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I am not ready for this



This week marks the beginnning of Mama getting sick, finding out it was COVID, being hospitalized and leaving us. I thought I would be prepared for this but I am not really. Friday is the day that she began getting sick. It's the day that this nightmare began. It is still so hard to believe that she isnt here and many days I find that the only way to get through it is to pretend she is and I just am not going to talk to her that day. The realization of anything different is so much more painful.

We finally got her grave marker placed. It was then that I realized that I told every one the wrong site for nearly a year. I use the excuse that there isnt much I recall about that moment. The moment they placed her there. No one has been upset about it. They find it funny even when they felt something was off themselves. I on the other hand am struggling not to blame myself for the mistake. It feels as if I just slapped her in the face with disrepect and disregard. Neither are my intention or my desire but that is what it feels like. So I am trying to use some of the positive thought processes I have been shown in therapy. It doesnt always work. Most of the time it quiets the voice from a yell to a normal tone until it woint be ignored any longer. I did panic when I figured it out though. Full tears and screaming into a pillow to not wake the rest of the house. I dont really want to do therapy this week but I am going because I am trying to hold myself accountable to a committment. She keeps telling me that it is the only way....to come despite the pain. It always feels like I am in pain lately though and I dont like it.

I thought after knowing the marker was in the right place now that I might feel some peace about all of this. But I dont.  I dont feel any more comforted by it. I thought that maybe that is why she wont visit me in my dreams. All those who have gone that I was close enough to have come to see me at some point. She hasnt so I thought maybe she is mad about the grave site. But she still hasnt come and I am disappointed by it. Logically I know that this isnt really how it works but emotionally that is what I keep expecting and get disappointed by. My sister says she feels more at peace at the right site. My brother says he feels different when he walks to the right site. I just dont and I am not sure what if anything that says about me or my relationship with her. What I keep thinking is that it shows how disconnected I am feeling wit her spirit even though i want to be connected with her spirit desperately. Like so much so that if this goies on for too much longer I could find myself being scammed by someone who can read that need for a connection.

Sleeping at normal hours is already becoming an issue for me. I may get a few hours of sleep after work and cooking dinner but after that I am up all night just waiting for my alarm clock to go off so I have work to keep me occupied. And that is on the good day when I can get 3-4 hrs of sleep. I am used to getting less sleep than I require but at least I got it after 1-2 am and not at 7pm. Being up at that time is also the more dangerous time mentally for me. There isnt anything to do and no one is up so there isnt much to occupy my mind and I just lay there trying to sleep and thinking of her. I am also afraid that I am going to either have a big breakdown if someone says the wrong thing or I am going to shut down completely. Neither is a good option for me. Maybe I can talk with the therapist to see what she thinks are some good tools to use to try and prevent or minimize either one.

The closer we get to March, the more I just want to sleep for the next 4 weeks and not deal with any of this or anyone. I already know that her sisters will be contacting us to see how we are handling it. I really just want to be zoned out for the entire process. I want to be able to not have memories that I  need to try and block out of my mind. This isnt realistic I can say now but if it were possible, I would be the first in line and pay whatever they ask. I am already forgetting things like what she sounded like angry or happy. I am forgetting everything but the time she was sick through her not being here. Those 4 weeks I can recall pretty accurately and can picture each moment that I was afraid and worried of the outcome. I can recall crying in the hospital parking lot when they gave her the diagnosis. I can recall crying that night and reaching out to a friend to pray for her to be ok. I can remember when she wanted me to call my brother so she could just talk to him even though she was very sick then. I remember her calling my sister before she got in the ambulance to let her know she was going to the hospital. I remeber having to help her get in bed and go to the restroom. And when she didnt make it, cleaning her up. I remember the first time I saw the cardinal in her backyard and thinking this may not turn out well. I remember it all and I dont want to. I dont want those memories to be the ones I am left with. I dont want her face in the hospital to be the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. I dont want to feel like I gave up on her even though she said many of times that she never wanted to be kept on machines if doctors knew there was nothing more they could do.

She told us from a young age her final wishes and every one that I could fill I did. And now I can watch anything that shows a mother/daughter relationship without feeling bad. Now I cant be around her sisters who I love dearly without feeling sad. I miss her something terrible and there isnt anything that anyone can do to make that hurt any less. They cant bring her back. They cant reverse time so that I can make different choices to try and stop all of this. They cant erase the blame that I feel every day before and since. None of that seems to be going away. I dont know what alternate universe I ended up in but I dont like it here and I want to go back to my right time. The time where everything wasnt perfect but at least I had more time with her and she had more time here. That is my daily unanswered prayer. 


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