It has been a difficult last few months. The emotions for making it through yet another milestone were greater than I thought they would be. Dealing with my own grief has been hard but about 2 weeks before my mom's anniversary, my dad's wife lost her only daughter. She had been diagnosed with a very agressive form of cancer in Nov and had been going through chemo as well as having a mastectomy. Everyone thought that things were looking up until she had a fall, The fall caused a wound to open and she bled out. No one realized how dangerous this fall was and she didnt hint to how much pain she may have been in with it either. Unfortunately, her body could no longer take it and she passed away. So in the midst of dealing with our own grief we are now tasked with helping her through her grief as she has no other daughters but does have 2 sons. Their relationship is kind of strained for other reasons. It is hard to put your own grief on the back burner to try and help someone with theirs. In both my biological siblings and my siblings through marriage, I am the oldest. While I shouldnt be taking on that role in many ways it felt like I needed to take on the role while trying not to step on her biological kids toes. To go from a funeral 1 week to a 1 year anniversary was a lot mentally for me.
While on the outside I appeared to be handling it ok, on the inside I was a mess. I reached out to my therapist one night and just told her how I was feeling and that turned into another mess. I told her of my thoughts and lack of planning but she felt that the thoughts I had were enough to show I was very much considering a plan. While on the phone with her she contacted the police who arrived ar my door followed by an ambulance. I hung up with her to try and resolve it with them. They did leave but spent an additional 20 mins sitting outside my house. I dont know why or if they were waiting by chance I would still do something. I text her to let her know I was still safe and cried all night. I was upset because it felt like a betrayl of my trust. I felt like I reached out for help and the help that was given was even more of a threat to me. I know her obligations legally but I was just being honest. again honesty can get you in more trouble than just going with the flow and not letting anyone know. It took a couple of weeks for us to discuss it and I agreed to not planning anything. I just never felt like there was a plan from my perspective and I was reaching out to prevent a plan from being made. I had to explain to her what that looks like for me. I think she understood but even though I have had the thoughts since then, I have never shared it again. Unfortunately, this all happened on the anniversary which I still had to handle the celebration we had planned. But I hadnt really slept and I wasnt looking forward to 'celebrating' anything. But the time comes for the celebration and I wait at the cemetary for the 100 balloons they are bringing before they close. I get them and immediately lose 15 balloons due to the wind. I tried being careful as a few family showed up but I lost another 40 ballons in the prpcess. The last set was the last straw for me. I broke down. None of them had seen me cry before so they really didnt know what to do. But I gathered myself and took back control because I am stronger than that, right? Wrong. We did the graveside celebration and were leaving to go to dinner. My car wouldnt start. My battery had died. I was done. I no longer wanted to participate but my dad reminded me that I have to go and he would take me if he had to. So again I gathered myself and acted strong to be with the rest of them but I was only physically there. Mentally I was broken and lonely.
And it feels like even now that people think that because we made it through the 1 year anniversary that this is the easier part. The fact is it isnt. I just feel less inclined to talk about it because people have heard it already and to them it is 'old news'. To them I should be over the worst part and be ok. Or at least healing. But I dont feel any of that. What I feel is their desire for me to be over it so they can stop hearing about it. So instead I just stop talking about it but my mind and body knows all those feeling still exist because I still cant sleep at night. I still have dreams that I cant feel ok with. I still miss her daily. I still think of the things she is missing out on. I have had a medical issue of and on for that last 10 years and it feels like the final solution for me includes a surgery. I have never had a surgery and my mom not be there to see me off and when I woke up. She asked the dr things I never thought of. She knew the results and what was found and next step if any. I have only had 2 surgeries in my life and I am terrified to go to sleep and not wake up. This time if I go, I am not sure that I would want to wake up and that is a disastrous thought. And if I do and she is not there, I am not sure that I would care about any of it. I am only considering the surgery because I know if she was here she would tell me to do it because she wouldnt want me in a life threatening situation of have a disease that if had been caught earlier could have been helped.
Then there the thing that is always lingering somewhere....my past trauma situations. They are always there. Initially, it was so hard for me to separate the 2 (grief and the trauma). They were so intertwined that thoughts of one meant thoughts of the other. Now they are not intertwined but some of the emotions that they each bring can lead me to the other. Being able to control that to maintain some kind of appearance of stability is hard. My therapist has been great in keeping me working on distractions that I can use since talking about either is hard but at this point those distractions are just that. They are temporary. They only hold off until I finally fall asleep. So before she went on vacation for 2 months out of the country, she asked what I wanted to work on. I told her that we were going to have to do my least favorite thing in the world and that was deal with my past. I set her some ground rules because I am not sure that she knows what to do with me at times. She was ok with them except it wasnt going to beneficial to start at the time because we were going to be missing 2 months of sessions and that there were 2 weeks that she would not be available either. Now that she has been gone for 6 weeks, I am not sure that I want to do that any more. I have had time to think and I dont know that this is the right thing. What if she doesnt believe me? What if she judges me for the things I did? What if she gives up because I am too complicated? What if I cant believe that moving into a more stable me is possible? Too much time for me to think of the what ifs and how devastating they will be if any of them come true.
While she has been gone I have returned to going back to church. I will be the first to admit that I have lost that connection I once had. There was a time that I participated in church without anyone asking or telling me. Even when I felt out of place among the other youth I still went because there was one person there who loved me flaws and all, GOD. Over the years that has dwindled. After mama I lost much of it all together. I feel He exists. I know that He works things out for others but I feel like I am now out of place with Him. I feel like those flaws that he once loved for their ability to make me unique are the same flaws that he looks at me with disgust. i am not the child He created and the actions I have taken over my life have proved to him that I am not worth the effort any more. Instead of putting me out of my misery though, he keeps me in Hell on earth. I terribly miss that connection. I thought returning to church would help. I had hoped returning to church would help. When I go, I have to do what I can to not look for her. I hope there is no one that can see what I think is written all over my face....He doesnt love me and finds me unworthy. But I go because my mama would want me to go. Because one day that old feeling will return. Because one day I will feel worthy again.
But until then I am just trying to function through the depression. I am just doing the things I have to do in order to seem like everything is normal because no one can fix this broken human. No one can love me, like me, make me feel worthy. I dont feel like forgiveness is something that I should be allowed to have from myself or from others. All I want is to have a period of time in which none of this matters so much. That I am not walking through the life i have left being someone that is not true to who I am whatever that is. Every milestone I have been met with is still a trigger the 2nd time around for grief and I cant count the number of times for the trauma. I really dont understand how others do it. How do they get through it and I cant? Why them and not me?