong one sticks, it stays for weeks. Because I dont want to be the person who is dragging everyone down, I put on the face. Whatever was bothering me no longer matterson the outside. Inside I have so much to say. I have a need to release what is bubbling up inside. Normally I would take a drive to help clear my head. But I cannot do that due to my car acting up. And I dont even want to deal with that right now. I need to but I just want it to magically work for me. Everyone says you look tired. I am. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Last thurs and fri I couldnt sleep. Caught an hour here and there. I normally spend a few days a week working 16hr days. So I am tired. If they only knew the emotional portion is taking the greatest toll on me. So it is nearly 3am. I am writing this because I really want to go for a long walk and cry. I am writing this to not cause physical harm. I am writing thisbecause using my voice is too difficult. I am writing this so I get it out. I am writing this because drinking wont solve anything. I am writing this because I want a semi-peaceful sleep. I am writing this because I am hurting. I am writing this becauseI want a hug but cant accept it. I am writing this because it is 3am and I cant stop thinking.
  13. Heartbroken and sad

    @GaleH You may not have stated it properly. While I found myself planning it, I recognized later that this was not productive. Although I have thoughts, I am able to keep myself from planning anything. No they are not threatening me. I received some damaging information the prior evening and it was extremely hurtful. I will be ok. It will just take some time. Thank you. @Ian37 Thank you. I still consider it a weakness unless no one sees you cry. I am working on it. I will be attempting to do some self-care over the weekend. While I am still hurt, I am in a safer head space today.
  14. Heartbroken and sad

    I am so heartbroken by the message I got yesterday. I cancelled all of my meetings. I spent more time crying at work than actually working. My boss sent me an email that she hadnt heard about a petition. In the afternoon she came to talk with me. She wanted to know who told me. I know who told me but they are not part of our organization so telling her who it was is pointless plus I dont know who said they were doing the petition and neither does the person who told me. She asked if there was anything she could do. She insisted that what they say is not true and that she never has had any complaints or concerns come to her. As much as I tried, I cried because that is all that I could do. she told me to stay home Friday but I know all I will do is cry and have troubled sleep so I declined. She says she has told no one else. I dont know that I believe any of what she says right now. I cancelled all meetings for Friday as well. I am only speaking when required. If I am not hiding because I am crying I sit at my desk and try to focus. I am moving as best as I can. I just want to not go to work but if I dont keep going in, I wont go back at all. I am literally crushed right now. I came home and force myself to eat and then slept for 5 hours. I dont know what to do. I dont know who to trust and I feel completely alone. There is no one I can talk to about this who I feel is not biased. I am lost. I am damaged. I started deciding what was the best way for me to die. Although I have these thoughts regularly, I have not planned it in almost a year. Realizing what I was doing only added to the sadness. It felt like I was attempting to make some progress only to be setback. I have no reason to believe the messenger has ill intentions. They are not in my department. The dont typically communicate with anyone from my area. I trust them and dont trust them at the same time. That probably doesnt make a ton of sense to anyone else but it does to me. I cannot fully concentrate. It is even worse than my normal lack of concentrate. I am just lost. The best thing for me to do is just try to go to sleep.
  15. They want me fired

    I found out from someone that some people want me fired. I wouldnt be so bothered except the reason is because they say I have bad hygiene. I have already spoken with my boss about my performance and that I felt that my team had an aversion to me. I thought they felt like I was a poor leader. the truth is they dont want me around because I smell. I am not upset that they feel this way. They are right. I am more upset about the way it is being handled. I have emailed my boss and asked her to re-distribute some of my direct contact with people including interviews. I also let her know the reason why. She hasnt seen the email so no idea what her thoughts are and at this point I dont even really want to know. I will not lie that I have an issue regarding hygiene and it has been a struggle since I was a small child. It has not been an issue regarding work. While there may be people who feel a certain way, they have never gone to this this level. If anyone else felt this way, they have been able to talk to me. Even when they have an issue with someone else at my current job, they have been able to go to our manager to have the conversation with the employee. I just dont feel like dealing with any of them right now. Had they mentioned it even to my boss, I would have given her a brief explanation of the issue. Now, I am not even sure if she knows about it and is in on the whole thing. I dont trust any of them. For someone who already has trust issues, it just reinforces my current thought about people in general. I have made attempts to open up but this just makes me want to retreat back into my own world. Then they will say that I am not engaging with them. Funny thing is they should be happy with that but they wont. I dont know what to do at this point. Knowing all of this, I still have great anxiety of doing anything to resolve the issue right now. All that I can do is cry. In the end, I am hurt. There are people who are saying one thing to my face and conspiring behind my back. I had already decided that I was going to leave my job before. This just reiterates that I should move on and start over. I should not open myself up to people because they do not realy care about you. They dont really repsect you no matter how much they say otherwise. I just feel like telling them I quit but that isnt what I was taught. I am more professional than that and I have always said, dont quit a job without having another unless you have come into a huge sum of money. I have neither. It is going to be so difficult going into work now. It will be uncomfortable for me and they will notice. They will ask why and I will pretend as if it is their imaginations. What else do I do? Share information with people I dont trust so they have more ammunition? Back into the hole I go. There it is safe and familiar. No one but me to deal with.
×