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aperson

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About aperson

  • Birthday September 6

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    Female

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    Survivor

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  1. aperson

    I am...

    I am.... Perfectly made with flaws. Flaws to encourage growth and wisdom Intelligent. Knowledge I have gained and more knowledge to obtain. Kind. But able to display anger when not treated in kind Safe. No longer surrounded by those who wish me physical harm Brave. To face my fears, past and current Open. Open to the possibilities that life has to offer Loved. And I can give love to others Strong. To fight the demons and battles that come my way Able. I can do all things I set my mind to achieve Worthy. Worthy of all that life has to offer and all opportunities headed my way Enough. Being my individual self makes me enough for anyone I come in contact with. Enough that I dont have to change to be loved, appreciated or cared for. Reminding myself I have more to offer than the negative thoughts that fill my head and hold me back from being the best me that I can be.
  2. While going for preop for my procedure, my blood pressure was super high. High enough that surgery would not happen withiut primary dr clearance. Additionally, they took me to ER to control immediate blood pressure. The primary dr says in addition to meds I need to destress. But they wont clear me until bp is below 160/80. That was 2 weeks and 3 prescriptions ago. I am not sure how they expect me to lower stress at this point. They may not mean to but they scare me that high bp is a silent killer with no signs much of the time. So now I am scared to sleep for fear of dying in my sleep. I am scared that a headache or pain in my arms or legs is a stroke warning. I am afraid that a moment of feeling lightheaded is a sign of high or low bp. I still have the original condition that remains to be treated. That causes its own symptoms and issues. Now how do you destress from that? Those things coupled with normal living and trying to figure out how to pay for all of this. Each dr visit is 60-100 bucks. The surgery is another 3000. The labs. The hours missed from work. How do you destress from that??? I am losing weight which is not intentional. I am waking at odd hours even after going to sleep at a decent time. Do they realize that they cause additional stress? And I am losing control over the situation. When I started this, I planned it out. I had time to prepare myself for what I knew was to come. And now...now it's all in someone else's hands and I am a spectator. I am just doing what they say. I have lost hope that I will get the procedure in the next few months. Now I am just ready to be done with all of it. No more drs. No more needles. No surgery. I managed these things before. I will again. I need to regain some semblance of normalcy again. This isnt it. This is chaotic and stressful.
  3. aperson

    Finally....

    Thank you both. My nerves have calmed down and I have my appointment set so
  4. aperson

    Finally....

