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aperson

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About aperson

  • Birthday September 6

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  1. aperson

    Being vulnerable

    So, I heard something on the radio the other morning which I know has been a HUGE struggle for me over the years. Being vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been a huge struggle for me. I hardly let anyone see any of my emotions or internal struggles. In the 4th grade, I asked for a new bike for my birthday. I wasn’t sure that my parents would be able to afford one but that was the only thing that I wanted. The day of my birthday, I got my bike. Internally, I was ecstatic because I know they had to sacrifice to get it. (My siblings and my birthdays are within 6 weeks of each other with my sister and I only being 2 weeks apart). On the outside, I said a polite ‘thank you’. I made sure that I was tall enough for it and new how to operate the gears and brakes. I rode it once that evening for about 5 mins. Not because that was all the time I was allowed to ride it but because, I didn’t know how to allow anyone to see my excitement. For my 16th birthday, I received a car. At the time, I had not asked for a car. Not because I didn’t want one but because I knew my parents could afford one. Shelling out a $1500 expense with 3 teenagers was extravagant and just couldn’t be justified. I had just returned from a gifted cruise (my cousin had recently been placed on punishment and I went in her place) and my parents surprised me when I came home. Again, internally, I was jumping up for joy. Not only did I get what I really wanted but it was total shock and surprise because I didn’t ask for it. Externally, I smiled and again said thank you. For a week, my parents thought I didn’t like the gift because I wasn’t boasting about it to anyone. I couldn’t wait to get behind the wheel and be ‘free’. (I got the car a week before my birthday, so I still had my permit and couldn’t drive it anyway) Again, I couldn’t allow them to see the utter excitement that I had about the sacrifice they made to get me something I would really enjoy. I later learned that my grandmother had purchased the car for me. That didn't change anything because now I knew that the one thing my parents probably wanted to be the greatest surprise for me, they couldn't do on their own. These are 2 examples but there are countless others that extend past the material items and into mental well-being. But when I think about it, this has always been the case. From the earliest I can recall, I have always not allowed ANYONE to see fully past that wall that I had placed up. Is it because of the males that had taken advantage of me at an early age? Is it because that is the life that I was brought up in by my parents or other relatives? Is it because I was conditioned other places that being vulnerable made you weak and susceptible to danger, threat or be taken advantage of? I have yet been able to pinpoint where it started but I can see it’s affects throughout my life and in everything I do. I take very little credit for anything that I have done that would be considered an accomplishment to others. Even when I know that my feelings have been hurt, trust broken, I rarely show anyone that. I typically stay calm, cool and collected on the outside and trembling with fear or a ball of confusion on the inside. Recent example is my medical procedure. I knew that given the symptoms, I was having what would occur. I had a procedure before and I knew how it affected me mentally and physically. Even the testing and exams that were needed to determine what procedure to have were triggering. None of them every knew. I told everyone what would happen and that they had nothing to worry about. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I couldn’t drive home afterwards, I would have told no one to come with me. I had to present a front of being strong and OK. The procedure, although very common, had to appear as if I had it done like brushing my teeth each morning. It was nothing big and I would be breeze through it. Inside though, I was panicked. I had to take a medication before the procedure that would cause triggering pain and I knew I would only be able to take Tylenol for it which over the counter would have no effect. I knew that after the procedure, I would be in some pain that again would be triggering for me. I also knew that I would have stronger pain medications that would keep me sedated for it but I shouldn’t rely on to avoid my emotions. I knew that preparation for the procedure would be a struggle and I would be extremely conscious of if I had prepared enough. I knew that from the day I had to start preparing until weeks after, I would always feel insecure about what the doctor and nurses were going to be thinking if I had not been prepared enough. When people asked me how I was doing, I told them I was OK, even though I was still feeling pain. My sister and my niece became ill shortly before and after my procedure. So now we were all going to be in a position of needing someone and all