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aperson

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    Female

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    Survivor

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  1. I have been in a funk of sorts for years now. It's the type of funk that you know you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tomorrow you hope for a better day. But it seems every side of the bed is the wrong side. There are days when I can manage the funk very well. I function at work and participate with family. Then there are the days that I cant really get past it. I cannot say that there is one thing or one emtion. I am just sad and depressed. I have tried pinpointing what it is but I am just disconnected from everything. I only put in the effort that is required for anything I
  2. Every since I realized that I was having a medical issue, I have had a greater fear of not waking up one day. The diagnosis and treatment were suppose to alleviate this fear. Medical tests showing that my heart is healing and me taking my medications daily should help alleviate that fear. But none of that does many nights over the last 5 months. I have tried to wave that fear off. There is no reason that I should have it currently. Ironically, if you had picked any other day from as far as I could remember through Nov of 2022, I wanted it. Some days really bad and some days for just a fleeting
  3. As I get older to understand who I am, I find that I am way more complicated than I originally thought. OK, maybe not complicated but definitely more disfunctional than people give me credit for. Today's topic...expressing what I need. I can't say that I have ever been told verballly that what I need is not that important. It is more that I have been made to feel that way. It wasn't said in words explicitly but in actions. When I didn't want to do something or see specific people, I was told I still need to do them. Even when I was committed to a hospital for 30 days as a teenage, I was
  4. It has been a difficult last few months. The emotions for making it through yet another milestone were greater than I thought they would be. Dealing with my own grief has been hard but about 2 weeks before my mom's anniversary, my dad's wife lost her only daughter. She had been diagnosed with a very agressive form of cancer in Nov and had been going through chemo as well as having a mastectomy. Everyone thought that things were looking up until she had a fall, The fall caused a wound to open and she bled out. No one realized how dangerous this fall was and she didnt hint to how much pain she
  5. This week marks the beginnning of Mama getting sick, finding out it was COVID, being hospitalized and leaving us. I thought I would be prepared for this but I am not really. Friday is the day that she began getting sick. It's the day that this nightmare began. It is still so hard to believe that she isnt here and many days I find that the only way to get through it is to pretend she is and I just am not going to talk to her that day. The realization of anything different is so much more painful. We finally got her grave marker placed. It was then that I realized that I told every one the
  6. It has been 318 days since she passed and I cant say that it has gotten easier to handle. Every turn seems to be some event that she isnt hear for that just sends my mind into a tailspin and further into depression. Just as i think I am starting to heal and accept it, something happens. Those first 5 months were horrible. I lost a lot of sleep and I was just in a fog trying to get through each day. Then it seemed to get to where I could sleep but each monthly anniversary would send me into at least a week of depression. Then came the holidays which I dont know if I survived really or I just pu
  7. aperson

    7 Months.....

    People keep saying that with time the grief gets easier. That the triggers are less. I am not finding that to be so true. It has been 7 months since she passed and almost 8 months since I heard her voice. Every day is still a struggle. A struggle to not think about her. A struggle to not miss her. Every day I try to project to the rest of the world that everything is ok. That I am healing. that I am learning to accept her not being here. the fact is that every day I am trying not to show the world that a part of me is dying every day that I cant talk to her. That every day I am one trigger aw
  8. aperson

    ..........

    This grieving thing is way harder than I imagined it would be. It is harder than other people portrayed it to be. I have had other deaths before, grandmothers, aunts, cousins but I have never experienced grief in this manner. I have never felt the grief that comes with the loss of a parent. When I thought it would happen was another 15-20 years from now. Time enough that I could say that she enjoyed her life and got to have a long life. Instead, she was gone before she could even get to old age. There were things I needed her to know but I wasnt ready or prepared to tell her those things. As I
  9. I keep trying to deal with her death and it is a struggle. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago to yry and prevent some severe depression. I have had 2 sessions and I cant say it is helping or not. The time until her services was horrible including the day she passed. The time sense is a fog. I spend much of my day trying to ignore that she isnt here any more. The rest is spent thinking of her. My home phone we never use so I havent checked the voicemail in years. I was going through it and found a message she left from 4 years ago. Of course I listened to it and then I realized I almo
  10. Because a really great friend sent me something to lift my spirits today and it helped, I think I should list the positives for the day (no matter how small) I laughed today - I genuinely laughed and smiled. I dont even remember what for (probably a silly TikTok) but I did it and that is what matters. No tears today - It hurts and I miss her still but I didnt cry and that is ok. It doesnt mean I dont miss her any more or less than the day before or that I have forgotten her. I was productive - I finally did someone's taxes that I have been holding on for about 3 and a half week
  11. Her husband seems to want to erase her from his life quickly. I just dont understand it. I know everyone grieves in their own way but he seems to want to erase every trace of her after her services. I am trying to hold on to every memory I can. Most of the time I am trying to keep her alive. Her things, I want them. Her pictures, I want them. Her things, I want them as she left them. At least let me accept that she is gone first. So Sunday I am going to pack up her things. I am going to pavk away my mom and what we dont or cant keep will be donated. Strangers will have parts of my mom. S
  12. aperson

    Struggling

    I hate to admit it but i am struggling. The days between my mom's death and burial of her ashes were manageable. There was something to do each day. Now that is done, I find it harder to cope. I feel like I failed her on the last thing she asked of me. Daily I think of reasons to call her and each time is followed by she cant answer. I wanted to call her to share that her first great grandchild was born but I couldnt. He was born the night of her viewing. 12 hours before we were to put her ashes in the ground. She was so excited to be a great grandparent even though she would always be known
  13. I have 4 days until my mother's services and every day is like a rollercoaster. It doesnt take but a small thing to send me ready to cry like a big baby. I know that grief is a process but I dont know that I fully expected this. The closer it gets the more irritated and annoyed I get by just about everyone and every thing. Sad part is i feel like I am in a battle between supporting her husband and her siblings on what they want/expect. They are not that fond of him because he doesnt really tolerate their nonesense. Her husband and my siblings have worked very well together in getting things ta
  14. TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEATH/GRIEF My mother is gone and it is so hard to believe that right now. She went peacefully with her kids and husband by her side. We held on to the hope that additional treatment would give her time to heal her body but when we saw her in person, we realized that the only thing that was keeping her here were the machines that were breathing for her. I have so many conflicting emotions about that and a lot of guilt about how I handled the situation from the time she was ill until we got her treatment. My mind tells me I did all that I could to get her
  15. @Catjaz, @mini.finch Thank you both for the healing vibes and positive thoughts. We could use them all.
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