    The results are in and they are normal. One month, hours of worry and a few tears shed. It would have been nice to know this when they knew it. But better late than never, right? So, the biopsy did show that I am facing the same situation as 8 years ago. I have been there and I know what that means. I know what that process looks like. So now I wait for an appointment so I can get someone to take me since It requires me to be under. I decided not to do a hysterectomy. Emotionally, I just cant. Plus, the cost is astronomical. At least my insurance has a higher deductible than the last one. So now I can really breathe a sigh of relief. I can prepare for the next step and hope that I beat the odds on having another recurrence.
  5. Another week has come and gone and I still know nothing. I called the dr office 3 times. The first time, the dr called and left a message. Since I was working I couldnt answer. She apologized and said she was out for the rest of the day but to call and tell them if ok to leave results on a message. I call back and then nothing. I waited until Monday to call again. The nurse tells me she is out until Tuesday and will leave a message for her. I tell her I am a bit anxious about it. She says that considering the dr isnt calling urgently and she hasnt given her a head's up that something is wrong they are probably ok. Here we are on Wednesday and still nothing. So for my sanity, I am going to say the results are ok and think only of the 2 options I have to make. I cant keep stressing and waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my email every 5 mins like a basket case. If she calls, fine. If she doesnt fine. I will worry about it more if I have additional symptoms. Going to another dr is beyond what I am capable of at this moment. It took me weeks to choose her. It would be weeks to research another. I just dont have the energy to do that. Dont get me wrong, her bedside manner is great and she has been very underdtanding. She doesnt talk down to me or try to shame me. Until this, she has been great. Sometimes I think dr and most service professionals should be put in their client's position. Maybe then they would understand better. Maybe they will get the anxiety that we feel waiting on info about our care that only they have. Sometimes holding the answer to life or death. So today is the last day I will spend allowing these results to determine my life. Well....I am going to try very hard to make today the last day.
  6. Thanks awi. I am remaining positive that all is well. The first time, I did wait nearly a year before getting a procedure done for polyps. This time I acted much quicker so I was not as anemic. As for kids, I may not have been clear. Being sterile is not really an issue for me. I have been certain since I was 7 or 8 that I have no desire to be pregnant or have kids that are biologically mine. I had planned to adopt but life got in the way. It is a psychological thing of feeling less feminine. It is the craziest contradiction but it exists to a smallish degree.
  7. I know and thank you my friend.
  8. Thank you for healing thoughts. I am trying to be patient because of the holiday. I am going to call them if I havent heard anything by Tuesday.
  9. It has been 11 days since the biopsy and I have no results. My dr said she would have the results in about a week. It has been 11 days. Early on I was concerned but it was manageable. If the results came back negative for cancer, I would have the lesser invasive procedure that would stop the bleeding. If they were positive, I was prepared to have the hysterectomy and any other procedures to give my body a chance to fight. The longer the wait, the more I am nervous either way. The longer it takes the more anxiety that builds up in me. Both procedures would make me sterile which is fine...I think. I have never wanted to be pregnant. But the longer I have to wait the more I think about what that loss means for me. In an odd way it feels like a loss of femininity. Logically I know that really wont change but the loss is there to some degree. I am worried that it wont be enough either way. What if I end up with a negative result and 10 years later it all returns. I had this issue with bleeding about 8 years ago. The dr then sounded so certain it wouldnt return but here I am. The reason seems to be different. Polyps then. Fybroids now. I chose the lesser invasive procedure then because the alternative gave me the same feeling of loss as today. It felt right then. It feels like a mistake today. I am trying to remain optimistic. When I told my dad he said the result is already set in place whatever it is. He will pray for healing no matter the result. I know that at this moment I am not ready to not fight to keep myself healthy and alive. I think about my aunt who had cancer and did not survive it. She fought with her last ounce of strength. I just dont know if the wait is a positive sign. If it was bad they would have contacted me immediately right? Or is it the wait is to determine how bad it is? I dont know what the answer is right now. I do know I am going to try and not let the what-ifs take me to a dangerous place. I have never been so anxious about getting results from a dr as I am right now. I cannot wait for this to be over, one way or the other.
  10. I am not sure which it is but my attempt at being open and honest is unsuccessful. I am definitely shutting out. Reaching out is just becoming too painful and isolating. It shouldnt be. People dont realize that words have power. They hurt whether we let on or not. They cut deeper than physical pain at times. And then there is the flat out dismissal of my feelings and thoughts. The dismissal of what I feel because it doesnt look like what they expect or want. I dont think it is shutting down but it is what I want it to be. Shutting down symbolizes I no longer allow this crap to occupy constant space in my dailey thoughts. It exists but I put it back undrr lock and key. Yes, my feelings and unresolved guilt and shame exist but...they dont matter. In writing this, it feels like I shouldnt say I am doing either. Announcing it feels attention seeking or not shutting out/down. Either way, attempting to reach out was a fail. Maybe another day I will feel less pessimistic about it.
  11. Ian37, thank you and yes, I would agree. I am all for immediate solutions and answers. Especially if they dont cause other issues. I have found that for certain things, it is beneficial for me to be negative for a day or so. I stuff so many other thoughts and feelings that I have to let some of the 'smaller' ones out so I dont explode. I find that this is helpful for me to clear my head to try and find a solution. I am working on being a bit more positive which is more work than I thought it would be but it is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. I am using tools to help me focus. Again, sometimes harder than I thought it would be but still a work in progress. When I am not completely overwhelmed, they work and I can proceed forward.
  12. I feel like I am constantly being handed lemons lately. Every time I turn around there is one issue or another. Work sucked so I changed jobs but right now that os a huge question mark. From the training to the test to the calls. It was a financial hit too. Thought we could manage that but the universe seems to think differently. I tried to manage that with a vehicle that required less maintanence. 2 months in and I am looking at a 1600.00 repair bill. It just feels like every thing I try to right goes way wrong. Right now, I am just fed up and tired. Whatever karma has planned is a slow painful revenge. I like my revenges quick. More time to recuperate.
  13. You ever have those moments where you are so filled with 'stuff' that all you want to do is scream? All of the pushing down of feelings to try to stay present and 'sane' have caught up with you? All the fighting to not remember, be triggered or 'keeping a brave face' have worn you down? In an attempt to feel nothing, you feel everything? Now you just want to scream. Scream like a coyote howling during a full moon. Everything feels raw. Your patience is failing. Your anger is building. Your mind is raging and torn between keeping the facade and releasing all that is in you. That's my day. That is my life. Always fighting to keep myself from falling off a cliff. Its an exhausting task to maintain daily. Some days are easier but at some point I have to let all that 'stuff' see light. It must be released into the atmosphere so it doesnt injure me further. But releasing feels dangerous for me and anyone I am in contact with. There is fear of how bad it will hurt to feel all if that at one time. To not be able to fully describe all thosefeelings. I have spent so much of my life stuffing. I just want to get past my past a live afuture not hindered by fear, mistrust, anger, shame, brokeness. I want to do that without harmingmy family. Without stirring up trouble. Without feelingmore isolated than I was before. Is that too much to ask? The answer seems to be a loud yes. My family structure is fractured enough. I dont want to do any more damage to anyone. Yes, after everthing, I still dont want to hurt them.
  14. aperson