we had was each other with my niece dependent on us both. And due to another extended family emergency, we have 2 additional children in the house to take care of and try not to send back sick in a couple of days. So, I sucked it up and did what was needed in order to take care of them and not try to catch what they had and take care that the dogs were fed and not tearing up the place. But I was and am in turmoil most of the time still. There are intermittent pains that I have just from sitting at work all day to the pains of my body just trying to heal itself after the procedure. I know that the latter will continue for at least 2 more weeks. With me being the only person working, I can afford to just take off when I don’t feel well. Even my post-op in a couple of weeks I am trying to decide to tell the doctor the truth or a lie or a partial truth. She is not aware of my past. This was an intentional omission on my part but I am sure obvious to her by now. Dangerous move? Yes. Necessary for me? Yes. It even shows up in my relationships with people whether they are family or not. With family, they have become use to it but they still ‘joke’ about it. There are the jokes about how I don't hug anyone or rarely say I love you or cry about much of anything or show much anger. Some days, it stings a little. Other days, I push through with a strained attempt to hug or say a quick love you so that they are appeased for a short period of time. I call it being a work in progress and trying. The truth is much of the time, it feels like fire to utter those words or give/receive that hug. With friends, I try to never let them see me sweat. If I am having a bad day emotionally, they accept it as me being tired or that I am just the shy silent type and don’t participate like that. Sometimes, I even say it is because I just don’t like people and have reached my limit for the day. Usually though, I am feeling something that I cannot express out of fear of what will happen if I do. Whether that is fear of other people’s reaction or fear of how much I will show of myself to only be rejected, be invalidated or my feelings be minimalized as not that big of a deal. While it may not be a big deal to anyone else it is a huge deal to me. I am the one feeling it and I am the one dealing with it. Others may be worse situations and making it through or in similar situations and making it through but they are not me. Entries in this blog were even supposed to help me break down this wall that I have placed up for the better part of 40 years. I find that I am censoring myself on this too. It took me 45 mins to write to this point and I wrote it on MS Word just in case I changed my mind about adding it as an entry. By the end, I will have read it 3-4 times. I have edited it so much I wish I had just left it in its original form because now it seems too rehearsed or planned or some paper to be graded for school. I will try to get the point across without getting too detailed in what I am really thinking. Why? Even strangers that I will never meet cannot enter my safe place for fear even their replies will taint the place I have shielded myself from the rest of the world. Even though I recognize all of this, it is still extremely difficult to not be this type of person. The moment that I even think I can gather the words to say ‘help me’ great fear takes over. I can’t say that there have been enough times that I have been supported when I show some vulnerability that outweigh the times when seeking help was more hurtful than not saying anything at all. And because my circle of friends or safe people is small, when the hurtful ones happen, I feel like there is nowhere else to turn. The safest people to let in are no longer safe. Or they are only safe for very minute issues like work sucked today or the stranger at the store was rude. I admire people who can allow themselves to be free in this manner though. There is a strength in being vulnerable. There is trust in being open enough to allow people in to see that you are not putting up a facade. I am sure that they have been hurt by people who abused this but they still press forward and open up to others for the sake of their own growth. They put fear aside to allow in the help that they need. The put pride aside. I am not saying without vulnerability you can’t grow but the damage that it can do internally puts a strain on you mentally because you hold onto a lot of frustration, anger, anxiety and just stress. I don’t know. At this point, I am just hoping and that the little I am doing will eventually build to something much bigger and years down the road, I can look back and see how far I have come. But right now, it feels like a task that I just don’t want to do. That the little bit I have done is all that I will ever be capable of and one day I will have to learn to accept this weakness and continue to suck it up when they jokingly poke fun at me. And nearly 2 hours later, I am still contemplating posting this and chipping away at the barbed wire, steel reinforced concrete wall that seems better than any maximum security prison ever built.
  2. aperson

    After surgery...

