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It feels like it will always hurt


aperson

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I keep trying to deal with her death and it is a struggle. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago to yry and prevent some severe depression. I have had 2 sessions and I cant say it is helping or not. The time until her services was horrible including the day she passed. The time sense is a fog.

I spend much of my day trying to ignore that she isnt here any more. The rest is spent thinking of her. My home phone we never use so I havent checked the voicemail in years. I was going through it and found a message she left from 4 years ago. Of course I listened to it and then I realized I almost forgot what she sounded like. I havent heard her voice in over a month now. Tears immediately formed and because I am a glutton for punishment,  I playedit 4 times. The message wasnt even for me. It was for my niece. This is 1 of 4 messages I have saved. Another is on my cell phone and it is from the day she found keys after not knowing where they were for almost a week lol. The last 2 are not so great but I can delete then. The first is when she was home before going to hospital and she was calling me to come help her get back in bed. The last is 2 mins of her crying another day because I didnt hear her needing my help in the middle of the night. She was tired and her crys are soft but I hear her and then hear when I came in to help her. The last 2 messages I cant listen to any more but I cant delete them either.

See it isnt just about losing my mom. It is losing her and me being at fault for that. I was so certain I would make sure she was involved in her own care that I didnt do everything I could to keep her safe. I am normally the mean one and can get her to a dr. But I knew she was feeling depressed because of the strokes and not being as mobile has she was so I was attempting to give her some control back. I didnt take control soon enough though and now she isnt here. One of my aunts says I failed her. My siblings say I took great care of her. If I took good care of her she would still be here and this pain wouldnt.

So now I try to remember the good things and see her face but all I remember is the last month of her life where she needed an advocate and I wasnt there. I remember seeing her in the hospital with more tubes and IVs going through her than I ever have before. The blank stare she had knowing there was nothing we could do for her now. Knowing that sbe said she didnt want to die and I was about to watch her do just that. I had hoped that the viewing before her cremation would erase those horrible memories but it didnt. When I see her, I see the day she died. 

I keep trying not to focus on her too much because I am afraid I will break. I will fall apart and I dont know if I can recover from that and the other stuff too. So I keep trying to hold it in and let it out in spurts. Pieces of the whole. But it never seems to be enough. I am afraid to speak about her because the gates may open and it will all just come out. I also dknt want to be the broken down one. So they call or text to check on us and I am always ok. They cant bring her back.

I say it alot but this all seems so unreal. Like I fell into some alternate world and I dont know how to get back to my world. In my real world she is here and ready to celebrate her 62nd biryhday and Mother's day. We are begging her for gift ideas that she will magically think of a week before each so we scramble to fulfill her wish. I would be teasing her about matching her underwear to her clothes. I would be complaining that I called her and she gave me a dry hello but would hear her grandkids and her attitude changed. Telling her for the millionth time I am hers and she should always greet me like she misses me. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I even miss her fussing about something as stupid as me not wearing socks or as serious as my hygiene. I miss her. I cant look at her pictires which my sister has conveniently placed all in the house. 

I got her ashes on Friday for our keepsake jewelry thinking it would help. I remember being surprised by the fact that it really didn't look like I thought but not being comforted having them with me. I want to go to her grave bit again I am afraid I will breakdown and not want to leave. And I know I have to. 

So I have blocked feeling the emotikns to the point that I am becoming numb. And I know that isnt a good place to be either. But I am lost on what to do and how to do life without her.  I know that the thing to say is it will take time and it will get better. I dont want to take time and I dont want it to get better. I just want it back the wah it was.

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