    Screaming inside

    Shaking. The kind that you can feel start from the inside. From your bones to your veins to your muscles. Skin tingling. The trigger. Someone sat next to me. I havent given my new co-workers the talk about my personal space. Last week one kept touching me. I silently prayed then. Today the prayer didnt work. I kept saying to myself, it will be fine. Sge will move soon. She didnt and the feeling kept building. I could no longer focus. The trembling became visible. Someone else saw and I got up. I need to breath. I need to remain centered. Focused. Present. Count it out. Deep breath in. Slow release. It is not a good thing to flip out on them. You have to tell tthem soon. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breathe...
  15. aperson

    Insomnia

    It is frustrating when I cant sleep. If I fall asleep now, I can get 3 full hours but that wont happen. It is one of those nights where a billion thoughts are in my head and they all want to be answered of acknowledged. No sooner than I handle one another appears. And God forbid one becomes a complex stream of thought. And it isnt just 1 train of thoughts. They are all over the place. Are the doors locked? What am I wearing to work? I should wash my laundry. My hair. What should I do with my niece's hair for summer? The less we have to do, the happier we all are. Did he call the insurance about his car? Wonder if I should see a doctor about pain in my elbow. The list goes on and on and on. A game doesnt help. Nor a movie and definitely not silence or darkness. The last 2 options cause the thoughts to be 10 times worse. There was a time I could use work to solve this. Now I have to figure out something else. If I sleep now, I can get 2hrs and 56 mins of sleep. Maybe I am too hot but I have my fan and air on. Minimal cover because I must have it even if only on my feet. Not a milk person so no warm milk for me. Training is going to be painful at work. I am already bored and adding sleepy is not a good look. Lol I already fell asleep once last week. Cannot do it twice. If I fall asleep now, I can get 2 hrs and 48 mins of sleep. Typing this on a phone takes longer than I thought. Maybe shorter if I made less spelling errors 😊 Think I am more awake now than I have been in the last few weeks lol. My body clock seems to have confused night and day. Or maybe I just needed to have a conversation even if it is a one-sided one. Writing can be quite theraputic and relaxing. Something about thought to paper (in this case screen) relieves the mind. It releases just enough thoughts that sleep is possible. It will be waking up that will be an issue. I will revert to the kid who tells their parent 'I dont want to go to school today' or 'I'm sick' just to get to sleep in. If I fall asleep now, I can get 2hrs and 25 mins of sleep. Let's see if I can beat the alarm.
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