    I finally got approval for my surgery after months of dealing with my blood pressure. I am now 3 days after surgery. I will say I was a bit worried of how I would be enotiinally but it all seemed to go so well. I slept off the anesthesia day 1 with very minimal after effects. I had no bleeding and by bedtime very minimal cramping. But I could feel the emotions starting to trickle in. Day 2 was different. No cramping. No bleeding and the emotions had subsided. I thought this will be a breeze. No painkillers needed and I am back to normal. I started moving around trying to make sure I didnt overdo it. After all, I did just have a procedure less than 48 hrs ago. But again, the evening came and I started to feel like I was cramping again? Is that real pain or repressing emotions pain? Is it all in my head? I took some ibuprofen instead of the hard stuff just in case. I dont really like the hard meds because they make me sleep and I was uncomfortable but not in terrible pain. Day 3 and the cramping remained. Starting to feel like this whole process may be a fail. Reminding myself that this is normal. This isnt a fail and I should be experiencing this 72 hrs after. The dr said that I could experience spotting for a few weeks off and on and because of the ablation, I should feel cramping as scar tissue forms. But I dont want meds because, I had worse pain than this a week ago and took nothing. I can tough this out. Now I am spotting again and cramping. I am trying to keep in mind this is normal but it is starting not to work. I am starting to feel the surge of emotions from the real or imaginary pain. I wasnt really prepared for this I think. I focused so much on ensuring I got the surgery that I put it out of my head that there are emotions that I will feel from the pain. I forgot to do what I normally would do. Prepare myself. So I am trying to practice self-care. Being kind to myself. Resting. I am back to taking meds because I dont want to loose sight that the pain is real even if it is mild. Reducing the pain will reduce the emotional aspect. I am reminding myself that none of this is the result of my past. All the women in my family from the eldest to the newst adults have had a similar issue. They either are srill dealing with it or had it resolved many years ago. This isnt my fault. I am not to blame. I did the right thing. I return to work on Monday. Physically, I can do it. Physically, I am ok to return. Now to manage the emotional and mental. I can do this. I got this. I have been been in worse places and turned it around. I can do this.
  3. aperson

    I am...

    I am.... Perfectly made with flaws. Flaws to encourage growth and wisdom Intelligent. Knowledge I have gained and more knowledge to obtain. Kind. But able to display anger when not treated in kind Safe. No longer surrounded by those who wish me physical harm Brave. To face my fears, past and current Open. Open to the possibilities that life has to offer Loved. And I can give love to others Strong. To fight the demons and battles that come my way Able. I can do all things I set my mind to achieve Worthy. Worthy of all that life has to offer and all opportunities headed my way Enough. Being my individual self makes me enough for anyone I come in contact with. Enough that I dont have to change to be loved, appreciated or cared for. Reminding myself I have more to offer than the negative thoughts that fill my head and hold me back from being the best me that I can be.
  4. While going for preop for my procedure, my blood pressure was super high. High enough that surgery would not happen withiut primary dr clearance. Additionally, they took me to ER to control immediate blood pressure. The primary dr says in addition to meds I need to destress. But they wont clear me until bp is below 160/80. That was 2 weeks and 3 prescriptions ago. I am not sure how they expect me to lower stress at this point. They may not mean to but they scare me that high bp is a silent killer with no signs much of the time. So now I am scared to sleep for fear of dying in my sleep. I am scared that a headache or pain in my arms or legs is a stroke warning. I am afraid that a moment of feeling lightheaded is a sign of high or low bp. I still have the original condition that remains to be treated. That causes its own symptoms and issues. Now how do you destress from that? Those things coupled with normal living and trying to figure out how to pay for all of this. Each dr visit is 60-100 bucks. The surgery is another 3000. The labs. The hours missed from work. How do you destress from that??? I am losing weight which is not intentional. I am waking at odd hours even after going to sleep at a decent time. Do they realize that they cause additional stress? And I am losing control over the situation. When I started this, I planned it out. I had time to prepare myself for what I knew was to come. And now...now it's all in someone else's hands and I am a spectator. I am just doing what they say. I have lost hope that I will get the procedure in the next few months. Now I am just ready to be done with all of it. No more drs. No more needles. No surgery. I managed these things before. I will again. I need to regain some semblance of normalcy again. This isnt it. This is chaotic and stressful.
  5. aperson

    Finally....

    Thank you both. My nerves have calmed down and I have my appointment set so
  6. aperson

    Finally....

    The results are in and they are normal. One month, hours of worry and a few tears shed. It would have been nice to know this when they knew it. But better late than never, right? So, the biopsy did show that I am facing the same situation as 8 years ago. I have been there and I know what that means. I know what that process looks like. So now I wait for an appointment so I can get someone to take me since It requires me to be under. I decided not to do a hysterectomy. Emotionally, I just cant. Plus, the cost is astronomical. At least my insurance has a higher deductible than the last one. So now I can really breathe a sigh of relief. I can prepare for the next step and hope that I beat the odds on having another recurrence.
  7. Another week has come and gone and I still know nothing. I called the dr office 3 times. The first time, the dr called and left a message. Since I was working I couldnt answer. She apologized and said she was out for the rest of the day but to call and tell them if ok to leave results on a message. I call back and then nothing. I waited until Monday to call again. The nurse tells me she is out until Tuesday and will leave a message for her. I tell her I am a bit anxious about it. She says that considering the dr isnt calling urgently and she hasnt given her a head's up that something is wrong they are probably ok. Here we are on Wednesday and still nothing. So for my sanity, I am going to say the results are ok and think only of the 2 options I have to make. I cant keep stressing and waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my email every 5 mins like a basket case. If she calls, fine. If she doesnt fine. I will worry about it more if I have additional symptoms. Going to another dr is beyond what I am capable of at this moment. It took me weeks to choose her. It would be weeks to research another. I just dont have the energy to do that. Dont get me wrong, her bedside manner is great and she has been very underdtanding. She doesnt talk down to me or try to shame me. Until this, she has been great. Sometimes I think dr and most service professionals should be put in their client's position. Maybe then they would understand better. Maybe they will get the anxiety that we feel waiting on info about our care that only they have. Sometimes holding the answer to life or death. So today is the last day I will spend allowing these results to determine my life. Well....I am going to try very hard to make today the last day.
  8. Thanks awi. I am remaining positive that all is well. The first time, I did wait nearly a year before getting a procedure done for polyps. This time I acted much quicker so I was not as anemic. As for kids, I may not have been clear. Being sterile is not really an issue for me. I have been certain since I was 7 or 8 that I have no desire to be pregnant or have kids that are biologically mine. I had planned to adopt but life got in the way. It is a psychological thing of feeling less feminine. It is the craziest contradiction but it exists to a smallish degree.
  9. I know and thank you my friend.
  10. Thank you for healing thoughts. I am trying to be patient because of the holiday. I am going to call them if I havent heard anything by Tuesday.
  11. It has been 11 days since the biopsy and I have no results. My dr said she would have the results in about a week. It has been 11 days. Early on I was concerned but it was manageable. If the results came back negative for cancer, I would have the lesser invasive procedure that would stop the bleeding. If they were positive, I was prepared to have the hysterectomy and any other procedures to give my body a chance to fight. The longer the wait, the more I am nervous either way. The longer it takes the more anxiety that builds up in me. Both procedures would make me sterile which is fine...I think. I have never wanted to be pregnant. But the longer I have to wait the more I think about what that loss means for me. In an odd way it feels like a loss of femininity. Logically I know that really wont change but the loss is there to some degree. I am worried that it wont be enough either way. What if I end up with a negative result and 10 years later it all returns. I had this issue with bleeding about 8 years ago. The dr then sounded so certain it wouldnt return but here I am. The reason seems to be different. Polyps then. Fybroids now. I chose the lesser invasive procedure then because the alternative gave me the same feeling of loss as today. It felt right then. It feels like a mistake today. I am trying to remain optimistic. When I told my dad he said the result is already set in place whatever it is. He will pray for healing no matter the result. I know that at this moment I am not ready to not fight to keep myself healthy and alive. I think about my aunt who had cancer and did not survive it. She fought with her last ounce of strength. I just dont know if the wait is a positive sign. If it was bad they would have contacted me immediately right? Or is it the wait is to determine how bad it is? I dont know what the answer is right now. I do know I am going to try and not let the what-ifs take me to a dangerous place. I have never been so anxious about getting results from a dr as I am right now. I cannot wait for this to be over, one way or the other.
  12. I am not sure which it is but my attempt at being open and honest is unsuccessful. I am definitely shutting out. Reaching out is just becoming too painful and isolating. It shouldnt be. People dont realize that words have power. They hurt whether we let on or not. They cut deeper than physical pain at times. And then there is the flat out dismissal of my feelings and thoughts. The dismissal of what I feel because it doesnt look like what they expect or want. I dont think it is shutting down but it is what I want it to be. Shutting down symbolizes I no longer allow this crap to occupy constant space in my dailey thoughts. It exists but I put it back undrr lock and key. Yes, my feelings and unresolved guilt and shame exist but...they dont matter. In writing this, it feels like I shouldnt say I am doing either. Announcing it feels attention seeking or not shutting out/down. Either way, attempting to reach out was a fail. Maybe another day I will feel less pessimistic about it.
  13. Ian37, thank you and yes, I would agree. I am all for immediate solutions and answers. Especially if they dont cause other issues. I have found that for certain things, it is beneficial for me to be negative for a day or so. I stuff so many other thoughts and feelings that I have to let some of the 'smaller' ones out so I dont explode. I find that this is helpful for me to clear my head to try and find a solution. I am working on being a bit more positive which is more work than I thought it would be but it is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. I am using tools to help me focus. Again, sometimes harder than I thought it would be but still a work in progress. When I am not completely overwhelmed, they work and I can proceed forward.
  14. I feel like I am constantly being handed lemons lately. Every time I turn around there is one issue or another. Work sucked so I changed jobs but right now that os a huge question mark. From the training to the test to the calls. It was a financial hit too. Thought we could manage that but the universe seems to think differently. I tried to manage that with a vehicle that required less maintanence. 2 months in and I am looking at a 1600.00 repair bill. It just feels like every thing I try to right goes way wrong. Right now, I am just fed up and tired. Whatever karma has planned is a slow painful revenge. I like my revenges quick. More time to recuperate.
  15. You ever have those moments where you are so filled with 'stuff' that all you want to do is scream? All of the pushing down of feelings to try to stay present and 'sane' have caught up with you? All the fighting to not remember, be triggered or 'keeping a brave face' have worn you down? In an attempt to feel nothing, you feel everything? Now you just want to scream. Scream like a coyote howling during a full moon. Everything feels raw. Your patience is failing. Your anger is building. Your mind is raging and torn between keeping the facade and releasing all that is in you. That's my day. That is my life. Always fighting to keep myself from falling off a cliff. Its an exhausting task to maintain daily. Some days are easier but at some point I have to let all that 'stuff' see light. It must be released into the atmosphere so it doesnt injure me further. But releasing feels dangerous for me and anyone I am in contact with. There is fear of how bad it will hurt to feel all if that at one time. To not be able to fully describe all thosefeelings. I have spent so much of my life stuffing. I just want to get past my past a live afuture not hindered by fear, mistrust, anger, shame, brokeness. I want to do that without harmingmy family. Without stirring up trouble. Without feelingmore isolated than I was before. Is that too much to ask? The answer seems to be a loud yes. My family structure is fractured enough. I dont want to do any more damage to anyone. Yes, after everthing, I still dont want to hurt them.
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